Pramface (2012) s03e01 Episode Script
I'm Excited Too!
1 Everything sucks! It's not fair, There's only three payments left! - They can't take it if you're laying on it! - I'm sacking you.
- Well Bloody hell! Are you trying to have sex with me? Not immediately! Steven's sending me out to New York.
What? If you get on that plane, our marriage is over.
We didn't, did we? Judging by the evidence, I'd say we probably got freaky.
What the hell do you mean you're not sure? Well, it's not that I'm not into him.
It's just since we got together he is so into me.
Oh, my God, it's like watching someone torture a puppy! You need to stop messing him around! Yeah, I guess you're right.
For his sake.
For my sake! I am so sick of hearing about it.
Just make up your mind.
In, or out.
Well, I don't want OUT out.
I just don't want to get in any deeper right now.
Fine.
Just tell him that.
OK, I will.
But actually do.
Don't just make those non-committal noises you always make when you're trying to duck the issue.
All right.
I'll talk to him.
But I'm not You're doing it! Those are the noises! And that is the face you always pull! For God's sake, just make a decision and commit to it.
But I'm saying I don't want to commit.
So say that.
With commitment.
Well, when did this arrive? What's going on? Nothing.
We're being kicked out of our home.
Wh? Your father is sitting on the eviction notice.
Bloody hell! Don't worry, Jamie.
Me and your dad will work something out.
Well, probably just me.
Listen, if we're struggling, I want to contribute, too.
I want you to use my college fund.
Aww, thanks, son.
That's a really noble gesture.
I want to help.
The thing is, we burnt through that months ago.
I'm so sorry, love.
But it'll be OK.
We are not about to let a lousy eviction notice beat us.
No.
We will leave of our own accord.
What? I'm going to ring work and ask for some overtime.
And your dad will use his considerable free time to find us somewhere new to live.
I can't believe you spent my college fund! Yep Where the hell are my car keys? I've no idea.
If you talk to your mother can you ask her where she put the bloody spares? Or even actually just a steer, so I can narrow my search to a more manageable number of handbags.
Don't suppose you've heard from her at all? Not recently, no.
When is she coming back? I haven't a clue.
You know, you could call her.
I'm not calling her! Oh, I wish you two would just get over it.
You just had a row.
I had a row, she escalated it into an international incident.
Well, maybe I'll be the UN, I'll call her.
Do.
And tell her if she doesn't come back soon she may as well not bother.
What a lovely surprise for Daddy, hey? And he can see if those teeth are coming through yet.
Are they coming through? Are they? Let me have a look.
Are they? Ow! Yeah, they are! Yeah I thought we might have a chat.
Oh, God, yes, we need to talk.
Great, OK.
I don't want you to worry, it's going to be fine.
OK.
What's going to be fine? My parents got an eviction notice this morning.
We've lost the house! That doesn't sound fine! I know, but I don't want you to worry.
We'll manage.
Right.
Yeah.
And actually, it's given me this unbelievable focus and determination.
Really? SQUEAKY: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just like .
.
bring it on! I'm stepping up.
I can take on anything Are youcrying? No.
Oh, Laura I don't know what I would do without you and Emily.
Ahhoh You're the only thing that's solid in my life right now.
OhhhwellI Shhhh You don't have to say anything.
I know you're there for me.
Solid as a rock.
SHE WHIMPERS OK, so, remember to push the specials and the coffee loyalty scheme.
15 coffees and the 16th one is free.
Oh, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to see the 16th one's costing you over £30.
Wellthat's kinda how promotions work, though, Beth.
If we just gave away free coffee, we wouldn't make any money, would we? Hmm, but we'd have happy customers.
Especially if we switched to fair-trade and stopped exploiting labour in the developing world.
OK, great.
Um, well, how about you um, save up all your tips and then you can open your own cafe and give away as much free fair-trade coffee as you want until you go completely bankrupt? How about that? In the meantime perhaps you could actually start serving some customers.
Hello, my name's Beth.
Can I tell you about the breakfast specials? Yes, you can! What the hell are you doing here? I'm sorry I haven't been in touch.
It's just the way I roll.
You've called me 15 times.
Must've sat on my phone.
And left 15 messages? Look, who called who isn't important.
I'm here now.
So, er, we can pick up where we left off.
No, we can't! Because nothing happened.
Oh, Beth.
You don't need to play hard to get now.
Ugh! Can't you see, you had me at breakfast specials.
If you ever ever mention that night to anyone, I will see to it that you are physically unable to ever repeat the experience, got it? Mmmm! Ow! Got it! And those are the breakfast specials.
OK, I will have the cappuccino, please, with chocolate sprinkles and a little heart in the milk.
Unlikely.
