Phoenix Rising (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Phoenix Rising: Stand Up

1 So I just woke up to an email that, um, somebody that had worked on a lot of Manson's tours, um, outed him.
And I'm so I'm just processing it because I think it's the first time that somebody from the camp that was there, that's not one of the girls, has actually come forward and said something, and, and told people that we weren't lying.
Look what I got.
"Dan Cleary totally outs MM and stands up for you.
It's incredible.
I took screenshots in case it disappears".
- Cool.
Oh, nice.
Oh, nice.
- Yeah.
Dan stood on my side of the stage while we were on tour, ya know? We were on stage together all of the time, and I remember that he had a tattoo of Red Sox.
- That's all I could remember, um - Like Boston? - Yeah, he's obsessed with the Boston Red Sox.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
But look at this.
He says, "I worked directly with Marilyn Manson in 2007 and 2008 for his touring band when Evan Rachel Wood was with him.
She was on tour with us the entire time".
"Over the course of one year, he turned her into a different person.
"He broke her.
I didn't totally realize until later in life.
But as I see so many people defending him and calling his accusers liars, I've just had enough.
Believe them, I saw it.
He's a brilliant musician, an incredibly smart and funny man, but he's also mentally and physically abusive, and a drug addict.
I'm not asking for him to be canceled.
Fuck all that cancel stuff.
My sole focus is for people to not call these women liars.
They're not".
- God bless you, Dan.
- Yeah, I'm That's huge.
Just I mean for somebody in the inner circle to say something is, is huge.
That took so much bravery because he's putting himself and his career at risk by doing this.
I wanna meet him.
I wanna hug him.
I wanna hug him, too.
My God! Hey I'm already gonna start crying.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Very welcome.
It's so weird, yeah.
- It's so weird to see you again.
- It's good to be here.
- I wish it was under better circumstances.
- It is, actually.
- It is! You're right.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- It is under good circumstances.
It is under better circumstances, yeah.
- Doin' good stuff.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- I'm not alone.
- No.
- You're not alone.
- I know.
It's crazy.
You feel so alone, and then there's so many.
And it's, like, yeah.
We are more powerful than that fucker.
All of these people have been hiding and silenced by Brian.
They've been threatened, left town.
I didn't think we'd ever get to come together like this.
Um, he said that we were the same.
"You're my twin.
You're my soulmate".
Soulmate, apparently, is a thing he really loves to throw around.
Um, then, like, "I need you around to inspire me".
And, like, in the beginning, he it wasn't directed at me, but I saw how he treated people around him.
But I'm 18, and I'm goin', "Well, he's just, like, a really eccentric artist, and he's just a complicated person, and, like " You know? And they would send me in to go calm him down.
I used to be the only person that could calm him.
And everyone was like, "Oh, thank God you're here, Evan.
Like, he just loves you".
Our relationship went public early 2007 when "Us Weekly" ran a big article about Evan Rachel Wood's love scandal.
And in that article talked all about this crazy love triangle between me and Dita and Brian.
And then, in a tiny, little blurb in the corner they mention Brian's terrible temper, and the fact that he would throw things and break things, but that's not what the article was about.
A few months later, the press were ripping me apart because the "Heart-Shaped Glasses" music video had come out and everyone is horrified by what they see.
I'm mortified.
That's when I felt like I went from an A-list actress to trashy.
People started calling me a whore and a homewrecker.
This is when I was about 19 and he was 37.
And that wasn't just the media, either.
Her publicist, on the phone with me, and the first thing she says is, "What the hell?!" I would get phone calls from my agents, from friends, from my parents.
And they were getting their news from Perez Hilton, and then the phone stopped ringing.
And I'm thinking that my boyfriend is gonna come to my defense and he's not.
He didn't care about my reputation.
And if anything, I think it delighted him to see my reputation getting destroyed because that meant I was gonna be more dependent on him.
This is when he started isolating me from my friends and family.
And when the monitoring started.
Manson had, uh, hacked into my emails.
He was watching me, and he had people watching me.
Again, under the guise of, "This is for your own good".
And when I was his assistant, anyone who hopped on his WiFi, he had your information and was able to, I think, clone phones or laptops or something.
Well, I've seen him, uh, you know, - hack into people's laptops, and - Yeah.
gather information on them as blackmail.
He's hacked into my, you know, computer and social media accounts.
He was monitoring my every move.
You know, I couldn't I couldn't reach out to anybody to say, "I need help", you know, 'cause if he caught me doing that, then it would be two days.
You know, it'd be up for two days, getting yelled at, pleading my case, trying to talk him off the ledge, you know, like he just knew how to, like, break you down.
This is when Twiggy got back into the band.
Twiggy Ramirez, or Jeordie White, has known Brian for decades.
They really formed the band Marilyn Manson together.
And when Twiggy got back in the band, Manson completely changed.
Like, overnight.
It was almost like he wanted to go back, to when he first formed the band and it was all about total debauchery torturing girls doing massive amounts of drugs and pain rituals.
And that's when I did "The Wrestler".
I really need to talk to you.
- I gotta go to school.
