Psychoville (2009) s02e04 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 4

Goes in here when you're done.
You've still got a few tricks up your sleeve, haven't you, Jolly? I've had a call from the man at the Home Office who is processing your visa.
He's suspicious about our wedding.
Should I convert you? Husbands sleep with their wives, Shahrouz.
I have a great aunt, who's left me some money in her will.
You want me to murder her? You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
My mum's not well.
I don't want her to suffer any more.
Who are you? Where is 50 Great Coastal Walks of the British Isles Volume Two? Please! Aaargh! Hello, it's Peter Bishop from Hoiti Toyti's.
We need to talk.
This is a treat.
What is it? Breakfast smoothie.
Saw it on Jamie Oliver's.
Are you sure it shouldn't be blended? Don't know.
It's good for your poo.
That's Gillian McKeith.
So, where you going today? Madagascar.
Madagascar? Why? See some friends.
Hah! You haven't got any friends.
Yes, I have.
Bobby's not your friend, he's the postman.
What's going on, David? Why are you lying to me? I'm not! I'm going to Madagascar to have lunch with a friend.
I'll see you tonight.
Go on, leave me then.
I'll try and stay alive till you get back.
Bye-bye, then.
Fetch me a fork, I want to mush up this smoothie! Hello, Mr Yakamoto? BELL RINGS Can you hear me? It's a very bad line.
Yes, it's an original Simpsons chess set.
Oh, yes, it's in excellent condition, except one of the Marges has a chip in her hair.
No, no, not a potato chip! Can you hear me? Oh, he's gone.
He was just starting to nibble as well.
I'm sorry, I only know you as Tealeaf.
Oscar was a very good customer of mine, and one I was proud to call a friend.
You said you wanted to see me? Yes, it's about Oscar.
I don't think it was suicide.
Follow me.
Now, I have something down here I want to show you, but you mustn't be frightened.
No, you're all right, bruv.
I'm not into all that.
HE LAUGHS This way.
It's not a room full of beanie toys, is it? Not quite.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Chloe, breakfast's ready.
What are you doing, darling? Looking for a book.
One of your schoolbooks? No, it's from the library.
Well, leave it now and come and have breakfast.
I can't! The man said the Jabberwocky would get me.
What man? The man in my room.
What? Mum, take Lucy out for her walk, will you? I need to talk to Chloe.
Yes, all right.
Come here, darling.
Now slowly tell me what happened.
Hoiti Toyti's is just a front.
Yes, some of the collectibles turn in a decent profit, but it's pin money compared to this.
I'm not proud of it, but this stuff makes me thousands.
And people buy this shit? You'd be surprised.
Judges, teachers, a lollipop lady who just likes the flags.
We have our own secure website - Naz-eBay.
I've even traded with one or two celebrities.
And was Mr Lomax into all this? No, he'd have never approved.
Then why are you showing me? Have you ever heard of Operation Paperclip? Yeah, it's that game where you have to take the bones out without touching the sides.
No, that's just Operation, MB Games.
Oh, I've got one upstairs actually, but the box is slightly hazed.
Operation Paperclip was a codename given to a secret project to recruit German scientists after the Second World War.
Now, Nazi doctors were excluded, but a lot of them had their records bleached and the government turned a blind eye.
This man here Oh! Angel, Islington - I've been looking for that.
This man here, Dr Friedrich Ehrlichmann, was a brilliant neurosurgeon who studied under Josef Mengele.
He should have been tried for war crimes, but instead he was brought over to England and allowed to continue his work.
He was put in charge of a psychiatric hospital, and his patients there were his guinea pigs.
What, and that hospital was? Yes.
He was even allowed to bring his only child.
What What time is it? It's ten o'clock.
I'd better get to work.
Um, I've made you a coffee.
It's Moroccan.
It's strong, but I love it.
I too must go to work.
I have morning shift.
No, you can't leave, Shahrouz.
I must or they fire me.
No, I mean you literally can't leave.
I've chained your leg to the radiator.
What?! What?! Now, let me explain to you why I had to do that.
You see that woman down there? She's been spying on us all morning.
She's from the Home Office.
She's got a camera in her hat, I've seen it flashing.
She's trying to catch us out.
But why can I not leave the house? Because she'll talk to you, Shahrouz, and she'll bamboozle you into admitting things.
You're better off staying here till she goes.
Now, I've given you enough length to get to the toilet, and I've put some cold meats on the cabinet.
There's ham, pork and pickles.
I cannot eat these! You're going to have to have crackers, then, Shahrouz.
I can't think of everything! Look, I'll be back at nine o'clock tonight and I'll bring us a curry.
OK? But the chain is Oh, fuck me sideways, she's looking.
Erm, quickly! Come and give me a kiss.
She's not going to believe that, Shahrouz.
Do it like you mean it.
A real long one.
Yeah, I think we got away with that.
But she's leaving.
And look who's taking over.
Oh, my God, there's two of them.
