Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e04 Episode Script

Ladies and Germs

Guess who has a date with Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
Pat Sajak.
Me, Larry Appleton.
I have a date with Bonnie fourth runner-up in the Miss Chicago beauty contest.
But I thought she always laugh in your face when you ask her out.
She's beautiful when she laughs.
But she won't be laughing in this face anymore.
I have two tickets to the Bruce Springsteen concert.
So that's how you get dates.
You bribe them.
It's a method.
When I walk into that stadium, Bruce is gonna see Bonnie on my arm and say, "Whoa, way to go, Appleton.
" I'm happy for you.
Now let's go.
Where? - Where.
We got to go to the hospital to visit Mr.
He broke his leg.
Remember? Yeah, I remember, but I'm not going.
But you promised.
Does this mean we're not going out for ice cream either? Balki, I agreed to our little field trip before I had a date with Bonnie.
I don't wanna risk missing that date by getting sick.
Hospitals are crawling with germs.
What germs is? Germs are little tiny, living organisms that cause sickness, disease and death.
And they're all over, every place.
Are there any here now? You betcha.
They're all over the place.
On this table, on that couch, all over this can.
I don't see anything.
Nobody can see them.
They're tiny, they're microscopic.
See, germs are little tiny things that travel through the air and they get into your body, and they make you sick.
Tell me about these little invisible creatures.
Do they have a leader? Okay, Balki.
You may not believe it, but germs are real.
I should know.
Every time there was something really important in my life, germs ruined it for me.
I missed my sixth-grade graduation.
I missed the spelling bee, and I was a shoo-in.
I missed my junior prom all because of germs.
And I am not going to miss Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
Okay, I'll go to the hospital.
You stay here.
I'll go visit our boss.
And when he says, "Where's Appleton?" I'll say, "Oh, him? He's at home hiding from little invisible things that are out to get him.
" Okay, five minutes.
No more.
Don't worry, I'll watch out for germs.
Got him.
Boy, American hospitals are wonderful.
Do they keep the animals on another floor? Yes.
Now, can we just say "get well" and get out of here? This place is crawling with germs.
A Mypos army helmet.
Balki, take that off.
It is not a helmet.
What is it? - It's Oh, it's not a helmet.
Okay, now we have three minutes.
Klein, paging Dr.
Telephone, please, Dr.
Hello, Mr.
Don't tell me.
You're here for your lobotomy.
No, we didn't come for fun.
We came to visit you.
Hello, Mr.
I'm sorry about your leg.
See you later.
Before you go, uh, here, lower my leg.
Use the crank, and you hold my foot gently.
It hurts.
Klein, paging Dr.
- Gently.
- Stuck? Well, just press the release.
Get out.
Out! Get Out! Oh, boys, you came to visit.
We heard the fun all the way down the hall.
Yeah, we're having a big time.
TWINKACETTl: Edwina, my pet.
Oh, you brought the children.
Larry, Balki, these are our children, Donnie and Marie.
Well, it's very nice to meet you.
And what a pretty little girl.
I'm sorry we can't stay and chat.
Marie, please.
Cover your mouth when you sneeze.
You don't wanna give everybody your germs.
- I'm out of here.
Good morning.
And how are you today? How am I today? Isn't it obvious how I am today? You made a mess.
Balki, I am sick, and it is all your fault.
It is? - Yes.
The minute that little brat sneezed on me, I knew I was doomed.
You were what? - Doomed.
Dooped? Domed, doomed, doomed.
- Hello.
Who is this? - This is Balki.
Would you get off the phone? Who is this? Oh, hello, Bonnie.
Yeah, oh, well, I'm looking forward to it too.
Hm? Oh, uh, no, no, well, you sound funny too.
It's a bad connection.
God bless you, Balki.
Thank you.
So I'II, uh I'll pick you up at 7, okay? Okay, bye-bye.
All right, I can do this.
I need vitamins, I need liquids.
Cousin, you need a miracle.
Cousin, I got all the vitamins you wanted.
Thank you.
You sound terrible.
Of course I sound terrible.
There's a war going on in there.
Who's winning? I'm going to win this one.
Germs made me miss my junior prom.
But I am not going to miss Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
Cousin, why don't you cancel this date and ask her out sometime when you can feel better? Oh, sure, just ask her out some other time.
Why don't I wait for Halley's comet to fly through my living room? Well, I had an uncle who was hit by a meteor.
I bet you did.
I am not giving up this time.
I got my A, I got my B, I got my C, I got my D.
Yeah, put them all together and what do they spell? "Abcd.
" You can take those little pills.
They probably won't hurt you.
But if you really want to get well, you've got to get serious.
Now, I've got your garlic.
I've got your wolfbane.
And I've got your pumpkin mold.
What is that? Well, you take a pumpkin and you put it out in the backyard until it rots.
And then this fuzzy blue stuff comes I know what mold is.
Why did you buy it? Well, I'm the one that made you go to the hospital.
So the least I can do is make you better for your date.
Now, the wolfbane is for your runny nose.
The pumpkin mold is for your cough.
And the garlic just makes you feel good all over.
And I bet it keeps away vampires.
- Well, that's a side benefit.
Balki, why don't you go into the kitchen and try to turn some lead into gold? Leave me alone.
A, A, A, A.
B, B, B, B.
Cousin, I really can make you better.
