Portlandia (2011) s08e04 Episode Script
Abracadabra
1 We've been in the business of horse distraction for 150 years, ever since the invention of blinders.
That's right.
Without blinders, these horses would be running around like a bunch of maniacs.
So we applied this very technology to human beings.
Introducing the first-ever distraction-canceling glasses.
Finally, a world where you can focus on the original thing you were doing.
Can you see how much flights are to visit my parents? Yeah, sure, I'll, uh, look online.
- Oh, what's this? both: Freeze.
This poor guy doesn't have a chance.
He's gonna end up clicking on what the cast of "Family Matters" looks like right now.
Skateboarders racking their balls on handrails.
Tigers who are friends with bears.
Cats playing the piano.
Colorblind videos where people put on these special glasses and they see colors for the first time, and they're so overwhelmed by emotion that they take off the glasses and then go like this, like And everyone's crying.
[percussive music.]
[glasses beeping, whirring.]
- Unfreeze.
- Whoa.
Oh, flights are pretty cheap, actually.
It's about $317.
Distraction blinders remove the distraction.
And it's not just for the Internet.
Wedding invites that get you thinking about your own pathetic life.
Freeze.
[glasses whir and beep.]
Unfreeze.
Honey, we got invited to a cool buffet party.
[upbeat music.]
Huh? [mumbles.]
[mournful harmonica tune.]
[spits.]
And these glasses won't just shield you from personal problems.
They can help shape your worldview as well.
[upbeat music.]
- Good afternoon.
- Hey.
- [siren wails.]
- Cute dog.
And the world is a brighter place too.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
Well, and that's how we met, right there on the ol' TriMet in the handicapped seat.
That is so romantic.
So how did you guys meet? [exhales.]
It's a long story.
Uh, I'll have to throw another round of hot dogs on the fire.
Come on, Lance, quit being a pussy.
Just tell the story.
Nina's the better storyteller in the family.
Okay, I'll do it.
It's like a fairy tale.
Picture it: Portland, 1997.
Just two cool guys out on the prowl.
[ball clatters in pocket.]
They didn't know where the night was gonna take them, and I didn't either.
- Nice.
- Two beers, please.
- How's it going? - [scoffs.]
Maintaining.
It's been a long time since I, uh, dug someone enough to pull out on.
I get you.
[applause.]
- What's that? - It's a burlesque show.
We should check it out.
You like boobs, right? I frickin' love boobs.
- Boobs.
- Boobs.
[rousing jazzy music.]
[over speakers.]
Salty Jazz Hands.
Salty Jazz Hands.
There she goes, rolling out.
Uh-oh, here they come.
Ladies and gentlemen, this act is, uh, magically delicious.
[sultry music.]
Who is that gorgeous girl? Oh, yeah, the strawberry blonde.
No, no, no.
There's only one girl up there, the redhead.
[clicks tongue.]
[dreamy orchestral music.]
[harp glissando.]
Uh, all right, there we go.
There we go.
[scattered applause.]
Oh, baby.
And there they go.
Thank you, sweet, sweet ladies.
Watch this.
Ad-aca-bro-decks, a-wham-wham-wham.
- [gasps.]
- Oh, what? [applause.]
[muffled music thumping.]
Hey.
I like your moves.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Well, I've got more moves than a furniture mover on moving day after someone sells their big house and moves into a bigger house.
Big's my middle name.
And my first name's Lance, so, uh, you can call me Lance.
What should I call you? My friends call me Ballerina.
Well, since I plan on being more than your friend, I think I'll call you Nina.
Nina, my ballerina.
Oh, there you go, Ballerina.
Uh, that's Derek, my boyfriend.
Hang on just a second.
What's this? Mm, buy yourself a a shave.
[coin flicks.]
It's on me, baby.
Come on, darling.
Let's go.
It was a really good show, I thought.
[moody orchestral music.]
I told you, man.
You got to be careful.
Messing with a magician's girl is dangerous.
I'm gonna pull out on that woman if it's the last thing I do.
Can we pull out on this story? No.
There's a lot more.
We're just at the tip.
[upbeat rock music.]
- Amanda? - Yes.
- Hi there.
How are you? - Amanda.
Amanda, nice to meet you.
- I'm Gigi.
- I'm Phil.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Yes.
We are from Standard Ceremonies, Weddings Division.
[bell tolls.]
- Cool.
- Why don't you talk to us? Tell us what's happening.
So my fiancée and I are are getting married here, Memorial Day weekend.
I just need a little bit of help planning the ceremony.
- Well - Uh-huh.
