Porridge (1973) s02e01 Episode Script

Just Desserts

You're an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
You will go to prison for five years.
HE SIGHS Goorr, dear.
Morning, Fletch.
Morning, Fletch.
Never mind the good mornings.
What's up? I'll tell you.
Listening, Ives? Sorry, Fletcher - what's up? I've something very serious to say.
I don't know quite how to put this, but there is a thief among us.
There's 600 people in this prison, and two thirds of them must be in for stealing.
That's stealing on the outside, against civilians.
That's just a living, isn't it? This crime was perpetrated within these walls.
Despicable! Beneath the dignity of a moral, law-abiding criminal.
What's the alleged offence? Nothing alleged about it.
Someone's lifted a 2-pound tin of pineapple chunks.
PINEAPPLE CHUNKS! Keep it down - we are discussing contraband.
Pineapple chunks.
That's better.
One tin of chunks, pineapple.
Thickly cut, juicy chunks of delicious pineapple, in heavy syrup, from the sun-kissed shores of Hono-bleedin'-lulu.
Mmmlovely.
I hope that look doesn't convey a pleasant memory.
No! I haven't touched your chunks.
Any idea who it was? I hoped our chat would shed some light on that, cos I'm extremely dischuffed about this.
Luxuries are hard to come by in this neck of the woods.
I was looking forward to it.
I'm partial to tinned pineapple.
Fond of all tinned fruit, but particularly pineapple - in the absence of tinned pears.
Bad enough when someone nicks a razor blade, or some money.
But not my pineapple chunks.
When did you realise they'd gone? Now.
I wanted some dessert, to supplement his wretched cuisine.
I do my best.
I had something whipped last week.
Honest! Remember when Arkwright's old woman said she wasn't returning, cos she was going to live with that Maltese ponce in Morecambe? No.
He tried to strangle her till he was restrained by the screw with the harelip.
You paint a very pretty picture, Ives.
They could use you on Jackanory.
In the commotion, my missus slipped me a jar of gooseberry preserve.
I was only out for half an hour, but in that time some scroat had whipped the lot, while I was making a Bugs Bunny money bank.
The field's narrowing down.
The net's tightening.
We know the thief has a sweet tooth.
Any speculation as to who took your pineapple hardly applies to me.
Would you mind elaborating on that, please? Well, I'm not a common criminal.
Oh? I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but you are doing porridge.
I'm a professional man.
A dentist.
Consequently Just a minute.
You WAS a dentist.
It's been some time since they struck you off their list.
After the regrettable incident with the laughing gas.
You may not consider yourself a criminal, but to those ladies it was no laughing matter.
He did a lovely job on my bridge when the old one fell into the soup.
We're not discussing his dental ability.
He mustn't set himself above us.
Listen No, you listen.
Spread the word around.
I'm off to the showers to stretch me legs - and to wash 'em.
Then I'll sit in the chapel and comtemplate the error of my ways, and make peace with my bookmaker.
After that, if my tin hasn't been returned, we'll have to open a full-scale inquiry, because this could spread.
If we can't sit in here and live together, and trust one another, where are we? Yeah.
Right.
He's quite right.
Hey - who's pinched my Polos? Come on in, then.
Make yourselves as comfortable as possible.
That's it, Bill, sit there.
Pass right down the cell, please.
It's not a laughing matter, Warren.
All here? Who's keeping the eye open? Gay Gordon.
Bit conspicuous isn't it? She's still got her hair in curlers.
Nifty's there, too.
So the pineapple hasn't been returned? No.
I know the time of the crime.
You all had the M.
M.
O.
- means, motive and opportunity.
You mean the thief is in this very room? Exactly that, Monsieur Poirot.
You were all on this landing before bang-up.
Weren't you? Not all the time.
I saw Harry Grout to negotiate the tobacco concession.
Kangaroo court, eh? Heard about it.
Ah, McLaren.
Make room for McLaren.
No reason to exclude me, Fletch.
The finger of suspicion points at everyone.
Just like to mention that if anyone points it at me, I'll clobber them.
Very good of you to be so reasonable.
The crime was committed during the 15 minutes before bang-up last night.
I was in the gym.
I was playing ping-pong with these two and Gay Gordon.
Mixed doubles.
I was teaching Atlas chess.
I was watching telly with Crabs.
Oh! Hello, Crabs.
Didn't see you there.
We don't need confessions from everybody.
We must adhere to legal principles.
Innocent until proved guilty? Exactly.
True.
But it's lunch-time and someone here is notorious for two-faced gittery.
So let's just extract a confession from Ives before the bell.
'Ere! I'll extract the confession.
I was in the hobby shop doing me toys! Wait - that's true, that is.
I saw him on the way back from the gym.
Making a big, fluffy panda.
You seen his Bugs Bunny money bank? Goorr! No.
Is he doing it now? Ooh! You're barking up the wrong tree.
Maybe.
Can I go now? Fletch? OK.
He's a funny colour.
We still live with the knowledge that there's a thief among us.
Where did you get the pineapple? Pinched it from the kitchen.
Mackay Oh, dear.
