QI (2003) s11e05 Episode Script
Kings
This programme contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Good evening.
Good evening.
Welcome to QI, where we're all kings for the day.
Joining me at court are His Majesty King James VI, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE His Majesty King William III, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE His Majesty King Jeremy the Only, Jeremy Clarkson.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
And King Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Before we commence our battle royale, let the trumpet sound.
Jimmy goes ORNATE FLOURISH Bill goes ORNATE FLOURISH Jeremy goes ORNATE FLOURISH And Alan goes PARTY HORN Why am I not surprised? Here are some kings I'm sure you're utterly aware of but can you tell me how they got their nicknames? These are all real kings and their real nicknames.
Constantine - you should be able to guess where he comes from.
Sorry Greece.
Has your crown slipped? Yeah, it's, look, it's done that, you see, that's a Like that.
It's a medieval torture.
Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs to stop them nibbling their stitches.
Imagine the crown maker Has your head lost weight? Yes, it has, yes.
It's lost even more hair than when we started.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's very unfair.
Yes, I do apologise.
It's just You're welcome to take it off.
Try and get it down the other way.
Shall I try and go through it? Yeah, try and go through it.
I think this is APPLAUSE And that's the last we ever saw of him.
That's not a good look.
You, honestly, you look fine.
You look fine.
That's so like something out of Lord Of The Rings now.
Even more than ever.
I'm going to make this my passport photo.
What do you do? I'm a fighting king.
What do you want?! But you can take it off now, you can all take off your crowns.
Oh, God, thanks, thank you.
Thank you very much, yes.
So, this brings us to these names.
Names, right.
Constantine Constantine the Great, the first Constantine was? Was he a Greek? He was a Roman emperor, but he moved the capital from Rome to his new city, Constantinople.
And he became Christian, and this one is a descendant of his who became very unpopular and his enemies claimed that, when he was baptised, he was so nervous, We've all done that.
We've all had nights out.
Yeah.
So they called him Koprononym, which is the Greek for Crap-Name.
Oh, I see.
Poo-Name.
Kopronym.
Was he christened then as a child or as an adult? I think Because it's worse, I think, as an adult.
Yes.
It's embarrassing if you're an emperor and that's all they call you - Poo-Name.
You're still an emperor.
I'm still emperor.
So what were the other ones? Let's have a look.
See if you can have any sort of mild guess.
Louis the Universal Spider.
He was actually Louis the XI of France.
Could he climb up the water spout? No, that wasn't it.
It's because he had webs of conspiracies all across Europe.
Oh.
It wasn't because he got stuck in the bath.
They all had names.
Friends of Philip the Spaniard.
Philip the Good.
Oh, right.
"The Good" shows a lack of imagination, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, the Good.
Good, it's good though, isn't it? It's better than Dave the Satisfactory.
That's the best you could have hoped for on your reports.
That's probably what channel we're on now, as people are watching.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
Graham the Outstanding.
He was considered good because he pursued so many crusades which is not considered good these days.
Went off to the Holy Land and killed people.
We'd never do that today(!) No.
No.
As if.
So the next one is King Eystein the Fart.
Is that meant to say Einstein? No.
It is Eystein.
He got it wrong? Eystein the Fart.
Eystein the Fart.
So he farted once.
"Fart" is Norwegian.
Speedy, fast.
Oh.
So it's just a typo, really.
No.
It's correct in Norwegian.
It's lost a little bit in the translation.
He travelled a lot and he was the first source we have in writing of ice-skating.
He described his own "ice legs".
Fshhh! Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, ice legs.
He was succeeded by his son, whom you will like, who has one of the best names of any king.
Halfdan the .
Mild Halfdan the Mild? Ah.
Surely that's a "half a mild please, Dan"? Isn't that? That's pretty good.
Halfdan the Mild.
Yeah.
Foreign policy was like, ah, it'll be fine.
Right, let's go to King Ragnar.
Why was he called what he was called? Hairy Breeches.
Oh, um Was he very hairy? He wore hairy breeches.
His wife made them out of animal hide and they were there to protect him.
As you can see, he's here being killed.
How's he being killed? By his own trousers.
No.
Does it kill the animals before she made the clothes? His Viking ship capsized off the coast of Northumbria, and he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes.
What, in Northumbria? By the King of England, who was at the time King Ella.
Where did he find these poisonous snakes from? Adders.
Yeah, but, no, that wouldn't kill him though.
Adders, that would give you a bit of an itch.
They're not really poisonous.
It may be a made-uppy story.
But Ragnar was eventually avenged by his son, who was called Ivar the Boneless.
He'd be called Ivar the Viagra these days.
Yes.
He could get through railings.
Yeah.
And he got his revenge on King Ella It's a pretty good super power.
Didn't one of the Fantastic Four have that? In Valiant comic there used to be Janus, who was an escapology person.
A bottom with a J in front.
But he could, yes, that's right.
And he could get through tiny gaps.
Oh! LAUGHTER Ah, there you are.
There you go.
Janus.
Every week, he was in a situation A Janal situation.
.
.
where it would be really helpful if he could get through a tiny gap.
I don't know how the writers kept coming up with these scenarios where the only solution was for Janus to get through a tiny gap.
And avoiding the door that was open.
That'd be too easy.
Quite often he'd forgotten his keys.
That's King Ragnar, the Hairy Breeches, being killed by King Ella, who came down on him in a pit.
He was avenged by having his ribs opened and his lungs spread out against his chest, which was known as Say it again.
The Blood Eagle.
Very good, yes.
Audience, ten points.
He wasn't that boneless if he had a ribcage.
No, he did it to the man who killed his father.
Well, then presumably this person was, it was against his will.
Yeah.
It wasn't just, come on then, wey! Help yourself.
