Polyamory: Married And Dating (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Poly Rules
1 your love is like a river flowing through my veins your love is the fever I can't get enough I'm on fire we're on fire our love is too much for just one heart to take Oh, yeah.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's the effort getting the Linds' morning beast? I'm not getting up.
Anthony and Vanessa and I are committed to being poly.
And I'm in it for the long haul.
I love being married, and I lament that I can only be married to you.
- Let's get in the shower.
- All right.
You look beautiful in the morning.
Lindsey's back.
We're getting into a groove again.
The triad feels solid again.
I feel like she's willing to really spend that time on us.
Where did you put the shaving cream? You guys always use my shaving cream.
Isn't there a girl's shaving cream you can use? I suppose.
People who come to me and play the "Wow, you're so lucky.
You're a dude with two chicks.
" I say, "Come live in my household for a week.
" Why do you care so much about your fucking gendered objects? Because you guys use it in extraordinary amounts.
We're twice the man you are in here.
Our problems aren't only poly.
We have the same problems as you.
I had a professor.
He was kind of conservative.
I didn't like him that much, but the one thing I took from him-- Well, I think that's true.
It was true in my family.
Reads out loud, not just each reads their separate book.
Right, but has a group experience.
We're getting ready in the morning, we're having a good time.
Lindsey's phone rings, and pow.
- Hey, Linds.
- Hi.
Where are you? What? I'm not sure if I can come.
I got to talk to Anth and Ness about it and see what we're doing, and I'll call you right back.
All right.
Bye-bye.
You have to talk to us about what? That was Krystof.
And he is here in town for work.
He only has a couple hours free.
You saw him, like, days ago.
You have to give me a chance to at least explain to him that I'm going to be backing away.
You haven't said anything to him about us asking you to back off yet.
No.
Not yet.
You coward.
- Vanessa.
- You coward.
I think you're way too upset about this.
You're not even giving me a chance.
Giving you a chance to fucking do what? To clue him into the conversations we've been having about him.
You didn't do it 'cause you're afraid, 'cause you don't want to lose him.
Don't bullshit me about how you haven't had a chance.
Lindsey is trying to explain what she's doing.
She's trying to make it rational.
And I'm not buying it.
You had a conversation about whether or not you should be boyfriend, girlfriend without even bringing it to us.
I'm really, really, getting sick of the way you guys are treating me.
Now you're mad at me that I'm having the exact same feelings I told you I was having? Yes.
Your attitude about it really makes me want to just go.
Nobody's, like, gonna stand in the doorway and not let you leave.
I'm going to lunch to do what you guys asked me to do.
I'm sorry if that hurts.
What we asked you to do is not go to lunch.
So you're basically doing not at all what we asked you to do.
We made this agreement that she was going to take a break.
I guess we have very different conceptions of what a break is.
You go to this lunch and it's just loving and cute, and you don't tell him that we're having this issue? Of course I'm gonna to tell him.
You're lying.
This conversation is that-- Krystof-I-need-to-back-off conversation.
Of course I'm going to tell him.
That's what-- Don't get snippy with me.
You didn't tell him.
But you're acting totally passive-aggressive and resentful, and it's really hard to feel compassion for you when you act like that.
It is hard for me to be backing off from Krystof.
It's a struggle.
And I'm facing it head-on.
And going to lunch with him is to me, the best way to face it head-on.
She's calling me a coward when I'm trying so hard.
I just had to get out of there.
Did she actually just leave the house? Yes.
What the fuck? - Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
Our community experiment with Jen and Tahl has officially begun.
My hopes are that it's not just going to be about roommates moving in.
And that's it's going to be all about love, that we're really developing a four-person adult relationship.
I want to welcome them with a nice little breakfast.
Yeah.
We'll make the best of the morning.
- Is that everything? - Yup.
Okay, cool.
Hey, cuties.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Yeah.
Now that we live together, it's like a honeymoon.
We can make love as much as we want, but the depth is also greater because we don't just share a bed-- We're sharing our lives together.
Okay.
Do you want attention now? Is that what you're saying? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- All right.
So then take the oatmeal off the bed.
Sex with one person becomes monotonous.
Foursomes have their own dynamic.
It's beautiful when the four of us are making love.
