QI (2003) s16e17 Episode Script

V(ery)G(ood) 1 of 2 - Selection of best moments from P-series

1 This programme contains some strong language CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Welcome to QI.
Who fancies a ride in my Spike Away non-social transient behaviour vest? LAUGHTER Transient behaviour? So, non-social transient behaviour is the way people Oh, it's something you wear to make people not stand next to you.
Yes! A spiky thing.
It is a spiky thing, yeah.
I find my personality does the trick, but LAUGHTER .
if there's a clothing version So, it is the way in which people on public transport try and keep the seat next to them free.
So, there was a designer named Kathleen McDermott, she created a dress, and it senses when people are standing too close and it inflates.
LAUGHTER Oh, that is great.
I love this.
Like a puffer fish? Yes.
So, the other thing to have is a Singaporean design student called Siew Ming Cheng made the Spike Away vest, so, what it is, it's flexible spikes that you put in the garden, you know, to keep animals away from plants.
We have a couple, so, what I'd like is Phill and Bridget, if you would put on the Spike Away.
And then I've got for you, Alan So, it just goes over the The spikes, they're really hurting me, the spikes.
I think they're supposed to go on the outside, Bridg.
OK, so if you stand here, Alan.
And you two, so, imagine you're minding your own business on the Tube.
In a lift.
And you two wish that he wasn't there, so, just to see if you could use your Spike Away vests to Wow.
They're not I'm loving this! Welcome to niche porn.
And now the Danish lady will burst the balloons.
Oh, yeah, that's how we like it.
This is a dream, I've had this dream! ALAN SHRIEKS LAUGHTER CHEERING CHEERING PHILL: Come on! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You got me in the shoulder! LAUGHTER Come on, one more, one more jump.
He's asking for it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, which former Top Gear presenter failed a drugs test last year and how on Earth did they get away with it? Stig? Oh, is it the white guy, yeah? ALARM BLARES Is it the white guy? The white guy.
LAUGHTER Five white guys! Any more for any more? So, are we are just to guess those guys' names? Well, it's up to you.
It's not going to be any of those names, they're all a trap.
Is it all a trap? It's all a trap.
Yes, watch this - Jeremy Clarkson.
Richard Hammond.
Chris Evans.
Carry on.
You just body guarded us.
You just jumped in front and took the bullets.
I'll take the bullet.
Matt LeBlanc.
ALARM BLARES Lots of birds can see ultraviolet, and they can see .
animals' urine on the ground.
And that's how they know there's a burrow.
How about that? That's very good.
So, when they're swooping around looking for prey, they think, "Oh, look, they're over there," cos lots of small rodents are incontinent.
This is all God's will, right? I'm going to set this up.
That one can see wee, that one keeps pissing itself.
LAUGHTER Let the games begin! Let the games begin.
Oh, I can't stop pissing.
Look at all the wee, look at all the wee! Get in the hole, get in the hole! That's the only thing, if they can't get in the hole If you're a little vole and you're running with your mummy like that and you look up and you see one you go, "I'm terrified! I'm going to wet myself.
" "DON'T WET YOURSELF! Do not wet yourself!" What's the most unrealistic thing about this picture? Yes.
That bra.
That is a pointless bra.
Yeah, I don't know what that's doing for her, really, nothing.
She's done a pump out of her front bottom.
Only a man with children would call it a pump.
Or indeed the front bottom.
What is the most unrealistic thing about this picture? She's got her eyes open.
No, people are allowed to have their eyes open underwater, that's OK.
No, but if she's in the sea, you wouldn't have your eyes open.
Yeah, but she is a merlady.
She's a merperson.
Well, she's not a merperson.
I mean, it's a woman dressed up as a merperson.
OK, I need you to imagine it's a merperson.
Well you didn't say that.
So the most unrealistic thing for you is that it doesn't seem like a real merperson? LAUGHTER Weirdly, we don't have a picture of a real merperson.
So, if you think about the classic depictions of mermaids, try and think about how fish swim.