See? Fill your boots.
I saw a documentary about heart surgery and to get through the sternum, they used a power saw.
I mean, it was ALAN WHIRS It's quite hard to get in there.
Yeah.
Or a little toffee hammer.
And it takes a lot longer.
Yeah.
It's a very small power saw.
It's not a huge I mean, it's not a great big one.
No, it's not a logging thing.
STEPHEN MIMES POWER SAW It's a tiny ALAN WHIRS GENTLY But when you're over a certain age, they can't risk doing that to you any more and they actually go up through thethigh.
Penis.
Well, you were going, "up through, up through"the penis.
What a pity.
Pee-hole surgery.
APPLAUSE Requires a steady hand, obviously.
Don't be absurd, they go up through the anus.
Oh, of course.
Oh, dear! So sorry, Stephen.
They go up through a major Yeah, like your mate through the tiny cracks in the Janus.
That's why he was called Janus.
I've got a job for you, Janus.
Oh! Up you go.
Oh, God! Steady, chap.
Stephen, now, I've got a question about farts.
Oh, yes? Do you think that farts smell before they come out? I'm not going in to find out! Quite a philosophical one from you, Alan.
If you went up someone, when Janus goes up to do the heart surgery Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You wouldn't have to hold your nose, is what I'm saying, you'd be free to use both hands.
If you have a colonoscopy, you have to take these unbelievably powerful Hallucinogenics.
APPLAUSE Whoa! Oo-ee! Ho-ho, I'm being taken by a space octopus! Pushing on, name a cobra beginning with K.
King.
KLAXON Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.
A king cobra isn't actually a cobra.
It has its own genus, which is in fact ophiophagus, which would tell It sounds like "off your face.
" Off of your faces? No.
Ophiophagus.
Phagus means? Eating.
Eating.
Ophio It means snake.
So it's actually a snake-eating snake.
A snake-eating snake.
Yes, it is, that's right.
I saw a cobra eat a snake.
Well, maybe you can make up for your lack of points, by making the noise that a king cobra makes.
I'm just going to get that klaxon again, aren't I? It doesn't make a noise.
It does make a distinctive noise.
Was it All right, OK.
"Hello!" Very good.
So just imitate a king cobra if you can.
Does it hiss? BARKS We're all Meow! KLAXON Does it bark? Oh, you did the hiss.
I didn't, it wasn't me, I was barking.
No, no, no, Alan did the hiss.
You did the bark so you get points back.
So does it hiss? Does it hiss? It barks.
What do you mean, it barks? It barks like a dog.
It barks.
Like a dog.
Who does the research? Do you want to hear it? It just seems that we should get some Here we go.
Here, here we go.
SNAKE BARKS There you go.
There's no way that that's a snake.
It is a king cobra.
Fact.
Bring him out, bring him out.
Bring him out, yeah.
Just to prove it AS EAMONN ANDREWS: You thought he was over there but he's here tonight.
Please welcome Can we hear that again? Stephen Fry's barking cobra.
It was a guess.
Ssh.
SNAKE BARKS A barking cock-alike.
ALAN BARKS It feels like if we play that a few times, it would sound like the TARDIS.
Shall we just? OK, keep going.
See if we can SNAKE BARKS REPEATEDLY Anyway, it has a little sort of special place in its trachea and a kind of kazoo-like membrane and it makes that noise.
I'm surprised we didn't know that.
Wait a minute, a kazoo, a kazoo-like membrane? Well, a membrane, yeah.
It doesn't sound like one, I grant you.
It doesn't sound like one.
OK.
What else is interesting about king cobras? How venomous are they? Really venomous.
More venom than any other snake.
It's not as venomous but they've more of it.
They've got more of it, and then they envenomate more often.
They venomate a lot.
And they chase you.
Yeah.
So they're really bad.
They chase you while barking.
Yes.
With more venom than It's warning enough to stay away.
Yeah.
So, now.
Oh, dear, why are we just always in this region? It's so unfortunate.
Why might a Frenchman want this up his bottom? The French love shoving things up their bottoms.
KLAXON Who knew, who knew I was going to go there?! We knew it was you, yeah.
Of course! It's true that if you ask for an aspirin in France, they will, their first action is to Oh, straight up the bottom.
Is it to get tape worms? No, it is a surgical instrument and it was devised for one particular What's our theme this evening? Kings.
Who's the most famous king of France? Louis the XIV.
Louis the XIV, the Sun King.
Yes.
And he was very fond of riding, and enemas, as they all were in those days.
Was he constipated often? It was worse than that, he developed a condition which has a particular name.
And Faecal concreting.
It's in the faecal area.
I don't know, I just made it up.
It's when a duct appears between two organs and connects them, which they shouldn't be connected, it causes great pain and it's called? That's a hernia.
Ask, ask rib-cage man, he'll know.
It means a little pipe and it is? Fistula.
Fistula.
Fistula.
They're very good, this audience.
Yeah.
Are we doing QI Historical Embarrassing Bodies? Anyway, Louis XIV had a terrible fistula, and his doctor Oh, no.
That's the dilator.
Oh, no.
That's to dilate.
That's what they used for the common man! No.
The king had to have that too, he had to dilate it with that.
I'm afraid that would have hurt a lot.
Yes, but you still haven't got to why he'd want to put a cobra up his bottom.
That was to pierce and slice the fistula.
What?! Yeah.
And it worked.
Really? It worked.
So Felix de Tassy, the doctor, was given an estate and became hugely popular and no less than 30 courtiers, mimicking the King, said, "Yeah, I've got one of those too.
" You know, it's a really cool thing to have, suddenly having a fistula was the thing at Versailles.
So he had this huge order book, basically.
