Porridge (1973) s01e03 Episode Script
A Night In
'You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for five years.
' Hello, Fletch.
You WAS expecting me? They informed me, yes.
Only temporary, they said.
You're too right! Single cell this is - mine.
It's not MY fault.
No, I'm just saying.
It's only temporary.
OK! Dump your stuff.
Get out of my light! Is this where you want me to sleep? What? I presume I'm on the bottom.
Top bunk's status.
Yeah, course it is.
Well, if you wouldn't mind shifting your stuff What? Oh, dear! God Almighty! It's not MY fault! So you keep saying! They had a riot on my landing.
My cell-mate, Banksy, was a ringleader.
He set fire to his mattress.
And mine.
Headcase, that Banks.
He's being transferred.
Headcase.
He wasn't bad to share with.
He was always nice to ME.
He showed me the ropes and never displayed no violence.
Oi! He smuggled a kitten in, and from the way he handled it, you could see the gentle side of his nature.
What?! Before he lit his mattress, he threw a screw off the landing! He wasn't hurt - he hit the safety net.
That's somewhat academic.
The fact remains that Joe Banks hurled a 15-stone prison officer off the landing.
Only cos he said he couldn't keep the kitten! It's hardly an excuse! That won't cut much ice with his parole board! Can't see the harm, meself.
Look, it's rules, that's what the harm is.
You can keep caged birds, or insects in matchboxes, but not cats, and Banksy knows that, the porridge he's done.
It was only a little kitten.
Kittens differ from cats only in scale.
They still have the same lavatorial tendencies.
They pee on your blankets.
I can't see the harm.
It's just rules! I've got rules here, or rather standards.
While you're a resident here, you have to abide by my standards.
Which are? You don't snore, you don't rabbit and you don't pick your nose.
I don't do any of them.
We should get on OK, then.
Banksy didn't complain.
An animal like him wouldn't.
Well, I don't.
That's OK, then.
You're sitting on my paper.
Ohsorry.
That's another thing.
You can read the paper, but only when I've finished with it.
Right.
Out of the way, then.
I've got some grey darning thread.
What? I've got some thread if you want that hole darned.
Oh, yeah.
Ta.
I see your standards don't include sweaty feet.
It's unhealthy not to sweat - like a dog with a dry nose.
You settling in all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I keep me pecker up.
They can't grind ME down, these nerks in here.
Bide your time.
DOORS SLAM OUTSIDE I'm finding it very hard to adjust.
It's unnatural, men in cages.
Bide your time.
I don't mind work, and as I'm in the kitchen I get plenty of grub.
The screws aren't bad, but Oh, goodnight, sunshine Charmless nerk! Oh, I ain't put my shoes out to be polished! This is the bit I can't stand.
What? Lock-up.
It's only a quarter to eight.
If I was at home, I'd be getting ready to go out.
That's the point, innit, son? You're in here to be punished, to forego all them little pleasures that you took for granted, like a comfy shirt, a decent smoke, a night out A night out If you're keen, we could go out.
I can ring up a couple of them darlings that dance on Top Of The Pops - Pan's People, yeah.
There's one special one - beautiful Babs.
I don't know what her name is.
We could meet them at an Italian restaurant, couldn't we, eh? Lovely Then we could go on from there somewhere, dance till dawn Then back to their luxurious penthouse flat, and wallop! Trouble is, I done all that last night.
I'm a bit knackered.
Anyhow, we'd have to get all ponced up and you'd have to darn my socks.
No, why don't we just have a quiet night in, eh? If you say so.
That's what you have to tell yourself - a quiet night in.
The trouble is, I've got 698 quiet nights in to go! Less than some.
Do you think she'll wait? What? Do you think she'll wait? Who? Denise, my fiancee.
Oh, Denise, your fiancee, yeah.
Well, do you? I dunno.
She can't wait IN every night.
She's my fiancee! When she promised her love, she didn't know you'd be put away! I can't sleep.
Don't start that.
It's no good lying there thinking and twitching about what you're not going to get.
Give carnal thoughts the big E.
The less you think about women, the better.
Cor blimey! Look at her! "Beauty queen shocks council.
Lovely Sharon Spencer, 22" She's more than 22! Look at them! They're more like 44! Each.
".
.
