Pie In The Sky (1994) s02e10 Episode Script

Lemon Twist

1 S02xE10 "Lemon Twist" Mar 19, 1995 MAN: Don´t like the look of that, Guv.
Oh, something´s broken or blocked or flooded, I don´t know.
I´ve got Roger with me.
He´s absolutely bloody useless.
But don´t worry, I´ll get to l´Orangerie in time for dinner, and you´ll have my review tomorrow.
The really crucial thing is my interview with François the chef.
He´s only a baby but such a star his lobster in truffles is to die for.
Well? MAN: It´s going to take me an hour and a half to get it back on the road.
Oh, no! It´s going to take an hour and a half.
ROGER: Look, I´m starving.
Is there a pub or something near here where we could get a sandwich? Brian.
Well, gentlemen, It´s a sad day for me because I´m not only losing a fellow officer, I´m also losing a valued friend.
I´m very happy for Brian though.
This promotion is well deserved, and I´m very happy for our colleagues up north.
I hope they appreciate their new Chief Constable.
To Brian.
ALL: To Brian.
Cheers.
Well done.
Oh, cheers, Brian.
Congratulations.
BRIAN: Your turn next, Freddy.
FISHER: I´m very happy where I am.
MAN: So then I said, "Suck it and see.
" I found those petty cash dockets.
Well, I don´t want them, take them up to Dave.
Oh, and get onto vehicles for me, sweetheart, and see if we can have our car back? CAMBRIDGE: Right.
WOMAN: Sorry, kitchen´s closed.
ROGER: Are we in time for something to eat? JOHN: Yes, you are, sir.
If you´d like to take a seat here? Madame.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
I want a green salad if such a thing is possible no dressing, some still mineral water, no ice.
JOHN: Sir? ROGER: I´m going to try the steak and kidney pie.
MAN: Good move, that.
WOMAN: Oh, for God´s sake.
JOHN: Could I suggest the garlic mashed potato and the buttered cabbage, sir? ROGER: Absolutely, why not? Madame.
Roger, in six hours´ time, you are going to be eating a five-course dinner cooked by one of the hottest chefs in Europe a boy who has two Michelin stars at the age of 25.
MAN: Come far? ROGER: London.
WOMAN: Don´t encourage him, for God´s sake.
MAN: Awfully busy, London.
ROGER: It certainly is.
MAN: Too busy for us.
ROGER: I know what you mean.
WOMAN: God, it´s like being in a Pinter play.
ROGER: I think it´s rather amusing here.
Yes, very you, Roger.
Mutton dressed as lamb, with two veg.
JOHN: You know, I´m sure I recognize her.
She looks like an actress.
She looks like a right pain in the arse.
CRABBE: Hey, hey.
She´s a customer.
They don´t come here to be criticized.
Now, pie, garlic mash, cabbage.
JOHN: Lovely.
Thank you.
One green salad.
Undressed.
NICOLA: Thank you so much.
CAMBRIDGE: Hello, Sergeant.
What can we do for you? Wine.
A large glass of wine.
The reason I bring you on these trips is for the company, Roger.
ROGER: This is seriously excellent food, Miranda.
You´re a bit of a peasant at heart, aren´t you? It´s quite sweet, really.
ROGER: I´m not kidding.
This is special.
Try some, go on.
Quite good steak.
Been cooked in red wine.
ROGER: Now try the pastry.
Excellent shortcrust suet.
What´s going on here? ROGER: I´m right, aren´t I? Cabbage is perfectly al dente, just the right side of underdone.
ROGER: Wait ´til you taste the garlic mash.
Mm.
Mm.
My God.
To die for.
CAMBRIDGE: You won´t believe this.
We were on a door-to-door in Barstock the other day, and he made me drive six miles out of my way to do what? To pick up his wife´s birthday present.
MAN: Bye, Henry.
Bye, George, Hilda.
Anyway, I was hoping you could have a word with Fisher.
You may not believe this but he listens to you.
He does.
And there´ll be plenty of opportunity on the course this weekend.
What course? The course.
I reminded you twice last week.
Oh, God.
Mmm! ROGER: What are you doing? I´m going to write a review of this place.
I´m going to make it the Feature Restaurant in my column.
ROGER: There´s the chef.
God, have I been spotted? Sorry, darling.
Your fame doesn´t seem to have penetrated these parts.
MIRANDA: I´ll soon change that.
