Pie In The Sky (1994) s01e07 Episode Script

Passion Fruit Fool

1 S01xE07 "Passion Fruit Fool" Apr 24, 1994 You know, one day, Fisher One day it´ll be just you and me, and a bowl of fresh sage and onion stuffing.
You push me too far, mate.
You puff out that pigeon chest and ruffle that fancy plumage at me once too often, and I´ll just snap.
It´s just a chicken, Henry.
No, it´s not! It´s evil incarnate.
It´s Nemesis, Armageddon, Doomsday with a beak.
It´s a stupid little chicken, and you should never have called it "Fisher.
" They´ve both got the same cocky attitude.
Right, well, I´ve got the laundry, and I´ll be at Alec´s all day, I expect.
So, uh, have fun then.
Fun right.
Look, Fisher´s away on holiday.
You´ve got the whole week free to work on your menus.
Nothing´s going to disturb you.
Yeah, well, I still don´t like it.
Why? Because, Fisher doesn´t just go on holiday.
Do this.
Thank you.
Get back in! Go! Get! Uh, I think that´s the lot.
Morning, Barb.
I´d love to chat.
I haven´t got time.
That´s the curse of the slave classes.
Adding up my wages won´t take you long.
Oh, what a mess! Well, that´s the filing system.
Sorry.
It´s the highlight of my year, Alec.
Hmm.
Oh.
Ah, yeah, that one´s been through the machine.
The ink´s wiped off.
Yeah, it´s a very good machine.
Hmm.
Pockets.
Oh, you are going to have to be more organized than this, Alec.
The Revenue can demand to look at this material.
Even the accounts can´t depress me today, Margaret.
Tina´s coming home tonight.
Raspberry.
Yeah.
Loganberry.
Mm-hmm.
- Black currant.
- Yeah.
And And? - And - And, go on.
What? Got you, haven´t I? - Passion fruit.
- Ta-da! Oh, that´s really good.
Linda, try some.
No, ta.
"No, ta"? She must be sick.
I´d like to be.
Is there a problem? There certainly is.
He banged the door down just after you left, drove me down here at 90 miles an hour, and now he´s parking his car.
You mean, Maxwell? I say his car, but, of course, speaking from past experiences, that may not necessarily be accurate.
I won´t be a sec, chef.
Maxwell? Old pal? Hey.
Stevie? Hey, how you doing, old mate? Ooh, look at that.
Dog´s bollocks, innit? All the extras.
Walnut dashboard, CD, leather seats Central locking.
So, what do you want, Max? Well, I thought I´d, uh, pop down from town, and see me old partner and his beautiful lady.
And, uh, well, take a little trip to the country.
Where did you nick that car, Max? Look you´re not the only one who can pack in the illegal, Stevie boy.
Now, I´ve got myself a little market stall, don´t I? And a bundle on your bathroom requisites.
What hotel are you staying in? I´ll come up for a drink later.
Well, well, I Well, the thing is, um Business hasn´t been too good recently.
Uh, I got myself into a bit of a tight corner.
I thought you and Linda Don´t make me laugh.
No, look.
Look, it´s nothing serious like.
It´s just it´s just I can´t show me face around no more.
I just thought, if I may need to make a fresh start, I could come down here, eh? I mean, you´re sort, sort of a model for me.
Fresh start? You know, get meself a little job, somewhere to live proper work.
Come on, Steve? Steve? Just a couple of days, mate, huh? Old times? They´re horrible looking things, eh? Their sharp, little pecky beaks and great big horrible toenails.
They could do you serious damage, you know.
People don´t seem to realize that.
1, 2, 3.
Okay, that´s it.
Alec? Oh, Margaret.
Can I ask you to book a table for two at the Pie in the Sky for me and Tina? Yes, but we need to have a chat, Alec.
I´ve got a bit of a surprise for her.
A serious chat about your expenditure.
Yeah, yeah, I know they´re in a mess, but you´re brilliant the way you sort it out.
It´s not about your missing receipts, Alec it´s about the ones I´ve got.
It´s not my job to tell you how to run the business, but, um, car, clothes, champagne? What, am I bankrupt? Not yet.
But holidays So many meals out and jewelry.
Yeah, Margaret? Now, you can´t ask me to be miserable on the day I´m going to ask her to marry me? Well, she seems like a lovely girl.
But? Yeah, I know.