It brings us all really close, and there's sensual intimacy with everyone.
So everyone's kind of touching everyone and riding off each other's orgasms or sexual energy.
- Mm, so beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
I love the people that I sleep with.
I think that's the difference between polyamory and swinging.
When we're having a foursome, it's either Kamala and I are making love or Tahl and Kamala are making love.
I love being sensual with people.
That's a lot easier for me to do.
I like kissing and touching and eye-gazing.
The eyes are the window to the soul.
So making love with your eyes open is saying, "I want to make love to all of you.
" It's your dreams, your fantasies, your thoughts.
No part of you is not loved by me.
I do not have as much as a sex drive as Kamala, Michael, and Tahl.
Penetration is a big deal for me.
I don't know why.
That's just how I'm built.
Um Y-- I'm done with you.
Jen and Tahl really have to work to make poly work for them.
I look at Tahl as ready to go, wanting to love, go deeper, faster.
Where as Jen, she's not quite as ready.
But when we're all doing four-way energy, we go as slow as the person with the smallest legs.
- Should we do lunch? - Yeah.
Yeah? So we're going to do our lunch and make our relationship agreements, house rules.
It'll be a working lunch.
Okay, yeah.
So thank you for doing the shopping.
Yeah.
I'm sure there's lots of people that see polyamory and think, "Wow, that's a great idea.
It's a great concept.
" But thinking about poly and doing poly are two completely different things.
You're going to go to the store? - Yeah, going to get lunch.
- Can we get some soap? You want dish soap and you want gum.
Ask Kamala if she needs anything.
- All right, love you.
- I love you too.
Bye, sweetie.
Do we need to get toilet paper? TP? No, no, we have TP in there.
My dynamic with Jen is I have a lot of love for her and a lot of attraction too.
I'd like to be making love with her more.
And I know that there's been so much stress with the move-in and with everything else that's been going on that it's-- It's been sort of hard to just kind of sync into that.
I'd like to see more passion here in the house.
I'm still so lit up from this morning.
Mm.
Me too.
My relationship with Kamala is a fiery one.
She and I definitely ignite each other.
And I'm very sexually attracted to her.
All right, I think I'm ready for a little more.
I want to get up early in the morning and jump into bed with her.
I want to stay late at night.
And a little bit of emotion's coming up with Jennifer around that.
I have to admit, it's a little bit frustrating sometimes.
- I, um-- - Probably check in with Jen? Yeah.
Why don't we wait and see what's going on for her.
Like, once she's cool, then we're cool.
But let's not rush things 'cause-- - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right.
Hmm.
I'm going to see Krystof to tell him we have to spend less time together.
And yet, I don't know if I'm making the right decision.
And I don't know what the repercussions are going to be.
So I'm feeling very conflicted.
Hi.
Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you? Good.
Want to sit down? I don't want to have to tell him that we have to spend less time together, we have to back away.
So I left in kind of a mess.
I really wanted to see you.
Vanessa didn't want me to leave.
They're pretty upset with me.
Yeah.
Because I have been neglecting them.
The fact that Lindsey wants to go have lunch with Krystof when Vanessa is so clearly upset is really out of line.
And I really expected her to be more sensitive to what we were going through.
I know where Lindsey and Krystof are going to meet because there aren't that many places to do it in Riverside.
Let's go get them.
I have this fear with Lindsey that she's not representing herself to Krystof the same way she's representing herself to us.
And I just felt this need to see what she's doing with Krystof, what's she's doing with us, if the stories match up.
And I couldn't think of another way to do it.
Hi.
Look, the whole family's here.
This is awkward.
The reason we're here is we don't trust you to explain it by yourself.
You know? Why shouldn't we all process it together? We do everything together.
I'm shocked that Vanessa and Anthony walk up.
I don't know if they're going to make a scene, if they're going to tell me I have to break up with Krystof right here and now, or what.
- Hey, cutie.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Sweetie.
- Hi, honey.
Thank you.
Probably want to start our meeting.
You guys going outside? Yeah, we're going to eat outside.
Now this is the way life should be.
It's the way life is.
It's a new living situation that we're in.
And I think it's important that we all lay down some new rules.
Jen and I have our rules.
Michael and Kamala have their rules.
But now not only are you just bringing two couples together, it's a four-way dynamic.