This seems like a very standard place, kind of forgettable, like a million other weddings.
- That's what we do.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Now, um, who's walking you up the aisle? - Uh, my dad.
- Okay, and, uh, does he have a bum leg? Does he sort of walk in a lopsided, very slow way? Oh, no.
My dad is very, very healthy.
Oh, really? Well, I think at a wedding, you need someone that's either ill or injured.
It's it's got to seem like an incredible feat that that person is walking at all.
- [dramatic organ chord.]
- [gasps.]
It walks.
Do I just tell my dad to pretend? We don't want any pretending.
We could kind of do, like, a Tonya Harding situation.
Oh, I I'm not sure I feel comfortable with you injuring my father.
Let's just say that the muscle in the Achilles tendon is sometimes disconnected during sleep.
I don't know, you guys.
Most of the time it's reversible.
What are you thinking for vows? Oh, um, actually, I wrote them.
[exhales.]
Laura, ever since that first date I'm already so bored.
Which is good.
- She's giving you a compliment.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Now, this is very important.
Oh, I have a band already.
Can they see it from the drones that we're gonna have flying overhead? - Zip! - Probably not.
You want it to be big enough so your relatives can see it and go, "Oh, my God.
Oh, that's beautiful.
" So, rice.
Now, this is controversial, because we know that this kills pigeons.
- Oh.
- But pigeons are flying - Meant to die.
- Yeah.
They have life spans.
Also, hey, pigeons, why are you eating rice? - Mm-hmm.
- Not your food.
Yeah, so do you have someone that you would like as a flower child in your wedding? - Yes, I have a niece.
- Well, we brought you - these people.
- Oh.
You want someone who's not able to take command at all, so that your guests are like, "Why did they even get him to do this?" - Okay.
- Like like, Silas, go walk over that way.
Go walk that way.
Go over there.
You see how he doesn't really take command? Yeah.
Is there any way to get a family member in here? I mean, I don't know if your niece can pull off stuff like these guys.
Uh, probably not.
You know, she talks throughout the whole wedding, asking questions the whole time, like, [high-pitched mumbling.]
[mumbling continues.]
You don't think that'll steal attention from the ceremony? Oh, it's absolutely gonna steal attention.
- Guess this is my wedding party.
both: Yeah.
Well, that was great.
I really liked this place.
Yeah, it's it's nice and sweet.
Too sweet, which is just how I like it.
[chuckles.]
Peter, look what time it is.
12 hours from now, it's breakfast.
- Breakfast.
- Breakfast.
Breakfast! Steel-cut Irish oatmeal with a little maple syrup.
We can have coffee and almond milk.
We can have rye toast or wheat toast or sourdough.
- A little breadbasket.
- Breadbasket! We can put the salt and pepper here, some sugar over here, maple syrup, honey.
I can't wait for breakfast.
Oh, me neither.
[inhales deeply.]
- Look at that, just - Ow.
Oof.
Stealing the oh, they stole the ATM.
Hey, I was thinking, what if we just prepped the kitchen for breakfast now? I was thinking the exact same thing.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, okay.
[playful music.]
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um, grind some coffee.
Here you go.
Oatmeal.
How are we doing on oatmeal? Let's check.
Okay, we have a couple weeks' worth.
[grinder whirring.]
I feel like a kid in a candy store.
I know.
Me too.
This is like Christmas.
Uh, toast, please.
Yeah.
[stammering.]
[exhales.]
Let me just practice coming in.
- I already - Good morning! Good mor good morning.
Now, how many steps is it? One, two, three.
Nance? The sooner we go to bed, the quicker breakfast comes.
Good night, breakfast.
Sleep well.
See you in the mañana.
[exhales.]
Remember when that new cupcake place opened up, and then we asked if they had any breakfast cupcakes? And they were like, "Yeah, that's a muffin.
" - Yeah.
Oh, it was so good.
- Yeah.
Oh, so good.
You know what I would love to do is is put a slideshow together for our friends of all our favorite breakfasts.
The hard part is editing the other ones out, you know, because you can't do all your breakfasts.
Yeah.
[both snoring.]
[murmurs.]
Breakfast.
Hash browns [snorts.]
[crickets chirping.]
[clock ticking.]
[floorboards creaking.]
[giggles.]
[stirring orchestral music.]
I bet this is what heaven's like.
I bet in heaven, breakfast is three times a day.
[snaps fingers.]
Oh, so good.
[both munching.]
Mmm, mmm.
- So good.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- We're eating so fast.
- Yeah, we really are.