Um, Beth, have we told our customer here about the coffee loyalty scheme? No, we haven't.
Silly us.
Um, if you buy 15 coffees you get the 16th one free.
Free? That's brilliant! All right, I will have two coffees, please, in one cup.
Counts as one.
OK, separate cups, then.
And two for my friend.
What friend? Not a word! What? Jamie doesn't count! He's my best friend, we share everything.
To anyone! OK, I won't tell him.
But if he asks me about it I am not going to lie.
So, usually when we're maximising value for money, we ask our clients to prioritise three key elements - location, size or condition.
Size.
Location and condition! Oh, no, condition's no problem.
I could always do it up.
On second thoughts condition, condition, condition! So which of the key elements are we prioritising here? Oh, believe it or not, it's a very sought-after spot.
SIREN WAILS Shall we Shall we look inside? Stop! Police! Er, yes quickly, inside, inside, go, go, go.
He's heading up Masons Alley towards North Street! As you can see, it's got bags of character, er, plenty of room for development.
The last owner clearly had quite strong tastes.
Quite a strong smell.
Ergh Is that where they found her? Er, yes.
Yes, that's correct.
Right FLIES BUZZ Oh, if you look here, er, there's the original fireplace.
Oh! That's, er TRAIN ROARS PAS HE YELLS: It's convenient for transport links! What? CONVENIENT FOR TRANSPORT LINKS! And this one comes with an en-suite! Oh, sweet Jesus! 'One second, Laura.
'Hunter, make sure we get the amendments for those contracts ASAP.
' MAN WITH AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Sure, no problem.
' 'Darling, how lovely to see you! I am missing you so much.
' Oh, me too.
'But I do have a meeting so be quick!' Oh.
Why are you still there? I thought you would be back by now.
'Well, my assignment here is sort of open-ended.
'Didn't your father tell you?' No! What is going on with you two? 'Darling, he issued me with an ultimatum! 'I do not appreciate being pushed around.
'He needs to be a little bit more understanding of my career.
' Why can't you tell him that? 'Oh, there's no point, he's clearly sulking.
' He's not sulking.
I think he's really upset.
'Oh, he's sticking with it, is he? Well, fine, if he wants a divorce, 'he'd better get ready to hand over 50% of everything' Divorce? No, who said anything about divorce? 'Janet, your driver's here.
And I've confirmed your reservation for Caprinis for 12:30.
' 'Thank you, Hunter.
Darling, I'd really better go.
'Tell him he is ruining me.
' Mum, you can't just use me as a 'Bye, darling.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Bye-bye!' It's quite a busy road.
Yeah, but look at it.
It's great! And it's got a garage! Hey, this feels more like it.
Oh, er, we're not seeing the house first? This IS the houseisn't it? It is somewhat bijoux, but it is officially classed as a separate dwelling! So, terribly easy to maintain, as you can see.
A real blank canvas.
If you were to just Ollie! Maybe a bit less of the "bijoux" bollocks and a bit more calling a spade a spade.
Well, I guess it is pretty small Bloody small, actually! Minuscule! Bloody fucking tiny! I think perhaps, with some extra overtime, we could afford to aim just a little bit higher.
Ah, um, I've already had to double your budget just to get us on the map.
I'll leave you to get a feel for the place.
Look at us.
I've let everyone down.
We can't even afford a bloody garage! Of course we can! Just not a garage in such a respectable area.
It's the end of the road, San, we've got nowhere to go.
Keith, I grew up in a shitey little hovel that stunk like a cow's arse, with me Ma, and Da and Evelyn.
And you know what? I realised, life is not about where you are.
It's about who you're with! You told me you couldn't wait to get away from 'em! Exactly! I was fine with the cow's arse stink.
It was me bloody family I couldn't stand! What I'm trying to say is, I don't need luxury, or charming original features, because any home is perfect, as long as I'm with the man I love.
Huh? You and me, Jamie, Emily, we are a family.
And we keep our home right here! In our fists.
In our hearts, Keith.
Hearts? Hearts.
Excuse me? She's just being so understanding and supportive.
It's like there's no secrets or agendas any more! Yeah, I know exactly what you mean! You've known someone for ages and then suddenly, you just have this new, special connection.
Where shall I stamp this? Right here.
Only five more and I get one free! Excuse me! I'm busy! It's good that you can have such a supportive, honest relationship.
Excuse me! What?! Sorry, I ordered a coffee.
What?! Happy? Oi! Don't think you're taking my loyalty points for that coffee! PHONE RINGS PHONE BLEEPS That was him, wasn't it? No.
All right, I know, I know.
The longer you leave it the worse it'll get.
It's just, it's hard! I've got a lot going on at the moment with Mum and Dad.
They're talking divorce now.