So, when fish swim, they have their tail in the same plane as their body, and they moved their tails from left to right to propel themselves.
Most depictions of merfolk show them just like that with a tail fin perpendicular to the plane of the body.
Yeah, but a lot of whales have that, don't they? Well, this is the thing.
So, if mermaids swam like fish Mmthen they would have to swim on their side.
They'd swim like a mammal, the mermaid, wouldn't they? Right, so if they're going to swim like a whale or a dolphin, they're mammals, not fish.
However, most merpeople are depicted with scaly and shimmery lower halves, which is a fish characteristic.
And not the smooth skin of a cetacean, so, a whale or a dolphin.
And, so, either - this is what really irritates me - the tail orientation is wrong and a merperson is half-fish, or the scales are wrong and the merperson is half-cetacean - you can't have it both ways.
LAUGHTER So, your point is, just to be clear Yeah.
That they shouldn't have scales if their tail's like that.
You can't have both ways.
You can't have it both ways.
You can't have it both ways? You can't have it both ways.
Well, um LAUGHTER That's not what we're talking about.
Oh, sorry! And this has really upset you, hasn't it? Yeah.
It's my show, I thought we'd talk about it.
LAUGHTER We're going to place a tray of finds, there they are, you've got them.
And I would like you to identify the fossil.
So, now, you can use any part of your body, except your hands.
Thank you.
So, how might you identify any of them? They told me I wouldn't need my glasses.
OK, do you want to borrow mine? Here.
There you go, sweetie.
Well, these are all pebbles from a standard British B Road.
LAUGHTER So, Phill is heading in the right direction.
TERI: Can I put it in my mouth? No, you can't.
Teri! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Teri is exactly right, Teri has got the right answer.
Good, good.
Good for her.
So, we've got various ways of distinguishing fossils from plain old rocks, but one of the ways you do it is to lick them.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm going to just Pay no attention, I'm going to lick this long one.
LAUGHTER That's actually a British sweet.
OK That's I really want to touch it.
No, no That's the ringtone I want.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I want you to experiment with the disc and see whether your fingers or your tongue are better at working out the size of the holes in the disc.
It's the tongue.
Sorry? The tongue.
For me it's the fingers.
It's the tongue.
No, it's the fingers.
I can feel different edges.
I can get the tongue much further in than you'd think possible, Sara.
LAUGHTER Suddenly I see you in a new and more positive light, Alan.
LAUGHTER The tongue is much more pliable.
It's called the oral size illusion, because your tongue is much more pliable, it'll bend around different surfaces more easily, and it should give you a more accurate picture of what you're looking at.
So, when I'm measuring up to put some shelves up, I should, I should Measure with your tongue.
I should go into B&Q and go HE MUMBLES I need some screws about that length.
"Are they 2.
5mm?" "I don't know" What's interesting to me, Sandi, is that these three shapes on here, I did not successfully identify what they are with either my fingers or my tongue.
I knew two of them with my tongue, you were right, the tongue was better.
Yeah, well it's that thing, you know when you've got a little thing in your mouth and it seems, feels so much bigger to you I do know about that, Sandi.
LAUGHTER Stop telling her about everything.
Right, what am I? B, try B.
Try B? Yeah, just have a lick of it.
No, don't put it all in your mouth, just Just lick it.
Just lick it, just lick it.
Hasn't anyone ever told you that? LAUGHTER It's dinosaur poo.
What is it? Dinosaur poo.
What's the correct word for dinosaur poo? Or any poo that's been fossilised? Delicious! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Before the show, I asked everybody to write a poem.
So, I've got one, here we are.
What would we be without Alan Totally unbalanced That's where.
It's a haiku.
Do you like it? Yes, very much.
Yeah, it was written by my agent, I hadn't got time.
LAUGHTER Do you want to begin? I've written a haiku as well.
Oh, go for it, darling.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA First time on QI Must not swear and let Mum down Piece of fucking piss.
She'll be so proud.
Thank you, Sandi.