Shocked the town council "when they learned that she played the title role in the sex-sational film, The Virgin And The Vicar.
" I wonder which SHE played? "'Had we known,' said a spokesman, 'we wouldn't have crowned her Floral Queen.
' "'I don't know what the fuss is about,' said Sharon, whose hobbies include carpentry.
"'What I do with my body in my spare time is none of the council's business.
'" You wouldn't even get planning permission for that! Where was I? Don't think about women.
Yeah, carnal thoughts are fatal.
You know, she reminds me of Denise a bit.
Oh? Which bit? No, Denise - my fiancee.
You're not telling me your Denise is a star of the silver screen? No, nothing like that.
Not a model, then? No.
But I did take some provocative polaroids of her on holiday.
Nothing mucky.
She was just expressing herself, posing Like that.
Watch it! What will the neighbours think? Sorry.
It's OK as far as I'M concerned.
They know which side MY bread's buttered.
But a young boy like you can come to harm.
Half the fairies round here would go into a frenzy if they saw you doing that.
But I'm engaged! That means naff all to them! They're all engaged to each other! Denise is a thing of the past! She's just a photograph under your pillow, a tingle in your loins.
In me what? In your loins.
What are loins? Well, loins Look, you know when you're lying there, thinking of Denise and all the lovely times you've shared, don't you get a little, warm tingle? Yeah.
Well, that's where your loins are.
I thought they were my There are lots of names for them.
She's a very physical girl is Denise.
SHE was a beauty queen.
Well, sort of.
She was a finalist in the office machinery exhibition.
Miss Duplicating, she was.
She became a pin-up of 2,000 sailors on an aircraft carrier.
They said she was the girl they'd most like to have inking their roller.
You must have been proud to think that she was the sexual fantasy of an entire aircraft carrier.
I didn't know her then.
It was before the day when I met her in a supermarket in the Bull Ring - that's in Birmingham.
She was stamping "Special Offer" on giant-sized jars of pickled onions.
I came round the corner, and my wire trolley went over her foot.
It was a magic moment.
We both knew.
I said, "Will you meet me outside?" And she said, "All right.
" God preserve us, Godber! Romance?! How do you mean? It was beautiful! I'm sure it was.
I'm just saying I hope you find somewhere more romantic next time.
Stamping "Special Offer" on pickled onions! Bloody hell, it's not Romeo and Juliet, is it?! Was your courtship romantic? No.
No, I can't say it was, really.
No.
I was a city boy, too, but it was just after the war, so I had more space - mainly bomb-sites.
There was the cinema, too - the Muswell Hill Odeon.
Or the back seat of a car if I could open one.
But we seemed to have a bit more scope.
I mean, these great big, concrete, forbidding tower blocks There's no hiding place, is there? Can't make love in a launderette.
We did.
Oh, did you? It was quiet at the time.
Oh, that's a great relief(!) Well, we had three bagfuls to do.
Hardly qualifies you, does it?! Mind you, I don't know Birmingham.
Now, my eldest, Ingrid Ingrid? Yeah.
The old lady called her Ingrid after a famous film star, Ingrid Bergman.
I don't suppose you've ever heard of her, have you? Casablanca? Spellbound? Oh, I think I've seen that one.
Is that the one where a bloke turns into a werewolf, then carries off this girl and does things to her in the catacombs? No.
Oh.
No, that definitely wasn't one of Ingrid's.
Ingrid was never in no catacombs with no werewolf.
My daughter, Ingrid, may have been but not the lovely Miss Bergman.
What were you going to say about your daughter, Ingrid? Eh? Oh, yeah.
Ingrid, my eldest - this is between you and me - was actually conceived in Highgate Cemetery.
We wasn't married at the time - although we got married as soon as we knew Ingrid was on the way - so we needed somewhere flat to consummate our passion.
In a cemetery? Well, it's a very famous cemetery.
Still seems a bit indecent.
Not as indecent as supporting your local launderette! Three bags full! Anyhow, it wasn't premeditated, cos we originally went there to view the tomb We went there to view Karl Marx's tomb, cos I was going through a political stage, and I was also a bit randy.
My political career stopped at scrawling on walls.
I've done that.
Oh? I painted, "I love Denise Shorter.
" Denise Shorter? My fiancee.
