Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e08 Episode Script

Two Men and a Cradle

Hello, little Frankie.
This little baby speaks Myposian.
I just told him to drink his bottle, cry a little and let the milk dribble down his chin, and he did it.
Sure you don't mind keeping the baby for the weekend? Gina, no problem.
- Do you think it will be okay with Larry? Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
Do we have to tell him? - Balki.
Okay, it's no problem.
I'll handle him.
Gina.
- Hi.
Look who she's got with her.
It's little Frankie.
Oh, hi, Frankie.
How's it going, pal? I bet you and Steve can't get enough of this little guy.
It's wonderful.
Gina, what's the problem? Well, look, you know Steve's a truck driver.
He's gone a week, sometimes two weeks at a time.
When we're apart, he misses me.
Well, of course he misses you.
That's natural.
No, I mean, he really misses me.
Well, yes.
You know what I think? I think that all Gina and Steve need is some time alone away from the baby.
Well, Balki, you're right.
I think that's a wonderful idea.
I'm glad you said that.
Well, actually, you said it first.
Yes, but you said it was a wonderful idea.
I heard you.
Balki, why do I get the feeling there's more going on here than I'm aware of? Can't pull the wool over your nose.
Cousin, I just thought it would be nice if sometime we take the baby with us so that Gina and Steve could have some time alone.
Well, that's no problem.
It's not? - Of course not.
Gina, I tell you what, sometime next summer why don't you and Steve just plan a really romantic evening What the heck, make it a weekend.
And Balki and I will take care of little Frankie.
Oh, what the heck, how about we take him right now? Now? Well, I'm sure Gina needs time to make plans.
Oh, they're made.
I'm going with Steve on a weekend run to Philadelphia.
Philadelphia.
The birth place of the Constitution.
I'm aware of that.
I just Don't worry about a thing.
Everything you need is here in this bag.
Well, l - I left complete instructions with Balki.
Now, if you need to reach me, you can get me on Steve's CB.
His handle is the Italian Stallion.
You be a good boy, Frankie.
Mama loves you.
Thanks for everything.
This means a lot to me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we should Bye, bye.
Have a wonderful time.
You tricked me.
Now, cousin, little Frankie's watching.
You don't want to have a nervous break dance.
Balki, this is a decisiĆ³n we both should have made.
I don't know how you did it.
And I don't wanna know.
Okay, I've got to go pick up the laundry now.
Cousin, will you be here? Watching the baby is not my job.
I have a life, you know.
Well, I'll be right back.
Okay, okay, don't worry, little Frankie.
Your bottle will be ready in just a minute.
It's not going to work.
Balki's the one who made a promise to your mother and he's the one who's going to have to keep it.
I know what you're trying to do.
You think if you do something adorable, I'll melt.
Well, you can forget it.
Now, come on, cut that out.
Did that come from you, you little? How is little Frankie? Oh, fine, I suppose.
I really haven't been paying attention.
What's that, your third load? Fourth.
And this is not a fun job.
In Mypos, we don't have washing machines and ready-made formula but at least we have diapers that don't fall apart when you wash them.
Balki, those are disposable diapers.
Well, of course they are.
Don't be ridiculous.
What your point? Balki, after the baby goes boom-boom, you're supposed to throw them away.
Then what? - Then you use a new one.
This is all very complicated and very tiring.
Well, I hope you're learning a lesson in all this.
Are you going to talk down to me now? - Yes.
Yes, I am.
It just so happens that I have a lot more experience with babies than you.
Well, of course you do.
Your mama had nine of them.
Yes.
Yes, she did, and I always had to help her with the others.
She'd say, "Larry, run to the store and get some more milk.
Larry, babysit your brother.
Larry, let Elaine tie you up.
" Boy, that Elaine was a pistol.
Never mind Elaine.
The point is, I know there's more to taking care of a baby than just holding it and letting it coo at you.
And you should have known it too.
You take responsibility too lightly.
Maybe.
You do, you do.
Say it.
I take responsibility too lightly.
