Plebs (2013) s05e07 Episode Script

The New Flat

This is your main living space-cum-dining area, which as you can see, boasts original period features, like these distressed wooden beams, mismatched lighting fixtures - It's a bit pokey, innit? - It is cosy, yes, and flexible, so you can use it however you want.
- One at a time, probably.
- Yeah, exactly.
- So, through here is your master bedroom.
- Bagsy that one.
The slave doesn't get the master bedroom, Grumio, - that goes to the master, famously.
- So where's the slave bedroom? There's a handy cupboard here, look.
If you can sleep standing up.
What, like a fucking owl? Stop moaning.
We're being evicted, we can't afford to be fussy.
If you're not feeling it, lads, I can see what else is out there.
But at 350 a week, this is a terrific option for your budget.
- There's ants in the cupboard.
- The landlord might accept 340.
- Is that mouse shit? - Or even 335.
Rat! There's a rat, there's a great bastard rat in here! Maybe we can be a bit fussy.
Is there any way we can have more time? Amazingly, it turns out you're not the worst landlord in Rome.
Thank you, I am touched, but if you're not out by next week, - I'll get an earful from Linda.
- Linda? Who's Linda? Linda.
Makes her own honey, sells it down the farmers' market.
- Oh, yeah, I've enjoyed her samples.
- As have I, in all senses.
And now she's keen to move in with me.
So what's that got to do with us? Well, I'm slightly less keen, so we're compromising, she's moving in upstairs.
As in your place.
So we're being evicted cos you've got commitment issues? Pretty much, yeah.
I mean, I'll lend you my storage unit so you can start moving your crap out.
So what do we do if we can't find anywhere we want to rent? I guess find somewhere you want to buy.
That's what I did.
Be lucky.
I mean, he is right, annoyingly, renting is a mug's game.
Things would be way less shit if we could get on the property ladder.
Yeah, but we can barely afford an actual ladder.
I know, but okay, look, my parents are coming this weekend and they've got some savings put aside for a rainy day.
Why would they give them to you? It's not even raining.
Because they love me.
And because I know how to manipulate them.
Right, and I'll go and see that estate agent geezer, see if he's got any new rentals.
Just for when that don't work.
Oh, it'll work, mate.
I'll pull their strings like a couple of puppets.
Divide and rule.
And if it doesn't, I'll just throw one of my mega tantrums.
That'll make for a cracking weekend.
Can't bloody wait.
This one just in.
Modern conversion, on at 300 a week.
- I like the arty red walls.
- I know.
Funky, right? I should say, it did used to be an abattoir.
Okay, I've stopped liking them now.
What else you got? Try this one.
Historic stone building, bit of a fixer-upper.
Amazing skylight, 360-degree views.
Is this a ruin? Technically, it is.
Were you looking for more Walls and a roof, yeah.
Come on, mate, help me out.
Surely you've got a few plush pads tucked away in your back pouch.
- I do have more sought-after properties.
- Nice.
For more sought-after clients, though.
Landlords are looking for professional couples these days.
We're professional.
Me and Marcus are well profesh.
And we can pretend to be a couple.
Within reason.
Kissing's fine.
They don't want slaves either.
Lowers the tone, apparently.
Grumio's not a slave, he's basically a dog.
- Or dogs.
- Not a dog, then, like a hamster.
Nice try.
You're a bit of a smooth talker, aren't you? Hey, I'm smooth all over, you should feel my tush.
Have you ever considered becoming an estate agent? Journey was a nightmare, stuck in traffic the whole way.
Only because he refused to pay for the toll road.
I am not shelling out on a road, Sylvia, I don't care how straight it is.
Quite right, Dad, you keep the money for important stuff.
Like taking you out for dinner, if there's anywhere you've - All-you-can-eat Chinese.
- Great, do we need to book or - Already done it.
- That would be such a blessing, we've not been able to eat properly for a while now.
Money wise And we're gonna see this wine bar of yours as well.
- Course, Mum.
Costs of living - And I'm gonna buy a boat.
Sorry, what? A boat? Yep, there's one in town I've got my beady little eye on.
Yeah, he's blowing our savings on it.
- Not all of your savings, surely? - Well, it's a bloody big boat.
It's a gaff-rigged, two-berth, lapstrake frigate.
I don't want any of that means, Lepi, but it sounds wicked.
Sounds more like a midlife crisis to me.
- I think it's incredible.
- Thank you, Marcus.
Incredible that your generation can enjoy the luxuries of gaff-rigged pleasure cruises while mine scrabbles around to survive.
Scrabbles? You're not scrabbling, are you? - Course he's not scrabbling.
- I am, actually.
I am scrabbling.
- We're being evicted this week.
- No, what have you done now? I committed the crime of being young in Rome.
