Players (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

What's goin' on in here? - Oh, hey.
I struck a deal with Mr.
Meat Snak Stix, This new meat product.
They're gonna do their product launch here at players.
We're havin' a meat party, buddy.
Give away free meat Stix to all our customers When they're drinkin' beer.
It's gonna be great.
- Aw, come on, these kind of promotions Cheapen an establishment.
We're tryin' to make a respected brand Of the players name, not corrupt it.
- Ken, it'll be great.
Bring in new customers, create a festive atmosphere.
It's a sports bar.
- Come on, it's horrible.
Look at this thing.
The colors are garish, The mascot is an anthropomorphic feces Ejaculating out of its head.
- That's a Rorschach test for what's goin' on in here.
That's all you.
- And you've got Calvin out front Dressed up like that thing.
You're gonna kill him.
It's 110 degrees out there.
- Calvin is a highly trained athlete.
Don't worry about him.
I actually thought you were gonna be excited And say, "thanks, Bruce, for doin' somethin' cool.
" Great.
Don't even come out here tonight.
You're just gonna be a bummer and a party-pooper.
Go in the office.
I'll take care of the whole place.
- Fine, I will.
- Go on.
Go to your room.
- Look at this thing.
It's gonna give people nightmares.
- What do you see when you look at a redwood tree? A tall turd comin' green? What a dud.
- we ain't never gonna change ♪ we ain't doing nothin' wrong ♪ ♪ we ain't never gonna change ♪ so shut your mouth and play along - Is that Calvin? Calvin.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Oh, my God, you're sweating.
- Yeah, I know.
- Why are you wearing this? - I don't know.
Bruce got it for me.
It's pretty cool, right? - Oh, my God, you look like you're gonna pass out.
- Yeah.
You should get out of this.
- Maybe you should just take it off.
- I'm fine.
- Well, look at what we have here.
Hi, gorgeous, you want to come play In my back seat with me? - Hey, honey, why don't you pull up my face And have a seat? - No, I will not pull up your face and have a seat.
And you, sir, should know better.
- Excuse me, don't talk to my dad like that.
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to your hot friend back there.
- Shut up! - Hey, man, it's not nice to ignore someone Just 'cause they're not as hot as another person.
- Oh, okay.
Um, fuck you, pal.
- God! You're philistines, both of you! - Oh, my God, you guys, I'm so, so sorry about that.
It happens all the time.
Everywhere I am, guys are like, "you're hot.
Can I get you in bed?" It's I hate it.
I'm sorry that you got in the middle.
- I hate that that happens to you.
- Ugh, it's the worst.
It's like I can't walk down the street Without being, like, harassed sexually All the time.
- It really sucks.
- Do you have any idea what it's like To have this hot, amazing body? No, you don't.
- Who's to say now? - I mean, so what if I like To sunbathe naked in my backyard? I should be able to do that Without hoards of men watching me do it.
- God, life is tough for you.
- Sometimes I wish I was just, like, normal-looking.
You know, like you.
- What is all this? - Oh, cool.
You guys found the stuff.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Guess what? We're doin' a product launch Tonight at players.
Mr.
Meat Snak Stix.
And you guys get to be the Stix girls.
- What do we have to do? - Well, you just put that on, walk around, Give away free meat Stix and t-shirts Kind of like Coors light girls.
- Oh, my shirt is missing the bottom of it.
- No, no, that's it.
It's like a tankini.
- I'm not wearing this.
This is way too small.
- Yeah, Bruce, this outfit is ridiculous.
- Thank you.
- I mean, this is the kind of top That makes my breasts look perfect.
And these shorts? I mean, my ass is gonna look Really high and tight.
Guys are gonna be all over me the entire night.
How am I supposed to get any work done, right? - If you could just please try it on, Krista.
thank you.
- I'm sorry, but I'm a waitress, I'm not a prostitute for Mr.
Meat Stix.
- What are you talking about? I'm wearing one.
I'm not a prostitute.
- Yeah, but you're wearing an XL With a cardigan over it.
I can't I have to say, I can't believe You'd want me wearing something like this And walking through the bar.
- Barb, I've seen you wear stuff like this before.