- You're goin' to school? So, I left to go do "The Wrestler" for two weeks.
Why do I do this to you? Why do I always Why do I always do this to you? You do it to me because you're a fuck up! And I was so proud of what I had done.
Couldn't wait to get home to tell my boyfriend, who I had been supporting on the road for eight months leading up to this.
He was asleep.
I go into the bedroom.
I'm like, "Baby, baby, baby! Wake up, wake up!" And when he woke up it was like the new Manson had showed up and it was this person that I had never met.
They were dark, they were pissed off and they hated me.
Suddenly, he started tormenting me for fun in front of everybody, and it felt like he was trying to prove something to Twiggy, that he wasn't this lovesick person, that I was just another girl that he could control and torture, so, I was really hurt and confused.
Ya know, when you're in a rock band, you're on the road, like, there's gonna be indiscretions - with band members or crew people.
- Yeah.
That's a code of the road that I'm kinda fine with, but when it comes to physical abuse emotional abuse, and torture, and in a lot of your guys' cases, um It's torture.
This is a extreme case from what I've seen in my career.
Real quick, I, I also feel guilty because he would involve assistants directly.
I'd be in the room with him and Lindsay, and he would make me record the things he would say to her.
- Oh yeah.
- And videotape the things he would say to her, and he would tell her, like, "I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna chop you up, and Dan is gonna bury you in the desert".
"He's gonna do all those He's gonna put you in the trunk, and bury all your parts in the desert".
And he would leave the room.
I would go and put my hand on her back, and be like, "I'm not gonna kill you".
- Jesus Christ.
- What the fuck? - This is so weird.
- It's so dark, yeah.
I remember this one time it actually got physical, and he, like, threw me up against the wall, and had a baseball bat.
He said he was gonna smash my fucking face in 'cause I was trying to get him to pick out pants.
It was, uh, during, like, a rape where it was s-something with, like, a struggle and an elbow, and I flew the 17 hours back to Thailand, or Bangkok, or wherever I was going, with And I went to the doctor when I get there and I had, like, a fracture in my nose.
And then, I'm carved.
- Probably with the same dirty knife.
- Like, I'm carved.
I have "fat" carved on my thigh.
No, I have a brand, too.
I have "MM" on my inner thigh.
Yeah, we were in love.
We were so in love.
We were soulmates.
The mental torment and emotional abuse he put me through began to manifest in my body.
He painted portraits of me, incrementally, over the course of our relationship.
And you can see how the abuse is affecting me.
It made me feel like the abuse was art to him.
That's what I noticed most about my tour with you, is your physical change over the course of a year.
Skinnier, more Like, almost shy, and, and, uh talk within the camp was that you were doing more drugs than he was Do you know many times I tried to get clean, and I begged him.
I said, "I really don't wanna do this anymore, and I don't care if you do it, but please don't do it in front of me.
Don't have it on the tables".
Like I, I am an addict, and I don't know how this happened, and like And, you know, that would last, like, two days, and then, it'd be on my bedside table.
Yeah, I saw pictures of myself, and I'm like, "Wh - Same.
- I know.
I go back and look, and I'm like, - "I don't even know who that person is".
- Same.
- Yeah.
- I feel so like, ashamed and guilt.
I feel so guilty.
There's so much grossness.
The racism, the - Evan There's so much racism.
- Oh my God.
This is one thing that I feel like we all have in common, and one thing I think keeps, keeps a lot of people quiet, which he's very calculated about.
The three main things that I saw him get on people, so they couldn't say anything are naked photos, drugs, and they get you to say the N-word on camera.
It starts off as, "Well, it's ironic".
Like, "Oh, it's a commentary on the Nazis".
Like, "Oh, yeah, yeah.
We're taking the piss out of the Nazis".
Like, "This is anti-Nazi".
- Yeah.
'Cause we love Jews.
- And then, it turns into "I'm just being shocking using the N-word.
You don't get the joke".
And then, it keeps happening.
Then, that evolved into, I'm gonna get mad at you if you don't laugh at that joke.
- And then, it was like - And I hate myself - so much.
- "Oh, I have to laugh at this joke?" And then, it was, "I don't trust you if you don't make the same joke".
And then, I felt like I had to participate in that to show him that I was loyal.
That's what kept me from coming out for a really long time, is just feeling like I was a horrible person, and I was disgusting, and there was something wrong with me, and I was crazy.
I think we all probably have tortured ourselves ad nauseam.
I allowed my appendix to burst right after.
I just wanted it to 'cause I didn't wanna feel.
I really I felt pain in my stomach for days.
I let my appendix burst.
It went gangrenous.
I went septic.
I was like, "Just let me fuckin' die.
Just let me die, so I don't have to feel this shit".
Around the time when Twiggy got back into the band, we moved into Glencoe the house up on the hill.
And Glencoe is where all the torture happened.
I got isolated in the house, for months, and couldn't leave.
He started to yell at me all the time, and he really started breaking me down with military tactics: sleep deprivation freezing cold temperatures, keeping me isolated.
Once you have been kept awake for days, you're so weak, and cognitively impaired, and disoriented, and desperate that you're willing to do anything.
