QI (2003) s11e01 Episode Script
Knees and Knockers
Gooooood evening! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight is a khaotic klutter of K-words.
Let's klock the kontestants.
The kind-hearted Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The kallipygian Jack Whitehall.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The knowledgeable David Mitchell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And knock me down with a kangaroo, it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And this week's call signs are all K creatures.
Sara goes BIRD SCREECHING Do you know what that is? - Is it a bird? - Yes.
OK.
It's a bird.
Famous movie, kind of British, wonderful.
The man who was in love with a kestrel.
- Shorten kestrel to the - JACK: Kes.
- Kes, yeah.
- Oh, that was my question! But that was the film.
Very good.
And Jack goes BIRD CACKLES You probably know that.
OK, that is Kevin Bacon getting into really hot water.
I'd know that sound anywhere.
- He likes it lukewarm.
- He does.
- Kookaburra.
- Is the right answer.
It's a kookaburra.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- David goes BUZZING Is that a Klingon spacecraft? Killer bee.
- Killer bee? - Exactly, there you go.
And Alan goes GROWLING That's a genuine animal recording.
- Kangaroo? - No.
- Koala? - Yes! - Yes, come on! It's a koala.
Who'd have thought that a koala sounded like that? Anyway, there we go.
Just before we start, I've got a bit of very good news for you, David, cos your old nemesis Colin, the QI scorer, has been replaced by a new scorer called Murray, who happens to be a huge fan of yours.
So I think that bodes well for this evening.
- Well, I'm very glad to hear it, yes.
- Excellent, yeah.
You've told me too late to bribe him.
What happened to Colin though? Why isn't he? He's been promoted, actually.
He's now probably counting votes in the House of Lords.
Or something similar.
We're one step away from the House of Lords.
Yes, we are, exactly.
I think this programme would be an excellent house of reform.
It would, wouldn't it? You know, just let all the legislation come before us, we'll fiddle with it.
Hopefully, you know, gag it up a bit.
- Yeah.
- Send it on to the Queen.
Exactly.
"My governmentwill find six penises on this particular insect.
" That's what it tends to be about on QI.
Anyway, let's kick off.
What is this? It's a noise, listen out carefully.
KLAXON SOUNDS And beginning with K.
BIRD CACKLES - Yeah? - A klaxon.
Oh! KLAXON SOUNDS Ha-ha! In a strange sort of way, pop just ate itself, didn't it? A klaxon gave a klaxon.
We call it the klaxon, it's not actually a klaxon.
- Is that a brand name? - Brilliant.
- Like with a Tannoy or a Hoover? - You're absolutely right.
- Oh, OK.
- Just like Tannoy or Hoover.
- So what is it, an alarm? - It's basically a siren, a noise, an alarm noise, exactly.
- OK.
A Klaxon has a very specific sound which belongs to a company called Lovell-McConnell Manufacturing.
They were first fitted to cars.
And they were the first electric thing ever to be attached to - an automobile, the Klaxon.
- So what is? So they needed an alarm before a light? The sound we heard was just, you'd just call it some general word, but technically it's not a Klaxon.
Now, automobiles, America.
The land of the free, the land of the automobile, as you can imagine in places like Pennsylvania they must have welcomed them when they arrived, yes? No.
No.
Is the right answer.
Alan, you're really getting the hang of this.
- I've played this before.
- Yes.
- You have to intuit.
- You would be astounded by the Farmers' Anti Automobile Association of Pennsylvania, with its list of impractical requirements for motorists.
Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile.
And then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
The driver may then proceed with caution, blowing his horn and shooting off roman candles.
If the driver of an automobile sees a team of horses approaching, he is to stop, pull to one side of the road - And kill himself.
- Almost.
.
.
cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover, which is painted or coloured to blend into the scenery.
In case a horse is unwilling to pass an automobile on the road, the driver of the car must take the machine apart as rapidly as possible, and conceal the parts in the bushes.
They really didn't want motorcars in Pennsylvania.
Honking the horn, is that a sensible safe thing to do, - does it avoid accidents? - No, it'll frighten the horses.
Well, obviously, let's assume we're talking about now, - when there aren't any, or very few.
- Wouldn't it raise aggression, hearing a loud noise makes you probably release adrenaline, and then your instincts would be flawed, I would have thought.
- I think you're absolutely right - Have you ever driven in Italy? - Oh, yeah.
- I've been on tour in Italy and the word "go" is "die" in Italy.
- Avante.
- Die, die, die! You're like, "Fuuuck! "We're all 19 and I'm not a driver.
" No, but you're absolutely right, there is no evidence that using the horn contributes to safety.
There's something interesting with police sirens, isn't there? Because they It's two different notes, - and the reason is - Yeah.
- If you hear one note for a long time, - you can't tell where it's coming from.
- That's exactly right, you genuinely can't tell.
You say, "Is that in front of me, or is it behind me?" You just don't know.
In America, they have a very good rule when you hear a siren, on the road, you just simply stop driving.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And go and have a meal.
But it somehow works out incredibly well and the emergency vehicle weaves through.
- DAVID: But they have wider roads.
- They have much wider roads.
But it does work fantastically, and everybody does it.
I usually try and see which of the emergency services it is and then decide.
Oh, it's only an ambulance, they don't count.
Or it's only a fireman.
What is that? Fire engine.
DAVID: If it's the police, there's something sort of vaguely right wing about it.
- I don't know.
- So where were we? Yes.
Horn sounding does not, it seems, contribute to the safety of drivers at all.
In Britain, we're actually, we have almost zero tolerance of hooting your horn.
But even more intolerant were the Nazis.
And in 1936, they started putting They're not known for their intolerance! No, I know, it's quite surprising.
But we thought we knew GERMAN ACCENT: "This whole thing has become intolerable.
"A new camp, I think.
" We thought we knew everything they were intolerant of, but it turns out even hooting your horn, they would punish the driver by putting yellow dots on their car.
It was like a sign, like, "He is a hooter, "he sounds his horn," and people would turn their back.
I've completely changed my opinion of the Nazis.
I thought they were a pretty reasonable bunch of guys, but this yellow dot business! It is just, they're shocking, aren't they? Anyway, there you go.
So the QI klaxon isn't a Klaxon at all.
Now everyone knows what knees, knuckles and kidneys are, but what's the point of these less familiar K-parts of the body? Kiesselbach's plexus.
The valves of Kerckring.
The end-bulbs of Krause.
The pores of Kohn.
That is the best nickname for someone's balls ever.
Behold the End-Bulbs of Krause! Kneel before the End-Bulbs of Krause.
Kneel before them! Are these not all Star Trek movies? No, I know, it does.
Star Trek 19.
- Down the years.
- The Valves of Kerckring.
Kiesselbach's Plexus.
