Please Like Me (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

OK.
Did you have fun? Did you have a good drive? Can we go now? No, I'm buying it.
Oh no, Dad.
It doesn't make sense for you to be in this car.
Wow.
You and this car are you're incompatible.
You look old and stupid.
Like an old person that makes stupid decisions.
Yes! Alan, I wouldn't go taking advice from someone with that haircut.
Yeah, kids these days with their hair, huh? Dad, you're just too big for it.
Too old, and big.
Josh, I'm not that old.
When you get in and out of this car, you make a groan like an old man.
Women don't know anything about cars.
Oh, excuse me.
I am velly solly, sir, for speaking out of turn, sir.
I was momentarily distracted by my uterus and I forgot my manners.
OK, thank you, Mae.
That's enough of that.
Thank you.
Dad, everybody hates people in cars like these.
It is too low.
It's going to be too hard on your joints.
Come on.
No, rubbish.
It's this is it's a cool car.
Look, I've worked hard my whole life.
I'm getting it.
Oh, God.
Not that cool.
I had an idea.
Yeah? For your Mum.
OK.
To get her out of the house.
Help her make new friends.
Yes? I think she should come to church, and you should come to.
No, Peg, we don't want to come to church.
We've spoken about this.
We don't want to go to church because we don't believe in God.
Oh, would you prefer to go to hell? You can't threaten an atheist with hell, Peg.
It doesn't make any sense.
It's like a hippie threatening to punch you in your aura.
It's stupid.
Jesus Christ, it's terrifying.
It's just terrifying driving with you.
I'm not going to be around for very much longer, and I would like to believe that one day I might just bump into you in heaven.
Peg, we both know that you are, unfortunately, very healthy, OK? I'm not taking you to the party unless you promise to come to church.
What a great way to trick God into securing my eternal salvation.
Brilliant.
Oh, you can be as smart alec as you like, but if you don't promise to come to church, I am just going to keep driving past the party and take you home.
Have to eat those horrible pies all by ourselves.
Fine.
And they're tarts.
And they're not horrible.
They're delicious.
They're overmixed.
You should know better.
I taught you how to cook tarts, and pies.
You know that I'm not really coming to church, yeah? Josh, you are such a disappointment! Why are you waiting out the front? I was waiting for you so we could go in together.
How long have you been waiting for? Since I got here.
I don't know, half an hour.
What are you doing? Just I just like it better when your shirt's off.
Oh, OK.
Yes! Joshua! Aunty Peg.
Hi, Aunty Peg! You forgot your tarts.
Of course.
Does your mother know about this? No.
Well, I guess I'll be seeing you in church, then.
You haven't mentioned how pretty I look.
You look very pretty.
Well, you look like shit.
That's OK.
I have a good imagination.
You always look pretty.
I'm sorry.
I was just thinking about Josh living with his mum.
Do you think it'll make her happy? It should make her happy, right? Now I'm using my imagination to pretend that you can't stop thinking about how pretty I look.
OK.
Instead of your depressing ex-wife.
I'm sorry.
I'll change the subject.
Yes, and not to your car.
Something that isn't your car or your ex-wife.
I just want to make it better.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Alright for drinks? Jeez mate, I thought I was going to have to send out a carrier pigeon.
No, no, no, no, she's driving.
I'll have the same again, thanks.
I'll have a lemonade, please.
We were married 20 years, Mae.
And that's not bad, you know, because the average marriage only lasts 8.
7 years.
Oh, what? OK, I'll talk about something else.
No.
You don't want to talk about something else.
I do.
I do.
No.
I'll go to the bathroom.
We can talk about animals you've seen on the internet in funny costumes.
Thank you very much.
Would you like a drink, Geoffrey? Oh, I don't drink.
What? Why? Some people don't drink, Niamh.
Yeah, my Dad's an alcoholic.
Oh.
OK, let's play this game I invented.
It's called, 'What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to your genitals?' Yes! Who's starting? Wait, wait, wait.
How does this game work? Basically you tell everyone the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to your genitals.
Mm, I know what mine is.
I'll start.
