Pete Versus Life (2010) s02e06 Episode Script

Welcome.
We're straight to the action and Pete was down the pub with Rob last night, as Rob's girlfriend Anna was away.
While the cat was away, the mice did get absolutely bladdered.
Rob, what's the matter mate? I slept with her, Pete.
I slept with Erica from last night.
I can't believe I've done this to Anna.
I know.
Come in.
'They got lucky with two girls - Erica and Tilly.
'Although Rob got luckier than Pete.
' I bumped into her again at the Tube.
The next thing, we're back at the flat, having frenzied sex on the floor.
Frenzied sex.
Yeah, she dented Anna's chrome bin.
Oh, Anna's not gonna like that.
Well, I think she'll be more worried about the frenzied sex.
Probably.
What is Manfred doing? He's sorting out fruit.
He gets it after the markets have finished.
They leave it lying around on the ground.
It's like a Garden of Eden.
Mind you, you have to get in there before the rats.
Look Rob, chill out, mate.
These things happen, yeah? I'm gonna have to tell Anna.
What? Yeah, I've got to.
I can't go through life with this hanging over me.
Look at that.
Ooh, did Erica do that? It's not a love bite.
It's a stress rash.
Argh.
But look why have you gotta tell her? There are other options.
Like what? You should chuck her and see how things go with this new one.
You're supposed to be my friend.
No, he's not very good at male friendship.
He struggles to empathise.
Earlier he made some very hurtful remarks about my plums.
'Ooh, looks like Pete's given that slightly strange girl 'he met last night a call.
' Well, he is in a bit of a dry spell.
Yeah, he's a young man with needs, and there's nothing sexist about that, because women have needs, too, don't they, Terry? I've never given it much thought, Colin.
Well, according to that course they made us go on, they do.
No.
I thought it was completely fascinating actually.
I could have done without that bloke saying it was all rubbish.
I know.
I mean, imagine standing up in a room full of UFO-ologists and saying it's all donkey cock.
The proof's incontrovertible.
Does he think that people are just faking photos of aliens, just to put on the internet for a laugh or a joke? I mean, get real.
Exactly.
People like that are basically just insecure.
I agree.
I'd better get back to the hotel for the rest of my shift.
OK.
All right.
'Ha-ha! No close encounters for Pete.
'Ha-ha.
Good one.
' Oh, bloody hell.
'Oh, silver man.
I hope that paint's not carcinogenic.
' Oh, Terry, it's Pete and Rob's old mate from college.
Oh, but Pete once failed to return Sam's green felt tip pen.
Sam was a geographer and needed it to colour in his maps.
And I believe that incident led to a physical fight.
Oh, hello, Peter.
I knew it was you.
How are you? Yeah.
Not too bad.
How's the acting going? Yeah, lines in the fire, you know.
Last I heard, you were up for a film with Johnny Depp? Didn't really work out in the end.
No, I can see that, mate.
How do you mean? Well, you'd hardly be painting yourself and using a Hoover as a back pack, if you were in a film with Johnny Depp? At least I'm not living off fruit I find on the ground.
Who told you that? Rob.
It was one apple and I gave it a rinse.
OK? Anyway, whoo-oo doo-oo-oo.
Three years at drama school.
You wanna shut up there, Pete.
Hey.
Woo-woo-woo.
Must obey prime objectives.
Circuits broken.
'Ooph.
They're off.
' All right.
What's all that about? How about that? Do you know how long that took me to make? I dunno.
A minute? I'd probably start running, if I were you.
Oh, quick, Terminator's after me.
Ha-ha.
I'll be watching you, Peter.
I'll be watching you! What, with your bionic eyes? So we join Pete at his job, working for Little Footie Stars, coaching one our under-13 classes.
Would you ever consider youth coaching? I'd love to, but the money would have to be right.
OK, so this is how you take a penalty.
What you laughing at? Why you laughing? Stop it.
Sshh.
Stop it.
Is this football or rugby? Look, I might have missed.
But that was technically perfect.
And don't laugh.
This is a serious game.
Hello, Tilly, I'm just doing my coaching.
Oh, cool.
All right, Zak.
Your turn.
You're up.
Told you I had a girlfriend.
Anyway, remember three things.
Run up, in step, body shape.
That's not the way I play.
I play on instinct.
Well, don't.
