Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Heidi. Heidi.
Bumper Allen.
You are being deported
by the German government.
Ahh!
You guys are all here.
I had a nightmare about being deported.
It wasn't a nightmare.
You were having a recap.
This is your official
Abschiebungsbefehl.
Obviously, it is totally,
but you should probably
explain it for Heidi.
It's your official deportation notice.
It says you have to leave
the country in six hours.
Also, happy German Unity Day.
How did this even happen?
You didn't apply for your work visa.
Not to ladle another turd
dumpling into the crap soup,
but this means you can't
perform at Unity Day
since it's after the
deportation deadline.
If you try, you will get arrested.
I was getting used to a routine.
Heidi buys pastries,
Pieter whines that
you are his only hope,
we prod you to be a better person,
and we have fun in the process.
No.
The old Bumper would be crying
in a clean dumpster right now,
but I am not turning myself in.
I am getting my moment in the spotlight.
I wanna take it all in and wonder,
can a spotlight give you a sunburn?
How does light work?
It doesn't matter.
We gotta get creative right now,
figure out a "solush."
Because I'm not leaving without a fight.
Maybe maybe we could just explain
our situation and ask for a
visa extension at the Rathaus.
Yes, Heidi, the Rathaus.
The Rathaus? Okay.
Well, this will be easy.
Chuck E. Cheese is a friend.
Oh, you're right.
We should all give it one more try.
Well, we don't have that much time.
You have a costume fitting in an hour,
so let's see what we can do.
And in the meantime, let's keep
all of this information quiet.
Okay. Let's go.
Also, maybe we shouldn't tell anyone
that I sleep in my pants
and my shoes like a fireman.
Why are we nervous?
It's our dad.
He can't still be mad at us.
Just just be cool.
Oh, scoot over.
You know how much he
enjoys negative space.
Right, because it
reflects the emptiness
Of the human soul.
- Good call.
- Thank you.
- Klaus!
- Hi there!
- My man.
- You big guy.
What is the meaning of this call?
You're disturbing me.
Okay. We'll make it quick.
My client, Bumper,
whom you may remember,
is, unfortunately, being
threatened with deportation.
Can you make some calls?
You have friends in
the government, right?
Of course I have friends
in the government.
Who do you think tipped them off?
Wait, you got Bumper deported?
After Bumper made me
angry walking off my set,
I vowed to get back at him,
and there is nothing my children can do.
Nothing.
How do how do I get off?
I don't want to be here.
God. He really is a dick.
Hello.
This is Bumper Allen, and he would like
to apply for a visa extension.
I really want to help you.
Okay. Then do.
But if you're beyond your 90 days,
my hands are tied.
In Germany, paperwork is
king, and I'm but a loyal serf.
Except on the weekends,
then it's just Hilda being Hilda.
There's nothing you
can do? Are you serious?
I'm German.
Of course I'm serious.
I can't believe this might
be my last day in Berlin.
I freaking love this place.
The parks, the high-calorie street food.
Most of all, I love that it
made me my favorite version
of myself by far.
I don't want you to go.
Since you got here,
my world has been a lot brighter.
The hell are you gonna
do back in America, huh?
Just go off and be
friends with people named
Brittany or Luke or something?
Stupid.
I am so sorry.
I messed everything up.
Don't apologize.
You didn't mess anything up.
You know, watching you has
made me want to get out of my own way
so I can be up there someday.
Being around you has
taught me to be brave enough
to step into my own shoes.
What do you say, for old time's sake?
I mean, of course.
Sit next to me.
Oh.
This might be the last
time our butts touch.
- That is so sad.
- Hmm.
So what should we sing?
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
or "Walking on Sunshine, '
but we scream "not" at
the start of every chorus.
If you are leaving
here a broken dreamer,
I have just the song.
Just look at you ♪
Sitting there ♪
You never looked better than tonight ♪
I actually don't know the words.
And it'd be so easy ♪
To tell you I'd stay ♪
Like I've done so many times ♪
Don't fall in love with a dreamer ♪
'Cause he'll always take you in ♪
Just when you think
you've really changed him ♪
He'll leave you again ♪
Don't fall in love with a dreamer ♪
'Cause he'll break you every time ♪
Oh, put out the light ♪
Just hold on ♪
Before we say goodbye ♪
Thank you.
Obviously, all the romantic stuff
was just written by Kenny.
Was there romantic stuff in that song?
I just thought it was
about doors and lights
and stuff.
Hey, get away from my piano.
Okay.
If you don't want us to play the piano,
just don't leave the piano.
Is that even his piano?
I hope Pieter and Thea had more success.
Great. You're here.
Well, try some costume options.
The Unity Day committee over
there will approve the look,
and we will be off to the races.
Assume the position, please.
Okay.
Well, you don't need to stand like that.
Oh.
It must mean something
different in America.