And so it makes it more complicated.
So, chores.
I would rather give you a blow job than take out the fucking trash.
- It's a deal.
- It's a deal.
It's a deal.
They're taking the trash out every day.
The trash is always going to be full.
Let's get specific about sexual boundaries.
What's okay with you? Just use condoms.
That's obviously-- All of our relationship agreements, I'm not worried about that.
I know how safe you guys are.
- Yeah.
- I just don't feel any concern.
- Anal sex is okay? - You can have anal sex.
You can pee each other.
You can take showers together.
I don't care.
Between you and I, do-- Are there any boundaries of how you don't want me to touch you, or-- Oh, no.
No.
You not-- You don't touch me enough as far as I'm concerned.
I agree.
When people hear polyamory, they think, "free love.
" Like, it's just, like, "go off and be with whomever," when in fact, it actually takes a lot of different rules to make it work.
The agreement that you guys have that I'm aware of is if you're upset, he's not to have sex with someone else.
That's right.
That's right.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
So today, while you guys were at the grocery store, I wasn't totally sure if we were totally cool, so Tahl and I decided not to have sex while you guys were gone.
Ah.
Me not wanting Tahl to sleep with Kamala has nothing to do with Kamala.
It's just, I think out of the whole group of us, I'm probably the most jealous.
And it's really, really, really something I want to get over.
Curfew is our second one.
- What's the curfew? - Curfew is The curfew is when Jen says the curfew is.
Basically, it means that I just-- I want him to be home with me to sleep, generally, not always.
And that I ask him to honor that.
So if I'm getting home from dance at 1:00, I ask him to be home at 1:00.
Does that work for you, Tahl? Yeah, that's-- That works for me right now.
I'm totally laid-back.
There's not too many things that bother me.
At the same time, sometimes it gets a little too much where I just have to be, like, "Fuck, Jen.
You know, just does everything have to be your way?" I don't want to sound so bad, but it's just want I need right now.
We don't date people unless they are enhancing our relationship.
I don't know if you guys want to take that on.
We try to just date people that are-- That are poly.
And the reason for that is because if you're dating someone who's monogamous, they may not have the same rules about honesty.
And the basis of poly is honesty.
What we found through the years is that dating monogamous people takes so much work that it creates drama and chaos.
There are exceptions.
Honey.
Surprise, surprise.
Roxanne's my favorite girlfriend.
She's always knocking on the door with love letters, gifts.
It's, like, everything about her just makes my heart, you know, just swell.
Hi, honey.
Mwah.
Mwah.
I'm glad you're here.
These are for the ladies which the men can enjoy.
They're just little things.
I wanted, like, a tangible thing to solidify you guys are moved in.
I love underwear.
- Thank you.
- Oh, nice.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, wow, those are sexy.
- Those are hot.
I thank you for that too.
You're welcome.
I think Roxanne's wonderful.
I'd like to see Roxanne in an open place within our pod.
But Kamala doesn't want to do that.
Oh, my God.
This is dangerous.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I like that color on your skin tone.
I don't share her with anyone, not even Michael.
I'm just not ready to-- To share her yet.
And I know Michael's not happy about it, but that's my boundary right now.
Wow, I can't wait till we wear these.
- I'd like to see them on you.
- Yeah.
She has excluded me from dating Roxanne, and that's really not okay.
Well, we're just going to say good-bye now.
Wow.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
Bye, you guys.
There's something about Roxanne, and it makes me want to be alone with her.
It just brings up a certain possessiveness.
It's not fair to me that you come by and make me-- And pull me away, honey.
Okay, give me one more kiss, and then I'll let you go.
Okay.
I'm like a walking contradiction.
I have this great theory, this ideal about us all sharing lovers, but in practice there's a little wounded girl who sometimes doesn't want to share her toys and wants to throw a little temper tantrum.
Well, what do you think about Roxanne? We haven't involved her at all in any of the discussions.
Right, right.
Well, Roxanne, through me, understands our relationship.
Basically, we have the rule that we're not allowed to see her.
And so for me, you know, that sounds like not a poly relationship.
'Cause that-- That sounds like mono.
Mono is you're not allowed to see other people.
I'm not ready for you guys to date Roxanne.