But to be fair to him, he didn't perform the operation on anyone who didn't need it, he was good enough to spot when people were faking, just by trying to mimic a king.
What is the instrument on the left? Does that have a name? I don't know if it actually has a name, I guess it's a fistula It's called aAAAGH! APPLAUSE Moving on.
What has 20 legs, five heads and can't reach its own nuts? Wait, hold on.
20 legs, what? Five heads.
Five heads.
Westlife.
Oh, you're so lucky.
You're so lucky.
I know what the klaxon was.
I presume the klaxon Shall I? Yeah, go on.
One Direction? KLAXON Whoa! I've thought, I've got to go somewhere a little bit away You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet.
Some kind of hideously mutated tyrannosaurus squirrel.
It's got the word king in it, oddly enough, and it's Is it a plant? It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the Squirrel Kings.
Squirrel Kings.
What would Squirrel Kings be? The best squirrels.
Well, oddly enough, no, it's really unfortunate, normally they squirm around on the trees, but sometimes trees exude a sticky sap.
Yes.
And when that happens and the baby squirrels get their tails in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together and you can get this, where they're absolutely stuck together.
AUDIENCE: Aww! Oh, that's fucking hysterical.
APPLAUSE Seriously, they get stuck together?! You are so bad.
The audience goes, "Aww!" It's not That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of.
And they're never going to be organised enough to all say "Right, ready, steady, all run off in different directions.
" They'll never be able to do that.
I'm afraid they will all perish.
If you saw the damage squirrels do They are appalling rats.
Talking of rats, people call them tree rats, and the phenomenon was first spotted in rats in Germany and in museums and universities in Germany there are examples of huge rat kings, where rats have been shoved together and preserved in alcohol.
That's a vast one - pretty disgusting-looking, as you can see.
Which trees? Are they lime trees that cause this? I want to know specifically.
Is it a lime tree? Just one that exudes a lot of sticky sap will do you.
Lime.
Lime does exude a lot of stuff, and some trees, of course, exude a lot.
How do the tails get stuck together? In the rats' case, I don't know Not the rats, no, I'm more interested in the squirrels.
Why would they I'm not going to be the one who teaches you to murder squirrels.
It's not murder, it's pest control for the sake of Britain's woodland.
They go up the tree and they get it on their tail? What makes them go near another one? They wriggle over each other looking for their mother's milk, they're at that stage.
They're baby squirrels? Yes, they're babies.
Oh, that's a bit sad.
LAUGHTER Oh, he has got a heart, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we'll catch you in a minute.
You'll be caught on camera smearing Pritt on the bumper of your car.
LAUGHTER All right.
Now how could King's Cross Station possibly be improved? Turn it into a car park.
Turn it into a car park! A Wagamama's.
LAUGHTER This was a plan in 1931.
Oh, to improve it? Was it the Germans' plan? It was the age of optimism and pride and speed and machinery and, oh Was it a bit after that? So it was the roof Yeah Glass.
Crystal.
The roof was flat.
Runway.
Yes! It was to have an inner airport for London No way, what, land? .
.
on the roof of King's Cross.
And look at that design.
What?! Why is Boris Johnson messing around with the Thames Estuary when we could have one there? Isn't that brilliant? It's brilliant apart from whoever's in the middle where there'll be some traffic.
It's controlled.
I can see where the crashes are going to take place.
It's controlled.
You have radio.
Wait a minute.
That's a device for gluing squirrels' tails together.
That would be Wouldn't that be great? Isn't it? So great, isn't it? And obviously the jet era would have got rid of it, they're not long enough for jet runways, but they are long enough for ordinary prop airplanes.
Light aircraft could land.
They could.
People could commute to London and it would be great.
I know.
Really great.
And they had elevators designed so the airplanes would be hangared in, and then lifted up.
That's not just form 4B homework.
They took it seriously.
That was serious? Yeah.
It is lovely, isn't it? I'm very impressed with it.
Quite difficult to land on a kind of a bend, though, isn't it, like that? I think you use the straight bits.
LAUGHTER That would have been an amazing pilot's last words.
"This is tricky!" Now, kingfishers - most of the kingfishers in the world live near what? Water.
Rivers.
Well, no, they don't.
Forests.
Kingfishers? No, most of the kingfishers in Britain live near water.
But most of the kingfishers in the world don't.
Sea? No.
Not near water at all.
Why are they called kingfishers? That's a British word for them.
Because we in Britain see them by the river.
They're called kingfishers all over the world.
No, they're called "alkuon" in Greek.
What do you think we call them? The Greek for kingfisher? Halcyon, exactly, but it doesn't mean "fisher".
There it is, fishing.
It's In Britain.
Sorry, why does it? Fishing again.
In Britain.
In Britain.
The evidence is there behind you.
In Britain.
No, but if you go to Go to Africa.
Somewhere that isn't Britain.
Africa.
For example.
I've seen a kingfisher not anywhere near a river, you're right.
In Africa They're mostly all like this.
Mostly in Africa they live in disused termite nests.
It looked lost.
They live in disused termite nests.
"You haven't got a fish on you, Bill, have you?" Yes.
"I mean, you haven't seen a river round here, have you? "Water or anything?" What is the colour of that kingfisher? It's turquoisey really, isn't it? Azure? Turquoise? It's brown.
It's brown? Yeah.
This programme's getting more and more ridiculous every week.
It is a sort of optical illusion.
In fact, the actual colour pigment is brown, but it iridesces it.
I must remember, I'll go to the middle of the Sahara Desert and get one and then put it in a darkened room and see what colour it is.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Just because it's not near a river doesn't mean it's in the Sahara Desert.
It eats fish.
Are you saying that the colour it is isn't the colour that it appears to be? No, because all colour is perception.