I'm sorry we're late.
Okay. We got a big failure.
- We totally botched the
- Pieter.
This is the Unity Day costumer.
And over there are the members
of the Unity Day committee.
Of course.
Oh, we are excited to get
Bumper dressed up for a big event
with absolutely no other
complications whatsoever.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Any luck at the Rathaus?
No. And what are you doing?
I'm smiling.
So any luck with Klaus?
No. In fact, he's the one
that got the government
to boil your spaetzle.
D'oh! Klaus!
Also, what is a spaetzle?
Oh, it's a homemade noodle.
I'm gonna call Klaus
back and tell him off.
And, oh, my face hurts.
It must be exhausting to
be a nice person or a wolf.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
so many blueberry muffins
stealing half of my spotlight.
What next?
You're going to steal my Unity Day look?
I hope not because I
can't pull off white.
It washes me out.
Gisela, excuse us a minute.
Oh, no problem.
I'll just cease to exist for 60 seconds.
Okay.
We need to talk.
You have been doing squats.
Several thousand a day. Yes.
I think I know how to save
you from being deported.
What?
You have to marry Thea.
Marry Thea?
Seeing Gisela's white
dress, it just clicked.
If you marry a citizen,
you can stay in the country.
Okay.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but Thea and I are not in love.
Is this what you want me to do?
It is if it keeps you in Germany.
How long would we have
to pretend to be a couple?
What happens if I fall
in love with somebody else
or I already am? Never mind.
I mean, would Thea even go for this?
She once called me "Mr. Potato Head
if he couldn't grow that mustache."
Thea, do you wanna marry Bumper
so he can stay in the country?
Sure.
You'd do this for me even
though we're not in love?
I'm an anarchist, and I hate my dad.
Those feelings are
as legitimate as love.
Well, let's get you guys married
and get you to the stage!
Okay. Yeah.
I guess there's no other option.
What every girl wants to
hear in her wedding day.
Oh, great.
This is gonna be great.
Let's go.
Go. Okay, let's go! Yes, run, run, run!
We'll go back to the Rathaus
and get you married before the concert.
But we have to make it look real
so they don't think
we're committing fraud.
Bumper's in day-old pants,
and Thea looks like
she's two wheels short
of motorcycle cosplay.
I know who can help.
Ursula.
Where's your lost and found?
My armoire is your armoire.
Please.
Oh, Thea.
You look so beautiful.
How do you feel about your big day?
Are you nervous at all?
A little.
Oh, well
you can borrow my Dove deodorant.
It keeps me from getting
the nervous sweats
when I pretend to be a
guest at a fancy hotel
to use their bathroom.
I feel excited to destroy my father
and make a mockery of the German state.
Are you okay?
I know I suggested all this,
but it didn't feel real until right now.
And well, I
I think Bumper will make a good husband.
Yeah. He seems like the type
to announce blueberry pancakes,
but then have none of the ingredients,
so you end up eating stale toast,
but the sentiment was there, you know?
Yeah. He's not my type.
If the temperature of
a cave was a person,
that's my type.
Yeah. That makes sense.
I'm kind of the opposite.
Thank you for being my maid of honor
and my friend.
My other friends are exactly like me,
and it can get tedious.
I like seeing the
world through your eyes.
Well, thank you for showing me
that somebody like you
could like somebody like me.
Come on.
Seriously, you have taught me
to be more confident and more myself.
Ugh. I cannot wait to tell
my middle school bullies
that I have a cool friend.
Luckily, they're all selling
essential oils on Facebook,
so they're super easy to find.
Okay.
Now for the final touch.
Horns under the lace or poking through?
I can't believe an hour ago,
I was mentally packing my socks,
and now I'm getting married to Thea.
This is so crazy.
But you know, I've come so far.
The new Bumper doesn't
back down from a fight.
Man, my client and my best friend
is going to be my brother? Wow.
The rest of the world
might still hate me,
but I don't care because I
have you and you have my sister.
Did you just call me your
best friend and brother?
I did.
I got you.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, my God.
Christmases are gonna be so fun.
Oh. Yes, they are.
You know who we should invite?
- Who?
- To Christmas?
Heidi.
So she's not, like, out in the cold
with her cute little nose
pressed against the frosted glass,
like, "Please, sir,
may I have some porridge?"
Okay, so speaking as your new brother,
it seems pretty clear
that you love Heidi.
Okay, what?
- Ja.
- Ja.
Ja. Ja.
Is it that obvious?
Oh, very obvious. Yes.
You stare at her a lot.
Well, I'm just trying to
memorize every strand of her hair.
But whatever, it was her idea
for me to get married to Thea anyway,
so she obviously doesn't love me.
At least this way, I
get to stay in Berlin
and be around Heidi. Right?
Right.
I didn't hear what you guys were saying.