That's right.
Now, will you help me? Well, someone's got to.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Well, I think it's getting close to the little fella's feeding time.
Now, Balki, when you burp little Frankie later you'll want to put a towel on your shoulder so he doesn't dittle on your shirt.
Cousin, you're a genius.
Why you didn't tell me that five shirts ago? Is that his bottle? Well, it's not mine.
All right, now, Balki, listen very carefully.
It's very important that the temperature of the milk is right.
Yes, I know that, but - You don't want it to be too hot or too cold.
So, what you want to do after you warm the bottle is to just throw a few drops on your Yes, I know that - Balki, please.
Balki, do you want my help or not? Yes, I do, but - Balki, just Just give me that.
- Balki, Balki, watch and learn.
You just wanna sprinkle a few drops on the inside of your wrist.
Warm enough? Perfect.
Balki.
Balki, wake up.
It's 3 in the morning.
It's your turn.
Already? I don't understand.
He can't be hungry.
He's not wet.
Why you won't sleep? Maybe he's a night person.
How do parents live through this? I'll tell you how.
They get a couple of jerks to take their baby off their hands.
Let me amend that.
They get one jerk to trick a bigger jerk into taking their baby off their hands.
You think this is all my fault? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
You should have known we couldn't handle this kind of responsibility.
What happened to Mr.
L- Come-From-A-Big-Family? Oh, okay, okay.
How about this? My little brother Davey used to like it when I made faces at him.
Well, it's worth a try.
Any other bright ideas, Mr.
Spock? Balki, we've overlooked the simplest solution of all.
Well, of course we have, don't be ridiculous.
What is it? Use your head.
Since the beginning of time what have mothers done to calm cranky babies? Well, I can think of one thing, but we're not equipped for that.
I'm talking about singing the baby to sleep.
Cousin, you are a genius.
What should we sing? What else? Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top When the wind blows The cradle will rock When the bough breaks The cradle will fall And down will come baby, cradle and all Stop it! You give him nightmares.
Who made up such a terrible song? That's not such a terrible song.
My mother sang it to me all the time.
Well, that explains a lot.
I suppose you have a better song.
Well, of course I do.
- Oh, is that right? That's right.
- Oh, really? Frankie should hear a song about a happy family.
Oh, I see.
- Happy children who don't fall out of trees.
Well, please, be my guest.
You know, the park's a totally different place when you have a child with you.
And taking Frankie along was fun too.
Too bad we didn't know last night that he likes to sleep in the park.
Did you notice how perky he was when he woke up from his nap? Most babies take a little while to adjust, but not our Frankie.
And he smiled at everyone who looked into his carriage.
I think the other parents were a little jealous, don't you? Well, of course they were.
We had the best baby.
Did you notice how nervous some of them were? I don't think they've had any experience with babies at all.
I don't know what the big fuss is.
After all, what's a baby but a short adult in plastic pants? Oh, I know that cry.
That's an I'm-wet-and-uncomfortable cry.
Is Uncle Balki right? Are you all wet and? Cousin? - Hm? The last time you changed little Frankie, was he a little boy or a little girl? What are you talking about? He's a boy.
Well, we gotta talk about that.
This baby is a girl.
That's not possible.
It is possible if we took the wrong baby home from the park.
Look for yourself.
Oh, my Lord.
That's a That's That's not a boy.
I just said that.
How could something like this happen? Maybe during the puppet show.
There were so many carriages and you didn't notice you took the wrong carriage.
I took the wrong carriage? Well, I couldn't be pushing the carriage, I was getting the balloons.
Well, you're the one who wanted the balloons.
Well, they were for Frankie.
- Well, they're not for Frankie now.
What are we going to do? All right, we'll go back to the park and look for Frankie.
Wait a minute, I got it.
We go back to the park and look for Frankie.
Right.
- Wait a minute.
What if he's not there? - Oh, my God.
What if he's not there? You did it again.
- I didn't leave the baby.
You left the baby.
You left the door open.
- I didn't leave the door open.