They are magnificent names.
They are all parts of the human anatomy.
The valves of Kerckring are actually folds.
Would that help you at all? - Where do we have lots and lots of folds? - Intestines? - Yes.
Well done.
Get in there! - Yes! You got in there with our smaller gut.
There it is, the valves of Kerckring.
This is like the QI version of that game Operation.
Yes.
Bzzzz! So what had Kerckring done that someone named disgusting, shitty bits of the body after him? He was a 17th century Dutch anatomist, who was a friend and co-evil of the philosopher Spinoza.
And, as you know from those wonderful Rembrandt paintings, anatomy was a big subject in Holland, they were fascinated and curious.
Some fantastic discoveries being made, and one of them was this lower intestine, which is 22 feet long and a few inches wide.
But if unfolded, it would cover a tennis court.
- Just yours.
- DAVID: But surely that's A tennis court! And mine.
Well, two tennis courts.
The whole of the tennis court, or just the lines? No, the whole of the tennis court.
Including for doubles play.
It's pretty astonishing, isn't it? What's interesting about the intestines, we used to be herbivores, which is why we have so much intestine.
Because when you only eat plants, you have to take a really long time digesting them to get everything out of them.
- Absolutely.
- Now we're carnivores, and this is sometimes why we have digestive problems, in terms of dairy and stuff.
But giant pandas, who are carnivores, they have very - Are they? - They were carnivores.
- Were they? - We're one of only three species that have changed over, one to the other.
It's us, pandas and a squirrel.
Squirrels used to be carnivore? - A kind of squirrel that I can't remember.
- Oh, right.
Giant pandas, that's why they have so much problems, cos they have a short intestine, without these flaps, so they only eat bamboo, which goes straight through them, meaning they have to eat it all day long.
- It's so boring for them.
- That's why they never have sex.
- Yeah, exactly.
- As we all know, you cannot have sex on indigestion.
It's impossible.
You definitely get points for that.
It's completely true.
DAVID: What happened that the pandas gave up on meat? Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.
I mean, it's not working very well for them, evolution.
You're going to get ecologically cross with them now.
- I mean, it seems - They took a wrong step.
.
.
idiotic.
They can't There's like 25 minutes a year they can have sex and it will work, if they can be bothered, which they never can.
- They look ridiculous.
- Oh, they're gorgeous! Let's not bring looks into this.
I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? That's what makes them so lovely.
You're not going, ah, they're the wise panda.
Never mind what the panda thinks, the panda's an idiot.
Maybe they eat it If you want to make Bungle in Rainbow seem high status, bring on a panda.
I'm with David on this.
If you're in danger, you eat what you get.
Like, if a rhino turned round and was like, "Sorry, no carbs before Marbs," then it deserves to die.
Young person reference.
I think they probably used to eat things that don't exist any more.
DAVID: Oh, like dinosaurs.
Little dinosaurs.
Yeah.
Lovely little crunchy ones.
Who really liked pandas.
They used to go up and go, "Ah, look, really Oh!" That would, that would be evolution - - you evolved to look cute to something you want to eat.
- Yes.
- Like, you know - Anyway, back to parts of the body.
Those are the Valves of Kerckring.
What about these, then, the pores of Kohn.
- The bell ends of - No, we're going to come to the bell ends, Alan.
Wait for the bell ends.
They will come, but the pores of Kohn.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know what's going to come out.
I never know what's going to issue from me.
It's another ring tone, I can't wait.
That is Twitter in a nut shell.
I'm so sorry.
Aye, aye, aye.
The pores of Kohn are incredibly important.
We need them deeply.
- But they're not pores - They are holes in the surface of the skin.
Not in the skin, those are where we have, obviously, millions of pores.
- DAVID: They're an internal pore.
- They're internal pores.
- Sara: Is it on bones? - No, not in bones.
They're in order to equalise pressure.
- DAVID: In the lungs.
- As a backup system, in the lungs.
Named after a German pathologist who was expelled by the Nazis in 1933, but there they are.
- Sara: Did he blow his horn? - Yes, he did.
ALAN MAKES HORN NOISE I've found some pores in the lungs! CONTINUES TO MAKE HORN NOISE - I wish it were, for such a nice, good reason.
- Out, get out! There you go.
And amazingly they form an emergency backup system, along with the canals of Lambert and the fenestrations of Boren.
I thought you were going to say Butler, that would have been perfect.
Fenestration De-fenestration is chucking someone out of a window.
A fenestration is presumably chucking someone in.
It's just a window shaping A window making thing.
The de-fenestration of Prague, wasn't it, was a historical event? I don't quite know what happened there, but - People got thrown out of windows.
- Out of windows, yes.
- The whole city wasn't thrown out of a window.
- In Prague? Yes, in Prague.
The de-fenestration of Amsterdam was a historical event that happened on a stag do that I attended.
I'm sure it did.
"These prostitutes do not like getting touched.
" - Oh, stop.
- Not me! Oh, right, phew! - You mean the window ones? - Yes.
Sorry, I've got you.
Yes, just for a minute I was really disturbed.
- I'm not there.
- No, no, of course not.
By the way, if I was, that's how I'd do it.
You'd never be out of work, I promise you.
The end-bulbs LAUGHTER - We're coming to the end-bulbs.
- A work The end-bulbs of Krause.
Now, what could they be? The helmet.
We have them on the genitalia in mulberry-like clusters, - as a matter of fact.
- Mulberry-like clusters? We have a lot of them on the genitals.
The little funny bits on the Pimple bits on the On the right, that are all LAUGHTER Don't do that! They're those bits, there.
Those middle bits.
Those middle bits there and there.
Here.
You know when you take it out to go to the loo, right? And then you get the winch down.
- Stop it! - I have to take a step ladder to go to the loo.
- Behave! No, they're smaller than that, but they are incredibly sensitive to a particular condition.
- A lady.
- To what ladies? - To a particular lady.
- A particular lady.
No.
We also have them all over the skin, but they are very concentrated on the genitalia, for a particular reason, particularly the male genitalia are very sensitive to the your swinging - Don't do that! - Sara: What did he do? - Are you having a look? - Is that cheating? - Yes! You have a special isolated camera above you, - just thought I'd warn you.
- Oh, really? - Well, I do.
Anyway.
- Sorry, Colin.
But no, as you know, the survival of spermatozoa is very dependent on a very narrow range of what? - DAVID: Temperature.
- Temperature, exactly.
- That's why we've got balls.
- Yeah.
- Because they have to be kept separate from the - Precisely.
- It's like hanging milk outside a student room - Yes.
.
.
to keep it cold.
So, if it's very, very warm, they sort of tend to droop down, - and sort of swing a bit and get the air round them.
- Yes.
If it's very cold, they shrink up and keep - They tend to head home.
