Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e11 Episode Script

A Christmas Story

Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying Five onion rings Four calling birds - Three French hens And a partridge in a pear tree On behalf of Donald and myself and our children, Donnie and Marie we'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy and a healthy New Year.
Thank you.
All right, all right.
You've had your fun, you've had your food.
The party is over.
Appleton, you and the turnip clean up.
We'll put the food away.
I think it was a lovely party, don't you? I don't even like these people.
And you've spent a hundred dollars feeding them meat.
Donnie, Marie, put that stuff down and get in the car.
Oh, yeah? Try and make us.
That's it, that's it.
No presents, no candy.
Boys, I'd like to thank you for working so hard all year and I want to apologize for my husband.
He really wasn't mugged on the way from the bank with your Christmas bonuses.
Then who give him that black eye? Never mind about that.
Merry Christmas, boys.
- Merry Christmas, thank you.
Boy, a Christmas bonus.
I can always use another envelope.
Balki, there's money inside.
Money? And Mr.
Twinkacetti just said we could leave off work 10 minutes early.
When will it all stop? Balki, it only gets better.
You haven't seen anything yet.
Wait till we get to Madison.
My mom will open the front door and there'll be the smell of hot Apple cider on the stove and date-nut bread baking in the oven.
Right, there'll be a - Roaring fire in the fireplace and the whole family will be standing around the piano singing carols.
Guess I've talked about Christmas in Madison a lot.
Only since June.
But I like hearing about it.
I have a feeling this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
I can't wait.
Give me a break.
That's no ángel.
That's Little Joe Cartwright.
Snow! Cousin, come and look.
- In a minute.
Cousin, come and look.
Come and look, come and look.
Come here.
Come and look.
Isn't it beautiful? If you think this is good, wait till you see the snow in Madison.
I can't believe even the snow is better in Madison.
Oh-ho, yeah.
You're gonna love Christmas morning.
My mom always tries to trick us by setting the clocks back but you can't fool nine kids.
And you know what this year is? Well, yes, it is.
What I meant was, this year, I'm the Christmas boy.
Well, of course you are.
Don't be ridiculous.
What is that? It's my turn to hand out the presents.
I've waited nine years for it to be my turn again.
Boy, I love Christmas with my family.
This is the first Christmas I'm going to be away from my family.
And I'm going to miss my little nieces and nephews laughing and the smell of baklava in the kitchen and the joy of decorating the Christmas turtle.
Well, of course you're gonna miss all that.
Anyone would.
Did you say Christmas turtle? Well, of course.
On Mypos, at Christmas the whole family goes down to the seashore and we catch a big sea turtle and we bring it home and we decorate with glass balls and angels and little strips of tin foil but you wouldn't know about those things.
Anyway the day after Christmas, we take him back and put him in the ocean and he swim away.
But the same turtle keeps coming back to us every Christmas.
And I'm gonna miss Bernie.
You know what I can't understand? Why do American decorate trees instead of turtles? Well, one good reason is a tree won't slowly crawl out of the living room.
That's what the Christmas lettuce is for.
I'm gonna miss those things.
Well, hey, buddy, I know Christmas isn't gonna be the same for you but it could be just as good.
Sometimes, you have to adjust to the changes in your life and move on.
Thank you for inviting me to share your Christmas.
Well, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Come in.
Hi, we're on our way.
We just thought we'd say goodbye.
Well, have a wonderful trip.
We will.
With the storm coming in, the skiing is gonna be terrific.
Yeah, I always heard it was better with snow.
Have a merry Christmas.
- Oh You can't go yet.
It's mistletoe.
Merry Christmas.
- Mm.
How did you make that happen? Mistletoe.
It's an old tradition.
You hang it over the door and women have to kiss you.
What a gimmick.
Why don't we hang it up all year long? Unfortunately, it only works at Christmas.
Then I'm taking it with us.
Well, you all packed? Let's go to Madison.
- Yeah.
Let me call first.
No point in sitting at the airport if our plane is late.
Hi, yes, I'm just calling to be sure that Flight 12 to Madison is on time.
What? What are you talking about? Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve.
I mean, people have places to go.
Yeah, well, sure.
Merry Christmas.
What is it? - The airport is snowed in.
Is that bad? Our flight's been canceled.
We can't get home for Christmas.
Hello, Mom, it's Larry.
- Hi, Mrs.
That's Balki.
Mom, we She says hello.
The airport is closed, but don't worry, we'll be there, I promise.
It'll just be a little later.
Mom, please, whatever you do, don't let anyone else be the Christmas boy.
Especially Elaine.
You know how much she loves to Elaine, get off the extensión.
All right, Mom, I'll see you as soon as I can.
Yeah, love you too.
Cousin, I found a bus company.
It really is easier when you let your fingers do the walking.
Balki, we're gonna get there.
Yeah, hi, I need your Hmm? Yeah, merry Christmas to you too.
I need your next bus to Madison.
The road is closed? What do you mean, a blizzard? I know what a blizzard is.
We're running out of ways to get there.
What we going to do? Balki, we're going to get there.
This is America.
We have one of the most sophisticated transportation systems in the worid.
I'd like to rent a snowplow.
You've given them all to the police? Your ad says "Serving the public for over 40 years.
" I am the public.
What? Ye Hello? Hello? Great.
If I don't get home, Elaine is gonna get to hand out the presents and it won't be my turn again until 1995.
There's got to be a way to get there.
Too bad we can't just take your car.
