Psychoville (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

Previously on Psychoville - This is Freddy.
- It's only a doll.
Not for much longer.
This whole collection has taken me years to amass.
- How many more do you need? - Just the one, Tealeaf.
I have this This fantasy.
That is so funny! I did a bad murder.
Can you put me through to the police Happy with that, Graham? Being drowned? Go and fill a bath, David.
Trevor, Mr Jolly's here! Jelly! I'm Mr Jelly! They don't know! They don't know what he did to me.
Place the prisoner in the dock.
Clown Court is now in session.
All rise for Judge Pennywise.
Mr Jelly, you stand accused of bringing clowning into disrepute.
- How do you plead? - Not guilty! Silence in court, the Judge is dead! Somebody trumped and blew off his head! Exhibit A, m'lud.
I know what you did! You killed her, didn't you? - What? I didn't kill anyone! - Silence! Anything from the defence? Your request has been noted.
Call your first witness.
The prosecution calls Mr Jolly! - Mr Jolly? - Yes, Your Honour.
Can you tell us in your own words what exactly the accused did to you? Mr Jelly stole my act.
Liar! He stole my act! Silence in the courtyard! Silence in the street! The biggest twit in England is just about to speak! Starting frooooooooooooooooooooom now.
But I didn't do anything! - Guilty! - Guilty! Guilty! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! Off with his hand! - Off with his hand! - It wasn't me! I didn't do anything! It wasn't me! I never killed anyone! Please! Please! I can't play it! I've only got DVD.
I've not had tapes since Shawshank Redemption.
Now, this is what we midwives call a birthing pool.
It's become quite faddish of late amongst trendy young couples like yourselves.
They roll around on space hoppers, listening to DVBs of dolphin music and burning those candles that smell of Germolene.
But in my experience, when you feel the stab of that first contraction, you're gonna beg to be brought onto the ward flat on your back and numb from the neck down.
Isn't it more comforting for the baby to pass from the womb into an environment which is also warm and wet? Less stressful? I see that Dr Miriam Stoppard has snuck back in.
Hello Miriam, how's Tom? Oh, no, sorry, of course, he left you, didn't he, for Felicity Kendall? If what you're actually asking is, "Joy, will a water birth stop it from hurting?", well, I'm afraid my answer would have to be no, it won't, because you don't get one of these without a lot of pain.
And believe me, mums and dads, - I know pain.
- What's this for, then? Do you catch the baby in it? There's one that got away! Come in, number three, your time's up! No, that's what we call the Stink Net.
If you're pushing down with all your might, a baby isn't the only thing that'll pop out.
So Dad, if you allow your partner to choose a water birth, it will be your job to scoop out all the tots.
Excuse me.
Joy, your husband's on the phone.
He wants you to come home straight away.
I can take over here if you like.
No, thank you, Nicola.
I think we're done.
Thank you.
David, stop playing with your food.
Don't want it.
Come on, it's good sausage, is that.
What's the matter? Is it too big? Need it mushing up? "Police want to question "anyone who saw Graham "Whittaker on the day he died.
" Here, try that.
That better? Poor Graham.
- Flat as a pancake.
- Do you mind? I'm eating a pancake.
We should count ourselves lucky he went under that bus, or else he'd have gone to the police.
Did anyone else apart from him see you do that murder? Him, him and her.
That's three more witnesses we've got to get rid of.
Plus the two you've already killed.
That makes five! Can we not do six? Why? Six makes us proper serial killers.
Five's just mass murder.
You're never satisfied, are you, David? We'll have to see on the day if there's anyone else knocking about.
Come on, finish your sausage, we've got work to do.
Don't be disgusting! Use your fork.
It's not in here, it's not in his bedroom and it's not in the loft.
- Then I don't know where it is.
- Karen, please listen to me! We've got people offering us thousands of pounds for a stuffed crocodile.
When was the last time you saw it? I put it in a box in the spare room marked "eBay".
It's not there, is it? The one thing in this house that's worth a lot, and you can't look after it.
That's nice! Never mind your wife, - and your kid! - Karen, listen to me! We've got a blind man on the driveway and a pair of Siamese twins on the patio.
We are out of our depth.
These people are serious collectors.
Now get upstairs and find me that crocodile! - Mum? - Shut up.
Get out of the way.