- Yeah, exactly.
And snuggle up, to the blood supply.
Or if you're watching Loose Women.
Maybe.
Yes.
I should imagine that would - In a cold room.
- Yes, in a cold room.
So, yes, these end-bulbs of Krause are tiny little bits all over the skin, not just the genitalia, they're not as big as - Whose willy's that? - No, no, they're not just I have to make it clear they're all over the body.
- DAVID: They're goose pimples.
- He needs to see a doctor.
They're not the goose pimples themselves.
They're tiny - and they sense cold.
- Could you see an end-bulb of Krause? - I don't think so.
- They're too small to see.
- Yeah.
- But they're there, working out if it's cold.
- Yes.
- If it's hot, they knock off.
- Yeah, absolutely right.
They're activated by temperatures lower than 20 degrees Celsius.
- Oh, they're pretty busy in this country then.
- Yeah.
They certainly are, they certainly are.
And so that leaves us with Kiesselbach's plexus.
And plexus as in complex is a sort of network.
Sara: So it's a nerve-endings thing, is it? DAVID: The brain.
No, actually, it's a network of connected arteries.
- The heart? - No.
I'm just going to say things.
And that's it, I've completely No, it's in the nasal septum.
Yeah, it's a little network of arteries.
It's around the point where we're most likely to have a nosebleed.
We've covered this before, Alan.
When you have a nose bleed, Alan, you should pinch your nose and lean? - Forwards.
- Well remembered.
- Lean back.
- Ah! No.
- No.
Forward.
- Oh, well, just in time.
- Yeah.
Just in time.
Because if you lean back, the blood might go down your throat.
Anyway.
This picture you've got of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson with her make-up off is amazing.
LAUGHTER That's terrible.
Now, why do doctors hit your knee with a hammer? To test your reflexes.
Oh, oh.
Sara: Yes.
- Oh, oh.
- That's correct, but what reflexes are they? - What? - The reflexes of the I was convinced! - It's a muscle - You know the scorer.
You so know Murray.
It's always a really cold hammer, so maybe they're testing the end-bulbs of Kurchel-bircher-koucher-butcher.
- Just checking.
- No, it's not the end-bulbs of Krause.
Cos they don't like you.
Yes.
There's nerves that run from the thigh upwards to the? - Head.
- No.
No, you would think that.
Sara: It's something to do The expression is a knee-jerk response.
- A knee-jerk reaction, yeah.
- Because it doesn't go to the brain.
You're absolutely right.
It communicates amongst itself, somehow.
It goes up to the spinal column.
- It doesn't go all the way up to the brain at all.
- Yeah.
So it is unmediated by the brain entirely.
- It is absolutely a knee-jerk reflex.
- And it only happens in two times.
One is when you get hit on the knee with a little hammer like that, and the other is when you're asleep on a crowded train and you So many times.
And you never see a doctor rushing off with a little hammer.
What are they hoping to see, doctors, when they tap you on the knee? They want you to do that, they want you to kick.
Though actually, if it's too big, - it could be a sign of really bad things.
- Oh.
So, that is a pretty healthy one.
- Sorry, is this on a loop? - It's on a loop, yes.
Oh, sorry.
This is the worst medical ever.
It's painful.
Just stop with the bloody knee! Grab my balls, I'll cough and then let's leave.
No, it's the relative strength of the twitch that is really important.
Too much of a twitch might indicate a brain tumour, stroke, liver disease, multiple sclerosis or tetanus.
And too little might mean botulism, damaged nervous system or an infected spine.
And none at all could well be an index or a sign of Or wooden leg.
LAUGHTER Wooden leg.
Or death.
- Sara: You're dead, yeah.
- Or, death, or? Syphilis.
Oh, of course, the old syphilis.
You don't get much of that any more "Oooh!" As if that was tonight's star prize.
Forget gonorrhoea, go for syphilis.
You keep the chlamydia, that's yours.
No-one can take that away, the chlamydia's yours.
The genital warts are yours.
Don't point at me, I haven't got any of them.
- I'm pointing at both of you.
- I think the whole point with chlamydia - is people can take it away from you.
- Yes, you're so right.
Anyway, yeah.
DAVID: What if you did a murder with your reflex? If someone sort of attacked your knee and then the reflex, you had a knife attached to your shoe or something.
You broke their neck.
And you killed them, would you be able to say, ah, but the reflex, it didn't go to my brain, it only went to the bottom of my spine, so I didn't really do it.
- Yes.
- But it does happen if you're driving, you have an automated response, it's called, like, murder by auto but you don't go to prison.
So if you sneeze - and then you run someone over Someone sneezed, literally.
- Yeah.
Literally at that moment.
Talk about a reflex! DAVID! That means there's been a murder! There's a killer! They've just murdered someone! - Sara: Now they know they'll get away with it.
- Wow.
It's something like DAVID: So, if I walk into a room with a gun cocked, sneeze, it goes off, you kill someone, you're in the clear? So, if you want to kill your wife, what you do is, you drive down to Dover, you get her right up against a cliff, and then you put your leg behind her and then get a doctor to tap a knee.
- Off she goes.
- That I'm afraid would The doctor would go to prison.
- That would act up.
- The doctor would go to prison? - And you.
- What if he was sneezing as he tapped her knee? LAUGHTER The perfect crime.
Yeah.
- Broadchurch series two sorted.
- Yeah.
I love this imaginary super-compliant wife you've found.
Who allows herself to be taken Just come all the way here and stand there.
What are we doing here?! It's freezing.
Sara: And why has the GP come with us? DAVID: Isn't it a lovely view, my love? Stand still.
So, when you're hammered, a knee-jerk response is a total no-brainer.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now, what's a knocker-uppers' knocker-upper? DAVID: That would be the person that wakes the person that went round the streets waking people by bashing their windows with a long stick.
Is completely utterly and entirely the right answer.
Absolutely, yes.
APPLAUSE It seems obvious, when you think about it, that after the beginning of the industrial revolution, as people flocked into cities, they didn't work the usual daylight hours they had worked in the countryside, and there were no such things as alarm clocks.
So, they had to be woken up for getting to t'mill by a tap on the window by a man with a long stick.
So, do these guys stay up all night? That's the point.
A knocker-uppers' knocker-upper, as David rightly said, was someone who did stay up all night.
And then their last act was to wake up the sleeping knocker-uppers.
And then they'd go to bed and be on the night shift, as it were.
There was a famous Limehouse knocker-upper called Mary Smith, but she had a fantastic technique, which was shooting peas out of a pea shooter at the windows.
- Isn't that cool? - SARA: Ooh, that's very cool.
- And doesn't she look a marvellous sight.
- Yeah.
- Mary is my kind of woman.
- Yeah? Put it this way, if Mary was round mine, she would not be getting up at four o'clock in the morning, Stephen.