I don't really want to date Roxanne, and I'm fine with their relationship.
It doesn't really affect me.
I can't tell whether Michael really wants to date Roxanne, or if it's just because Kamala is saying no, that it's a big deal to him.
I'm Roxanne's only girlfriend.
That makes me feel special, and I get that need met in that way.
If you dissect what poly rules are Mm-hmm.
It really seems like you're breaking those rules.
When Michael said that I was acting monogamous, I was, like, "Who are you talking about?" I'm the queen of poly.
Who are you calling mono? And it really actually hurt.
I think what's underneath is that you're attracted to Roxanne.
I've always been attracted to Roxanne.
I don't know, it does seem like you're making some rules for yourself that you're not allowing others to have.
I guess, you know, I just have to get over the idea that, like, she loves me so much.
And it makes me feel so special.
And that her love for anyone of you isn't going to change how special my love is.
It's like old programming, that somehow, her love for someone else is going to take away from our love.
The downside to poly is all of the emotional conversations and the deep managing of psychological drama.
It feels like you have to have a PhD in psychology to manage everybody's feelings.
You know, right now I hear you.
You got an attraction, and you want to look at this deeper.
And I-- I'll-- You know, I'm open to that.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Okay.
I hear you.
But I'm just not ready to share my girlfriend yet.
We haven't had a lot of time alone to talk about these new developments.
And I want us to talk as a group.
I just want to be able to talk to him alone first.
Look, Linds.
You were talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend.
And it hit us out of the blue.
I feel like it's unfair to Krystof too.
Like, he doesn't understand how we work.
He thinks you can just talk about this and then come bring it to us, like, for approval.
My understanding was that everything had to be okay by both of you.
And that she would get permission where she needed to, but for a lot of things, - she didn't need permission.
- I mean, it's-- She was wrong about some of those things.
She was wrong about some of those things.
Krystof doesn't get it, that he's not entitled to Lindsey, but he will.
I think I can take responsibility for that too.
This isn't about, like, little rules being broken.
It's about a bigger picture of honoring that functioning of the triad first.
And for her to say, "I'm in love with somebody, and he's my new boyfriend.
It's that okay?" Is not honoring the functioning of the triad first.
I understand that it sounds crazy, but I can tell you for a fact that this feels very different from any other crush-thing in my history.
This is not the same feeling.
One of the terms we use in polyamory is "new relationship energy.
" And it can apply to any sort of excitement over a new person.
Just like in my relationship with Krystof.
It's very normal to want to be monogamous with your new person but that isn't a permanent state.
The problem is that your response to feeling differently, was to be secretive about it, to take it away from us.
Like, we're hurt now.
I see where you're coming from.
I also don't know how to undo what we built.
Their solution is that I, um, back off from you for a while to try to balance things out, to give more attention to the triad.
I know we just showed up and parachuted in here and crashed her time.
As a gesture of good faith towards you, we're going to go home.
Finish your time, you know.
Like, have some time together.
Thank you.
Andiamo.
Andiamo, bello.
You know, this means things are going to change.
I think I just have to communicate a lot with them right now.
After we talked at the coffee shop, Anthony and I decided to leave Lindsey and Krystof to talk alone for a little while.
That could have been terrible and it was good.
I was pretty impressed with you.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just still processing.
I treated Krystof like he was causing me pain.
When really, it was the situation and my girlfriend, Lindsey, who is actually causing me the pain.
I feel kind of, like, oh-- All exhausted.
But I also feel good.
I just-- There's nothing that wine can't fix.
There's nothing that wine can't fix.
Never forget that.
I broke some rules between the triad.
Anthony and Vanessa-- I understand why they're upset now that we've talked about it.
How was it? Painful.
I think you can be grateful for this pain.
As much as it hurts me and as much you kind of fucked it up, what's really beautiful about it is that it indicates to me that you really have a lot of capacity for connecting with people.
Also, don't forget how lucky we are.
I mean, if you were a monogamous person, you would either really want this person and never get to do anything about it.
Mm-hmm.
Or you would have to break up with us.
- And then you would only get one.
- Well-- Yeah, don't be a brat.
I mean-- Takes a lot of courage to step down off your high horse and say, "All right, you know what? I can see where I was wrong here.