You are more susceptible to abuse and brainwashing.
Once I was in this state, he had me right where he wanted me.
This is also when I suspect he started putting meth into the drugs.
Uh, 'cause I remember there was a moment where things turned, and, um, I remember suddenly thinking that the drugs were a lot stronger than they had been.
My nose is bleeding all the time, and I started getting scabs all over my body.
It's all over my face.
I, I was digging into my skin.
You know, I didn't know what meth was.
I didn't know I was doing meth.
I started getting really sick and I was throwing up every day, and couldn't get out of bed.
And he wasn't doing anything.
He just didn't care.
Um, it's like he just wanted me to be there.
And this is also, um, this is when he started raping me, um, in my sleep.
He would give me a pill to go to sleep, and I never knew what the pills were, so I was always pretty out of it, um.
And, uh, so, I'd wake up, and I just remember doing the mental math quickly, and thinking, "Just stay, just stay asleep.
Don't move".
Like, "Just don't move".
So, I would just lie limp and still till it was over, and then, I swear to God, he would just fling my leg, and walk out of the room.
I just felt like I was nothing.
I was an object.
I started to realize that if I stayed there, I was gonna die and I didn't know how to get out.
Like, you're just living moment by moment.
You're not thinking about the endgame, or how you're gonna get out 'cause you're too busy just trying to survive the moment that you're in.
And your reality just becomes the abuser's reality to survive.
- I went on autopilot.
- You do, yeah.
So, like, if you do it enough times, - you know how he wants you to cry - Yeah.
- and how he wants you to scream, how whatever - Mm-hm.
- Beg, plead.
- Whatever.
And you're imprisoned as well, like, you know? Like, he would leave and go to these parties with these girls and stuff, - and I would be locked in his room.
- He would literally lock her in her in his room.
Like when I read, read the signs of human trafficking, like 70 percent of that applied to myself, even.
And even though I was getting paid or whatnot, I was still, like, being locked in a room, or not allowed to like g I wasn't allowed to go to sleep for three days, many times, and not allowed to go home Every time that I was like, "I'm gonna fuckin' kill myself if I can't leave", like, I have to go out or whatever, "Do you want to know what I did to Evan? Do you want to know? Because it's gonna be worse".
I was over one night and me and Evan were out in the backyard of his house, and he had these stone stairs.
And she was walking down the steps and she slipped, and she cut her head.
He came out with a friend.
He saw what was happening and he just said, "We're gonna go to Home Depot", and he walked out.
And it was like, "Do not pass go, do not collect $200, Danger, Will Robinson".
That's when I, I called my dad, um, even though she had told me not to tell my parents what was goin' on.
Um, and it felt like I was betraying Evan a little bit to do that, but it was because I, I thought it was life and death.
I couldn't get there.
I picked up the phone and called my sister, and I said, "She's ready to leave Manson.
Can you get there?" And my sister took a pistol put it in the back, got in the car, drove over, walked in the house, helped Evan move everything out to the car.
And they left.
My dad said, "Come stay with me".
And I thought, "Great", you know, "My dad can't say anything about my life because he hasn't really been involved in it since I was nine".
My dad was turning over a new leaf at this point.
He'd gotten remarried.
He'd sort of gotten back into some kind of religion, and it was like the first time I felt safe to talk to my dad.
So, I went and I stayed with him, and it was just nice.
The house was warm, there was music playing.
There was always people there, there was always food on the table.
It was just, like, cozy and nice, and it felt safe.
For me, it was like, "Okay, I'm gonna let you do this because you owe me".
And I think my dad felt like, "This is my chance to step up and take care of you in a way that I maybe should've before".
My dad and I have had a lot of talks about certain things since then, and he's expressed remorse, and said that, "I didn't know who I was", and "I feel terrible for what I put my family through", and that he wished he had been there for me more.
All things that are nice to hear when you get older.
It doesn't change what's happened, but it at least, when somebody acknowledges that pain or that side of themselves, you feel a little less crazy.
But I'm glad that we've been able to come together 'cause I think I, I think I separated myself from you and Mom for a while - Yes, yes.
- 'cause I needed to.
And I disappeared.
I went off the map - 'cause I was hurt and angry.
- Yep.
I found my journals from right before I met him.
- Oh wow.
- I was I had no idea how mad I was at you and Mom.
- Oh yeah Yeah.
- My God.
He worked so hard to destroy who I was and my identity, and implant this other one.
You were the one that, that I felt safe with when that was all happening 'cause everybody else was comin' at me and comin' down on me, and they were scared, obviously, but it was very, like, "What's wrong with you?! What're you doing?!" You know, but, you know, and you were just like, "Doors open.
"There's a bed any time you need it.
No questions asked.
I'm here and I love you", and that was all I needed.
It really wasn't until I started to repair that relationship with my father in that way that I started to get the strength to see the abuse in my relationship and to wanna leave.
And I didn't put that together until later.
She went to North Carolina and it was such a relief, and we thought she was out, and everything was good, and my phone started ringing.
And it rang and rang and rang, and then, it would hang up.
And they'd call again, and ring and ring and ring.