But that's kind of what I meant by colour.
Yeah.
But the That's a bluey colour, that fella.
But if you examine it, in terms of its actual pigmentation Right up close.
Right up close, rather than where it is presenting with the light striking it.
Oh, right, so if I examine it without any light.
No.
Oh, that feels brown.
I just don't understand when you do this on this show, you go, "That brown thing is a blue thing "and that blue thing is a brown thing.
" I know, but iridescence is a very particular quality - in the same way that petrol is not rainbow-coloured.
You put it on water in a puddle and it seems to be, but it's not.
It's pink.
Nobody knows what colour petrol is.
Well, quite, exactly.
Yeah, that's right.
It could be any colour.
No-one has ever checked.
Nobody's ever gone, "What colour is this?" They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers? Red diesel.
Which you're not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.
No.
Quite right.
Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope.
All right.
Just saying.
OK, how many King Henrys of England have there been? ORNATE FLOURISH Say it.
Eight! No! KLAXON BLARES There were nine, in fact.
Henry II had a son, who was known as Young King Henry, who according to the French tradition was anointed King while Henry II, his father, was still alive.
And so he wasn't given the reginal number III, but he was King, and he died at age 27 or so and he was quite an amusing fellow.
He was very popular, he died young, but when he was 17, hehe got in trouble with his father for refusing to turn up home at the castle for Christmas.
Instead, he held a feast in Normandy in which he invited only knights whose name was William.
It's a randomly peculiar thing to do.
So he was actually Henry, the second and a half.
Yeah, kind of, yeah.
I love the idea of that party, though.
He's been to so many fancy events, he's gone, "I can't remember everyone's name.
I just want Williams.
" And he arrived and went, "Hello, William.
All right, William? "William.
" "Bill, Bill, Bill.
" Saves you having to bother with the name, like the Beefsteak Club in London, where all the staff are called Charles, whatever their names, so people go, "Hello, Charles, I thought Charles would be here.
" "No, milord, Charles is ill, so Charles is here.
" Is this a real place? It is a real place called the Beefsteak Club, yeah.
You're a member of that? I am, yes.
It's very old and very good fun.
Don't mock me.
Yeah, we just go to a caff, but, yeah.
That makes you more real.
"Charles, oh, Charles, yes, Charles, tea please, two teas," you know.
The staff from there are probably watching this, going, "Oh, it's that Stephen Fry, "he thinks everyone's called Charles.
Bloody idiot.
" We can't just tell him now.
Someone's just told you that the first day you arrived.
It's a practical joke on you.
All right.
Did they also ask you to go for a long wait? No, they didn't.
Name the Queen's official residence.
ORNATE FLOURISH I'll go Balmoral.
Ah! KLAXON BLARES No.
ORNATE FLOURISH I'm going to say official residence, Buckingham Palace.
KLAXON BLARES I meant Windsor Castle.
No! KLAXON BLARES A submarine is sinking somewhere.
Yeah.
Berlin.
Jeremy Klaxon.
Sandringham? Sorry? Sandringham? Oh, Alanny-wallany-woo.
Not Sandringham.
KLAXON BLARES I'm feeling left out.
I wonder why there's three different pictures.
It's 3A.
It isn't Center Parcs, Surrey.
I don't know.
The Eagle's Nest.
Does she have a static caravan? If you are the American Ambassador, you present your credentials to? It's actually the Queen The court of? St James's Palace, is that her official? The right answer! If only I could award you more points I wish I didn't have this speech impediment that made Buckingham sound St James's Palace is the official residence of the monarch, although she does, of course, spend most of her time in her second, third, fourth, fifth homes.
OK, it's time for a little experiment.
Here's some potassium iodide.
It's a catalyst.
Oooh! Yes! My experiment also involves me having, for health and safety reasons, to wear these.
Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome! Tell us, O mighty king.
ALL: Oooh! Oh, stop it, no! I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.
Well .
.
what that is, is H2O2.
Does anyone know what H2O2 is? Water water.
Yes.
Double water.
It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule, but it has a different name.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hydrogen peroxide.
They're a good audience.
Well, that's partly because three quarters of the women have got blonde hair.
But it's quite unstable and it's always trying to lose its extra molecule and turn to water and to oxygen gas.
And we've mixed it here with some ordinary detergent, some washing-up liquid.
So could you go and stand next to Bill? It's not really violent, let's just say Well, why? Let's just say Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
What? When? What am I, a human shield or something? It's all right, you're this side of him, it's not that violent.
Stephen, you don't seem too concerned about my safety.
You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.
It's that much nearer Alan.
It's really, you'll see, it's not going to be dangerous.
It isn't dangerous.
It might be dangerous.
It isn't.
Just hold me.
It's basically Do you want to sit on my knee? Don't stop, I liked it.
Here we go, are you ready? Do you want to count me down, audience? Count me down from three.
Three Oh, what comes next? AUDIENCE: Two one! LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zero.
GASPING APPLAUSE Oh, very good.
There you go.
And so That's quite a money shot! Stephen, are you suggesting if I get some of that potassium? That that will really make you perform in bed? No.
Well That's amazing! .
.
that magnificent Whoa, it's still Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.
It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it? Yeah, it does get like that! Do you know what? I've been away.
Anyway, that brings us to the final scores, while it's still flowing.
Andlet's have a look here.
I'll have to hurry you, because you're going to be invisible.
In last place, with minus 38 points, it's Jeremy Klaxon.
APPLAUSE Second equalsecond equal, with minus 19, Bill and Jimmy.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE OVER SPEECH Do my eyes deceive me? Tonight's runaway winner with minus 18, Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Though the unquestionably knowledgeable audience takes the ultimate palm with plus eight! So from Jimmy, Jeremy, Bill, Alan and me, good night.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Good evening.