But it's a wonderful photograph, the way she's got her hand on her hips.
But anyway, there you are, a knocker-uppers' knocker-upper was a human alarm clock's human alarm clock.
Now, what colour is a red kite? - Blue! - Is it black? Red.
White.
KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh, thank you, Alan.
- Somebody had to do it.
Very good of you.
The thing is they were named Is it a bird? They were named before the English language had a word for orange, we just used the word red for anything that was orange as well.
We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour till the 16th century.
SARA: We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, - and it's the fruit that named the colour.
- Exactly right.
So it's true of a robin red-breast, which is clearly orange, not red.
We call it a red-breast.
Same with the red squirrel, there we are, that's orange.
No two ways about it.
And indeed red-headed people.
It's not red, if they had red hair, I mean, some people do through modern use of dyes, don't they? - Some of your young friends, I expect.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
And red deer, similarly, are not red.
But they were all named before the word orange existed as a colour choice.
In those days people would say, - "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange.
" - Yes.
- "Yeah, yeah, pass me one of them.
" - Exactly.
It could have been that, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin.
So we could all have, you know, "front of a robin" brand phones, where you sort of go, "What colour is it? Oh, it's front of a robin.
" - It would be confusing.
- "I'm just eating an orange.
"It's such a bright shade of front of a robin.
" And when people were getting bullied in the playground it would be way less offensive.
"Oi, front of a robin pubes," like that.
But why is a robin associated with Christmas? Oh, is this something to do with Jesus? I know he's very Christmassy.
- Is Jesus Christmassy? - Do you know, I don't think he is.
Considering he started it all, I don't think he's all that Christmassy.
He's not the least bit Christmassy.
I don't think you can hold it against him - No, it's not his fault.
- .
.
that he's not entering into the spirit of Christmas.
I'm not saying I hold "Cheer up, watch Morecambe and Wise and have some Quality Street.
"You're bringing everyone down!" Well, I'm just saying, I'm not surprised he's lost control of the festival, to commercialism and Father Christmas, because he's not putting the effort in.
He is at Easter time, but we're not that into Easter.
Yeah, he's losing that to bloody eggs and bunnies.
That's true, that's true.
I was thinking about Jesus, because isn't there a story where the robin takes thorns out of his hands and then gets its red breast.
It's a lovely idea, there may well be.
They may have tried to post-connect the robin.
Because it's obviously only in Britain that there's, there wouldn't be as much snow around the Mediterranean, - certainly not in Palestine.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- DAVID: Again, not Christmassy, is it? - No.
- Where Jesus lived wasn't very Christmassy.
- No, it really wasn't.
I love the fact you're so angry about this.
- I actually know this.
- Yes? A robin is associated with Christmas because it's the only bird within the natural world that round the period of December flies back to its original nest with its robin parents, gives them a little bit of alcohol, and then has to sit there as they're a little bit racist.
I learnt it in biology.
Well, that's very good.
The actual reason is because we associate Christmas with Christmas cards and Christmas cards were delivered by postmen wearing red, bright red uniforms, who were known as red breasts, or robins.
That was their nickname.
The robins come round for Christmas.
So people started putting on Christmas cards a robin to show that a robin would be delivering it.
It was that reason.
- That's amazing.
- Which is unusual.
- It is amazing.
- But to return to our red kites, - do you know anything about red kites in Britain? - No.
I think they were reintroduced, they'd gone extinct in England - and they were reintroduced successfully.
- That's right.
- Now there's loads of them in the south of England.
- There are.
In medieval times, it was the law that you had to kill one if you saw one.
You actually had to.
- Had to kill it? - Yes, you had to.
If you were seen observing a red kite without trying to kill it, - you were breaking the law.
- Wow.
- That was really absurd.
So the numbers drastically reduced.
Fortunately there now are it's been a hugely successful reintroduction.
And lastly, how did the monkey wrench get its name? I'm nervous of this, because this was a fact that came up on the Unbelievable Truth.
- Uh-oh.
- The marvellous Radio 4 quiz shows they do.
It has happened before that facts we've asserted on the Unbelievable Truth have been I think the word is "mocked" on this programme, for being factually incorrect.
And you know, I'll be honest with you, I don't do all the fact checking.
- Ditto, ditto, ditto, I have to say.
- Yeah.
But on that show, what was given to me on a piece of paper to read out, was the fact that the monkey wrench was named after a person, whose name was something like Moncka.
And he was some kind of, I don't know, technical KLAXON SOUNDS That's so unfair.
You could not have parenthesised it more, but nonetheless, we are beastly rivals of yours, and you did mock us in your last series, when you Yeah, again, the person that handed me the piece of paper put on it a piece of QI fact error mockery.
We Exactly.
We had said It's turning into war! And all I want is peace.
I know, you're right.
From now on it is peace.
But we're like, in this war we're like the Southern States, we haven't got the resources and we're going to turn to racism as a result.
"That Jew boy Fry said" I hope you don't go that far.
But no, we incorrectly said that Descartes, Rene Descartes, believed that monkeys could speak, but didn't because, if they did, it would put them to work.
In fact Descartes reported that he had heard this belief, and you correctly said that and then mocked us, correctly.
It was a rap over the knuckles.
But there you go, that's minus 50 to David, of course.
So what is the truth? The answer actually It's a kind of rather gigantic not quite sure.
- So we might be right! - The Americans claim it.
No, we know that it isn't Mr Moncky, because there was an article written in the 1880s, said that the true inventor, Charles Moncky, was dying in poverty, despite inventing this incredibly useful thing.
The problem here is the term monkey wrench was used in England as early as 1807, and these articles were written in the 1880s.
So it's just obviously completely impossible for that to be the case.
It's generally believed that the face of it reminded people of the jaws of a monkey, you know.
Or that a monkey version of something in the navy is a sort of rigging up of something.
But it's not all bad news for Mr Moncky, because he is the originator of the phrase "spank the moncky.
" So, you know, he didn't die in vain.
Exactly.
Well, there we go.
So, I'm sorry about that minus 50.
Nobody knows how or why a monkey wrench is so-called, though we do know that it wasn't for the reason given on David's otherwise excellent and superb radio show.
- Which brings us to the matter of scores.
- Oh, dear.
Goodnessly graciously Murray can't help me now, can he? I'm afraid it's pretty inevitable that in last place, with minus 41 is David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE That means It means I was on nine! Yes, it does, you were on plus nine.
And you saved Alan from ignominy, who is on minus 20 in third place.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE A magnificent second place for Jack Whitehall, minus seven.
APPLAUSE But what a QI kind of mind, what an incredible score, what an amazing debut from Sara Pascoe, with plus 28! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Superb! Well, that's all for this week, so it's good night and thank you from Sara, Jack, David, Alan and me.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
Let's klock the kontestants.
