Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e02 Episode Script
Frank Leaves Noreen
Welcome, and you join us with our socially inept, young sports writer cleaning up the kitchen.
A rare occurrence! What on Earth's going on? They're taking things slow, but tonight's the night.
He must be keen, because against every sinew of his body, he's gone out and bought a scented candle! Oh, dear Hey, don't take that down! I'm not having a girl think I like Simply Red.
With Simply Red.
In Zimbabwe, they were the only Mick Hucknall was the only one who understood us? Plus all other music was banned.
You're in Britain now and everyone here thinks he's shit.
Sorry, but there's no nice way of saying it.
DOORBELL RINGS All right, Dad? Hello, Peter.
May I come in? Er yeah, all right.
Ah, Frank! How's it, bru? Er, no.
Your mother and I are having a bit of a break from each other.
What?! Yeah.
What do you mean? You're doing the right thing, Frank.
It's like my uncle and auntie back in Zimbabwe.
He took some time out and came back to the relationship with his batteries fully charged.
Though he found my auntie having a three-way with two of the farmhands and killed himself.
(LAUGHS) Manfred, would you mind? So is it all right if I stay here for a bit? Er Wouldn't you be happy in a hotel, like the ones Lenny Henry advertises? Those sort of prices are only available online months in advance.
'Now that suitcase looks heavy.
He could be here for a while.
'Yeah, Frank's outmanoeuvred him there.
Extra experience.
' Do you want tea? Ooh, yes, please.
So what happened? It doesn't matter.
Course it does! and I don't feel I can trust her any more.
What, you mean she's been shagging another?! I'm feeling hurt and humiliated and I don't want to talk about it.
God! Ah, this milk's off! Don't worry about that.
I should I'm going to sort this milk out, all right? Hi, Chloe, it's Pete.
I'm really, really, really sorry but I can't do tonight cos my dad's just turned up! That is a terrible message to have to leave.
Especially one with his testosterone levels.
Hello.
I bought this milk this morning and it seems to be off.
Can't be mine.
It is.
I bought it two hours ago.
Give it here.
No, mate, it's not off.
Look.
Doesn't matter what the sell by date is, give it a little smell.
Smells all right to me.
What do you think, Andy? It's a fine pint of milk you got.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Look, it's off and it's no wonder it's off.
Why don't you take some Cokes out your fridge to make room for your milk? Take my cans of Coke out?! Get out of here! (LAUGHS) Look, this is nuts! It's bad enough I've got to pay £1.
40 for it! No, it is a lovely shopping experience(!) Two CCTV cameras and a drunk Irish bloke's "nice".
Ha ha! Eh! Eh, you're a grand lad.
I need the cameras.
People keep trying to stab me.
Maybe people would stop trying to stab you if your milk wasn't off.
I'll just have a new milk, please.
Help yourself.
£1.
40.
You're joking, yeah? No.
Eh?! Yeah, you heard.
From now on, I'll be buying my stuff elsewhere.
Take your off milk and stick it up your arse! Hey, steady on! 'Pete couldn't face a night in with his dad, though there's an England friendly on.
'So, he ordered cheap margaritas to inject a sense of fun.
' Why are you young fellas hanging around with me? 'Hasn't worked though, Colin.
' This bar is full of top-class birds.
You still say "birds"? Dada! I prefer to say women.
It's more respectful.
Or punani.
When I was your age, I was having a crack, giving it all that.
When you get to my age, the only things you regret are the things you never did.
No, I'm not.
Well, you should.
So, what's the classiest punani you've ever pulled? Well, that would have to be Noreen.
Well done! Nice one, mate(!) Oh, Noreen, what happened to us? I tell you what I saw the other day, it was clips of people on level crossings being missed by trains.
Very funny.
Hilarious.
Yeah, I feel like I've been hit by a train.
People getting missed by trains - it's different.
Marriage is a lot like a train.
But there was no advance warning when my train hit trouble.
Somebody just dropped a breeze block off a bridge and killed the driver! Sorry It's all right.
It's OK.
MOBILE RINGS Oh, this is really important.
.
.
Hello? My parents have gone to a party and they're staying.
Can you come over? Yes, I can, yeah.
That's no problem.
Cool! Bye! All right.
'This will require the utmost tact and diplomacy.
' It's all right, Frank.
Look Pete's coming back.
Lads, I've got to shoot off.
What?! Chloe's got an emergency.
I've got to go.
A fanny-related emergency? Yeah! You'll be all right, won't you, Dad? I don't know.
I hope so.
Well, you're in good hands.
I'll see you later.
You've got to be kidding! No.
Come on, Frank, let it all out.
Just don't touch me! BELL RINGS I'm going to fuck your Hello, Jen.