Once, when I was making out with this girl How many girls have you made out with? Um, I've had sex-ish with five.
Five.
Five girls.
Did you like it? Claire's sitting right there.
It's fine.
I was there for it.
I know what it was like.
Harsh.
Tom gave me chlamydia once.
Say what? That's my thing.
My most embarrassing thing.
Oh, it's not really your turn.
I did not give you chlamydia.
Ah, yes you did.
How else could I have gotten it? I've explained it.
Before I met you I hadn't had sex for eight months.
It's true.
Tom is just really horrible at getting sex.
Yeah, well I got it right after I met you, so I think you must be hiding something.
No, it's just you can get it and then not have any symptoms, and it randomly just pops up.
That sounds a lot like bullshit, Tom.
It's not.
That's the truth.
Oh, so I guess it's my fault, then.
Just like everything else.
Why don't we just agree to disagree about who gave who chlamydia? Because I don't want her telling everyone that I gave her chlamydia.
It does suck, you getting a reputation for sexually transmitted diseases when you didn't actually get to have the actual sex.
Yeah, well, of course, you're all on Tom's side.
I'm not! I don't have a side.
Actually, there's no way of telling who had it, so Thank you, Geoffrey.
Though, statistically speaking, it probably was Niamh.
Yeah.
You have had a considerable amount more sex than Tom.
Do you think I'm a slut? No I think it's more that they're saying I'm not a slut.
He's totally frigid.
He's right.
I pretty much am.
You're ashamed of me.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Why don't you ever back me up in front of your friends? Because you told them that I gave you chlamydia.
It's over.
What? It's over.
Over, over.
It's over.
We are over.
Fine.
Good luck getting through one day without me.
Should someone go after her? Nuh.
Sorry, sorry.
Come on, mate! You're quite right.
What are you doing? Hi Josh, it's your dad.
Hi.
Can you give me a lift home? Who is it? Mae left me.
Oh, what happened? What's going on? She just left me and she was supposed to drive me home.
I've been drinking.
Can't you just get a cab? Josh, who is it? It's Dad.
Who's that? It's Geoffrey.
Who's Geoffrey? No, he's just a friend.
Hi, Geoffrey! Dad says hi.
Hi! He says hi.
Can't you just get yourself home? No, I have to get my car home.
I'm really worried about it.
Where is it? I I can't remember.
Have you had anything to drink? Can you pick me up? Yes, I've been drinking.
I can't help.
But I haven't been drinking.
You need to help your dad out.
I'll take you.
OK, fine.
We are coming to rescue you.
Oh, thank you.
Where's your Dad's girlfriend from? Thailand.
Oh, cool.
So she's like a mail order thing? Whoa.
Whoa, no.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just I didn't mean to be offensive.
I'm not racist.
OK.
It's fine.
OK, it's fine.
No, no, no, really.
I'm not racist.
I dated an Asian once.
Whoa, OK.
Great, fine.
Although I did date a racist once too, so I don't know.
I think maybe she's just from quite a well-off family, apparently, and she just genuinely likes Dad, which is quite hard to believe.
Why did you tell your Dad I was just your friend? And you wouldn't kiss me because your aunt was there.
Yeah.
And your mum doesn't know.
Don't you think that's a bit lame? Oh, I just can't be bothered.
Well, you need to tell them, dude.
They won't mind.
Do I? Do I really need to tell them? Coming out to me just seems so '90s, you know? They've seen me in school musicals.
Do we really need a discussion? What, so you aren't going to tell them? I just I just can't be bothered.
How do you think that makes me feel, dude? Please don't call me 'dude'.
It's weird.
We make out sometimes.
Oh, sweetie, talk to me, baby.
Answer the phone.
Please? Dad? Hi, this is Geoffrey.
It's an honour to finally meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Do you know where your car is? No.
You need to perk up.
Now I know you're sad, but it's Saturday.
And if I have to be stuck here with you, we're going to have some fun.
I'm not allowed to drink, Peg.
Oh, nonsense.
No, the doctor says I'm not supposed to drink.
Well, how is someone supposed to stop being depressed if you can't drink? Ask somebody sensible.