The kind-hearted Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The kallipygian Jack Whitehall.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The knowledgeable David Mitchell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And knock me down with a kangaroo, it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And this week's call signs are all K creatures.
Sara goes BIRD SCREECHING Do you know what that is? - Is it a bird? - Yes.
OK.
It's a bird.
Famous movie, kind of British, wonderful.
The man who was in love with a kestrel.
- Shorten kestrel to the - JACK: Kes.
- Kes, yeah.
- Oh, that was my question! But that was the film.
Very good.
And Jack goes BIRD CACKLES You probably know that.
OK, that is Kevin Bacon getting into really hot water.
I'd know that sound anywhere.
- He likes it lukewarm.
- He does.
- Kookaburra.
- Is the right answer.
It's a kookaburra.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- David goes BUZZING Is that a Klingon spacecraft? Killer bee.
- Killer bee? - Exactly, there you go.
And Alan goes GROWLING That's a genuine animal recording.
- Kangaroo? - No.
- Koala? - Yes! - Yes, come on! It's a koala.
Who'd have thought that a koala sounded like that? Anyway, there we go.
Just before we start, I've got a bit of very good news for you, David, cos your old nemesis Colin, the QI scorer, has been replaced by a new scorer called Murray, who happens to be a huge fan of yours.
So I think that bodes well for this evening.
- Well, I'm very glad to hear it, yes.
- Excellent, yeah.
You've told me too late to bribe him.
What happened to Colin though? Why isn't he? He's been promoted, actually.
He's now probably counting votes in the House of Lords.
Or something similar.
We're one step away from the House of Lords.
Yes, we are, exactly.
I think this programme would be an excellent house of reform.
It would, wouldn't it? You know, just let all the legislation come before us, we'll fiddle with it.
Hopefully, you know, gag it up a bit.
- Yeah.
- Send it on to the Queen.
Exactly.
"My governmentwill find six penises on this particular insect.
" That's what it tends to be about on QI.
Anyway, let's kick off.
What is this? It's a noise, listen out carefully.
KLAXON SOUNDS And beginning with K.
BIRD CACKLES - Yeah? - A klaxon.
Oh! KLAXON SOUNDS Ha-ha! In a strange sort of way, pop just ate itself, didn't it? A klaxon gave a klaxon.
We call it the klaxon, it's not actually a klaxon.
- Is that a brand name? - Brilliant.
- Like with a Tannoy or a Hoover? - You're absolutely right.
- Oh, OK.
- Just like Tannoy or Hoover.
- So what is it, an alarm? - It's basically a siren, a noise, an alarm noise, exactly.
- OK.
A Klaxon has a very specific sound which belongs to a company called Lovell-McConnell Manufacturing.
They were first fitted to cars.
And they were the first electric thing ever to be attached to - an automobile, the Klaxon.
- So what is? So they needed an alarm before a light? The sound we heard was just, you'd just call it some general word, but technically it's not a Klaxon.
Now, automobiles, America.
The land of the free, the land of the automobile, as you can imagine in places like Pennsylvania they must have welcomed them when they arrived, yes? No.
No.
Is the right answer.
Alan, you're really getting the hang of this.
- I've played this before.
- Yes.
- You have to intuit.
- You would be astounded by the Farmers' Anti Automobile Association of Pennsylvania, with its list of impractical requirements for motorists.
Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile.
And then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
The driver may then proceed with caution, blowing his horn and shooting off roman candles.
If the driver of an automobile sees a team of horses approaching, he is to stop, pull to one side of the road - And kill himself.
- Almost.
.
.
cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover, which is painted or coloured to blend into the scenery.
In case a horse is unwilling to pass an automobile on the road, the driver of the car must take the machine apart as rapidly as possible, and conceal the parts in the bushes.
They really didn't want motorcars in Pennsylvania.
Honking the horn, is that a sensible safe thing to do, - does it avoid accidents? - No, it'll frighten the horses.
Well, obviously, let's assume we're talking about now, - when there aren't any, or very few.
- Wouldn't it raise aggression, hearing a loud noise makes you probably release adrenaline, and then your instincts would be flawed, I would have thought.
- I think you're absolutely right - Have you ever driven in Italy? - Oh, yeah.
- I've been on tour in Italy and the word "go" is "die" in Italy.
- Avante.
- Die, die, die! You're like, "Fuuuck! "We're all 19 and I'm not a driver.
" No, but you're absolutely right, there is no evidence that using the horn contributes to safety.
There's something interesting with police sirens, isn't there? Because they It's two different notes, - and the reason is - Yeah.
- If you hear one note for a long time, - you can't tell where it's coming from.
- That's exactly right, you genuinely can't tell.
You say, "Is that in front of me, or is it behind me?" You just don't know.
In America, they have a very good rule when you hear a siren, on the road, you just simply stop driving.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And go and have a meal.
But it somehow works out incredibly well and the emergency vehicle weaves through.
- DAVID: But they have wider roads.
- They have much wider roads.
But it does work fantastically, and everybody does it.
I usually try and see which of the emergency services it is and then decide.
Oh, it's only an ambulance, they don't count.
Or it's only a fireman.
What is that? Fire engine.
DAVID: If it's the police, there's something sort of vaguely right wing about it.
- I don't know.
- So where were we? Yes.
Horn sounding does not, it seems, contribute to the safety of drivers at all.
In Britain, we're actually, we have almost zero tolerance of hooting your horn.
But even more intolerant were the Nazis.
And in 1936, they started putting They're not known for their intolerance! No, I know, it's quite surprising.
But we thought we knew GERMAN ACCENT: "This whole thing has become intolerable.
"A new camp, I think.
" We thought we knew everything they were intolerant of, but it turns out even hooting your horn, they would punish the driver by putting yellow dots on their car.
It was like a sign, like, "He is a hooter, "he sounds his horn," and people would turn their back.
I've completely changed my opinion of the Nazis.
I thought they were a pretty reasonable bunch of guys, but this yellow dot business! It is just, they're shocking, aren't they? Anyway, there you go.
So the QI klaxon isn't a Klaxon at all.
Now everyone knows what knees, knuckles and kidneys are, but what's the point of these less familiar K-parts of the body? Kiesselbach's plexus.
The valves of Kerckring.
The end-bulbs of Krause.
The pores of Kohn.
That is the best nickname for someone's balls ever.
Behold the End-Bulbs of Krause! Kneel before the End-Bulbs of Krause.
Kneel before them! Are these not all Star Trek movies? No, I know, it does.
Star Trek 19.
- Down the years.
- The Valves of Kerckring.
Kiesselbach's Plexus.
They are magnificent names.
They are all parts of the human anatomy.
The valves of Kerckring are actually folds.