- I mean, the next time we eat breakfast is in - in 24 hours, right? - Yeah.
Would it be better if we just ate really slow and took our time so that this can just last? I think that's a great idea.
All right.
- Ready? - Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
So what happened next? Yeah, that magician sounded like a real douche.
Yeah, I loved Derek.
They were in love, but I was in love too.
That's right.
Here's a knot, but no, it's not.
What happened there? [applause.]
I went to every show.
It made me feel really special.
He was kind of a stalker, the kind of stalker I like.
What color would you say that is? Yellow.
Oh, look who it is again, Mr.
, uh, Every Show.
And what color is it now? Red.
I was the president, vice president, and treasurer of a one-man fan club.
- That's so sweet.
- No, no, no.
Those are for the lady.
Um, that's very kind of you.
Uh, please That's when things got a little complicated.
You you got to be kidding.
You know, you come to every single show.
You come on to my girlfriend, and I'm telling ya, I don't dig it.
I can't help that I like, uh, magic.
Well, if you like magic so much, why don't you make yourself disappear? All right.
Can you dig it? Wow.
[motor revs.]
[upbeat rock music.]
How'd you do that? A biker never reveals his secrets.
Wow.
How romantic.
It was just a beanstalk that I wanted to climb.
Yeah, and I was the giant.
- No, I'm the giant.
- Oh.
Nina, uh, are you decent? 'Cause I got somebody out here who'd very much like to meet you.
Okay.
- Is that a Komodo dragon? - Komodo dragon? No, it's a an American alligator.
This is going into the act.
You don't think it seems a little dangerous? Mm no.
What's the worst that can happen? [alligator snarls.]
[dramatic sting.]
Tell me.
See? You're empty.
You got nothing.
[suspenseful music.]
And now, if we dare, we remove the muzzle.
[alligator growling.]
No! No! Oh! Oh, my God! [crowd clamoring.]
No, let go of him! [slow-motion.]
Nina! [alligator snarling.]
[blood squelches.]
[people screaming.]
Seymour bit off Derek's face that night.
That was really disgusting.
Hey.
I thought you should eat something.
I brought two sandwiches.
I didn't know whether you were vegetarian or not.
I'll take a meat one.
I love meat.
I like connecting to my animal nature, you know? Definitely.
I'm sorry about Derek.
- It's so scary.
- Yeah.
I'm glad I could be here for you, though.
I'm glad you're here too.
And that's when we started to fall in love.
- Who's first? - You are.
Go ahead.
Believe me now when I say That's really nice of you.
These words to you Thumb war.
I got you.
You have touched the very heart of me We're on a ship.
Girl, it's true He's stable.
You can come back and see him now.
Derek! Oh, it's a miracle.
Well, the good news is, he's gonna live forever.
The bad news is, he doesn't have a face, and he's not gonna wake up till he gets a new one.
- Oh.
- He's in a coma until he gets a face transplant.
Derek, don't worry, I'll never leave your side.
You're gonna have to leave, actually.
Visiting hours are over.
What about us, Nina? I mean, I kind of thought we had something, you know, special.
Lance, I'm sorry.
Derek has dibs.
All right.
Cool.
Peace out.
Derek, I'm right here.
It's Nina.
And the doctor's here, and he said you don't have a face.
Sorry, but you actually do have to leave.
It's that hour now.
Can't I stay and talk to him? No, you can come back and visit him and not see his face again tomorrow.
Bye, Derek.
[monitor beeps.]
Uh, the next item for discussion is the library lawn.
As we all know, it's not great for the environment to have grass.
And as this is a public space, we ought to be leading by example.
Now, we're on a very limited budget, but we have assembled a list of affordable options for alternative materials.
Just wondering, w when was this list compiled? Last week, at our previous meeting.
Oh, well, we didn't get an invitation, so we weren't there.
Uh, it was an efficiency thing.
Well, I don't know how it's efficient to leave us out of it, because now you have to tell us about the meeting.
And we're doing that now.
Okay, well, before I look at this list, and I haven't looked down at it yet, my suggestion is: Woodchips.
They don't require water.
You just chop down a tree, chip away at it hence the name.
Okay, if you look at the list, that is our first item on it.
Yeah, but I didn't see this list.
This came from my own mind.
So for the purposes of this meeting, could we let everyone know that it was my idea? But it wasn't.
We could put a plaque in to commemorate the fact that he came up with the woodchip idea.
Not gonna happen.
How about glass marbles? They would not only be environmentally friendly, but they would long outlast the woodchips.
I loved marbles as a kid.
When you think of kids playing, that's what they're playing, marbles.