What's happening? I think they're just trying to find it.
Come on! Ring, why don't you ring? Here, check if I've got a signal, will you? - How long have you had this phone? - Ages.
Nobody ever rings me on it.
I've waited years for this moment, Tealeaf.
By the end of this day, I'll be the only man in the world with a complete collection of first generation Beanie toys.
- Do you know what that makes me? - Yeah.
Rich, Tealeaf.
Rich.
Hello? - Hello? - Who is it? Yeah OK.
Cool.
Well? They're ready.
Hello, Sean.
What are you doing here? We haven't been double booked again, have we? As you can see, nothing in this hand, and nothing in this hand.
But what's this I see? How egg-straordinary! And that's for you, Barnaby, and take a bow! You've got a repetitive strain injury.
I know you've worked very hard.
A simple surgical procedure should loosen the tendons.
You'll be right as rain by Tuesday, just in time for Philippa's party! Doctor, my GP said Yes, I heard what he said, and he shouldn't be in here.
Could you leave, please? Yes, sorry.
So you're a children's entertainer? How fascinating.
Doctor, he's waking up.
I'm terribly sorry.
There were complications.
There's a lot we can do with prosthetics these days, and with my help, there's no reason why in six months' time Can I just have some time to think about it, please? Of course.
Towel's just there.
Sorry I'm late.
I can only make left turns.
Through here, is it? this hand.
Nothing in this hand.
What's this I see? How egg-straordinary! Doctor? Hello, Sean.
I closed my eyes Drew back the curtain It arrived this morning.
- Same handwriting as the other one.
- Come on, Freddy, what's the matter? Don't you like swede? Joy, didn't you hear me? Someone's trying to blackmail us.
Come on, little soldier, just one more for the king? He's not taking it for some reason.
- When's all this going to stop? - Not until he's finished the whole jar.
I mean the situation with - the baby.
- He has got a name, George.
With Freddy.
I can't keep this up much longer.
How do you think I feel when people come round to the house and see this? Proud, I hope.
Just because Freddy is special needs What special needs? A boil wash twice a week? Daddy's just being silly now, isn't he, Freddy? He knows perfectly well that you're hand-wash only.
Joy, please, whoever sent this tape knows that you were put away.
They know what you did.
I was ill, George.
Ill.
And I'm better now.
No-one's got anything on me.
I'm ashamed of nothing.
I know you're not ashamed, but you're not well, Joy.
Please, why won't you let me help you? Like you helped Paul? Oh, that's not fair.
Don't do this, Joy.
If God won't give me another child, then I'll be God.
- I don't need you or your useless seed.
- You don't know what you're saying.
No-one said bringing up a child would be easy.
It's not a child! It's a doll.
A horrible, stinking bag of rags! You see, George? It's working.
Freddy, you clever boy.
- Look stupid.
- You don't look stupid.
You look pretty.
Two women is less threatening, remember.
Don't forget to do your lady voice.
Do it? Hello, I'm Jill.
On second thoughts, keep your mouth shut.
Take my lead.
I'm ringing it.
You need strapping up.
Why didn't you put that bra on? It is on.
It's plopped out.
Sorry about that, Miss McGinnis.
We're from The Gentle Touch Beauty Salon.
This is Jill Gascoigne.
I'm Maggie Forbes.
Yes, of course.
Hello, ladies, I was expecting you.
I'll call you back.
Everyone's out to lunch, but can I get you anything? Drink? - Smoothie.
- No, thank you.
- Smoothie! - Jill loves smoothies.
We'll be fine.
- Maybe later.
- Mango.
We'll get you one brought in.
Shall we go through to my office? I'm just dying to have this done! Do you think I care what you say? With Snow White asleep for a hundred years, that's the way it's going to stay! I'm the most beautiful woman in all of Mulravia! Good crowd for a matinee, isn't it? I think those Cubs are really getting it going.
I hope you're not still mad about last night, Robert.
It was just meant as a joke, you know? Brian says it's good for cast bonding to have silly little in-jokes and stuff.
It's nothing personal.
Well, I can play a few tricks of my own.
Great! I can't wait to see them! Can I get you in the box? Oh, yes, I am! - Oh, no, you're not! - Oh, yes, I am! Just want you to know that I had nothing to do with what happened.
It's too late for sorry, Kerry.