Would that help you at all? - Where do we have lots and lots of folds? - Intestines? - Yes.
Well done.
Get in there! - Yes! You got in there with our smaller gut.
There it is, the valves of Kerckring.
This is like the QI version of that game Operation.
Yes.
Bzzzz! So what had Kerckring done that someone named disgusting, shitty bits of the body after him? He was a 17th century Dutch anatomist, who was a friend and co-evil of the philosopher Spinoza.
And, as you know from those wonderful Rembrandt paintings, anatomy was a big subject in Holland, they were fascinated and curious.
Some fantastic discoveries being made, and one of them was this lower intestine, which is 22 feet long and a few inches wide.
But if unfolded, it would cover a tennis court.
- Just yours.
- DAVID: But surely that's A tennis court! And mine.
Well, two tennis courts.
The whole of the tennis court, or just the lines? No, the whole of the tennis court.
Including for doubles play.
It's pretty astonishing, isn't it? What's interesting about the intestines, we used to be herbivores, which is why we have so much intestine.
Because when you only eat plants, you have to take a really long time digesting them to get everything out of them.
- Absolutely.
- Now we're carnivores, and this is sometimes why we have digestive problems, in terms of dairy and stuff.
But giant pandas, who are carnivores, they have very - Are they? - They were carnivores.
- Were they? - We're one of only three species that have changed over, one to the other.
It's us, pandas and a squirrel.
Squirrels used to be carnivore? - A kind of squirrel that I can't remember.
- Oh, right.
Giant pandas, that's why they have so much problems, cos they have a short intestine, without these flaps, so they only eat bamboo, which goes straight through them, meaning they have to eat it all day long.
- It's so boring for them.
- That's why they never have sex.
- Yeah, exactly.
- As we all know, you cannot have sex on indigestion.
It's impossible.
You definitely get points for that.
It's completely true.
DAVID: What happened that the pandas gave up on meat? Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.
I mean, it's not working very well for them, evolution.
You're going to get ecologically cross with them now.
- I mean, it seems - They took a wrong step.
.
.
idiotic.
They can't There's like 25 minutes a year they can have sex and it will work, if they can be bothered, which they never can.
- They look ridiculous.
- Oh, they're gorgeous! Let's not bring looks into this.
I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? That's what makes them so lovely.
You're not going, ah, they're the wise panda.
Never mind what the panda thinks, the panda's an idiot.
Maybe they eat it If you want to make Bungle in Rainbow seem high status, bring on a panda.
I'm with David on this.
If you're in danger, you eat what you get.
Like, if a rhino turned round and was like, "Sorry, no carbs before Marbs," then it deserves to die.
Young person reference.
I think they probably used to eat things that don't exist any more.
DAVID: Oh, like dinosaurs.
Little dinosaurs.
Yeah.
Lovely little crunchy ones.
Who really liked pandas.
They used to go up and go, "Ah, look, really Oh!" That would, that would be evolution - - you evolved to look cute to something you want to eat.
- Yes.
- Like, you know - Anyway, back to parts of the body.
Those are the Valves of Kerckring.
What about these, then, the pores of Kohn.
- The bell ends of - No, we're going to come to the bell ends, Alan.
Wait for the bell ends.
They will come, but the pores of Kohn.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know what's going to come out.
I never know what's going to issue from me.
It's another ring tone, I can't wait.
That is Twitter in a nut shell.
I'm so sorry.
Aye, aye, aye.
The pores of Kohn are incredibly important.
We need them deeply.
- But they're not pores - They are holes in the surface of the skin.
Not in the skin, those are where we have, obviously, millions of pores.
- DAVID: They're an internal pore.
- They're internal pores.
- Sara: Is it on bones? - No, not in bones.
They're in order to equalise pressure.
- DAVID: In the lungs.
- As a backup system, in the lungs.
Named after a German pathologist who was expelled by the Nazis in 1933, but there they are.
- Sara: Did he blow his horn? - Yes, he did.
ALAN MAKES HORN NOISE I've found some pores in the lungs! CONTINUES TO MAKE HORN NOISE - I wish it were, for such a nice, good reason.
- Out, get out! There you go.
And amazingly they form an emergency backup system, along with the canals of Lambert and the fenestrations of Boren.
I thought you were going to say Butler, that would have been perfect.
Fenestration De-fenestration is chucking someone out of a window.
A fenestration is presumably chucking someone in.
It's just a window shaping A window making thing.
The de-fenestration of Prague, wasn't it, was a historical event? I don't quite know what happened there, but - People got thrown out of windows.
- Out of windows, yes.
- The whole city wasn't thrown out of a window.
- In Prague? Yes, in Prague.
The de-fenestration of Amsterdam was a historical event that happened on a stag do that I attended.
I'm sure it did.
"These prostitutes do not like getting touched.
" - Oh, stop.
- Not me! Oh, right, phew! - You mean the window ones? - Yes.
Sorry, I've got you.
Yes, just for a minute I was really disturbed.
- I'm not there.
- No, no, of course not.
By the way, if I was, that's how I'd do it.
You'd never be out of work, I promise you.
The end-bulbs LAUGHTER - We're coming to the end-bulbs.
- A work The end-bulbs of Krause.
Now, what could they be? The helmet.
We have them on the genitalia in mulberry-like clusters, - as a matter of fact.
- Mulberry-like clusters? We have a lot of them on the genitals.
The little funny bits on the Pimple bits on the On the right, that are all LAUGHTER Don't do that! They're those bits, there.
Those middle bits.
Those middle bits there and there.
Here.
You know when you take it out to go to the loo, right? And then you get the winch down.
- Stop it! - I have to take a step ladder to go to the loo.
- Behave! No, they're smaller than that, but they are incredibly sensitive to a particular condition.
- A lady.
- To what ladies? - To a particular lady.
- A particular lady.
No.
We also have them all over the skin, but they are very concentrated on the genitalia, for a particular reason, particularly the male genitalia are very sensitive to the your swinging - Don't do that! - Sara: What did he do? - Are you having a look? - Is that cheating? - Yes! You have a special isolated camera above you, - just thought I'd warn you.
- Oh, really? - Well, I do.
Anyway.
- Sorry, Colin.
But no, as you know, the survival of spermatozoa is very dependent on a very narrow range of what? - DAVID: Temperature.
- Temperature, exactly.
- That's why we've got balls.
- Yeah.
- Because they have to be kept separate from the - Precisely.
- It's like hanging milk outside a student room - Yes.
.
.
to keep it cold.
So, if it's very, very warm, they sort of tend to droop down, - and sort of swing a bit and get the air round them.
- Yes.
If it's very cold, they shrink up and keep - They tend to head home.
- Yeah, exactly.
And snuggle up, to the blood supply.