- Hmm.
Yes! Yes! I've got $3OO worth of snow tires on my car.
Of course.
We'll just drive there.
But if the plane and the bus can't get there, how you going to get through with the car? Balki, blizzards stop wimps.
Not men like us, men with a missión.
Just think, there'll be no traffic.
We'll just breeze on in.
Okay, let's breeze.
Are you sure we can make it? - Of course we can make it.
It's just snow.
Right, it's just snow.
Over the river and through the woods To Appletons house we go Come on, come on.
Balki? Balki, what are you doing? - Don't stop now, push harder.
Why am I doing all the pushing? Because I'm the better driver.
Is that why we're on the sidewalk? This car isn't going anywhere till spring.
Let's go home.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
They call these snow tires.
Look, a Christmas tree store.
- What good is that gonna do us? We're not going to get to Madison so we're going to have our Christmas here in Chicago.
I don't see how.
- Just watch.
Yeah? We want a tree.
What, are you kidding? I sold the last one four hours ago.
I'm having dinner.
Come on, Balki, the man's eating.
Please, I want a tree.
Marvin, in or out, just close the door.
I knew we should never have moved in with her mother.
Look, guys, I'd like to help you but I got nothing here.
What about that tree? Balki, when they chopped that tree down, it was a mercy killing.
I think it will perk up once we put it in water.
Let's buy it and throw it in Lake Michigan.
You're in a bad mood, aren't you? He's leaning in that direction.
You guys want this tree? You got it, it's yours.
I'm freezing to death out here.
- Thank you.
Balki, this will never be a Christmas tree.
Cousin, it's not perfect, but it'll be pretty when it's decorated.
No matter what we do, it's not gonna be Christmas.
It's just not there.
What's not there? The Christmas feeling.
Cousin, you're going to get the Christmas feeling.
When we take this home and decorate it, it'll be beautiful, you'll see.
Fine, you do that.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
I'm going for a walk.
I'm going with you.
- No.
I wanna be alone.
I'm Balki Claus.
Merry Christmas! It was the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a little tiny sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
On, Dancer, on, Prancer and on, Donna Dixon.
On, Comet, on, Cupid on, Reagan, on, Nixon.
Feel free to jump in any time.
Where did you get that Santa suit? The same place I got all these great decorations.
Downstairs in our very own Ritz Discount Store.
What do you think? I think the proper thing to do is to cover the tree with a sheet.
Let it rest in peace.
It's no Christmas turtle, but wait till I turn on the lights.
Cover your eyes.
Okay, okay.
The lights don't work.
They always work in Madison.
- Okay, wait, wait.
There's more.
I found a food store that's open on Christmas Eve.
We're going to have a big Christmas dinner after all.
We got potato knishes, gefilte fish, matzo ball soup and brisket.
I'm not hungry.
- Okay, we sing Christmas carols.
I don't feel like singing.
- Okay, we'll string popcorns.
We'll do the things you do in Madison.
Balki, you wanna help me celebrate Christmas? More than anything in the worid.
- Then leave me alone.
Okay, now you're making Balki mad.
I'm busting my buttocks trying to make a nice Christmas for you and all I get is "bah, humbugger.
" You're acting just like Ebenezer Stooge.
I'm sorry you can't have Christmas at home with your family.
What about me? You think I don't miss Christmas on Mypos with my family? Passing the Christmas Bota bag roasting radishes over an open fire.
Roasting radishes? You're the one that told me that I have to adjust to changes in my life and move on.
You give real good advice but when the table's upside down, you act like a big baby.
Maybe it's time you grow up.
I don't wanna.
Well, you're gonna have-ta.
Just because this Christmas is different doesn't mean it can't be good.
And that's another thing you told me.
Why am I telling this to you? Balki, I know what you're saying and I know it's true but it's just not that easy to let it go.
Maybe you can, and I admire you for that, but I can't.
It just doesn't feel like Christmas.
Okay, maybe the feeling will come if we open presents.
No, no, no.
We always open the presents on Christmas morning.
I'm Santa Claus and I say we open the presents now.
You can be the Christmas boy.
That's yours.
- Hmm.
You go first.
- Okay.
I was hoping you'd say that.
A home entertainment center.
And a Wayne Newton tape.
You read my letter to Santa.
Well, yeah, I did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Balki, this is beautiful.
I make it myself.
You made this? I started it the night I come here to America and you took me in.
And every night after you go to sleep, I work on it for one hour.
So happy birthday.
That what we say on Mypos.
Because Christmas is not just Christmas turtles and presents it's also the birthday of Baby Jesus.
Yeah, I guess I forgot that too.
But the sheepherders never forget it.
We were the first ones to get the news, you know.
Thank you, Balki.
Thank you very much.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I was just remembering a Christmas when I was 6 years old.
It was the first time I realized that my dad buying presents for my mom and saying they were from me wasn't enough.
I wanted to get her something myself, but I didn't have any money so I made her a potholder.
And it was really pretty ugly.
But when she saw it, she cried and she hugged me and she told me it was the nicest Christmas present anybody had ever given her, And I didn't really understand what she meant till now.
Balki, this is the nicest present anybody has ever given me.
Wait a minute.
Something's happening.
What? Yes, there it is.
There what is? It's the Christmas feeling.
It's back.
The Christmas lights come on.
It's a Christmas miracle.
You know, Balki, I thought I was missing Christmas with my family and my friends.
But I'm not.
You're here.
Merry Christmas.
- Happy birthday.