I didn't know you were here.
Peter.
No.
MOBILE BEEPS Oh, there it is! 'So, while we ride out this awkward pause, 'let's have a look at Chloe's parents.
'Well, there's Jen, who once dated Robert Peston, BBC Business Editor.
'Mike, a consultant surgeon, who'd prefer his daughter 'to be dating someone who can swim further than ten metres.
'Oh, but I think he's about to say something ' You didn't stay at the party? Our host was the director of a rather large fish canning company.
I think you can see our dilemma.
Who wants to eat tinned fish at a party? No, he is complicit in the unsustainable over-fishing of the world's fish stocks.
And that's why you left? Yes.
I'd have done that, too.
Aww! So, Chloe said you're back together.
That's very, um Yeah! It is, isn't it? So how did you two hook up again? Um, well, we bumped into each other at an Eva Cassidy tribute concert.
"Bumped into" isn't totally accurate.
He kept an eye on her through Facebook, saw she was going to a concert and engineered bumping into her.
On the downside, he had to buy three Eva Cassidy albums.
Are you sure this is all right? Yeah, it's fine.
My parents are really cool.
All right then.
(MIKE) Ahem! Maybe we should just get some sleep.
Yeah, yeah Night.
Night.
'Look at the thickness of that wall 'You don't want to be have sex with a lass, 'when you're five inches from her dad's head.
'No, you do not! Well, observed, Terry.
'Well, here we are an hour later.
Pete struggled to get to sleep, 'then remembered the game highlights would be on the computer.
'Yeah, England already five-nil up against the depleted Bulgarians.
' Yes! Get stuck in! Pete, stop it.
Not much longer.
Aw, Chloe, look at that.
Eat it! In it goes! Stop it, Pete! Oh, you dirty bastard! I've had enough! Go on.
And another one.
And another one.
Yes! Back of the net! KNOCK AT DOOR Morning! Morning.
What would you like for breakfast? Anything at all.
I'm easy.
Choc Boulders? I don't think so.
But we did have our five-year-old niece staying.
Sleep well, Mike? We didn't do anything.
Do not treat me like a fool.
"Eat it.
In it goes.
Back of the net"?! I was watching the football.
I had earphones on.
Even you can do better than that.
No, no, that, that It's true! Look, it's there.
Look, we won 7-0.
Oh, that would actually make sense.
Ha ha! Sorry.
I'm afraid all I've got is organic oatmeal.
I'll do my best with it! Don't worry, Mike, we all make mistakes.
That's so funny.
Your dad thought I was forcing you to have rough sex, which I would never do.
When we were going out before we had straight vanilla sex.
Which was lovely.
Right, shall we just have breakfast? Oh, this looks Mm, lovely.
That's really nice.
Sorry about that.
Probably made it a little bit more awkward than I needed to.
Don't worry, it was Mike's fault.
Yeah.
But maybe you could make a bit more of an effort with him.
Mm, no, absolutely.
Yeah, I will.
Or I could just try and avoid him as much as possible.
He's got a shelving unit that he needs a hand putting up.
Maybe you could help him? Oh, thanks, Pete.
I'll tell him you're up for it.
You know, if he really got to know you I'm sure he'd love you as much as I do.
'Well, she's tossed it in there, the L-word! "Lesbian"? ' "Love"! That's the first time a girl has ever said she loves him.
' If we look at his previous bests, Pete took it as a compliment, but it made them break up.
As Pete heads home, he's in the mood for a celebration.
'He's going to lie on his bed with his computer and Tour Of Duty 3.
'I wondered what you were going to say there for a moment, Col!' Urgh! Dad! Peter.
'Well, it's a shame Pete didn't get much kip last night because after that, he's got a few sleepless nights to come.
We're back after these.
Welcome back.
And Pete's trying to come to terms with what he's just seen.
It's the most shocking thing he's witnessed since a trip to the zoo where he saw a lady milking a bat! I'm sorry about that, Peter.
It was just a one-off.
It was a mistake.
Ugh! So you did sleep with her? Yes, what you think happened? I thought there'd be some other explanation.
Don't tell your mother.
Yeah, I want to have that chat(!) Oh, thanks very much.
Why d'you do it?! I don't know.
Probably just trying to get back at your mum.
What has she done? You know that bloke from Currys she met at line dancing? Oh, my God.
Has has she I don't really want to talk about it.
I'm not ready.
Oh, no.
No.
Hello, you must be Frank's son? Yeah, this is Peter.
Peter, this is Kiki.
Well, thank you for last night, Frank.
Um By the way, do you have that £100? Pete's run errands for his dad before, He's got the paper, posted letters, gone for chips, 'Yeah, can't use the cash machine in that boycotted shop.