People like to talk.
Small minds.
Well, we entertain them.
Look, I know there´s an age difference, but, I´m not 100 years old I´ve still got my own teeth.
You´re a real catch.
You know, the day Tina walked into that shop a year ago, I started living.
Now, if I can´t stop people´s mouths running, at least I can give ´em something good to talk about.
I´m going to marry Tina in a church, and I´m going to drive her away from there in a bloody, great big white Rolls Royce.
Now, that sounds very expensive.
Yes! Sorry, mate.
Set ´em up.
No.
Oh, come on, Linda.
Just ´til he gets a little job.
A little job to him is a drainpipe and an open window.
Look, everyone deserves a second chance look at me.
He´s an habitual criminal.
He´s also a child.
Bent or straight he´s a liability.
He´s got no family to go to.
That´s because they´re all inside it´s genetic.
He has landed you in so much trouble in the past.
Please, Steve.
He´s a nuisance.
He lives on baked beans and Kitchen will be closing if she doesn´t hurry up.
I expect she just missed her train, Mr.
Bailey.
Ooh, it´s a bit too sharp.
Too minty.
It´s totally unbalanced.
Ah, quite like it.
It´s like a runny lolly.
Oh, give me strength.
Too much Kirsch.
Well, that´s the lot.
Except Mr.
Bailey.
Right.
Hello? Hello I´m terribly sorry, but is Tina there? No, she´s not.
I haven´t seen her for a couple of days.
You awake? Right, well, um, we´ll start with a consomme of the lamb first.
Then if there´s any time, I´ll have another go at the sorbet.
I will not let a lemon be my Waterloo.
Hard night? What? Oh.
Oh, yes, it I don´t want to mess up your free week with my problems, chef.
It´ll sort itself out.
If you say so.
Right, let´s make this Now, what? I don´t suppose you just dropped in for brunch? Calm yourself, Mr.
Crabbe.
It´s the hired help we want a word with.
Bit of business in Maitland Street last night.
Nice little first floor office.
That´s right up your street, isn´t it, Steve The Drainpipe King? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Get on the phone.
Tell Linda to come down here.
She´ll confirm where you were last night.
I wasn´t with her all last night, chef.
We´d better continue this little chat down the station then.
I phoned the police in the night.
They said they´d make a note of it.
"Call back, if she doesn´t turn up.
" Well, she hasn´t turned up.
Well, they can´t take out a missing persons file on everyone who´s a few hours late, Alec.
Tina´s never been five minutes late.
And none of the local hospitals have got any record of her being admitted.
Don´t you know where she went? A friend in Bostock, Jenny or Janey.
I´ve only got the phone number, and she´s not there anymore.
Just try to keep calm.
Yeah, but where´s Henry? I mean, he´s a policeman.
Why doesn´t he do something? She won´t be back.
Barb, how can you be so sure? She´s got another bloke up in Bostock.
That is just malicious gossip.
I´m sick of your resentment of Tina.
That´s not gossip.
She had some stuff down to the laundry.
I checked her pockets.
Well, I had to.
Can´t have toffees and the like in these drums.
I don´t want to hurt him, Mrs.
Crabbe.
But don´t expect me to sit back and let him make an even bigger fool of himself.
Come on, Tina.
Just eat a little bit, or you´ll never get better.
But I´m not ill.
Course you are.
Rundown, tired never used to be like this.
You used to be laughing all the time.
My wee girl.
I was never happy with you.
See? That shows you how sick you are! Can´t remember what a great time we had together.
I used to watch you play pool.
That´s better.
That´s a good girl! Let´s go and play now.
Nah.
I don´t feel like it today.
I´m too worried about you.
Or we could go for a walk out in the sun.
The fresh air will do me good.
No, we never did that.
No.
You need to rest.
That´s my girl.
Ah! Temperamental little tank, huh? Slide across.
There´s a real knack to it.
You want to go for a drive? Not today.
Alec? I don´t believe it.
Barbara´s never had a good word for Tina.
Never given her a chance.
I wouldn´t be surprised if she didn´t write that letter herself just to ruin things.
Now, you know she wouldn´t do that.
Yeah, and I know Tina loves me.
So, what the hell has happened? Hey?! Hey, you?! Hey! What the hell´s happening? I´m just falling apart.
Hey, Stevie.
