Psychobitches (2013) s02e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 # MUSIC "It Must Be Something Psychological" by Katie Lee # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical # That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you So, Sleeping Beauty, if we're going to cure this recurring narcolepsy, we need to consider what really lies behind this constant cycle of sleeping and waking and sleeping again.
Could it be post-traumatic stress, caused by an unbroken century of slumber? Or a toxic residue of your association with these, um, fairies, who claim to be your friends.
What do you think? Oh # FANFARE # ROMANTIC MUSIC WITH STRINGS AND CHOIR Case closed.
And I was honest with Paul as well, you know, um I told him, I never even liked Wings.
I see.
I always preferred the legs.
I feel so disorientated all the time.
I'm in a whirl.
My life feels as if it's spinning out of control.
I think I'm having another one of my turns.
See what I mean?! I think you need another course of hydrotherapy.
I was alone.
Was it, uh, daytime, night-time? Oh, daytime, around noon.
What fixes it at noon for you? I was looking forward to my lunch.
I'd found somewhere comfortable to sit, a tuffet.
A tuffet? And you say this Spider.
.
.
has been, er, "stalking" you ever since? Are you sure it's the same spider? I am very sure.
If you'd have seen it Miss Muffet, I'd like you to try drawing what it is you see.
Please.
And this is exactly what you see? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Miss Muffet, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get a book.
I want to show you some pictures of real spiders.
AAAAAH! What's the matter? It was here! What was here? It, it, IT!! The spider was here? Yes! Did you really not see it? No.
Where did it come from? The ceiling! The ceiling! There? Yes! Aaaah! Miss Muffet.
Did anyone order a fruit salad? # SAMBA MUSIC How are the mood swings at the moment? Sometimes I feel a little bit # Chicky-chicky, ticky-tacky, chicky-chicky, BOOM! You know? Not really, no.
Come on! Don't you want your hips to say hip-hip hooray? # Gimme, gimme, gimme Gimme chattanooga choo choo # I just wanna, wanna, I just wanna, wanna dance.
All right, can you stop, please? # Gimme gimme gimme Can you stop, please?! These are distraction tactics.
What's underneath the bananas? More bananas! Sorry, did you just put something in your mouth? No.
So, we need to talk about what's really going on in your life.
Sorry, did you just do it again? Do what? Put something in your mouth? No.
Open your mouth please.
Could you open your mouth please? Carmen, I'm beginning to suspect that you might be on drugs.
Of course I am on fucking drugs.
Not much gets past you, does it? Jesus! Chicky boom What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Put it this way, I won't be going on a date with Tom Thumb again.
This.
He should be here soon.
He promised he'd turn up this time.
We can start without him.
Just a few more minutes.
It smells lovely in here.
Is it lavender? Hello, Angel Face.
You're late.
Did you find it all right? Where have you been? So, who wants to start? Henry? Anne? Okey dokes.
I'm just fed up with being made to feel invisible.
I'm an attractive woman and I want to feel sexy again.
You know, before we met, my confidence levels were sky high.
And now you've just brought them right down to here.
Do you still have sex? Oh, my days! Do you feel embarrassed to talk about sex, Henry? No.
Never used to.
In the beginning, he was all over me.
We were like rabbits, constantly having intercourse.
Proper filthy, you know, next-level shit.
And then, of course, as soon as we tied the knot, zilch.
Nada, not even a sausage.
Anyone will tell you, you have to work at a marriage.
You know, it's not all plain sailing, it's a graft.
It's a bloody hard graft and you have to put the hours in.
I do, I work at it 24-7, where you, you're part-time.
You're part-time and you're half-arsed.
Henry, I've got news for you, I'm not going to be your wallflower.
I don't care if you're the King of England.
What's your biggest sexual turn-on? A firm hand on my tuffet.
I like elaborate sex toys.
I'm partial to a bit of S and M.
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY # FANFARE # ROMANTIC STRINGS AND CHOIR SHE SIGHS DEEPLY # FANFARE You don't mind if I leave the door open? He'll come along presently.
He always does.
Whatever makes you most comfortable.
Then I'll have a scotch and soda, hold the soda.
I'm kidding, of course.
You need a splash of soda.
Now, tell me about your invisible friend.
He can tell you himself.
Here he comes.
ROARS I know you can't see him.
What I need is the cold, hard cynicism of a medical professional to get me back on the path to sanity.
(It's a leopard!) Oh, you're good.
How do you know I'm being followed by a leopard? Because you're being followed by a leopard.
