Powerless (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

Van of the Year

1 Oh, my God.
It is such a beautiful day.
Oh, I didn't realize you could see the river from here.
[SIGHS] What's that up in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh, it's a little man.
Land dwellers, feel the wrath of the Sea Troll! [EXPLOSION BOOMS] You seriously can't tell the difference between a bird and a plane? [HEROIC MUSIC] As many of you know, Alma is retiring after 40 years here.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Yeah, Alma! There is no shortage to the anecdotes the wonderful anecdotes from that time Ahh! [LAUGHS] Anyway, here is a $25 gift card to Burrito Gigante.
- Ohh.
- That's about one burrito for every seven years you worked here.
One Gigante burrito.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE] ¡Olé! She's been here that long and that was her sendoff? - What, no dinner? No party? - If it helps, I stole a bunch of pills from her desk, but I could put them back.
That's a good start, Wendy, but this is - Unacceptable? - Yeah! And you're gonna do something about it? We've been working together for such a short time, and yet, you know me so well.
Van, I wanna talk to you about this whole Alma thing.
Oh, come on.
It was 20 years ago.
We were snowed in.
She taught me things.
BOTH: What? No, we need to give her a proper retirement party.
Just have Corporate throw down a little cash and we Let me stop you there.
You know what happens when you ask Corporate for money? They ask you, "What happened to the other money?" And then suddenly, all of your lavish sushi lunches turn into regular sushi lunches.
Have you ever had regular sushi? It's just okay.
Okay, come on.
We're supposed to be a family.
And we should look out for each other.
Which is it? We're a family or we look out for each other? So you're saying you don't wanna do something extra - for your oldest employee? - No.
- Oh.
- Look, I am trying to climb the corporate ladder.
I've already stepped on those rungs.
You do not get to Gotham by helping people below you.
That's why you suck up.
- This is - Unacceptable, I know.
Get out.
I wanna eat at Lavish Sushi today.
Jackie, what is wrong with Van? Raised by his nanny, doesn't read books, still quotes "Borat.
" Okay, a boss is supposed to care about his employees.
At my father's flower shop, any time someone celebrated an anniversary, he would give them a big gift and a cake.
Wow, I wish someone would give me a prize - for not killing myself.
- [SIGHS] Where I grew up, there was a sense of community, of the greater good.
Oh, my God.
You grew up in a cult.
- No, Kansas.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
At least the sex is good in a cult.
Let me do you a favor.
You're never gonna get far in life unless you look out for yourself.
No, that's not true.
My dream is to be the next Archibald Stylus.
He runs the Wayne Foundation and all they ever do is help people.
Yeah, he's also the dick who turned my corporate Christmas present into a donation in my name.
Your gift gave an impoverished woman a cell phone and a goat.
Screw her.
I want a bathrobe.
Hey, you know who wants a bathrobe? My wife! [LAUGHS] It is so forced.
He's not even married.
Ugh, I can't believe I have to retest these motion detectors.
When did Chinese orphans getting paid less than a dollar a day stop taking pride in their work? What the hell is that? Oh, it's for my grandma.
She met a guy online that lives in Metropolis.
Oh, you better watch out.
She might be getting catfished.
Oh, she's definitely getting catfished, because it's me.
What? It makes her happy.
Plus, I always avoid the sex questions.
Anyway, I mean, she has arthritis.
So it's hard for her to take selfies.
I control it with my brain.
It senses when I'm at my most confident so it always takes the perfect selfie.
Holy crap.
Ron, this is amazing.
You could do something really special with this.
I am.
I'm giving it to my grandma.
No, no, no.
You can't be serious.
Don't I look serious? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] [LAUGHS] Well, I hope the surprise is that someone found my blood pressure pills.
ALL: Happy retirement! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, is this for me? Of course.
It's the least we could do.
You are part of the family, Alma.
That's why we all chipped in and got you a gift.
- Did you? - I don't remember that.
- I don't have any money.
- I didn't put in no money.
It's heavier than it looks.
- Is it a retirement diamond? - [LAUGHS] I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not that.
Oh, yeah, well.
It's not, right? They are olives from the town in Italy that you grew up in.
Oh, I haven't had these since I was a kid.
Thank you, Emily.
Of course.
But it wasn't just me.
It was a group effort.
We all helped out.
I don't understand.
Why did you do this and not take credit? It's called caring for other people.
Don't tell me.
Is this stupid thing still happening? Oh, ha, there's that Van wit.