Oh, that Denise Shorter.
Oh, I ain't got me things off yet! Here, shove over, son, will you? OW! Cor blimey! What's the matter? Something's in me foot! It must be my needle.
What's it doing there?! I was darning your sock! Can't it wait?! OW! You've trodden on my other foot now! I didn't mean to! You've hurt both! I didn't mean to! Get into bed.
I'm not undressed! Just get in till I'm in.
You can get out and get undressed to get back in.
Simple enough, innit? No room to move about in these places! No privacy, either.
Oh, dear! I bet you snore, an' all.
You don't half rabbit! Do you want a liquorice allsort? No, I don't! Where did you get liquorice allsorts?! I swapped 'em for some marge I got from the kitchen.
You're learning.
Little victories.
YOU told me that.
Let's get some kip.
Hey, Fletcher What? Do you know what I've found useful here? What? I've started doing what I haven't done since I was a kiddy.
I find it helps.
Do you know what I do? I shudder to think, son.
I pray.
Oh.
I've started saying me prayers.
God preserve us.
That's what I ask him, so if you don't mind If you must.
Dear God, thank you for getting me through another day.
Thank you for the letter from Denise and the liquorice allsorts.
Please look after Denise in your infinite wisdom.
The same applies to me Mam, Dad - wherever he is - me Auntie Vi and Uncle Donald, and me Auntie Rita in Newport Pagnell.
And Cissie, and Stu and Vic and all the lads in the darts team at the Bell and Dragon.
And Norman, and Freda and her husband who emigrated to Melbourne.
'Ere, is this a prayer or a dedication on the Jimmy Young Show? And please, God, look after Fletcher, and forgive him for being a cantankerous git.
FAINT COUGHING FROM CELLS You awake, Fletch? No.
Me neither.
So your God in his infinite wisdom isn't giving you a peaceful night, then? It wasn't one of the things I asked for.
Oh, no.
That's true.
I doubt if HE'S getting much kip, either, that list he's got to do.
Don't be irreverent.
Eh? You're changing your spots, ain't you? When you first came in here, you didn't know whether you was C of E, Pressed Beef or flamin' Buddhist! I just believe in God.
I don't think it matters which lot you support.
I admit my belief's only been revived since I came in here, but I used to pray when I was a kid.
When I was up in court and Villa looked like doing well in the Cup, I prayed.
But, I don't know, it didn't seem to work out.
I got probation and Villa lost to Rotherham, 1-0.
Typical, innit? People don't give a second thought! As long as all's well, they carry on with scant regard for the Ten Commandments.
Stealing, committing adultery, coveting each other's oxes Then, wallop.
In the face of adversity, "Please, God, help your faithful servant!" You're right.
But I am in the face of adversity.
I hate prison, Fletcher.
I hate the air of defeat and the smell of disinfectant.
I hate the noise, the keys, and not having a handle on our side of that door.
Yeah.
Well, kids like you shouldn't really be in prison, should they? I mean, it's the system, innit? You're not here to be reformed.
You're just here for public revenge.
With me it's a different kettle of fish - it's an occupational hazard, being as my occupation is breaking the law.
But my family's never gone short.
I've got a wife and three kids, you know.
Want some of this? Ta.
I'll show you their picture when it gets light.
My youngest has just got into grammar school.
Has he? Yeah.
It's nice, but it costs a lot - you know, books, equipment, all that sort of thing.
When my son started there, he didn't want for nothing - rugby boots, blazer, the lot.
He wouldn't have had them if his dad was just a clerk.
He had them because his father had just robbed a school outfitter's.
What would he think if he knew? He'd think, "That's why the blazer's a bit big!" He'll grow into it, though.
So you just do it for your family, then? Yeah, me old lady.
Yeah.
24 years we've been married.
That's a hell of a long time.
We was married at 19, you see.
It's too young.
That's Karl Marx and Highgate Cemetery for you.
You must love her very much.
Yeah.
Cos when you were asleep, like, you kept saying things.
Oh? What? Well, you just kept saying her name over and over - "Oh, Gloria, my love.
Oh, Gloria.
" Did I? Yes.
I found it very moving.
Only thing is, my old lady's called Isobel.
Then who's Gloria? You may well ask! Are you sure it was Gloria? Positive.