Oh, you hear that, Em? Two broken homes, how cool are you? Oh, for f! Dan! Jamie and I do not constitute a broken home! My parents just need to bloody talk to each other! Hmm, they're not the only ones.
Oh, all right, I know.
I'm going to talk to him! When the time is right.
This one is so comfy, you won't want to get out of it.
I've got one and my husband stays in it snoring until the middle of the day! PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me.
Keith, I can't talk, I'm busy.
'Sandra, the search is over.
' I've found us a home.
No way! What's it like? It's perfect.
Detached.
Two-bedroom, family home.
Front and back gardens, all mod-cons, fitted kitchen, set in acres of lovely parkland.
Sounds too perfect, Keith.
We can't afford that! Yes, we can, cos I drove a hard bargain.
OK but if this place is full of dead bodies I am not interested.
Oh, no.
It's fine, relax.
Hello.
Oliver Courtland.
Right Ah, oh, your wife called? Asked me to value the house.
Urgently.
My wife is in New York.
Why on earth would she want the house valued? Oh! God! You weren't aware of this? No, I bloody wasn't.
Were you? I didn't think she meant it.
She just said if it came to divorce Divorce! If she wants a divorce she can have one.
If! She said if! Perhaps I should come back at a convenient time? Stay right there.
Oh, absolutely.
And what's more, you're telling my wife that not only am I having the house valued, I am putting it on the market.
Today.
You can't just sell the house to get back at her! It's not monopoly.
It'll be way too big once it's just us.
Ignore him - this house is not up for sale.
My parents just need to talk to each other! I've tried talking.
She's the one who's decided to communicate through the medium of a property salesman! Look, come on.
Put it in the window.
Today.
Priced to sell.
If you're hungry you only had to ask.
We are calling Mum.
Now.
Oh, no, I really don't want to talk.
And besides, it's not a good time.
It is a great time.
Hi, Mum.
'Darling, are you all right? What's happened?' Dad wants to talk to you.
Now.
'If your father wishes to apologise, he can schedule a time with my PA in the morning.
' Tell your mother to send a letter to my solicitor.
Or get her PA to.
You're both behaving like children! I'm not, she is! ' "Oh, I'm not, she is!" ' Oh, can't you see that there is more at stake here? Don't you care about me and Emily? Of course we do.
'Darling, you know I love you both very much! 'It's only your father I can't stand.
' You're both just being stupid and proud and angry, but somewhere, deep down, there's still some love there.
And besides, Dad's been miserable.
And, Mum, I know you miss him! 'Oh, darling, it's four in the morning, 'I really do need to get some sleep.
' Look, Janet, wait, Laura is right.
We shouldn't just pretend we don't care while our marriage falls apart.
I'll call the estate agent, get him to take the house off the market.
'You put the house on the market?' Well, you were getting the house valued! Losing focus a little bit here, Dad.
OK.
I am willing to give it another goif you are.
'Alan, I' 'Baby, did I oversleep?' Who the hell is that? 'Er, well, actually, just Just my PA, Hunter.
' He's not your PA, he's your boyfriend! 'No, not necessarily.
'Well, all right, I am seeing him, but he is my PA.
' Utter bitch! 'Don't be such a hypocrite!' How am I a hypocrite? 'You blame me for having your affair, 'and now you're blaming me for mine.
Make your mind up! 'Are you coming for a shower, Janet?' 'Er, a little bit busy right now!' 'This really isn't my fault.
Your father had the choice 'of being in that shower with me and he decided not to take it.
' Right, that's it.
Forget everything I said, this marriage is officially over! Just a few more steps, and .
.
surprise! Oh, no.
No! No! I mean, it needs a bit of work but it's It's fully functional, it's all plumbed in, electrics.
I'm not living in a campsite! No.
It's a static caravan park.
And a campsite.
There's a campsite attached.
No! No! No! "I don't need luxury," you said.
"As long as I'm with the man I love, Keith.
" Yeah, well, I've had second thoughts and that's a load of bollocks.
I want a house! Bricks and mortar.
Not plywood and plastic laminate! Oh, come on, at least come and have a look at it.
I'm not living in a caravan.
Take me home, Keith.
Um Actually, this is our home.
I had to put a deposit down.
Stop anyone else from snapping it up! Come on, San, it's got a little runway and everything! Raahhhh! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Good times! Listen, I've got something to tell you but I don't want Beth to know.
That's amazing! I know exactly how you feel! No, you don't, I haven't even told you yet.
I do! I really do! Mike, you're shaking! Are you sure you should be drinking this much coffee? Yeah! This is number 15.
Next one's free! OK, listen.
I haven't even told Laura this yet, but I've dropped out of school.
I'm going to get a job.
That's amazing! I should join ya! Sh, Beth's coming.
