Psychoville (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Previously on Psychoville Anyone else apart from him see you do that murder? Now, David! This whole collection has taken me years to amass.
How many more do you need? Just the one, Tealeaf.
These people are serious collectors.
Now, find me that crocodile! Agh! Are you happy now? Who sent you this? You did.
That's an O.
This was meant for me.
Freddy doesn't live in the storeroom.
Looks like he should be in the bin by the state of him.
Don't you dare! Jesus, Joy.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Would've been nice to have stayed and seen who the murderer was Well, I'm sorry, George, but I thought my boobs were gonna explode.
The Theatre Royal wouldn't want me dripping milk all over the stalls.
Everything all right, Nicola? How's he been? Fine.
I've not heard a peep out of him.
Yes, he's a very placid little boy.
He's livening up now cos he can smell mummy's milk.
Here, I'll get him latched on.
Come on then, Nicola, I'll take you home now.
Oh, by the way, this came for you.
I had to sign for it, I hope that's OK.
No, that's fine.
Thank you, Nicola.
Can you get me some cabbage leaves while you're out, George? He's sucking me red raw here.
Ooh! Ah! How do you go to the toilet? I'm assuming each of you has your own anus? Is it equal or does one go more than the other? Oh, do you mind? I'm interested.
We don't get a lot of this kind of thing in Dudley.
He's locked himself in his room and he's not coming out.
What's he done with Snappy? He won't say.
I tried the Jaffa Cakes, he wasn't interested.
This is ridiculous.
We are being held hostage by a seven-year-old boy.
'Ere, let me speak to him.
I have a way with kids.
Shall I come with? No, you stay here and keep your eye on the Cheeky Girls.
They're not to be trusted.
So if one of you needs topump, can the other one, like, hold it in? You know, Ian, when my Daddy was a little boy, in 1912, there was a ship called the Titanic which sank.
Hundreds of people died, many children among them and Hamley's, the toy shop, made 500 black mohair bears and put them in its window as a symbol of the nation's grief.
Well, my Daddy had one of these bears, and he gave it to me.
He said, "This represents all those little dead children.
Look after him.
" I've still got him.
I take him to bed with me every night.
As I grew older, I carried on my collection.
I thought somehow I could keep alive the child in me.
It's a terrible thing, growing old.
I've not long left now, I know I haven't, but if you could help me find Snappy the Crocodile, then that little boy who's still inside me will live on and I won't end my days as just another sad, lonely old man.
I can't hear a word you're saying.
No-one'll stop because of the hook.
Oh, it's all right, there's a recovery vehicle on its way.
You know who had a car like this, don't you? Charlie Carolli.
Ah, you don't know who that is, do you? Can't say that I do.
Did she present Ground Force? Charlie Dimmock.
Oh Call yourself a clown!? You don't know the first thing about it, do you? I bet you haven't even got your face registered on an egg.
On an egg? Yeah, that's how you copyright your make-up, twit.
Shame you can't do it for names.
You knew I was called Mr Jelly! I did want to call myself Dr Diddle, but there was a paedophile arrested in York with the same name so it didn't seem appropriate.
Besides, Mr Jolly suits my character.
What character? A paper plate with glasses on? Well, the distinction is clear enough to me.
It's not clear, though, or else I'd not be getting your blackmail letters.
My life is in danger cos someone thinks I'm you.
I thought you didn't want to be involved? I am.
Look! Is this why you wanted to see me? Yes, it's got to stop, Jolly, I'm sick of all this confusion! Excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr Jelly? Jolly! Emergency services spent several hours at the scene.
Police in London are investigating the discovery of two bodies found locked in a trunk in an apartment.
The bodies, both said to be male, have yet to be identified, but senior officers are treating the deaths as highly suspicious.
A witness described seeing a man wearing a hat with mirrors on it fleeing the scene.
Mamma.
Mamma.
I'm coming, Freddy.
Kevin, that was a two bow audience, not a three bow audience.