How? By feeding me things that pigs would turn up their snouts at? No, those things are only to make you feel better while I cook you this secret Mypos cure.
It's the only thing that will make you well.
A cure? Balki, I have a cold.
All of medical science has been trying for centuries to find a cure for the common cold, and have failed.
Now you're telling me that Mypos, a country with one phone a country where only the royal family has indoor plumbing a country where the foremost spectator sport is spitting for distance tiny little Mypos has the cure? Yes.
I'll stick with modern medicine, thank you.
Not working, is it? It's working just fine.
I can't breath, but my skin is soft and supple.
You've wasted almost a whole day with this hocus pocus.
Are you ready to try the garlic necklace now? Balki, get that away from me.
It smells terrible.
You see? It's working already.
Don't you have something else to do? Well, excuse me for being well.
I'm sorry, I'm on edge.
I have an hour and a half to get well or I'm gonna miss the date of my life.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not gonna make it.
Maybe you'd feel better if you got dressed.
Maybe I will.
My mother used to say that.
She'd say, "Larry, if you get up, and get dressed, and go to school you'll feel better.
" She lied.
I always got up, I got dressed, I went to school.
I never felt better.
The germs have won again.
No prom for Larry Appleton.
Is that it? Are you giving up just like that? Yes.
Call Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
Tell her I died in my sleep.
Oh, and tell her I was rich.
Why should she be happy? You get up.
You don't give up like that.
Balki, it's over.
I've tried everything.
You've tried everything.
I've tried everything.
I make the secret Mypos cure for you.
It's finished, it's sitting right there in the kitchen in case anybody should want it.
Balki, don't you understand? I have to pick Bonnie up in an hour and a half.
It works in 20 minutes.
But, Balki, that makes no sense.
It goes against 200 years of medical science.
Well, then, I'll just flush it down the toilet.
All right, all right.
I've tried everything else.
Why not? Give me the Mypos cure.
What was that? Give me the Mypos cure.
Give you the Mypos cure? You, who make fun of my country's medicine all day long? You, who thinks little tiny people are fighting up your nose? Give you the Mypos cure? You're gonna make this hard for me, aren't you? Well, of course I'm not.
All I want you to do is say the magic words.
What? Please.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
What? What? I want you to say, "I believe.
" I believe.
- Like you mean it.
I believe.
I knew you would.
It's okay.
When I'm well, I'll renounce everything.
I heard that.
Now, first, let me warn you, it taste terrible.
It doesn't matter.
I can't taste anything anyway.
And it looks terrible.
- Oh, my Lord.
What's in that? - The secret.
I can imagine.
I mean, is there eye of newt or bat's wings in there? Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's for back pain.
This is fish parts and herbs.
Oh, I'll be right back.
What did you do? I drank it.
You're right, it's disgusting.
That was enough for a whole village.
This This This was how much you were supposed to take.
So? It's just herbs and fish parts.
A little is good, a lot is better.
Ohh Well, how long does it take to work? Well, that amount should work pretty fast.
Well, I'm waiting.
I don't feel anything.
Balki I can see through you.
Are you waking up? Whoa.
That was some potent stuff.
I bet you're feeling like a million digdas.
I feel fantastic.
I can breath.
I feel better than I have felt in my entire life.
Balki, that is a miracle cure.
Glad you're feeling better.
There's something we got to talk about.
I have 15 minutes to get ready for my date.
Balki, how can I ever thank you? Well, before you thank me - Balki, you should bottle that stuff.
Do you realize what you have there? An herbal medicine that can cure a person in less than an hour.
Why is the evening paper so thick? Well, because it's Sunday's paper.
Sunday? I have been asleep for 24 hours? Well, no.
Actually, it's Tuesday.
I thought you might like the Sunday funnies.
I have been asleep for three days? Three days? What happened to "Thank you, Balki, for the miracle"? Three days.
Well, if you had taken just a teaspoonful like you were supposed to you would have taken just a little 20-minute nap.
But you had to gobble down the whole thing.
So you took 216 little 20-minute naps.
I counted.
I missed my one-shot date with Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
Well, we gotta talk about that too.
After you were asleep, Bonnie called and she was very excited about seeing Bruce Springsteen.
So I did just what you told me to do.
I told her you were dead.
And then I told her you were rich.
And then I took her out myself.
You took out my date? Well, of course I did.
You were dead.
But you didn't miss anything.
When we got there, Bonnie ran off with some guy who had front-row tickets.
You slept through that humiliating experience.
I lived it.
Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I guess I've been a little rude.
Insensitive, inconsiderate.
Stop me anytime now.
- No, you're doing fine.
Well, I realize you had my best interests at heart.
I did.
And I know I should not have forced the Mypos cure on you.
Even though it was the best thing for you.
Well, let's not fight about it.
I mean, you have your ways and I have my ways.
Who's to say who's right? You say tomato and I say tomato.
Good point.
At least it wasn't a total loss.
You got to see Springsteen.
Oh, he didn't show up.
He had the flu and was smart enough to stay home.
They rescheduled the concert for next week.
You can go then with Bonnie Kleinschmidt.
No, I don't think so.
I think I'll give this ticket to somebody who deserves it.
Somebody who knows Larry Appleton.
Someone who likes Larry Appleton.
Someone who's related to Larry Appleton.
Why not? You spent the last three days taking care of me? I dusted you every morning.
What do you say you and I use these tickets? Germs.