John? Do you think she should have a drink? John? He doesn't care.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh Jesus, who did this? Oh no, Josh, this is serious.
I told you.
I told you if you bought this car, everyone would hate you.
Oh Alan, my car got egged once.
It's going to warp the paint.
It's going to warp the paint? We have to get it washed.
OK, it's fine.
We can do it tomorrow.
No, it'll ruin the paint.
It's gonna warp the paint, Josh! Oh, Jesus.
Dad, are you? Are you tearing up a bit? Dad, you know there's You know there's people in Africa that can't afford Porsches.
They couldn't even afford a Yaris.
Do you know how much this could cost? Sometimes they can't afford food, Dad.
Sometimes they have HIV.
Who did this! Just just a bit of perspective.
Arseholes! How long are they taking? Yeah.
That's probably them.
No, Niamh.
Oh, how is she? 'I loved everything you are with every part of my being.
Go fuck yourself, you skinny dick retard.
' Ooh.
Kind of took a turn halfway there.
I know she seemed like a massive bitch most of the time, but she isn't that bad.
Josh told me she spat on you.
One time.
Mm.
We should get in the spa.
It's ridiculous that you have it and you never use it.
So, Geoffrey, do you have a girlfriend, or? No, I'm gay.
Oh, rightio.
It's funny, you know, because Josh's mother and I always thought that he was gay.
He was always baking and dancing.
He IS gay.
Josh is gay.
I'm his boyfriend.
Surprise! Really? You're Josh's boyfriend? Yeah.
OK, it's alright, Josh.
It's OK.
I've decided I'm fine with it.
Thanks.
After all, it's probably my fault.
It's not anyone's fault.
I didn't play enough sport with you when you were a kid.
Dad, I don't think the amount of sport you play as a child is in direct ratio to the men who enjoy kissing boys.
Just promise me that you'll use protection.
A homosexual man is 30 times more likely to get AIDS.
No, that's not a fact, Dad.
That's not science.
I really don't think that's a real statistic.
Well, do you use protection, Geoffrey? Oh look, actually, it's a bit awkward to talk about, Alan.
We haven't had penetrative sex yet, but, when we do, I promise you we will use protection.
Oh, well, good.
That's good news.
I mean, I know it doesn't feel as good, but gee whiz, it feels a hell of a lot better than dying at 30.
You got that right.
Dad, please stop.
Oh, relax, will you? Some fathers would punch you for this.
I'm a pretty good dad.
I'm not going to turn the bubbles on because they make me feel weird.
So tell me again.
What is your opinion of the financial crisis? I just think if there were no banks, then people would share their money more because they'd be able to see it.
But people can see their money anytime.
Yeah, but not in cash form.
And it'd be like way harder to store.
So they'd probably have to give heaps away as well.
Amazing.
I'm always worried there's going to be frogs in here, or something.
John, if you were sad, what would you do? See, my Rose is sad.
No, I'm depressed.
There's a difference.
It's not sad.
Well, what's the difference? Well, you can't cure it with ice-cream.
We got beer.
You can't cure it You can't cure it with beer! Oh, well, I have no idea.
So, ah, what are you doing tonight, Alan? Um, I don't know, Geoffrey.
Mae won't answer the phone, so Well, you should come hang with us.
What? Oh, I wouldn't want to interlude.
Intrude.
But you should definitely come, Alan.
No, you definitely should not come.
Tom just broke up with Niamh.
He's probably crying.
It'll be weird.
Well, but Mae won't let me into the house.
It's your house! Yeah, women! Women! Ow! Ah, sorry.
Better not give me chlamydia.
It's gone, it's gone.
I swear.
I'm so sorry, Josh.
Why? Well, you should be living in this rat hole, not at your mum's place.
It's fine.
I have a room here that you pay for.
I've stolen your youth.
I am so proud of you.
And and Mum's proud too.
She probably doesn't say it, but I know that she is OK, Dad.
If you're coming into the house you have to promise to stop talking about Mum, OK? Tom's just broken up with Niamh.
He's probably really upset and also it's just so boring.
Right, OK.