Or if you're watching Loose Women.
Maybe.
Yes.
I should imagine that would - In a cold room.
- Yes, in a cold room.
So, yes, these end-bulbs of Krause are tiny little bits all over the skin, not just the genitalia, they're not as big as - Whose willy's that? - No, no, they're not just I have to make it clear they're all over the body.
- DAVID: They're goose pimples.
- He needs to see a doctor.
They're not the goose pimples themselves.
They're tiny - and they sense cold.
- Could you see an end-bulb of Krause? - I don't think so.
- They're too small to see.
- Yeah.
- But they're there, working out if it's cold.
- Yes.
- If it's hot, they knock off.
- Yeah, absolutely right.
They're activated by temperatures lower than 20 degrees Celsius.
- Oh, they're pretty busy in this country then.
- Yeah.
They certainly are, they certainly are.
And so that leaves us with Kiesselbach's plexus.
And plexus as in complex is a sort of network.
Sara: So it's a nerve-endings thing, is it? DAVID: The brain.
No, actually, it's a network of connected arteries.
- The heart? - No.
I'm just going to say things.
And that's it, I've completely No, it's in the nasal septum.
Yeah, it's a little network of arteries.
It's around the point where we're most likely to have a nosebleed.
We've covered this before, Alan.
When you have a nose bleed, Alan, you should pinch your nose and lean? - Forwards.
- Well remembered.
- Lean back.
- Ah! No.
- No.
Forward.
- Oh, well, just in time.
- Yeah.
Just in time.
Because if you lean back, the blood might go down your throat.
Anyway.
This picture you've got of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson with her make-up off is amazing.
LAUGHTER That's terrible.
Now, why do doctors hit your knee with a hammer? To test your reflexes.
Oh, oh.
Sara: Yes.
- Oh, oh.
- That's correct, but what reflexes are they? - What? - The reflexes of the I was convinced! - It's a muscle - You know the scorer.
You so know Murray.
It's always a really cold hammer, so maybe they're testing the end-bulbs of Kurchel-bircher-koucher-butcher.
- Just checking.
- No, it's not the end-bulbs of Krause.
Cos they don't like you.
Yes.
There's nerves that run from the thigh upwards to the? - Head.
- No.
No, you would think that.
Sara: It's something to do The expression is a knee-jerk response.
- A knee-jerk reaction, yeah.
- Because it doesn't go to the brain.
You're absolutely right.
It communicates amongst itself, somehow.
It goes up to the spinal column.
- It doesn't go all the way up to the brain at all.
- Yeah.
So it is unmediated by the brain entirely.
- It is absolutely a knee-jerk reflex.
- And it only happens in two times.
One is when you get hit on the knee with a little hammer like that, and the other is when you're asleep on a crowded train and you So many times.
And you never see a doctor rushing off with a little hammer.
What are they hoping to see, doctors, when they tap you on the knee? They want you to do that, they want you to kick.
Though actually, if it's too big, - it could be a sign of really bad things.
- Oh.
So, that is a pretty healthy one.
- Sorry, is this on a loop? - It's on a loop, yes.
Oh, sorry.
This is the worst medical ever.
It's painful.
Just stop with the bloody knee! Grab my balls, I'll cough and then let's leave.
No, it's the relative strength of the twitch that is really important.
Too much of a twitch might indicate a brain tumour, stroke, liver disease, multiple sclerosis or tetanus.
And too little might mean botulism, damaged nervous system or an infected spine.
And none at all could well be an index or a sign of Or wooden leg.
LAUGHTER Wooden leg.
Or death.
- Sara: You're dead, yeah.
- Or, death, or? Syphilis.
Oh, of course, the old syphilis.
You don't get much of that any more "Oooh!" As if that was tonight's star prize.
Forget gonorrhoea, go for syphilis.
You keep the chlamydia, that's yours.
No-one can take that away, the chlamydia's yours.
The genital warts are yours.
Don't point at me, I haven't got any of them.
- I'm pointing at both of you.
- I think the whole point with chlamydia - is people can take it away from you.
- Yes, you're so right.
Anyway, yeah.
DAVID: What if you did a murder with your reflex? If someone sort of attacked your knee and then the reflex, you had a knife attached to your shoe or something.
You broke their neck.
And you killed them, would you be able to say, ah, but the reflex, it didn't go to my brain, it only went to the bottom of my spine, so I didn't really do it.
- Yes.
- But it does happen if you're driving, you have an automated response, it's called, like, murder by auto but you don't go to prison.
So if you sneeze - and then you run someone over Someone sneezed, literally.
- Yeah.
Literally at that moment.
Talk about a reflex! DAVID! That means there's been a murder! There's a killer! They've just murdered someone! - Sara: Now they know they'll get away with it.
- Wow.
It's something like DAVID: So, if I walk into a room with a gun cocked, sneeze, it goes off, you kill someone, you're in the clear? So, if you want to kill your wife, what you do is, you drive down to Dover, you get her right up against a cliff, and then you put your leg behind her and then get a doctor to tap a knee.
- Off she goes.
- That I'm afraid would The doctor would go to prison.
- That would act up.
- The doctor would go to prison? - And you.
- What if he was sneezing as he tapped her knee? LAUGHTER The perfect crime.
Yeah.
- Broadchurch series two sorted.
- Yeah.
I love this imaginary super-compliant wife you've found.
Who allows herself to be taken Just come all the way here and stand there.
What are we doing here?! It's freezing.
Sara: And why has the GP come with us? DAVID: Isn't it a lovely view, my love? Stand still.
So, when you're hammered, a knee-jerk response is a total no-brainer.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now, what's a knocker-uppers' knocker-upper? DAVID: That would be the person that wakes the person that went round the streets waking people by bashing their windows with a long stick.
Is completely utterly and entirely the right answer.
Absolutely, yes.
APPLAUSE It seems obvious, when you think about it, that after the beginning of the industrial revolution, as people flocked into cities, they didn't work the usual daylight hours they had worked in the countryside, and there were no such things as alarm clocks.
So, they had to be woken up for getting to t'mill by a tap on the window by a man with a long stick.
So, do these guys stay up all night? That's the point.
A knocker-uppers' knocker-upper, as David rightly said, was someone who did stay up all night.
And then their last act was to wake up the sleeping knocker-uppers.
And then they'd go to bed and be on the night shift, as it were.
There was a famous Limehouse knocker-upper called Mary Smith, but she had a fantastic technique, which was shooting peas out of a pea shooter at the windows.
- Isn't that cool? - SARA: Ooh, that's very cool.
- And doesn't she look a marvellous sight.
- Yeah.
- Mary is my kind of woman.
- Yeah? Put it this way, if Mary was round mine, she would not be getting up at four o'clock in the morning, Stephen.