Good evening.
Welcome to QI, where we're all kings for the day.
Joining me at court are His Majesty King James VI, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE His Majesty King William III, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE His Majesty King Jeremy the Only, Jeremy Clarkson.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
And King Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Before we commence our battle royale, let the trumpet sound.
Jimmy goes ORNATE FLOURISH Bill goes ORNATE FLOURISH Jeremy goes ORNATE FLOURISH And Alan goes PARTY HORN Why am I not surprised? Here are some kings I'm sure you're utterly aware of but can you tell me how they got their nicknames? These are all real kings and their real nicknames.
Constantine - you should be able to guess where he comes from.
Sorry Greece.
Has your crown slipped? Yeah, it's, look, it's done that, you see, that's a Like that.
It's a medieval torture.
Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs to stop them nibbling their stitches.
Imagine the crown maker Has your head lost weight? Yes, it has, yes.
It's lost even more hair than when we started.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's very unfair.
Yes, I do apologise.
It's just You're welcome to take it off.
Try and get it down the other way.
Shall I try and go through it? Yeah, try and go through it.
I think this is APPLAUSE And that's the last we ever saw of him.
That's not a good look.
You, honestly, you look fine.
You look fine.
That's so like something out of Lord Of The Rings now.
Even more than ever.
I'm going to make this my passport photo.
What do you do? I'm a fighting king.
What do you want?! But you can take it off now, you can all take off your crowns.
Oh, God, thanks, thank you.
Thank you very much, yes.
So, this brings us to these names.
Names, right.
Constantine Constantine the Great, the first Constantine was? Was he a Greek? He was a Roman emperor, but he moved the capital from Rome to his new city, Constantinople.
And he became Christian, and this one is a descendant of his who became very unpopular and his enemies claimed that, when he was baptised, he was so nervous, We've all done that.
We've all had nights out.
Yeah.
So they called him Koprononym, which is the Greek for Crap-Name.
Oh, I see.
Poo-Name.
Kopronym.
Was he christened then as a child or as an adult? I think Because it's worse, I think, as an adult.
Yes.
It's embarrassing if you're an emperor and that's all they call you - Poo-Name.
You're still an emperor.
I'm still emperor.
So what were the other ones? Let's have a look.
See if you can have any sort of mild guess.
Louis the Universal Spider.
He was actually Louis the XI of France.
Could he climb up the water spout? No, that wasn't it.
It's because he had webs of conspiracies all across Europe.
Oh.
It wasn't because he got stuck in the bath.
They all had names.
Friends of Philip the Spaniard.
Philip the Good.
Oh, right.
"The Good" shows a lack of imagination, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, the Good.
Good, it's good though, isn't it? It's better than Dave the Satisfactory.
That's the best you could have hoped for on your reports.
That's probably what channel we're on now, as people are watching.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
Graham the Outstanding.
He was considered good because he pursued so many crusades which is not considered good these days.
Went off to the Holy Land and killed people.
We'd never do that today(!) No.
No.
As if.
So the next one is King Eystein the Fart.
Is that meant to say Einstein? No.
It is Eystein.
He got it wrong? Eystein the Fart.
Eystein the Fart.
So he farted once.
"Fart" is Norwegian.
Speedy, fast.
Oh.
So it's just a typo, really.
No.
It's correct in Norwegian.
It's lost a little bit in the translation.
He travelled a lot and he was the first source we have in writing of ice-skating.
He described his own "ice legs".
Fshhh! Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, ice legs.
He was succeeded by his son, whom you will like, who has one of the best names of any king.
Halfdan the .
Mild Halfdan the Mild? Ah.
Surely that's a "half a mild please, Dan"? Isn't that? That's pretty good.
Halfdan the Mild.
Yeah.
Foreign policy was like, ah, it'll be fine.
Right, let's go to King Ragnar.
Why was he called what he was called? Hairy Breeches.
Oh, um Was he very hairy? He wore hairy breeches.
His wife made them out of animal hide and they were there to protect him.
As you can see, he's here being killed.
How's he being killed? By his own trousers.
No.
Does it kill the animals before she made the clothes? His Viking ship capsized off the coast of Northumbria, and he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes.
What, in Northumbria? By the King of England, who was at the time King Ella.
Where did he find these poisonous snakes from? Adders.
Yeah, but, no, that wouldn't kill him though.
Adders, that would give you a bit of an itch.
They're not really poisonous.
It may be a made-uppy story.
But Ragnar was eventually avenged by his son, who was called Ivar the Boneless.
He'd be called Ivar the Viagra these days.
Yes.
He could get through railings.
Yeah.
And he got his revenge on King Ella It's a pretty good super power.
Didn't one of the Fantastic Four have that? In Valiant comic there used to be Janus, who was an escapology person.
A bottom with a J in front.
But he could, yes, that's right.
And he could get through tiny gaps.
Oh! LAUGHTER Ah, there you are.
There you go.
Janus.
Every week, he was in a situation A Janal situation.
.
.
where it would be really helpful if he could get through a tiny gap.
I don't know how the writers kept coming up with these scenarios where the only solution was for Janus to get through a tiny gap.
And avoiding the door that was open.
That'd be too easy.
Quite often he'd forgotten his keys.
That's King Ragnar, the Hairy Breeches, being killed by King Ella, who came down on him in a pit.
He was avenged by having his ribs opened and his lungs spread out against his chest, which was known as Say it again.
The Blood Eagle.
Very good, yes.
Audience, ten points.
He wasn't that boneless if he had a ribcage.
No, he did it to the man who killed his father.
Well, then presumably this person was, it was against his will.
Yeah.
It wasn't just, come on then, wey! Help yourself.
See? Fill your boots.