' Oh, good.
Kiki's got a 10.
30 to get to.
I've got your cash.
Thanks.
Well, my cab's here.
People to see, things to do.
No rest for the wicked, eh? Yeah.
I'll see you out! Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
PHONE RINGS 'Well, here we are at the scene of the crime.
' 'And it takes something like this to get Pete to change his sheets!' 'Yes, it's been a good six months and then he only reversed them! 'That phone - I'd say it's Kiki's.
'Yeah, got to be.
' Hello? No, she's not, and get a girlfriend you pervert! So, Pete round at Chloe's house and it looks like he's helping to put up a cupboard, Terry! Yeah and Mike, a very precise man, a surgeon, likes things just so.
Last bit of DIY, he couldn't even be bothered to get another brick to make that level.
But so far, they seem to be getting on.
Yeah.
Pass the Phillips screwdriver, please.
Someone called Kiki.
'Oh, this could be trouble.
' She didn't say anything about what she did or? No.
That's good.
Why, what does she do? 'Talked himself into that one!' ALARM SOUNDS She's not a whore! What? Just slept with my dad.
I thought your parents were still married? Yeah, well it happens.
Indeed it does.
Ah! So have you had a bit of a break in the past, then? What do you mean? Just how you were speaking.
No, since we were married there's never been anyone else.
OK.
Still, you can only really speak for yourself, can't you? Pardon? Well, you never know, given how good-looking Jen is.
What! You're all right but she's good-looking! Can we get on, please? It was surprising happening to Dad, but she'd have had loads of chances! Yeah! Ah, now you've made me forget the Ah! Ah! Aha! Ah! Argh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Pete, calm down.
Aha! Come here.
I need you to focus.
I've just dislocated my knee Aah! And I need you to pop it back in.
It's easy, just do what I say.
Can't Jen just do it? No, it requires strength.
Ah! You need to gently rotate the lower leg back 90 degrees.
Which direction? So it's in line with the rest of the leg! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ah! Now I need you to grip the ankle and pull it slowly but forcefully towards you away from me! You don't just want to wait for an ambulance? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't jerk it! Sorry, I'm sorry! Is everything all right in here? Mike! Ah! Oh, my fucking leg! (SCREAMS) 'Looks like Mike's going into shock there!' I'll go and get a bowl.
Ah! Oh, sorry, Mike! Ah! Life goes on and Pete's trying to get rid of that prostitute's phone! He's dialled the home number he's found on it.
Looks like he's got the answer machine.
Hello, it's Pete here, the son of your most recent trick.
I don't know.
'Good point!' What's the difference between a high-class prostitute and a normal one, Terry? Well, usually about 50 quid and an STD.
Ah.
DOORBELL RINGS Hi, Pete! Hi! How is he? He managed to get his knee in his socket eventually! They say he'll be almost completely better in four to six months! Aw, that (is good.
) I'm so sorry.
Oh! So you Hasn't put you off me? Course not! Could've happened to anyone.
Oh, good, cos I I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again.
Oh, Pete! No, I don't.
Aww.
I have to say though, if we don't have sex soon, my balls are going to explode! (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hello, Jen! Peter.
How are you? Fine.
Good, good! Do I look all right? Mum doesn't care how you look.
Oh, here she is.
You're looking well, Noreen.
Frank.
Shall we shall we get started? I think we all agree that we need to get him back where he belongs, which is your house.
Now, he promises not to bear any grudges, don't you? Cos, Mum, you know people have affairs.
I am not having an affair! What's got into you? She's not having an affair! Neither of us would ever do that! You said Mum was deceitful and you couldn't trust her.
I did not say that.
It's a direct quote! And what about that bloke who you met at line dancing, who works at Currys? Derek! Huh, I'm certainly not was because I ordered a new fridge through Derek without telling him.
That's what this has all been about, not a suburban Lothario, but a freestanding fridge-freezer! 'I wonder how many cans of cola 'the corner shop man could get in that? 'Might even be able to squeeze some milk in!' I think you owe Mum an apology, don't you? Yes, of course, you're right.
Look, Noreen, I'm really sorry, I went a bit over the top about you buying that fridge.
I was completely in the wrong.
But you've got to understand it was quite a shock.
You can get a good fridge-freezer for £250.
Not with an ice dispenser! What's so hard about filling an ice tray! Oh! All it takes is a bit of planning! All right, Dad.
All right.
Leave it, yeah? The main thing is you're sorry, yes? Yes.
Of course.
'Will she defrost?' She took him back.
Whey!(LAUGHS) So, is it still all right if I come over tonight? Aww, that's brilliant, Chloe.
