Psychoville (2009) s02e02 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 2

Keep your voice down.
That pig's been sniffing round.
I think we're missing a book, 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume II.
There's nothing that might help jog her memory even? The important thing is that in the time she has left she has a stress free environment.
Who could have sent it to you? They're all dead.
Perhaps Robin would like to come over tomorrow night.
One thing.
I mustn't touch any peanuts.
I was once hospitalised by a Bakewell tart.
Who is he? Fill me in.
His name's Sharouz and he's Iranian.
Oh, my God.
Will you marry him for me? Have you located the dwarf? Not at present, no.
You've still got a few tricks up your sleeve haven't you? No loose ends, Kelvin.
I bet my agent's been looking for me.
I wonder if I've had any auditions? Apparently Sky are redoing Time Bandits.
Come on, Kerry, just let me go! I am letting you go, Robert.
I'm going to release you from your old life.
What's that mean? You're not going to eat me, are you? No, Robert.
You're going to eat me.
It's a Wiccan love spell.
You're going to love me forever, Robert.
Here we go, the delivery man's been.
I hope they've got everything.
Let's have a look.
Mighty God and Goddess, hear my pleas.
See my heart and know my desire.
I take this poppet and I pass it three times through the smoke of the incense.
Can you light the incense, Grandma? Erm, they didn't have incense so they've done a replacement.
What is it? It's a Glade Air Freshener.
Magnolia vanilla.
Quite nice, actually.
Give us three squirts then.
Here is salt for tears.
And here are rose petals for enduring love.
Did they have rose petals? No.
Flat leaf parsley.
Have they got anything we actually ordered? Now, they didn't have any rosemary, but they sent a big bag of Haribos.
I don't know how they've arrived at that.
Bring it here.
They just fob you off with all the old stock.
Look how withered those parsnips are.
No, they're my fingers.
It's all right.
I'm just trying to find the sell by date on these Yakults.
Sorry I'm late, I got stuck behind a blind Brownie in Paperchase.
Hiya, Shahrouz.
Now, to cut a long story sideways, I've got two cards to show you for the invitations.
One's heavy ivory and the other's got a pink marble effect.
I do have a favourite, but I'm not going to tell you which one.
We weren't going to bother.
It's only going to be you and the witnesses.
You're joking, aren't you? I've got 14 cousins coming over from the Isle of Man! They're looking into Ryan Air flights as we speak.
It's only a registry office, we're going to be in and out.
Keep it simple.
Oh, sorry, I've got the shit end of the stick here.
I thought you wanted the full effect.
No, we just want it really low key, get it over with.
I don't know if it's possible, but we could do it this afternoon.
Today? Yeah, there's been a cancellation.
It works for me because I'm back on Cranford from tomorrow.
I don't know, Chris.
It's such short notice.
What are we going to do about the reception? Get a Chinese? And are you happy with that, Shahrouz, because it's your wedding day too.
I'd better go and and get myself organised, hadn't I? Don't go mad.
It's only a piece of paper.
Course it is.
Just like these, hey? Afternoon, Mr L.
Is that you, Tealeaf? Yeah.
You order cranberry juice? What's that? Never mind.
Oh, these eardrops are useless.
Do you want your post? Is there anything from NASA? Doesn't look like it.
Oh, they're fools to themselves Tealeaf, fools to themselves.
Someone's sent you a page from a book.
Eh? It's the last page.
It's been ripped out.
Just says "the end".
What book is it? Lady Don't Fall Backwards.
Looks like it's a mystery.
Yes, I know it.
Look on the envelope, is there a return address? Yeah.
It's Don't tell me.
23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam.
That's it.
Who lives there? Anthony Aloysius St John Hancock.
He said, "Don't talk to me like that, you're the one who ate a kangaroo's anus on television.
" I said, "That was calamari.
"Don't you know it's all filmed at Shepperton?" Yes, it's done in a studio on the back lot, yes, like Capricorn One.
It's very clever.
I'd better go.
I've got a man hovering.
Bye, Matthew.
Matthew Kelly.
So, can I help you? Detective Inspector Finney, Metropolitan Police.
I'm trying to trace one of your cast members.
Robert Greenspan? Oh, yes, little Blusher.
I'm afraid you're a bit late, he skipped town already.
Got involved in a love triangle from what I gather.