But it's a wonderful photograph, the way she's got her hand on her hips.
But anyway, there you are, a knocker-uppers' knocker-upper was a human alarm clock's human alarm clock.
Now, what colour is a red kite? - Blue! - Is it black? Red.
White.
KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh, thank you, Alan.
- Somebody had to do it.
Very good of you.
The thing is they were named Is it a bird? They were named before the English language had a word for orange, we just used the word red for anything that was orange as well.
We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour till the 16th century.
SARA: We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, - and it's the fruit that named the colour.
- Exactly right.
So it's true of a robin red-breast, which is clearly orange, not red.
We call it a red-breast.
Same with the red squirrel, there we are, that's orange.
No two ways about it.
And indeed red-headed people.
It's not red, if they had red hair, I mean, some people do through modern use of dyes, don't they? - Some of your young friends, I expect.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
And red deer, similarly, are not red.
But they were all named before the word orange existed as a colour choice.
In those days people would say, - "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange.
" - Yes.
- "Yeah, yeah, pass me one of them.
" - Exactly.
It could have been that, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin.
So we could all have, you know, "front of a robin" brand phones, where you sort of go, "What colour is it? Oh, it's front of a robin.
" - It would be confusing.
- "I'm just eating an orange.
"It's such a bright shade of front of a robin.
" And when people were getting bullied in the playground it would be way less offensive.
"Oi, front of a robin pubes," like that.
But why is a robin associated with Christmas? Oh, is this something to do with Jesus? I know he's very Christmassy.
- Is Jesus Christmassy? - Do you know, I don't think he is.
Considering he started it all, I don't think he's all that Christmassy.
He's not the least bit Christmassy.
I don't think you can hold it against him - No, it's not his fault.
- .
.
that he's not entering into the spirit of Christmas.
I'm not saying I hold "Cheer up, watch Morecambe and Wise and have some Quality Street.
"You're bringing everyone down!" Well, I'm just saying, I'm not surprised he's lost control of the festival, to commercialism and Father Christmas, because he's not putting the effort in.
He is at Easter time, but we're not that into Easter.
Yeah, he's losing that to bloody eggs and bunnies.
That's true, that's true.
I was thinking about Jesus, because isn't there a story where the robin takes thorns out of his hands and then gets its red breast.
It's a lovely idea, there may well be.
They may have tried to post-connect the robin.
Because it's obviously only in Britain that there's, there wouldn't be as much snow around the Mediterranean, - certainly not in Palestine.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- DAVID: Again, not Christmassy, is it? - No.
- Where Jesus lived wasn't very Christmassy.
- No, it really wasn't.
I love the fact you're so angry about this.
- I actually know this.
- Yes? A robin is associated with Christmas because it's the only bird within the natural world that round the period of December flies back to its original nest with its robin parents, gives them a little bit of alcohol, and then has to sit there as they're a little bit racist.
I learnt it in biology.
Well, that's very good.
The actual reason is because we associate Christmas with Christmas cards and Christmas cards were delivered by postmen wearing red, bright red uniforms, who were known as red breasts, or robins.
That was their nickname.
The robins come round for Christmas.
So people started putting on Christmas cards a robin to show that a robin would be delivering it.
It was that reason.
- That's amazing.
- Which is unusual.
- It is amazing.
- But to return to our red kites, - do you know anything about red kites in Britain? - No.
I think they were reintroduced, they'd gone extinct in England - and they were reintroduced successfully.
- That's right.
- Now there's loads of them in the south of England.
- There are.
In medieval times, it was the law that you had to kill one if you saw one.
You actually had to.
- Had to kill it? - Yes, you had to.
If you were seen observing a red kite without trying to kill it, - you were breaking the law.
- Wow.
- That was really absurd.
So the numbers drastically reduced.
Fortunately there now are it's been a hugely successful reintroduction.
And lastly, how did the monkey wrench get its name? I'm nervous of this, because this was a fact that came up on the Unbelievable Truth.
- Uh-oh.
- The marvellous Radio 4 quiz shows they do.
It has happened before that facts we've asserted on the Unbelievable Truth have been I think the word is "mocked" on this programme, for being factually incorrect.
And you know, I'll be honest with you, I don't do all the fact checking.
- Ditto, ditto, ditto, I have to say.
- Yeah.
But on that show, what was given to me on a piece of paper to read out, was the fact that the monkey wrench was named after a person, whose name was something like Moncka.
And he was some kind of, I don't know, technical KLAXON SOUNDS That's so unfair.
You could not have parenthesised it more, but nonetheless, we are beastly rivals of yours, and you did mock us in your last series, when you Yeah, again, the person that handed me the piece of paper put on it a piece of QI fact error mockery.
We Exactly.
We had said It's turning into war! And all I want is peace.
I know, you're right.
From now on it is peace.
But we're like, in this war we're like the Southern States, we haven't got the resources and we're going to turn to racism as a result.
"That Jew boy Fry said" I hope you don't go that far.
But no, we incorrectly said that Descartes, Rene Descartes, believed that monkeys could speak, but didn't because, if they did, it would put them to work.
In fact Descartes reported that he had heard this belief, and you correctly said that and then mocked us, correctly.
It was a rap over the knuckles.
But there you go, that's minus 50 to David, of course.
So what is the truth? The answer actually It's a kind of rather gigantic not quite sure.
- So we might be right! - The Americans claim it.
No, we know that it isn't Mr Moncky, because there was an article written in the 1880s, said that the true inventor, Charles Moncky, was dying in poverty, despite inventing this incredibly useful thing.
The problem here is the term monkey wrench was used in England as early as 1807, and these articles were written in the 1880s.
So it's just obviously completely impossible for that to be the case.
It's generally believed that the face of it reminded people of the jaws of a monkey, you know.
Or that a monkey version of something in the navy is a sort of rigging up of something.
But it's not all bad news for Mr Moncky, because he is the originator of the phrase "spank the moncky.
" So, you know, he didn't die in vain.
Exactly.
Well, there we go.
So, I'm sorry about that minus 50.
Nobody knows how or why a monkey wrench is so-called, though we do know that it wasn't for the reason given on David's otherwise excellent and superb radio show.
- Which brings us to the matter of scores.
- Oh, dear.
Goodnessly graciously Murray can't help me now, can he? I'm afraid it's pretty inevitable that in last place, with minus 41 is David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE That means It means I was on nine! Yes, it does, you were on plus nine.
And you saved Alan from ignominy, who is on minus 20 in third place.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE A magnificent second place for Jack Whitehall, minus seven.
APPLAUSE But what a QI kind of mind, what an incredible score, what an amazing debut from Sara Pascoe, with plus 28! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Superb! Well, that's all for this week, so it's good night and thank you from Sara, Jack, David, Alan and me.
Good night.
APPLAUSE