In three days time, this place is going to be hot.
Look at that.
- MARGARET: There you go.
- CRABBE: Thank you, Margaret.
MARGARET: What is this course about, anyway? CRABBE: Oh, community policing or something.
You know, even if we can´t catch the criminals, at least we can be nice to the victims.
MARGARET: Henry, what are you doing? Well, these courses always happen in dodgy hotels, so this is the Henry Crabbe dodgy hotel survival kit.
You see, I´ve got some very nice olive oil here, and I´ve got some Parmesan cheese, black pepper and a lemon.
It´s amazing what can be done with a few simple ingredients.
STEVE: We´re in the paper.
JOHN: I knew I recognized that woman.
CRABBE: What woman? Miranda Bishop.
She was here a couple of days ago.
She just happens to be one of the foremost food critics in the country.
And she has given us a rave review.
MARGARET: She´s written about Pie in the Sky? Listen to this "The restaurant critic´s dream "is to stumble upon undiscovered delights, and this dream came true for me at Pie in the Sky in Middleton.
" MARGARET: Ooh-ooh! "The steak and kidney pie "was a revelation, "first class ingredients cooked in a faultless red wine gravy.
NICOLA: "A miraculous shortcrust suet pastry, "beautifully crusty on top while the underside was permeated with ambrosial juices.
" "The garlic mash was a perfectly judged blend of potato, oil, "garlic and milk.
"This dreamy confection alone "was worth a detour.
MARGARET: "One of the best meals I have eaten, and almost comically cheap.
" Henry, "comically cheap.
" Margaret, the meals that woman normally eats are comically expensive.
MARGARET: Hello, Pie in the Sky? CRABBE: "If you go to Pie in the Sky, and I urge you to do so, "be prepared for some seriously eccentric fellow diners "the local femme fatale, old enough to know better, made come-hither eyes at my companion.
" Well, charming.
NICOLA: That was Mrs.
Goring! Table for four, 8:00 and will the garlic mash be on the menu? You see, I said a little publicity would make a great deal of difference.
There´ll be a price to pay.
MARGARET: What do you mean? CAMBRIDGE: Ready, sir.
CRABBE: Ah, thanks, Cambridge.
All right? - Bye-bye.
- MARGARET: Bye-bye.
Hello, Pie in the Sky.
CRABBE: I went on one of these community policing courses two years ago.
It´s nothing to do with community policing, Crabbe.
It´s a Management Development seminar.
The Chief Constable discovered it in America, so I suppose we can expect a lot of Mid-Atlantic psychobabble.
There will be teams from other regions there, so I want you both to pull your weight.
No matter how silly you think it is.
Hmm.
Bad news, Crabbe, there´s another restaurant called "Pie in the Sky.
" Miranda Bishop says here that it was the best meal she´s had this year.
Oh, well, I suppose there´ll be some people who´ll think she´s writing about your restaurant.
As a matter of fact, she is writing about my place, sir.
Restaurant reviews frivolous nonsense.
MARGARET: Hello, Pie in the Sky.
Oh, I am sorry, the kitchen closes at 9:00, I´m afraid.
Okay, one potato pancake, creme fraiche, hold the salmon roe.
You´ll be in before eight.
That´s fine.
Thank you.
JOHN: Bill for table 6.
Creme fraiche, two pies, one mash, one chips, two sprouts.
One pie and mash, one cod, chips and mushy peas.
Come on, Steve, where are my soups? Yeah, Henderson, more salmon roe out of the fridge.
WOMAN ON PA: We would like to remind guests that management is not responsible for valuables left unattended MAN: I´ll have you shown to your rooms immediately, Mr.
Fisher.
You may then wish to partake of the cold buffet in the Refectory.
And your introductory session is in the Orwell Suite at 2:30.
FISHER: 2:30.
Are they with Management Development? WOMAN: Oh, good Lord, no.
They´re Fantasy Software.
They´re in the Beckett Wing.
FISHER: Thank God for that.
MARGARET: £484, 24p.
That´s our best lunch ever.
And the tips were good, too.
Those businessmen on table 5 left 15 quid.
NICOLA: Yeah, they were really sweet.
It´s women who are the worst tippers No question.
JOHN: Not in my experience, they´re not.
- MARGARET: So, Nicola.
- NICOLA: Thank you.
- MARGARET: John.
- JOHN: Thank you.
