QI (2003) s17e01 Episode Script


APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight we are queuing up to explore all things quirky.
Joining me are the quick-witted Jason Manford - APPLAUSE - Hello.
the quotable Sarah Millican APPLAUSE .
the quizzical Loyiso Gola APPLAUSE .
and the total quirk-a-holic Alan Davies.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Let's hear their buzzers.
Jason goes JEW'S HARP AND SLEIGH BELLS Quite quirky, I like that.
Sarah goes DRAMATIC JAZZ PLAYS Ooh, jazz.
- Wow.
- It's a migraine, that is.
LAUGHTER It's jazz musicians in search of a tune.
LAUGHTER Loyiso goes INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS Does anybody else feel like they're on the wrong medication today? LAUGHTER And Alan goes BUZZER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE This first question is on the QT.
What's the furthest anyone's ever gone for a brew? Was it before or after refrigerators? Oh, definitely before.
Does that really help? Does that narrow it down? - LAUGHTER - No.
- No.
I mean .
in terms of history, darling.
I think there's a lot more before fridge.
- The BF, before fridge.
- Before fridge.
- Changed the world.
- Never mind about fridges.
Furthest for a cup of tea? Did they have one on the moon? - Did they have one in the Apollo lander? - Not the moon.
Not quite as far as the moon, but high.
- The Chinese? - Is it on a plane? - Is there like a - OK, you can get tea on a plane, but it wasn't Is there like a Boil High Club? APPLAUSE Jason said China.
- China.
- Someone went to China - Yes.
- .
to get some tea.
OK, so, as far as we know, this is one of the highest tea shops in the world.
There is a Buddhist and Daoist temple at the very top of Mount Hua, in the Qinling mountains, and the climb is treacherous - to get up there.
- Well, you'd need a brew.
The one on the right is optional, but it involves crossing a section where you have to balance on these wooden planks.
Is that how you get down? A slide.
- It's a 7,000-foot drop, darling, on the other side.
- Oh, wow.
You can hire a safety harness if you want for 5, - but its use is not enforced.
- Right.
The tea is made from rainwater and mountain springs and snow melt that they gather.
It's said to be absolutely delicious.
Surprised there's not a Costa up there.
Open up across the road! It's one of China's five great mountains.
It's got five peaks that form the shape of a lotus flower, and each peak has a temple on it.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? - Wow.
- It's amazing.
- Yeah, it's astonishing.
- But is it better than rooibos? - Oh, the South African tea, isn't it, rooibos? - Mm-hm.
I'm so glad that you said that.
- I didn't know how to pronounce that.
- Rooibos? I've been calling it roobiboos for years.
It's true! APPLAUSE I was 33, still ordering "shit-ache" mushrooms.
Who drank the very first cup of tea, what do you reckon? - Probably in China.
- You're absolutely right, it's China.
Well, it's a Chinese legend, who knows? There was a Chinese emperor in 2737 BC, called Shennong, and he was sitting under a tree, and his servant was boiling some water and some leaves, apparently, from the tree, blew into the water and he thought, "I'll have that.
" - "I'm not reboiling the kettle now!" - No, cos it's boiled now.
It took ages to boil that up.
- And now the leaf's got in - "And I was watching it.
" "Shall I fish it out leave it? - "I'll leave it in.
" - I'll leave it in.
- Bit stronger.
Ooh! So, actually, if you go right back there, it is tea first.
- Milk - Milk second.
- Milk never.
- Tea first.
Milk?! - Yeah.
- "Are you putting milk in that? It's already got leaves in it!" - Ugh! So how did they find out that you could have milk in a tea? Was he drinking tea and a cow just went past him like that? Squirted a bit in DROWNED BY APPLAUSE Eureka! It's milkmaid having a cup of tea Ooh! Don't want to get the teat in, though, do you? AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, listen to them all, the empathy with the udder, there.
Oh! Can you imagine your own udders going in? I think it's fair to say you probably can't.
He had tea, then he had a pedicure.
He certainly looks like he could use one.
Very bad hammertoes.
Is that his arm? No, that's the scenery.
- Now I can see that.
- Yeah.
He's got two mountains on his head, Sandi.
Who is this weirdo? As long as he's got a little tea shop on one of them, though.
The story that I don't understand is the Buddhist tradition of how tea was first discovered.
So, apparently, according to Buddhists, it grew from Buddha's eyelids.
Buddha wanted to meditate for nine years and he kept falling asleep.
