Plebs (2013) s04e06 Episode Script

The Bath House

1 This is the free weights area, steam room down the corridor.
That's the chill-out and chat zone.
Open 24/7, 365.
Whether you're here to work, not work or network, Elysium's always there for you.
Wow, this is amazing.
We have daily classes, yoga, Boxercise or maybe, do you like Legs, Bums and Tums? You just named my three favourite things.
We also offer a round-the-clock buffet, hot-and-cold beverage station and a smoothie bar.
- Keep talking.
- I plan to.
All club rules and info are here in our brochure, or as we call it, our manifesto.
"Elysium -- not just a wellness centre, a way of life.
" Now, are you interested in joining? - Fuck, yes! - Just a bit.
Huge! Membership packages begin at just 95 Denari a month.
Ah, in that case, no.
Absolutely not.
We'll just do the free trial.
We've got vouchers.
Oh, right.
Vouchers.
Yeah! When in Rome Do as the Romans do Far from home All I got is you Mm-hm.
I bloody love a smoothie! It's all the pleasure of eating without the hassle of chewing.
I might have a crack at the hot yoga.
Have a crack at the hot yoga instructor, you mean? Well, both, hopefully.
Ooh, then maybe I'll get a facial.
We don't have time for facials.
We've got to go to work.
I was thinking, instead of going to work, why don't we pretend to be ill? Yes, great idea.
Pretend to whom? It's our bar.
Please, man, it's not a bar, it's a toilet.
I don't want to spend another day in a toilet.
Neither do I! But if we want it more bar-y and less toilet-y, we need money to do it up.
We won't make any money unless we're open.
Then you open it.
I think I should cotch here today.
I'm getting a peaky all of a sudden.
Right.
Grumio? Actually, I might cotch here till tomorrow.
Tomorrow? How will that work? Jase, in the bumph, does it say the vouchers are for a trial day or a trial session? Ooh, hang on.
"Elysium vouchers entitle the bearer to a one-use, free trial session.
" Boom, and I'm in.
Sessions can last more than a day, mate.
Damn right.
I've had sessions that have lasted several days.
Why stop there? You could stay for a week or a month.
In fact, why not just move in here permanently? Why wouldn't we? We've got everything we need -- food, beds, hot yoga instructors.
As long as we stay put, it's all one session.
OK, now I can't tell if you're being serious or not.
- That does look pretty serious.
- I'll run the bar on my own.
Maybe see you in a few years, when I've made my millions and can finally afford to come back.
Yeah, see you then.
Tell my mum I love her.
Lovely! Another one of your scrummy pink smoothies, please, Nero.
Uh-huh? That'll be your fifth so far, dude.
I know, I'm getting my five a day.
The cherry attire contains five fruits already so that'll be more like 25 a day.
You guys are all about wellness.
But the idea of the trial is to experience everything we have to offer here.
In that case, I'll try a green smoothie.
Not really what I meant but, that one's called Kale Caesar.
Oh, nice.
Hurgh! Not nice, not nice.
Horrid.
Ugh, tastes like liquid veg.
Well, it is.
Kale's a vegetable.
Fuck me, that's proper nasty.
Need a pink one now to take the taste away.
Enjoy.
Well, the villa's pure bliss and I'm loving the new orchard but to be honest, the problem now is, I've just got too much money.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- The admin's a mare.
I'm seriously thinking about getting out of minerals to ease the pressure.
Maybe find something smaller and funkier to invest in here in the city.
Something hip that my kids would think was cool.
Let me know if you hear of anything.
Onto all fours.
Other arm back to here.
Take it back down to the downward dog.
That's right.
Oops! Namaste.
Hey, Cleo, I'm Jason.
That was amazing.
And hot.
Oh, my Jove, look at you, you're absolutely dripping.
Yeah, the inside of my loin cloth's like a bloody swamp.
That's great, sweating's, like, crazy healthy.
Just make sure you drink loads.
We could drink loads together, if you like? Maybe over dinner? Hm, I'm not sure.
Don't usually get with my students.
Please, I'm a really nice guy, I promise.
I'm not some downward dog.
Go on, then.
I live by the Esquiline Gate.
Meet me there at eight.
Yes! Oooh, no.
Actually, er thinking about it, I'd kind of prefer to go somewhere round here if that's all right? Sure, there's this OK tapas place nearby.