MARGARET: Steve, and Henderson.
All right, Henderson? HENDERSON: Yeah.
Yeah, fine.
Well, I´m off.
I´ve got half a field full of spuds to lift.
- NICOLA: See you.
- JOHN: Bye.
HENDERSON: Bye.
Oh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Trapnel, I´m afraid you´re too late for lunch.
Lunch? Do you really think we´d come here for lunch after this? "We were harangued "by an incoherent, blazered old buffer while his wife gazed vacantly into space.
" I know, that´s awful.
They´re as good as saying we´re senile.
And poor Betty Goring won´t leave the house after what they wrote about her.
"Femme fatale" indeed.
I really am very sorry, we have no control over what they say.
We shan´t be coming here again.
Oh, George, Hilda? Please stay and have a drink.
Well, the show must go on.
WOMAN: And the last course I went on, they put us up in this four-star hotel in the Lakes, it was just brilliant.
Jacuzzi, tennis courts, the full monty.
John Major stayed there once apparently.
Anyway, the food was all French, you know, haute cuisine, sauces on everything, and we were like, "God, I could murder a curry.
" So anyway, Darren Cox you know Darren, he was at Hendon with you he said there was a tandoori about five miles away, so me and him were just going to nip out and pick up a take-away.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this Management Development seminar.
Perhaps we could start by introducing ourselves, and can I suggest that you don´t use your rank? Let´s see if we can´t dispense with that particular crutch for the time being.
I´m your facilitator, Stephen Parrish.
I´m Kevin Wright, Stephen´s assistant.
My name is Sophia Cambridge.
Freddy Fisher.
Henry Crabbe.
FISHER: You hear about Brian Sutton? CRABBE: Who? Brian Sutton, he´s been promoted.
Chief Constable, Brian Sutton.
CRABBE: That´s good.
Bad? Can you run through the names of the group for me, Freddy? FISHER: Oh, Paul something, Clive Hodgkiss, was it? Can you name everyone at the table, Sophia? Paul Connolly, Jan Hart.
PARRISH: Yes, now you wrote them down, didn´t you? CAMBRIDGE: Yes.
Whereas you didn´t make a note of everyone´s names, Freddy.
What were you writing? May I see? It´s nothing.
It´s a doodle.
Ooh, I wouldn´t say this was nothing.
Look at these 10 dots.
Perhaps they represent the 10 of you.
Look at each dot surrounded by a circle or a square.
Isolating them from each other, perhaps that´s how you feel at the moment isolated from one another.
FISHER: It´s just a doodle.
Well, okay, but there´s no harm in treating it as a visual metaphor? What we must do, all of us, for the next three days, is learn to question everything.
Look at each moment as it passes, try to see it as a metaphor and deduce what it´s saying about how we conduct ourselves in the work environment, yah? Henry, may we see what you´ve written? Oh no, really, it´s all right, thanks.
No, please.
It´s okay, really.
Thank you.
"Skin the tomatoes and chop them while the garlic and onions are frying in oil.
" It´s an idea I had for a sauce.
For a dish with fish.
Cod, say.
It´s a recipe? Well, can´t it be a metaphor, Stephen? MARGARET: "To record outgoing messages, "press buttons A and B simultaneously, and speak through C.
" Hello, you have reached Pie in the Sky, but we´re very busy at the moment, so wait for the bleep and leave a message.
I thought I told you to make an effort, Crabbe.
Let´s see if we can come out of this with our dignity intact.
WOMAN ON PA: Would Nurse Jenkins please report to the Aerobics room immediately.
CAMBRIDGE: You won´t forget, will you, sir? CRABBE: Forget what, Cambridge? CAMBRIDGE: To have a word with Fisher about my job.
CAMBRIDGE: I don´t know, I´ll see.
"Brian Sutton´s been promoted.
" "Talk to Fisher about my job.
" "Try to see it all as a metaphor.
" God, I could do with a metaphor for the whole pack of them.
MARGARET: Hello.
Margaret, it´s me.
You have reached Pie in the Sky, but we´re very busy at the moment, so wait for the bleep and leave a message.
The marvellous thing is you can listen in when someone sends a message.
CRABBE: Margaret, what´s going on.
It´s Henry.
I wonder what he wants.
Maybe you should pick it up and find out.
Oh, God.
Hello, Henry.
How do you like our new answering machine? Oh, God, an answering machine.