Can I have absolute silence, please? LAUGHTER I really like to go on QI It is better than if I die Sandi Toksvig is so nice But Alan Davies has got lice LAUGHTER Thank you, thank you.
I liked you.
I have actually been treated for that.
Phil? I've written a poem on the theme of pastime, which is the theme of the episode.
It's called One T Or Two? Does pastime have one T or two? I haven't the foggiest, do you? I suppose it doesn't matter We're only here for the patter Does anyone else need a poo? I sort of panicked at the end, I think.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Where would we find beer in the sky? Oh, in space.
In space, about 10,000 light-years from Earth.
Did someone lob a can up, it's just landed.
Here is an incredible thing - there is a giant cloud of alcohol with enough ethyl alcohol for 400 trillion trillion pints of beer.
That is enough for every person on Earth to drink 300,000 pints every day for a billion years.
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Why are we living here? Because it's spiked with hydrogen cyanide.
Damn those Russians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE But the intriguing thing is that the cloud contains ethyl formate, so that isit's the chemical compound that helps give raspberries their taste, and it reportedly smells like rum.
It seems that the centre of our galaxy may taste and smell like raspberry-flavoured rum.
Oh, my God.
Can I just ask, when you say it reportedly smells like rum Yeah.
who reported it? Well, we know what the chemical is and we know what the chemical smells like, but nobody's been there.
You could volunteer.
I'm here now.
Yeah, like What's it smell like, what's it smell like? I mean, it could be blackberries, I think it's raspberries, Doris disagrees.
Have you had raspberries for breakfast? Could it be that? Oh, I did, yes, I actually I did, now I think of it.
You know people who do those wine things, isn't it? They're always like, "Mm, I'm getting blackcurrant," "I'm getting running naked through heather" Skirting boards, I'm getting skirting boards .
and linoleum.
You've fallen over.
LAUGHTER Now, you mentioned astrology, that's another way in which human beings try and sort of divide themselves up.
So, I'm just like this, so, I'm a Taurean.
So, let's have a look, Sara, what? I'm a Gemini, just after ALARM BLARES OK, did you mean, like, my risings? No.
Johnny, what star sign are you? Oh, Virgo.
Yeah, yeah, no, OK.
John Virgo! Ed, what are you? I'm a Pisces.
Pisces? Oh OK, and what are you, Alan? Well, now, I think I know what's going on here.
Oh Thank God somebody does.
Because all the stars and the alignment of the .
where the planet is were set by astrologists a long time ago, but actually everything's moved a little bit.
Everything's moved.
So, you think if you're born at that time of year that you're born under those stars, but you're not.
No, so, the modern star signs are all based on those of ancient Babylon and the night sky has completely moved.
Um, you're actually a Leo, in case you wanted to know.
I'm really not.
So that means I'm a Taurus? So, you, Sara are actually a Taurus, and, Alan, you were actually born under Aquarius.
Oh, cool.
And what am I? I think we got the date of your birth entirely wrong, so ALARM BLARES LAUGHTER I did a tandem skydive, that's the most frightening thing Why, why did you do it? Do you know why? Because I had a girlfriend who was always on about how brave her ex-boyfriend was.
LAUGHTER And, to be fair to him, he was a battlefield medic in the army.
So, I mean, he was terrifically brave, highly trained.
AS ALAN: I do comedy.
And, then, but then she really hurt my feelings when she said he was also the funniest person she'd ever met.
I was in Cairns in Queensland, I was nowhere near home, so I thought, I'm going to do a tandem parachute jump, I'll show her.
And I absolutely shat myself.
It's so frightening.
Cos also you were being like babied by another man behind you, so You're being strapped onto a total stranger.
Oh, it wasn't him, was it? Let's make this interesting.
It's me, Alan.
The bravest man in the world.
Let me tell you a joke as we're going down, cos I'm really funny.
They told us, whether this is true or not I don't know, they said the plane can't land with this much weight in it, so we do have to jump out.
