Portlandia (2011) s08e10 Episode Script

Rose Route

1 Uh-huh, so that's just for the nose job.
Oh! The cheeks as well.
Oh, that seems more reasonable.
All right, I'll call you back.
Thank you.
Hi, Sam! - Sir.
- You wanted to talk to me about Uh, the marathon.
The Portland Marathon is this weekend.
Ah, you know I love a marathon! Starting with the logo for the race - Oh.
- You'll see the runner and the globe, 'cause we're a global city.
- I love it! - Yeah.
For those that finish the race, they get this coin.
Oh, I love a novelty coin.
And just the last little detail here is the route.
- Hate it.
- What? Everything else you brought me filled me with excitement, but this this I mean, from a bird's eye view, it looks like a soggy cereal flake.
No, no, no, let's forget this amorphous shape.
And let's give this city a route they can really appreciate.
Let's make the route a blooming rose! [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Toni, I don't understand.
You're just gonna leave me all alone here in Portland? Why? Candace, I'm just gone for a few days.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine.
- Are you gonna miss me? - Of course.
I'm gonna think about you every second of every minute of every hour of every single day, Toni.
That is really scary and very sweet, but try to focus on something else, okay? - Bye.
- Bye, Toni, bye! Good-bye! [SOBBING] Oh, hi, Dolly You're Dolly? Candace? You're my new best friend! Welcome! You look a little bit different from your Airbnb profile photo.
Oh, that's Cate Blanchett.
My sister told me that she didn't live in Portland! Well, your sister's a stupid idiot, come on.
You got wheels on that, right? Yes.
This is so lovely.
Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
It's my pleasure.
I can't wait to share my life with you and to become entwined with you at every level.
Well, I'll just just be here for a week.
Okay.
You really are fit, aren't you? How do you stay in shape to run these marathons? What I do is really just focus on being positive and then I just see running as an extension of my optimism.
Like all of life! I just relish it.
Wow, that's fascinating.
The only thing I'm positive about is how dumb 1,000% of human beings are.
I'm telling you, if I didn't carry so much hate in my heart for humanity, I'd be dead.
It gives me a reason to wake up.
I don't really see see the use in anger.
I I like to see the good I just want to take wallpaper paste and gift wrapping paper and just put it over everyone's face.
Don't you ever feel like that? No.
Well, let me poison and corrupt you.
[PHONE CHIMES] [PHONE VIBRATING] Less than five horrific things have happened in the last 24 hours.
I know, so stressful.
Look at my skin.
I know, me too.
Stress.
[PHONE VIBRATING] "Long distance running shown to alleviate stress.
" Did you read this? - Yeah, I saw it earlier.
- Huh.
Hey, isn't the Portland Marathon coming up? I think so.
What if we tried that? Yeah, we could.
I don't think you just jump into that.
We might need, like, a trainer.
Definitely.
All right, I can look one up, I just, ah, I really need to pop this zit first.
Sure.
Ow! Ow! There you go, Sam.
Just the way you like it.
Thank you, sir.
Now, in order to complete the Rose Route, we're gonna need to close down Mohawk Street between Colombia and Lombard.
We're also gonna need Look, I'm sure we can all agree on how creative and beautiful a rose-shaped running route is, but in order for you to gain access, we're gonna have to get something in return.
This is a quid pro quo situation, sir.
Ah, yes.
Look, they're building this monstrosity right in our backyard.
The neighborhood doesn't need another condo.
Lose this, and you'll get access to the streets for your marathon.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] Deal.
We would be losing a lot of brunch business.
What if we diverted a block over, to Michigan? If you stop this construction, I think Michigan would work.
They say it depends on who the Trailblazers are playing.
It's gonna be hard to get tickets for Golden State, but definitely for Sacramento.
We'll take the Blazers tickets.
And there's this big apartment complex - going in on - No more condos.
You got it! Dan, this is great.
Good morning.
Who wants a little delicious breakf Dolly? [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Isn't it kind of early for a game of hide and seek? Dolly! Dolly! [SOBBING] Your breakfast is ready, Dolly! It's me, Candace, your best friend! Oh! [EXHALES] Okay! Let's start off real simple.
How about a, uh Just a jog in place? Okay? Ready? Go! Okay, great.
Great, great, great.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
Carrie, you have a natural runner's gait.
I mean, you look like a gazelle when you move.
And I see a lot of potential in you.