I think it's the reason they play hooky from school.
I think video games, when I think kids today.
You said that we have a limited budget.
We're gonna put video games on the lawn? - No, I'm just talk - How do we charge them? Instead of a lawn, it could just be an extra lane for the freeway.
You want another lane of highway right up next to the building? Yes, so we reduce traffic and we get rid of this lawn.
But we're ten blocks from the highway.
- Soon we'll be zero blocks.
- Imagine that.
People showing up at this "li-berry," and they're they and is it "li-berry" or "li-brary"? - Library.
- Brary.
But "li-berry" sounds so right.
That's what's so misleading about it.
No, it makes you sound like you're 20%, uh, less intelligent.
There's no reason to raise your voice.
I-I didn't raise my voice.
You screamed into my ear.
I-I haven't moved, have I? I haven't seen you move.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
[softly.]
I don't give a shit about the library lawn.
You think I give a shit? But you guys wanted to have this meeting.
You want these suggestions.
I have suggestions.
- I have a suggestion.
- Ma'am.
Why don't you two move to Seattle? I've been suggesting for years that Malcolm move to Seattle.
Well, one thing that we all do agree on is that books are stupid.
So you rejected Lance for a magician in a coma with no face? Not exactly.
It's not like you think.
Wow.
This is quite a story.
Oh, yeah, and we haven't even gotten to the gory part yet.
Gory part? Oh, it turns into a real horror show.
I told you she was trouble, man.
Antoinette, can I get the check? Where are you going? Where am I going? I'm going to save face and get my girl.
Technically, I'm gonna lose face, but that's just semantics.
Catch you later.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to give your face to Derek - so he can live? - That's right.
But you'll be in a coma until you can get a face transplant yourself.
Most people wait the rest of their lives waiting on the face list.
Lance, you can't go through with this.
Nina, I want you looking at this face for the rest of your life.
If that means I have to be in a coma for that to happen, I'm willing to take that risk.
Oh, Lance, you're you're my hero.
[tender music.]
[kisses.]
[monitor beeping.]
Let's do this.
One thing.
Don't mess up this moustache.
Copy that.
So wait.
You're Derek? No, no, wait.
Get ready for the abracadabra.
[dramatic music.]
[ventilator hissing, monitors beeping.]
[device whirring.]
Oh, gross.
My poor Lance.
My poor Lance? [soft music.]
He he's who I want not faceless Derek.
Doctor, Doctor! Doctor? I'm sorry, I can't hear you through the glass.
Can you put his face back on? Put his face back on, please? I'm sorry, but I've got to I've got to do the laser the face right now.
No, thank you.
I want it back on him again.
I want Lance.
You're very understanding.
I really appreciate it.
[flesh squelching softly.]
You you sure it's right? [upbeat orchestral flourish.]
Then I could see your whole skull and everything.
That's great.
Well, your chart looks pretty good, but I'm sorry we weren't able to take care of that moustache business for you.
You I would've rather had you put my face on inside out than not have a moustache.
Look, I agree, for the symmetry of your face, you need a moustache.
I'm not arguing with you about that.
But it's not up to me.
I'm a doctor.
I can do this kind of transplant.
I can do lots of different kinds of surgery, but I can't do anything involving hair.
Well, thank you for that, Doctor.
Okay.
[dramatic music.]
You didn't hear this from me.
There's a boat that comes into international waters every couple of years.
You're in luck.
This very month, it's coming off the coast of Oregon.
Think the City of Hope, but this is the City of Hair.
I can put hair anywhere on the human body that you want it, but you got to play ball with me.
You can't tell anybody about it.
But I'm gonna need an imprint of that card today.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
Are you ready to set sail? Lance, it seems worth it to me.
You know, there's a really cool magic trick I heard about.
Yeah, what is it? It's where I make your penis disappear.
[gentle orchestration.]
[loud slapping.]
Turns out that that gator kept me from making the biggest mistake of my whole life.
This is a seriously [bleep.]
-up story.
Yeah, what happened to Derek? Yeah, he's, uh, still waiting for a face.
Yeah, we keep him up in our attic, connected to a bunch of machines.
That's why our electricity bill is so high.
[electricity crackles.]
This fire's so nice, isn't it? [sighs.]
Yeah.
It's, uh Should we make s'mores? [Derek groans.]
[monitor beeping.]
So I give my love to you Baby, yeah You're distracting me.
I know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
- It's hard.
- I bet it is.
If I put my leg ow! [bleep.]
! God damn it.
What why is that so hot? It's the engine.