- Yeah, in the privacy of my bedroom.
- You have a killer figure.
Why be embarrassed? Get out there and parade it.
Just please put it on? - If you are wearing something over your shirt, Then I'm wearing something over mine.
- Grab somethin' off the rack.
- Bruce, look how long my legs look in these heels.
What am I supposed to do? - A winter coat? - Yes.
- You need to wear a winter coat over that? - I may get cold since I'm wearing lingerie to work.
- Okay, you can put that on over your lingerie, But would you please put a sticker On the back of it? I promised them all the employees Would have signage.
- Okay, fine.
Can Krista and I change in private, Or would you like to invite the customers to watch? - Hey, meat stick boy.
- Hey, hick.
Oh! This sash is so hot.
- How you doin' out there, Skeeter? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You should be drinkin' water.
- No, not today.
I'm entering the Mr.
Fit flagstaff competition tomorrow, So gotta cut water weight.
- Good.
What is that, a bodybuilding thing? - No.
Bodybuilding competitions Are full of steroid freaks And they promote an unhealthy lifestyle.
Mr.
Fit flagstaff promotes a healthy lifestyle Through proper diet and exercise.
- Huh? - I'm gonna do a push-up routine, A pull-up routine, And a medicine ball routine.
- What is that, some kind of dance or somethin'? - No.
It's a series of choreographed moves Set to music.
Not gonna dance in front of people.
I'll look like an idiot.
- Mmm! These are good.
- Mm-hmm.
- I could eat about a million.
- I like the taste of 'em.
They give you that burn down your throat Like a nice old cigar.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, can I get a beer? I bet these are good with beer.
- Ta-dah - good with my coffee.
- Tastes like steak and beer.
- You know where we should go? We should go rock climbing, like, at dawn.
- Yeah, sure.
Watch the sunset? - No.
- Sunrise? - Sunrise.
- Whatever.
- I'm more of a sunrise guy myself.
- Yeah.
Well, we'll stay and watch the sunset.
- It's like half-glass full, half-glass empty.
- Yeah, you're not finished.
- What? What? Do I have something in my teeth? - Wow! Why is she so hot in that outfit? - Well, it's a well-known fact That a man in a winter coat Without pants is a pervert.
A woman in a winter coat without pants Is about the sexiest thing alive.
- Absolutely.
- Hey, guys.
Like the new outfit? - I gotta go check the trash.
- Have your paper? - Oh, sure.
- Barb, you gotta try these.
- Ugh! No, I don't eat processed food.
- It's not processed.
It's just meat.
- No, thanks.
- Just smell it.
It smells like Christmas.
- I'm okay.
Thank you.
- You sure? - No, I'd rather not, Bruce.
- Oh, look who came up from their bitch nap.
Just comin' out to sample the fun? Come on into the party, Ken.
Come on.
- Oh, is that what this is, a party? - Yeah, this is a meat party, if you read the banners.
That's why you're out here.
- No, not really.
- No? - Just wanted to see what happens When you pollute the bar with crass commercialism.
- Crass commercialism? I see smiling faces, people are havin' fun.
It's actually a little romantic.
People are starting to loosen up with each other.
- Romantic? - Yeah.
- And you think that's due to your Flavored meat Stix? - Yeah.
Cased meats are a known aphrodisiac.
- Are they? - Yeah.
Barbecues, festivals, people always hook up.
And these things are salty, And they make people want to drink, So we've sold, like, six times the mount of booze.
- Salt is the redneck Spice.
Read gourmet magazine.
You can go on your way, back to your debauchery, Or whatever it is you do, while I work.
- Keep your sobbing down in the office, okay? People are havin' a good time.
- Ha ha.
- Thank you.
- A couple more questions.
Are you overall satisfied With your meat Stix experience, yes or no? - You can maybe help us be more satisfied If you gave us some help with out meat Stix.
- Yeah, maybe we could stick our meat Stix In some some to some mouths besides ours.
okay, I got a question.
I got one, um Would you recommend Mr.
Meat Stix to a friend? - No.
- Were the effects of the snack sticks noticeable, Yes or no? - Well, they're startin' to get a little noticeable The longer you stay here.
- Yeah, yeah.