Gloria Gloria? Oh, yeah, there was a Gloria! Course there was a Gloria, once.
Well, lots of times, actually.
Was that before you met Isobel? To be honest, Lennie, no.
I mustn't be untruthful.
No, that was an indiscretion round about 1955.
I was King of the Teds in Muswell Hill then, and she was a machinist at a clothing factory, so I used to go to her place, have me evil way, and get me trousers narrowed at the same time.
I could never be unfaithful to Denise.
You have to realise my position.
The King of the Teds can't say, "I've got to go home to the wife.
" Not when you've just smashed up an amusement arcade.
So you don't make a habit of indiscretions? Course not.
Isobel's my old woman and she knows it.
Then who's Sharon? Sharon? After Gloria, you was moaning about Sharon.
I couldn't have done.
I don't know no Sharon.
You were.
Oh, Sharon! She's the one on the wall.
That's right.
I was dreaming about her.
It's all coming back now.
Carnal thoughts! All right, all right.
No-one asked you to eavesdrop on my private dream! That's the one place you can get privacy here - in your head.
You want to remember that, my son.
It's the one place where you can get freedom.
Dreams is your escape.
There's no locked doors and no barriers.
Dreams is freedom.
Freedom? Yeah.
No locked doors, are there? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you're right, Fletch! Well, I'm going back to mine.
I suggest you do, too.
I will.
And thank you.
All right.
Good night.
Good night.
Now, where was I? "Beauty queen shocks council.
" Oh, yeah.
The way she was performing in my dream, you could see why! HE KNOCKS KNOCKING That's my alarm call.
Ow! Sorry, son! No, it's my fault, Fletch.
It's your cell.
Sorry if my head hit your foot.
Sleep all right? Yeah.
Very well since our midnight chat.
Did you dream? Did you find that land of exotic fantasy? Yeah.
Denise and I were in this launderette, and we got through five bagfuls without stopping.
Trouble is, this bloke came in and spoilt it.
What charmless nerk did that? You did.
Couldn't have been me.
I was with Sharon up the Hilton all night.
UmFletcher? Yeah? Erwell, in the rush of moving in here, like, I mislaid something.
What? Me toothpaste.
Oh, yeah? Could I have a loan of yours? A loan of my toothpaste? Well, just a squeeze.
A loan of my toothpaste, Godber?! I'll give you an allsort.
Oh? I've got some left.
Have you got that pink one with the coconut all round it? Yeah.
Oh.
All right, then.
Fletcher I suppose you ain't got shaving cream now! No.
I wanted to thank you.
What for? Well, for helping me out.
It's like that song - Help Me Make It Through the Night.
Oh? What song's that, then? I suppose it's a bit too contemporary for your era.
I suppose you went more for Eddie Cochran.
No, I was a bit more mellow than that.
I used to like Kay Starr and Rosemary Clooney.
What was that lovely number? # See the pyramids across the Nile # That was Jo Stafford, yeah.
Don't know him.
It's a girl, you nerk! Jo's a girl's name! They don't make tunes like that now.
A bit of melody, that had.
You're a sentimentalist at heart.
What? Beneath that gruff exterior, there's a kind man with feelings.
Huh OW! Bloody hell! Ow! Was that my needle? I'll swing for you! What's going on?! Did you assault this man? No, he sat on my needle! Is that true? Naff off! Can't you see I'm in agony? Get a move on! Go home and see who's been sleeping with your wife! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, that is original, Fletcher(!) I've been having that for the last seven years.
So has she, an' all! Here you are, Fletch.
You can have these.
I don't want them.
Take them - as a present.
Oh, all right.
I won't say no, son.
It's meant as a thank you.
Well, when that door's locked, I am depressed and I am afraid, and you make it a bit more tolerable.
You'll get used to it, son.
A night ain't all that long.
It's your human spirit, you see.
That's what they can't grind down in here.
We'll be all right, you and me.
We could go out tonight, if you like.
With them dancers? Yeah! Or I could ring up Sharon there.
She's bound to have a big friend.
We could go up West, do the nightclubs It's discos now.
Well, as you prefer.
Anyhow, give it a thought.
See how I feel.
Yeah.
On the other hand Yeah? We could always have another quiet night in.