Fred, I don't think that running is for you.
So I encourage you to just take the whole idea of personal fitness, and just throw it out the window.
- Cool.
- Thank you.
So what I like to do with new clients is just see what your fitness goals are.
I guess we've just become news junkies, basically.
- [PHONE CHIMES] - And it's very stressful.
So we're looking to get in shape, but also to try to find something else to focus on - [PHONE BUZZES] - aside from the news.
And we were thinking that we could work up to running the Portland Marathon.
- Wow! - Mm-hmm.
Well, I think that with enough hard work, - and one on one time, Carrie - Mm-hmm.
And I can get you there.
- That's great.
- And me too? Yeah, I don't know, I'm not sure.
One thing you should know about us is that we don't love sustained physical activity.
That is actually really common.
So how do people run marathons, then? Um, have you ever had a runner's high? No.
Well, if you push yourself hard enough - Mm-hmm.
- And long enough The bod just takes you to a whole other place.
And all those feelings of stress, pain, worry, all those distractions, they just start to melt away with every bead of sweat.
And you know what's left? [TRANQUIL MUSIC] Magic! I want that.
I want to give it to you.
[GASPS] - What? - Turkey! It's dead.
Whoa, the whole country? Oh, no.
"A turkey.
" I'm so sorry.
I alarmed everybody.
"A turkey is dead.
" [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Just one more piece of the puzzle, Sam! This bridge completes the Rose Route.
Now, we are prepared to offer There's only one thing I really want.
Anything, anything.
Just ask.
How 'bout you stop building ugly condos in my sightline.
Morrison Bridge is yours.
[TENSE MUSIC] [BELL DINGS] Hey, Candace, oh my God! There's the most brilliant loop to run over that way.
Have you done it? Do you know how long I've been looking for you? - I made you breakfast - Oh.
Out of the goodness of my own budget.
With my hands! Do you think I enjoy making breakfast for other people? - No.
- I do! But, honey, when you say you're gonna be there, you have to be there! I'm I'm really sorry if I've upset you.
I just, um I train in the mornings, but if you wanted to, we could hang out this evening, I have to get up early in the morning, since it's the marathon.
But I'm so sorry.
Apology accepted.
I've got to have a shower.
Are we friends? - We are best friends.
- Good.
But I enjoy being angry, so you can go inside, shower, do whatever you need, but I'm just gonna yell at an imaginary you.
Okay, lovely.
As a guest? Oh, and you prancing around like you're the queen of the world! Well, you're not! - No! - Candace, I'm so sorry.
- Where are the towels? - The blue cabinet.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Do I look like I'm smiling? Huh? Up, up, good, good.
Looking good, Care-bear.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Bailey.
I'm not getting that runner's high.
I was thinking I'd love the feeling of not running anymore and just looking at my phone.
Yeah, do whatever you want, pal.
Hey, Carrie, how are you feeling? From here, it's looking good.
It's all working.
I don't have a runner's high, but yeah, I feel I feel great.
All right, well, let me know if you want some champagne.
Yeah, maybe! It's high in sugar, but it's half a cheat day.
- You've earned it.
- Wow, okay.
Cool.
You know, if you wanted, I could put an extra inch or two on your glutes.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- So we could start today.
- Let's! - Good.
- All right, you ready? - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's me and you.
- All right.
[CART WHIRRS] [EAGLE SQUAWKS] God, you look so graceful.
Hey, I'm working out! [TENSE MUSIC] Two blocks on Sandy.
Okay.
All right then, well The Portland Rose Route, Sam.
- We did it! - Wow.
[LAUGHTER] [ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING] I hope you like your dinner.
Yes, I've never had bread-crusted ravioli filled with pasta and with potatoes on the side before.
Thank you.
I heard that runners need their carbs.
- I have a fun idea.
- Mm-hmm? Let's gossip.
Oh, I don't I don't think we know the same people.
Just dish some dirt on someone you know from home, even if I don't know them.
- Um - Go on, anything.
Shoot, go, do it, give me something.
Okay, um, one of my friends got, um, divorced - two years ago.
- [GASPS] No.
Was it violent? You can tell me.
- Was he hitting her? - Goodness, no! - No, no - Was she hitting him? No, absolutely not; they're still very good friends.
They just got divorced.
You don't have anything mean to say about anyone, do you? Nothing negative at all.