I was just trying to be supportive.
So we should get going.
I'm so glad that in 1998,
a witch killed that businessman,
then disappeared, so that you two
could look so beautiful today.
We should get going, right?
- Almost there.
- Okay.
Oh, it's locked!
What the hell?
Rathaus will be closing
at noon today in observance
of German Unity Day
so that our employees
may attend the festivities.
Great.
Germany lets their government
employees celebrate holidays?
How humane.
But still, this really screws us.
Scheisse. What do we do?
Your performance is in an hour.
God!
Why must you smite me?
I did everything that you asked!
I came to Germany.
I took the bottom bunk.
I ate pickles so sour
that my balls are still
not as plump as they were.
I wore the stupid little glasses.
I went to the hospital. I wrote a song.
What more could you possibly
- we need Hilda.
- Who?
Hilda.
The nice but useless
woman that we met here.
If she's at the concert,
she can marry us.
See you later, freak out!
I got a wedding to save!
Don't let me down ♪
Don't let me down, don't let me down ♪
Don't let me down ♪
Don't let me down, don't let me down ♪
Don't let me down ♪
Ladies and gentlemen.
Next, our newcomer.
Gisela!
Quick, describe Hilda to us.
Okay. She's about my
height, brown curly hair,
'80s pink eyeshadow, and
And what?
Well, I was gonna describe her breasts,
but I'm stopping because I
think you're not supposed to.
- We have enough to go on.
- Okay.
Let's go.
I'm not just here to dance and twirl ♪
I'm my own girl boss ♪
I'm not your little girl ♪
But look out, watch
out 'cause it's my world ♪
So I will ♪
Excuse me. Sorry.
Hilda!
Excuse me.
Excuse me, assholes!
Oh, my God.
That woman was so rude. So weird.
You want me to go yell at her for you?
I'll go find her.
No beer.
I'll sing when I want to ♪
Ooh ♪
I'll sing when I want to ♪
Crap. Bumper's next. Hilda!
Biker guy.
Red beret.
Balloon lady.
None of these are Hilda.
Your sings and go off, king ♪
Less your voice has no cred ♪
Your whole head's a loaf of bread ♪
You're a corncob-looking corny fella ♪
You love milk and a cappella ♪
Don't try to sing,
just drink a gallon ♪
Milquetoast corn boy Bumper Allen ♪
Oh, God. They're after me.
- Oh!
- Oh, Excuse me.
Hilda! It's it's me.
It's Bumper.
The cutie with the booty from before.
- Ah.
- Okay.
I need a huge favor.
I wanna get married right
now. Can you help me?
In the name of unity?
I'm three lagers in and I love love,
so you know I'm game.
Ooh. Are you marrying
that cute girl you were with before?
No. A much taller, much scarier one.
Oh.
There she is. Thea!
Let's go.
I sing when I want to ♪
Okay, so it seems
that the other newcomer, Bumper Allen,
will not be performing today
Because he is in the country illegally.
Sad, but also really bad.
So that means that I
will perform another song!
Just please bear with me
as I wheel out 1,600 pounds
of human-sized cupcakes.
Okay. Hilda. Start the ceremony.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Wedding.
- Yes, it is.
Okay.
- What a strange word.
- Is it?
Not as strange as scuba but
Hilda, let's get to the point please.
- Do you, Bumper
- Yes, I do.
- Take Thea
- Yes.
To be your lawfully wedded wife
- Okay.
- To have and to hold
- Sure.
- Until death do you part?
Yes. Okay. Yes. Fine. Good.
- Great.
- And do you, Thea
This man is not allowed to perform.
He's with me.
Official Rathaus business.
Now step aside, or I'll report you
for working on a
holiday without a permit.
Thank you, Hilda. Whoo!
Hey.
Enjoy this.
It's everything you've always wanted.
Thanks.
Thank you.
I should get going.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
Thea. Hilda.
I don't want to brag,
but I still fit into the same size
giant high-heel prop shoes
that I wore in high school.
Thank you, honey.
Okay.
So now, Thea, do you take Bumper
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold
until death do you part?
- Yes. Yeah.
- Okay, good.
So now I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- Do we have to?
- No, absolutely not.
- Mm-mm.
- No.
Let's just
Hello, Berlin!
Wow, this is
this is such an honor.
But I don't really know what to say.
So I'll just sing.
Staring at the ceiling ♪
Laying wide awake ♪
In a city of strangers ♪
Who don't know my name ♪
You know what? I do know what to say.
I thought the most important thing
in the world was being a star,
the one famous person who can outshine
everyone else in every room he steps in
and every stage he steps on.
There's no such thing as just one star,
'cause every star is
part of a constellation.
So in the spirit of constellations,
I wanna give you a little treat.
There is somebody who
deserves to be up here
more than I do.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I fought tooth and nail
to get on this stage,
but this person is a beautiful artist,
an amazing friend,
and I love her.