I just burned my [bleep.]
leg.
Ain't nobody, baby
That's right.
Without blinders, these horses would be running around like a bunch of maniacs.
So we applied this very technology to human beings.
Introducing the first-ever distraction-canceling glasses.
Finally, a world where you can focus on the original thing you were doing.
Can you see how much flights are to visit my parents? Yeah, sure, I'll, uh, look online.
- Oh, what's this? both: Freeze.
This poor guy doesn't have a chance.
He's gonna end up clicking on what the cast of "Family Matters" looks like right now.
Skateboarders racking their balls on handrails.
Tigers who are friends with bears.
Cats playing the piano.
Colorblind videos where people put on these special glasses and they see colors for the first time, and they're so overwhelmed by emotion that they take off the glasses and then go like this, like And everyone's crying.
[percussive music.]
[glasses beeping, whirring.]
- Unfreeze.
- Whoa.
Oh, flights are pretty cheap, actually.
It's about $317.
Distraction blinders remove the distraction.
And it's not just for the Internet.
Wedding invites that get you thinking about your own pathetic life.
Freeze.
[glasses whir and beep.]
Unfreeze.
Honey, we got invited to a cool buffet party.
[upbeat music.]
Huh? [mumbles.]
[mournful harmonica tune.]
[spits.]
And these glasses won't just shield you from personal problems.
They can help shape your worldview as well.
[upbeat music.]
- Good afternoon.
- Hey.
- [siren wails.]
- Cute dog.
And the world is a brighter place too.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
Well, and that's how we met, right there on the ol' TriMet in the handicapped seat.
That is so romantic.
So how did you guys meet? [exhales.]
It's a long story.
Uh, I'll have to throw another round of hot dogs on the fire.
Come on, Lance, quit being a pussy.
Just tell the story.
Nina's the better storyteller in the family.
Okay, I'll do it.
It's like a fairy tale.
Picture it: Portland, 1997.
Just two cool guys out on the prowl.
[ball clatters in pocket.]
They didn't know where the night was gonna take them, and I didn't either.
- Nice.
- Two beers, please.
- How's it going? - [scoffs.]
Maintaining.
It's been a long time since I, uh, dug someone enough to pull out on.
I get you.
[applause.]
- What's that? - It's a burlesque show.
We should check it out.
You like boobs, right? I frickin' love boobs.
- Boobs.
- Boobs.
[rousing jazzy music.]
[over speakers.]
Salty Jazz Hands.
Salty Jazz Hands.
There she goes, rolling out.
Uh-oh, here they come.
Ladies and gentlemen, this act is, uh, magically delicious.
[sultry music.]
Who is that gorgeous girl? Oh, yeah, the strawberry blonde.
No, no, no.
There's only one girl up there, the redhead.
[clicks tongue.]
[dreamy orchestral music.]
[harp glissando.]
Uh, all right, there we go.
There we go.
[scattered applause.]
Oh, baby.
And there they go.
Thank you, sweet, sweet ladies.
Watch this.
Ad-aca-bro-decks, a-wham-wham-wham.
- [gasps.]
- Oh, what? [applause.]
[muffled music thumping.]
Hey.
I like your moves.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Well, I've got more moves than a furniture mover on moving day after someone sells their big house and moves into a bigger house.
Big's my middle name.
And my first name's Lance, so, uh, you can call me Lance.
What should I call you? My friends call me Ballerina.
Well, since I plan on being more than your friend, I think I'll call you Nina.
Nina, my ballerina.
Oh, there you go, Ballerina.
Uh, that's Derek, my boyfriend.
Hang on just a second.
What's this? Mm, buy yourself a a shave.
[coin flicks.]
It's on me, baby.
Come on, darling.
Let's go.
It was a really good show, I thought.
[moody orchestral music.]
I told you, man.
You got to be careful.
Messing with a magician's girl is dangerous.
I'm gonna pull out on that woman if it's the last thing I do.
Can we pull out on this story? No.
There's a lot more.
We're just at the tip.
[upbeat rock music.]
- Amanda? - Yes.
- Hi there.
How are you? - Amanda.
Amanda, nice to meet you.
- I'm Gigi.
- I'm Phil.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Yes.
We are from Standard Ceremonies, Weddings Division.
[bell tolls.]
- Cool.
- Why don't you talk to us? Tell us what's happening.
So my fiancée and I are are getting married here, Memorial Day weekend.
I just need a little bit of help planning the ceremony.
- Well - Uh-huh.
This seems like a very standard place, kind of forgettable, like a million other weddings.