Looks like we're moving on to the roasting part of the retirement party.
- Get back to work! - Sorry.
Well, thank you everyone.
And I'll think of you all working away here when I'm holding my new grandbaby.
Land dwellers, prepare to taste the wrath of the sea! [SCREAMING] Oh.
Don't worry, everybody.
I'm I'm fine.
- Oh, whoa! - Aah! - Oh! - Oh, ah! - Ohh.
- Oh! Due to the Sea Troll's transmorphic beam, mm Alma's right arm was turned into a squid tentacle.
Now, because we care for her very much, the cafeteria has taken calamari off of the menu.
And we are passing around a card.
Evil spells, buried under rubble ah, sea monsters.
"Get Whale Soon.
" - Mm.
- Okay, this is BS.
Van used her as a human shield, and he's just giving her a card.
I hear Alama's gonna have to spend eight hours a day with her arm in a salt water aquarium.
We need to do something for her.
Like get her a castle? No.
I was thinking maybe something a little more.
Oh, like one of those little divers that makes bubbles? No, I was thinking of something a little less aquarium related.
I actually think she looks sexier with that arm.
She'd be huge in Japan.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Van, I am not leaving this room until you do right by Alma.
Absolutely! I want to give her a ton of money.
She's a hero.
Did you see how she flung herself in front of me to stop the Sea Troll's blast? Wow, I'm so glad you feel that way.
I'm gonna need verbal confirmation that that is what you saw.
What? You do not get to the top of the corporate ladder - by getting sued.
- Oh, my God.
So this is just you protecting your own ass? Are you wearing a wire? Legally, you have to tell me.
Okay, you know what? Just write me a check.
Then you'll keep quiet? - No, it's for Alma.
- Then she'll keep quiet? - Sure.
- Well played.
[QUIRKY MUSIC] There have been attacks across the city, as the Sea Troll continues his destructive search for Blackbeard's sword.
In unrelated news, the Natural History Museum is opening a special exhibit of pirate treasure this week.
I was up all night working.
And I turned this into this.
Tada! Streamlined it.
Made a few tweaks.
What do you think? Uh, I think Grandma's gonna lose this controller in the couch cushions.
That's not for Grandma.
I made you a market-ready prototype - so you can sell this.
- Hey, hold up.
I told you I wasn't interested.
But you could make a fortune.
You can finally get out of this place.
Why would I wanna do that? Oh, I don't know.
So you're not stuck here for 40 years with nothing to show for it but a jar of olives? Hey, I love olives.
And Teddy, I think you might be projecting your fears onto me.
There's no projection.
- I've been here the next longest after Alma.
- Really? Man, you are very well preserved.
- You don't even look like you hit puberty.
- Thank you.
Wait Ron, I want you to become rich and famous so you can come back and get me out of here and save me from the death olives.
I don't know what that means.
Look, Ron, has it ever occurred to you that this relentless contentment that you feel is really just deep, deep, deep denial of your dream? No, I'm gonna have to deny that.
- Whoa.
- See? Everyone wants something.
I mean, I guess I've always wanted to climb Everest.
[BEEPING, WHIRRING] And with this invention, you can make enough money to pay for a bunch of people that look like me to drag you to the top.
Well, maybe I have gotten complacent.
You know what? I'm in.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] [LAUGHS] Whoo! Look at those handsome men.
- I can see why your grandma's into you.
- Oh, yeah.
Ooh, where did this treasure trove of treats come from? Well, Van wrote a check because he didn't wanna get sued.
Then I got Wayne Security to provide matching funds.
I wish I'd been in an emotionally scarring and horrific accident.
- I know, right? - Yeah.
Oh, my God! You guys, you shouldn't have! Yes, they got you a "Get Well Alma" banner.
- Oh.
- Oh! Poor, old, sweet, heroic Alma.
You know, she threw herself right in front of me.
Yes, you have firmly established your alibi, sir.
Wow, this is a impressive, glittering pile of crap.
- Well done, Emily.
- Well, it wasn't just me.
It was a team effort.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] [QUIRKY MUSIC] Oh, my God, there she is.
She smells like day-old fish sticks.
Hey, Alma! Looking good.
Oh I don't know how to thank you guys.
We'd love to get a quick photo.
The Gotham office was very impressed with this display of generosity.
You're with the Gotham office.
Which floor? - 96.
- Oh! That's where the fruit is cut fresh every day.
Yep, so who's responsible for this? Well, really, it was team effort.