I saw a documentary about heart surgery and to get through the sternum, they used a power saw.
I mean, it was ALAN WHIRS It's quite hard to get in there.
Yeah.
Or a little toffee hammer.
And it takes a lot longer.
Yeah.
It's a very small power saw.
It's not a huge I mean, it's not a great big one.
No, it's not a logging thing.
STEPHEN MIMES POWER SAW It's a tiny ALAN WHIRS GENTLY But when you're over a certain age, they can't risk doing that to you any more and they actually go up through thethigh.
Penis.
Well, you were going, "up through, up through"the penis.
What a pity.
Pee-hole surgery.
APPLAUSE Requires a steady hand, obviously.
Don't be absurd, they go up through the anus.
Oh, of course.
Oh, dear! So sorry, Stephen.
They go up through a major Yeah, like your mate through the tiny cracks in the Janus.
That's why he was called Janus.
I've got a job for you, Janus.
Oh! Up you go.
Oh, God! Steady, chap.
Stephen, now, I've got a question about farts.
Oh, yes? Do you think that farts smell before they come out? I'm not going in to find out! Quite a philosophical one from you, Alan.
If you went up someone, when Janus goes up to do the heart surgery Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You wouldn't have to hold your nose, is what I'm saying, you'd be free to use both hands.
If you have a colonoscopy, you have to take these unbelievably powerful Hallucinogenics.
APPLAUSE Whoa! Oo-ee! Ho-ho, I'm being taken by a space octopus! Pushing on, name a cobra beginning with K.
King.
KLAXON Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.
A king cobra isn't actually a cobra.
It has its own genus, which is in fact ophiophagus, which would tell It sounds like "off your face.
" Off of your faces? No.
Ophiophagus.
Phagus means? Eating.
Eating.
Ophio It means snake.
So it's actually a snake-eating snake.
A snake-eating snake.
Yes, it is, that's right.
I saw a cobra eat a snake.
Well, maybe you can make up for your lack of points, by making the noise that a king cobra makes.
I'm just going to get that klaxon again, aren't I? It doesn't make a noise.
It does make a distinctive noise.
Was it All right, OK.
"Hello!" Very good.
So just imitate a king cobra if you can.
Does it hiss? BARKS We're all Meow! KLAXON Does it bark? Oh, you did the hiss.
I didn't, it wasn't me, I was barking.
No, no, no, Alan did the hiss.
You did the bark so you get points back.
So does it hiss? Does it hiss? It barks.
What do you mean, it barks? It barks like a dog.
It barks.
Like a dog.
Who does the research? Do you want to hear it? It just seems that we should get some Here we go.
Here, here we go.
SNAKE BARKS There you go.
There's no way that that's a snake.
It is a king cobra.
Fact.
Bring him out, bring him out.
Bring him out, yeah.
Just to prove it AS EAMONN ANDREWS: You thought he was over there but he's here tonight.
Please welcome Can we hear that again? Stephen Fry's barking cobra.
It was a guess.
Ssh.
SNAKE BARKS A barking cock-alike.
ALAN BARKS It feels like if we play that a few times, it would sound like the TARDIS.
Shall we just? OK, keep going.
See if we can SNAKE BARKS REPEATEDLY Anyway, it has a little sort of special place in its trachea and a kind of kazoo-like membrane and it makes that noise.
I'm surprised we didn't know that.
Wait a minute, a kazoo, a kazoo-like membrane? Well, a membrane, yeah.
It doesn't sound like one, I grant you.
It doesn't sound like one.
OK.
What else is interesting about king cobras? How venomous are they? Really venomous.
More venom than any other snake.
It's not as venomous but they've more of it.
They've got more of it, and then they envenomate more often.
They venomate a lot.
And they chase you.
Yeah.
So they're really bad.
They chase you while barking.
Yes.
With more venom than It's warning enough to stay away.
Yeah.
So, now.
Oh, dear, why are we just always in this region? It's so unfortunate.
Why might a Frenchman want this up his bottom? The French love shoving things up their bottoms.
KLAXON Who knew, who knew I was going to go there?! We knew it was you, yeah.
Of course! It's true that if you ask for an aspirin in France, they will, their first action is to Oh, straight up the bottom.
Is it to get tape worms? No, it is a surgical instrument and it was devised for one particular What's our theme this evening? Kings.
Who's the most famous king of France? Louis the XIV.
Louis the XIV, the Sun King.
Yes.
And he was very fond of riding, and enemas, as they all were in those days.
Was he constipated often? It was worse than that, he developed a condition which has a particular name.
And Faecal concreting.
It's in the faecal area.
I don't know, I just made it up.
It's when a duct appears between two organs and connects them, which they shouldn't be connected, it causes great pain and it's called? That's a hernia.
Ask, ask rib-cage man, he'll know.
It means a little pipe and it is? Fistula.
Fistula.
Fistula.
They're very good, this audience.
Yeah.
Are we doing QI Historical Embarrassing Bodies? Anyway, Louis XIV had a terrible fistula, and his doctor Oh, no.
That's the dilator.
Oh, no.
That's to dilate.
That's what they used for the common man! No.
The king had to have that too, he had to dilate it with that.
I'm afraid that would have hurt a lot.
Yes, but you still haven't got to why he'd want to put a cobra up his bottom.
That was to pierce and slice the fistula.
What?! Yeah.
And it worked.
Really? It worked.
So Felix de Tassy, the doctor, was given an estate and became hugely popular and no less than 30 courtiers, mimicking the King, said, "Yeah, I've got one of those too.
" You know, it's a really cool thing to have, suddenly having a fistula was the thing at Versailles.
So he had this huge order book, basically.