Is he dangerous? He looks dangerous.
The worst he's ever done to me is eat about two-thirds of my second-favourite pant suit.
I mean, how does that happen? He's imaginary and yet the pant suit got chewed.
Maybe I ate it and didn't know it.
You don't understand, you don't have a psychological problem, you have a zoological problem! What, d'you mean, you can see him? Yes, he's there! He's sitting in my office! Well, how do you know you're not nutty too? It's one of the things they check.
Now, look, what we need to do is to get out of here and close the door and call the police or the fire brigade or a safari park, but quietly.
LEOPARD PURRS That's it? Forgive me for swearing, but you have brought a fucking leopard into my office and I want to know what you're going to do about it?! This is what we'll do.
I've got no use for a REAL leopard, so I'm giving him to you.
No need to thank me.
I don't want a leopard! Well, I'm afraid it's too late for that, you've got one.
Oh! Look at the time! I'm late for my luncheon engagement.
Professor, I can't tell you what a help you've been.
I shall recommend you all over town.
Oh, if he makes a low purr, that's when you really have to watch it.
Just after he made that noise, he ate my imaginary housekeeper.
At least, I hope she was imaginary.
GROWLS That's the noise.
AAAAH! # And confess in song 'til heart's content Tell me what you can remember from your childhood.
What are your earliest memories? A large pleasant meadow, with a pond of clear water on it.
My mother, I remember I used to feed greedily on her milk.
You can remember that? Oh, yes, I couldn't eat grass for some time.
When I moved onto grass, that's when mother went back to work.
And what was her work? Oh, she used to pull the plough in the 10-acre field.
Quite a comedown for the Duchess.
Her grandfather won the cup at Newmarket.
Are you trying to tell me your mother was a racehorse? No.
She was a brood mare.
Anna, I try not to be directive with my clients, but I need you to know that these fictions are not helpful and I need you to cleave to the truth.
All right.
Have it your way.
I admit that I get carried away, but that is only because life at home is so very dull.
But I know what is real and what is not real and Beauty is real.
I wrote a whole book about him.
The products of our imaginations should be prized, cherished even, and I accept that your creation has achieved a life of its own, but he has no tangible existence in our world.
Beauty's here right now.
Do you want to meet Beauty? Beauty! Beauty! There's nobody there, Anna.
Beauty, stop being so stubborn! So what I want you to Oh.
Hello, Beauty.
How are you? I'm very well, thank you.
How are you? Hup! Away from here, Beauty! # BLACK BEAUTY THEME TUNE Let's ride.
Come on, here we go! Whoo! Yes! Anna? A woman must dream.
What makes you cry? Single malt, no ice.
You did say, "What'll you have?" (BREATHLESSLY) Learning I was to be beheaded took the shine off the day a bit.
SHE HUMS BLACK BEAUTY THEME # Mm-mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm, mm, mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm Mm-mm What's that? It's a tuffet.
And that? Cottage cheese.
It's supposed to be curds and whey.
It's the closest I could get.
It was either that or a Fruit Corner.
Oh, is that pineapple? Let's just go with it.
Now what? Let's just see what happens.
Oh, fuck you! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Miss Muffet, please.
I'm going to have to clean that up, otherwise the whole place will smell.
Anything dairy on carpet.
Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! MISS MUFFET SCREAMS Miss Muffet, these histrionics are not helpful.
I'll ask you to sit in my waiting room until you've composed yourself.
Can you send in my 3.
30? We might as well get ahead of schedule.
Thank you.
Ah, Bo Peep, isn't it? They've gone.
They've gone! SHE SOBS THEY'VE GONE! I've got a very high libido, it runs in my family.
All I want is to be pleasured and satisfied, it's as simple as that.
I've even stopped shaving my legs, there's just no point.
Are there trust issues between you both? I never thought there were.
I've always trusted Henry with my life.
But then recently I've been thinking, well, if he's not getting his rocks off with me, who's it with? Because he says he doesn't masturbate.
Oh, please! So where's it all going? Because it's not going inside of me.
Have you asked Henry directly? Henry, have you been .
.
fooling around with anyone else? What Stop looking at the clock and answer the question.
This is bullshit, yeah? I'm going to go and play tennis.
Who with? Tennis coach, innit? Right, your tennis coach? Yeah.
Would that be Jane, by any chance? Piss off! Oh, yeah, go on then, now walk away.
Yeah, I will do.
Yeah, that's the easy route.