What's going on? Hmm? Nothing.
We were just discussing.
school! He's told you, hasn't he? Told me what? I'm not stupid, you know! I saw you high-fiving it like the pathetic, immature arsehole that you are! SHE YELLS: OK, OK, so we slept together, so what?! Oh, thank God! Finally! So he hadn't told you? No.
I've been dying to tell you! But understandably I think Beth wanted to take the glory.
Congratulations? Thank you! Please, just go! Just leave me Actually, Beth, I think I'm going to celebrate! With a free coffee.
I think you owe me? I don't owe you ANYTHING! Um, Beth.
What, um, what's the problem here? Did he order the meat feast? No.
He just completed his loyalty card.
Great! Well, get the man his coffee, then.
Ah! That's the ticket.
Right, here we are - home, sweet home! Great.
Hey Oh! All right? Sorry, I'll just, er So, yeah, we've got the Got the lounge area, vintage furniture So, what d'ya think? It's pretty small Yeah, but ya know You seen the view? Phwoooar! Oh, yeah.
Plenty of space OUTSIDE.
Yeah, it's cosy.
And there's no problem keeping warm either cos of the, er No, I'd actually stay away from the fire, it does need a bit of attention.
Your father's burnt himself twice on it already.
Whoa! It's OK! Don't worry, there is a bit of a tilt! I do need to look at the blocks.
Sandra, you've got to stay on that side when we're on this side.
How the hell am I supposed to make a cup of tea?! Ahh, all right, hold on.
Do you want me to? No, no, you just It's fine, just as long as there's twoand one.
What's that? Ah, that's your new bedroom! There's actually only one bedroom.
But there's hooks for your stuff and a little portable fold-out table and cushion so you can do your homework in the toilet.
The best seat in the house! Actually, I think my homework days are over I know it's hard, son, but we all have to make adjustments.
Yeah, do you know what, we actually might become quite attached to this place.
No, we won't! We'll be out of here as soon as your father finds a job! Oh, well, I'm going to be getting a job as well.
I've decided I need to start behaving like a responsible adult.
So .
.
I've dropped out of school.
I Yeah, now, Jamie, I think I think you're a bit too young to start behaving like a responsible adult.
I'm 18! How are you going to get a decent job without proper qualifications? You'll end up at the bottom of the pile! Like your father! Hey! Just hang on! Qualifications aren't everything, you know.
You don't learn common sense at university! Can you both stop talking to me like I'm a kid? We just want what's best for you, son.
I don't think either of you have done such a good job of things, that you're especially qualified to tell me how to provide for my future! And when she had finally awoken from her long sleep, the princess just needed a bit of space to get her life back together.
So the handsome prince agreed to just back off for a bit COMPUTER BLEEPS Oh.
Sh, sh.
'Laura, I'm so glad I got hold of you.
' Couldn't you have got your PA to schedule a call? 'Darling.
I know you're angry with me 'but I do not want you to become a pawn in our battle.
'So tell your father I'm getting you a flat, 'so you don't have to live with him.
' A flat? 'Then you and Emily can move on with your lives.
'And I've got somewhere to stay when I pop back for a visit!' A visit? You're not coming back? 'All a bit up in the air at the moment 'But honestly, darling, 'you do not want to live with your father in a confined space.
'I tried it in the early '90s and it nearly killed me.
' Oh, hey! Jamie! Visitors! Sh, sorry! Hiya.
Hi.
Here, let me take that.
No, maybe I should leave this outside.
No, no.
It's fine, honestly.
The caravan's not as small as it looks.
Jamie, um, can we Can we talk? Ohhh I'll just, um Here.
Oh, thanks.
Oh! Oh.
Don't worry, I'm here for you now.
Oh, yeah, it's just It's really, with everything that's going on at the moment with me, it's very It's very confusing and, um claustrophobic.
Tell me about it! Hm, yeah.
Um, I think I just really need some space.
With Emily.
Just to think about where we're going in our lives.
Of course, I understand.
My mum has, um, offered to get us a flat.
Wow! I don't know yet.
It's a big step.
It's all happening so suddenly.
I know.
But, yes! Yes? Yes! I mean, if you think about it, it couldn't have come at a better time! Let's go for it! Let's move in together! Er.
.
Oh, I didn't No! And the great news is I've dropped out of school so I can start earning for all of us! Ohthat's.
You dropped out?! Oh, Laura! I'm going to be YOUR rock now! Oh I I know, I know.
I'm excited, too! We're going to be so happy! Ohhh Does Jamie think you're moving in with him? No! Well, yeah but I'll set him straight.
You've got a job? Bit of decorating.
You interested? Yeah! Are you sellin' ice cream? Lobster! Are you going on a date? Hmm.