If you have been up to your dirty old tricks again, I will personally cut off your Don´t be dirty, Steve.
I will personally emasculate you.
Have you any idea what that means? Do you realize I spent the entire day at the local nick.
- Linda did mention it.
- I bet she did.
Do you know what happened to me down the local nick? They didn´t charge you, did they? No, they didn´t have enough evidence, but they´re looking for more they won´t find any more, will they, Maxwell? No, I´m clean, Steve.
Honest, honest.
You´re sort of a model for me, see? Ah, you´ve tried that one already.
All right, all right.
Oh, no.
I guess I´m sort of a marked man, you know.
I mean, how did you do it, mate? How did you carve out a proper life for yourself, where everywhere you go, there´s someone trying to put their finger on you? I mean, I´m not looking for the dosh or the birds or the fast lane no more.
Do you know what I´m looking for? I´m looking for trust.
You´re looking for a smack in the mouth.
Go for a walk, Max.
I always get the blame for everything, don´t I? Just a walk.
Henry and Margaret have been really good to us, Steve.
I like the life we have now.
Oh, you don´t think I actually did it, do you? Either way, you ended up back down the nick.
Tell him to go.
Hello, this is Bailey´s Laundry.
Will you please leave a message after the tone, or call back during shop hours? Thank you.
This is Tina.
I´m not coming back, Alec, so please don´t try to find me.
Tina? Tina Uh.
One sorrel soup, two fish minced, two pie, one sole.
Right.
One tart with cheese.
Two policemen one fool! Oh, no.
Steven Jeffrey Turner.
Yeah, I think we know that.
The back door, please, gentlemen.
Look, chef, you know I´m really sorry about this.
Look, I need help in this kitchen.
That´s what I pay you for.
If you can´t keep your past from interfering with my present, I suggest you find employment elsewhere.
Sorry.
Something terrible is happening.
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares, Margaret.
Hello, Alec.
Let´s go over here.
Ah, the very man! Are you any good at, uh, pitting cherries, Alec? Henry? What an old chump.
You could do something.
No, no, you´re not bothered.
No fool like an old fool.
Is that it? Is that what you all think, eh? Silly old sod has got himself dumped? Oh.
Maybe you´re right.
I´m sorry, Henry, but I know you´ve got to go home and kill your house guest.
Off you go then.
You should be in bed.
Linda, think you could see him home? Uh Go on, go on.
It´s all right.
Need some help? - Yeah.
Quick.
- Thanks.
No, Margaret! You´ve got to caress it.
You´re supposed to persuade the cream to thicken.
Don´t beat the living daylights out of it.
It´s may come as a shock to you, but there are some things in life more important than food! There´s your cream.
I hope it keeps you warm at night.
Two more covers.
You´re not going anywhere.
Something has got to be done.
Good night, Mr.
Crabbe.
Good night, John.
And thanks, for all the hard work.
I only came up for my keys.
So, they let you out then? They made me walk back.
Gave me a chance to think a few things over.
I let you down, chef.
You don´t deserve that.
You gave me a chance and I guess I blew it.
Here´s the keys to the restaurant.
It´s a shame ´cause I really liked working here.
That sorbet was a stinker.
Ah, it wasn´t far off.
No.
It´s a delicate structure a sorbet a miss is as good as a mile.
It wasn´t me, you know, chef? I know that.
My long and repetitive experience as a policeman has taught me that things don´t sort themselves out.
Lock up before you go, won´t you? You must be really worried? How can you tell? Well, you left your calculator on.
Did I hear Steve come in? Just the boys from the local nick, putting him through the usual hoops, I expect.
I wish they could have done it on his day off.
You´re exhausted, aren´t you? I wasn´t any help.
I´m sorry.
It´s Monday tomorrow.
No customers to worry about.
We´re all right, aren´t we? Of course.
We´ve just got different interests, that´s all.
And thank God, too, because my math is terrible.
Mind you I can still put 2 and 2 together.
Now that note that was found in Tina´s pocket, what did it say again? "I can´t live without you.
" Linda? Oh, I wonder what I´m knocking off now? He keeps saying it´s not him, but they´re both little jobs that he would have pulled off like that, in the past.
Ah, this is doing my head in.
Yeah, your head and my menus.
Of course, ahem, there is one thing you could try.
Tempt him, see if he bites.
Then if he does, make sure he gets caught by a police officer.