What are you gonna do? Oh, Snow White.
She's so beautiful, but yet she still won't wake! Who's going to cook and clean for us now? Only love's first kiss will break the spell.
We must remain true to her until the spell is broken.
Who's this? I am Prince Charming, and I have been searching the land for my true love.
Her name Don't you mean HIS name? is Snow White.
- Have you heard of her? - She's here, but you're too late.
She's been struck down by a terrible curse.
I must kiss her ruby lips before I part hereof.
I can't look! I can't look! What's that? She wakes! She wakes! Oh, Snow White, I'm so happy to see you! It's Wednesday matinee! Thank you, Snow White.
I will treasure this always.
Snow White, will you be my bride? What's that? She said yes! She's still breathing.
- Are you happy now? - No.
I'm Blusher, remember.
What do you want with me? Haven't you done enough? I don't know what you're talking about! Threatening me, sending me messages, you're driving me mad! What messages? - Who sent you this? - You did.
That's an O.
This was meant for me.
As you can imagine, I never really get the chance to go to town on my make-up.
We hear this so often, don't we, Jill? This on-site makeover, it's a fabulous idea.
And you're already looking fabulous, Miss McGinnis.
Jill, you know, I really know your face.
Have you ever used our lawyers? Pardon? I doubt she has.
She's only just joined a library.
Now, what I've done here is take your eyebrows down a bit, so as to make more of your face.
Right.
Can I see? Not yet.
I wouldn't want you to see the painting without all the paint on.
Is that nearly ready, Jill? - What is that? - That's our portable electrolysis machine.
We'll soon have all your hair off.
Not all of it, I hope! I had a friend, well, a client actually.
She had beautiful long hair and she had it all shaved off.
She called it cancer chic.
I thought she looked like Ben Kingsley.
Ma'am? I mean, - Maggie Forbes? - What? Plastic chair.
Plastic chair, it won't work.
All right, if we could just scooch you over to this chair, please, Cheryl.
Well, it's not as comfortable.
It's where I sit my clients.
Well, it won't be for long.
- I don't like the look of those.
- It's nothing.
We just give your hairy patches a blast of electric to kill off all those unwanted follicles.
I would rather do this with a cream No, you wouldn't.
You never know what they've put in a cream.
Electric's electric.
She looks like that sausage face from this morning! Shut up! You are brutally honest, aren't you? - I didn't think it was that noticeable.
- People don't see it on themselves.
When I first met Jill, she looked like Brian Blessed, didn't you, Jill? Now look at her! Wait a minute David? Is that you? Ma'am? Now, David! Hiya.
We've just finished.
She's all done.
Yeah.
To a crisp.
I got a smoothie! I got a smoothie! I have in front of me the two sealed bids, with regard to the sale of Snappy the Crocodile.
Could I please just ask to see that both parties have enough cash to honour these bids? Most agreeable.
I will now open and peruse the bids.
- Dad? - Not now, Ian.
- But Dad - Go to your room! Karen, if you'd like to distribute the Melton Mowbray mini pork pies.
Gentlemen and ladies, thank you for your bids.
We do have a winner.
The new owner of the first generation Snappy the Crocodile is Come on, Bob.
It's not X Factor.
With a bid of £859,000! Fuck off! Fix! He saw us writing ours! How did I? You've got my eyes, remember? Karen, if you'd like to take Mr Lomax to the item.
I will count the money.
Go and play outside.
- But mom' - Ian! Congratulations.
- I hope you think it's worth the money.
- Oh, I do, I do.
It's been a long time.
What do you call this? Just because I'm blind, doesn't make me stupid! Tealeaf! Don't give him the cash, it's a fake! - Stay calm.
- What are you trying to pull? We have got him, we just can't lay our hands on him right now.
Look! They're trying to fob me off with this, a sock with buttons on! - So where is he, then? - It's perfectly safe.
I guarantee that.
All bets are off! - Have you got it or not? - We had it, I know we had it.
Serves you right for dealing with Mr Magoo over there.
That's rich, coming from a Push-Me-Pull-You! Close every door to me Hide all the world from me Bar all the windows and shut out the light Do what you want with me Hate me and laugh at me Darken my daytime And torture my night For I know we will find Was that meant for you as well? Our own peace of mind For we have been promised A land of our own.