I am going to fuck you until the bed breaks! Hello, Mum! Just doing some telephone banking.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
Mmm, Pete.
(Oh, no.
) (I haven't got any condoms.
) Oh.
Don't worry! Just have a cuddle! I'll be five minutes.
Just stay there.
Oh, OK.
'Pete rueing, as he's never rued before 'his decision to shun his local corner shop! 'Whoa, but what's this? 'I think he might be going back on his boycott.
' 'Cor, he's about as self-disciplined there as Eamonn Holmes 'with a packet of Jaffa Cakes, man!' 'Terry said that, Eamonn, not me.
' Can I have a packet of condoms, please? Eh, it's our friend with the off milk, eh! Sorry about that.
Can I have some condoms, please? I'm surprised, weren't you withdrawing custom? It was the heat of the moment.
I hadn't had my cup of tea.
You can take your pint of milk and stick it up your arse! What?! No, I Two CCTV cameras and a drunk Irishman! That's some memory for one who drinks at 9am! Ha-ha, aye! Oh, yeah, wallop, crunch.
Can I have my condoms, please? You're reinstating your custom? Yeah, if that's OK.
Yeah.
That's £8.
99, please.
What! Are you joking, mate? Well, you can always try the Lidl! But they might be closed.
All right! Thief.
Ha-ha, keep the change.
(LAUGHS) Good lad.
'Oh, dear.
Now, in anybody's book that's a tremendous shame.
'Well, it's eight hours later 'and Pete's not known for his patience.
' Mmm.
Aw.
Sorry, did I wake you up? No.
I I've got those things, by the way.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah.
Dad, what you doing?! Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry, son.
Hello, Frank.
Hello.
(Nice.
) I'm sorry.
I just came back for the rest of my stuff.
OK, well let's be as quick as we can.
Your mum won't be back for half an hour.
Half an hour! She's popped to the shops.
I gave her my debit card.
Oh, hello, Frank.
Ah, hello, Chloe.
Sorry about the Oh.
I'd make you a cup of tea but I'm afraid the milk's off.
Not again! Why don't I get some? Oh, thank you! Thanks, Chloe! Thank you! 'In the words of Stevie Wonder, "Isn't she lovely?"' So, is everything all right with Mum? Oh, yes, very much so.
Last night, for the first time in God knows how long, your Mum and I Ah! I don't want to know about that, thank you very much.
Managed to talk.
Oh.
DOORBELL RINGS That might be her now! I'll get your stuff.
Sorry to hear Frank's going.
Yeah! It's a real hammer blow, actually.
So, is he here? In there.
Mmm? What do you mean? Leaving a message calling me a high-class prostitute.
You are a high-class prostitute.
What! Why'd you think Kiki's a prostitute? Her name's Kiki, she slept with you! And you gave her 100 quid! That was a loan.
She'd lost her purse.
Thank you for that, Frank.
Oh.
Oh.
Kiki, I expect you've got lots of things to be getting on with? My dad heard that message, aside from whatever the hell you told my boss when he phoned! 'Yep, called him a pervert.
' I'm sorry.
And you're good-looking enough to be a high-class prostitute! Pardon! DOORBELL RINGS Maybe not high-class but able to make a living.
No, definitely a high-class prostitute.
Who's a high-class prostitute? Hello, Mum! Your mum! Yeah, my wife.
Darling.
Yes, I'm a prostitute and I've been here to visit one of my favourite clients.
'Oh, my goodness me!' Pete.
Isn't that right? Yeah, it is right, yeah, yeah.
We've got a regular understanding.
Oh, my God! 'He's taken one for the team!' How much did we say? Oh, yeah.
Eh 12 12 quid? Perfect.
OK, yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, hi! Who's that? She was a whore, Chloe.
A whore.
And she's been with Peter.
What?! She's not a prostitute, she's a businesswoman! I've got nothing to do with it, all right! Then why was she here and why did she say she was a prostitute? And why did you just pay her £12? 'All good questions.
' Come on, Pete! You're right, she is a prostitute and I have been sleeping with her.
What is the matter with you?! Chloe! You whore-monger! Chloe! Chloe, wait, listen to me.
What? It wasn't me, it was Dad who slept with her.
She's not even a prostitute.
Oh, come on, Pete.
You have to believe me.
Here he is.
Tell her.
Tell her the truth - you slept with her.
'Will Frank repay the favour?' I'm sorry, Peter, I don't know what you're talking about.
'Oh, no, he won't!' Goodbye, Pete.
No, Chloe! 'Oh, it's all over! 'the final indignity, that milk that Chloe got is once again off.
' 'Manfred didn't waste time getting his Hucknall poster back up.
' Can't speak for you, Terry, but I think Mick Hucknall's losing his looks.