But you're married! Only to your mother! You like that.
Don't you?
- Well Bloody hell! Are you trying to have sex with me? Not immediately! Steven's sending me out to New York.
What? If you get on that plane, our marriage is over.
We didn't, did we? Judging by the evidence, I'd say we probably got freaky.
What the hell do you mean you're not sure? Well, it's not that I'm not into him.
It's just since we got together he is so into me.
Oh, my God, it's like watching someone torture a puppy! You need to stop messing him around! Yeah, I guess you're right.
For his sake.
For my sake! I am so sick of hearing about it.
Just make up your mind.
In, or out.
Well, I don't want OUT out.
I just don't want to get in any deeper right now.
Fine.
Just tell him that.
OK, I will.
But actually do.
Don't just make those non-committal noises you always make when you're trying to duck the issue.
All right.
I'll talk to him.
But I'm not You're doing it! Those are the noises! And that is the face you always pull! For God's sake, just make a decision and commit to it.
But I'm saying I don't want to commit.
So say that.
With commitment.
Well, when did this arrive? What's going on? Nothing.
We're being kicked out of our home.
Wh? Your father is sitting on the eviction notice.
Bloody hell! Don't worry, Jamie.
Me and your dad will work something out.
Well, probably just me.
Listen, if we're struggling, I want to contribute, too.
I want you to use my college fund.
Aww, thanks, son.
That's a really noble gesture.
I want to help.
The thing is, we burnt through that months ago.
I'm so sorry, love.
But it'll be OK.
We are not about to let a lousy eviction notice beat us.
No.
We will leave of our own accord.
What? I'm going to ring work and ask for some overtime.
And your dad will use his considerable free time to find us somewhere new to live.
I can't believe you spent my college fund! Yep Where the hell are my car keys? I've no idea.
If you talk to your mother can you ask her where she put the bloody spares? Or even actually just a steer, so I can narrow my search to a more manageable number of handbags.
Don't suppose you've heard from her at all? Not recently, no.
When is she coming back? I haven't a clue.
You know, you could call her.
I'm not calling her! Oh, I wish you two would just get over it.
You just had a row.
I had a row, she escalated it into an international incident.
Well, maybe I'll be the UN, I'll call her.
Do.
And tell her if she doesn't come back soon she may as well not bother.
What a lovely surprise for Daddy, hey? And he can see if those teeth are coming through yet.
Are they coming through? Are they? Let me have a look.
Are they? Ow! Yeah, they are! Yeah I thought we might have a chat.
Oh, God, yes, we need to talk.
Great, OK.
I don't want you to worry, it's going to be fine.
OK.
What's going to be fine? My parents got an eviction notice this morning.
We've lost the house! That doesn't sound fine! I know, but I don't want you to worry.
We'll manage.
Right.
Yeah.
And actually, it's given me this unbelievable focus and determination.
Really? SQUEAKY: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just like .
.
bring it on! I'm stepping up.
I can take on anything Are youcrying? No.
Oh, Laura I don't know what I would do without you and Emily.
Ahhoh You're the only thing that's solid in my life right now.
OhhhwellI Shhhh You don't have to say anything.
I know you're there for me.
Solid as a rock.
SHE WHIMPERS OK, so, remember to push the specials and the coffee loyalty scheme.
15 coffees and the 16th one is free.
Oh, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to see the 16th one's costing you over £30.
Wellthat's kinda how promotions work, though, Beth.
If we just gave away free coffee, we wouldn't make any money, would we? Hmm, but we'd have happy customers.
Especially if we switched to fair-trade and stopped exploiting labour in the developing world.
OK, great.
Um, well, how about you um, save up all your tips and then you can open your own cafe and give away as much free fair-trade coffee as you want until you go completely bankrupt? How about that? In the meantime perhaps you could actually start serving some customers.
Hello, my name's Beth.
Can I tell you about the breakfast specials? Yes, you can! What the hell are you doing here? I'm sorry I haven't been in touch.
It's just the way I roll.
You've called me 15 times.
Must've sat on my phone.
And left 15 messages? Look, who called who isn't important.
I'm here now.
So, er, we can pick up where we left off.
No, we can't! Because nothing happened.
Oh, Beth.
You don't need to play hard to get now.
Ugh! Can't you see, you had me at breakfast specials.
If you ever ever mention that night to anyone, I will see to it that you are physically unable to ever repeat the experience, got it? Mmmm! Ow! Got it! And those are the breakfast specials.
OK, I will have the cappuccino, please, with chocolate sprinkles and a little heart in the milk.
Unlikely.
Um, Beth, have we told our customer here about the coffee loyalty scheme? No, we haven't.
Silly us.
Um, if you buy 15 coffees you get the 16th one free.