MARGARET: And we have had the best lunch ever.
Well, that´s great.
Look, has Steve phoned the butcher´s yet? I´ll put him on.
Butcher.
Hello, Chef.
We had a brilliant lunch.
CRABBE: So I hear.
Listen, have you phoned Plummer yet? We need some more steak and kidney for tomorrow night.
Don´t worry, Chef, it´s all under control.
See ya.
Okay, I´ll try and ring later.
Come in.
That´s it.
Last straw.
What is? FISHER: Been robbed.
Credit cards.
Money.
Keys.
Gone from my room.
You? Well, I haven´t got a credit card.
Margaret won´t let me have them.
Downstairs, five minutes.
And an Amex card, about 30 quid in cash and a Walkman.
CAMBRIDGE: Thank you.
Everyone reports something missing except D.
I.
Crabbe.
FISHER: Thank you, Sergeant.
CAMBRIDGE: Thank you, sir.
Fletcher, you know the local Superintendent, I believe.
FLETCHER: Yes, Harry Davies, he´s a good bloke.
FISHER: All right, you tell the hotel manager that you´ll liaise with the local police.
Get your pal Davies over here.
You can imagine what a field day the local uniforms would have with all this.
FLETCHER: Not to mention the local press.
God, yes, it´s just the sort of thing the nationals would pick up on.
Right, damage limitation is the name of the game here.
Right, we better get in for the next dose of nonsense.
I suppose catching the thief is out of the question? CONNOLLY: Sophia, right? Nice name.
I was hoping there´d be a gym here or at least a swimming pool.
I get really stressed when I can´t work out.
CAMBRIDGE: Really? - CONNOLLY: Do you work out? - CAMBRIDGE: No.
The exercise I want you to take part in now is about concentration, identification and possession.
Loss, too, perhaps, which may be relevant as we are all suffering the loss of personal possessions, including a computer which should never have been left unattended in the first place, Kevin.
And I want you all to close your eyes.
Close your eyes, please.
Thank you.
Now, while they´re closed, Kevin will give you a lemon each.
You have 10 minutes to familiarize yourselves with your lemon by touch alone.
I want you to focus completely on the physical characteristics of your lemon.
Eyes.
FISHER: Last straw.
Absolute last bloody straw.
Wait for the bleep, and leave a message.
Crabbe, it´s Plummer here.
Did you want more rump and ox kidneys for the weekend? You better let me know by the end of the day so I can put some to one side.
Cheers.
Right, eyes still closed, please.
Now place your lemons on the table in front of you.
Kevin will collect them and place them together in the center of the table.
FISHER: When are you going to let us know what all this is in aid of? I think we´ll only find that out by talking about it, don´t you? Remember, think metaphor.
Okay, now open your eyes and see if you can pick out your lemon from the others on the table.
I think you´ll find there are several with thumb nail marks, Freddy.
All right, Henry? CRABBE: Marvellous, thanks.
Right then, if you would resume your seats, please, and place your lemons on the table in front of you.
Well now, we have got a problem.
Or rather, one of you has got a problem, I should say.
Is that your lemon, Henry? Yes, that is my lemon.
No, no, no, I am sorry, that is not your lemon, Henry.
I know that is not your lemon.
Now, which of you is minus a lemon, because whoever it is, I think you´ll find that Henry Are you absolutely sure that´s your lemon, Henry? Yes, I know that´s my lemon, Stephen.
MAN: Look, what is the problem? We´ve all got our flaming lemons.
I feel as though I´m married to mine.
Well now, this is very interesting, isn´t it? Would you like to talk it through, Stephen? WOMAN ON PA: The Cresswell Grill.
A full vegetarian menu with a topical theme a tropical theme is available.
Officer, I´ve got a maid in my office.
She´s very upset.
Perhaps you could help.
Calm down, calm down, don´t worry, calm down.
Does she speak English? MAN: Well, she´s supposed to.
¿Esta bien? Calmate.
I lost the key.
The key, I lost it.
CAMBRIDGE: What key? FISHER: I´ve never indulged in self-pity, Crabbe.
Self-pity is a terrible thing.
Oh, terrible, sir, yes, terrible.
FISHER: Self-pity and fear two great enemies of personal advancement.
What on earth is that? Olive oil, sir.
Would you care for some? Self-pity and fear.