Well, that's it from us.
Join us again next time when Pete takes on life!
A rare occurrence! What on Earth's going on? They're taking things slow, but tonight's the night.
He must be keen, because against every sinew of his body, he's gone out and bought a scented candle! Oh, dear Hey, don't take that down! I'm not having a girl think I like Simply Red.
With Simply Red.
In Zimbabwe, they were the only Mick Hucknall was the only one who understood us? Plus all other music was banned.
You're in Britain now and everyone here thinks he's shit.
Sorry, but there's no nice way of saying it.
DOORBELL RINGS All right, Dad? Hello, Peter.
May I come in? Er yeah, all right.
Ah, Frank! How's it, bru? Er, no.
Your mother and I are having a bit of a break from each other.
What?! Yeah.
What do you mean? You're doing the right thing, Frank.
It's like my uncle and auntie back in Zimbabwe.
He took some time out and came back to the relationship with his batteries fully charged.
Though he found my auntie having a three-way with two of the farmhands and killed himself.
(LAUGHS) Manfred, would you mind? So is it all right if I stay here for a bit? Er Wouldn't you be happy in a hotel, like the ones Lenny Henry advertises? Those sort of prices are only available online months in advance.
'Now that suitcase looks heavy.
He could be here for a while.
'Yeah, Frank's outmanoeuvred him there.
Extra experience.
' Do you want tea? Ooh, yes, please.
So what happened? It doesn't matter.
Course it does! and I don't feel I can trust her any more.
What, you mean she's been shagging another?! I'm feeling hurt and humiliated and I don't want to talk about it.
God! Ah, this milk's off! Don't worry about that.
I should I'm going to sort this milk out, all right? Hi, Chloe, it's Pete.
I'm really, really, really sorry but I can't do tonight cos my dad's just turned up! That is a terrible message to have to leave.
Especially one with his testosterone levels.
Hello.
I bought this milk this morning and it seems to be off.
Can't be mine.
It is.
I bought it two hours ago.
Give it here.
No, mate, it's not off.
Look.
Doesn't matter what the sell by date is, give it a little smell.
Smells all right to me.
What do you think, Andy? It's a fine pint of milk you got.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Look, it's off and it's no wonder it's off.
Why don't you take some Cokes out your fridge to make room for your milk? Take my cans of Coke out?! Get out of here! (LAUGHS) Look, this is nuts! It's bad enough I've got to pay £1.
40 for it! No, it is a lovely shopping experience(!) Two CCTV cameras and a drunk Irish bloke's "nice".
Ha ha! Eh! Eh, you're a grand lad.
I need the cameras.
People keep trying to stab me.
Maybe people would stop trying to stab you if your milk wasn't off.
I'll just have a new milk, please.
Help yourself.
£1.
40.
You're joking, yeah? No.
Eh?! Yeah, you heard.
From now on, I'll be buying my stuff elsewhere.
Take your off milk and stick it up your arse! Hey, steady on! 'Pete couldn't face a night in with his dad, though there's an England friendly on.
'So, he ordered cheap margaritas to inject a sense of fun.
' Why are you young fellas hanging around with me? 'Hasn't worked though, Colin.
' This bar is full of top-class birds.
You still say "birds"? Dada! I prefer to say women.
It's more respectful.
Or punani.
When I was your age, I was having a crack, giving it all that.
When you get to my age, the only things you regret are the things you never did.
No, I'm not.
Well, you should.
So, what's the classiest punani you've ever pulled? Well, that would have to be Noreen.
Well done! Nice one, mate(!) Oh, Noreen, what happened to us? I tell you what I saw the other day, it was clips of people on level crossings being missed by trains.
Very funny.
Hilarious.
Yeah, I feel like I've been hit by a train.
People getting missed by trains - it's different.
Marriage is a lot like a train.
But there was no advance warning when my train hit trouble.
Somebody just dropped a breeze block off a bridge and killed the driver! Sorry It's all right.
It's OK.
MOBILE RINGS Oh, this is really important.
.
.
Hello? My parents have gone to a party and they're staying.
Can you come over? Yes, I can, yeah.
That's no problem.
Cool! Bye! All right.
'This will require the utmost tact and diplomacy.
' It's all right, Frank.
Look Pete's coming back.
Lads, I've got to shoot off.
What?! Chloe's got an emergency.
I've got to go.
A fanny-related emergency? Yeah! You'll be all right, won't you, Dad? I don't know.
I hope so.
Well, you're in good hands.
I'll see you later.
You've got to be kidding! No.
Come on, Frank, let it all out.
Just don't touch me! BELL RINGS I'm going to fuck your Hello, Jen.
I didn't know you were here.
Peter.
No.