- That's what we do.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Now, um, who's walking you up the aisle? - Uh, my dad.
- Okay, and, uh, does he have a bum leg? Does he sort of walk in a lopsided, very slow way? Oh, no.
My dad is very, very healthy.
Oh, really? Well, I think at a wedding, you need someone that's either ill or injured.
It's it's got to seem like an incredible feat that that person is walking at all.
- [dramatic organ chord.]
- [gasps.]
It walks.
Do I just tell my dad to pretend? We don't want any pretending.
We could kind of do, like, a Tonya Harding situation.
Oh, I I'm not sure I feel comfortable with you injuring my father.
Let's just say that the muscle in the Achilles tendon is sometimes disconnected during sleep.
I don't know, you guys.
Most of the time it's reversible.
What are you thinking for vows? Oh, um, actually, I wrote them.
[exhales.]
Laura, ever since that first date I'm already so bored.
Which is good.
- She's giving you a compliment.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Now, this is very important.
Oh, I have a band already.
Can they see it from the drones that we're gonna have flying overhead? - Zip! - Probably not.
You want it to be big enough so your relatives can see it and go, "Oh, my God.
Oh, that's beautiful.
" So, rice.
Now, this is controversial, because we know that this kills pigeons.
- Oh.
- But pigeons are flying - Meant to die.
- Yeah.
They have life spans.
Also, hey, pigeons, why are you eating rice? - Mm-hmm.
- Not your food.
Yeah, so do you have someone that you would like as a flower child in your wedding? - Yes, I have a niece.
- Well, we brought you - these people.
- Oh.
You want someone who's not able to take command at all, so that your guests are like, "Why did they even get him to do this?" - Okay.
- Like like, Silas, go walk over that way.
Go walk that way.
Go over there.
You see how he doesn't really take command? Yeah.
Is there any way to get a family member in here? I mean, I don't know if your niece can pull off stuff like these guys.
Uh, probably not.
You know, she talks throughout the whole wedding, asking questions the whole time, like, [high-pitched mumbling.]
[mumbling continues.]
You don't think that'll steal attention from the ceremony? Oh, it's absolutely gonna steal attention.
- Guess this is my wedding party.
both: Yeah.
Well, that was great.
I really liked this place.
Yeah, it's it's nice and sweet.
Too sweet, which is just how I like it.
[chuckles.]
Peter, look what time it is.
12 hours from now, it's breakfast.
- Breakfast.
- Breakfast.
Breakfast! Steel-cut Irish oatmeal with a little maple syrup.
We can have coffee and almond milk.
We can have rye toast or wheat toast or sourdough.
- A little breadbasket.
- Breadbasket! We can put the salt and pepper here, some sugar over here, maple syrup, honey.
I can't wait for breakfast.
Oh, me neither.
[inhales deeply.]
- Look at that, just - Ow.
Oof.
Stealing the oh, they stole the ATM.
Hey, I was thinking, what if we just prepped the kitchen for breakfast now? I was thinking the exact same thing.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, okay.
[playful music.]
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um, grind some coffee.
Here you go.
Oatmeal.
How are we doing on oatmeal? Let's check.
Okay, we have a couple weeks' worth.
[grinder whirring.]
I feel like a kid in a candy store.
I know.
Me too.
This is like Christmas.
Uh, toast, please.
Yeah.
[stammering.]
[exhales.]
Let me just practice coming in.
- I already - Good morning! Good mor good morning.
Now, how many steps is it? One, two, three.
Nance? The sooner we go to bed, the quicker breakfast comes.
Good night, breakfast.
Sleep well.
See you in the mañana.
[exhales.]
Remember when that new cupcake place opened up, and then we asked if they had any breakfast cupcakes? And they were like, "Yeah, that's a muffin.
" - Yeah.
Oh, it was so good.
- Yeah.
Oh, so good.
You know what I would love to do is is put a slideshow together for our friends of all our favorite breakfasts.
The hard part is editing the other ones out, you know, because you can't do all your breakfasts.
Yeah.
[both snoring.]
[murmurs.]
Breakfast.
Hash browns [snorts.]
[crickets chirping.]
[clock ticking.]
[floorboards creaking.]
[giggles.]
[stirring orchestral music.]
I bet this is what heaven's like.
I bet in heaven, breakfast is three times a day.
[snaps fingers.]
Oh, so good.
[both munching.]
Mmm, mmm.
- So good.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- We're eating so fast.
- Yeah, we really are.
- I mean, the next time we eat breakfast is in - in 24 hours, right? - Yeah.