Half of them were already up with their coats on.
Yeah, but the front row were still sitting.
Yes, well they're the Sunshine Coach mob.
They've no choice.
Right, before you all de-slap, just a few parish notices.
Thank you.
Now I hope you've all signed Debbie's get well soon card, which is knocking around in wardrobe village.
She's fine, she's in a a stable condition.
She's having every test known to man She just won't wake up.
A bit like tonight's audience.
Why aren't I getting anything on Safari, So-goody? Anyway would anyone like to take the card to Debbie in hospital? I'd go myself, but I've got a flotation tank booked.
I'll do it.
Robert, you're a wonderful marvel.
You shouldn't go there, Robert.
Why not? You know why.
Now a bit of good news, Kirsty Wark has got cold feet so guess who's switching on the Eastbourne Christmas lights tonight? Yes, Biggins! Normally we'd have Snow White doing this, but as Debbie's understudy it isn't fair to ask Joanne to do it.
The feedback I've been getting is well, that you're confusing people.
Nobody knows what you're meant to be.
So I shall do the honours myself tonight, with the dwarves around me as dressing.
Quick speech, photo, photo and say goodbye, Gillian.
All right, class? Dismissed.
You've got to tell them, Robert.
It was an accident, Kerry.
Anyway, it's got nothing to do with you.
Robert, there's a letter for you.
What's this? Some fanny mail for Robert? Give me that back.
Oh, you've got groupies sending you their keys now.
None of your business.
Don't you worry, hen.
One day your Prince will come.
All over those little titties, if you're lucky.
Mamma.
Mamma.
It's all right, my little Freddy Fruitcake.
Mummy's here.
Freddy? Are you playing hide and seek? Mamma.
Where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are! Oh! Argh! What have you done to Mummy? You teething already? Agh! FRENZIED MUSIC PLAYS Freddy, stop it! Freddy! Freddy, stop! I think you need some Calpol.
Mamma Ah! No, no Agh! Mamma SHE SHRIEKS Sorry, I was looking for Debbie Hart's room? Debbie? We had a whip-round and got you this.
Well, I think Phil just won it on the pier and kept the money, but I can't prove it.
Anyway, I just wanted to apologise because this is all my fault, but I never meant for you to end up like this.
I am sorry, Debbie.
Truly I am.
DISTANT CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Debbie? Where am I? You're in hospital.
You had an accident.
Who are you? I'm Robert, we Ah, you're are awake.
I'll get Doctor Mekos.
Your boyfriend's got to leave now.
Boyfriend? Yeah.
I'm your boyfriend.
How long? About No, I mean, how long have we been together? Oh, two years.
Really? Lucky me.
Come on.
David, don't get excited, I've got to get my breath back.
Looklook at 'em.
God.
Here, David, come and have a look at this.
Here he is, look.
Your Acid Bath Murderer.
John George Haigh, 1909 to 1949.
They're not scary to look at, are they? He looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
So when's he coming, our next victim? Nine o'clock.
It was a good idea to meet him down here.
You've got everything you need, haven't you? Eh, just think, we could be in here one day.
"David And Maureen Sowerbutts, "mother and son serial killers.
" Yeah.
Don't have 'em put me in dumpy trousers, David, like Rose West.
I want to look decent.
Ruth Ellis has got a nice little skirt on, look.
Ted.
David? David! Right, I'll leave you to it.
Just enjoy it.
Where are you?! Bit of a macabre place to meet.
I like it.
So, what did you want to see me about? You know I done that bad murder at the hotel? Yes, and do you know we've lost business with that hotel now.
They won't have us back.
Fancy you smearing the walls with your own excrement! You could have used Nutella, it's exactly the same.
First we went to see Graham.
He wanted to call the police Yes, well, since Graham's unfortunate accident, I'm in charge of the company so you can deal with me from now on.
Then we went to see Cheryl.
She had a big mouth.
Cheryl never took things seriously enough for my liking.