MOBILE BEEPS Oh, there it is! 'So, while we ride out this awkward pause, 'let's have a look at Chloe's parents.
'Well, there's Jen, who once dated Robert Peston, BBC Business Editor.
'Mike, a consultant surgeon, who'd prefer his daughter 'to be dating someone who can swim further than ten metres.
'Oh, but I think he's about to say something ' You didn't stay at the party? Our host was the director of a rather large fish canning company.
I think you can see our dilemma.
Who wants to eat tinned fish at a party? No, he is complicit in the unsustainable over-fishing of the world's fish stocks.
And that's why you left? Yes.
I'd have done that, too.
Aww! So, Chloe said you're back together.
That's very, um Yeah! It is, isn't it? So how did you two hook up again? Um, well, we bumped into each other at an Eva Cassidy tribute concert.
"Bumped into" isn't totally accurate.
He kept an eye on her through Facebook, saw she was going to a concert and engineered bumping into her.
On the downside, he had to buy three Eva Cassidy albums.
Are you sure this is all right? Yeah, it's fine.
My parents are really cool.
All right then.
(MIKE) Ahem! Maybe we should just get some sleep.
Yeah, yeah Night.
Night.
'Look at the thickness of that wall 'You don't want to be have sex with a lass, 'when you're five inches from her dad's head.
'No, you do not! Well, observed, Terry.
'Well, here we are an hour later.
Pete struggled to get to sleep, 'then remembered the game highlights would be on the computer.
'Yeah, England already five-nil up against the depleted Bulgarians.
' Yes! Get stuck in! Pete, stop it.
Not much longer.
Aw, Chloe, look at that.
Eat it! In it goes! Stop it, Pete! Oh, you dirty bastard! I've had enough! Go on.
And another one.
And another one.
Yes! Back of the net! KNOCK AT DOOR Morning! Morning.
What would you like for breakfast? Anything at all.
I'm easy.
Choc Boulders? I don't think so.
But we did have our five-year-old niece staying.
Sleep well, Mike? We didn't do anything.
Do not treat me like a fool.
"Eat it.
In it goes.
Back of the net"?! I was watching the football.
I had earphones on.
Even you can do better than that.
No, no, that, that It's true! Look, it's there.
Look, we won 7-0.
Oh, that would actually make sense.
Ha ha! Sorry.
I'm afraid all I've got is organic oatmeal.
I'll do my best with it! Don't worry, Mike, we all make mistakes.
That's so funny.
Your dad thought I was forcing you to have rough sex, which I would never do.
When we were going out before we had straight vanilla sex.
Which was lovely.
Right, shall we just have breakfast? Oh, this looks Mm, lovely.
That's really nice.
Sorry about that.
Probably made it a little bit more awkward than I needed to.
Don't worry, it was Mike's fault.
Yeah.
But maybe you could make a bit more of an effort with him.
Mm, no, absolutely.
Yeah, I will.
Or I could just try and avoid him as much as possible.
He's got a shelving unit that he needs a hand putting up.
Maybe you could help him? Oh, thanks, Pete.
I'll tell him you're up for it.
You know, if he really got to know you I'm sure he'd love you as much as I do.
'Well, she's tossed it in there, the L-word! "Lesbian"? ' "Love"! That's the first time a girl has ever said she loves him.
' If we look at his previous bests, Pete took it as a compliment, but it made them break up.
As Pete heads home, he's in the mood for a celebration.
'He's going to lie on his bed with his computer and Tour Of Duty 3.
'I wondered what you were going to say there for a moment, Col!' Urgh! Dad! Peter.
'Well, it's a shame Pete didn't get much kip last night because after that, he's got a few sleepless nights to come.
We're back after these.
Welcome back.
And Pete's trying to come to terms with what he's just seen.
It's the most shocking thing he's witnessed since a trip to the zoo where he saw a lady milking a bat! I'm sorry about that, Peter.
It was just a one-off.
It was a mistake.
Ugh! So you did sleep with her? Yes, what you think happened? I thought there'd be some other explanation.
Don't tell your mother.
Yeah, I want to have that chat(!) Oh, thanks very much.
Why d'you do it?! I don't know.
Probably just trying to get back at your mum.
What has she done? You know that bloke from Currys she met at line dancing? Oh, my God.
Has has she I don't really want to talk about it.
I'm not ready.
Oh, no.
No.
Hello, you must be Frank's son? Yeah, this is Peter.
Peter, this is Kiki.
Well, thank you for last night, Frank.
Um By the way, do you have that £100? Pete's run errands for his dad before, He's got the paper, posted letters, gone for chips, 'Yeah, can't use the cash machine in that boycotted shop.
' Oh, good.
Kiki's got a 10.