But to be fair to him, he didn't perform the operation on anyone who didn't need it, he was good enough to spot when people were faking, just by trying to mimic a king.
What is the instrument on the left? Does that have a name? I don't know if it actually has a name, I guess it's a fistula It's called aAAAGH! APPLAUSE Moving on.
What has 20 legs, five heads and can't reach its own nuts? Wait, hold on.
20 legs, what? Five heads.
Five heads.
Westlife.
Oh, you're so lucky.
You're so lucky.
I know what the klaxon was.
I presume the klaxon Shall I? Yeah, go on.
One Direction? KLAXON Whoa! I've thought, I've got to go somewhere a little bit away You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet.
Some kind of hideously mutated tyrannosaurus squirrel.
It's got the word king in it, oddly enough, and it's Is it a plant? It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the Squirrel Kings.
Squirrel Kings.
What would Squirrel Kings be? The best squirrels.
Well, oddly enough, no, it's really unfortunate, normally they squirm around on the trees, but sometimes trees exude a sticky sap.
Yes.
And when that happens and the baby squirrels get their tails in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together and you can get this, where they're absolutely stuck together.
AUDIENCE: Aww! Oh, that's fucking hysterical.
APPLAUSE Seriously, they get stuck together?! You are so bad.
The audience goes, "Aww!" It's not That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of.
And they're never going to be organised enough to all say "Right, ready, steady, all run off in different directions.
" They'll never be able to do that.
I'm afraid they will all perish.
If you saw the damage squirrels do They are appalling rats.
Talking of rats, people call them tree rats, and the phenomenon was first spotted in rats in Germany and in museums and universities in Germany there are examples of huge rat kings, where rats have been shoved together and preserved in alcohol.
That's a vast one - pretty disgusting-looking, as you can see.
Which trees? Are they lime trees that cause this? I want to know specifically.
Is it a lime tree? Just one that exudes a lot of sticky sap will do you.
Lime.
Lime does exude a lot of stuff, and some trees, of course, exude a lot.
How do the tails get stuck together? In the rats' case, I don't know Not the rats, no, I'm more interested in the squirrels.
Why would they I'm not going to be the one who teaches you to murder squirrels.
It's not murder, it's pest control for the sake of Britain's woodland.
They go up the tree and they get it on their tail? What makes them go near another one? They wriggle over each other looking for their mother's milk, they're at that stage.
They're baby squirrels? Yes, they're babies.
Oh, that's a bit sad.
LAUGHTER Oh, he has got a heart, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we'll catch you in a minute.
You'll be caught on camera smearing Pritt on the bumper of your car.
LAUGHTER All right.
Now how could King's Cross Station possibly be improved? Turn it into a car park.
Turn it into a car park! A Wagamama's.
LAUGHTER This was a plan in 1931.
Oh, to improve it? Was it the Germans' plan? It was the age of optimism and pride and speed and machinery and, oh Was it a bit after that? So it was the roof Yeah Glass.
Crystal.
The roof was flat.
Runway.
Yes! It was to have an inner airport for London No way, what, land? .
.
on the roof of King's Cross.
And look at that design.
What?! Why is Boris Johnson messing around with the Thames Estuary when we could have one there? Isn't that brilliant? It's brilliant apart from whoever's in the middle where there'll be some traffic.
It's controlled.
I can see where the crashes are going to take place.
It's controlled.
You have radio.
Wait a minute.
That's a device for gluing squirrels' tails together.
That would be Wouldn't that be great? Isn't it? So great, isn't it? And obviously the jet era would have got rid of it, they're not long enough for jet runways, but they are long enough for ordinary prop airplanes.
Light aircraft could land.
They could.
People could commute to London and it would be great.
I know.
Really great.
And they had elevators designed so the airplanes would be hangared in, and then lifted up.
That's not just form 4B homework.
They took it seriously.
That was serious? Yeah.
It is lovely, isn't it? I'm very impressed with it.
Quite difficult to land on a kind of a bend, though, isn't it, like that? I think you use the straight bits.
LAUGHTER That would have been an amazing pilot's last words.
"This is tricky!" Now, kingfishers - most of the kingfishers in the world live near what? Water.
Rivers.
Well, no, they don't.
Forests.
Kingfishers? No, most of the kingfishers in Britain live near water.
But most of the kingfishers in the world don't.
Sea? No.
Not near water at all.
Why are they called kingfishers? That's a British word for them.
Because we in Britain see them by the river.
They're called kingfishers all over the world.
No, they're called "alkuon" in Greek.
What do you think we call them? The Greek for kingfisher? Halcyon, exactly, but it doesn't mean "fisher".
There it is, fishing.
It's In Britain.
Sorry, why does it? Fishing again.
In Britain.
In Britain.
The evidence is there behind you.
In Britain.
No, but if you go to Go to Africa.
Somewhere that isn't Britain.
Africa.
For example.
I've seen a kingfisher not anywhere near a river, you're right.
In Africa They're mostly all like this.
Mostly in Africa they live in disused termite nests.
It looked lost.
They live in disused termite nests.
"You haven't got a fish on you, Bill, have you?" Yes.
"I mean, you haven't seen a river round here, have you? "Water or anything?" What is the colour of that kingfisher? It's turquoisey really, isn't it? Azure? Turquoise? It's brown.
It's brown? Yeah.
This programme's getting more and more ridiculous every week.
It is a sort of optical illusion.
In fact, the actual colour pigment is brown, but it iridesces it.
I must remember, I'll go to the middle of the Sahara Desert and get one and then put it in a darkened room and see what colour it is.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Just because it's not near a river doesn't mean it's in the Sahara Desert.
It eats fish.
Are you saying that the colour it is isn't the colour that it appears to be? No, because all colour is perception.
But that's kind of what I meant by colour.