I try not to fraternise.
You don't know where he is now? I've no idea, but I can give you his agent's telephone number.
Did you see him wearing a locket? It would have had a letter K on it.
No, the Biggins rule is no jewellery allowed.
I once saw Bonnie Langford nearly lose an eye on a swinging Tiffany pendant, it was horrific.
Well, thank you.
You've been most helpful.
Oh, one last thing.
Yes? Do they really film it all at Shepperton? It's been years since I did a proper dinner party.
When your dad was alive, I was a right Fanny Craddock.
Will Robin want cheese and crackers? I've only got Laughing Cow.
I don't think he'll get as far as the cheese.
That's true.
I'm crushing a full jumbo bag of peanuts into his Angel Delight, that'll do the trick.
I'm putting it into this dish with fishes on.
Just in case you end up serving him.
Why would I end up serving him? I'm having a drink tonight, David.
I've worked all day preparing this meal.
You shouldn't be drinking, Mam.
Not in your condition.
What condition? I'm as fit as a flea, doctor said so.
Bottoms up.
Hello, David.
Sorry I'm a bit early.
Oh, now you remember Emily, don't you? Yes, I do.
Erm, I was rather hoping Emily might join us.
For dinner? Yes.
I thought perhaps she could take minutes.
To do what? Well, there's lots to discuss, besides which, I think I might be in there, as they say.
Mum, there's a girl here as well.
Well, that's all right, isn't it? I'm sure we've got enough to go round.
I wasn't sure what we were having so I brought one of each.
Buy one get one free.
Well, if you'd like to go through and sit soft, and I'll send David out shortly to circulate with the crudities.
What are we going to do? Two for the price of one.
And do we have a match? Thank you! Let's give Emma a big hand! Here, have this one.
Can I have it back, actually? I need it back.
I only say that as part of the act.
Get the stripper on! All right.
He's on in a minute.
I've seen him getting ready.
Talk about red raw stump.
Now then, for this next trick I need the assistance of someone with whom I have never met before.
Any volunteers? No, no.
Oh, come on.
There must be someone! What about you, madam? Oh! Oh! Sorry, I I dropped off.
Is it my bit now? Shut up.
Round of applause for this young lady! Now then Wait a minute, I were on the other side of you before, weren't I? Oh, no, we swapped it round, didn't we, because of your hook? Go on.
We've never met each other before, have we? No.
That's right.
So I'd like to do a bit of mind-reading for you, if I may? Oh, that sounds nice.
So, if I can give you this.
I want you to To think of a shape and I've to draw Let me tell you.
Just draw a simple shape on there.
Don't let me see it.
Tell me when you're done.
Oh, I love the smell of these.
Just do your picture, and I'm going to read your mind.
I've done it! Right, before you turn over your pad You definitely thought of that thing you had to think of? I did.
You didn't change your mind? No.
Turn over your pad.
LAUGHTER Oh, what's that? I thought you were thinking of a cat.
Well, I were.
But it were really scratching me, so I put it in a box.
Well, there you go.
Two cats.
But with one in a box.
Thank you, you can sit back down now.
Can I wait in the car, actually? I'm really frozzed in here.
Have you got the key? Yeah.
What's this? It's the display you asked for, Ma'am.
So we can keep track of the investigation.
No, no, no, this is Prime Suspect! It's the 21st century, we're not hunting the Yorkshire Ripper.
Where's my plasma screen? It's It's on order, Ma'am.
And I want to operate it from a button under here somewhere.
Now where are we? Well, we think we've located Robert Greenspan, he's the, er the, the little The dwarf, you can say it.
Yes, and we expect to have questioned him by the end of the day.
Keep me posted.
Ah, good, the Sony catalogue's arrived.
And if he doesn't know anything Ma'am? Hmm? Oh, kill him.
290 centimetres.
What's that in inches then? MOBILE VIBRATES Hello? Look, I told you not to ring me again.
I can't see you tonight, I'm going to the opera with Charles.
Of course I still love you, that's the problem.
Please don't call me.
No, don't even next.
It's over.
Who are you? Get out of my room! GUNSHOTS Sorry, what am I meant to do now? You're meant to fall down dead.
You've just been shot.
That's it, sorry, I couldn't There's so much to think about.
All right, cut.
We have to reset the squibs.