Oh, chef, I can´t set him up to be sent down.
Oh, come on.
You must know at least one police officer that might I say might just let him off with a severe caution.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, right.
Right, but, please do use your imagination.
I don´t want to have to replace all that glass in the back door again.
Hello, Linda.
Morning, Henry.
Sleep all right? Ready? Hmm, we´re a bit short in root vegetables.
Think you could stop at Henderson´s? - Henry? - Only if there´s time, of course.
Oh, not again? Alec? There´s a coincidence.
We were just coming to see you.
Sorry these are a day late.
Hope you understand why.
No charge, of course.
Oh, don´t be stupid.
You can´t afford that.
I´ll be the judge of that.
Well, that´s not what you said to me on Friday when I had a handful of soggy receipts.
Well, things change So I´m told.
Life goes on So I´m told.
Think you´ll find I´m a bit more business-minded in future, Margaret.
There´s two more bags in the van.
I´ll go and fetch ´em in.
Give him a hand, Henry.
I don´t need a hand.
I´ll just check the bookings.
I´ll just feed the chickens.
You just have.
Then I´ll sit and I´ll tell them a story I´m not going back in there.
Talk to him.
We´ve known each a long time, haven´t we? Too long to go around the houses.
Fair enough.
I thought I might be able to help you find Tina.
Everyone thinks I´m a love-sick old fool who´s just got dumped, don´t they? Well, I think you´re a fine, good, honest man.
And it´s not like you to give up.
Now, I don´t want to interfere.
But if there´s any way I can help You know, just ´cause someone sent her a note saying "I can´t live without you" doesn´t mean to say she has to feel the same way.
The more I think about this, the less I like it.
Thanks.
She came up for two days, then left.
Simple.
But, uh, she has visited several times recently? For a bit of shopping together.
We´re old friends.
She´s not in any kind of trouble, is she, Janey? No.
You see, ahem, You may think you´re protecting her, but, uh, we think she may be in danger.
She´s been seeing this bloke in Middleton.
Alec.
She thought he was going to ask her to marry him.
I mean, she wanted to.
But there was this other bloke she used to see up here.
Um Rick something.
I never met him.
Tina dumped him ´cause he made her life hell.
But then, he couldn´t stand the thought of her seeing another man.
I sort of covered for her said she was with me when she wasn´t.
Where can we find this Rick? Moves around a lot rented places.
She always found him through work.
He´s a mini-cabber.
I always thought I was helping her I really did.
Thanks very much.
Any luck? Well, they had a Rick working for them two years ago.
He died at the wheel.
Oh, heart attack? No, they said he was just old.
Hello, is Rick about? He´s not here.
- Oh.
- Who wants him? Um, friends of Tina.
Tina who? Uh, Tina it´s okay, we´ll pop back later.
Catch him then.
Crabbe´s given me notice, and the filth are going to keep picking me up anyway.
You get to the point where you might as well do what you´re accused of.
Welcome back to the real world, old mate.
Takings aren´t kept in the building since they got burgled.
He hides ´em for the night, and she banks ´em in the morning.
Where´d they stash it then? In the chicken hut.
Crabbe locks the door, but I can leave the flap for the run unlocked.
Be no problem to you, that, the Cat Flap Kid.
Yeah, well yeah, well, there is a problem actually.
Yeah? Yeah.
Um I mean, it´s nothing serious.
But, I mean well, I mean, the thing is, I´ve got a thing about chickens.
I need a cab to find my wallet.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, look "I lost my wallet in a cab.
" And I´ll leave my address John, this is important.
You can remember 15 orders without even writing them down.
Yes, well, I´m used to that.
Look, we will have one "lost my wallet in a cab yesterday," and one "driver´s description.
" Then we will have one "needed desperately," followed by one "driver´s address," right? Why didn´t you put it like that in the first place? You´ll learn to love me again, Tina.
´Cause if you don´t, the next time, it won´t be his windows.
You´ll love me like you did before.
You are mine! And I´m going to put an end to this shit! I´ll teach that bastard to send arseholes looking for you.
Don´t touch him! No! You´re not happy about this, are you? Well, I´m just wondering why I shouldn´t just call the local station and hand the whole thing over to them? Do you think it´s that serious? Well, it´s tempting to think it isn´t.
But our Mr.
Rick gave himself away very easily, and people that do that are often the most dangerous.