Yeah.
But the That's a bluey colour, that fella.
But if you examine it, in terms of its actual pigmentation Right up close.
Right up close, rather than where it is presenting with the light striking it.
Oh, right, so if I examine it without any light.
No.
Oh, that feels brown.
I just don't understand when you do this on this show, you go, "That brown thing is a blue thing "and that blue thing is a brown thing.
" I know, but iridescence is a very particular quality - in the same way that petrol is not rainbow-coloured.
You put it on water in a puddle and it seems to be, but it's not.
It's pink.
Nobody knows what colour petrol is.
Well, quite, exactly.
Yeah, that's right.
It could be any colour.
No-one has ever checked.
Nobody's ever gone, "What colour is this?" They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers? Red diesel.
Which you're not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.
No.
Quite right.
Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope.
All right.
Just saying.
OK, how many King Henrys of England have there been? ORNATE FLOURISH Say it.
Eight! No! KLAXON BLARES There were nine, in fact.
Henry II had a son, who was known as Young King Henry, who according to the French tradition was anointed King while Henry II, his father, was still alive.
And so he wasn't given the reginal number III, but he was King, and he died at age 27 or so and he was quite an amusing fellow.
He was very popular, he died young, but when he was 17, hehe got in trouble with his father for refusing to turn up home at the castle for Christmas.
Instead, he held a feast in Normandy in which he invited only knights whose name was William.
It's a randomly peculiar thing to do.
So he was actually Henry, the second and a half.
Yeah, kind of, yeah.
I love the idea of that party, though.
He's been to so many fancy events, he's gone, "I can't remember everyone's name.
I just want Williams.
" And he arrived and went, "Hello, William.
All right, William? "William.
" "Bill, Bill, Bill.
" Saves you having to bother with the name, like the Beefsteak Club in London, where all the staff are called Charles, whatever their names, so people go, "Hello, Charles, I thought Charles would be here.
" "No, milord, Charles is ill, so Charles is here.
" Is this a real place? It is a real place called the Beefsteak Club, yeah.
You're a member of that? I am, yes.
It's very old and very good fun.
Don't mock me.
Yeah, we just go to a caff, but, yeah.
That makes you more real.
"Charles, oh, Charles, yes, Charles, tea please, two teas," you know.
The staff from there are probably watching this, going, "Oh, it's that Stephen Fry, "he thinks everyone's called Charles.
Bloody idiot.
" We can't just tell him now.
Someone's just told you that the first day you arrived.
It's a practical joke on you.
All right.
Did they also ask you to go for a long wait? No, they didn't.
Name the Queen's official residence.
ORNATE FLOURISH I'll go Balmoral.
Ah! KLAXON BLARES No.
ORNATE FLOURISH I'm going to say official residence, Buckingham Palace.
KLAXON BLARES I meant Windsor Castle.
No! KLAXON BLARES A submarine is sinking somewhere.
Yeah.
Berlin.
Jeremy Klaxon.
Sandringham? Sorry? Sandringham? Oh, Alanny-wallany-woo.
Not Sandringham.
KLAXON BLARES I'm feeling left out.
I wonder why there's three different pictures.
It's 3A.
It isn't Center Parcs, Surrey.
I don't know.
The Eagle's Nest.
Does she have a static caravan? If you are the American Ambassador, you present your credentials to? It's actually the Queen The court of? St James's Palace, is that her official? The right answer! If only I could award you more points I wish I didn't have this speech impediment that made Buckingham sound St James's Palace is the official residence of the monarch, although she does, of course, spend most of her time in her second, third, fourth, fifth homes.
OK, it's time for a little experiment.
Here's some potassium iodide.
It's a catalyst.
Oooh! Yes! My experiment also involves me having, for health and safety reasons, to wear these.
Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome! Tell us, O mighty king.
ALL: Oooh! Oh, stop it, no! I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.
Well .
.
what that is, is H2O2.
Does anyone know what H2O2 is? Water water.
Yes.
Double water.
It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule, but it has a different name.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hydrogen peroxide.
They're a good audience.
Well, that's partly because three quarters of the women have got blonde hair.
But it's quite unstable and it's always trying to lose its extra molecule and turn to water and to oxygen gas.
And we've mixed it here with some ordinary detergent, some washing-up liquid.
So could you go and stand next to Bill? It's not really violent, let's just say Well, why? Let's just say Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
What? When? What am I, a human shield or something? It's all right, you're this side of him, it's not that violent.
Stephen, you don't seem too concerned about my safety.
You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.
It's that much nearer Alan.
It's really, you'll see, it's not going to be dangerous.
It isn't dangerous.
It might be dangerous.
It isn't.
Just hold me.
It's basically Do you want to sit on my knee? Don't stop, I liked it.
Here we go, are you ready? Do you want to count me down, audience? Count me down from three.
Three Oh, what comes next? AUDIENCE: Two one! LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zero.
GASPING APPLAUSE Oh, very good.
There you go.
And so That's quite a money shot! Stephen, are you suggesting if I get some of that potassium? That that will really make you perform in bed? No.
Well That's amazing! .
.
that magnificent Whoa, it's still Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.
It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it? Yeah, it does get like that! Do you know what? I've been away.
Anyway, that brings us to the final scores, while it's still flowing.
Andlet's have a look here.
I'll have to hurry you, because you're going to be invisible.
In last place, with minus 38 points, it's Jeremy Klaxon.
APPLAUSE Second equalsecond equal, with minus 19, Bill and Jimmy.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE OVER SPEECH Do my eyes deceive me? Tonight's runaway winner with minus 18, Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Though the unquestionably knowledgeable audience takes the ultimate palm with plus eight! So from Jimmy, Jeremy, Bill, Alan and me, good night.