Go on then, enjoy your game of "tennis", with that slut! I love you, Henry! Where are your confidence levels now, Anne? (Right down there.
) What's the most important thing life has taught you so far? When life gives you lemons, make a hat.
If at all possible, avoid the fourth century.
Get a good theme tune.
# Mm-mm, mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm # Mm-mmm # Mm-mmmm THEY HUM BLACK BEAUTY THEME TOGETHER So, Emily, tell me about your dream.
What's so troubling about it? Oh, it ain't troubling.
I like it.
It's enjoyable.
Enjoyable? Oh, aye.
Every time I wake up with this tune in my head, but not just music, words, too.
And are you a musical family? Do you and your sisters play at all? Well, Charlotte likes strumming on her banjo.
LAUGHS DIRTILY And Anne can't help but bang away on her triangle.
LAUGHS FILTHILY Yes.
OK, well, please, go ahead, tell me about your dream.
Well, it always starts in the same way.
BIRDSONG # I like going for a walk # On t'moor # On t'moor # Father badgers me all day # But what for? # What the hell for? # Cos I can't be cheerful or gay # We're way too poor # Way too poor # And my secret wish, if I could say # To be a whore! # A dirty whore! # I like trotting on the sheep BAAING # Amongst the gorse # Amongst the gorse # I hope a man I'll find to keep # I won't, of course # I won't, of course TUNE CHANGES TO MINOR KEY # They all get TB, which makes them die # They cough till hoarse MEN COUGH # Cough themselves hoarse # Apart from brother Bramwell, who did for himself # With too much sauce # From drinking the sauce And don't forget the laudanum Neigh! # I like to be carried by a hawk # Up in t'clouds # Up in t'clouds # And confess in song 'til heart's content # Sung out loud # So very loud # That I once saw late Willie Weightman's cock # Standing proud # Standing proud # Once in t'morning by the shithouse door # And once in his shroud # Once in his shroud # We three are the Bronte sisters # We're very proud # So very proud # Yes, we're the Brontes # We know when we're gone you're going to miss us, you'll miss us # Up in t'clouds # In the clouds # Up in t'clouds # In the clouds # We didn't get to shag men in life # Weren't no shagging # Never mind # Yes, we mind # Never mind # Well, just a little # All those unsullied holes and pent-up juices Gave you Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights And The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall! SPLASH THEY CROW WITH LAUGHTER # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical # That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you
Could it be post-traumatic stress, caused by an unbroken century of slumber? Or a toxic residue of your association with these, um, fairies, who claim to be your friends.
What do you think? Oh # FANFARE # ROMANTIC MUSIC WITH STRINGS AND CHOIR Case closed.
And I was honest with Paul as well, you know, um I told him, I never even liked Wings.
I see.
I always preferred the legs.
I feel so disorientated all the time.
I'm in a whirl.
My life feels as if it's spinning out of control.
I think I'm having another one of my turns.
See what I mean?! I think you need another course of hydrotherapy.
I was alone.
Was it, uh, daytime, night-time? Oh, daytime, around noon.
What fixes it at noon for you? I was looking forward to my lunch.
I'd found somewhere comfortable to sit, a tuffet.
A tuffet? And you say this Spider.
.
.
has been, er, "stalking" you ever since? Are you sure it's the same spider? I am very sure.
If you'd have seen it Miss Muffet, I'd like you to try drawing what it is you see.
Please.
And this is exactly what you see? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Miss Muffet, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get a book.
I want to show you some pictures of real spiders.
AAAAAH! What's the matter? It was here! What was here? It, it, IT!! The spider was here? Yes! Did you really not see it? No.
Where did it come from? The ceiling! The ceiling! There? Yes! Aaaah! Miss Muffet.
Did anyone order a fruit salad? # SAMBA MUSIC How are the mood swings at the moment? Sometimes I feel a little bit # Chicky-chicky, ticky-tacky, chicky-chicky, BOOM! You know? Not really, no.
Come on! Don't you want your hips to say hip-hip hooray? # Gimme, gimme, gimme Gimme chattanooga choo choo # I just wanna, wanna, I just wanna, wanna dance.
All right, can you stop, please? # Gimme gimme gimme Can you stop, please?! These are distraction tactics.
What's underneath the bananas? More bananas! Sorry, did you just put something in your mouth? No.
So, we need to talk about what's really going on in your life.
Sorry, did you just do it again? Do what? Put something in your mouth? No.
Open your mouth please.
Could you open your mouth please? Carmen, I'm beginning to suspect that you might be on drugs.