LAUGHTER Someone asked me once if I wanted to go bungee jumping, and I don't like heights either, so I said, "I'll go up and watch you.
" And this was in Australia as well.
And he got to the edge, and the guy says, "Right, now when I say jump, you've got to jump.
" He says, "OK.
" "Jump.
" And just as he jumped, he went, "Not yet!" As he fell.
That's not funny, mate.
That is really not funny, is it? And the look on his face, "Did you see that, what I did?" Right, now, Alan, I would like you to put this on, please.
Oh! Why certainly, Sandi.
Thank you very much.
Is it a hat? It is a hat, yes.
Pop that on.
Now my question is, what activity is Alan now perfectly dressed to do? Is it a taco hat? At parties, sometimes they get people to walk around and a dip in the centre and some tacos, and then you dip them into the man's head.
Feels like a bicycle tyre.
OK, when you do know what it is you'll be horrified at the thought of serving dip from this.
Is it a contraceptive? So, it's exactly the reverse of a contraceptive.
It's an erection hat.
It is kind of a erection hat.
OK, so, this is It's not working.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Patience, everyone.
I'm 52.
I'm very pleased because it's for a falcon.
It's a falcon sex hat.
It was invented to save the peregrine falcon from extinction.
So, the peregrine trainer wears this hat and encourages the bird to mate with his head.
Come on.
Come on, you know you want to.
Oh! It's that.
So, in the 1970s, the whole species was threatened to be wiped out.
The pesticides were damaging their eggs and so Oh, look, it works! It does absolutely work.
A captive breeding programme was set up.
So, here is the problem.
Falcons are usually more attracted to their owners than they are to other birds.
It's a phenomenon called imprinting.
So, when a young falcon comes out of its egg, it gets attached to the very first thing it sees.
It could be a rubber boot or it could be an electric train, it could be anything but, quite often, it is the owner so, they want to mate They want to mate with their carers and the hat is invented to catch the resulting semen.
Oh, God! It can be collected I know.
The thing you're wearing, that's why I said you don't want to eat dip out of it.
No, I really don't.
The thing you're wearing It's got falcon ejaculate in it? It's got little tiny pockets in it, the falcon wants to mate, and it goes onto the hat because, you know, it likes the owner, and you can catch the semen from those little tiny pockets.
In the 1970s, the population ALAN MIMICS FALCON SNORING LAUGHTER How would you test to see if it's warm enough to put your plants outside? Go outside? OK, so that's still in underpant, bottom Well, if you take them off and you shrivel up .
it's too cold.
Put your pants back on.
If it looks like a little mushroom peeping out of a bush How smelly your pumps are, is it that? Excuse me? I love this but I can only describe it as a cul-de-sac of conversation so Steering back to the motorway of actual information.
Oh, it's not that, then? It's not that.
So, in order to assess, you sit down with your bare bottom in the ploughed field, and if it is comfortable enough to sit on the field, then it is warm enough to plant out your crops.
I'm telling you, science funding is a sham.
They are having a laugh out there! Take your pants off and sit over there.
Unbelievable! Does this initiative actually work? Are there hundreds and thousands of farmers up and down the country wearing no pants and sitting With bum prints across their field, as far as you can see.
Maybe that's how they get crop circles.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It is the practice of people throwing, or tossing people on blankets.
So LAUGHTER This guy in the middle is called Johann Unzer, he was a German doctor and he lived in the 18th century.
He was visiting Corsica and he wrote down about this.
When a married man died, it was common for villagers to toss the corpse on a blanket for hours on end, which occasionally had the effect of bringing him back to life.
If he didn't come back to life, then the local women would gather and they would beat his widow as a punishment .
for letting him die.
If it turned out he wasn't dead, then I imagine she dealt with him.
It's not uncommon, not just in Corsica, so, you get it in Spain, it's called "pelele," and "prellen" in Germany.
It's a bit like giving somebody the bumps on their birthday, and it was a common thing to toss people up and down in that way.
Is there any, like, medical basis for that to work? Like, jolting the heart? Well, it could be.