" And she did it.
No matter how tough things get, I never doubt that polyamory is the right choice for me and my family.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's the effort getting the Linds' morning beast? I'm not getting up.
Anthony and Vanessa and I are committed to being poly.
And I'm in it for the long haul.
I love being married, and I lament that I can only be married to you.
- Let's get in the shower.
- All right.
You look beautiful in the morning.
Lindsey's back.
We're getting into a groove again.
The triad feels solid again.
I feel like she's willing to really spend that time on us.
Where did you put the shaving cream? You guys always use my shaving cream.
Isn't there a girl's shaving cream you can use? I suppose.
People who come to me and play the "Wow, you're so lucky.
You're a dude with two chicks.
" I say, "Come live in my household for a week.
" Why do you care so much about your fucking gendered objects? Because you guys use it in extraordinary amounts.
We're twice the man you are in here.
Our problems aren't only poly.
We have the same problems as you.
I had a professor.
He was kind of conservative.
I didn't like him that much, but the one thing I took from him-- Well, I think that's true.
It was true in my family.
Reads out loud, not just each reads their separate book.
Right, but has a group experience.
We're getting ready in the morning, we're having a good time.
Lindsey's phone rings, and pow.
- Hey, Linds.
- Hi.
Where are you? What? I'm not sure if I can come.
I got to talk to Anth and Ness about it and see what we're doing, and I'll call you right back.
All right.
Bye-bye.
You have to talk to us about what? That was Krystof.
And he is here in town for work.
He only has a couple hours free.
You saw him, like, days ago.
You have to give me a chance to at least explain to him that I'm going to be backing away.
You haven't said anything to him about us asking you to back off yet.
No.
Not yet.
You coward.
- Vanessa.
- You coward.
I think you're way too upset about this.
You're not even giving me a chance.
Giving you a chance to fucking do what? To clue him into the conversations we've been having about him.
You didn't do it 'cause you're afraid, 'cause you don't want to lose him.
Don't bullshit me about how you haven't had a chance.
Lindsey is trying to explain what she's doing.
She's trying to make it rational.
And I'm not buying it.
You had a conversation about whether or not you should be boyfriend, girlfriend without even bringing it to us.
I'm really, really, getting sick of the way you guys are treating me.
Now you're mad at me that I'm having the exact same feelings I told you I was having? Yes.
Your attitude about it really makes me want to just go.
Nobody's, like, gonna stand in the doorway and not let you leave.
I'm going to lunch to do what you guys asked me to do.
I'm sorry if that hurts.
What we asked you to do is not go to lunch.
So you're basically doing not at all what we asked you to do.
We made this agreement that she was going to take a break.
I guess we have very different conceptions of what a break is.
You go to this lunch and it's just loving and cute, and you don't tell him that we're having this issue? Of course I'm gonna to tell him.
You're lying.
This conversation is that-- Krystof-I-need-to-back-off conversation.
Of course I'm going to tell him.
That's what-- Don't get snippy with me.
You didn't tell him.
But you're acting totally passive-aggressive and resentful, and it's really hard to feel compassion for you when you act like that.
It is hard for me to be backing off from Krystof.
It's a struggle.
And I'm facing it head-on.
And going to lunch with him is to me, the best way to face it head-on.
She's calling me a coward when I'm trying so hard.
I just had to get out of there.
Did she actually just leave the house? Yes.
What the fuck? - Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
Our community experiment with Jen and Tahl has officially begun.
My hopes are that it's not just going to be about roommates moving in.
And that's it's going to be all about love, that we're really developing a four-person adult relationship.
I want to welcome them with a nice little breakfast.
Yeah.
We'll make the best of the morning.
- Is that everything? - Yup.
Okay, cool.
Hey, cuties.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Yeah.
Now that we live together, it's like a honeymoon.
We can make love as much as we want, but the depth is also greater because we don't just share a bed-- We're sharing our lives together.
Okay.
Do you want attention now? Is that what you're saying? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- All right.
So then take the oatmeal off the bed.
Sex with one person becomes monotonous.
Foursomes have their own dynamic.
It's beautiful when the four of us are making love.
It brings us all really close, and there's sensual intimacy with everyone.
So everyone's kind of touching everyone and riding off each other's orgasms or sexual energy.