Would it be better if we just ate really slow and took our time so that this can just last? I think that's a great idea.
All right.
- Ready? - Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
So what happened next? Yeah, that magician sounded like a real douche.
Yeah, I loved Derek.
They were in love, but I was in love too.
That's right.
Here's a knot, but no, it's not.
What happened there? [applause.]
I went to every show.
It made me feel really special.
He was kind of a stalker, the kind of stalker I like.
What color would you say that is? Yellow.
Oh, look who it is again, Mr.
, uh, Every Show.
And what color is it now? Red.
I was the president, vice president, and treasurer of a one-man fan club.
- That's so sweet.
- No, no, no.
Those are for the lady.
Um, that's very kind of you.
Uh, please That's when things got a little complicated.
You you got to be kidding.
You know, you come to every single show.
You come on to my girlfriend, and I'm telling ya, I don't dig it.
I can't help that I like, uh, magic.
Well, if you like magic so much, why don't you make yourself disappear? All right.
Can you dig it? Wow.
[motor revs.]
[upbeat rock music.]
How'd you do that? A biker never reveals his secrets.
Wow.
How romantic.
It was just a beanstalk that I wanted to climb.
Yeah, and I was the giant.
- No, I'm the giant.
- Oh.
Nina, uh, are you decent? 'Cause I got somebody out here who'd very much like to meet you.
Okay.
- Is that a Komodo dragon? - Komodo dragon? No, it's a an American alligator.
This is going into the act.
You don't think it seems a little dangerous? Mm no.
What's the worst that can happen? [alligator snarls.]
[dramatic sting.]
Tell me.
See? You're empty.
You got nothing.
[suspenseful music.]
And now, if we dare, we remove the muzzle.
[alligator growling.]
No! No! Oh! Oh, my God! [crowd clamoring.]
No, let go of him! [slow-motion.]
Nina! [alligator snarling.]
[blood squelches.]
[people screaming.]
Seymour bit off Derek's face that night.
That was really disgusting.
Hey.
I thought you should eat something.
I brought two sandwiches.
I didn't know whether you were vegetarian or not.
I'll take a meat one.
I love meat.
I like connecting to my animal nature, you know? Definitely.
I'm sorry about Derek.
- It's so scary.
- Yeah.
I'm glad I could be here for you, though.
I'm glad you're here too.
And that's when we started to fall in love.
- Who's first? - You are.
Go ahead.
Believe me now when I say That's really nice of you.
These words to you Thumb war.
I got you.
You have touched the very heart of me We're on a ship.
Girl, it's true He's stable.
You can come back and see him now.
Derek! Oh, it's a miracle.
Well, the good news is, he's gonna live forever.
The bad news is, he doesn't have a face, and he's not gonna wake up till he gets a new one.
- Oh.
- He's in a coma until he gets a face transplant.
Derek, don't worry, I'll never leave your side.
You're gonna have to leave, actually.
Visiting hours are over.
What about us, Nina? I mean, I kind of thought we had something, you know, special.
Lance, I'm sorry.
Derek has dibs.
All right.
Cool.
Peace out.
Derek, I'm right here.
It's Nina.
And the doctor's here, and he said you don't have a face.
Sorry, but you actually do have to leave.
It's that hour now.
Can't I stay and talk to him? No, you can come back and visit him and not see his face again tomorrow.
Bye, Derek.
[monitor beeps.]
Uh, the next item for discussion is the library lawn.
As we all know, it's not great for the environment to have grass.
And as this is a public space, we ought to be leading by example.
Now, we're on a very limited budget, but we have assembled a list of affordable options for alternative materials.
Just wondering, w when was this list compiled? Last week, at our previous meeting.
Oh, well, we didn't get an invitation, so we weren't there.
Uh, it was an efficiency thing.
Well, I don't know how it's efficient to leave us out of it, because now you have to tell us about the meeting.
And we're doing that now.
Okay, well, before I look at this list, and I haven't looked down at it yet, my suggestion is: Woodchips.
They don't require water.
You just chop down a tree, chip away at it hence the name.
Okay, if you look at the list, that is our first item on it.
Yeah, but I didn't see this list.
This came from my own mind.
So for the purposes of this meeting, could we let everyone know that it was my idea? But it wasn't.
We could put a plaque in to commemorate the fact that he came up with the woodchip idea.
Not gonna happen.
How about glass marbles? They would not only be environmentally friendly, but they would long outlast the woodchips.
I loved marbles as a kid.
When you think of kids playing, that's what they're playing, marbles.
I think it's the reason they play hooky from school.
I think video games, when I think kids today.