Yeah, tapas is good or, how about that restaurant nearby? You mean the canteen? It's really nice.
Have you tried it? Yeah, I've had lunch here every day for the last eight years.
OK, great, then you know you like it! - Ciao for now.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
Yes, what? Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation in the changing room.
- The villa sounds great.
- Thank you.
It's bliss.
What can I do for you, friend? You said you were on the lookout for some hip new investments and I think I may have just the thing.
I am indeed, and I would love to hear about it.
- Genuinely.
- Excellent.
But I need to pick up my daughter from an audition.
Ah, OK, we could meet another time? Absolutely.
Collar me when you're next here and you can give me the full pitch.
Right, yes.
Here as in? Elysium.
Oh, it's fine, all the members do business here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know we do.
It's just I'm not 100 per cent as to when I'll next be back.
I'm sure we'll run into each other.
I'm here all the time.
- Great.
Me too.
- Until then.
I hope your daughter gets the part.
She bloody well should do, friend.
I own the theatre.
Hm.
That was quick.
Made your millions already? I might have done, actually.
Cheers.
Cos people think yoga's just for the body, but it also really clears the mind.
Sometimes when I'm doing the poses, it's honestly like my brain's completely empty.
Oh, that must be wicked, cos I'm quite a sort of thinky person.
So I'd love to have an empty head and a bendy bod.
Then yoga's the answer.
You'd have to put the hours in, spend a lot of time in this place.
Yeah, that won't be a problem.
All right, then, swampy pants.
You can be my little project.
We could go back to mine and make a head start, try some positions that are a bit hotter? Oh, yes, please.
But, you know what would be even hotter than going back to your place? Staying here and doing it in, like, a corner.
- A corner? - Or behind that large fern.
Them ferns creep me out a bit.
OK, so is there a yucca or maybe just a basic hedge? - I've keys to the storeroom.
- Or a storeroom.
Exactly! Agh, my legs! Actually, I don't think I can support you.
You need to engage your core.
I don't think I've got one.
I would have walked her home but that's out of bounds, so, uh I just escorted her to reception.
Ah, how romantic! And are you planning on seeing her again? That's the beauty of it.
I'll see her at yoga class tomorrow, it's so convenient.
Apart from lying about where you live - and having sex in a cupboard.
- Wow! You've really made the most of your free trial.
Hope you've enjoyed yourselves, lads? We have, very much, thanks, and we'll continue to do so.
So you're gonna become members? Congrats, that's huge.
What? No, don't be daft.
We're just gonna keep trying it out.
Sorry, hombre, the trial's over, it's the end of the day.
Well, according to your manifesto, the trial is measured per session and not per day.
And our session has only just begun.
Read it and weep, dickhead.
But that's Head office clearly meant "day".
They should have put "day", then.
Unless, of course, the manifesto is a load of guff.
The Elysium manifesto is not a load of guff.
Sweet.
Thought not.
See you in the morning.
Oh, blow them candles out on your way out, will you? There's a love.
How long were you planning to keep this up, out of interest? Who knows? Maybe a week, maybe a month.
- Maybe forever.
- I won't be staying forever.
I'm just waiting for a business meeting.
This won't work, you know.
I will flush you out.
Bring it on.
But I warn you, like a giant floaty turd, we are pretty much unflushable.
Really? Well, I guess in that case, I'll just have to turn up the heat.
And that's just for starters.
That is quite warm, actually.
- Morning, Lydia.
Another day in paradise.
- Hiya.
All right, Cyrus, keep working that jab, son.
- All right.
- 'Ey up, Euclid, nice bush.
All right, Grumio.
Salve, Nero.
Morning, Grumio.
Sleep well? Not bad.
I'm getting used to the steam, it's tropical.
Oh, good, that's great to hear.
What can I get you for breakfast? I'll start with a pair of pink smoothies and a plate of beef.
Sorry, dude, the cherry attire's off the menu, as is the beef.
The only thing that we're serving from now on is kale.
You what? Only Only kale? You flicking me bean? It's a wellness centre, you can't just serve kale.
We can, and given you're so familiar with the manifesto, you'll already know that "items on the buffet may vary according to availability and the discretion of the manager", ie, me.
The manager's discretion is a disgrace.
I won't stand for it.