- Mm, so beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
I love the people that I sleep with.
I think that's the difference between polyamory and swinging.
When we're having a foursome, it's either Kamala and I are making love or Tahl and Kamala are making love.
I love being sensual with people.
That's a lot easier for me to do.
I like kissing and touching and eye-gazing.
The eyes are the window to the soul.
So making love with your eyes open is saying, "I want to make love to all of you.
" It's your dreams, your fantasies, your thoughts.
No part of you is not loved by me.
I do not have as much as a sex drive as Kamala, Michael, and Tahl.
Penetration is a big deal for me.
I don't know why.
That's just how I'm built.
Um Y-- I'm done with you.
Jen and Tahl really have to work to make poly work for them.
I look at Tahl as ready to go, wanting to love, go deeper, faster.
Where as Jen, she's not quite as ready.
But when we're all doing four-way energy, we go as slow as the person with the smallest legs.
- Should we do lunch? - Yeah.
Yeah? So we're going to do our lunch and make our relationship agreements, house rules.
It'll be a working lunch.
Okay, yeah.
So thank you for doing the shopping.
Yeah.
I'm sure there's lots of people that see polyamory and think, "Wow, that's a great idea.
It's a great concept.
" But thinking about poly and doing poly are two completely different things.
You're going to go to the store? - Yeah, going to get lunch.
- Can we get some soap? You want dish soap and you want gum.
Ask Kamala if she needs anything.
- All right, love you.
- I love you too.
Bye, sweetie.
Do we need to get toilet paper? TP? No, no, we have TP in there.
My dynamic with Jen is I have a lot of love for her and a lot of attraction too.
I'd like to be making love with her more.
And I know that there's been so much stress with the move-in and with everything else that's been going on that it's-- It's been sort of hard to just kind of sync into that.
I'd like to see more passion here in the house.
I'm still so lit up from this morning.
Mm.
Me too.
My relationship with Kamala is a fiery one.
She and I definitely ignite each other.
And I'm very sexually attracted to her.
All right, I think I'm ready for a little more.
I want to get up early in the morning and jump into bed with her.
I want to stay late at night.
And a little bit of emotion's coming up with Jennifer around that.
I have to admit, it's a little bit frustrating sometimes.
- I, um-- - Probably check in with Jen? Yeah.
Why don't we wait and see what's going on for her.
Like, once she's cool, then we're cool.
But let's not rush things 'cause-- - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right.
Hmm.
I'm going to see Krystof to tell him we have to spend less time together.
And yet, I don't know if I'm making the right decision.
And I don't know what the repercussions are going to be.
So I'm feeling very conflicted.
Hi.
Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you? Good.
Want to sit down? I don't want to have to tell him that we have to spend less time together, we have to back away.
So I left in kind of a mess.
I really wanted to see you.
Vanessa didn't want me to leave.
They're pretty upset with me.
Yeah.
Because I have been neglecting them.
The fact that Lindsey wants to go have lunch with Krystof when Vanessa is so clearly upset is really out of line.
And I really expected her to be more sensitive to what we were going through.
I know where Lindsey and Krystof are going to meet because there aren't that many places to do it in Riverside.
Let's go get them.
I have this fear with Lindsey that she's not representing herself to Krystof the same way she's representing herself to us.
And I just felt this need to see what she's doing with Krystof, what's she's doing with us, if the stories match up.
And I couldn't think of another way to do it.
Hi.
Look, the whole family's here.
This is awkward.
The reason we're here is we don't trust you to explain it by yourself.
You know? Why shouldn't we all process it together? We do everything together.
I'm shocked that Vanessa and Anthony walk up.
I don't know if they're going to make a scene, if they're going to tell me I have to break up with Krystof right here and now, or what.
- Hey, cutie.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Sweetie.
- Hi, honey.
Thank you.
Probably want to start our meeting.
You guys going outside? Yeah, we're going to eat outside.
Now this is the way life should be.
It's the way life is.
It's a new living situation that we're in.
And I think it's important that we all lay down some new rules.
Jen and I have our rules.
Michael and Kamala have their rules.
But now not only are you just bringing two couples together, it's a four-way dynamic.
And so it makes it more complicated.
So, chores.
I would rather give you a blow job than take out the fucking trash.