What do you want, Sergeant? CAMBRIDGE: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but the maid who cleans our floor lost her passkey a couple of days ago.
Now, she did take another one from the housekeeper´s office, but the minute she heard about the thefts Not our problem, Cambridge.
Just thought you´d like a progress report, sir.
Tell whatsit, Fletcher, about it.
- He´s in with the local C.
I.
D.
- CAMBRIDGE: Sir.
Yes, self-pity and fear.
I´ve never been bothered with either until last week.
When I started this job, I drew up my life plan on a piece of paper.
I´ve still got it at home.
Constable at the bottom, Commissioner of the Met.
At the top, and all the ranks in between with the dates I wanted to achieve them.
And do you know something? Until last week I was on schedule.
Really? FISHER: There I was in Brian Sutton´s office, drinking to his promotion.
And I suddenly saw the whole scheme coming unraveled before my very eyes.
Brian Sutton Chief Constable.
Well, I rarely plan more than a day ahead and even that usually ends in disappointment.
That´s when it occurred to me that maybe I should get out of the job.
I´m still a young man, I could get a good job in the private sector.
But leave it another year or two and, well, those poor sods you see hanging about at reunions.
CRABBE: Are you really thinking of leaving the job, sir? Perhaps.
WOMAN: Anyway, I got him in the back of the car, and I thought I´d drive him back to the nick.
And I got there and I thought, well, I´ll leave him in the back of the car overnight.
He throws up all over the back seat.
CONNOLLY: Can I get you another one? CAMBRIDGE: No, thanks.
So, what do you think of the course? Not much.
Policing is a people business.
Maybe it makes sense to find out a bit about ourselves.
We´re people, too.
CAMBRIDGE: I´m sure I´ve seen that on a T-shirt.
Look, I´m sorry.
Just trying to be friendly.
You have to relate to some pretty weird people in this job.
Sometimes it requires a bit of effort.
Well, maybe that´s why I´m beginning to think it´s not the job for me.
You´re thinking of getting out? Do you want to talk about it? CAMBRIDGE: No.
We´ll have that drink another time.
Better believe it.
Where are they taking her? MAN: Down to the local nick.
CAMBRIDGE: They´re not charging her, are they? MAN: Nah, just going to rattle her cage a bit.
Can I order a taxi for Middleton, please? - WOMAN: Certainly.
- CAMBRIDGE: You know that maid? They´ve taken her down to the local nick, can you believe it? She owns up to losing her passkey, and gets a going over.
CRABBE: It´s not our patch.
Not our problem.
An hotel full of policemen and that´s the best we can come up with? CRABBE: Good night.
Nicola, how are we doing on table 5? NICOLA: They´ve just ordered dessert.
MARGARET: Thank God.
Tell Steve it´s top priority.
NICOLA: Right, two treacle tarts for table 5, please, Steve.
- STEVE: Pie here, John.
- JOHN: Great.
Liver and bacon? STEVE: Yeah, it´s on its way, look.
My treacle tarts first, there are punters waiting for table 5.
Look, I can´t stop in the middle of doing liver, now can I? - Hello, Chef.
- NICOLA: Hi.
CRABBE: Hello.
Hey, Crabbe, have you got one moment? CRABBE: No, Henderson, no.
HENDERSON: I want to talk to you about sharing out the tips.
CAMBRIDGE: Look, Henderson HENDERSON: I don´t think it´s right.
CRABBE: Not now.
What´s he on about? NICOLA: I think Henderson´s angling for a bigger share of the tips.
JOHN: Over my dead body.
WOMAN: I´m hungry.
How much longer have we got to wait? MARGARET: I´m so sorry about that.
I promise you your table will be ready in 10 minutes´ time.
So, in the meantime, please would you accept another drink on the house? Thank you so much.
CRABBE: What´s going on? We´re busy, that´s what´s going on.
Good God, Margaret, are you doing double sittings now? Look, Henry, those people rang, booked a table for 8:30, then someone else rang and said they wanted to eat earlier Yes, all right, we´ll talk about it later.
And what´s this? Three course dinner, 11.
99.
Henry, I put the prices up.
Right.
Are you all right, Steve? STEVE: Yeah, fine.
I´ve done most of the main courses now.
CRABBE: Good man.
Well, I´m going to put the meat for tomorrow´s pies in to marinade.
Steve, where´s the rump and kidneys for tomorrow? Oh.
MAN: Crabbe, it´s Plummer here.