30 to get to.
I've got your cash.
Thanks.
Well, my cab's here.
People to see, things to do.
No rest for the wicked, eh? Yeah.
I'll see you out! Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
PHONE RINGS 'Well, here we are at the scene of the crime.
' 'And it takes something like this to get Pete to change his sheets!' 'Yes, it's been a good six months and then he only reversed them! 'That phone - I'd say it's Kiki's.
'Yeah, got to be.
' Hello? No, she's not, and get a girlfriend you pervert! So, Pete round at Chloe's house and it looks like he's helping to put up a cupboard, Terry! Yeah and Mike, a very precise man, a surgeon, likes things just so.
Last bit of DIY, he couldn't even be bothered to get another brick to make that level.
But so far, they seem to be getting on.
Yeah.
Pass the Phillips screwdriver, please.
Someone called Kiki.
'Oh, this could be trouble.
' She didn't say anything about what she did or? No.
That's good.
Why, what does she do? 'Talked himself into that one!' ALARM SOUNDS She's not a whore! What? Just slept with my dad.
I thought your parents were still married? Yeah, well it happens.
Indeed it does.
Ah! So have you had a bit of a break in the past, then? What do you mean? Just how you were speaking.
No, since we were married there's never been anyone else.
OK.
Still, you can only really speak for yourself, can't you? Pardon? Well, you never know, given how good-looking Jen is.
What! You're all right but she's good-looking! Can we get on, please? It was surprising happening to Dad, but she'd have had loads of chances! Yeah! Ah, now you've made me forget the Ah! Ah! Aha! Ah! Argh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Pete, calm down.
Aha! Come here.
I need you to focus.
I've just dislocated my knee Aah! And I need you to pop it back in.
It's easy, just do what I say.
Can't Jen just do it? No, it requires strength.
Ah! You need to gently rotate the lower leg back 90 degrees.
Which direction? So it's in line with the rest of the leg! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aah! Ah! Now I need you to grip the ankle and pull it slowly but forcefully towards you away from me! You don't just want to wait for an ambulance? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't jerk it! Sorry, I'm sorry! Is everything all right in here? Mike! Ah! Oh, my fucking leg! (SCREAMS) 'Looks like Mike's going into shock there!' I'll go and get a bowl.
Ah! Oh, sorry, Mike! Ah! Life goes on and Pete's trying to get rid of that prostitute's phone! He's dialled the home number he's found on it.
Looks like he's got the answer machine.
Hello, it's Pete here, the son of your most recent trick.
I don't know.
'Good point!' What's the difference between a high-class prostitute and a normal one, Terry? Well, usually about 50 quid and an STD.
Ah.
DOORBELL RINGS Hi, Pete! Hi! How is he? He managed to get his knee in his socket eventually! They say he'll be almost completely better in four to six months! Aw, that (is good.
) I'm so sorry.
Oh! So you Hasn't put you off me? Course not! Could've happened to anyone.
Oh, good, cos I I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again.
Oh, Pete! No, I don't.
Aww.
I have to say though, if we don't have sex soon, my balls are going to explode! (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hello, Jen! Peter.
How are you? Fine.
Good, good! Do I look all right? Mum doesn't care how you look.
Oh, here she is.
You're looking well, Noreen.
Frank.
Shall we shall we get started? I think we all agree that we need to get him back where he belongs, which is your house.
Now, he promises not to bear any grudges, don't you? Cos, Mum, you know people have affairs.
I am not having an affair! What's got into you? She's not having an affair! Neither of us would ever do that! You said Mum was deceitful and you couldn't trust her.
I did not say that.
It's a direct quote! And what about that bloke who you met at line dancing, who works at Currys? Derek! Huh, I'm certainly not was because I ordered a new fridge through Derek without telling him.
That's what this has all been about, not a suburban Lothario, but a freestanding fridge-freezer! 'I wonder how many cans of cola 'the corner shop man could get in that? 'Might even be able to squeeze some milk in!' I think you owe Mum an apology, don't you? Yes, of course, you're right.
Look, Noreen, I'm really sorry, I went a bit over the top about you buying that fridge.
I was completely in the wrong.
But you've got to understand it was quite a shock.
You can get a good fridge-freezer for £250.
Not with an ice dispenser! What's so hard about filling an ice tray! Oh! All it takes is a bit of planning! All right, Dad.
All right.
Leave it, yeah? The main thing is you're sorry, yes? Yes.
Of course.
'Will she defrost?' She took him back.
Whey!(LAUGHS) So, is it still all right if I come over tonight? Aww, that's brilliant, Chloe.
I am going to fuck you until the bed breaks! Hello, Mum! Just doing some telephone banking.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
Mmm, Pete.