- It's a deal.
- It's a deal.
It's a deal.
They're taking the trash out every day.
The trash is always going to be full.
Let's get specific about sexual boundaries.
What's okay with you? Just use condoms.
That's obviously-- All of our relationship agreements, I'm not worried about that.
I know how safe you guys are.
- Yeah.
- I just don't feel any concern.
- Anal sex is okay? - You can have anal sex.
You can pee each other.
You can take showers together.
I don't care.
Between you and I, do-- Are there any boundaries of how you don't want me to touch you, or-- Oh, no.
No.
You not-- You don't touch me enough as far as I'm concerned.
I agree.
When people hear polyamory, they think, "free love.
" Like, it's just, like, "go off and be with whomever," when in fact, it actually takes a lot of different rules to make it work.
The agreement that you guys have that I'm aware of is if you're upset, he's not to have sex with someone else.
That's right.
That's right.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
So today, while you guys were at the grocery store, I wasn't totally sure if we were totally cool, so Tahl and I decided not to have sex while you guys were gone.
Ah.
Me not wanting Tahl to sleep with Kamala has nothing to do with Kamala.
It's just, I think out of the whole group of us, I'm probably the most jealous.
And it's really, really, really something I want to get over.
Curfew is our second one.
- What's the curfew? - Curfew is The curfew is when Jen says the curfew is.
Basically, it means that I just-- I want him to be home with me to sleep, generally, not always.
And that I ask him to honor that.
So if I'm getting home from dance at 1:00, I ask him to be home at 1:00.
Does that work for you, Tahl? Yeah, that's-- That works for me right now.
I'm totally laid-back.
There's not too many things that bother me.
At the same time, sometimes it gets a little too much where I just have to be, like, "Fuck, Jen.
You know, just does everything have to be your way?" I don't want to sound so bad, but it's just want I need right now.
We don't date people unless they are enhancing our relationship.
I don't know if you guys want to take that on.
We try to just date people that are-- That are poly.
And the reason for that is because if you're dating someone who's monogamous, they may not have the same rules about honesty.
And the basis of poly is honesty.
What we found through the years is that dating monogamous people takes so much work that it creates drama and chaos.
There are exceptions.
Honey.
Surprise, surprise.
Roxanne's my favorite girlfriend.
She's always knocking on the door with love letters, gifts.
It's, like, everything about her just makes my heart, you know, just swell.
Hi, honey.
Mwah.
Mwah.
I'm glad you're here.
These are for the ladies which the men can enjoy.
They're just little things.
I wanted, like, a tangible thing to solidify you guys are moved in.
I love underwear.
- Thank you.
- Oh, nice.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, wow, those are sexy.
- Those are hot.
I thank you for that too.
You're welcome.
I think Roxanne's wonderful.
I'd like to see Roxanne in an open place within our pod.
But Kamala doesn't want to do that.
Oh, my God.
This is dangerous.
- Is it? - Yeah.
I like that color on your skin tone.
I don't share her with anyone, not even Michael.
I'm just not ready to-- To share her yet.
And I know Michael's not happy about it, but that's my boundary right now.
Wow, I can't wait till we wear these.
- I'd like to see them on you.
- Yeah.
She has excluded me from dating Roxanne, and that's really not okay.
Well, we're just going to say good-bye now.
Wow.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
Bye, you guys.
There's something about Roxanne, and it makes me want to be alone with her.
It just brings up a certain possessiveness.
It's not fair to me that you come by and make me-- And pull me away, honey.
Okay, give me one more kiss, and then I'll let you go.
Okay.
I'm like a walking contradiction.
I have this great theory, this ideal about us all sharing lovers, but in practice there's a little wounded girl who sometimes doesn't want to share her toys and wants to throw a little temper tantrum.
Well, what do you think about Roxanne? We haven't involved her at all in any of the discussions.
Right, right.
Well, Roxanne, through me, understands our relationship.
Basically, we have the rule that we're not allowed to see her.
And so for me, you know, that sounds like not a poly relationship.
'Cause that-- That sounds like mono.
Mono is you're not allowed to see other people.
I'm not ready for you guys to date Roxanne.
I don't really want to date Roxanne, and I'm fine with their relationship.
It doesn't really affect me.