You said that we have a limited budget.
We're gonna put video games on the lawn? - No, I'm just talk - How do we charge them? Instead of a lawn, it could just be an extra lane for the freeway.
You want another lane of highway right up next to the building? Yes, so we reduce traffic and we get rid of this lawn.
But we're ten blocks from the highway.
- Soon we'll be zero blocks.
- Imagine that.
People showing up at this "li-berry," and they're they and is it "li-berry" or "li-brary"? - Library.
- Brary.
But "li-berry" sounds so right.
That's what's so misleading about it.
No, it makes you sound like you're 20%, uh, less intelligent.
There's no reason to raise your voice.
I-I didn't raise my voice.
You screamed into my ear.
I-I haven't moved, have I? I haven't seen you move.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
[softly.]
I don't give a shit about the library lawn.
You think I give a shit? But you guys wanted to have this meeting.
You want these suggestions.
I have suggestions.
- I have a suggestion.
- Ma'am.
Why don't you two move to Seattle? I've been suggesting for years that Malcolm move to Seattle.
Well, one thing that we all do agree on is that books are stupid.
So you rejected Lance for a magician in a coma with no face? Not exactly.
It's not like you think.
Wow.
This is quite a story.
Oh, yeah, and we haven't even gotten to the gory part yet.
Gory part? Oh, it turns into a real horror show.
I told you she was trouble, man.
Antoinette, can I get the check? Where are you going? Where am I going? I'm going to save face and get my girl.
Technically, I'm gonna lose face, but that's just semantics.
Catch you later.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to give your face to Derek - so he can live? - That's right.
But you'll be in a coma until you can get a face transplant yourself.
Most people wait the rest of their lives waiting on the face list.
Lance, you can't go through with this.
Nina, I want you looking at this face for the rest of your life.
If that means I have to be in a coma for that to happen, I'm willing to take that risk.
Oh, Lance, you're you're my hero.
[tender music.]
[kisses.]
[monitor beeping.]
Let's do this.
One thing.
Don't mess up this moustache.
Copy that.
So wait.
You're Derek? No, no, wait.
Get ready for the abracadabra.
[dramatic music.]
[ventilator hissing, monitors beeping.]
[device whirring.]
Oh, gross.
My poor Lance.
My poor Lance? [soft music.]
He he's who I want not faceless Derek.
Doctor, Doctor! Doctor? I'm sorry, I can't hear you through the glass.
Can you put his face back on? Put his face back on, please? I'm sorry, but I've got to I've got to do the laser the face right now.
No, thank you.
I want it back on him again.
I want Lance.
You're very understanding.
I really appreciate it.
[flesh squelching softly.]
You you sure it's right? [upbeat orchestral flourish.]
Then I could see your whole skull and everything.
That's great.
Well, your chart looks pretty good, but I'm sorry we weren't able to take care of that moustache business for you.
You I would've rather had you put my face on inside out than not have a moustache.
Look, I agree, for the symmetry of your face, you need a moustache.
I'm not arguing with you about that.
But it's not up to me.
I'm a doctor.
I can do this kind of transplant.
I can do lots of different kinds of surgery, but I can't do anything involving hair.
Well, thank you for that, Doctor.
Okay.
[dramatic music.]
You didn't hear this from me.
There's a boat that comes into international waters every couple of years.
You're in luck.
This very month, it's coming off the coast of Oregon.
Think the City of Hope, but this is the City of Hair.
I can put hair anywhere on the human body that you want it, but you got to play ball with me.
You can't tell anybody about it.
But I'm gonna need an imprint of that card today.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
Are you ready to set sail? Lance, it seems worth it to me.
You know, there's a really cool magic trick I heard about.
Yeah, what is it? It's where I make your penis disappear.
[gentle orchestration.]
[loud slapping.]
Turns out that that gator kept me from making the biggest mistake of my whole life.
This is a seriously [bleep.]
-up story.
Yeah, what happened to Derek? Yeah, he's, uh, still waiting for a face.
Yeah, we keep him up in our attic, connected to a bunch of machines.
That's why our electricity bill is so high.
[electricity crackles.]
This fire's so nice, isn't it? [sighs.]
Yeah.
It's, uh Should we make s'mores? [Derek groans.]
[monitor beeping.]
So I give my love to you Baby, yeah You're distracting me.
I know.
Keep your eyes on the road.
- It's hard.
- I bet it is.
If I put my leg ow! [bleep.]
! God damn it.
What why is that so hot? It's the engine.
I just burned my [bleep.]
leg.
Ain't nobody, baby