- Right, it was nine years, long time.
- Yeah.
- That's good meditation.
That's really good.
And so in frustration, he ripped off his eyelids and he threw them to the ground, and that's how the first tea plant grew.
- Ripped off his eyelids? - Yeah.
- That's extreme.
- Just open your eyes! - Yeah.
And now there's just people whispering on YouTube so you don't have to rip anything off.
That's the new relaxation technique, isn't it? - They whisper? - Oh, that's What is that called? It's got a fancy name.
Someone in here'll know.
- AUDIENCE: ASMR! - There you go.
They sort of whisperthey Some of them fold towels and Yeah, or pretend they're cutting your hair, or something.
Have you seen this? LOYISO: No.
And that's because you've got better things to do, frankly.
You know, the mad thing is, it doesn't matter how many shows you've done, they'll have more views than all of us put together.
It's unbelievable.
I'll start whispering meself.
I can fold a towel! Your next DVD should be whispered.
Am I the only person who noticed that you said DVD? I did say DVD, yeah.
Who uses DVDs? - Whoa! What? - LAUGHTER - Me! - APPLAUSE Unbelievable! Everybody just glanced over that like that wasn't a crazy thing to say.
- I still use I still use - DVDs?! - I'm still on VHS.
- LAUGHTER I played a cassette only yesterday and do you know what happened? It got stuck.
Do you remember when cassettes used to stretch - if you played them for too long? - You'd get a little pen, little pencil inside.
Oh, good times! Or they'd get stuck If you're driving and you pop one out while you're driving, then the whole, the tape "It's my best tape! "Don't pull it, don't pull it, don't pull it! "Pull over, it's the M4! Get out! Get out!" "Get it out with a pencil.
Get it out! "Now wind it on.
Wind it on.
"Come on, you're four years old, you can do this!" Mount Hua gives a whole new meaning to high tea.
What's even quainter than a model village? A giant boy.
I used to go and see these things as a family.
- It's still a thing.
- My father would get his cine camera out and then he would just film the model village.
He wouldn't film his children.
He filmed the model village, in which nothing happens, nothing moves.
- Was it on Super 8 as well, so it sort of went like that? - Oh, yeah! Don't mention Super 8 in front of him! Then he'd set up a projector and screen in the living room, put all the lights out, pull the curtains, put it on and we'd all sit there.
"Here's the holiday.
" "He's only He's just filmed the village, "he's just filmed the model village.
"We were in Lyme Regis for a fortnight and this is it.
" Do you know about model villages, darling? Is that a thing? I've never been to one, but, full disclosure.
English is one of the languages I speak.
So, it's not the first I speak it well.
No, you and me, both coming along.
LAUGHTER - What's your first language? - Xhosa's my first language.
- OK.
- So, like, when you say words like quaint, I might have my own definition of the word quaint which doesn't necessarily match yours.
So LAUGHTER - Are you saying that quaint is kind of old but cute? - Yes, like me.
Like I've had five DVDs out, so my career, to you, might be old and cute.
So, our suggestion for the world's quaintest thing is the model village within a model village within a model village, - which is within the actual village of Bourton-on-the-Water.
- Wow.
So, if you look at those things in the background, those are part of the model village, then you can see there's another model village and then, right there in the corner, is an even smaller model village.
It's like a village wormhole.
It just kind of keeps going and going.
It's like a man just doesn't want to go home, that's what it feels like.
He's developed a hobby that is ridiculous because he hates his life.
It was built in the 1930s, it took forever.
It's actually Grade II listed, the entire model village.
And you could buy the whole thing, with a life-size pub, in 2018 for under £600,000, if you wanted.
I know, you're suddenly thinking, "Ooh, mobile village AND a pub.
" But this is not the oldest model village example in the world.
It's beaten by Bekonscot Model Village, which is 90 years old this year, - Wow.
- It still has 15,000 visitors a month and it's got the cutest miniature shops.
So, look at this.
The greengrocer's is called Chris P Lettis.
- AUDIENCE SIGHS - Aw! I know! Sweet shop, Ivor Cavity's.
LAUGHTER My current favourite, the chemist, Hakes & Paynes.
These are things you do when you have met all your basic needs as a human being.
Yes, this is I don't think people in Uganda are worried about this stuff.
Fair comment.
Fair comment.
Fair enough.
There's another model village called Babbacombe Model Village.
Have a look at this.
This is a part of the model village that they've just put in last year.