Actually, I'll go in goal.
Out you come, Sarah.
It's Sophie.
Yeah, out you come, babe.
Come on.
Out you come.
OK.
So, do it like I told you, yeah? OK, get back there.
Get back there.
What was that? What was that? What? Technically, that was all over the place? I scored.
We're here to learn the basics.
Still 1-0 to me though, sir.
Football isn't about scoring goals.
'Straight out of the old Arsenal coaching book.
' And don't call me sir.
Call me Pete.
This is supposed to be an informal environment, for you to use your skills and have a few laughs.
'Oh, and there's Jake.
' OK, that's enough.
That's it.
Gather round.
Come on.
In you come.
All right, put your hands on.
Put your hands on.
Who makes it happen? We do.
OK, do it properly.
Or else we'll be here for another 15 minutes, all right? OK? Who makes it happen? We do! Better, better.
Well done.
OK.
See you next week, guys.
Oh, that looked like good fun.
Yeah, it is.
They're such great kids and I get a real buzz out of them, A real buzz out of children.
Hey, hey, hey Jake.
What are you doing here, mate? I just came to watch my nephew.
Who's your, oh, Zak, yeah? Yeah.
He's a great kid.
Yeah.
I'm glad it's you.
He says the bloke who normally does it is dreadful.
I do it every week, mate.
Sure.
Well, he, he probably means one of his other courses.
'Oh, look, it's Pete's ex-girlfriend Chloe.
' Of all the girls Pete's been out with, she's been the most important.
And if Pete's head was a planet, we can see that she's made the biggest emotional impact on his world, and by comparison there's Tilly, yet to make an impact at all.
Just sort of hovering in the vicinity of Pete's ear.
Chloe, Chloe, what, why, what are you doing here? We're actually going out.
Fucking what? Yeah.
When did this start? It's a bit much, innit? I'm sorry, Pete.
We didn't mean for you to find out like this.
Oh, well bloody hell.
I'm Tilly.
Sorry, yeah, this is Tilly.
Pete's girlfriend.
Really pleased to meet you.
We were gonna go for a coffee actually if you guys wanted to come along.
Oh, no unfortunately We'd love to.
Which is your favourite, the North or the South Pole? Well, they're both good, but I think it would be the South Pole.
It's just that little bit colder, you know? So, what do you do? I'm a student, but I'm working in a hotel to pay my way.
Oh, what are you studying? Astrobiology.
The study of UFOs and aliens.
It was that or media studies, but I thought, I'd have a better chance of getting a job.
Sounds interesting.
Yeah.
I'm really into it.
I'm doing my thesis at the moment on the Mary Celeste.
What's that? Oh, they don't wanna know about that.
I'd love to hear about it.
Some things are just best left a mystery.
No, but I've solved the mystery.
My tutor thinks I'm really onto something.
Who's your tutor? David Icke? No, it's Mike.
Well, Professor Mike.
They were all abducted by aliens, who used their DNA to create a new species of cyborgs that live amongst us and occupy the highest positions of power.
Angela Merkel's one.
And Dappy from NDubz.
OK, who fancies another coffee? Excuse me.
Well, I have to say, Tilly, your theory sounds a bit far fetched.
Well, not many of us have seen Everest, but we don't think it's not there.
Well, I've climbed Everest, so I know it's there.
Look, earlier we went to talk on UFOs and this guy was so convincing.
I mean, you were saying this weren't you, Pete? Yeah, I mean, yeah.
It was interesting, but Oh, I didn't know you believed in UFOs, Pete.
I think it's good to keep an open mind, Oh, don't tell me you don't believe in aliens? The proof is here.
Well, I've gotta go.
Got a conference call on the Vatnajokull Glacier.
It's getting wider, but not longer.
No-one knows why.
Maybe it's got something stuck in it.
Catch you later, guys.
Back in a sec.
Girlfriend seems nice.
Oh, no, she's not my girlfriend.
We haven't even slept together yet.
Pete, you don't need to tell me that.
Sorry about all that alien stuff.
I don't believe any of that.
I was just going along with it.
Well, I don't think it's that outlandish.
I mean it's very arrogant of us to think we're the only form of life in the universe.
Hmm, exactly.
But you just said that you didn't believe any of that stuff.
Oh, no, I'm not making myself clear.