I can't believe we couldn't find the baby.
I can't believe Gina's going to be here any minute and we have to tell her we couldn't find the baby.
Frankie.
Frankie.
Well, what do you think, he came home on his own? Frankie? Frankie.
All right, we told everyone at the park, we called the police, called the newspapers.
Anything else we should have done? - How should I know? I've never lost a baby before.
- All right, we need to calm down.
Calm down.
The people who took Frankie by mistake will realize they made a mistake and they'll bring him back here.
Do you think so? - Yes.
Unless they're the ones that owned the Winnebago we saw at the park.
They could be halfway across the state before they realize they took the wrong baby.
Why did you have to say that? Did I say that? We have to get Frankie back before Gina gets here.
Gina! - Gina! What are we going to do? No problem.
We're not here.
But we are here.
- She won't know that if we don't answer.
She'll go away.
In a couple of days, we'll call and tell her to come get Frankie.
You are kidding, aren't you? What do you suggest we do? - I suggest we tell her the truth.
Oh, that's just fine.
When she asks how everything went, we just say: "Oh, smooth as silk with one slight hitch, we lost the baby.
How about a soft drink?" Hey, anybody home? Well, I've got to open the door for her.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Cousin, I have to - No, no, no! Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, how's my little Frankie? - Shh! Asleep, asleep.
Come over here.
Well, I certainly hope he wasn't too much trouble.
Well, everything was all right until today.
And then, we took Frankie to the park.
All we wanted We meant for him to have a good What Balki is trying to say is that we were having so much fun with Frankie that we hate to see him go.
Gina, I went to get a balloon for Frankie, and I thought He thought that I wanted a balloon.
Why would I want a balloon? But enough about us.
How was your weekend? Well, it was wonderful, very romantic.
Steve and I worked out a lot of problems.
We decided that when Frankie gets a little older, we're going to have another baby.
Maybe we'll have a girl next time.
- Maybe sooner than you think.
Gina, this is not easy, but we have something to tell you.
You have to know that - That you look terrible.
I do? - No, she does not.
Yes, she does.
Oh, yes, you do.
I know you've been on the road 18 hours but you don't want Frankie to see you until you freshen up.
You'll scare the dickens out of him.
Yeah, but Steve is waiting in the truck.
- Well, he can wait.
You take all the time you need.
The baby will be here when you get out.
What are you trying to do? - I'm trying to tell Gina the truth.
Steve! - Steve! I've got to let him in.
- No.
Are you crazy? He's a teamster.
He'll kill us.
I've got to open that door.
- No.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.
- Oh, no, you don't.
No, no, no! Hi.
- Hi.
Katie! Katie! BALKl: Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Hi, I'm Linda Richards.
When I discovered I took the wrong baby, I was out of my mind with worry.
He was worried.
I'm just out of my mind.
I went to the park and some people told me to come here.
Thank you for taking care of her.
Thank you for taking care of Frankie.
Well, I'd better be going.
My husband has a Winnebago double-parked out front.
I'd love to hear more about your trip, but I don't want you to get a ticket.
Why don't you come by and see us again another time? Bye-bye, Katie.
We made it.
And you were going to tell Gina the truth.
How do we know that this is little Frankie? There's one way to be sure.
Yes.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, that's him all right.
- That's him.
That's the little baby.
Little Italian Stallion.
Well, how do I look now? You look terrific.
Thanks for everything.
You guys are fantastic.
Oh, it was nothing.
Why is he wearing a T-shirt that says "Katie"? Well, well, well You know, except for the last few hours, I kind of enjoyed having Frankie around.
Of course, for the last few hours, he wasn't around.
It makes you realize what a lot of work it is being a mother.
Yeah, my mother had to raise nine of us.
You know, tomorrow I'm going to go buy a present for my mama to say thank you.
Well, that's a good idea.
I think I'll send my mother some flowers.
You know, it's not easy having someone depend on you to take care of them when they can't take care of themselves.
Yeah, that Frankie was a handful.
I was talking about you.