Free? That's brilliant! All right, I will have two coffees, please, in one cup.
Counts as one.
OK, separate cups, then.
And two for my friend.
What friend? Not a word! What? Jamie doesn't count! He's my best friend, we share everything.
To anyone! OK, I won't tell him.
But if he asks me about it I am not going to lie.
So, usually when we're maximising value for money, we ask our clients to prioritise three key elements - location, size or condition.
Size.
Location and condition! Oh, no, condition's no problem.
I could always do it up.
On second thoughts condition, condition, condition! So which of the key elements are we prioritising here? Oh, believe it or not, it's a very sought-after spot.
SIREN WAILS Shall we Shall we look inside? Stop! Police! Er, yes quickly, inside, inside, go, go, go.
He's heading up Masons Alley towards North Street! As you can see, it's got bags of character, er, plenty of room for development.
The last owner clearly had quite strong tastes.
Quite a strong smell.
Ergh Is that where they found her? Er, yes.
Yes, that's correct.
Right FLIES BUZZ Oh, if you look here, er, there's the original fireplace.
Oh! That's, er TRAIN ROARS PAS HE YELLS: It's convenient for transport links! What? CONVENIENT FOR TRANSPORT LINKS! And this one comes with an en-suite! Oh, sweet Jesus! 'One second, Laura.
'Hunter, make sure we get the amendments for those contracts ASAP.
' MAN WITH AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Sure, no problem.
' 'Darling, how lovely to see you! I am missing you so much.
' Oh, me too.
'But I do have a meeting so be quick!' Oh.
Why are you still there? I thought you would be back by now.
'Well, my assignment here is sort of open-ended.
'Didn't your father tell you?' No! What is going on with you two? 'Darling, he issued me with an ultimatum! 'I do not appreciate being pushed around.
'He needs to be a little bit more understanding of my career.
' Why can't you tell him that? 'Oh, there's no point, he's clearly sulking.
' He's not sulking.
I think he's really upset.
'Oh, he's sticking with it, is he? Well, fine, if he wants a divorce, 'he'd better get ready to hand over 50% of everything' Divorce? No, who said anything about divorce? 'Janet, your driver's here.
And I've confirmed your reservation for Caprinis for 12:30.
' 'Thank you, Hunter.
Darling, I'd really better go.
'Tell him he is ruining me.
' Mum, you can't just use me as a 'Bye, darling.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Bye-bye!' It's quite a busy road.
Yeah, but look at it.
It's great! And it's got a garage! Hey, this feels more like it.
Oh, er, we're not seeing the house first? This IS the houseisn't it? It is somewhat bijoux, but it is officially classed as a separate dwelling! So, terribly easy to maintain, as you can see.
A real blank canvas.
If you were to just Ollie! Maybe a bit less of the "bijoux" bollocks and a bit more calling a spade a spade.
Well, I guess it is pretty small Bloody small, actually! Minuscule! Bloody fucking tiny! I think perhaps, with some extra overtime, we could afford to aim just a little bit higher.
Ah, um, I've already had to double your budget just to get us on the map.
I'll leave you to get a feel for the place.
Look at us.
I've let everyone down.
We can't even afford a bloody garage! Of course we can! Just not a garage in such a respectable area.
It's the end of the road, San, we've got nowhere to go.
Keith, I grew up in a shitey little hovel that stunk like a cow's arse, with me Ma, and Da and Evelyn.
And you know what? I realised, life is not about where you are.
It's about who you're with! You told me you couldn't wait to get away from 'em! Exactly! I was fine with the cow's arse stink.
It was me bloody family I couldn't stand! What I'm trying to say is, I don't need luxury, or charming original features, because any home is perfect, as long as I'm with the man I love.
Huh? You and me, Jamie, Emily, we are a family.
And we keep our home right here! In our fists.
In our hearts, Keith.
Hearts? Hearts.
Excuse me? She's just being so understanding and supportive.
It's like there's no secrets or agendas any more! Yeah, I know exactly what you mean! You've known someone for ages and then suddenly, you just have this new, special connection.
Where shall I stamp this? Right here.
Only five more and I get one free! Excuse me! I'm busy! It's good that you can have such a supportive, honest relationship.
Excuse me! What?! Sorry, I ordered a coffee.
What?! Happy? Oi! Don't think you're taking my loyalty points for that coffee! PHONE RINGS PHONE BLEEPS That was him, wasn't it? No.
All right, I know, I know.
The longer you leave it the worse it'll get.
It's just, it's hard! I've got a lot going on at the moment with Mum and Dad.
They're talking divorce now.
Oh, you hear that, Em? Two broken homes, how cool are you? Oh, for f! Dan! Jamie and I do not constitute a broken home! My parents just need to bloody talk to each other! Hmm, they're not the only ones.