This is a gathering of the newly formed Slade Prison Cowboy Club.
All together now # Home, home on the range # Where the deer and the antelope play # Where seldom is heard # Quiet, you horrible rabble! .
.
A discouraging word? What's going on here? It's Mr Mackay, pardners.
HOWDY, MR MACKAY.
I said, what's going on here? Cowboy Club, sir.
What? Friends of the West.
We sing Poppycock! This is an unlawful assembly.
Regulations say not more than three prisoners will congregate in a cell.
There you have the advantage.
I've been unable to obtain a copy On your feet! On your feet, the lot of you! There are two rules in this prison - one, you do not write on the walls.
Two, you obey all the rules.
Back to your cells, the lot of you.
Make it snappy.
I'll bring round me Gene Autrey songbook.
Adios, amigos.
Hi ho, Tonto.
Approaching the highlight of the week - Sunday lunch.
Can I offer you a sherry? There is a growing current of insubordination in this prison.
A definite rise in insolence.
And pilfering.
Pilfering - we'd noticed.
I'm not referring to petty thieving amongst yourselves - that's to be expected with incorrigible criminals.
I'm referring to thefts of prison property.
It will not be tolerated.
Godber, what have you been up to? Off work, sir.
Been up since six.
He's very tired, so you'll excuse us A very unfortunate combination.
How's that? His opportunities in the kitchen, and your distribution network.
I don't steal! I resent that.
Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.
Good idea - how much could you get in your mouth? Don't make waves.
Hands up.
This isn't on! Legs apart.
All right, I've done wrong, I'm inside.
But I'm paying me dues.
What makes you so different? Circumstances brought me here - environment.
Lack of guidance.
Times were tough and I went off the rails.
But I have decent qualities.
I'm learning my lesson.
I won't grass, I won't cheat and I won't steal.
All right, sonny Jim.
We'll say no more for the present.
Well said.
He could see you was sincere.
He was obviously impressed.
Should think so, suspicious old scroat.
Good job you was clean, though.
Good job he didn't look under me hat! Fletch What? Can I have a loan of your black boot polish? Why? Why d'you think? Me mascara's run out.
Don't be cheeky.
Ain't you going to lend me no black boot polish? No.
No, in the light of recent events I think what one has, one keeps.
You didn't say that before I shared me margarine.
I've done a lot for you.
First night you come in I give you my toothpaste.
You give me one squeeze.
On three nights! That makes half a tube.
Not your squeezes, they don't.
That wasn't ordinary toothpaste.
It had hectochloroform in the stripes.
Got that special to match my pyjamas.
I give you Liquorice Allsorts - fair exchange is no robbery.
When you were at death's door, who gave you a throat lozenge? Yeah - lozenge.
Singular.
Who gave you all them matches for that model of the Cutty Sark? Who sat on it? It was pointless anyway.
You need a ten stretch to finish the Cutty Sark in matchsticks.
Should have used chair legs like I told you.
Who stole nails for your pin-ups? Who gave you home-made shortbread? Home-made shortbread? I used it to bang the nails in.
Ungrateful nurk.
Who loaned who whose darning wool? You.
And who's darning whose socks? Are they my socks? I don't go through mine.
I never realised.
Apparently.
Yeah, well.
Thanks very much.
My pleasure.
Here's the bloody shoe polish.
And don't use it all.
You said when I moved in here that our best protection against them nurks out there was mutual interest.
Team spirit.
Well, my trust's been misplaced.
That tin of pineapple chunks proved that.
I was careless enough to forget it's a jungle in here.
Can't trust nobody.
Does that include me? What? Not trusting nobody.
I'm looking after number one.
Answer my question.
What question? D'you think I nicked your chunks? Who knows? Don't evade me.
This is critical to our relationship.
Get on with mending your socks my socks.
No! I want an answer.
I respect you, Fletch.
I owe you a lot.
And I don't mean toothpaste.
I never pretended to be cool about doing stir.
It petrified me.
You taught me the right approach.
I get by now.
I'm very grateful.
And d'you think I'd steal your pineapple chunks? Not even me favourite fruit! Here! It never entered my head.
If there's one person I know didn't steal them, it's you.
Yeah, well.
We're oppoes, ain't we? I dunno.
Course we are.
Course we are.
Living like caged animals we're bound to get the needle sometimes.
But I trust you.
Implicit.
I know you didn't take 'em.
How can you be sure? Cos I know the kind of person you are.
Besides, when you was in the shower I went through all your gear.
Morning, Mr Barrowclough.
Ah, Fletcher Have a nice weekend, did you? Not especially.
At least it kept fine for you.
Did it? The sun rarely shines in my household.
Oh, dear.
Want to get another window put in.
I didn't mean the architecture.
Oh, dear.
Anyway, I've not come to discuss my domestic situation.
Well, your problems are mine, sir.
I'm aware of that, Fletcher.
Yes, yes.
That is true at times.
That's why I've been lenient with you.
Lenient? Well, I haven't had a chance to talk to you since the weekend, but on Saturday, when you were all watching the football, Mr Malone and me were detailed by Mr Mackay to do an R.
S.
C.
