Pinky and the Brain (1995) s03e31 Episode Script

Dangerous Brains

Gee, brain, What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky-- Try to take over the world.
they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain one is a genius the other's insane they're laboratory mice their genes have been spliced they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun they'll take over the world they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain their twilight campaign is easy to explain to prove their mousey worth they'll overthrow the earth they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain Narf! warner bros.
Pinky: ha ha ha ha ha! Whoo! Ha ha ha! Whee! Narf! Ooh, i wonder if this is what canada's like.
Yes, pinky.
Canada is 6 feet long, And covered in a delicate sprinkling of chalk.
Ooh, really? No.
Ha ha! You're playing with my head.
Fun, fun, silly willy.
So, what's our big plan for tonight, brain? Are you patronizing me? Um, yes? No? Yo? Pinky, do you even know the definition Of the word patronize? Uh, define definition.
What the word means.
Oh, of course, brain! All right.
Use patronize in a sentence.
Uh, this toilet has been patronized For your protection? That's sanitized.
I know, but i don't work blue, brain.
Fair enough.
Now leave me be while i put the final touches On our next plan to take over the world.
According to the farmer's almanac, The earth will experience a lunar eclipse on june 8th.
According to entertainment tonight, Larry linville and brian doyle murray Turn 63 today! Happy birthday, boys! Observe.
I have altered this magnet For the purposes of this demonstration.
The real apparatus will be thousands of times larger.
Now, during the lunar eclipse, I shall magnetically harness the moon to the earth, Giving me complete control over its rotation.
Pinky, throw that ball bearing up in the air.
Narf! That ball bearing represents the moon.
I am the earth.
The lamp is the sun.
And i shall control the amount of sunlight The earth will receive at any given time.
Get it? Absolutely! Not.
Once i control the earth's sunlight-- Aah! Aah! I will become the most powerful being in the milky way, Which by default makes me--Yaah! A big chewy nougat? Yes, pinky.
That's what i was going to say.
Ha ha! I'm learning! Yes.
Either that or i'm completely wiped.
Now come.
To succeed in our plan, We must create a super-Conductive hydromagnetic beam Inside that mechanically modified aquatic tank.
Whoosh! Right over my little mousey head, brain.
Quiet.
To create the ultra-Electromagnetic induction, I must place millions of tiny magnets At the bottom of the tank.
Whoosh! Stee-Rike 2.
Now, each tiny magnet costs 2.
5 cents.
One million at 2.
5, plus tax, Comes to a total of what? Stee-Rike 3! I'm out.
$25,963.
13.
I have just under 3 bucks.
Pinky, what do you have on you right now? Brut for men.
And not a penny to your name? No.
But i smell great! So we're broke.
Where can we get $25,000 quickly? Bake sale? Nah.
Magazine drive? Nope.
Sell our bodies for lab experiments? Oh, no, wait.
We've done that.
Yes, always.
Well, maybe we could get a job.
Wait.
Get a job.
Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering? I think so, brain, But zero mostel times anything Will still give you zero mostel.
No, pinky.
I'll get a job.
With my intellect, I should have no problem landing a ceo position In a major corporation that pays $25,000 a week Post taxes.
Look at all these jobs.
Now to find the highest-Paying one That i can land.
Pinky: how's that batter coming, brain? Oh, who cares? On our salaries, We'll be lucky if we have 25 grand By the time the sister sister twins Apply for medicare.
Hello, sir.
Welcome to hot dog on a hot dog.
How may i help you on this hot diggity-Dog day? Uh, yeah.
I'll have me a hot dog on a hot dog And a hot dog on a hot dog, hold the hot dog.
The first one or the second one? Don't matter.
And give me another hot dog on a hot dog And another hot dog.
On a hot dog? No.
So that's a hot dog on a hot dog, A hot dog on a hot dog, hold the hot dog, A hot dog on a hot dog, and a hot dog.
Dang! You smart.
You ever teach high school? Are you patronizing me? Uh, i--Uh patronizing, huh? That's a pretty big word, mister.
A fella like you should be teaching school.
You're telling me, my gustatorial philanthropist.
Whoa! Slow down, wordsmith.
You're bowlin' me over with your many jargons.
And i'm a high school principal.
You can't be serious.
You bet your boots i am.
And we have an opening for a teacher.
The last one disappeared under strange circumstances.
Ooh! What happened? It's hard to explain If you don't understand the meat-Packing industry, But, man, it was funny.
Ha ha ha! So, uh, you want that job teaching? What's it pay? $26,000 a year.
It's a deal! Quiet, pinky.
I'm the business representative In this organization.
It's a deal.
Pinky: ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! A shining good morning, pinky.
Brain, is that you? Of course, my friend, But from now on, Call me by my high school teaching alias, Mr.
Brainzlowski.
Well, mr.