- Nor will the members.
- They won't mind.
They'll eat the kale or get something else when they go home -- which is exactly what you'll have to do.
Ah, you're not getting rid of me that easy, you crafty bastard.
- I'm here for the long haul.
- Hunger strike, then, is it? Not my style, son.
I'll have one of them green smoothies.
Thinking about it, I'm quite partial to a bit of kale.
OK.
Huge.
Here we go, one Kale Caesar.
A nutritious blend of liquid veg.
Oh, lovely.
Kale Caesar.
- See you for lunch, hombre.
- Can't wait.
That's great.
20.
Ahh! Isn't it lovely to go for a nice walk? It's hardly a walk, we're doing laps of the courtyard.
I thought you wanted to stroll along the river.
With all that pollution? Why would you want to go there? Cos it's not the bathhouse.
I'm really into you, Jason, and your core strength is improving but I don't get why we never go outside.
It's like we're hiding from something.
- Why would we hide? - What is it, then? Tell me.
OK, fine.
The reason I don't leave the bathhouse is cos I sort of live here.
Sorry? You what? I came for a free trial and I just ended up staying.
I sleep in the steam room.
I eat in the canteen.
I bathe in the well, it's a bathhouse, innit? So you're saying you haven't left here since I met you? Well, I can't.
Well, I can but then the trial expires.
And I'm really committed to this.
And our relationship, obviously.
That means our relationship's well weird, though, doesn't it? Why, what's weird about this? Cos we can't do any of the normal couple-y stuff, like, I don't know, meet each other's friends.
You can meet my friends any time.
They live here too.
I'll introduce you.
Grumio! And I can meet your friends if they ever become members or get jobs at the bathhouse.
But what about along the line if we ever want to settle down? We do it all here.
We pop out a couple of bathhouse babies, turn the storeroom into a creche.
It's the ideal environment to raise kids.
It's safe, it's warm, and think how toned they'll be.
Yeah, they would be really toned.
Oh, Jase, I don't know.
Come on, Cleo, we can do this.
You just need to be open minded.
You want my body to be more flexible for you, right? Well, I need your mind to be more flexible for me.
You can meet Grumio another time.
He's sneakier than I thought.
He's found me weak spot and he's prodding it.
It's torture.
Tried the kale fritters? I thought they were all right.
I don't want to try kale in any form.
I'd rather try cannibalism.
Don't look at me like that! - Still no sign of him? - Nothing.
It's been four days.
He said he was in here all the time.
He probably doesn't mean it like we do.
I'm thinking of calling it a day and going home.
- You and me both.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, crazy talk! We're living the dream here.
You can't jack it in now.
Do you guys want to live in a luxury urban bathhouse or not? - No.
- Oh, well, I forgot you don't.
- I do.
- Well, then, you got to adapt.
Get over your beef with kale.
Beef with kale would be fine.
I'd just eat the beef.
Take me, for example.
I am training like mad to get a strong and bendy core so I can pump in the pantry.
- Pantry? Where's the pantry? - It's in the staff area.
My point is, you've got to find your own coping strategy.
You can't let this chump beat you.
I'm already doing something to get me own back, as it goes.
Nice, what we talking? I piss in the plunge pool, mainly.
You piss in the plunge pool, that you're sitting in now? Yeah.
Just did one a second ago.
.
.
I've actually got too much money Oh, hey! Ha! Fancy seeing you here.
Hey! Er remind me.
We met here the other day.
We were going to discuss an investment opportunity.
Yes.
Sorry, I've been flat-out.
This is my first time back since.
I know! I mean I know what it's like.
Lucky we ran into each other.
What stage are you at? Finished your workout? Yep, all done with that.
Shame, I was gonna suggest that we talk turkey while we worky.
Oh, I could do more worky.
Actually went pretty easy on myself first time round.
Good man.
I've got something to show you.
Look, Mum, no hands.
Oh, Jason, that's amazing! Don't call me "Mum", though.
It's all down to your classes babe.
You must have squatted round the clock to improve this fast.
I wanted to prove I'm committed to you and the bathhouse.
I'm crazy about both of you! And people eat and drink there, in a toilet? It's not a working toilet, we had the toilets taken out.
What happens when a customer needs the toilet? Then we had another toilet put in.
Don't get bogged down in the toilet aspect.