And, besides, she was getting far too old to be a flapper girl.
And then we went to see Martin.
He got all choked up.
He was only ever good for playing dead bodies.
But he did have a hatchback.
Now we've come to see you.
Well, I'm running things a little more professionally than Graham so if you want your old job back, you'll have to audition, none of this "friend of a friend" business.
Oh, would I have to do a song? No, you can speak-sing, you don't have to be Michael Balls.
But you've come up trumps with this venue, I'll give you that.
This is a perfect place to do a murder.
Yeah, it is.
Have you got Mr Bun the Baker? No.
Fish.
Kelly-Su, have you got Mrs Snuffett, the Undertaker's Wife? No.
Fish.
It's no use, it was a wash-out.
He's clammed up.
He's probably just frightened.
What is there to be frightened of? Shall we go up? I think just leave it.
Well, we've got to do something.
We can't just sit around here all day playing happy families.
All right, all right, let me try.
Yeah, go ahead.
You get up there, Tealeaf.
Remember what's at stake.
Do you mind me asking if one of you needs to pump? I've already asked it, Karen, they won't say.
RUSTLING Ow! Oh! Freddy? SHE GROANS Oh, no.
No.
No! Oh.
Mamma Mamma Ah! Mamma! Agh! SHE SCREAMS Mamma Mamma! Freddy, that's enough now, you're frightening Mummy, Freddy! Joy, I'm back.
It's starting to rain again, hope you've brought your washing in George.
No! George! Dada dead.
SHE GROANS AND GRUNTS Well, done, Freddy.
And that's the end of silly old Mummy.
Silly old Mummy Come and give Dada a kiss! While I was working as a senior surgeon at St Dunstan's Hospital Oh, yeah, where you cut my hand off, red-raw stump, carry on.
I also had a consultancy at a psychiatric hospital.
It was called Ravenhill.
Can you switch the engine on for me, please? ENGINE STARTS All right, switch it off.
The establishment was ruled over by a particularly nasty Governess, Nurse Kenchington.
Kenchington? That's not a real name.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it was.
Edwina Kenchington.
The methods she employed were not only ethically dubious, but downright sadistic.
How's my little mouse this morning? Oh, it hasn't eaten its cheese.
I don't like cheese, Nurse Kenchington.
Can I have some other food, please? I'm starving.
Squeak, squeak.
Nothing but cheese for this little mouse.
She would take patients with the mildest of phobias and induce complete mental collapse.
There's a baby in this room whose nappy needs changing.
Do you think you're ready to do that? Yes, Nurse Kenchington.
Meet Mr Mumford.
Are there any Wet Wipes? She grew increasingly inventive with her cruelty, and I just stood by and did nothing.
It became clear that something had to be done to stop her.
What, so you killed her? The less you know about it, the better.
Because she made a dwarf eat some cheese? Among other things.
Apple bobbing with a halfwit.
Look, you had to be there! COMEDY HORN BEEPS So who's sending these messages? I don't know.
Could be a former member of staff.
It's probably a patient.
Oh, even better! Some lunatic's stalking around my house thinking I've done your murder? Ssshhhh! So what are you going to do about it? I've already made a list of all those who were involved in the incident.
I thought we could track them down and see if anyone else has had any letters.
What do you mean "we"? It's got nothing to do with me, has it? I never had a hand in it.
No, but I suppose you could have had a HOOK in it! MAN IN GLASSES LAUGHS Have you fixed it yet, mate? COMEDY HOOTER BLOWS ALARM RINGS Not yet.
David, come look at this, they've got an actual working guillotine! Come along! David! This could be wonderful You're not going to strangle him, are you? May I recommend Oil of Vitriol? Otherwise known as Sulphuric Acid.
It's so much neater and it won't leave a trace.
Unless you've got gallstones, of course.
That's how they caught you, isn't it? According to your notes.
I'd recommend a little whiff of gas.