, uh brainzlowski.
Sure.
I made you a sack lunch For your first day of school.
Why, pinky, i'm touched.
And a little scared.
What's in the bag? Tiny little ketchup packs.
They make the sack taste that much better.
Pinky, since your level of intelligence Seems to rival that Of the average party magician abra-Macabra-Kazoo! Why don't you better yourself And enroll at thadeus mumphries high Where i've become employed? Who's thadeus mumphries? Well, according to my employment packet, Thadeus mumprhies was a circus monkey.
His claim to fame was an act In which children were invited To cover him in chocolate.
Oh.
And they named a high school after him? Well, apparently he was also A highly regarded mathematician.
[Punk rock music playing] Aah! Finkel! Hobart! Put down the shop building! No, miller! Stop, drop, and roll! Aw, somebody put out the gym.
A pleasant good morning to you, principal bruhn.
Ready for action, brainzlowski? Ready and rarin' to go.
Where are my students? In cell block "h.
" Is that what they call my classroom? No, they're really in prison, But i'm giving you a different group.
You'll find them in room tendy-Ten.
Good luck.
Thank you, principal bruhn for helping me in my quest To take over the world! [Talking and shouting] Get your stinkin' hands off of me! Hey, man, let go of my new leather jacket.
Top of the morning, students.
I'm your new teacher mr.
Brainzlowski.
Hey, this guy's tiny.
[Shouting] What, no apple? Ah, applesauce.
Even better.
[Loud music plays] Class: * pinkhead, pinkhead * the classroom's gonna change pinkhead, pinkhead this new kid is awful strange narf zort narf zort narf zort narf zort well, don'tcha know that he's a pro who makes the teacher mad? pinkhead Who are you, And what are you doing in this classroom? Peace, brother man.
I'm a new transfer student From acme poly tech.
The name's jergen pinkhead.
Well, jergen, Quit with the buffoonery and take a seat.
Where should i take it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Narf! May i remind you, mr.
Pinkhead, That this is a classroom, not a music hall.
[Music stops] Ha ha! The music's taking a nap.
Now, sit.
All right, class, Now that i have your attention, Let's start with mathematics.
Who can tell me something about arithmetic? Tyrone spellbinder.
Uh is that, like, when you open up a book And, uh, like, read a story about a man who, like, Finds some old monkey paw? No, that would be reading.
Class: ohh! Arithmetic.
Anyone else? Hector papadopolis? Um, is that, like, when you put a pointy thing in your hand And push it on a paper, Blue stuff comes out, and you tell some story About this man who finds some old monkey paw? No, that would be writing.
Class: ohh! We're talking about arithmetic.
Arith-Metic.
Anyone? Oh, boy.
Pinky: oh, oh! Jergen pinkhead.
Um is it when you, like, hit a ball That's on a string around a pole? That's tetherball! Look, people, it's not that hard.
Arithmetic! It's when you add up numbers.
Class: no! Yes! [Bell rings] Don't, ok? Whatever it is, Just don't.
[Brakes screech] No, no.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
How many times must i tell you, hector, There is no "s" in the word "the.
" [Horn honks] [Shouting and whistling] See ya on the rebound, squaresville.
Bye-Bye.
Zort! Young man, where do you think you're going? To hang out in the parking lot of a corner strip mall For no apparent reason.
It's a school night.
But, brain, i thought this school charade Was just a ruse to help us take over the world.
It is, pinky, But my salary depends upon student performance, Which means i don't get paid If you and your classmates don't improve.
Brain, your first paycheck.
[Giggles] It's all flappy whappy.
Hey, come on! Let's go! Gotta run, daddy-O.
No, pinky.
It's time for a little teacher-Parent Co-Conspirator conference.
Sit down, mister.
I'm afraid your behavior of late has been abominable.
Like a snowman? What? Like the abominable snowman? With my corncob nose and button-- Pipe? This is exactly what i'm talking about.
Your patented brand of hilarious chicanery Has no place in my classroom, Because, "a," it's disruptive to me, "B," it's disruptive to you, "C," it's disruptive to the students-- Um, "g," all of the above? My point is that you have the ability to do the work.
You're not applying yourself.
Hey, man, look! You don't own me! I'm not your son! I'm not your scatterbrained sidekick! I'm--Oh, wait.
Well, i am the last one.
Sorry.
But i can't take this grief, man! I'm outta here! Wait, pinky, come back! I don't have time for these shenanigans.
I have to take over the world! And grade some papers.
Aagghh! I bet gabe kaplan would've handled that differently.
Well, let's see how much money i've cleared And find out how soon i can quit this job.
Come on, baby.
Daddy needs a new hydroelectric magnet.
I've made the rough approximation of bus fare.
It's going to be a long semester.
[Bell rings] Come on, move it! The first bell has rung.
Get to class.