The point is, it's a very cool bar and with a bit of investment it could be massive.
Look, friend, I can't lie.
This is not my field.
Thus far my company, Evander Asset Management, has mainly invested in the mining industry.
Take it from me, Evander, the leisure sector is a goldmine.
That's cute.
I like that.
And nowadays, young, high-rolling hipsters are splashing their cash on places rather than products, be it luxury bathhouses or buzzy wine bars.
Yes, well, I do want to tap into that youth market and that last bit didn't sound like total shit.
Thank you.
Let me think about it.
I'm off to my villa in the AM.
How about we circle back here on my return? Right, yes.
Where is your villa, out of interest? Sicily.
Pure bliss.
So when will that be? No idea.
He's going to his huge Sicilian villa.
It could take him weeks just to see every wing.
I've just got to accept I am now officially here for the long haul.
Boom.
Welcome to the neighbourhood.
Evening, lads, thought I'd come and administer your nightly turn-down service.
Cheers, Nero, you do look after us.
Whoa, no! N-uh! Where in hot fuck did you get that pineapple? This? It was sitting next to the beef and the cheese.
Bullshit, you must have been in the storeroom.
- Who was it? Who let you in? - Not telling.
That beef is a contraband buffet item.
Give it back, dude! Get off me meat! No, no! Oh! Oh, my arse! You singed my buns! Oh, OK, I know who it was.
Oi, Nero, wait! This isn't her fault! She had nothing to do with it! And, hold, hold, hold two, three, four Roll up your mat and get out of here, you bendy bitch.
You what? I'm in the middle of a class here, Nero.
You allowed unauthorised personnel into the storeroom.
- Oh, shit.
- To steal contraband food.
No, that's not why.
Me and Jase were just having sex in there.
Whoa, OK, well, that's even worse.
To be fair, there aren't many places for people to do it here.
Because we don't want people to do it in here! - Makes sense.
- But we didn't steal anything.
- It was just in and out.
- All the theft was Grumio.
He snuck in as we were at it.
- Lovely stuff.
- Oh, my God, you little perv! - How much did you see? - Not much, actually.
I were mainly looking for beef.
Great core strength, by the way.
Cheers, man.
Yeah, it's all about them deep squats.
Keeping those heels on the deck.
Either way, you broke staff rules taking guests to the storeroom, and that's a sackable offence.
No, please, Nero, I really need this job.
I'm so happy here.
Yeah, come on, look, don't sack her.
There's no need for that.
OK.
Look, she can keep her job on one condition.
That you three apes leave the bathhouse immediately, thereby ending your trial session.
Oh, thank you, Nero.
We really appreciate that.
Well hang on a sec, babe.
What? Why? Surely there's no contest? Jason? It's your call, hombre.
What's more important to you -- your girlfriend or the bathhouse? You really are an awful human being, aren't you? - But with such great skin.
- There'll be other instructors.
Exactly.
And I quite fancy that old cleaner, actually.
Just to tide me over.
Hey, Nero, when do we meet the new yoga teacher? Never, because you're leaving.
Nice one! Don't make me get the manifesto out again.
I'm afraid the manifesto is now null and void.
As is Elysium itself.
We're being taken over by a major investor.
Sadly for you, Evander Leisure doesn't offer free trials.
Sorry, Evander? As in .
.
have a retractable roof Hey.
You're back from Sicily.
Ah, I was hoping to run into you, friend.
- I wanted to thank you.
- You're welcome.
What for? For encouraging me to diversify, to invest in the leisure sector.
Yeah, I did specifically mean our bar.
Any chance you'll still do that? Oh, God, no.
I want to put all my energy into this place rather than flush my money down a toilet.
- It's a bar.
- Toilet, bar -- bar, toilet.
It's a branding shit-storm either way.
If you really wanted to thank Marcus, give him and his mates lifetime membership.
Well, I prefer to leave that sort of thing to the discretion of the club manager.
That's a no from me.
Leave your robes and slippers at reception on your way out.
We'll get our clothes from the lockers first.
You won't, dude.
As part of the rebrand, the contents of the lockers have been incinerated.
I kind of missed this, as it goes.
The traffic, the dogs, the dirt.
The dog dirt.
It's actually good to be back.
Oh, no, Grumio, please shield it.
You shield it, if you don't like it.