Right.
BBC - 1992
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for five years.
' Hello, Fletch.
You WAS expecting me? They informed me, yes.
Only temporary, they said.
You're too right! Single cell this is - mine.
It's not MY fault.
No, I'm just saying.
It's only temporary.
OK! Dump your stuff.
Get out of my light! Is this where you want me to sleep? What? I presume I'm on the bottom.
Top bunk's status.
Yeah, course it is.
Well, if you wouldn't mind shifting your stuff What? Oh, dear! God Almighty! It's not MY fault! So you keep saying! They had a riot on my landing.
My cell-mate, Banksy, was a ringleader.
He set fire to his mattress.
And mine.
Headcase, that Banks.
He's being transferred.
Headcase.
He wasn't bad to share with.
He was always nice to ME.
He showed me the ropes and never displayed no violence.
Oi! He smuggled a kitten in, and from the way he handled it, you could see the gentle side of his nature.
What?! Before he lit his mattress, he threw a screw off the landing! He wasn't hurt - he hit the safety net.
That's somewhat academic.
The fact remains that Joe Banks hurled a 15-stone prison officer off the landing.
Only cos he said he couldn't keep the kitten! It's hardly an excuse! That won't cut much ice with his parole board! Can't see the harm, meself.
Look, it's rules, that's what the harm is.
You can keep caged birds, or insects in matchboxes, but not cats, and Banksy knows that, the porridge he's done.
It was only a little kitten.
Kittens differ from cats only in scale.
They still have the same lavatorial tendencies.
They pee on your blankets.
I can't see the harm.
It's just rules! I've got rules here, or rather standards.
While you're a resident here, you have to abide by my standards.
Which are? You don't snore, you don't rabbit and you don't pick your nose.
I don't do any of them.
We should get on OK, then.
Banksy didn't complain.
An animal like him wouldn't.
Well, I don't.
That's OK, then.
You're sitting on my paper.
Ohsorry.
That's another thing.
You can read the paper, but only when I've finished with it.
Right.
Out of the way, then.
I've got some grey darning thread.
What? I've got some thread if you want that hole darned.
Oh, yeah.
Ta.
I see your standards don't include sweaty feet.
It's unhealthy not to sweat - like a dog with a dry nose.
You settling in all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I keep me pecker up.
They can't grind ME down, these nerks in here.
Bide your time.
DOORS SLAM OUTSIDE I'm finding it very hard to adjust.
It's unnatural, men in cages.
Bide your time.
I don't mind work, and as I'm in the kitchen I get plenty of grub.
The screws aren't bad, but Oh, goodnight, sunshine Charmless nerk! Oh, I ain't put my shoes out to be polished! This is the bit I can't stand.
What? Lock-up.
It's only a quarter to eight.
If I was at home, I'd be getting ready to go out.
That's the point, innit, son? You're in here to be punished, to forego all them little pleasures that you took for granted, like a comfy shirt, a decent smoke, a night out A night out If you're keen, we could go out.
I can ring up a couple of them darlings that dance on Top Of The Pops - Pan's People, yeah.
There's one special one - beautiful Babs.
I don't know what her name is.
We could meet them at an Italian restaurant, couldn't we, eh? Lovely Then we could go on from there somewhere, dance till dawn Then back to their luxurious penthouse flat, and wallop! Trouble is, I done all that last night.
I'm a bit knackered.
Anyhow, we'd have to get all ponced up and you'd have to darn my socks.
No, why don't we just have a quiet night in, eh? If you say so.
That's what you have to tell yourself - a quiet night in.
The trouble is, I've got 698 quiet nights in to go! Less than some.
Do you think she'll wait? What? Do you think she'll wait? Who? Denise, my fiancee.
Oh, Denise, your fiancee, yeah.
Well, do you? I dunno.
She can't wait IN every night.
She's my fiancee! When she promised her love, she didn't know you'd be put away! I can't sleep.
Don't start that.
It's no good lying there thinking and twitching about what you're not going to get.
Give carnal thoughts the big E.
The less you think about women, the better.
Cor blimey! Look at her! "Beauty queen shocks council.
Lovely Sharon Spencer, 22" She's more than 22! Look at them! They're more like 44! Each.
".
.