And, finally, I was like, "Well, it What if it's an emergency? You better pick up the phone", and I picked up the phone, and it was him.
That was when he said he and he told me he was cutting himself for every single time that she wouldn't answer the phone.
He called me 158 times, and cut himself every time I didn't pick up the phone, and said he was gonna kill himself.
This is when people in my life started saying, "You need to get a restraining order".
And I said, "Absolutely not.
Absolutely not".
That, that The getting a restraining order seemed crazy to me because I was like, "You're only gonna make him more mad".
And I think a lot of women feel like that, and that's why they don't get restraining orders because you will anger the beast.
You know, you had to always show him that you were loyal or that you cared.
Otherwise, he was gonna come after you.
And so, after that, I came back to L.
to diffuse the situation.
And I put Neosporin on every single one of the cuts.
He lured me back in.
That was around the time that he tied me up and tortured me.
Um, was when I was tryin' to leave.
We had broken up, and he was calling me and calling me and calling me, and I, and I just was trying to defuse it.
And so, I went over to the house and he took me up to the bedroom, and I walked in.
The kneeler was in the middle of the room, and I just Like, I just knew.
I just knew what was gonna happen.
After he, um, tied me up and, um, hit me over and over and over again with a whip, uh, which was a Nazi whip from the Holocaust with a swastika on it 'cause I'm Jewish.
Uh, I was tied to a kneeler, um and he hit me over and over again, um, and he said he was gonna hit me in the same place over and over again so that it would really hurt.
Um and then he shocked me with the violet wand on the welts.
Um and, uh he shocked my, um private parts, um and it hurt so bad that I broke the kneeler in half.
I jerked so hard that I just broke the kneeler, um, and collapsed in a, in a, in a, in just, like, a pool of tears in his arms.
And I remember in that moment thinking, "Just tell him whatever he wants to hear.
Just tell him whatever he wants to hear.
Tell him what he Tell him what he wants to hear".
And I said, "I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry".
And I was begging for forgiveness, and he was cradling me and saying, "You understand now?" And then, um, and then, he cut open his hand right here um, and made me drink his blood.
And then, um, he cut me here and drank mine.
And, um, I don't know if anybody else experienced that, but, um, I didn't know that I just didn't know that that was a thing.
I didn't even know what dissociation was, but it's almost like you can feel it happening as it's happening.
I remember so vividly being tied to that kneeler, and it's almost like I could feel myself being just ripped out, and, and I just went numb.
And I remember even when he was hitting me, I, like, was barely reacting, even though it hurt so bad.
You know, I was screamed at, I was kept You know, I'm still me and I'm still here, but there was a piece of me absolutely taken, and I felt it leave my body.
I felt my brain change.
I felt it almost calcify.
And the world is never the same.
It's just never the same because everything that happens to you after that point is through the veil of this memory.
And you know that it's out there, you know? That's in the world.
You know that people are capable of doing something like this.
Your brain just goes, whoosh, into survival mode, and you go, "Okay, how do I how do I get out of this A, alive.
B, with the least amount of damage and, C, making him think that he's won 'cause that's what he wants".
So, I remember thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna have to play along.
I'm gonna have to play along to make you think that this has worked, and that I'm on your side".
So, I went back.
Hey, Evan.
Maybe? And what do you say? What do you say to somebody that you love? She is, obviously, already hurting, and I don't wanna hurt her, and I don't know what to say.
So, what do you do? You don't really say anything, or you say something that makes it worse.
Any time somebody worried that he was controlling me, he spun it to sound like, "See, they don't respect you.
They think you're being controlled.
They're, they're the ones that are controlling you.
They're the ones that don't see you".
So, any time somebody questioned what I was doing, it was just more fuel for him to show that, you know, no one really knew who I was, and And I didn't want to push too hard because around that time, Evan had, had really distanced herself from my mom, she had really distanced herself from my dad.
And I was the only one there that had eyes on her and had a handle on her.
So, if she cuts me off and I can't see her, she's gonna be all alone.
He didn't want her seeing her family.
Even when, when I could talk to her, it was all controlled by him.
I tried to leave multiple times after that, and was always brought back in.
That's when he starts love bombing me with letters.
Well, she tolerates me.
And then, I left to go do "Mildred Pierce".
And that is when I found out that I was pregnant.
How do you know? How c How can you be sure? It's true, it's only been a couple of months but so far, it seems to be the only explanation.
Oh Oh, Veda.
From the beginning of our relationship, he always had an issue with whatever birth control that I was using and I went through, like, every type to see which one he liked, and he didn't like any of them, so essentially, like, he didn't want me using birth control.
He refused to wear a condom ever, and it was very much sex on demand, and it was gonna cause more problems if I said no.
You know, you don't have time to use birth control when somebody's just penetrating you while you're asleep.
Or if they've given you a pill that made you black out.
I was still trying to prevent a pregnancy.
I was trying to use spermicides and all these things, and it didn't work.
He flew out for the abortion.
I was just so scared and sad.
You know, I obviously believe in a woman's right to choose, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't devastating.
The second it was over, it was like, "Make me dinner".