Did you want more rump and ox kidneys for the weekend? Better let me know by the end of the day, so I can put some to one side.
Cheers.
MARGARET: Oh, Henry, I am sorry.
I thought I´d listened to all the messages.
Damn machine.
Can´t you call him tomorrow? Tomorrow´s Saturday.
He may not have saved us any.
Didn´t you hear what he said on the oh, never mind.
Most important, will you please, please, please not double All right, I agree, that was a bad idea.
But, Henry, I am not putting prices down.
We´ve had people here tonight from Oxford, London, all over the place.
CRABBE: Margaret, it won´t last.
MARGARET: It might.
And if it doesn´t, then I´ll put the prices down.
Freddy Fisher´s thinking of taking early retirement, you know.
MARGARET: What´s that got to do with anything? CRABBE: Well, if he does, I might be able to.
MARGARET: All the more reason to be business-like here with you hanging around on half a pension.
PARRISH: Okay, there is one information pack per group.
Inside you will find a map, a map reading compass, a list of grid references and the psychological profile of a fictional suspect.
Based on that profile, you must deduce which of the locations is the suspect´s most likely hiding place.
And yes, there is a prize for the team that finds him first.
Okay, off you go.
I´m sure you both know what to do, more than me.
WOMAN: Oh yeah, we´ll be fine.
I´ve done loads and loads of orienteering.
And I think we should start over there with the church.
You can see the spire above those trees, look.
CRABBE: May I see the map for a moment, please? WOMAN: Do you want to check the bearing? Crabbe No, no, no, wouldn´t dream of it.
Ah, yes now, that must be the hotel so we are here.
Yes.
Good, right off we go, then.
I´ll be right behind you.
CONNOLLY: It´s just down here.
CAMBRIDGE: No, that can´t be right.
Look at how close these contour lines are together.
They´re practically vertical.
CONNOLLY: I disagree.
CAMBRIDGE: With a stream at the bottom.
MAN: Can we just get on with it? I thought this exercise was supposed to be about teamwork.
CONNOLLY: I was on the West Midlands Orienteering team.
CAMBRIDGE: Yes, so you keep telling us.
MAN: Look, all I want to know is how much bloody further?! CAMBRIDGE: Did you see who that was? MAN: No.
That was the maid from the hotel and the boy who was with the Fantasy Software group.
He was hanging around outside our rooms the afternoon we were burgled.
CONNOLLY: Fantasy Software checked out first thing this morning.
CAMBRIDGE: Well, what was he doing on our floor?! Hello? CRABBE: Steve, did Plummer get the steak and kidney? No, all I could get was mince.
Mince?! Yeah, 15 pounds of minced beef, that´s all Plummer had so I told him to bring it round.
Oh, God, well, we´ll just have to do cottage pie, then.
We´ll have to do it as soon as possible, do you mind that? No, that´s all right, Chef.
Sweat some onions in butter and oil.
Salt no, no, don´t use salt, use some of that anchovy sauce towards the end.
Don´t worry, Chef, I can do it.
And keep it simmering during the afternoon, and who knows, we might just get away with it.
All right, Chef.
Okay, bye.
But I don´t mind about exams, I actually quite like them.
PARRISH: Right, now this is the Lloyd Richards questionnaire a test for defining psychological types based on Jungian theories.
Answer A or B to all 85 questions.
Do not write your names on the form.
We will identify your form from the number on the top.
These are strictly confidential and will be returned to you after your debriefing with me tomorrow.
FISHER: Good work, Sergeant.
CAMBRIDGE: Thank you, sir.
FISHER: Ah.
You may begin.
- Good evening, Mr.
Crabbe.
- CRABBE: Hello, Nicola.
MARGARET: Hello, Pie in the Sky.
Oh, I´m sorry, we don´t have a table at all tonight.
But try again soon.
Thank you, bye.
Hello, Henry.
We´re fully booked on Wednesday night.
CRABBE: Have you thought about upstairs? We could always get a card table in the bath.
Put a couple of punters either end.
MARGARET: Very funny.
CRABBE: I did something rather impulsive today.
MARGARET: Oh? Yes, we were doing these psychological tests, you know, and I swapped my papers with Fisher´s.
MARGARET: Why ever did you do that? CRABBE: Well, you know I told you Fisher was thinking about taking early retirement.
Well, I thought it just might tip the balance.