Of course I am on fucking drugs.
Not much gets past you, does it? Jesus! Chicky boom What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Put it this way, I won't be going on a date with Tom Thumb again.
This.
He should be here soon.
He promised he'd turn up this time.
We can start without him.
Just a few more minutes.
It smells lovely in here.
Is it lavender? Hello, Angel Face.
You're late.
Did you find it all right? Where have you been? So, who wants to start? Henry? Anne? Okey dokes.
I'm just fed up with being made to feel invisible.
I'm an attractive woman and I want to feel sexy again.
You know, before we met, my confidence levels were sky high.
And now you've just brought them right down to here.
Do you still have sex? Oh, my days! Do you feel embarrassed to talk about sex, Henry? No.
Never used to.
In the beginning, he was all over me.
We were like rabbits, constantly having intercourse.
Proper filthy, you know, next-level shit.
And then, of course, as soon as we tied the knot, zilch.
Nada, not even a sausage.
Anyone will tell you, you have to work at a marriage.
You know, it's not all plain sailing, it's a graft.
It's a bloody hard graft and you have to put the hours in.
I do, I work at it 24-7, where you, you're part-time.
You're part-time and you're half-arsed.
Henry, I've got news for you, I'm not going to be your wallflower.
I don't care if you're the King of England.
What's your biggest sexual turn-on? A firm hand on my tuffet.
I like elaborate sex toys.
I'm partial to a bit of S and M.
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY # FANFARE # ROMANTIC STRINGS AND CHOIR SHE SIGHS DEEPLY # FANFARE You don't mind if I leave the door open? He'll come along presently.
He always does.
Whatever makes you most comfortable.
Then I'll have a scotch and soda, hold the soda.
I'm kidding, of course.
You need a splash of soda.
Now, tell me about your invisible friend.
He can tell you himself.
Here he comes.
ROARS I know you can't see him.
What I need is the cold, hard cynicism of a medical professional to get me back on the path to sanity.
(It's a leopard!) Oh, you're good.
How do you know I'm being followed by a leopard? Because you're being followed by a leopard.
Is he dangerous? He looks dangerous.
The worst he's ever done to me is eat about two-thirds of my second-favourite pant suit.
I mean, how does that happen? He's imaginary and yet the pant suit got chewed.
Maybe I ate it and didn't know it.
You don't understand, you don't have a psychological problem, you have a zoological problem! What, d'you mean, you can see him? Yes, he's there! He's sitting in my office! Well, how do you know you're not nutty too? It's one of the things they check.
Now, look, what we need to do is to get out of here and close the door and call the police or the fire brigade or a safari park, but quietly.
LEOPARD PURRS That's it? Forgive me for swearing, but you have brought a fucking leopard into my office and I want to know what you're going to do about it?! This is what we'll do.
I've got no use for a REAL leopard, so I'm giving him to you.
No need to thank me.
I don't want a leopard! Well, I'm afraid it's too late for that, you've got one.
Oh! Look at the time! I'm late for my luncheon engagement.
Professor, I can't tell you what a help you've been.
I shall recommend you all over town.
Oh, if he makes a low purr, that's when you really have to watch it.
Just after he made that noise, he ate my imaginary housekeeper.
At least, I hope she was imaginary.
GROWLS That's the noise.
AAAAH! # And confess in song 'til heart's content Tell me what you can remember from your childhood.
What are your earliest memories? A large pleasant meadow, with a pond of clear water on it.
My mother, I remember I used to feed greedily on her milk.
You can remember that? Oh, yes, I couldn't eat grass for some time.
When I moved onto grass, that's when mother went back to work.
And what was her work? Oh, she used to pull the plough in the 10-acre field.
Quite a comedown for the Duchess.
Her grandfather won the cup at Newmarket.
Are you trying to tell me your mother was a racehorse? No.
She was a brood mare.
Anna, I try not to be directive with my clients, but I need you to know that these fictions are not helpful and I need you to cleave to the truth.
All right.
Have it your way.
I admit that I get carried away, but that is only because life at home is so very dull.
But I know what is real and what is not real and Beauty is real.
I wrote a whole book about him.
The products of our imaginations should be prized, cherished even, and I accept that your creation has achieved a life of its own, but he has no tangible existence in our world.
Beauty's here right now.
Do you want to meet Beauty? Beauty! Beauty! There's nobody there, Anna.
Beauty, stop being so stubborn! So what I want you to Oh.
Hello, Beauty.
How are you? I'm very well, thank you.