There's just no proof yet, is there? Obviously, there are other life forms.
It would be arrogant of us not to believe that.
That is exactly what I think.
I mean I'm not as into it as Tilly.
Neither am I, but It could just be on a bacterial level.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
We're so similar, aren't we? Yeah.
I guess we always were.
Do you remember that time we went to Bournemouth in January? Yeah.
There's something nice about a seaside town out of season, isn't there? Yeah.
There really is.
'Well, is she leaving the door ajar for Pete?' Oh, when Jake and I went, everything was open.
It was fantastic.
We had the best time ever.
'No, she's not.
' You all right? You're very quiet.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, shall we go this way? It's quicker.
No, the thing is, there's this robot that's after me.
So Wow, yeah of course, a robot.
Bloody hell.
Yeah.
Shall we? 'Well, Tilly certainly seems to have a lively imagination.
' Yeah, like my second wife.
She was convinced I was having an affair.
But you were having an affair.
Aye, but there's no way she could have possibly known about it.
I'd been meticulous, man.
'Well, this is Pete's regular five-a-side footy game with the lads.
'He can't play as he pulled a hamstring booting footballs into orbit against children.
' I'm really gutted that I can't play.
What will we do? Don't worry.
Zak came to watch.
He can play.
I don't know about that.
But you're injured.
You don't wanna play with a 12-year-old do you? Rob? Rob.
'Oh, and look at Rob's rash.
'I bet that hurts when he shaves.
' Do you wanna play with a 12-year-old, mate? I dunno.
All right, he can play.
Feel free to tuck into the half-time oranges.
Let's get you a kit.
'Imagine what Carlos Tevez would say 'if he was offered those at half-time.
' Tackle him, tackle him! Rob and I are having a get-together, to celebrate that we've been going out for five years.
I would love it if you came.
Has it only been five years? Blimey.
I'd love to come.
Slide, turn, turn.
Rob! He's such a wonderful guy.
Ooh, friends of UFO.
Better take it.
OK, babe.
So what happened at my house the other night? Hmm? In my kitchen.
Nothing happened in your kitchen Anna.
Kitchen! Oh, really? So there's nothing you want to tell me? No.
About my bin? And how it got dented? Yeah, I know you were there with Rob that night.
When, what night? Was I, what night? I don't know if I was there.
You might as well say.
I'll get it out of Rob.
You know I will.
All right, it was me.
I kicked it.
What? It was an accident.
I was River Dancing.
Oh, that's the end of the game.
I'd better, cos the, but there's nothing.
OK, well done, well done.
Well, played Zak.
He is brilliant.
He'll be taking your place permanently.
Yeah, but you've gotta be over 18 to play in this league.
So I was only kidding, Pete.
Yeah I know.
But technically, he shouldn't have been playing today.
I mean I'm not gonna tell anyone, but let's not let it happen again, yeah? OK, good.
Well, done boys.
What was Anna asking? Was it about the other night? She wanted to know who dented her bin.
Oh, Christ.
She's onto me.
I can't stand this.
My own body's attacking me.
I'm turning into The Fly, Pete.
The Fly.
Get a grip.
I told her I did it River Dancing.
I'm gonna have to tell her about Erica.
Bollocks to that.
She'll fucking kill you if she finds out.
'Not Mariella Fostrup in the advice stakes.
' Just don't worry.
Chill out.
'More like Ray Winstone in Scum.
' They found an orange Nissan Micra inside the Great Pyramid of Cheops.
Have they? I've gotta get back to the lab.
I mean the hut in Mike's garden.
Oh, but I thought we would have a little, little thing.
Would you put sex ahead of proving extra-terrestrial life exists? No.
Exactly! I must say I'm surprised Pete's going along with the UFO stuff to this extent.
Ah, we all make compromises when we're on the pull.
When I went out with Missy Elliot, I gave her the impression I like rap music.
But really you're more of a country and western man.
Anything with a story, really, Colin.
We're back after these.
Welcome back, and it's the last footie star session of the current term.
Pete being assessed.
He might well need a job next season, so it's a big game for him.
And here is how the teams line up.
Yeah, both sides going for the same formation a big scrum that just follows the ball around.
Touch and move! Touch and move! You're bang out of position, Jenny! It's Sophie.
Sorry.
Yes! 'I don't know who he's trying to impress with that 'the assessors or Chloe.