Yeah, and I am the leader of that team.
I'm Vanderveer Wayne.
Nice to meet you.
Generous fella and fruit lover.
- Well, let's get a photo.
- Yes, great! Let's get it with you.
Now, don't crowd Alma! For get out of the Please, look at her.
She's malformed.
Let's do a handshake.
- Oh, okay.
- [GAGS] - There we go.
- He just took all the credit for everything you did.
Even with your "Sound of Music" upbringing, that has to bother you.
Look, I didn't do it for the credit.
Look how happy Alma is.
That's why I did this.
- There we are.
- Excuse me.
Is this Wayne Security? Oh, my God.
You're Archibald Stylus.
You owe me a bathrobe.
- Archibald.
- Whoa.
This is Vanderveer Wayne.
He's responsible for all of this.
Ah, I was so touched by your amazing outpouring of generosity that the Wayne Foundation is honoring you with the key to the city.
Do I have to do anything? [CHUCKLES] Just come to our awards gala.
Ah, maybe let me take you out to lunch.
Yes for the first one.
- No to the second one.
- [LAUGHS] Generous and a great sense of humor.
I can see why that woman took a bullet for you.
And she did so quite willingly.
- BOTH: Mm.
- Quite willingly.
Yes, of course.
Emily, isn't that your personal hero? - Yep.
- The man you dream of working for? - Yes.
- Right here, showering Van with praise for something you did? - Yes.
- Well it's a good thing that you don't care about credit, because otherwise this would really bother you.
Hey, did everybody see the newsletter? I mean, it's silly, really.
It's just a pamphlet with my face on it that every person in the company sees.
Yeah, right before they spit out their gum in it.
Yeah, a lot of very important people chew gum, Emily.
And they're the key to the fruit floor.
Jackie, I want it framed and put in the lobby.
I will hang it right next to the picture of you meeting Vin Diesel in the Dallas airport, sir.
I'm still surprised that our similarity of names didn't lead to more of a conversation.
Ooh, did you see? I even made the crossword.
Look, ten down, ten down.
"Large multi-person vehicle.
" Three letters.
It's bus.
"Vanana" is not a fruit.
Oh, Emily, I think you might have a blood sugar problem.
Jackie, could you get us both a couple of "vanana" smoothies? Did it ever occur to you that a lot of people in this office chipped in for Alma and maybe they'd like Corporate to know? - She's talking about herself.
- Mm.
No, I am not.
I have always said the only applause a truly good person needs is the beating of their own heart.
Wow, what an odd thing for someone to have always said.
Everyone in this office chipped in.
I mean, Wendy made a basket.
Okay, I think I know what you little piggies are rooting around for.
Yes, I can get you a table to the gala.
No, Van.
That is not good enough.
Is there free food and booze? God, I sometimes forget how poor you people are.
- Yes, there will be.
- Uh! Okay, I think we have a little more respect - for ourselves - We're in! - Oink, oink, oink, oink.
- [IMITATING ROBOT] [LIGHT STRING MUSIC] Open bar? Sounds like a challenge, mmm.
Who are all the squares in the VIP section? Oh, just the greatest philanthropists in the world.
- More like philathro-stiffs.
- [SIGHS] - Admit it, this is killing you.
- Not at all.
The important thing is, we helped what's-her-face with the squid thing.
[CRUNCHING, CRACKING] You just ate a toothpick.
This room is full of the most successful businessmen in Charm City.
We're gonna pitch them your drone.
Or we can figure out which door these tiny burgers are coming from and cut them off at the pass.
Ron, okay, I know you're nervous.
But I had this dream that one day I come to work - and you're not in your cubical.
- Am I in the bathroom? - No, you just got up and left.
- Oh, no, that seems out of character for me.
Okay, fine.
You gave two weeks notice, we had a cake, it was emotional, I cried.
Now stop stalling.
I have a perfect opener.
Excuse me? Could we have a moment of your time to pitch you an idea? - Sure.
- Eh? So, this drone, it reads your brain's electrical impulses so it can sense both your mood and attitude uh, to take the perfect selfie, as it will read my confidence.
That's amazing.
If that really works, I will write you a check right now that will change your entire life.
My entire life? Uh, that's a lot of my life to change.
I mean, that must be a very big check.
[QUIRKY MUSIC] I'ma just head over to the tiny burger door.
[LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY] And now, the Wayne Foundation's unsung hero, - Mr.
Vanderveer Wayne.