How are you? Hup! Away from here, Beauty! # BLACK BEAUTY THEME TUNE Let's ride.
Come on, here we go! Whoo! Yes! Anna? A woman must dream.
What makes you cry? Single malt, no ice.
You did say, "What'll you have?" (BREATHLESSLY) Learning I was to be beheaded took the shine off the day a bit.
SHE HUMS BLACK BEAUTY THEME # Mm-mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm, mm, mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm Mm-mm What's that? It's a tuffet.
And that? Cottage cheese.
It's supposed to be curds and whey.
It's the closest I could get.
It was either that or a Fruit Corner.
Oh, is that pineapple? Let's just go with it.
Now what? Let's just see what happens.
Oh, fuck you! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Miss Muffet, please.
I'm going to have to clean that up, otherwise the whole place will smell.
Anything dairy on carpet.
Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! MISS MUFFET SCREAMS Miss Muffet, these histrionics are not helpful.
I'll ask you to sit in my waiting room until you've composed yourself.
Can you send in my 3.
30? We might as well get ahead of schedule.
Thank you.
Ah, Bo Peep, isn't it? They've gone.
They've gone! SHE SOBS THEY'VE GONE! I've got a very high libido, it runs in my family.
All I want is to be pleasured and satisfied, it's as simple as that.
I've even stopped shaving my legs, there's just no point.
Are there trust issues between you both? I never thought there were.
I've always trusted Henry with my life.
But then recently I've been thinking, well, if he's not getting his rocks off with me, who's it with? Because he says he doesn't masturbate.
Oh, please! So where's it all going? Because it's not going inside of me.
Have you asked Henry directly? Henry, have you been .
.
fooling around with anyone else? What Stop looking at the clock and answer the question.
This is bullshit, yeah? I'm going to go and play tennis.
Who with? Tennis coach, innit? Right, your tennis coach? Yeah.
Would that be Jane, by any chance? Piss off! Oh, yeah, go on then, now walk away.
Yeah, I will do.
Yeah, that's the easy route.
Go on then, enjoy your game of "tennis", with that slut! I love you, Henry! Where are your confidence levels now, Anne? (Right down there.
) What's the most important thing life has taught you so far? When life gives you lemons, make a hat.
If at all possible, avoid the fourth century.
Get a good theme tune.
# Mm-mm, mm # Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm # Mm-mmm # Mm-mmmm THEY HUM BLACK BEAUTY THEME TOGETHER So, Emily, tell me about your dream.
What's so troubling about it? Oh, it ain't troubling.
I like it.
It's enjoyable.
Enjoyable? Oh, aye.
Every time I wake up with this tune in my head, but not just music, words, too.
And are you a musical family? Do you and your sisters play at all? Well, Charlotte likes strumming on her banjo.
LAUGHS DIRTILY And Anne can't help but bang away on her triangle.
LAUGHS FILTHILY Yes.
OK, well, please, go ahead, tell me about your dream.
Well, it always starts in the same way.
BIRDSONG # I like going for a walk # On t'moor # On t'moor # Father badgers me all day # But what for? # What the hell for? # Cos I can't be cheerful or gay # We're way too poor # Way too poor # And my secret wish, if I could say # To be a whore! # A dirty whore! # I like trotting on the sheep BAAING # Amongst the gorse # Amongst the gorse # I hope a man I'll find to keep # I won't, of course # I won't, of course TUNE CHANGES TO MINOR KEY # They all get TB, which makes them die # They cough till hoarse MEN COUGH # Cough themselves hoarse # Apart from brother Bramwell, who did for himself # With too much sauce # From drinking the sauce And don't forget the laudanum Neigh! # I like to be carried by a hawk # Up in t'clouds # Up in t'clouds # And confess in song 'til heart's content # Sung out loud # So very loud # That I once saw late Willie Weightman's cock # Standing proud # Standing proud # Once in t'morning by the shithouse door # And once in his shroud # Once in his shroud # We three are the Bronte sisters # We're very proud # So very proud # Yes, we're the Brontes # We know when we're gone you're going to miss us, you'll miss us # Up in t'clouds # In the clouds # Up in t'clouds # In the clouds # We didn't get to shag men in life # Weren't no shagging # Never mind # Yes, we mind # Never mind # Well, just a little # All those unsullied holes and pent-up juices Gave you Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights And The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall! SPLASH THEY CROW WITH LAUGHTER # It must be something psychological # It may be something very physical # That makes me feel the way I do Whenever I'm in touch with you