Sorry, everyone! I think I got my line wrong anyway.
Didn't I say next instead of text? Oh, God, I look such a mess.
No, you don't.
You look beautiful.
We all missed you.
It wasn't the same after you and Kerry left.
They didn't recast you know, they just put on two garden gnomes, which I think was a bit do you? I'm sorry about that.
It got a bit confusing, what with your accident and everything.
I know.
I'm a lot better now, but I'm still having trouble with my lines.
Sarah! Look if we lose this, if this goes and if this goes and if this goes, we can lose the bitch by Thursday.
So, just do it.
Listen, Debbie.
I want you to look after something for me.
All right, but I am allergic to cats.
No, it's not alive.
A dead cat? I'm not sure, Robert.
How did it die? It's not it's this.
That's pretty.
What does the H stand for? It's a K.
Is it? Looks like an H.
No, it's definitely a K.
Ah, did Kerry give it to you? No, it's another K.
MAN SCREAMS To be honest, I stole it from someone a couple of years ago.
Don't ask me why, I just took it.
But she was already dead.
Like the cat.
Oh, no, that's a curly C, isn't it? Biggins rang to tell me the police have been asking about it, so I need someone to look after it for me, just for a little while.
Of course! Don't worry, it'll be safe with me.
Can we come on, please?! Line up.
I've got to go.
Well, it was lovely seeing you again! Are you busy? I've got an audition this afternoon, for Time Bandits.
But if you ever fancy you know, grabbing a drink? Yes.
We should do a reunion.
All of the you.
Not the gnomes.
Just the live ones.
That'd be nice.
Got to go! Debbie, you forgot this.
What is it? That's pretty.
Is that an H? This is Jeremy Goode from Brooke Street Library.
Just to let you know that 50 Great Coast Walks Of The British Isles is still outstanding and the fine stands at 35 pence, made payable in full when you return the book.
If I don't hear from you, I'll call you again in ten minutes.
Excuse me, dear, I wonder if you could help me.
I'm looking for a book for my grandson.
It's the final one about the boy who's a wizard, erm Oh, you know the one.
No, sorry.
He's a boy with glasses on.
And they made a film of it.
He does magic and he has a friend with ginger hair.
Oh, you must know, it's very famous.
I promised I would pick it up for him, you see.
He's in the hospital and I just can't recall.
Lord Of The Rings? No, that's not it.
P P Mary Poppins? No.
No, he has a scar there.
Oh, please help me.
Is it 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume II? That book's on loan although it is overdue.
I'll just call and see if I can't find out for you.
No, it's not a study book, it's fiction.
Harry Potter! It's Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter! That's it! Thank you.
No need to be such a prick about it, was there, dear? She's here.
Oh, thank God for that.
Are we ready, then? She just asked me to play this.
This is my moment This is my perfect moment with you This is what God meant This is my perfect moment with you Hello, Hattie.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
Welcome, Hattie, Shahrouz.
Before we begin, I always like to get this question out of the way first.
Is there any person here present who knows of any just or lawful reason why these two persons should not be joined in matrimony? Let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
(Don't worry.
I won't say anything.
) The artist.
The blood donor, the missing page.
Bacon radio? The radio ham.
How much do you know about Hancock? Not a lot.
I saw that Will Smith film.
No, that was ridiculous! Totally miscast.
No, Tony Hancock was a popular British actor and comedian who had a failed stab at a Hollywood career and took his own life in 1968.
Oh, yeah, you hate him, don't you? Yes, I do.
He was my best friend.
We met in the Air Force in 1942, auditioned for ENSA together.
Tony was always ambitious, but I just wanted the quiet life.
After the war, I settled down with a little Wren I'd met in Weston.
Tony was my best man.
Godfather to our kiddie too.
Until the accident.
Ironic, really.
Little Billy was nine years old, fell out of a tree, lost a lot of blood.
They needed a donor fast, so I volunteered, but they said no.
Wrong blood type.
My wife said, "We'd better call Tony.
" What, he was the father? Yes.
I loved that boy with all my heart, but I walked out on him that day and I've never seen him since.
Billy Lomax ceased to exist.
But Billy Hancock Well, I never knew what became of himuntil now.
So, you mean he's the one who's been sending you this stuff? Oh, he's been trying to contact me for years.
Wants to get his claws into my commodities, but I won't let him.