Oh, all right, I know.
I'm going to talk to him! When the time is right.
This one is so comfy, you won't want to get out of it.
I've got one and my husband stays in it snoring until the middle of the day! PHONE RINGS Oh, excuse me.
Keith, I can't talk, I'm busy.
'Sandra, the search is over.
' I've found us a home.
No way! What's it like? It's perfect.
Detached.
Two-bedroom, family home.
Front and back gardens, all mod-cons, fitted kitchen, set in acres of lovely parkland.
Sounds too perfect, Keith.
We can't afford that! Yes, we can, cos I drove a hard bargain.
OK but if this place is full of dead bodies I am not interested.
Oh, no.
It's fine, relax.
Hello.
Oliver Courtland.
Right Ah, oh, your wife called? Asked me to value the house.
Urgently.
My wife is in New York.
Why on earth would she want the house valued? Oh! God! You weren't aware of this? No, I bloody wasn't.
Were you? I didn't think she meant it.
She just said if it came to divorce Divorce! If she wants a divorce she can have one.
If! She said if! Perhaps I should come back at a convenient time? Stay right there.
Oh, absolutely.
And what's more, you're telling my wife that not only am I having the house valued, I am putting it on the market.
Today.
You can't just sell the house to get back at her! It's not monopoly.
It'll be way too big once it's just us.
Ignore him - this house is not up for sale.
My parents just need to talk to each other! I've tried talking.
She's the one who's decided to communicate through the medium of a property salesman! Look, come on.
Put it in the window.
Today.
Priced to sell.
If you're hungry you only had to ask.
We are calling Mum.
Now.
Oh, no, I really don't want to talk.
And besides, it's not a good time.
It is a great time.
Hi, Mum.
'Darling, are you all right? What's happened?' Dad wants to talk to you.
Now.
'If your father wishes to apologise, he can schedule a time with my PA in the morning.
' Tell your mother to send a letter to my solicitor.
Or get her PA to.
You're both behaving like children! I'm not, she is! ' "Oh, I'm not, she is!" ' Oh, can't you see that there is more at stake here? Don't you care about me and Emily? Of course we do.
'Darling, you know I love you both very much! 'It's only your father I can't stand.
' You're both just being stupid and proud and angry, but somewhere, deep down, there's still some love there.
And besides, Dad's been miserable.
And, Mum, I know you miss him! 'Oh, darling, it's four in the morning, 'I really do need to get some sleep.
' Look, Janet, wait, Laura is right.
We shouldn't just pretend we don't care while our marriage falls apart.
I'll call the estate agent, get him to take the house off the market.
'You put the house on the market?' Well, you were getting the house valued! Losing focus a little bit here, Dad.
OK.
I am willing to give it another goif you are.
'Alan, I' 'Baby, did I oversleep?' Who the hell is that? 'Er, well, actually, just Just my PA, Hunter.
' He's not your PA, he's your boyfriend! 'No, not necessarily.
'Well, all right, I am seeing him, but he is my PA.
' Utter bitch! 'Don't be such a hypocrite!' How am I a hypocrite? 'You blame me for having your affair, 'and now you're blaming me for mine.
Make your mind up! 'Are you coming for a shower, Janet?' 'Er, a little bit busy right now!' 'This really isn't my fault.
Your father had the choice 'of being in that shower with me and he decided not to take it.
' Right, that's it.
Forget everything I said, this marriage is officially over! Just a few more steps, and .
.
surprise! Oh, no.
No! No! I mean, it needs a bit of work but it's It's fully functional, it's all plumbed in, electrics.
I'm not living in a campsite! No.
It's a static caravan park.
And a campsite.
There's a campsite attached.
No! No! No! "I don't need luxury," you said.
"As long as I'm with the man I love, Keith.
" Yeah, well, I've had second thoughts and that's a load of bollocks.
I want a house! Bricks and mortar.
Not plywood and plastic laminate! Oh, come on, at least come and have a look at it.
I'm not living in a caravan.
Take me home, Keith.
Um Actually, this is our home.
I had to put a deposit down.
Stop anyone else from snapping it up! Come on, San, it's got a little runway and everything! Raahhhh! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Good times! Listen, I've got something to tell you but I don't want Beth to know.
That's amazing! I know exactly how you feel! No, you don't, I haven't even told you yet.
I do! I really do! Mike, you're shaking! Are you sure you should be drinking this much coffee? Yeah! This is number 15.
Next one's free! OK, listen.
I haven't even told Laura this yet, but I've dropped out of school.
I'm going to get a job.
That's amazing! I should join ya! Sh, Beth's coming.
What's going on? Hmm? Nothing.