You know, if they assessed him on the basis of my personality, not his.
Good, eh? MARGARET: It´s terrible.
Poor man.
Nicola.
Oh, God, it´s not still cooking, is it? STEVE: I wasn´t able to start it until gone three.
CRABBE: It will have to reduce much more.
STEVE: This machine is really playing up.
CRABBE: Have we got any more of this anchovy sauce? All right, all right.
STEVE: Look, I´ll need it for the leek and carrot soup.
Well, you´ll just have to go upstairs and get the old one, won´t you? Can I have a quick word, Mr.
Crabbe? CRABBE: Yes, John.
JOHN: I´d just like to say that if you´re giving Henderson a larger share of the tips, they should be coming out of Nicola´s share, not mine.
CRABBE: John.
JOHN: Don´t get me wrong, Nicola is doing very, very well, but she´s still learning.
I´ve got so much more experience than her.
I´ve worked at the Savoy Hotel, the Hyde Park Hotel CRABBE: John, John JOHN: Langan´s, I mean you can´t say that´s not a bad C.
V.
Yes, no, John, look, Henderson is not getting any more money.
The arrangement is staying exactly the same as it always was, and whilst I yield to no one in my admiration of your C.
V.
, I notice that you didn´t mention the Knebditch International Hotel and Conference Centre which is where you were working when I first met you.
- JOHN: Yes, well.
- CRABBE: Yeah, well.
Evening, all.
MAN: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Are you ready to order, gentlemen? MAN: She´s so gorgeous, I can´t speak.
MEN: Ooh! Dutton, table for one.
MAN: You´ve upset her now.
MAN: I love ´em upset.
Look at her sulky face.
MARGARET: John? JOHN: Let me have that.
MAN: Good evening.
Would you like some more time to decide? MAN: Look, I earn 60K a year.
I´ve got a five series BMW and three Armani suits.
How can you deny yourself the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of going out with me? Tell you what, I´ll come back when you´ve finished, all right? MAN: Finished what? NICOLA: Puberty.
ALL: Ooh! Right, here´s the menu and the wine list, sir.
Can I get you something to drink? MAN: A bottle of still mineral water please, no ice, no lemon.
NICOLA: Right.
MAN: Don´t go, I´ll order now.
I don´t see the famous steak and kidney pie.
It´s off the menu, I´m afraid, sir.
The butcher let us down.
There´s cottage pie instead.
Cottage pie? You´ll never guess who´s out there on table 3.
CRABBE: Who? JOHN: Giles Dutton.
Giles Dutton? Who´s he? JOHN: Giles Dutton is the most important food critic in the country.
CRABBE: Oh, God, that´s all we need.
Another rave review.
NICOLA: One cottage, one broad beans and one carrots, please, for table 3.
STEVE: Nicola, do you know who that is? Who, that gloomy geezer on his own? JOHN: Giles Dutton.
NICOLA: Is it Far out.
Who´s he? JOHN: Oh, I give up.
Come on, darling! Just one more! ALL: Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting? Here we go, here we go, here we go Here we go, here we go, here we go Come on, Steve, where are my soups? I´m doing them, for crying out loud.
JOHN: Giles Dutton´s pie ready yet? CRABBE: In a minute.
NICOLA: Hey, he´s on my table! JOHN: Come on, Nicola, I served him at Langan´s.
- He knows me.
- NICOLA: So what? JOHN: So I can chat him up a little bit, put him at ease.
CRABBE: Steve? NICOLA: I see, first you want to take my tips and now you want to take my customers.
Steve, don´t forget You´re getting a little paranoid, aren´t you, Nicola? The fact of the matter is To put the lid on.
STEVE: Sorry.
CRABBE: Henderson, do me a favor.
HENDERSON: Here we go.
Got your grub, chief.
Listen.
I´m not really a waiter, by the way.
The name´s Henderson, I grow the veg.
You see that pie? The mash, that´s my King Edward´s.
And the slices of new on top, that´s a French variety I´m experimenting with, it´s called Cornichon.
Would you like a beer? Hmm.
Only when you come to write us up, perhaps you can mention me? It´s Hen-der-son.
That´s H-E Right, who´s having the soup? MAN: Oh dear, silly me.
- Can I get you another fork? - ALL: Ooh! - MAN: You stupid cow.
- NICOLA: Shut up.
HENDERSON: Oi, matey, watch your language.