And I remember being like, "I'm supposed to be resting".
Like, "I'm, I'm My body's gone through this trauma".
Like, "I'm blee " Like, "There's, there's aftermath here".
And, um, he didn't care.
And that's when I started getting really suicidal.
I was worried that I was going to try to kill myself, and I, I remember, um, calling my dad because I was on the East Coast and he was on the East Coast, and I just needed somebody to get to me right away 'cause I was really scared.
I was really scared to be alone.
I just knew I d I couldn't be alone.
And so, I called him, and I, again, don't ask my dad for much because it's too heartbreaking when you don't get it.
But I reached out and I said, "You know, I'm really scared.
I'm really scared.
I think I might try to kill myself.
I need you to come here right now".
And he said, um "You know, I'm doing a play right now and, um, I've got this friend in New York.
They're great.
Let me give you their number".
And I was like, "Okay I'm not gonna call your friend, it's a total stranger.
Really need you but okay".
You're supposed to know, I guess, instinctively, that your daughter's going through a rough time, but I never got the message it was life-threatening.
And maybe that was my hard head or my inability to empathize.
I had never felt so close t-to taking my life, so I couldn't imagine anyone and, particularly, Evan, as having been that depleted, and she was.
And, yeah, there's guilt I feel about that to this day is not seeing that.
I was her dad.
I should have, and I should've been there.
The last year or the last few months, at least, it was really dark for her.
I don't know how long it had been since we'd seen her.
I had terrible dreams.
My second marriage broke up.
It was a lot of fallout.
And it was because of him.
What was the moment that you realized that you needed to go to a mental health facility? When my suicide attempt didn't work.
What did you do to try to commit suicide? I, uh I was on anti-depressants.
I had left Manson but he was still calling me a lot.
I ended up getting on somebody else's tour bus and doing a lot of drugs.
And I got to Sacramento and got off of the bus, and it was like It just hit me the second I stepped off of the bus.
It was like this wave and I just s I just said, "I am gonna die tonight.
Like, this is it".
Like, "I just I can't go any further".
And then, I went into the bathroom, and I took the glass, and I shattered it on the, on the floor and, um just started digging at my wrists as hard as I could.
And what was weird is that they kept The, the bleeding kept stopping and I didn't understand it.
And then, it was, like, when I woke up, I felt different.
It was like So, I feel like whoever I was went to sleep and didn't wake up that night, and this new version woke up and had to start rebuilding her life.
I called my mom and I said "I just tried to kill myself", uh "and I need to go to a hospital, like, immediately".
You were the one that I called.
Yeah, and I got in a car and started driving - to Sacramento.
- Yeah.
We started driving towards each other.
I was comin' from Sacramento, you were comin' from Los Angeles, and we met somewhere halfway on the side of the road - At a Mm-hm.
- at a truck stop.
I thought you were going to be hysterical.
I thought you were going to I thought I was gonna have to comfort you.
I thought I was I, I literally thought it was this was gonna be a big, like, "I told you so" moment, and I was nervous.
And then, I remember getting out of the car, and, sorry, it makes me cry because I remember when I saw you, I did I never thought I was ever gonna see you again.
And so, when I saw you, it was, like, it hit me so hard because I mean, I had said goodbye to you the night before in my mind.
You know, I had said goodbye to everybody.
And I just remember this time, like, you just had me, you just had me.
You just held me and I just cried in your arms, and it was, like, that was all I needed.
You know, I just needed I just needed to know that you had me, you know, and, and you did in that moment.
And I remember being I remember just being surprised.
I just remember thinking that didn't go the way I thought it was gonna go.
You know? Come here.
When I decided I needed to go into a, uh, mental health facility, she was calling around town trying to get me into a hospital.
Nowhere had a bed.
Um, finally, we got into a place that was, you know, decent enough and, um, that I'd be safe in.
But I remember when I got there I could, I could sleep because he didn't know where I was, and I knew that no He couldn't come in.
I knew nobody could get to me.
I knew that, like, no one was gonna hurt me.
And then, I remember waking up the next morning and you were right there, the second I opened my eyes.
You were just there, like, petting my head.
And that, and that meant so much to me because I knew that you didn't want me to wake up there by myself.
I called my dad.
When I got checked into the hospital, I gave him the number.
I was a little sad that he didn't come and visit me, honestly.
And that's what, sometimes, makes my relationship with my dad hard, but it is what it is.
I hope you know I'd step in front of a train for you.
Sometimes, I still have mixed feelings, but I think I've gotten to a point where I really love both of my parents for who they are.
And I just know that they both tried, and I think they both genuinely love me, um, and were probably just doing the best that they could with the tools that they had.
When I got the news that I needed open-heart surgery I got a lesson in what Ira and Evan needed from me.
They came to me.
She got on a plane and was here the next day, and Ira was as well.
I learned from them I should have done that when Evan had those moments.
Um and I think that was the first time I was able to understand what she went through.
I realized her life is on the line.
I did start to fight back more against Manson.
And I just remember thinking "I'm getting out.
I don't know how I'm getting out, but I'm getting out".