Is there something wrong with you? No, I just I don't really see the point in anger, or resentment.
I I don't know how you got through life being that way.
Well, I should, um I should go to bed.
I've got to get up at 5:30.
I've set the alarm.
No, no, don't worry about that.
I'm up at 4:00 in the morning.
- Oh, okay.
- I'll be up before you.
- Oh.
- I'll wake you up.
Oh, that would be great, thank you.
Can I brush your hair as you go to sleep? Absolutely.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Hey, there you are.
Hey, whoa, what's all this stuff? I know it looks stupid, but I just figured this is gonna be like a long flight.
I've got a bunch of movies on here, right? "Sully," got a couple of podcasts here, one about the opioid crisis.
Some news feeds on my wrist phones.
Also my heart rate's gonna be right over here, so you I need you to read it for me, 'cause I can't see it from here.
- What about you? You ready? - Yeah! - Hi! - There you are! Hey.
I was wondering where you were.
How you feeling? Little better now that you're here.
So are you ready to run with the rest of my bitches - and catch that runner's high? - Wait, what? Hey, look, I gotta do my rounds, okay? But I will be back to check on you.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Go get 'em out there.
I can't wait to see you glisten.
- Do you have a shirt for me? - Nah, I didn't bring any more.
See ya! Oh my God, look at you.
Flex it, flex it! [OMINOUS MUSIC] That's good.
[LAUGHS] [MAN ON PA, DISTORTED] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Portland Marathon! You're still a little tight.
A little tight.
May I have your attention, please? This route, as you can see Today, we have this beautiful, rose-shaped route for you to run.
[STIRRING MUSIC] Oh, all right.
Get! [GUNSHOT] [CHEERING] Mr.
Mayor, Mr.
Mayor.
Sam? Aren't you running in the race? Uh, no, no.
The Morrison Bridge, it's out.
It's cancelled.
- What? - We can't use it.
No.
Why? Uh, cargo ships they needed access to the river.
It just happened.
No, no, no, no! We need the bridge to complete the rose shape.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] No, oh no, oh no.
Well, what do you feel like doing today? It's the marathon, Candace! Are you still gonna go to that? Of course I am! You know that.
What's wrong with you? Fine, well, I'll give you a ride to the starting line.
No, I don't want anything more from you.
I think that you did this on purpose! I I think that you're bitter, I think you're nosy, and I think that you're mean.
[DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS] [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] [DRAMATIC MUSIC] [TIRES SCREECHING] Hurry, Sam! We must protect this rose! Look out, everybody! Great stride! All right, get out there, get out there.
Go on, Roxy.
Get it! Hey.
Did you know rose petals are gold medals but, uh, for the heart? That's stupid.
No, I didn't I totally didn't know that.
Oh, really? There's so much you haven't heard of.
I'm gonna take a picture of you so you can use it as a dating profile pic, because you do look good sweaty.
Oh, yeah, well, I probably need one.
'Cause I need to find some someone new today, right? What? Did someone break up with you, sweetie? No, what do you mean? Lookin' good, Sally.
Yeah, like, you're like two times six timing me, I mean, like, whatever.
I'm stupid.
Just I have to end this, this is I'm moving on! No, no, no, no, no, Carrie, don't move on! - I need you.
- Fred? [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Morrison is out.
We have to change the route.
Car coming through.
[HORN HONKS] Have you seen Dolly? [SOBBING] Dolly! Where are you? Excuse me! [HORN HONKS] Move! [TIRES SCREECH] I didn't even know this existed.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Oh, yes.
I haven't been here in a long time.
Long time.
Sir sir, the runners are gonna be here any minute.
Let's go.
[SIGHS] What is this? Oh, you have no idea.
It smells.
Oh, yeah, that's her smell.
We're very close.
[CROW CACKLES] [CROW CACKLES] [DOOR CREAKS] Hello? Well, hello, Mayor.
We don't intend to stay very long.
I'm here Oh, I know why you're here.
The question remains, do you? [EERIE MUSIC] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Ugh! Carrie, this is too heavy.
Screw this! Fred, I can't I can't go on.
I definitely want to stop, but we're halfway there! Okay, well, it's gonna suck! I know, but hey, look, we're in it together, okay? Okay.
Okay! Let's go.
Dolly, it's me! I thought about what you said.