And I know you will, too,
because it's her turn to shine.
She is gonna sing instead of me.
It's what she's always wanted.
It seems like she needs
a little convincing to get up here,
so I'm gonna need your help, okay?
When I sing,
Come and sing ♪
You sing,
Heidi ♪
Can we do that?
Yes.
Come and sing ♪
Heidi ♪
Come and sing ♪
Heidi ♪
Come and sing ♪
The last time I heard a crowd
chanting a name this powerfully,
I was kicked out of my own hometown
- for being a witch.
- Come and sing ♪
Heidi ♪
You are unbelievable.
You don't have to do
this if you don't want to.
I told you earlier.
I'm ready.
I knew you wanted to.
Have fun.
Staring at the ceiling ♪
Laying wide awake ♪
In a city of strangers ♪
Who don't know my name ♪
Everyone's trying to make it ♪
Trying to leave something ♪
That says I was here for
a minute, for a minute ♪
And I did my thing ♪
It's all in my head ♪
It's all in my heart ♪
The light always finds a
way to shine through the dark ♪
It's way too late
now for turning around ♪
I'm right at the edge,
but I'ma figure it out ♪
But they don't know my name ♪
Turn, turning into something ♪
Different than before ♪
'Cause every turn I'm
turning takes me to your door ♪
- They don't know my name ♪
- And far and away ♪
Doesn't feel so far ♪
One day I'm gonna
make it out this room ♪
I don't have nothing to lose ♪
I'll be patient 'cause
I know it's on the way ♪
But they don't know my name ♪
But if home's wherever you are ♪
Wherever you are ♪
I'm already home and
I'm right where you are ♪
Thank you so much, Berlin!
This is Heidi Miller, the
amazing singer-songwriter.
And this is DJ Das Boot,
the hottest music producer.
And of course, ladies and gentlemen,
my good friend and manager
I wouldn't be here without him
Pieter Kramer.
And he is very sorry for everything
he put Germany through.
It will never happen again.
Pieter the cheater
is now Pieter the kilometer,
because that is how big his apology is.
Oh, my God. My heart's racing.
What a show, man. What a show!
Can I have your autograph?
You realize I am not Flea
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
What's next for Bumper Allen?
Before coming to Germany,
I never thought that
this would be my life,
so I'm not even gonna try
to predict what's next.
I know what's next for me.
What?
I want to make our partnership official.
I can produce all your clients.
We can call our company
Kramer and Kramer.
I would be honored to
work with you, DJ Das Boot.
Newcomer performances
can be a bit wobbly,
but that was so entertaining.
I couldn't have done
it without my manager,
my producer, my songwriter.
Where's Heidi?
- I don't know.
- Well done.
I have to go and find Heidi.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Good luck.
Forgive me, Pieter.
I let you take the fall
for the sound machine,
and you were only trying to help me.
And
Seeing you up there throbbing
I mean, thriving
it really made me realize
what a mistake I made
putting you out of my life.
And
we were talking about
how much fun it would be
to get DSM back together.
Doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe ♪
Think about it ♪
There must be a higher love ♪
Down in the heart or
hidden in the stars above ♪
Without it ♪
Life is wasted time ♪
Look inside your heart
and I'll look inside mine ♪
I'm sorry, Gisela.
But I have a new team
now, and I moved on.
So wanted to touch base real quick
about everything that happened
and was said on stage,
particularly by me
about you.
Well, it was life-changing.
I have you to thank.
Sorry I disappeared back there.
I was just scouted by a
record label based in LA.
They love my song.
- What?
- Yeah.
Heidi, that's huge.
Yeah.
Wait, so are are you moving to LA?
'Cause that is very, very
far from here, he guessed.
I don't know.
I mean, it's everything
I've ever dreamed of.
But the question is,
will.i.am or won't.i.am?
Totally. I get that.
Believe me. I've been there.
But did you happen to "Fergie" t
about the other stuff I said?
'Cause I can repeat
it if you need me to.
I meant every word of it.
Bumper.
You better not be thinking
of running away from our sham marriage.
Oh, great. My wife's here.
Here's a list of rules
for a living in my house.
I'm very particular, and I've
got something called white mold.
It happens when ham sits
too long on your walls.
Okay. I have to move in with you?
Uh, well, yeah, of course.
You have to stay in Berlin
and sell the marriage, or else we both
are getting arrested for fraud.
Oh, and my girlfriend Ilse gets the bed.
You are on a very hard concrete pullout.
Heidi, what an epic performance.
I'm so happy for you.
Thanks.
I'm so happy for both of you.
There's my constellation.
Oh, that was an incredible day, huh?
Yeah.
I don't know what's gonna happen next,
but I am so grateful I came here.
Shit. I forgot to call about my cat.