And I figured out his tricks, I figured out his gaslighting, I figured out his manipulation.
And I figured out how to use it against him.
That's when things started to change, and I stopped laughin' at his jokes and, um he would, he would threaten to kill me, and I would say, "Okay".
Then I'd just look at him.
And so, it wasn't fun for him anymore.
Just for the last reaction.
Rolling! - Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, Ben wanted me to get you to sign off on this - before the staff meeting.
- Mm.
I signed on to do "Ides of March".
I've been waiting for this.
You're very mature.
For a teenager.
And I thought, "This is it.
This is, this is it".
Like, "This is it! I am never coming back when I leave to go do this movie.
I'm never coming back".
And I, and I knew that, and I think he knew that, too.
The car came, and I got my bags, and I walked out put my bags in the car, and I looked back at the long catwalk, and he was standing at the door, and he was just lookin' at me with this just, like this look.
And, and I looked back at him.
And I got in the car, and I didn't see him again for years, like, that was it.
I think he called me when I was on set and started yelling at me, and I hung up on him, and I changed my number.
And that was it.
That was the last time.
That's how That was, that was my last leaving.
Uh, all right, everyone, check the gates on that.
While I was in the middle of filming "The Ides of March", Jamie and I started speaking again, and realized that our relationship was still very unfinished.
Jamie was one of my deepest first loves.
We met at the Sundance Film Festival when we were teenagers.
We had very similar lives.
We were both child actors, and we fell in love instantly.
It was that young, raw, everything is life or death sort of love.
And we had been together for almost two years when Brian came into the picture and split us up.
So, after "The Ides of March" was finished I quite literally ran, uh, back into Jamie's arms.
I had only been out of the abusive situation for two months, maybe, um, before we got back together.
And I did not know just how much work I had to do.
I thought, "I had gotten out.
I had got the love of my life back".
He looked at me and said, "Oh my God, it's you.
I can see you again".
Like, "You're com You're back".
And I said, "I know.
I feel like I am, and everything's gonna be okay, right?" But then, the PTSD started to kick in.
My night terrors were really bad.
I had a lot of chronic pain.
I would lie about things that I didn't need to lie about.
And I didn't know why.
So, I went and got help.
I put myself in therapy three times a week.
I don't know if I would have dove into self-help that deeply had I not been trying so desperately to keep our relationship together.
Jamie and I loved each other so much.
I couldn't fathom a, a life that didn't involve him.
We were together for a couple of years, and we decided to have a wedding ceremony.
Even though we were never legally married, we felt like our relationship deserved that moment.
We had been through so much and we really fought hard to try to keep our relationship together.
We were in couples' therapy.
I was going to therapy, and I started to get better, and I started to, you know, develop new patterns.
We had the most beautiful baby.
But honestly, I think at that point, so much had happened that it was kind of too late.
I think our trust just got so damaged.
Any time I tried to talk about the abuse, I definitely felt like I was getting victim-blamed.
I wish that he had all of the information.
It just wasn't safe to go there.
Once I was separated I had some brief relationships that were healthy.
But relationships are still hard.
It's hard to feel safe.
It's hard to be intimate.
And I had a partner look at me one time and go, "I'm not gonna hit you".
And that's when I was like, "I need to start going to trauma therapy".
Since Brian dropped his album, everything is blowing up.
My testimony is being reposted all over the internet and social media.
Journalists are starting to press him about our relationship.
I still haven't named him publicly, but people are putting together the pieces.
And I've started to get death threats from his fans.
It's very intense and very scary.
The authorities have contacted me.
They're conducting an investigation and they want to interview me.
I just don't know when.
Law enforcement has reached out to some of the other survivors and once Brian finds out that there's an investigation, and the survivors are speaking to each other, I don't know what he'll do.
He'll know that he's cornered, and he's a dangerous person.
How's it goin'? He's gonna start getting more, more jumpy and scared now 'cause the, the walls are closing in on him.
That's the statistic with domestic violence.
The most dangerous time is the times where you're leaving, and I think in some weird way, this is leaving as well Well, 'cause leaving, leaving is exposing.
It's a dangerous situation, and there are victims that are being stalked, photos of their houses being posted online.
Oh, from, from this case? - Yeah.
- Oh Jesus.
Like, as your friend and someone who loves you, I think it would be smart to leave.
Yeah, just go.
All right, Tommy.
Time to hit the road.
Gettin' nervous? It's okay.
I know.
It's a lot.
After getting that call, I knew I couldn't stay.
He's starting to threaten and intimidate the victims.
I'm a mother and I have every right to be afraid.
Take the I-5 north exit towards I swung by my ex's house to pick up my child and we are heading out of town.
I'm really glad that I have this spot.
We're lucky that we have somewhere safe to stay.
Yes! We're gonna go and jump.
Woo! Ready? Set? - What? - You're like a little snail going down the slide.
- Mom, what is it? - Hm? - What is it? What's wrong? - Nothin'.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
But I love you more.
- I love you most.
- No, I love you most.
Well, I love you most, most.
I love you 10 times more than you love me.
- Nah.
- Yep.