I want to apologize! Turn around and look at me! Go away! - Get in! - No! Dolly! This is private between me and her! Dolly! I'm sorry! Where are you going? [WOMAN CACKLING] Oh, you can have the bridge! I'm just gonna need a little something in return.
Let me guess, no more condos? Oh, [SCOFFS] You know how long I've been down here? The whole city is a condo to me, Mr.
Mayor.
The key, now.
Don't you think that it's time that we got back to how things used to be? [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Damn it! Sam, step outside.
Oh [SIGHS] I need this bridge! [STRAINING] [CACKLING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, boy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Oh my God! It's happening! This is the runner's high! This is the first time in a long time that I feel present.
I know, I thought my stress had gone away, but I was just distracting myself.
We're actually looking at each other.
I know.
Fred, I gotta say, I couldn't do this without you.
The race? Any of it.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] [SCREAMING] [STRAINING AND CACKLING] [KEYBOARD CLACKING] [SCREAMING] Darling, give it a rest.
You know your powers don't work here.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] - Margaret.
- Yeah? I just want what's best for this city.
Didn't you once want that too? Of course.
Son, that's what we've That's what we've both wanted for centuries.
We just want to keep the world the way we always remembered it.
Listen, if you want access to the bridge, I require only one thing.
And I think it's something that you're gonna be willing to give.
[CHUCKLING] [STIRRING MUSIC] Dolly! [HORN HONKING] I'm sorry.
I'm apologizing! I never apologize! Dolly! This is a race course, ma'am! Dolly, I want to apologize! [TIRES SCREECHING] [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] And here they come - Dolly! Turn around and look at me! - No! [STIRRING MUSIC] Dolly! Wait! What are you clapping about? Dolly! 1240 coming up from behind! Over here! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] There she is, coming in right in the front - of the line now.
- Dolly! Ah! 1240, now coming in first.
- Dolly! - Congratulations! Dolly! Dolly, I am so sorry for my behavior.
Do you know what? You don't have to apologize.
I just ran faster than I've ever run in my whole life because I was so scared of you.
Thank you, Candace.
I suppose I I did do something kind for once.
[STIRRING MUSIC] - Do you want to go celebrate? - No way! That felt great! Hey, guys! Oh, I can't believe it! - We did it! - Fred, I'm proud of us.
- I am too! - Hey, bitches.
- Hi! - You did it! - Yeah.
- I'm proud of you.
Thanks! You know, I just I just wanted to say you did not need to lead me on, or, like, give me false encouragement.
I I could've done this on my own.
Yeah, no, Carrie, I knew you could.
I just thought that a little crush would help motivate you.
With Fred, I could tell that he responds to being ignored, so I was just doing my job.
Well, I guess I'm stupid, but I just caught real feelings, so I'm sorry.
I think you're cute, Carrie.
And I really do like you when you're sweaty.
But the truth is, I could never date any of my clients, because I am married to The Jim.
Sort of cliché, right? No, really, I am married to The Jim.
[SCOOTER WHIRRS] Oh, yeah, I I get it now.
Yeah, we're not open yet, but we're discussing it.
Okay, yeah, keep me posted.
- I will.
See you around.
- Thanks, Bailey.
Yeah, congratulations again! - She's a good trainer.
- Yeah, really? Fred! Carrie! BOTH: Mr.
Mayor! How did you like the marathon? - Loved it.
- You know what? Actually, it was pretty great.
And how about that shape? The route was the shape of a rose.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, we didn't we didn't notice that.
Yeah, we're in it, so we couldn't really see it.
- It was really good though.
- Yeah.
Um, so I'm, uh, I'm gonna be heading out.
All right.
I wanted to come and say good-bye to my two favorite Portlanders.
Great, yeah.
Back to the office? Yeah, yeah, in in a sense.
[STIRRING MUSIC] Carrie.
Oh, my sweet Fred.
[CHUCKLES] Mr.
Mayor! Call me Sean.
- Sean.
- Sean.
Sean.
Ugh.
All right.
You two be strong.
- Okay.
- All right.
There's no going back, you know.
Right or wrong, you can't go back.
- Where's he going? - I don't know.
- Sean? - Hey, Sean? Where you going? Sean? Is he not hearing Sean! Sean, where are you going? Sean! [SHIMMERING] Sean! Sean? Sam? Yes, Ms.
Mayor? Shall we begin? [WASHED OUT'S "FEEL I ALL AROUND" PLAYING] [DREAMY CHILLWAVE MUSIC]