(Oh, no.
) (I haven't got any condoms.
) Oh.
Don't worry! Just have a cuddle! I'll be five minutes.
Just stay there.
Oh, OK.
'Pete rueing, as he's never rued before 'his decision to shun his local corner shop! 'Whoa, but what's this? 'I think he might be going back on his boycott.
' 'Cor, he's about as self-disciplined there as Eamonn Holmes 'with a packet of Jaffa Cakes, man!' 'Terry said that, Eamonn, not me.
' Can I have a packet of condoms, please? Eh, it's our friend with the off milk, eh! Sorry about that.
Can I have some condoms, please? I'm surprised, weren't you withdrawing custom? It was the heat of the moment.
I hadn't had my cup of tea.
You can take your pint of milk and stick it up your arse! What?! No, I Two CCTV cameras and a drunk Irishman! That's some memory for one who drinks at 9am! Ha-ha, aye! Oh, yeah, wallop, crunch.
Can I have my condoms, please? You're reinstating your custom? Yeah, if that's OK.
Yeah.
That's £8.
99, please.
What! Are you joking, mate? Well, you can always try the Lidl! But they might be closed.
All right! Thief.
Ha-ha, keep the change.
(LAUGHS) Good lad.
'Oh, dear.
Now, in anybody's book that's a tremendous shame.
'Well, it's eight hours later 'and Pete's not known for his patience.
' Mmm.
Aw.
Sorry, did I wake you up? No.
I I've got those things, by the way.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah.
Dad, what you doing?! Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry, son.
Hello, Frank.
Hello.
(Nice.
) I'm sorry.
I just came back for the rest of my stuff.
OK, well let's be as quick as we can.
Your mum won't be back for half an hour.
Half an hour! She's popped to the shops.
I gave her my debit card.
Oh, hello, Frank.
Ah, hello, Chloe.
Sorry about the Oh.
I'd make you a cup of tea but I'm afraid the milk's off.
Not again! Why don't I get some? Oh, thank you! Thanks, Chloe! Thank you! 'In the words of Stevie Wonder, "Isn't she lovely?"' So, is everything all right with Mum? Oh, yes, very much so.
Last night, for the first time in God knows how long, your Mum and I Ah! I don't want to know about that, thank you very much.
Managed to talk.
Oh.
DOORBELL RINGS That might be her now! I'll get your stuff.
Sorry to hear Frank's going.
Yeah! It's a real hammer blow, actually.
So, is he here? In there.
Mmm? What do you mean? Leaving a message calling me a high-class prostitute.
You are a high-class prostitute.
What! Why'd you think Kiki's a prostitute? Her name's Kiki, she slept with you! And you gave her 100 quid! That was a loan.
She'd lost her purse.
Thank you for that, Frank.
Oh.
Oh.
Kiki, I expect you've got lots of things to be getting on with? My dad heard that message, aside from whatever the hell you told my boss when he phoned! 'Yep, called him a pervert.
' I'm sorry.
And you're good-looking enough to be a high-class prostitute! Pardon! DOORBELL RINGS Maybe not high-class but able to make a living.
No, definitely a high-class prostitute.
Who's a high-class prostitute? Hello, Mum! Your mum! Yeah, my wife.
Darling.
Yes, I'm a prostitute and I've been here to visit one of my favourite clients.
'Oh, my goodness me!' Pete.
Isn't that right? Yeah, it is right, yeah, yeah.
We've got a regular understanding.
Oh, my God! 'He's taken one for the team!' How much did we say? Oh, yeah.
Eh 12 12 quid? Perfect.
OK, yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, hi! Who's that? She was a whore, Chloe.
A whore.
And she's been with Peter.
What?! She's not a prostitute, she's a businesswoman! I've got nothing to do with it, all right! Then why was she here and why did she say she was a prostitute? And why did you just pay her £12? 'All good questions.
' Come on, Pete! You're right, she is a prostitute and I have been sleeping with her.
What is the matter with you?! Chloe! You whore-monger! Chloe! Chloe, wait, listen to me.
What? It wasn't me, it was Dad who slept with her.
She's not even a prostitute.
Oh, come on, Pete.
You have to believe me.
Here he is.
Tell her.
Tell her the truth - you slept with her.
'Will Frank repay the favour?' I'm sorry, Peter, I don't know what you're talking about.
'Oh, no, he won't!' Goodbye, Pete.
No, Chloe! 'Oh, it's all over! 'the final indignity, that milk that Chloe got is once again off.
' 'Manfred didn't waste time getting his Hucknall poster back up.
' Can't speak for you, Terry, but I think Mick Hucknall's losing his looks.
Well, that's it from us.
Join us again next time when Pete takes on life!