' 'But generally, he's being given a right roasting by Zak.
' Come on, Zak.
What is going on? 'Yes, and he doesn't like it one little bit.
' All of you were bang out of position.
That was unbelievable.
It's unbelievable! 'Here he comes.
It's like Zak's deliberately trying to expose Pete 'as the journeyman footballer he is.
' Which way is he going to go? Ah! Ow! 'Oh, dear! There's no place for that in the game at any level.
' Get up.
'Oh, and that's not play-acting.
' What are you doing? I've got the ball.
He's 12 years old! I can't move my legs! Oh, shit.
You're twice his size.
It was an accident, and I got the ball.
I got the ball! 'Oh, and I'd say that's a sacking.
'Well, that's harsh.
'In my day, that wouldn't have even been a yellow card.
' How about this? Yeah, well, it still works.
Put it in.
'Pete getting together a haul of gizmos and games 'to give to poor little Zak in his hospital bed.
'Aye.
He's even putting in his old laptop.
I hope he's wiped it.
' It's a bit like being Santy Claus.
Yeah, it is a little bit, isn't it? Only, Santy Claus is kind to all children, not just the ones whose legs he's broken! Hello, mate.
Ah, you've come to break an arm now, have you? I'm really, really sorry, yeah? But technically, your left leg's just a snapped Achilles.
So it's not actually broken.
But I'm really sorry.
I know why you did it.
You're jealous cos I'm better than you, even though you're an adult and I'm a kid.
You're not better than me.
You've got potential, but I did win the ball, didn't I? You're shit at football and you're shit at life.
You're a bit young to know about life.
And watch your language, yeah? Anyway, do you want me to sign your cast casts? You're a loser.
That's why Chloe's with Uncle Jake now.
'Oh, from the mouths of babes and innocents' OK, I brought you some stuff.
Got you some fruit.
And I brought you a load of games and stuff in case you get bored.
Have a look at that.
Is this a joke? What do you mean? A Game Boy! What am I going to do with that? I used to love that.
I don't want a load of crap from the 1990s.
There's some good stuff in there.
I've got a one-terabyte laptop.
What would I want this bollocks for? Now, get out.
And take your bag of shit with you.
OK, I'll just sign your cast first.
Here you go.
Have some of that.
Did you notice how slidey the floors were? It's really fun.
Slide about, do a little dance.
You'd really enjoy it.
If you're legs worked, you little fuck.
Pete! I Can you ask him to leave, please, Jake? He's been really upsetting me.
I think you'd better leave, Pete.
No, no, you don't understand And he drew a cock on my plaster.
Now.
Bye, Chloe.
See you later.
Bye, Pete.
'Pete waiting outside Tilly's hotel for her shift to finish.
'Tilly's unique amongst her hotel co-workers 'in that she's never nicked anything.
'Ah, well done, Tilly.
Oh, but here comes Sam.
' Oi.
All right? I got kicked off that pitch thanks to you.
Somebody complained about you jumping on my control pack.
You mean your cardboard box? Control pack.
The point is, the council don't want that rowdy element amongst street entertainers.
To be a street entertainer, don't you have to be entertaining? What's not entertaining about a robot? Dunno.
Maybe everything, cos it's shit.
What's going on? This is my robot friend I was telling you about.
Wow.
You're so advanced.
What R2-D-twat? No, he's not.
Don't do that! Hey, don't worry about it.
It's the hotel manager.
I've got to see what he wants.
Cut it out.
Don't worry.
All right.
What was that for, Robo-shit? Not so nice when it happens to you, is it? Yours was a crisp box.
Control pack! All right.
You dickhead.
Yeah.
Go on.
Get out of it.
Wanker.
Oh, where's the robot gone? I don't know.
He whatever.
Oh, my God.
Pete, what have you done? What? We had a little scuffle.
Chill, yeah? You've killed him.
No, I haven't.
You can trust me, Pete.
Oh, if only I'd been here, I could have mediated.
I know about robots.
What? 'We knew she was a bit off-kilter, 'but we can see now she's the full Mel Gibson.
' Now, we've got to get rid of the body.
We'll drive out of town.
We can throw him in a lake I know.
No-one need ever know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good idea.
Or, we could just pop him in that little bin.
And save time.