Shocked the town council "when they learned that she played the title role in the sex-sational film, The Virgin And The Vicar.
" I wonder which SHE played? "'Had we known,' said a spokesman, 'we wouldn't have crowned her Floral Queen.
' "'I don't know what the fuss is about,' said Sharon, whose hobbies include carpentry.
"'What I do with my body in my spare time is none of the council's business.
'" You wouldn't even get planning permission for that! Where was I? Don't think about women.
Yeah, carnal thoughts are fatal.
You know, she reminds me of Denise a bit.
Oh? Which bit? No, Denise - my fiancee.
You're not telling me your Denise is a star of the silver screen? No, nothing like that.
Not a model, then? No.
But I did take some provocative polaroids of her on holiday.
Nothing mucky.
She was just expressing herself, posing Like that.
Watch it! What will the neighbours think? Sorry.
It's OK as far as I'M concerned.
They know which side MY bread's buttered.
But a young boy like you can come to harm.
Half the fairies round here would go into a frenzy if they saw you doing that.
But I'm engaged! That means naff all to them! They're all engaged to each other! Denise is a thing of the past! She's just a photograph under your pillow, a tingle in your loins.
In me what? In your loins.
What are loins? Well, loins Look, you know when you're lying there, thinking of Denise and all the lovely times you've shared, don't you get a little, warm tingle? Yeah.
Well, that's where your loins are.
I thought they were my There are lots of names for them.
She's a very physical girl is Denise.
SHE was a beauty queen.
Well, sort of.
She was a finalist in the office machinery exhibition.
Miss Duplicating, she was.
She became a pin-up of 2,000 sailors on an aircraft carrier.
They said she was the girl they'd most like to have inking their roller.
You must have been proud to think that she was the sexual fantasy of an entire aircraft carrier.
I didn't know her then.
It was before the day when I met her in a supermarket in the Bull Ring - that's in Birmingham.
She was stamping "Special Offer" on giant-sized jars of pickled onions.
I came round the corner, and my wire trolley went over her foot.
It was a magic moment.
We both knew.
I said, "Will you meet me outside?" And she said, "All right.
" God preserve us, Godber! Romance?! How do you mean? It was beautiful! I'm sure it was.
I'm just saying I hope you find somewhere more romantic next time.
Stamping "Special Offer" on pickled onions! Bloody hell, it's not Romeo and Juliet, is it?! Was your courtship romantic? No.
No, I can't say it was, really.
No.
I was a city boy, too, but it was just after the war, so I had more space - mainly bomb-sites.
There was the cinema, too - the Muswell Hill Odeon.
Or the back seat of a car if I could open one.
But we seemed to have a bit more scope.
I mean, these great big, concrete, forbidding tower blocks There's no hiding place, is there? Can't make love in a launderette.
We did.
Oh, did you? It was quiet at the time.
Oh, that's a great relief(!) Well, we had three bagfuls to do.
Hardly qualifies you, does it?! Mind you, I don't know Birmingham.
Now, my eldest, Ingrid Ingrid? Yeah.
The old lady called her Ingrid after a famous film star, Ingrid Bergman.
I don't suppose you've ever heard of her, have you? Casablanca? Spellbound? Oh, I think I've seen that one.
Is that the one where a bloke turns into a werewolf, then carries off this girl and does things to her in the catacombs? No.
Oh.
No, that definitely wasn't one of Ingrid's.
Ingrid was never in no catacombs with no werewolf.
My daughter, Ingrid, may have been but not the lovely Miss Bergman.
What were you going to say about your daughter, Ingrid? Eh? Oh, yeah.
Ingrid, my eldest - this is between you and me - was actually conceived in Highgate Cemetery.
We wasn't married at the time - although we got married as soon as we knew Ingrid was on the way - so we needed somewhere flat to consummate our passion.
In a cemetery? Well, it's a very famous cemetery.
Still seems a bit indecent.
Not as indecent as supporting your local launderette! Three bags full! Anyhow, it wasn't premeditated, cos we originally went there to view the tomb We went there to view Karl Marx's tomb, cos I was going through a political stage, and I was also a bit randy.
My political career stopped at scrawling on walls.
I've done that.
Oh? I painted, "I love Denise Shorter.
" Denise Shorter? My fiancee.