You promise me, Tealeaf, promise me you'll never let him inside this house! OK, OK, whatever, chill out, bro.
What do you want me to do with this stuff? Bin it! In with the plums.
You've not eaten much of your main, Robin, are you not hungry? I'm still rather full after the first course, to be honest.
Some people wouldn't serve porridge as a starter, but we love it, don't we? Yeah.
It can be savoury or sweet.
It was delicious, thank you.
Er, what's in this? It's just lumps of fish finger.
David nibbles all the breadcrumbs off, then I plop them in a Marie Rose sauce.
That's lovely.
It's me own recipe.
It's salad cream with ketchup mixed in.
Tip for you, Emily.
Can we have the puddings now? No, let the mains go down, David, everyone's stuffed.
I want it! All right.
You get it out the fridge.
We'll side these plates.
Sorry to drag you into all this, Emily.
Remember, the pudding with the peanuts is the dish with the fish.
The two that are blue are for me and for you.
What about Emily? Nothing rhymes with that, just give her a pear.
HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF Everything all right, David? Um, yeah.
The two that are blue are for me and for you.
This is the dish for Emily's fish.
Oh, I don't want any pudding, thanks.
So blue for the Robin and blue for the guest.
You have the pear and I'll have the rest.
Now I have two.
What's going on? Who's got what? I'm not sure, but I think the pair that are blue This one is yours.
And these are ours.
Now eat up, everyone.
Mmm I'm sorry that's rock hard, it's just come out the fridge.
Hello? Hello.
Next time, try and remember what we rehearsed.
All right.
It's late for me, is this.
I'm normally tucked up.
You all right getting back in? Don't worry about me.
All right, then.
Same time tomorrow.
We'll have a go at that zigzag lady.
MOBILE PHONE: 'I am J-O-L-L-Y, I am J-O-L-L-Y, 'I think I'm, I'm sure I am, I am J-O-L-L-Y.
' Hello? 'Am I speaking to Mr Jolly?' Yeah.
'I have a client who wishes to arrange a booking.
'Are you available tomorrow afternoon?' Um, just let me check that for you.
Yeah, it looks like I'm free.
Whose party is it? 'I will text you the details once I have confirmed with the client.
'Do you wish for a wire transfer or cash?' Cash.
Actual cash would be better for me.
Um, can I ask, how much is the tariff? 'It will be the usual.
1,200 euros'.
Um does that include petrol money? RETCHING FROM BATHROOM So How long have you worked for, er what's his name, Robin? Not long, actually.
I saw an advert in the paper.
Apparently, the company lost a lot of members recently.
LAUGHS: They certainly have, haven't they, David? Mum! What? I'm just trying to get the party going.
Sorry about that.
I think perhaps the dessert may have contained some nuts.
No, it was banana flavour.
But wouldn't you have died if you'd eaten nuts? No, it's not an allergy, it's a gastric reaction.
I'll be fine in the morning.
Well, thanks for a lovely evening.
You're not going! Haven't done any games yet, or singing.
Mum, I think we need to let them go.
You're boring, David.
He never wants me to have any fun.
We have got work in the morning Sit down, you! It's party time.
David, fetch the green suitcase from under the bed.
Don't, Mum.
Yes, they're seeing it! They won't like it.
I'll get it myself.
She's not well.
She's justletting her hair down.
This is your fault.
What's it got to do with me? You shouldn't have sent her the letter.
It's set her off.
What's this? I never sent her this.
What does it mean? What have you done? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Tina Turner! RECORDING: # I call you, I need you And my heart's on fire You come to me, come to me wild and wire Mum, sit down.
Oh, shut up! Come on, Emily.
You shouldn't be doing this.
The doctor said What did he say? "Don't do your Tina? "Don't have any fun"? Please! You don't realise You're simply the best, whoo Mum! .
Better than all the rest Stop it! Why should I? Because you've got cancer! MUSIC STOPS ROBIN PASSES WIND I'm so sorry.
Do you want a hand with the tidying up? Just go now, please.
I don't mind Get out.
How long have I got? I don't know.
Not long, the doctor said.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Those'll need putting in the fridge, and, um if you could do the bins for me, David.
I think I'll go to bed.
I should take this off, actually, could have my eye out.
I once heard this horrible story about Bonnie Langford