I might need you to Sew the hole in myPants Right in front of my penis.
that's a yes.
- All right, so, uh, my time.
Uh, uhWould you, uh Buy this - All right, do we really need two for the survey? I think we're dealin' well with just one.
- All right, Barb, you can go.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Krista, thank you.
- You gonna leave us with your ugly friend? Come here back, Eskimo girl.
- Hey, guys, you want to see my tattoo? It says "private party," And it points to my club.
- I like the "private," But then around the "party," Your skin starts to turn gray.
- Yeah.
- It was a shaving accident.
- Listen, miss, if you don't mind me sayin', You're bein' a little too forward.
- You're also bein' a little disgustin'-lookin'.
I'd appreciate it if you'd take a five-minute break.
- A lot of men find me very attractive.
- Hey, we need that canister of meat Stix.
- Can't have it! - I need that fucking meat stick! - Hey, hey, hey, leave the Stix! - Hey, I need two Martinis, extra dirty, With olives and blue cheese.
I need a Merlot, I need an Alabama slammer, I need a Coors, and I also need a long island iced tea.
- I saw you take the order.
I read their lips.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Do you think winter coats are sexy? - Stolen glance at an ankle's Worth a bucket of vaginas.
- I gotta go.
- Oh, buddy, I need a beer.
My teeth feel like they're alive! You're the best! You're the best! - You're the best.
You're my best friend.
- The best! - Hey, hey, hey! Speakin' of the best, I just cracked the secret Internet code.
Secret websites that are better than normal websites That people can't even usually access.
I mean, there's an entire parallel Internet universe Hidden behind the one we already know! Give me any website, and I'm four clicks away.
I can find information that'll challenge your sanity.
- Let me see.
- No, I can't show it to you.
- Show me that secret Internet, old man! - You have to have your own password.
- Show it to me! - Gimme some space.
I'll show you later.
- Show me the Internet! - I love chewin' the flavor out of these things.
- Chewin' the flavor's great, Everybody get back.
Just give me some room.
All right, great.
This is great.
- Ken, you can't hide out here all night.
We are really busy - oh, hey, hey.
- Whoa! - Yeah, isn't it awesome? Came up with the perfect organizational method For our inventory.
First, I started with size.
Size doesn't work.
Too many things the same size.
So I moved onto color.
Color almost works, 'cause even when you got a lot of things the same color, You get different hues.
But what really works is shape.
There are only six basic shapes.
Underneath those six basic shapes, You got three sub-categories.
It's perfect! - This is a restaurant revolution.
- Oh, you want to know about a revolution? You gotta check this out.
- Whoa! - This is my drink-serving blimp.
Now, don't pay attention to this stuff on the exterior.
Those are just prototypes.
This is my baby.
What I'm most proud of is that it's self-sustaining.
See? It fuels itself on people's empties! - Genius.
- The thing I'm havin' trouble With, though, is the stabilization system.
None of this stuff works.
I can't crack it.
- No big deal.
Just put a gyroscopic mechanism there.
- Oh, yes! That's a perfect idea! - I just realized something.
The greatest regret of my adult life Is that I have never listened to all of your awesome ideas.
I want you to do this for me.
If you have any idea That you have been resistant to share with me Because you thought that I would shoot it down, I want you to share it with me ' cause I will do it right now! Ha! - Eee-yah! - Oh, yeah! Ha ha! - Go on! Choose your weapon! - Aah! - My garbage can punch! - Aah! - Ohh! - Let me introduce you to My little friend.
wake up, Phoenix! - Where you goin'? - Slow down, baby, slow down.
- We'll help you out.
- Thank you, sirs.
- Come on, baby, we'll help you clear the table, Then we can get home earlier, that's right.
- The candle stays on the table.
- Whoo! - Whoo! - That's right, we can get home earlier.
- I got it, thank you! - Look at me now! Ha ha! - Whoo-ooh! - Hey, guys, how do you like how covered up I am? Don't you like all my mystery? - Nah, nah, too much mystery now.
- No, you need more mystery, Like disappear forever.
- I thought you liked girls who didn't show anything.
Oh, you're a girl? - Look at her! Look at that slut over there With all her Her neck showin'.