I can't tell whether Michael really wants to date Roxanne, or if it's just because Kamala is saying no, that it's a big deal to him.
I'm Roxanne's only girlfriend.
That makes me feel special, and I get that need met in that way.
If you dissect what poly rules are Mm-hmm.
It really seems like you're breaking those rules.
When Michael said that I was acting monogamous, I was, like, "Who are you talking about?" I'm the queen of poly.
Who are you calling mono? And it really actually hurt.
I think what's underneath is that you're attracted to Roxanne.
I've always been attracted to Roxanne.
I don't know, it does seem like you're making some rules for yourself that you're not allowing others to have.
I guess, you know, I just have to get over the idea that, like, she loves me so much.
And it makes me feel so special.
And that her love for anyone of you isn't going to change how special my love is.
It's like old programming, that somehow, her love for someone else is going to take away from our love.
The downside to poly is all of the emotional conversations and the deep managing of psychological drama.
It feels like you have to have a PhD in psychology to manage everybody's feelings.
You know, right now I hear you.
You got an attraction, and you want to look at this deeper.
And I-- I'll-- You know, I'm open to that.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Okay.
I hear you.
But I'm just not ready to share my girlfriend yet.
We haven't had a lot of time alone to talk about these new developments.
And I want us to talk as a group.
I just want to be able to talk to him alone first.
Look, Linds.
You were talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend.
And it hit us out of the blue.
I feel like it's unfair to Krystof too.
Like, he doesn't understand how we work.
He thinks you can just talk about this and then come bring it to us, like, for approval.
My understanding was that everything had to be okay by both of you.
And that she would get permission where she needed to, but for a lot of things, - she didn't need permission.
- I mean, it's-- She was wrong about some of those things.
She was wrong about some of those things.
Krystof doesn't get it, that he's not entitled to Lindsey, but he will.
I think I can take responsibility for that too.
This isn't about, like, little rules being broken.
It's about a bigger picture of honoring that functioning of the triad first.
And for her to say, "I'm in love with somebody, and he's my new boyfriend.
It's that okay?" Is not honoring the functioning of the triad first.
I understand that it sounds crazy, but I can tell you for a fact that this feels very different from any other crush-thing in my history.
This is not the same feeling.
One of the terms we use in polyamory is "new relationship energy.
" And it can apply to any sort of excitement over a new person.
Just like in my relationship with Krystof.
It's very normal to want to be monogamous with your new person but that isn't a permanent state.
The problem is that your response to feeling differently, was to be secretive about it, to take it away from us.
Like, we're hurt now.
I see where you're coming from.
I also don't know how to undo what we built.
Their solution is that I, um, back off from you for a while to try to balance things out, to give more attention to the triad.
I know we just showed up and parachuted in here and crashed her time.
As a gesture of good faith towards you, we're going to go home.
Finish your time, you know.
Like, have some time together.
Thank you.
Andiamo.
Andiamo, bello.
You know, this means things are going to change.
I think I just have to communicate a lot with them right now.
After we talked at the coffee shop, Anthony and I decided to leave Lindsey and Krystof to talk alone for a little while.
That could have been terrible and it was good.
I was pretty impressed with you.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just still processing.
I treated Krystof like he was causing me pain.
When really, it was the situation and my girlfriend, Lindsey, who is actually causing me the pain.
I feel kind of, like, oh-- All exhausted.
But I also feel good.
I just-- There's nothing that wine can't fix.
There's nothing that wine can't fix.
Never forget that.
I broke some rules between the triad.
Anthony and Vanessa-- I understand why they're upset now that we've talked about it.
How was it? Painful.
I think you can be grateful for this pain.
As much as it hurts me and as much you kind of fucked it up, what's really beautiful about it is that it indicates to me that you really have a lot of capacity for connecting with people.
Also, don't forget how lucky we are.
I mean, if you were a monogamous person, you would either really want this person and never get to do anything about it.
Mm-hmm.
Or you would have to break up with us.
- And then you would only get one.
- Well-- Yeah, don't be a brat.
I mean-- Takes a lot of courage to step down off your high horse and say, "All right, you know what? I can see where I was wrong here.
" And she did it.
No matter how tough things get, I never doubt that polyamory is the right choice for me and my family.