The night of the fifth anniversary of Anna and Rob's first date.
Which was a trip to the Victoria & Albert Museum to look at the dresses.
Robots are a special interest of mine, because the first time I was abducted by aliens, it was a robot that did most of the probing.
I didn't know you'd been abducted by aliens, on top of everything else.
Yeah.
Mike says I've been abducted at least three times.
All right, Manfred.
Oh, how's it, Pete? Good.
It's nice to be eating food I didn't find on a road.
I thought you liked reclaimed fruit.
I've had the squits all week.
Hey, did you hear about Jake and Chloe? No.
Yeah, they split up.
You're kidding! She was getting fed up with him working all the time.
Tilly, can I have a word? What is it? I think we should break up.
What?! Why? It hasn't felt right for a while and I've made myself an accessory to murder for you.
What? The robot you killed.
Oh, look, that wasn't a robot.
That was just a silver bloke, what's-name, street entertainer.
No, it wasn't! I should have told you earlier, but it's like telling a child there's no Father Christmas.
You do know there's no Father Christmas? Of course I do! Well, I don't know I saw the evidence.
He was on the pavement.
But that was just a smashed Game Boy and an old hoover.
He's standing right there now.
Look.
Sam, can you come here a second? What for? She thinks you're an actual robot.
When I'm in character, I am a robot.
Oh, drop me out.
No, he's not.
He's not.
Look.
Tilly.
I'm really sorry, but it's over.
Fine.
Of course, you know, you're only doing this cos you're basically insecure.
I am in secure.
Don't let me keep you.
Oh, no, I'm staying here.
Why would you want to stay? What, what, what's, what's this? 'So Pete's waiting for his moment with Chloe.
'Tilly doesn't look like she's taken it well.
Might be tricky.
' Chloe.
Can I have a word? Everyone! Everyone! So firstly, I'd just like to thank you all for being here and sharing in the fairytale that is mine and Rob's relationship.
Anna, I just need to go to the toilet.
OK, I won't wait.
Please don't.
'He's been in there ten minutes.
'Another five, and Anna should have stopped talking.
' Pete, open up! Let me in.
No.
Go next door.
No, it's out of order! Come on! It's coming.
Pete! All right-uh! All right, man.
Ah, thanks, Bru.
Ah, fruit, eh? You'll always end up paying one way or another.
Manfred, I'm still here.
We're like Carrie and Samantha in Sex And The City having a girly chat.
Ah, oh, God.
Ah, that'll be the kiwi fruit.
Ah, I should have chucked those out, eh.
Uh ugh.
Thanks, Pete.
Oh, my goodness.
That one's barely been digested at all.
Did I just hear that right? Are you actually telling me this? 'Oh, no, and it looks like Anna's found out about Rob's shenanigans.
'Ah, I knew he'd crack eventually.
' Never in my worst nightmares did I think I'd hear this.
I am so sorry, Anna.
Anna.
It was just a fling with a girl that he's never going to see again.
Pete What? You had sex with another woman?! What were you speaking about? Rob was telling Anna it was him that dented the bin.
Was he? You, outside, now.
Sorry, mate, I didn't realise! Who gets that upset about a dented bin? So that's the second relationship you've broken up tonight.
Yeah, what was the first one? Us.
Sorry, I'm going to make a move.
Pete, wait.
Yes, darling, yeah? Just you said you wanted to have a word earlier.
Yeah.
Yeah Chloe Yeah? Now that we're both free, do you think there's any chance that maybe you and I could Are you kidding me? What? I'm right here.
I know.
Aha.
Chloe.
As I was saying, do you think there's any chance that maybe you and I Chloe! Uh-oh.
I'm so sorry.
I've been an idiot.
I've quit my job.
No more trips to the Arctic or Egham.
We're having a conversation here! Chloe What you doing? Will you marry me? What?! Come on.
Let's just do it.
Ah all right.
Well, you're not the only ones in love.
Tilly! Tilly, will you marry me? What? Yeah, I think I'm ready, babe.
You're insane.
Yeah, you can talk.
Have a think about it.
Champagne all round.
Double celebration.
Anyone for a little champagne? 'Ah, well, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
'A terrifying thought, perhaps, for any fish watching,' but as a heartbroken Pete cries into the dregs of a warm red wine, just time to say join us again soon for Pete Vs Life.
Good night.