We're putting our stuff into storage and then we're out on the streets.
- You're gonna be homeless? - Yep.
Sort of.
I mean, not literally on the street, no, but we will have to move to a slightly worse area - and a significantly smaller flat.
- So? A lot easier to clean.
And we'll still be at the mercy of violent bloodsucking landlords.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope, Mum.
Marcus, you poor little love.
Well, you could always come home with us.
Yeah, no, I meant, I don't know how I'm gonna cope whilst staying in the city.
I guess, maybe, is this a crazy idea? - What, what is it? - He wants you to buy him a flat.
Or house.
Depending on the budget.
You're a hoot, you are, son.
Buy you a flat? Rent is not that bad, you drama queen.
Now I need a drink.
Let's see this swanky wine bar that you own.
Everyone, meet Jason, the newest member of our lettings team.
Can we have the keys to 20 Arcadia Villas, please, Verity? - Yes, of course.
- Right, am I starting right away? Do I not need training? Can you unlock a door and lead people through it? - I think so.
- Then you're good to go.
Sweet! Oh, can I ask, do I get a free flat with the job? It's just that when I worked at the wine bar, I got free wine, so No, you don't get a free flat.
But use that smooth tongue of yours and rack up commissions, you'll soon be able to afford an extremely sick pad.
He'll need a clipboard.
- And the hair gel too, please, Verity.
- Oh, yes.
You see? It's really not swanky at all, it's more of a dive.
- Looks like a perfectly good bar to me.
- What a fascinating smell.
It used to be a toilet.
Still is, basically.
Hence why we hardly ever get any customers.
Welcome.
Care for a glass of vino, Mr Gallo? - Oh, yes.
- And one for you, madam? Sorry, are you Marcus's mother or sister? Oh! Silly.
What charming staff you have, Marcus.
Ah, mums love me.
- You must be so proud of how well he's doing.
- We are.
Well, you shouldn't be, cos I'm not doing well at all.
You should be ashamed and-or concerned.
To Marcus.
And his cushy life.
To Marcus.
That's coming out of your wages.
- You want me to do what, sorry? - Beat me up, lightly.
- Right.
Come on, then.
- Wait, not now, though.
Later, in front of my parents.
And say I owe you rent.
Yeah, but for once, you don't owe me rent.
So, okay, lie.
That shouldn't be too difficult for you, and then hit me.
A bit.
Not in the face, ideally.
See, that was the main draw for me, though.
Okay, well, a little in the face, and maybe two in the gut.
Two in the face, one in the gut, and you've got a deal.
- All right, fine.
- Lovely.
And thanks so much for thinking of me for this.
Oh, I can't wait.
You and me out on the open sea, dolphins razzing by, no-one asking me why I've not put up those shelves or taken the bins out.
No-one telling me to stop eating nuts or guffing.
That's what ships are for, every deck can be the poop deck.
Oh, you guff away, Grumio.
Or should I say, "first mate"? Aye, aye, Captain.
We're gonna make a hell of a team.
I am now stuck, by the way.
Yeah, it's a cracking property.
It's got all the walls, floors and that.
Doors.
Very soft bed, and dry, crucially.
Lovely view here.
Look.
And that does come with the flat.
Two bedrooms, so an extra room to put all your crap in.
Or put a baby in.
If you decide to have kids.
I mean, you're both so hot, it'd be rude not to.
And there's no restriction on the all-you-can-eat element? No, no, they don't fuck about like that, the Chinese.
Where you going? It's down this way, I can smell it.
This is a shortcut.
Come on.
There you are, you jizz hound.
- Oh, no, please.
- Marcus, what's going on? You owe me rent.
Where is it? Bloody hell.
Calm down, landlord.
- I don't have it, I'm sorry.
- You will be Let go of my son.
Or I will fucking kill you! Is that a blade? Has your mum got a blade? - Yeah, Mum, put the knife down.
- Let him go, right now! Easy, darling, I was just messing.
He told me to do it.
I didn't sign up for this, Marcus.
Sorry, Mrs G.
I hope you enjoy your visit.
Thank you.
So that's why you brought us this way? You shady, shady bastard.
Dinner, then? But, yeah, it is a banger, this one.
Available now.
Vacant.
Has been for three months.
Imagine that.
Sweet pad like this, just sat here, empty.
- Sorry, that was bad of me.
- Yes, it was.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Well, you can talk, you ran away.
- No, I was looking for help.
- What, behind a cart? And if I'd known you were carrying a sword in your handbag, Sylvia, I would've stayed put.
Well, someone has to be ready to protect our family.
Only from people Marcus has hired.
Yes, thank you, Grumio, shut up and eat your spring rolls.
And I only did that because I'm desperate.