We were just discussing.
school! He's told you, hasn't he? Told me what? I'm not stupid, you know! I saw you high-fiving it like the pathetic, immature arsehole that you are! SHE YELLS: OK, OK, so we slept together, so what?! Oh, thank God! Finally! So he hadn't told you? No.
I've been dying to tell you! But understandably I think Beth wanted to take the glory.
Congratulations? Thank you! Please, just go! Just leave me Actually, Beth, I think I'm going to celebrate! With a free coffee.
I think you owe me? I don't owe you ANYTHING! Um, Beth.
What, um, what's the problem here? Did he order the meat feast? No.
He just completed his loyalty card.
Great! Well, get the man his coffee, then.
Ah! That's the ticket.
Right, here we are - home, sweet home! Great.
Hey Oh! All right? Sorry, I'll just, er So, yeah, we've got the Got the lounge area, vintage furniture So, what d'ya think? It's pretty small Yeah, but ya know You seen the view? Phwoooar! Oh, yeah.
Plenty of space OUTSIDE.
Yeah, it's cosy.
And there's no problem keeping warm either cos of the, er No, I'd actually stay away from the fire, it does need a bit of attention.
Your father's burnt himself twice on it already.
Whoa! It's OK! Don't worry, there is a bit of a tilt! I do need to look at the blocks.
Sandra, you've got to stay on that side when we're on this side.
How the hell am I supposed to make a cup of tea?! Ahh, all right, hold on.
Do you want me to? No, no, you just It's fine, just as long as there's twoand one.
What's that? Ah, that's your new bedroom! There's actually only one bedroom.
But there's hooks for your stuff and a little portable fold-out table and cushion so you can do your homework in the toilet.
The best seat in the house! Actually, I think my homework days are over I know it's hard, son, but we all have to make adjustments.
Yeah, do you know what, we actually might become quite attached to this place.
No, we won't! We'll be out of here as soon as your father finds a job! Oh, well, I'm going to be getting a job as well.
I've decided I need to start behaving like a responsible adult.
So .
.
I've dropped out of school.
I Yeah, now, Jamie, I think I think you're a bit too young to start behaving like a responsible adult.
I'm 18! How are you going to get a decent job without proper qualifications? You'll end up at the bottom of the pile! Like your father! Hey! Just hang on! Qualifications aren't everything, you know.
You don't learn common sense at university! Can you both stop talking to me like I'm a kid? We just want what's best for you, son.
I don't think either of you have done such a good job of things, that you're especially qualified to tell me how to provide for my future! And when she had finally awoken from her long sleep, the princess just needed a bit of space to get her life back together.
So the handsome prince agreed to just back off for a bit COMPUTER BLEEPS Oh.
Sh, sh.
'Laura, I'm so glad I got hold of you.
' Couldn't you have got your PA to schedule a call? 'Darling.
I know you're angry with me 'but I do not want you to become a pawn in our battle.
'So tell your father I'm getting you a flat, 'so you don't have to live with him.
' A flat? 'Then you and Emily can move on with your lives.
'And I've got somewhere to stay when I pop back for a visit!' A visit? You're not coming back? 'All a bit up in the air at the moment 'But honestly, darling, 'you do not want to live with your father in a confined space.
'I tried it in the early '90s and it nearly killed me.
' Oh, hey! Jamie! Visitors! Sh, sorry! Hiya.
Hi.
Here, let me take that.
No, maybe I should leave this outside.
No, no.
It's fine, honestly.
The caravan's not as small as it looks.
Jamie, um, can we Can we talk? Ohhh I'll just, um Here.
Oh, thanks.
Oh! Oh.
Don't worry, I'm here for you now.
Oh, yeah, it's just It's really, with everything that's going on at the moment with me, it's very It's very confusing and, um claustrophobic.
Tell me about it! Hm, yeah.
Um, I think I just really need some space.
With Emily.
Just to think about where we're going in our lives.
Of course, I understand.
My mum has, um, offered to get us a flat.
Wow! I don't know yet.
It's a big step.
It's all happening so suddenly.
I know.
But, yes! Yes? Yes! I mean, if you think about it, it couldn't have come at a better time! Let's go for it! Let's move in together! Er.
.
Oh, I didn't No! And the great news is I've dropped out of school so I can start earning for all of us! Ohthat's.
You dropped out?! Oh, Laura! I'm going to be YOUR rock now! Oh I I know, I know.
I'm excited, too! We're going to be so happy! Ohhh Does Jamie think you're moving in with him? No! Well, yeah but I'll set him straight.
You've got a job? Bit of decorating.
You interested? Yeah! Are you sellin' ice cream? Lobster! Are you going on a date? Hmm.
But you're married! Only to your mother! You like that.
Don't you?