Look me in the eye, tell me you love me and you'll be waiting for me.
But They can lip-read, Shahrouz, they're not daft.
Do it! I love you.
I will be waiting for you when you get back.
That's it.
You see, they're going now.
Well done.
We make a good team, don't we? I'll see you later.
Your clothes are downstairs in the wash, but don't worry, you're not going to need them.
Bye! Husband! So, you didn't know Mr Lomax was a patient at Ravenhill? No, I just thought he was off doing the International Toy Fair.
I never made the connection till I read it in the newspaper this morning.
So, I decided to "Gooble" it, and I got some very interesting hits.
Do you call them hits? Oh, it's, erm All right Now, look, see.
Bristol Evening News, "Midwife stabbed in tragic pencil accident.
" Camden Times, "Pantomime dwarf throws himself off bridge.
" The Ilkley Gazette "Local toy millionaire commits suicide.
" Three ex-Ravenhill patients dead in the same month.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
Do you? It must have something to do with Kenchington's locket.
What's that? The night in the hospital, she was going on about a missing locket.
Maybe someone's after it.
But why? MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Yo, Teabag! It's me, Mr J! Sorry, who? Mr Jelly.
How's it going, my man? Hope it's all dangling down.
What you talking about? The schnizzle.
Just talk to me normally, please.
Listen, you know you were talking about Kenchington having all that money stashed away? Yeah.
Well, I found out that her precious son, Mr Jolly, was doing illegal organ transplants on the side, getting paid shitloads.
Really? Yeah.
You know how much you can get for a frozen kidney? Never mind about that.
I need you to listen to me.
I think our lives might be in danger.
Hi, Richard.
Have you got everything you need? I think so.
I wouldn't mind getting a bigger flat, but the lease doesn't come up until No, I meant here, in this situation.
Oh, yes.
I'm good, thanks.
I'm just waiting for some make-up.
It should be pretty straightforward.
We've got a built-in half-hour delay, so should there be any mistakes, we can go again.
Should there be any mistakes? Yes.
So, you want some mistakes? No, but should there be any That's what I'm asking.
No, we don't want any mistakes.
I thought so.
It's sometimes good to check, though, isn't it? Yeah.
I suppose it is.
All right.
I'll see you out there.
Sorry I'm late.
Thanks, Richard.
I was just speaking to my husband.
He rings me every five minutes.
I'm like, "Shahrouz, you're too clingy, you've got to give me some space.
" Right, erm, which one of you is the lady who's been raped three times cos I'm meant to do her second.
I thought it was you cos you've got, like, a sad face, haven't you? Which means you must be Debbie Hart.
Debbie Hart, got you.
Come on, Hattie.
Think what you're doing.
Let's have a look.
So, um, yeah, I like it.
It's quite natural.
It's like a no make-up make-up, isn't it? A bit of product in your hair, maybe.
Whatever you want.
You're the expert.
Don't say that.
You'll put me off.
I like your locket.
It's nice.
Quite ethnic-y, isn't it? What does the H stand for? Is it an H? I can't tell.
I'd like to get one of those for my husband, Shahrouz.
You know, with me being a Hattie.
I just got married, you see.
Oh, congratulations! Thank you.
What have you got in there? Just a picture of your boyfriend? No, I don't know what's in it.
I can't open it.
Oh, give over.
Do you want me to open it for you? If you like.
Sometimes it's just a question of trying to force something into the crack.
Sorry, that's not against you.
Her hair needs washing.
Now then.
Oh, hang on, it's coming.
It's nearly there.
We're ready for you now.
We'll never know now, will we?! Well, thanks for trying.
See you later.
Oh, and Sam.
Sorry, I'm going to need 20 to 45 minutes on my rape victim, because It's a complete makeover.
OK, no worries.
Right, sweetheart.
Let's have a look at you.
Will you do me a favour, please, and just try to smile one time? I need to see where your laugh lines are.
That's it, good girl! So, tell me about these rapes.
PHONE RINGS 'Hello, Rachel.
'This is Jeremy Goode from Brooke Street Library.
' What have you done with Lucy? That's right, yes.
Well, I can remember where she is for now.
But I might forget.
That depends.
Can you remember where you put things? Where did you put 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume Two? What does it matter? Just buy a replacement.
'I've told you we can't find it.
' It's a shame you said that, Rachel, because I probably won't be able to find Lucy, then.
Maybe I'll remember where parts of her are.
Yes, I'll do that.
If I find her tail, I'll send you her tail.
If I find her ears, I'll send you her ears.
Do you see how this is now? You've got 24 hours.
Otherwise, you'll be buying a replacement Lucy.
Or maybe you could put the old one back together again, like a jigsaw.
Thank you.
Let's hope she finds it.
Wipe my bum.
Come on.
We haven't got much time.
What's going on? Have we got a gig? I haven't got time to explain, but if you stay, your life could be in danger.
Why? Are they doing them salmon fishcakes again? I told them, they ought to use tinned.