Oh, that Denise Shorter.
Oh, I ain't got me things off yet! Here, shove over, son, will you? OW! Cor blimey! What's the matter? Something's in me foot! It must be my needle.
What's it doing there?! I was darning your sock! Can't it wait?! OW! You've trodden on my other foot now! I didn't mean to! You've hurt both! I didn't mean to! Get into bed.
I'm not undressed! Just get in till I'm in.
You can get out and get undressed to get back in.
Simple enough, innit? No room to move about in these places! No privacy, either.
Oh, dear! I bet you snore, an' all.
You don't half rabbit! Do you want a liquorice allsort? No, I don't! Where did you get liquorice allsorts?! I swapped 'em for some marge I got from the kitchen.
You're learning.
Little victories.
YOU told me that.
Let's get some kip.
Hey, Fletcher What? Do you know what I've found useful here? What? I've started doing what I haven't done since I was a kiddy.
I find it helps.
Do you know what I do? I shudder to think, son.
I pray.
Oh.
I've started saying me prayers.
God preserve us.
That's what I ask him, so if you don't mind If you must.
Dear God, thank you for getting me through another day.
Thank you for the letter from Denise and the liquorice allsorts.
Please look after Denise in your infinite wisdom.
The same applies to me Mam, Dad - wherever he is - me Auntie Vi and Uncle Donald, and me Auntie Rita in Newport Pagnell.
And Cissie, and Stu and Vic and all the lads in the darts team at the Bell and Dragon.
And Norman, and Freda and her husband who emigrated to Melbourne.
'Ere, is this a prayer or a dedication on the Jimmy Young Show? And please, God, look after Fletcher, and forgive him for being a cantankerous git.
FAINT COUGHING FROM CELLS You awake, Fletch? No.
Me neither.
So your God in his infinite wisdom isn't giving you a peaceful night, then? It wasn't one of the things I asked for.
Oh, no.
That's true.
I doubt if HE'S getting much kip, either, that list he's got to do.
Don't be irreverent.
Eh? You're changing your spots, ain't you? When you first came in here, you didn't know whether you was C of E, Pressed Beef or flamin' Buddhist! I just believe in God.
I don't think it matters which lot you support.
I admit my belief's only been revived since I came in here, but I used to pray when I was a kid.
When I was up in court and Villa looked like doing well in the Cup, I prayed.
But, I don't know, it didn't seem to work out.
I got probation and Villa lost to Rotherham, 1-0.
Typical, innit? People don't give a second thought! As long as all's well, they carry on with scant regard for the Ten Commandments.
Stealing, committing adultery, coveting each other's oxes Then, wallop.
In the face of adversity, "Please, God, help your faithful servant!" You're right.
But I am in the face of adversity.
I hate prison, Fletcher.
I hate the air of defeat and the smell of disinfectant.
I hate the noise, the keys, and not having a handle on our side of that door.
Yeah.
Well, kids like you shouldn't really be in prison, should they? I mean, it's the system, innit? You're not here to be reformed.
You're just here for public revenge.
With me it's a different kettle of fish - it's an occupational hazard, being as my occupation is breaking the law.
But my family's never gone short.
I've got a wife and three kids, you know.
Want some of this? Ta.
I'll show you their picture when it gets light.
My youngest has just got into grammar school.
Has he? Yeah.
It's nice, but it costs a lot - you know, books, equipment, all that sort of thing.
When my son started there, he didn't want for nothing - rugby boots, blazer, the lot.
He wouldn't have had them if his dad was just a clerk.
He had them because his father had just robbed a school outfitter's.
What would he think if he knew? He'd think, "That's why the blazer's a bit big!" He'll grow into it, though.
So you just do it for your family, then? Yeah, me old lady.
Yeah.
24 years we've been married.
That's a hell of a long time.
We was married at 19, you see.
It's too young.
That's Karl Marx and Highgate Cemetery for you.
You must love her very much.
Yeah.
Cos when you were asleep, like, you kept saying things.
Oh? What? Well, you just kept saying her name over and over - "Oh, Gloria, my love.
Oh, Gloria.
" Did I? Yes.
I found it very moving.
Only thing is, my old lady's called Isobel.
Then who's Gloria? You may well ask! Are you sure it was Gloria? Positive.