It has a kind of superstitious background to it.
So, the idea of tossing things in the air to ward off evil spirits.
And it probably comes from winnowing, so you know about separating the wheat from the chaff, so the simplest way is to toss it in the air, because the chaff is lighter than the wheat and the wind will blow it away.
And, so, there's a sort of symbolic thing of doing that with human beings.
He's dead! He's alive! He's alive! Oh, he's dead again.
His neck's broken.
LAUGHTER Where's his widow? It's your fault.
Yeah, it's your fault.
One of the most famous recipients of a tossing, Sancho Panza, from which book? Oh, Don Quixote.
Don Quixote.
Chapter 17.
He and his master refused to pay an innkeeper's bill, and so he's grabbed by a group of lodgers and they toss him up and down.
Queen Elizabeth, she was tossed, wasn't she? Queen Elizabeth I? II.
II? Yeah.
The day of the coronation.
Do tell.
Well, they had a rehearsal and the Archbishop of Canterbury and a few of the cohorts, they gave her a toss.
And that's the tradition.
People aren't familiar with it because we haven't had a coronation for ages, but Charles is next.
Really?! Is that actually a thing? Of course not, you fool! LAUGHTER Now, then, my poppets, I have got these for you.
This is for Aisling.
Am I supposed to show you on the doll where he touched me? LAUGHTER Jason .
and Alan.
And then we have me here.
Anybody know what they are? I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say are they dolls? Yes, a very particular kind of doll.
Ideally, you should have each other's is the thing, so if we can swap around, we can all I've got Jason's Are they voodoo dolls? They are poppets, also known as pippies or moppets, and they are traditionally used in European folk magic.
So, they're for casting spells on people.
So, if you wanted to get somebody out of your life, you might fill a poppet What are you doing with my poppet down there? My poppet does not want to be down there! LAUGHTER I don't know why, but I feel the need to rinse my mouth.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's something called Third Man syndrome, and it is the sensation of the presence of an extra, unseen person.
It happens in extreme situations, the most vivid are experienced by adventurers.
In 1933, there was a solo attempt to climb Everest by a British explorer called Frank Smythe, and he got within 1,000 feet of the top and he had the strongest sensation that somebody was with him, so strong that he broke off a piece of .
I don't know, Kendal Mint Cake or whatever it was, and he handed it, or tried to hand it to this other person.
It was probably the bloke holding the camera.
LAUGHTER Ernest Shackleton reported exactly the same sensation.
That's really weird.
And I wonder if you know TS Eliot's poem, The Wasteland, it's in there, it's inspired by Shackleton's experience.
That's Gandalf.
Shaft! It did feel a bit karaoke, that, didn't it? TS Eliot karaoke, I want to do.
Who is the third who walks always beside you? Only you and I together But when I look ahead Up the white road TOGETHER: There is always another one walking beside you! APPLAUSE Try moving my arms and see if it works.
I'll move your right I'll move Aisling's right arm.
Oh! It's magic.
And I appear to be touching my own breasts.
Oh, no! This joke has backfired! Wait a minute.
Who's this? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Why would you say the Pope's name three times and then whack his ring with a hammer? His ring?! Because Because he forgot the safeword! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Bloody marvellous.
I live for those moments.
He doesn't say a lot, but when he says it, it lands.
The answer is because he's A nail? Francis, Francis, Francis! He's dead? He's dead, you're absolutely right.
Why do you have to hit his ring with a hammer? OK, so there is a thing called the Apostolic Camera, so, it's an office of the Roman Curia that is a largely ceremonial office until the Pope dies.
At this point, the Camerlengo, he's the cardinal in charge of the Apostolic Camera, in he goes, he comes.
ITALIAN ACCENT: I's in charge of it.
His duty is to ceremonially verify ITALIAN ACCENT: I whack him with a fucking hammer.
LAUGHTER A-bang, bang, bang! Francis, Francis, Francis? A-boom! Right in the ring hole.
Well, kind of.