Let's go! Brain: you! "V"! W-X-Y-Z! Ha ha! You think you're so smart, huh? What's your next stumper? You said it would be easy.
You said i'd make money.
$26,000.
Well, where's my money now? Listen, brainzlowski, if you want more money, You're gonna have to earn it.
How, pray tell? Feast your glossies on this.
"The board of education will award a $25,000 fellowship To the best teacher in the city.
" Yes! Mr.
Bruhn, when i'm done teaching my pupils, That check for 25,000 will be made out to me, Mr.
Brainzlowski! Right.
Long as i don't have to figure out How to spell your name.
Brain: look, people, it's not that hard.
Your education and my plans for world conquest Are riding on this! One more time.
A-B "g"! A-B "d.
" No! A-B "c.
" Pinkhead! Top of the morning, mr.
Brainzlowski.
You're back.
When you didn't show up for class this morning, I thought maybe something terrible had happened.
Something bad did happen.
I was throwing away the only chance I've ever had for an education.
Narf! Class: wow! Pinky, that's brilliant.
Where did you come up with this revelation? Uh, define revelation.
Well, no matter.
I'm just glad to see you safe and back in school.
[Cheering] Hey, everybody, what say we give mr.
B A second chance to show us what we should already know? Whatever you say, jergen.
You got it, pinkhead.
Both: let's do some learnin'! [Class cheering] Brainzlowski, your kids have really shaped up.
They're actually learnin', so this is for you.
Congratulations.
I won? That's right.
The board chose you as the best teacher in the city.
Mwah! Yes! Not only that, The school's throwin' a big party in your honor.
That's really not necessary.
Oh, we insist.
The entire student body will be there.
It's on june 8th, so mark your calendar.
No.
June 8th.
That's the night of the lunar eclipse.
So? Well, i have big plans that night.
I couldn't possibly attend.
No party, no checky.
Comprendey? A party for me.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
So to speak.
How can i attend a party the same night of the eclipse And still take over the world? Oh, p-Shaw, brain.
Simple.
Don't use the tank out back to harness the moon, Use the high school swimming pool.
That's brilliant, pinky.
Of course, you'll need to run around like sally field In another mind-Bending episode of gidget.
A small price to pay for global conquest! Brain: and in conclusion, I'd like to thank all of my students For the hard work you've put in this year.
You are an inspiration to me.
[Cheering] And now, let's party down.
[Music plays] Nice speech, brainzlowski.
Thank you, principal bruhn.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go use the rest room and take over the world.
Ok.
Just remember to wash your hands! Yes! The moon is waxing toward full eclipse, But where in heavens is pinky With my 26 grand worth of magnets? Ha ha ha ha! Whoo! Ha ha! Come on, pinkhead.
[Pops popcorn song] Hey! Hey! [Gasps] Hey! What's with all the thievery? Hey, man, i pilfered not.
Besides, i'm missin' my many fillings.
Give it back! Yeah! You calling me a liar? [Shouting] Made it, brain.
Quick! While i place these magnets At the bottom of the pool, You go down to the dance and stand lookout.
Brain, brain! Tyrone and hector are fighting! They might kill each other! Who cares, pinky? My work here is done.
Hey, look what i can do.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! But, brain, these are my friends And your students.
This is their future.
If you don't stop them now, They'll be expelled.
They'll never graduate.
Hmm, who gives a hooey? Heh heh.
You do, brain.
You taught us about education And responsibility.
Remember, a mind is a terrible waste of space.
[Sighs] you're right, pinky.
The last thing i want Is to take over a world full of stupid boobs.
I suppose the world can wait a few more seconds.
Hoorah! Narf! Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just make this quick.
[Shouting] Hey! Cut it out! You're going to be expelled! You want to be stupid For the rest of your lives?! Did that sound harsh, pinky? A little bit, brain.
What i meant to say was, um, Don't be a fool, stay in school! [Cheering] Ahh! The power of poetry.
Aah! The moon is falling! The moon is falling! Um, oh, here's one.
Uh, don't be in fear, the moon ain't so near.
Wanna bet? Aah! Aah! Uhh! This endless string of failures Is becoming redundant.
Pinky: "teacher of the year saves planet, Then mysteriously vanishes.
" Narf, brain! You're a huge celebrity.
Yes, pinky, but you, my friend, Are something even more impressive-- A high school graduate.
[Sighs] And i am not.
Well, i couldn't have done it Without your guidance, brain.
And now you're probably a real genius.
With that high school diploma of yours, You'll probably take over the world lickety-Split.
Brain, are you patronizing me? Why, yes, pinky, i am.
That's ok, brain.
I'm patronizing you, too.
Ha! Touche, pinky.
So, my highly educated chum, What do you want to do tomorrow night? Same thing we do every night, brain-- Both: try to take over the world! they're dinky, they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain, brain warner bros.
Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org--