MAN: You mad bitch! Didn´t you hear what I said? NICOLA: You stupid prat! Henderson.
MAN: That´s telling him, mate! That´s enough! Don´t even think about it.
Do you know what that is? It´s a warrant card, it says "Old Bill.
" Now I want you and your friends to sling your hooks and go out of here immediately or I will have you nicked and charged with whatever appeals to my lurid imagination.
All right, now go.
- STEVE: Chef? - CRABBE: Yes, Steve? STEVE: Have you tried the pie? CRABBE: What? Good grief.
Anchovy sauce.
Ladies and gentlemen, things haven´t gone as smoothly tonight as they otherwise might have done.
And so I hope you will feel able to accept our apologies, and, of course, dinner is on the house, with our compliments, thank you.
MARGARET: Henry, how could you? PARRISH: Now then, your personality profile.
Your type is very common in organizations like the police force conformist, easily led, dependent on rigid hierarchy for security, but not usually in such an extreme form.
Perhaps that´s why you have risen no higher than Inspector.
CRABBE: Yes.
I´ve often wondered why that was.
Yes, well, you see the deep-seated fear of anything to do with imagination or creativity, the mistrust of, well, any kind of emotion whatsoever.
I must ask you, have you ever thought of undergoing some form of therapy? WOMAN: Will Mr.
Harwich Bostson please go to reception? Will Mr.
Bostson Harwich please go to reception? CAMBRIDGE: Well? CRABBE: Fascinating.
You? CAMBRIDGE: Well, he asked me what "Sophia" meant and I said, "She who goes forth into the world armed.
" He said, "I couldn´t have put it better myself.
" Assessing your questionnaire was a source of great pleasure to Kevin and myself.
Really? PARRISH: Yes, you see, your personality type is very rare.
I like to call it the "artist warrior.
" What makes it so rare is the potent blend of intelligence, creativity and discipline.
I see.
PARRISH: There is a downside, of course.
A rebellious streak, which can become over-dominant.
Sometimes the artist warrior finds that the world does not live up to his own high standards and turns away from it and may seek solace in cynicism, or physical gratification food, wine, sex.
Spectacular success or spectacular failure there´s no half measure with the artist warrior.
Really? PARRISH: Of course, you have already achieved a great deal.
I would say you have nothing to worry about.
You are a man who is perfectly in tune with himself.
There´s no limit to what you might achieve in the future.
FISHER: I must say, I had my doubts about this weekend, but when all´s said and done, I thought it was extremely useful.
CAMBRIDGE: I agree, sir.
Really restored my appetite for the job.
CAMBRIDGE: Exactly, sir.
What about you, Crabbe? CRABBE: Not very impressed actually, sir.
FISHER: What´s up, Crabbe? Didn´t like your personality profile? CRABBE: May I ask what they said about yours, sir? Oh, nothing I didn´t know about already.
All right, Henry, I´m sorry.
I went too far.
You were right, I was wrong.
No more double bookings.
No more answering machines.
Now will you please cheer up.
It´s not you, Margaret.
I know you were only trying to do your best.
Look Mr.
Crabbe, we´d just like to say that we´re really sorry about Saturday night.
And that all the sort of problems with Nicola and about the money, it´s all been sorted.
Yeah, we did get a bit out of order, but we´ve had a chat and there won´t be any more aggro from now on, okay? STEVE: Yeah, and sorry about the butcher, Chef.
And the anchovy sauce.
CRABBE: Stop All these apologies are making me suspicious.
And we think you should know that Giles Dutton´s written a review of Pie in the Sky.
CRABBE: "My Nightmare Dinner.
" "I´m still convinced the evening was an elaborate practical joke.
"I looked hard but I couldn´t spot the hidden cameras.
"The staff occasionally stopped brawling with the customers, "but only so they could throw food at them.
"As a result, "my cottage pie, of which much less later, "was brought to the table by a bizarre character "straight from the pages "of one of the more depressing Russian novels.
"This gothic troll, wild-eyed, wild-haired, "face streaked with grime, "and hands encased in fetishistic pink rubber gloves "sat at my table uninvited and lectured me "on the dangers of liquid manure.
"Then he too joined the punch-up that was raging on the other side of the restaurant.
" Oi, Crabbe? Do you fancy one of these or not? MARGARET: Oh, dear.
I suppose it´s back to square one, then.
CRABBE: Thank God.