Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e06 Episode Script

Babes in Babylon

Watch out, Gilligan.
Skipper's got a frying pan.
Oh, Gilligan.
You are one dumb cookie.
Balki, you're not gonna believe it.
Here, read this.
"Dear, sirs.
The management" "The management of Shop 'N Spend Grocery Stores is happy to inform you" "That you are" "That you are the winners of a state-of-the-art refrigerator.
" Yes! "Refrigerator or a free trip for two to exciting Las Vegas.
" Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I've always dreamed of going to Vegas.
Well, dream on, because we're taking the refrigerator.
What's wrong with Vegas? Are you kidding? Vegas is a moral wasteland.
It goes against everything I was ever told I believe in.
When were you in Vegas? - Well, l Never.
But I saw Oceans Eleven.
All Vegas is is gambling, flashing lights, big entertainers and showgiris in skimpy costumes.
You're right.
Let's pack.
Hey, hey, hey.
Balki, we have the opportunity to own the worid's greatest refrigerator.
It even talks to you.
It tells you when you leave the door open.
It tells you when you're low on eggs.
When you eat too much, it talks down to you.
I want to go to Vegas.
Well, my name was on the entry too and I want the refrigerator.
But, cousin, I never thought I'd come to America, and here I am.
And now I have a chance to have an adventure.
To go one of the most famous place in the worid.
And you want a refrigerator? It has a lettuce crisper.
Cousin, I know a way to decide.
Put your hands out like this.
In Mypos, this how the parents choose a bride for their son.
That's a ridiculous way to decide anything.
That's what the groom usually says.
This is America.
In America, we decide these things by the flip of a coin.
Now, you call it.
I lose.
I always lose.
Vegas, here we come.
Oh, cousin, we're going to have an adventure.
Well, I'll go.
But I won't have any fun.
Well, of course not.
I wouldn't expect you to.
It's everything I dreamed Vegas would be.
Me too.
Oh, look.
Somebody left a beautiful pen.
It's from the hotel.
You can keep it.
Free champagne.
They want you to get drunk so you'll gamble more.
Don't touch this until we get back to Chicago.
I'm gonna put my luggage in my room and get a good night's sleep, because tomorrow is a big day.
Now, that's great art.
The whole village could sleep on this.
"Magic Fingers, 25 cents.
" Vegas.
Cousin Larry, come here.
Don't tell me.
You found the stationary.
Wayne Newton is here.
So? He is the biggest-selling record artist on Mypos.
The man is a legend.
We must go see him.
If it means that much to you, we'll try to get tickets.
Thank you.
Is there anything you would like to do while we're here in Vegas? Well, I did make a list of some fun things to do.
I thought at 11, we could take the bus tour out to Hoover Dam.
That will get us back here by 4:30.
Then it's a 15-minute walk to the Liberace Museum.
An hour for the tour if we skip the shoe collection.
And then we can end the day with a nice desert walk.
Cousin Larry, you're leaving out the most fun thing of all.
The casino.
No, no.
Absolutely no casinos.
Why not? - Balki, why do you think I came along? To take all the fun out of the trip? To protect you.
I just don't want you to end up like our Uncle Pete.
Who Uncle Pete? Uncle Pete was a gambler.
He gambled away everything he owned.
His car, his house.
We never did find Aunt Susan.
My point is, it's in the family blood, and that's why you can't go into a casino.
I want to go to casino.
All right.
Maybe after the desert walk and before Wayne Newton we can walk through the casino.
Oh, boy.
- But no stopping.
Oh, boy.
We should have taken the refrigerator.
- Well, it's a little late for that now.
Place your bets.
Do it again.
Do it again.
What is this? - This is the bar.
What was that we just ran through? That was the casino.
Cousin, why you didn't tell me? I want to see the casino.
Hey, you got a great view from right here.
Look at them.
You wanna become one of those miserable souls out there? Yes.
No, you don't.
They're really crying on the inside.
Boy, they're hiding it well.
Just sit down, order a drink and I'll go get our tickets.
But I want to - Balki, sit.
Remember Uncle Pete.
Hi there.
Wanna have a good time? Well, I've already been to the Liberace Museum.
Let's start again.
Hi, my name's Wendy.
Hello, Wendy.
Are you a showgirl? I can do Hamlet in a rubber suit if the price is right.
I love the theater.
Look, so do you wanna party or what? I would love to go to a party.
Can I bring Cousin Larry? I got the tickets.
Cousin Larry, this is Wendy.
Hello, Cousin Larry.
Hello, Wendy.
Balki, what are you doing with this woman? Shooting the breeze.
She wants to go to a party.
- I bet she does.
Uh This man has no money.
Hi there.
Wanna have a good time? Balki, what were you doing with her? Don't you know what that woman does for a living? Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
She does Hamlet in a rubber suit.
No? Let's just say that she's in the worid's oldest professiĆ³n.
Oh! - Oh! Oh! She's a sheepherder.
That's right.
Why don't you and I go get ready? Oh, we have plenty of time.
I have a quarter.
I want to hit the slots.
All right.
This will be a good lesson for you.
Obviously, you won't be happy until you throw your money away.
Go ahead.
Put your money in the machine, pull the handle watch your money disappear into the pockets of some man named Guido.
I hope you're happy.
I love Vegas.
So this is what a casino looks like.