- I like necks.
- Yeah, we like to see a little throat action.
- You look like a skier from a communist country.
I can't do anything right! - Krista! - No! Not the meat Stix! - Oh, my God! - He's right about that.
- Get those meat Stix and clean 'em off! - Come on, let's get it on.
- Let's dance it off.
Dance it off.
- get it on, get it on - This is not how you treat a woman! it's gonna be great, kid.
I just want to give you a good send-off.
- Thanks, hick! - Just a little finishing touch for you kid, huh? Bon voyage! - Jesus! What are you guys doin'? - Couldn't sleep.
I guess it's nerves or somethin', So I decided to drive to flagstaff, Get a head start on the competition.
- That's really smart, Calvin! - It's gonna be great.
Bon voyage! - Whoo! - Break a leg! - Ha ha ha! - You guys! You have to come back inside now! - Okay, okay.
- Oh, my God! You're right! This is horrible.
We're almost out of meat Stix.
- Hold it! Announcement! Attention, everyone, I have a very important announcement! I'm Ken Fitzgerald, Graduate of soup ranch university! You can trust me when I tell you There are no more meat Stix! - Oh, yeah, what about them meat Stix right there? - Those are for employees only! - Well, then I want to work here! - We're not hiring! - This ain't fair! - I want a job! - We gotta kill these motherfuckers.
- Crab crawl! - Get the crab! - Get him! - He's got the Stix! - I'm the pretty one! - All right, give 'em back Or your friend gets it right now.
- No! - I like these meat Stix more than I like him! - I saved your life in that quarry! - You pushed me into that quarry! - I'll do it! - I gave you one of my kidneys! - Kidneys are overrated! You got two! - No! I named my daughter after you! - I do love little Roger.
ButBut I love meat Stix more! - He thinks we're bluffin', Bruce! You gotta kill him! - You made me do this! - Stop it! - I don't care! Kill him! Kill him! - Kill me! kill me! Stop! Has anyone read what's in these Mr.
Meat Stix? "beef slurry, caffeine, swine adrenaline, "ephedra, ephedrine, And standardized ephedra extract.
" This is meat-flavored crack.
You're all high! - We got the meat Stix, faggots! Let's get the hell out of here! Whoo! Yee-hee-hee-hee! Kiss my redneck ass! - We got the meat Stix! - Yee-hee-hee-hee! - We weren't really gonna kill him.
I got a meat hangover.
Anybody else take a deuce They couldn't break off this morning? - Oh, that's disgusting.
- Sorry.
- Hey, kid, how'd the contest go? - Sucked.
I tested positive for manfettlemans, And I couldn't even compete.
And on the way there, I got pulled over four times for speeding.
What happened here? - You don't wanna know.
- Hey, Barb, uh, I just want to apologize For what I said last night.
- Look, you were high on meat Stix.
Let's just put The entire thing behind us.
- No, that's no excuse.
It's just when all those guys Were in drug-induced hallucinations, Thinking you were hotter than me, it It just hurt my feelings.
- Uh, it's okay, I guess.
- I guess I just need that male attention More than I thought I did.
- Hey, listen, I mean, if it's any consolation, Those guys last night - Were hot.
- Were disgusting.
- Oh, well, I'm going on a date with one of them tonight.
Uh, can I borrow that parka? - Yeah, sure.
- Mm, no.
Uh-uh.
No, no, uh I'm gonna hang onto this, Barb.
Maybe we use it sometime.
- I wish I were dead.
- Oh-ho! Did you spend the night here last night? - Yeah, office.
I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I couldn't get my - Yeah, you couldn't cut it off.
- Yeah! - Yeah, I had, like, a 45-minute dump this morning.
Hey, man, I wanted to say Sorry for bringin' this promotion in the bar.
I always do this stuff, And you were cool to let me do it.
- You know what? It's okay.
- Yeah? Thanks.
- I walked away with about six of them Before everybody got crazy.
Had a lot of fun.
I figured maybe we could eat some this weekend, Get the gear on, and mess around again.
- That'd be all right.
- Hey, do me a favor? Help me restock the shelves.
I went nuts in there last night.
- Sure.
We all got a little crazy last night.