Fred West's.
John West.
Get your slippers on.
Where are we going at this hour? We're going on a little adventure.
Do as you're told! Is it going to be hot? Will I need sun cream? No! I don't know.
Just bring a change of clothes.
What's going on, dear? We're going on a trip.
You're supposed to pack a few things.
Ooh, lovely.
Pat can come, can't she? Eh? No it's just you! Oh, don't be rotten.
Well, I'll be no trouble.
Just so long as I've got my pads.
Bring a lipstick, Pat.
Don't bring a lipstick, Pat.
It's going to be cold, apparently.
Oh, what am I going to wear? All my woollens are packed, my dear.
Here, slip my cardy on.
I might buy a leather jacket.
What? Thanks.
Turn that off! It's far too dark, dear, can't see a thing.
Now, is there a swimming pool? I mean, do I have to have my bathing costume? No! Where's she gone? Mrs Sowerbutts? Hello? What are you doing? I'm getting Mrs Price.
No, she can't come.
No more! Oh, no, I've got to invite her.
She'll be livid.
It'll be Fountains Abbey all over again.
Whoo-oo, Jean.
Are you decent? She's using one of her devices.
Oh, Jesus! It's like something out of Saw.
WHISTLING Mrs Sowerbutts? RADIO IS ON Mrs Sowerbutts? Oh, hello, dear.
Just give me five minutes.
We're going on a trip.
I'm just here to do a little mopping up.
She says she's nearly there.
Only a couple of minutes off.
Don't fret.
We won't go without you.
Will you please be quiet?! We're just waiting on Pat and then we can get going.
We're not waiting on Pat.
We have to! She's packed her pads now.
Oh, Pat and her pads! It's not a Saga holiday, this is life or death.
Oh, come on, Jean.
Wind it up! Wipe my bum.
I've wiped it 16 times already.
Wipe my bum! I've wiped it and wiped it.
There's nothing there.
I don't want to wipe it any more.
It'll just get sore.
They should do a Panorama on this.
It's a disgrace.
They did a Dogwatch on them fishcakes, but it never came to anything.
It's Watchdog.
Give me your bag.
Come on.
She's already dead.
Wipe her bum.
Mrs Price never would have managed this.
She's agoraphobic.
What a surprise! She doesn't like wide open spaces.
Neither do I after what I've seen.
Come on.
It's done.
She didn't know anything.
Barely knew her own name.
Who's next, the clown or the kid? All right.
I'll get onto it.
Well, you could move the old lady over to your ever-growing corpse column.
In fact, you can move the whole lot.
The plasma screen's arrived.
Do you want me to start uploading all the data, Ma'am? First things first, Kelvin.
There's a Frasier double bill on Channel 4+1.
Mum? Mum, I'm back.
Madagascar was shut.
Mum? Oh, where the bloody hell have you been? That it? Yes.
Where did you find it? My husband had it.
In his office.
It just got buried under some papers.
No system, you see.
Got to have a system.
Do you ever see the Silent Singer, Rachel? No.
I do.
When things aren't right.
I've been seeing him a lot lately.
Too much, actually.
I hope he'll go away for a bit now we've found the book.
Let me have Lucy first.
She's all right.
Aren't you, girl? Volume one? No! Ah! Can you find the end on that, David? I've got no nails.
Oh, it's a right faff this, isn't it? It's worse than Christmas.
You couldn't do this every day, could you? It would cost a fortune in bin bags.
What did you have to do this for? It was dog eat dog.
He was trying to kill me, David.
No, he wasn't! He was bringing you this.
Disabled parking badge.
He worked for the council.
I've been at them for ages to get me one of these.
I know.
I was trying to help.
I don't want you to die.
Why would I want you to die? Everybody dies, David.
I'm no different.
Now, do you want to keep his willy? 'Let's talk about your book.
Yes! Smells Like Debbie! 'Smells Like Debbie.
'Now, there's an interesting story to this.
'This book started out as a perfume.
It did start out as a perfume.
'I really wanted to make a perfume because everyone's' always saying to me, "Debbie, Debbie, you smell amazing.
" So someone made the perfume.
And then, unfortunately, it brought people out in hives.
But no animals were hurt during it, just people, but they were already ill.
PHONE RINGS Hello, Hoiti Toyti's? It's me.
Put Channel Five on now.
You know you showed me that picture of Kenchington wearing that locket? Yes.
That's the one, isn't it? Oh, my God! You've found it.
What's happening now? It's just tuning all the channels in, Ma'am.
Come on! Hang on.
Can we go back a second? Leave it! I want all the channels.
Actually, is there any way of not having BBC Three? I have to say, I think you're really brave.
I was raped once.
On Holby.
I found it really distressing.
You have to provide your own transport.
Here we go.
I've done it.
It was all rusted up.
Is there anything in it? I dunno.
Just a load of bits.
Smells like Smells like Sugar Puffs.
What would someone keep that for? No idea.
You can put something nice in that now.