You won´t like this.
- She doesn´t know where he lives.
- Hmm.
It´s somewhere on the Oakmead Road was as close as she could get.
Oh, well, that´s all open farmland.
There can only be, what, three cottages between Bostock and Oakmead.
Jump in.
Margaret? Tina? Tina?! Margaret?! For heaven´s sake, keep back! Help! I´ll try the door! Alec! He´s got a gun! Silly old man.
Old enough to be her father, hmm?! What would my Tina want with you? You´ve made a proper nuisance of yourself.
You´re just a filthy old pervert.
I need to teach you a lesson, hmm? Don´t I?! It´s not right Trying to steal another man´s woman.
It´s no good, Rick.
Shut up.
Just give me the gun.
Shut it! What are you going to do? We can´t stay in here forever.
We can sort this out.
No! Look, we can find Tina together we can talk to her.
Don´t want you near her! Don´t want anyone near her! Giving her bloody, stupid ideas! There wasn´t no problem when it was just me and her.
That´s how it´s got to be.
Me and Her and me.
Right.
Police marksmen are coming right now.
I think you ought to get her out of here.
I want Tina! Tina! Tina, stop there.
Henry, be careful.
It´s all right, Margaret.
I don´t think he´ll hurt me, Mr.
Crabbe.
No, but it´s a chance we can´t afford to take, Tina, now, please.
Just walk backwards with me, very slowly, all right? No, no Tina? Alec needs me.
Tina, look, all right.
I´ll go with you.
Okay.
Rick? Rick? - Who´s that? - This is Mr.
Crabbe.
He runs that restaurant I was telling you about.
Did ya? Yeah, I´ve laid on something very special for you both tonight.
Why? To celebrate us getting back together.
Candlelight.
Champagne.
What about you and him, huh?! That was just a little game, wasn´t it, Mr.
Bailey? It was just a little game to see how much you love me.
And you do love me, don´t you? Of course, I love you.
And I love you.
Let´s go with Mr.
Crabbe then.
Yeah? We are together Aren´t we? Tina! It´s over.
It´s over.
Tina?! RICK, CRYING: No! No, Tina?! You could have been killed.
Well, it wasn´t the first time.
I wasn´t there the other times.
What would I have done if you´d been killed? Dug a very big hole and learned how to cook.
Not funny.
No, it´s not funny.
I´m sorry.
Sorry about your free week.
And the menus.
Well, there´s still a few days left.
Besides, there´s more important things in life than food.
To us.
For a while there, I thought I´d lost you.
Look, I don´t need holidays and clothes and presents.
I don´t need things, Alec.
It was just you, I wanted.
One last gift.
You will, won´t you? Something wrong with the food? I´m sure it´s delicious, Henry.
It´s just my judgement´s off.
Don´t you think he deserves to know after everything that´s happened? You know? Educated guess, phone call.
What? I can´t marry you, Alec, because I I am married to Rick.
Is that all? It wasn´t a proper marriage, and when I left, he just kept following me.
I thought he´d given up and then he found me here.
So, why didn´t you tell me? Because you kept on saying how perfect I was.
And because he said he´d hurt you.
He won´t hurt anyone now.
Excuse me.
S-s-sit.
Stay.
Oh, my God.
Steve? Well, well, well.
If it isn´t Steve and Linda´s little friend? Did they tell you I was a copper as well as a cook? Look, I was I was trying to go legit.
I mean, I had a little market stall and everything.
I I was driven back to crime.
I´m a victim of the recession, me.
No, no! Don´t touch it, please? Grotesque things, aren´t they, when you get close to them? With those sharp, pecky beaks and those great big toenails? They can do you an awful amount of damage.
Most people don´t know that do they? Excuse me, excuse me, Mr.
Crabbe? What is it now? Can you get me out of here, please? Don´t worry, there´ll be a couple of police officers along in a minute they´ll help you.
Oh, and by the way, Max? You´re nicked.
Ooh.
I thought you said you were going to let him off, chef? Did I? I don´t remember saying that.
You got any proof? Where´s your witnesses? Any statements? At least this way, I can be perfectly safe in the knowledge that that young man will not be interrupting the smooth flow of my kitchen.
And don´t worry they don´t put you away for too long for robbing hen houses.
Letter of the law, eh? Oh, yes.
And don´t think I wouldn´t do the same for you, matey.