Look! It's been months since I've stayed alone without somebody watching me and making sure everything's okay.
So many people have said to me, "If you really wanted to help, then you would name him and end this.
You just gotta stop being afraid of him".
You're speaking to somebody who this man brutalized with his bare hands.
How am I supposed to not be afraid? I feel bad that you have to I don't know.
I shouldn't feel bad, but I always feel bad when people have to, like, uproot their lives to come and stay, - and make sure that I'm okay.
- No.
I'm happy to do it.
I'm happy to be here.
Anyway, here's "Wonderwall".
I said maybe ♪ I'm glad you're here, though, 'cause I would be much more - freaked out.
- Mom! - What's up, boo-boo? - Oh no! Help me.
You're nervous about the tooth? That tooth is comin' out, man.
I'm tellin' Do you see it? Yep.
- Let me see.
- Look at it.
Ooh! Oh God, that scared me.
No loud noises, no loud noises.
It's, it's a-comin', it's a-comin'.
He's cookin' something up.
- Come here, Tommy.
- Mom! - Yeah?! - It fell out! Your tooth fell out? - It did! - Oh my gosh! Let me see, let me see! Hello? Yes.
Yeah, they lost it.
Hang on.
Wait, wait, wait.
I have another call.
Hello? Yes, this is their foot.
Hang on, I've gotta Hello? Oh, wait, yeah.
Hang on.
Somebody's callin' for you.
Here, talk.
Talk to each other.
So, we haven't really gotten any updates from law enforcement.
But Illma and I gathered up all of my evidence to review, so that I'm ready when it is time to share it.
- Hello? - Hey, now it's working.
- So, do you wanna go through your folder? - Okay.
You can testify to the blood-drinking, rape, sexual battery, scarification, matching tattoos, sleep deprivation, eating schedule, forced dress code, blackmail.
And then, obviously, the article of him saying, "I have fantasies every day about smashing her head in with a sledgehammer".
To which I then have a text message, um No, this is messed up.
"I wanna smash Evan's head in".
Um I'm sorry.
- I know, I know.
It's okay.
I'm okay.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, so we get to the "Heart-Shaped Glasses" music video.
Um, I think that we might have found people from that set who say that they were really disturbed.
- Um - Yes! Yes, really? Oh my God! Oh my God! That makes me so happy.
I'm sorry! I'm Any time somebody, like, steps up for me, it's just really fuckin' Yeah.
So, we might have people who think that you were: A, um, intoxicated, therefore, can't consent, and, B, what they saw was not okay.
Yes! Oh my God! - And, um - Okay.
Yeah, that they were disgusted by what was happening, not because it was a "porn set", but because they were really disturbed about your well-being.
Does that qualify as sex trafficking - Yes! - because I was forced into sex acts against my will? Yes, this is what you do for work.
It's forced servitude.
- The videos I, I really think that it was his plan the whole time - Yes, absolutely.
- to get me on that set and rape me in front of everybody because he thought it was funny and he knew that he would get away with it.
And he wanted it to be done in front of all of these, you know, higher-ups in Hollywood.
And he just, he just got off on the whole idea He loved the idea of public people publicly deciding whether or not you guys are actually what is happening.
Like, he It's disgusting.
The whole thing's disgusting.
So, um those are the points of hard evidence.
I'm really, really scared for everyone involved.
One d One, one day at a time.
We have to just do this one day at a time.
It's always the waiting.
I just hope it happens before the new year.
Instead of one day of presents We have eight crazy nights! Do you remember which one what, what this does? Oh, this lights the others.
This lights the others.
Very good.
- I'm scared.
- Well, don't be scared.
You wanna do it while I say the prayer? Okay.
When I got pregnant that was a game-changer because the experience I had had before had been so traumatizing, and devastating, and sad 'cause I had wanted to be a mom my whole life.
It was, like, what I really wanted to be and I had forgotten that.
So, I grabbed my belly and was just like, "This is happening".
You know, "I have to do this".
Best decision I ever made, like And who's that? You! Looks a lot like you, huh? - But it's you! - But it's me! Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Hanukkah.
I thought that he would be arrested by now, and he hasn't been.
We keep reporting all of the threats to the police.
Still, nothing's been done.
I've heard cases take 15 months to two years, and we don't believe that we have that kind of time, especially, because he keeps getting information.
Brian does.
And it's only a matter of time before he understands the severity of the case.
And I don't want to wait for that.
I finally got the call, and I'm going in to the FBI.
I hope after I've made the statement and answer any questions they have enough to arrest Brian.
It was the first time I s-spoke about a few things in detail.
It was actually the first time I cried about certain things.
I had never been able to, like, go back there and cry about it.
So, that was intense, um, but cathartic.
They always ask you, "And after this happened, did you seek medical attention or did you tell anyone?" And the answer was almost always, "No, I didn't tell anyone for years.
No one.
Not Nothing".
And that surprised me.
I, I, I had never really asked myself that question or why, and, and, and Yeah, I mean, I really didn't say anything to anybody.
But you could tell it wasn't accusatory.
They just wanted to know if they needed to corroborate, you know, my story with, with anybody.