- [APPLAUSE] Friends and colleagues, I believe co-workers should stick together harder than Alma's disgusting calamari arm would wrap around the neck of a seal, dragging it to the depths to drown it.
- Because I care about people.
- [APPLAUSE] Can you believe people are buying this crap? Now, there's someone who deserves to share this key with me, and not just because I found out it really doesn't open anything.
I mean, nothing! Nothing.
But without her, none of this would be possible.
Now, she thinks I've forgotten her, but I haven't.
[LAUGHS] Why don't you just come up on stage, here? [LAUGHS] Van, that is so sweet, but I didn't do it for the recognition.
That's great because I wasn't talking about you.
Ehh! I was talking about Alma, the one who saved my life.
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my life! - [LAUGHS] Whoo! Oh! Oh, sorry sweetie.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, my.
Some people, huh? Am I right? Don't, you know listen, I know you can't clap anymore 'cause of that disgusting calamari arm, but I have always said that the only applause a good person needs is the sound of the beating of one's own heart.
Van, that is the most beautiful and personal description of giving I've ever heard.
Hey, that is my line! Me! I did all of this! It was all me! Okay, that [BLEEP] piece of [BLEEP] only got off his ass when he was afraid he'd get sued! I mean, he used her as a human [BLEEP] shield! [CROWD MURMURING] But really, it's all about Alma, right? [CRASHING] [ALL EXCLAIM] Everyone, take cover! - It's the Sea Troll! - Oh, thank God.
- Unbelievable! - A super villain attacking the gala at a natural history museum? - [EVIL LAUGHING] - [MACHINERY POWERING UP] - Ah! - [ELECTRICITY SURGING] - Oh how nice.
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING] Everybody surrender to the Sea Troll.
[SCREAMS] Come on, hide! All we want is .
And your valuables.
I don't think by valuables they mean your BFF necklace from Claire's.
[SIGHS] I feel really ashamed of my behavior.
I've done far worse.
I once bet my dentist $20 that he didn't have the balls to shoot a lion on safari.
He did.
He did.
Look, if you wanted credit, you should've just taken it.
No, but that's wrong.
A good person shouldn't need credit.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? Why do you think that Superman has that big S on his chest? Do you think that Batman puts that bat logo on his boomerangs 'cause it helps them fly? No.
They wanna brand themselves so that people know who it is to advance their careers.
Crimson Fox is here to save you.
Case in point.
Look, if you wanna run the Wayne Foundation, you had better step into the spotlight.
Do you think that Beyoncé would be selling our arenas if she had remained one of Destiny's Children? Maybe you're right.
And I don't wanna end up like what's-her-face or the other one.
There you go.
You want credit for the things you do and that's okay.
I took credit for something I had nothing to do with.
- That's okay, too.
- No, actually, it's not.
- Oh, yeah.
- [GRUNTING] So it has a few glitches, all right? We'll work on it together - and we'll get them next time.
- Will you stop it? Just stop it, Teddy.
I lied to you.
I don't wanna climb Everest, and the drone knew it.
Well, why didn't you just tell me that? Well, it seemed to make you so unhappy to think I was happy.
So I pretended to be unhappy to make you happy because seeing you happy makes me happy.
Oh, my God.
I can't take it.
I'm over here, Sea Troll.
I have your sword.
Take me! I mean, sure, there's times at work where I'm frustrated or bored.
I mean, I'm not a robot.
HR tests for that.
- Yeah.
- But I don't mind.
'Cause I get to work with you.
Wow, Ron.
You are such a weirdo.
Bring it in.
[POIGNANT MUSIC] Kathy, I heard about your hysterectomy.
Congratulations! Wow.
Van, what was that? You inspired me.
I realized that they threw an entire gala for me because they thought that I cared about someone.
Can you imagine what I could get if I pretended to care about a lot of these people? - That's that's not exactly - Just take the win.
Hey, Ryan! I love the new perm.
So it seems all that press you embarrassed yourself in front of actually caught something else.
"Unsung Hero Saves Philanthropist Vanderveer Wayne.
" Are you gonna tell the paper it was you? Well, maybe I will.
Doesn't make me a bad person to want credit.
Oh, hey, Jackie.
Thanks so much for driving me to the doctor every day last week.
Don't mention it.
Okay, I know you can't hear it, but my heart is applauding you.
Stop it, or I'll cut it out of you.
- Gimme a hug! - No.
Oh, come [UPBEAT MUSIC] Ah.
That's funny.