CO2 we call it, and then pop them under the floorboards for safe keeping.
I like strangles.
Course you do, kid.
All that power in your fingertips.
Go ahead, kill the son of a bitch.
Use these.
Try not to ladder them.
Oh, pipe down, Albert, you're confusing the boy.
He wants to use acid! David, listen to me, I was played by Sir Richard Attenborough in a film of my life.
Who did he get? Martin Clunes.
He was rather good actually.
Didn't overdo the comedy.
Yeah, they should have got one of the Chuckle Brothers.
Gas and acid, that's for faggots.
Real men use their hands.
Don't listen to him, he has six different personalities.
Shut up! No, you! Oh, you've confused me now, I don't know what to do! Then why not ask the man who was never caught.
CHILLING MUSIC PLAYS It can be such a bore When faced with yet another whore To think of a new method to dispatch her So when I'm feeling grand I change my modus operandi And in that way no-one will ever catch ya! When you've covered all the angles From poisoning to strangles And you haven't yet been dragged into the dock It's always much more thrilling To be inventive with your killing But if they catch you you could get a nasty shock! Instead of trying to restrict him Take a trophy from your victim A clipping of their pubic hairs is good And if you want to cause a ripple Make a belt from ladies nipples And wear it as you dance round in the woods! And while your heart is tripping At the thought of yet more ripping And your hands they might be slipping From the neck they are gripping And the acid it is dripping From the body you are dipping And your trusty spade is flipping All the bodies you are tipping And while you amass your clippings Of DeSalvo, Haigh and Crippen Christie! Sorry! Take some advice from one killer to another There's always someone worse than you In your case it's your mother! David! Have you done it yet? I'm sick of looking at all those royals.
The Queen Mum looks more like John McEnroe.
So what did you do then? Umstrangle.
Strangle? What a waste, I thought you'd have had more fun with it with all this at your fingertips.
Mind you, we've still got one more to do, haven't we? Never mind, come on.
I've got it all worked out, David.
We have the reception down here, and then one by one all the waxworks come alive! It's been done.
So when one of you's having sex, what do you do with the other one? Do you just chuck a duvet over it? No, we come apart with Velcro.
Oh, that's handy.
Well? Nothing.
He wouldn't speak to me.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Why don't I just go up there and smack it out of him? Bob! Either of you two got a cigarette? They're in the van.
Can I get one, please? We're just settled here.
Come on, Kelly-Su.
Be good to, erstretch our legs.
I'll tell you something about those two bitches Have they gone yet? No, we're still here.
DOOR OPENS Have they gone now? They're just DOOR CLOSES Now they've gone.
I'll tell you something about those two bitches.
They're not to be trusted.
They'll promise you one thing, and then stab you in the back.
Isn't that right, Tealeaf? He's gone with them.
Hey? Tealeaf, no! ENGINE REVS Tealeaf! DOG BARKS I thought that fall down the stairs would have killed her.
Fat bitch.
You should leave now, my darling.
The less you touch, the better.
What, not even you? Oh, I'm not saying that.
Now go on, before you get me all hot and bothered.
OK, I know when I'm not wanted.
I'll, er, I'll just go and take Freddy up to bed.
I'll bet he's tired out, aren't you, my little angel? Nicola? Do you know where his clean jim-jams are, George? I think he's got a little bit of nappy rash starting.
What are you doing? Well, we've got to take good care of him, George.
He's our little Freddy now.
Little Freddy Fruitcake.
Oh, God, no! Nicola, please I'm joking! SHE LAUGHS I don't know how you lived with it for so long, George, I really don't.
Yeah, well, those days are over.
And this little bastard can go to his new home - the wheelie bin.
We weren't the only ones that were bidding for Snappy on eBay.
There was another bidder, and Ian sent the toy to him.
Well done, Tealeaf.
Have you got the address? Better than that.
I've got a number.
PHONE RINGS Yes? Can I speak to the owner of Snappy the Crocodile? Speaking.