Zip.
Was that? Shit shit shit! So, Alan, who do you barrack for? Melbourne Storm, Geoffrey.
League? Are you serious? Go the storm.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I think AFL's for pansies.
- Am I allowed to say 'pansy'? - Yeah.
I can say pansy.
Yeah.
Where's Tom and Claire? Hey Tom! Claire! I might go and get some tarts.
Oh, you guys are back.
That was quick! Hi, Alan.
Hi, Claire.
- Nice to see you.
Oh, your hair's wet.
- Yes, I was just in the Tom and I were just in the spa, so that's why.
Hello, Tom! How long have you guys been here? Not long.
Would you like a Portuguese custard tart? I mean, Portuguese custard tarts? We've been in the spa.
OK.
Did you guys know that Josh is gay? Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I guess that must have made you feel pretty weird, Claire.
Ah, not really.
It's probably for the best, really, isn't it? Yeah.
So no-one wants a Portuguese custard tart? This is mine.
But it looks good there.
Oh, excuse me.
So how are you feeling about Niamh? Good.
Fine.
Really? Really really.
And, um, how's your chlamydia? Fine.
Yeah? Why's your Dad here? Geoffrey invited him.
Why? Because he's so fucking considerate! What are they talking about? How could anyone talk to my dad for this long? I think Geoffrey's genuinely interested.
I don't think I've ever heard your Dad say anything interesting.
I don't think I've ever heard Geoffrey say anything interesting.
Tom, could you maybe give me a hand in the kitchen, please? I'd better.
To be honest, Geoffrey, I guess I still love his mother.
But I failed her.
I failed her, Geoffrey.
And now Mae.
No, no, no, don't say that, Alan.
No-one has any control over these things.
I mean and if none of it had of happened, then then you wouldn't have such a cool car like you do now.
These things, they happen for a reason, dude.
Yeah.
You're going to be really good for Josh.
OK, I have to go to church.
Let's do this.
Who wants to come, huh? Come on, it'll be fun, yeah? Pretend like it's ironic.
I'll come.
I actually quite like it.
Bam! Claire's in.
I'll go.
Great.
Tom's for Jesus.
I'll come.
Geoffrey's for Jesus.
This is good.
Alan? Alan, did you want to come? Oh, what the fuck? Today, Jesus urges us to live a worthy life.
And what better gift to give him than that of a marriage between a man and a woman? But marriage as an institution is under great pressure today.
No two men or two women can become one flesh.
We weren't designed to be homosexual.
Any electrician will tell you you can't get power if you use two same sex electrical sockets.
They simply won't spark.
And if you consider a magnet, two positives come together and they repel.
Yet when the opposite sources are used, they weld to one another, tightly, like a man and wife in holy matrimony.
Homosexual sex is dangerous and destructive to the human body.
Homosexuality is a sin.
I I have I have just learned that I have a homosexual grandson.
Technically he's not my grandson, but, anyway, that's that's not important.
Certainly it was a disappointment.
I feel like I've been robbed of great-grandchildren.
But if he has decided to lead a homosexual lifestyle isn't it isn't it my responsibility to love him? Because because if they are born that way, they they have no choice but to be true to themselves.
Josh? Josh, stand up.
Stand up.
This is my Josh.
He he is homosexual.
And I love him.
Which is what God would want.
And if it isn't what God would want, then He or She can can stick it! Come on, we're off.
Don't think this is such a big deal.
It's not like I haven't always known.
Yes, OK.
Can you just pretend to be surprised? Hello, ma'am, I'm Josh's boyfriend, Geoffrey.
Oh, but you're so handsome, and he's so um What? I don't know.
Thomas, please change the subject.
OK.
Niamh is pregnant.
Woo! Next time on Please Like Me I've decided to do internet dating.
Shall we go back to your place? When did you start being gay? Oh, what? You think I'm a bad driver? I think you're the worst.
Josh broke up with Geoffrey.
Will you make out with other people? I don't know any other people.
I think I'll go to Josh's place.
How would you feel if I moved to Thailand? Do I have to see you there? Yeah.
That's a shame.