In what way are you desperate? I'm desperate to get on the property ladder so I can stop throwing money away on rent.
- Oh, it's a sort of desperation.
- But I can't do that because you're spunking all our savings on some floating penis extension.
What do you mean, "our savings"? He's done 40 years hard graft on the farm, mate, - if he wants a penis boat, let him have one.
- It's not hard graft! He's mainly sitting around waiting for plants to grow.
He's right.
The money should go to Marcus.
- Thanks, Mum.
You're the best.
- No! No way.
I am sick to death of you putting yourself first, Lepidus.
Why are you always taking his side? - He's manipulating you.
- I am not.
- He is not.
- Mum and I just have a special bond, - and you don't understand.
- Exactly, he's my baby boy, Lepidus.
And I say he needs his own flat more than you need your dinghy.
It's a gaff-rigged two-berth lapstrake frigate! And if I can't have it, Sylvia, by Jove, it's over! Well, then, I guess it's over.
- Well, hang on.
- Fine.
Come on, Grumio.
We're not leaving now, are we? I'm only on my third plate.
No, we're just moving tables.
Sorry, you're an estate agent now? That wasn't quite the plan when you set off yesterday.
I know! It's my dream job.
I mooch around a sweet pad chatting shit, and at the end of the day I get to sleep in it.
You get to sleep in it or you illegally sleep in it? Yeah, that one.
I could ask Magnus if he's got a job going for you.
No need.
My parents are buying me a flat.
Nice! The old "divide and rule" worked, then? It worked.
A bit too well, if anything.
They kind of split up.
Oh, shit.
That sucks.
Yeah, but I do get my own flat, so on balance I think it's probably worth it.
Speaking as an estate agent, I can assure you it is.
- Morning, Grumio.
- All right, Lepi.
Turns out I can sleep standing up after all.
- Did you manage to get some shut-eye? - Just about.
Used a sack of onions for a pillow.
I dreamt I was sailing on my boat.
Then I woke up and remembered some little bastard had sunk it.
I'm sorry your son's such a massive bellend.
To be honest, Grumio, I think I was just trying to put miles of water between me and Sylvia.
Finally get some peace.
- Now we've split up, I can get that anyway.
- Totally.
I'm mainly pumped about shaking off Marcus.
I mean, he'll never let me eat raw onions, for example.
Well, there you go.
We can do what we want now, son, boat or no boat.
I can leave my clothes lying around, drink before noon, pick the dead skin off my feet.
- All the fun stuff.
- Cheers to that.
Tangy.
- Morning, all.
- Ah, here he is! All hail King Jason! Do the honours, Verity.
Oh, cool! Thanks.
And why am I king, please? It's just a little thing we do when someone rents their first flat.
A couple came in just now and took Arcadia Villas! Oh, no way? Wicked.
- I'm so pleased - They said you were great.
You'll be surprised to hear that praise for an estate agent is actually pretty rare.
- So, I can't go back there? - Not unless you're moving in with them.
So, hand over those keys.
But I mean, where do I go now? You go to a new property and rent that out.
That's how the job works.
Okay, fine.
So, actually, can I try a swankier pad this time? You know, for the challenge.
Ambitious, love it.
Course you can.
Maybe with a wet room and a balcony.
South-facing, ideally.
You take your pick.
I've got to run to a viewing.
Verity, show Jason the luxury range.
Now, this is more like it.
And with fewer rodents, I notice.
Well, your budget's a lot healthier.
I mean, you can afford to buy, for one thing.
Mum came to the rescue.
She's the best.
Good old bank of mum and dad.
Well, the money did come from us, yes, but me and his dad - are actually in the process of separating.
- He doesn't need to know that.
- Good size second bedroom through here.
- Great.
Grumio can finally wallow in his own den of filth.
Or he can keep wallowing with you and someone else could live here.
What, like a lodger? - More like a mother.
- Right.
Really? But don't you already live somewhere? I can't go back to the farm now I've ditched that selfish git.
And I'm young enough to start again.
Well, that's debatable, but even so, would you have to start again quite so close to me? Where else would I be than with my baby boy? You said it yourself, we've got a special bond.
Yeah, of course we do.
It'll be heavenly.
We can eat our meals together, have a snuggle on the sofa.
Go out on double dates.
Heavenly indeed.
I've got the paperwork here if you want to sign.
No, let's not with the paperwork quite yet.
You should buy the boat! Look who's come to poop on the party.
I don't want a flat any more.
You should get back with mum and buy your frigging great frigate.
You've changed your tune.
I searched my heart and saw that your needs were greater than mine.
- Horse shit.
- All right, fine.
Mum wants to move in with me and snuggle on the sofa.
Sounds cosy.
Careful she doesn't smother you to death.
So you'll do it? Patch things up and take her home.