I realize that like, I'm being treated like a victim.
I'm actually being supported, and I'm being, you know, helped through this, instead of having to fight.
It's like I didn't have to fight for, like, five minutes.
Sorry, six hours.
It was not five minutes, but, like, I could just tell the story.
This is the first time I haven't been doubted, or questioned, or shamed, or This is the first time that like, someone was really listening, and, and they had support there.
And I was like, "What is this feeling?" And it's this feeling of being believed.
You know, at the end, they were saying they've talked to, uh, a number of people already and that they're building their case, and, um You know, I think they, they don't wanna, you know, get my hopes up either way about anything, so they were very like, you know, "If and when", and, "We can't tell you", you know, "when it's gonna happen, but we will keep you updated".
Um they said that they're moving as fast as they can.
Brian's scheduled to perform in Japan in January.
He's a flight risk, but even if he tried to flee, I think they'd still get him.
I think me and all the survivors are really on pins and needles.
This arrest, to me, can't come soon enough.
My friends and family have been going through this with me Sorry.
Just for so long.
And I don't wanna have to call anybody to come stay with me anymore.
I don't want people to have to come and hold my hand till I fall asleep.
I don't I don't wanna put my family and friends through this anymore.
This is just my, uh, draft.
I don't know if this will be the final public statement, but this is what I, kind of wrote out.
New year.
"The name of my abuser is Brian Warner, also known to the world as Marilyn Manson.
He started grooming me when I was a teenager and abused me for years " Because there's been no movement, and we haven't heard anything, and everyone's still really scared and getting threatened, we started looking at other options, and I started to understand why people come forward publicly at first.
"I stand with my sisters and the many victims, and I call on law enforcement to take swift action".
Please, God.
If there's not public outrage about this and about the crimes that he's committed, and if there aren't people coming forward, then there's no real, you know, incentive for law enforcement to do something.
And we could just be waiting in line at the DMV for two years for something to happen.
And I want to just say his name publicly.
Especially now that there are other victims and, potentially, future victims.
I don't want this to happen to anybody else.
I want him to stop.
My hope is that people will feel empowered to follow, and people will feel safer to come forward.
Hello? Hey.
Yeah, I'm okay.
I just, you know, it's kind of frustrating but I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
I think everyone's worried.
I just kinda knew that this was gonna happen.
I knew that, like, I was gonna get on the phone with my team and they were gonna try to talk me out of it.
Ever since this happened, it's always just been like, "Don't say anything, don't say anything.
Stand down, stand down, stand down".
And I'm just fuckin' tired of standing down.
I'm tired of everybody being like, "Well, we have to protect your career and your reputation, so just stay away".
And it's, like, that's what's kept me quiet this whole time.
It's kinda like, when am I gonna get to stand up? You know? What? All right, should I leave a message for myself - on the chalkboard for when I get back? - Yep.
- Can I add something? - Yeah.
Illma came out for moral support.
We're gonna be traveling for the final step for coming forward.
Here we go ♪ We're gonna go see Grandpa ♪ We're goin' on a trip ♪ And we're gonna see Grandpa, and Ash Ash, and Thomas ♪ And run, and laugh, and play ♪ Have I told you how much I love you today? - As much as the whole wide world, I know.
- That's right.
Hey, buddy! My girl is here.
Last night, I was, like, havin' a moment and so, I came outside and, and I said to, like, my guardian angels to be around me for this.
And I have a grandmother that passed away, my memaw.
And the craziest thing happened.
I said "Memaw, if you're here, let me know".
I swear to God the biggest wind came and blew the trees, and the snow was shaking off of the trees.
And this was next to me, and this started to shake back and forth.
And I looked next to me and this was shaking and I just started crying, and I said, "I, I feel that, and I know you're here".
It was just wild, you know, so I feel like, um I feel like I got some protection around me.
This is so crazy, too.
We managed to finish this puzzle, like, just yesterday, and Ashley didn't even know realize when she brought it that it's an "Alice in Wonderland" puzzle.
- And we finished it, and it was so - Yeah, apropos.
- So fitting.
- Yes.
It's like skydiving, where you've talked about going skydiving all week, and you're like, "Yep, I'm goin' skydiving".
And then, and then, you're in the plane holding on to the edge, like, looking down goin', "Oh my God.
Now I have to jump and actually do the thing that I said I was gonna do".
You know, there's no guarantees, but I have faith, and I'm not jumping alone.
No, you're not.
It's just all so surreal.
- I think it was better like this, actually.
- Okay.
- Evan.
- Yeah.
An hour beforehand.
I'm having, like, an out-of-body experience right now.
Okay, it's four.
It's posted.
- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I did it.
- You did? I know things may have been a little scary for you recently and you might have some worries in your heart.
- Mm-hm.
- But you know what? - What? - You don't have to worry about that anymore.
- Why? - Because the good guys are gonna win.
Can I say something right now? Marilyn Manson I was in the band for nine months.
Every single thing that people have said about him is fucking true.
If anyone is coming after these girls and going like, "You blah, blah, blah, blah, blah".
Fuck you.
That's all I'm gonna say.

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