Different when you're not running.
Okay, you've seen it.
Now, let's get out of here.
This place is dangerous.
If you stay here, you'll catch the fever.
What fever? I hit $ 150 jackpot.
Balki, I forbid you to stay here.
- Well, papa, don't preach.
I'm a big boy now.
I can look after myself.
That's just what Uncle Pete said just before he gambled away his pacemaker.
Cousin, I am going to go gambling.
All right, all right, fine.
This will be a good lesson.
You've had the thrill of victory, you should taste the agony of defeat.
What is this game? - It's called roulette.
The odds are really against you.
Why don't you try it? All right.
If you think I should.
Just put them down.
Good, 32.
Now watch your money disappear.
Number 32.
This is fun.
Can you teach me how to spin the marble? No.
We don't have much time if we wanna see Wayne Newton.
I'm gonna help lose your money.
- How much should we bet? You bet half and I'll bet half.
That way, one bad spin and you'll be broke.
Good strategy.
Number 36.
Cousin, you won.
I can't get a break.
Oh, I lose.
Now how do you feel? Broke and miserable.
Believe me, you're a better person for it.
Now, soon as I lose the rest of your money, we can go to the show.
Let it ride.
Number 36.
Cousin, you did pretty good.
Yeah, I guess I would be if I was trying to win.
Let's try my birthday.
Cousin, almost time for Wayne's show.
Well, Balki, I can't leave.
I still have all this money to lose for you.
But Wayne is waiting.
- All right, I'll tell you what.
Here's your ticket to the show.
I'll catch up with you as soon as I lose this.
Number 24.
I win, I win.
Are you sure you don't mind? Hmm? Cousin, are you all right? I'm fine.
I'll see you at the show.
Why don't you come now? - No, you go ahead.
Save my seat.
I'm just as excited about seeing Wayne as you are.
Okay, baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Double down, boxcars, let it ride.
Number 24 again.
- Yes, yes! Come on, 12.
Lucky number 12.
Number 22.
I was gonna bet 22.
Okay, give me 22.
- What? What? I waited and waited for you.
And I worried for you.
Why you didn't come to see Wayne? Well, I would have but I sold my ticket.
Number 12.
Okay, come on.
Give me six, 12, 22.
And all the blacks.
Why you sold your ticket? - Gambling takes money.
Well, you have plenty of money.
- You can never have enough money.
Cousin, I'm confused.
I thought you stayed here to lose my money to teach me a lesson.
Well, school's out.
Come on six, 12, 22 and all the blacks.
Number seven.
Cousin, where you got those chips? I sold my plane ticket.
You sold your plane ticket? How are you going to get home? Don't worry.
When I win enough, I can buy it back.
I think you take after Uncle Pete's side of the family.
One more time for number 12.
No, no, I don't let you do that.
- Balki, just put those on the 12.
No, no.
- No, Balki.
Oh, look.
There's Wayne Newton.
Wayne? - Everything on the 12.
Spin it, spin it.
You tricked Balki.
You used Wayne's name in vain.
I can't let you gamble away everything like your Uncle Pete.
Balki, why don't you give the nice men back their marble? Not until you promise to stop gambling.
He just doesn't understand good clean fun.
- I promise.
All right, good.
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
I won't.
Now, go to your room.
I'm not going anywhere.
I lied.
- Well, then, I lied too.
Balki, give me back those chips.
Number 12.
- No, no.
Balki! Balki! Here's Larry.
I want my money.
Aah! It's all right.
Everything's all right.
I forgive you.
Aah! I know you're here.
I can smell my chips.
Oh, well.
Maybe he's not here after all.
- Ooh.
Give me my chips.
Cousin Larry, Cousin Larry.
There is no Cousin Larry.
There's only Lucky Larry.
And I'm going for the big jackpot.
I'm gonna blow this town wide open.
Now give me my chips.
You don't know what you're doing.
- I know exactly what I'm doing.
Uncle Pete.
Oh, my God.
What's happening? - Well, I'm no expert.
But as far as I can tell, you just went off the deep end.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I thought I came along to protect you, and now look at me.
I sold my Wayne Newton ticket.
I sold my plane ticket.
I sold the free champagne.
I'm I'm a compulsive gambler.
No, you are not.
You're just a regular person who got caught up in the excitement of Vegas.
Am I? Well, of course you are.
You don't bet on the football pools or the horses at home, do you? That's true.
And when I tried to buy a lottery ticket, you told me not to waste my money.
I did, I did.
Do you feel like gambling now? I don't ever wanna see the inside of another casino for as long as I live.
Oh, you're doing it again.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come again? You're problem is you either go too far or you don't go at all.
If you want to have any fun, you've got to find somewhere in the middle.
I've always had trouble with the middle.
Cousin, you just need some practice having fun.
I could help you.
For instance, this weekend we could have a little fun.
Then next weekend, we could have a little more fun.
And then in a couple of years, you could be a real party animal, like me.
Do you think so? - Well, of course I do.
Don't worry about your plane ticket.
I'll loan you the money.
Oh, Balki, thank you.
I owe you a lot.
I know.
But you would do the same for me.
I would? I would.
I would.
That's nice.
Now, let's go do something fun.
Can we catch Wayne Newton's second show? Now you're talking.
Larry Appleton, you're going to be one fun guy.