Gloria Gloria? Oh, yeah, there was a Gloria! Course there was a Gloria, once.
Well, lots of times, actually.
Was that before you met Isobel? To be honest, Lennie, no.
I mustn't be untruthful.
No, that was an indiscretion round about 1955.
I was King of the Teds in Muswell Hill then, and she was a machinist at a clothing factory, so I used to go to her place, have me evil way, and get me trousers narrowed at the same time.
I could never be unfaithful to Denise.
You have to realise my position.
The King of the Teds can't say, "I've got to go home to the wife.
" Not when you've just smashed up an amusement arcade.
So you don't make a habit of indiscretions? Course not.
Isobel's my old woman and she knows it.
Then who's Sharon? Sharon? After Gloria, you was moaning about Sharon.
I couldn't have done.
I don't know no Sharon.
You were.
Oh, Sharon! She's the one on the wall.
That's right.
I was dreaming about her.
It's all coming back now.
Carnal thoughts! All right, all right.
No-one asked you to eavesdrop on my private dream! That's the one place you can get privacy here - in your head.
You want to remember that, my son.
It's the one place where you can get freedom.
Dreams is your escape.
There's no locked doors and no barriers.
Dreams is freedom.
Freedom? Yeah.
No locked doors, are there? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you're right, Fletch! Well, I'm going back to mine.
I suggest you do, too.
I will.
And thank you.
All right.
Good night.
Good night.
Now, where was I? "Beauty queen shocks council.
" Oh, yeah.
The way she was performing in my dream, you could see why! HE KNOCKS KNOCKING That's my alarm call.
Ow! Sorry, son! No, it's my fault, Fletch.
It's your cell.
Sorry if my head hit your foot.
Sleep all right? Yeah.
Very well since our midnight chat.
Did you dream? Did you find that land of exotic fantasy? Yeah.
Denise and I were in this launderette, and we got through five bagfuls without stopping.
Trouble is, this bloke came in and spoilt it.
What charmless nerk did that? You did.
Couldn't have been me.
I was with Sharon up the Hilton all night.
UmFletcher? Yeah? Erwell, in the rush of moving in here, like, I mislaid something.
What? Me toothpaste.
Oh, yeah? Could I have a loan of yours? A loan of my toothpaste? Well, just a squeeze.
A loan of my toothpaste, Godber?! I'll give you an allsort.
Oh? I've got some left.
Have you got that pink one with the coconut all round it? Yeah.
Oh.
All right, then.
Fletcher I suppose you ain't got shaving cream now! No.
I wanted to thank you.
What for? Well, for helping me out.
It's like that song - Help Me Make It Through the Night.
Oh? What song's that, then? I suppose it's a bit too contemporary for your era.
I suppose you went more for Eddie Cochran.
No, I was a bit more mellow than that.
I used to like Kay Starr and Rosemary Clooney.
What was that lovely number? # See the pyramids across the Nile # That was Jo Stafford, yeah.
Don't know him.
It's a girl, you nerk! Jo's a girl's name! They don't make tunes like that now.
A bit of melody, that had.
You're a sentimentalist at heart.
What? Beneath that gruff exterior, there's a kind man with feelings.
Huh OW! Bloody hell! Ow! Was that my needle? I'll swing for you! What's going on?! Did you assault this man? No, he sat on my needle! Is that true? Naff off! Can't you see I'm in agony? Get a move on! Go home and see who's been sleeping with your wife! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, that is original, Fletcher(!) I've been having that for the last seven years.
So has she, an' all! Here you are, Fletch.
You can have these.
I don't want them.
Take them - as a present.
Oh, all right.
I won't say no, son.
It's meant as a thank you.
Well, when that door's locked, I am depressed and I am afraid, and you make it a bit more tolerable.
You'll get used to it, son.
A night ain't all that long.
It's your human spirit, you see.
That's what they can't grind down in here.
We'll be all right, you and me.
We could go out tonight, if you like.
With them dancers? Yeah! Or I could ring up Sharon there.
She's bound to have a big friend.
We could go up West, do the nightclubs It's discos now.
Well, as you prefer.
Anyhow, give it a thought.
See how I feel.
Yeah.
On the other hand Yeah? We could always have another quiet night in.
Right.
BBC - 1992