- No way, I'm living the dream here.
- What, - drinking cherry wine in a storage unit? - And eating onions.
Enjoying our time upon the good ship Do As We Please.
- Which is technically a storage unit, yes.
- Come on, Dad.
Don't throw 30 years of marriage overboard.
Go and fight for her! Fight for her? I'm a selfish coward, Marcus, haven't you heard? I've moved on, mate.
I'm over her.
But what about me? Can't you stay together for the sake of the child? You've made your bed, son, now you've got to lie in it.
With your mother.
It is spacious.
Very airy.
It's a lovely gaff, it really is.
Nicely kitted out.
I mean, on first viewings you can't even tell.
- Tell what? - Sorry? You said on first viewing you can't even tell.
- Did I? - Yes.
You definitely did.
Well, I shouldn't have, all right? Cos I work on commission, you see.
So Naughty.
I mean, we are now gonna need to know what you mean by that.
Okay, fine.
Someone died here.
Quite horribly and mysteriously.
So everyone that moves in is like, "It's haunted and creepy!" It's probably bollocks, though.
Should we go and see the cellar? - Yes, good - Come on.
It's called an Aurelius special.
Gosh, it's very strong.
Sorry, Mum, I have to work late now my head barman is an estate agent so I can't go curtain shopping with you.
Don't worry, darling.
Aurelius is taking me out once he's finished his shift.
Great, thanks, Aurelius.
Hang on, sorry, taking you out on a date? Well, I wasn't so bold as to specify.
- We'll just play it by ear.
- No, we won't.
We won't play it by any part of the body, thank you.
Excuse me, I am single for the first time in over 30 years, Marcus, and I intend to make the most of it.
That is not making the most of it! He is the absolute least.
You cannot tell me who I may or may not step out with, Marcus.
You are not the boss of me.
Right, well, I am the boss of you, so step out with my mum and you are fired.
No, I'm not.
It's illegal to dismiss someone for their sexual preferences.
- What sexual preferences? - Well, for yummy mummies.
Aw, you think I'm a yummy mummy? - I think you're an absolutely scrummy mummy.
- Fuck's sake! Stay here where I can keep an eye on you, then.
Cheers.
If this isn't living, I don't know what is.
- Salve, Grumio.
- All right, landlord.
- What's going on here, then? - We put ourselves into storage.
Right, well, I don't want to evict you for a second time, but Linda's now set for the move.
And her honey-making gubbins needs storing.
That's all right.
We can cope with some gubbins, can't we? Absolutely.
We're very adaptable.
Suit yourselves.
Underfloor heating throughout, his and hers vanity unit, plunge pool through here - Hey, Magnus! What are you doing here? - Conducting a viewing.
I wanted you to do it, but you never came back to the office.
How come you're here? And wet? I'm also conducting a viewing.
I was just demonstrating the plunge pool to my Where have my clients gone? - Must have just left.
Weird.
- That is weird.
Weird, I didn't see them when I came in.
I did see some others, though, who said you told them the place was haunted.
It isn't.
Well, it might be.
Just cos it's not in our brochure - Are you living here, Jason? - No.
Not yet, anyway.
- Tonight'll be my first night.
- No, it won't.
You're fired.
Hand over your keys and get out.
Right now.
Yeah, sure.
Just give me 20 mins to pack up my shit.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
This morning I was King Jason.
Now I'm homeless Jason.
Well, you can always crash at my place where I live with my mother.
And possibly Aurelius, depending on how tonight goes.
How did it come to this? Evening, traitor.
Quick glass of wine for the road, please.
You're leaving? What happened to the storage unit? It's full of bees.
We're headed back to the farm.
Live in peace up there.
Tell the old girl we said goodbye, won't you? Tell her yourself.
She's just over there.
What's she doing with your noncy barman? I think they're on a date, actually.
A date? We only split up yesterday! What do you care? I thought you'd moved on.
I know.
I have.
I haven't! Get your sticky hands off her! Lepidus, what are you doing here? Now, sir, she's a single woman, she can do whatever No, please! Don't fight over me.
Come on, Sylvia.
Let's continue our evening away from this angry farmer.
Stop touching my wife! Holy fuck, he stabbed me! Dad, that's insane! Yes, love it.
Stab him again, Lepi! I've been a selfish old fool.
Oh, Lepidus, I've been so hard on you.
Don't ever change.
I'm lost without you, Sylv'.
No, no, leave it - So we can stay? - Yeah.
Linda went right off the area after she witnessed that brutal stabbing.
Sorry about that.
You bailed me out.
Things were moving too fast for me anyway.
So your pops did us all a favour.
Oh, yeah.
Apart from Aurelius.
I'm just chuffed them two are back together.
I think I'll sleep in here tonight.