What? A random security check.
Oh, yeah.
The vocabulary varies from nick to nick.
But it comes to the same thing.
Burgling.
Despicable infringement of civil liberties.
Yes, well, the practice is justified, Fletcher, when one finds stolen tins of pineapple chunks.
Where, sir? Don't play that game with me.
In your cell.
I should have reported it.
But you didn't? No, I didn't.
Mr Malone's attention was distracted.
He was in the showers, looking for a missing hatchet.
If I'd reported the find, you'd have lost this job and your privileges, and very likely had solitary confinement.
What can I say? You can promise to keep your nose clean.
You see, I reckoned I owed you a favour, possibly, and the consequences would have been severe.
But the slate is wiped clean now, Fletcher.
We're all square, right? Right, Mr Barrowclough.
This is a very cushy number.
It's a better job than a lot of trusties have.
I've got a complicated index to complete.
You've been at it for five weeks.
I want to avoid mistakes.
You want to avoid the real job of decorating the room.
Waiting for the paint.
Where is it? Stolen, sir.
Oh, dear, dear.
What is happening to this prison? There's a criminal element in here, sir.
There's too much pilfering.
Mr Mackay's on my back about it.
Look, I'll let you off.
In return I expect a decrease on your block.
Rest assured, Mr Barrowclough.
Good.
Did you return the tin to the food store? Er Not exactly, no.
You see, Ierwell, I took it home and the wife did a gammon steak Hawaii.
Oh! Gammon steak Hawaii, very nice.
So it's been consumed, has it? I didn't intend to, but the wife found it and insisted we ate it.
There was very little I could do about it.
Only eat it.
Under protest.
Under protest and on top of gammon! If I did commit the offence, which, without evidence, is hard to prove, then you're an accessory before, after and during the fact.
You're a felon, same as me, ain't you? I'm aware of the situation, Fletcher.
We? Is that the royal "we"? I can't just trolly down to the village store.
I'm aware of that.
I'll get it.
You pay for it.
Lukewarm, make a commotion when I get near the cupboard, will you? You're not escaping, are you? It's a good lunch today.
We've got jelly.
I'm going to steal some pineapple chunks for Fletcher.
What for? To make up for the one he had nicked.
It's a bit dodgy.
There's only one tin left.
Oh, blast.
They came out lovely.
Sorry, sir.
What's all this, Lewis? They fell over.
Clear this mess up.
Morning, Mr Appleton.
Morning, Mr Birchwood.
Mr Appleton, there's a tin of pineapple chunks missing.
Fetch Mr Mackay.
Everyone stay where they are.
Where are you off to? Forgot where I was, sir.
Get back where you were.
- Arms up.
- There's no time.
I've got to make a new tray of pasties.
- They'll have to wait.
- Can't wait.
They take 25 minutes at Regulo Six.
WARREN: Let him make his pasties, Mr Appleton, he does 'em lovely.
APPLETON: Quiet! What's going on here? APPLETON: Pilfering.
Tin of pineapple from the cupboard.
Who was last seen in the vicinity? APPLETON: Godber was there a minute ago.
Godber! That makes sense, doesn't it? Your comeuppance is long overdue, Godber.
Why is your hat standing to attention, Godber? Ow, Mr Mackay! All right, all right! You do not move, not any one of you.
Mr Birchwood, where was this crime perpetrated? From this cupboard.
I saw it right off, because there was only one tin there, sir.
Is this the tin that's missing? That's the one, sir.
Pull yourself together, Mr Birchwood! INAUDIBLE There were two tins in that cupboard, weren't there? Only the one.
Then I was right.
It were a miracle.
No other explanation.
It scares you a bit.
I don't pretend to understand.
The miracle of Slade Prison.
I was raised a catholic.
Not a very good one.
But after this Well, it makes you think, don't it? God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform.
Yes.
See you in church.
Hello, Fletch! Oh, yeah.
What's the matter? Paint's arrived, that's what's the matter.
So? So I've got to paint the bleedin' library! Can't you get rid of it? No.
There ain't a screw left without a gleaming front fence.
Life could be worse.
Could it? Ha, ha! Ha, ha! What's got into you? What's up? You'll find out soon enough.
That's all we need, look.
I haven't come to see you, Fletcher.
Come to see Godber.
Now, Godber.
Laddy.
I don't want you developing a chip, or to feel I'm picking on you.
I've a job to do and whatever else I am, I am firm but fair.
Hmm? I want you know I treat you all with equal contempt.
Well, I appreciate that, Mr Mackay.
What was that about? Thought I'd been pilfering.
That's no surprise.
They think we're all pilferers.
They think we're thieving all the time.
We're under continual harassment, suspicion.
Poking into our belongings without any justification whatsoever.
If you'll excuse me, I'll go for a shower.
No! Why? Well, you've no need to, Fletch.
You're so clean.
What's got into you, Godber, hey? FLETCHER! Come here, Fletcher.
What? What is that? What's what? Bloody hell! Come with me, Fletcher.
You won't need your towel.
It's a plant! No, it's not.
It's a tin of pineapple.
'Ere, has anyone got a tin opener?