- Oh, brilliant! - Aw! So, this is That's meant to be me, darling, on the right there.
Tall, isn't it? Well They very sweetly lent me me.
Oh, wow! Out of interest, many of you who've known me a long time, - what's wrong with the model of me? - I've never seen you in a skirt.
There's certainly a set of cankles on there.
Never seen me in a skirt, ever! No! I don't own a skirt.
I appear to have ballet pumps on.
I just That's just not what a lesbian on television looks like! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE My tits came out well.
So LAUGHTER Now, who has type Q blood? SARAH: The Queen.
No? Er KLAXON APPLAUSE - Is it a trick? - It is a trick.
- Is it an animal? It is an animal, yes.
- Can you undo that bloody ringer then? That - No.
- No.
KLAXON That's going to haunt It's an animal.
- It is an animal, darling.
- Er, dog, rhino, ergiraffe.
- Dog, rhino?! - Dog.
- So, it's horses.
- Oh! - Close there.
Not really.
- No, we weren't.
- Dog, rhino, giraffe - no.
- No.
If you put all them together, that's an horse.
LAUGHTER So, humans have two types of antigens, so that's the protein that can cause an allergic reaction.
You can either have one or both or neither, so you could have A blood, B blood, - AB or type, type O.
- I don't know anything about blood.
Horses have seven different antigens, so they have seven different blood groups.
Type A and type Q are the most common.
I don't know why they haven't done them alphabetically.
- Why not A to G? - I don't know.
Then there's C, D, J, P and U.
I've no idea what that's about.
Well, maybe that's the horse alphabet.
Maybe that's how they do So, where do we get horse blood from? The inside of a horse.
No alarm for that?! LAUGHTER I was going to say that, then I thought, "That's a bloody alarm.
"I'm not going to say it.
" And he said it, no alarm.
No alarm, because he was right.
- Oh.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shit! So, you can't store it in a blood bank.
So the Royal Veterinary College at the University of London, they keep four horses on site and their entire job is just to donate blood.
Do they get a cup of tea and a biscuit? They do.
They're currently called Miller, Darcy, Freddy and Sonny.
I remember when my daughter was born and we donated to - You donated her? - We donated her.
I've got five kids, I was like, "Someone else have this one.
" - "You can have that one, for blood.
" - LAUGHTER But you can donate the umbilical cord.
- Yes.
- Anthony Nolan, I think the charity's called.
And they're like vampires.
They're literally at the door, waiting.
"Have they had it yet? Have they had it yet? Have they had it yet?" We're like, "We're busy having a baby, mate.
" I mean, I wasn't busy, obviously.
I was playing Football Manager, but It was worth doing.
There was an Australian gentleman called James Harrison, he used to be known as the Man With the Golden Arm, and he saved 2.
4 million babies by giving blood nearly every week for 60 years.
- It's your shirt.
He's got your shirt.
- Oh, yes! APPLAUSE That's you in about ten years.
Ten?! He was an amazing guy.
So, his blood contained disease-fighting antibodies which fight Rhesus disease.
That's when the blood of pregnant women attacks their unborn babies.
He was awarded the Order of Australia, which is the country's highest honour, in 1999, and he made over a thousand separate blood donations - and saved 2.
4 million babies.
- Wow.
- I know! - Legend.
SARAH: That's amazing.
Makes the rest of us look, you know, like we've done nothing.
- I did it once and I was like, "Not again!" - Why? Because it's needles.
I'm just scared of needles.
I just wait for one of me piles to pop and then I give that.
ALL GROAN I just like the noises.
I like the noises! LAUGHTER Horses have type Q blood but there's NEIGH chance they can share it with you.
- GROANING Come on.
- Oh, yes! Speaking of queues, what's the worst thing about being held in a queue? Can I put something out that happened to me that's related to queues that I think I I feel like I was a bad person for doing this, but I shouldn't feel that.
What I love is that you ask my permission.
Alan never bloody asks! I'm in a new country, you guys are kicking people out.
I don't know anything APPLAUSE So, I was in Australia last year and a friend of mine suggested we go have some dim sum.
So we get to the dim sum place and there's a queue and then someone who's pregnant comes and then they all let her go to the front of the line.
I'm like, "No, you don't go in front.
It's for dim sum!" I mean, am I a bad person for not letting a pregnant woman - to the front of the line for dim sum? - Yes.
- Yeah.
For dim sum?! OK, everybody vote.
Let's vote.
Is that a bad thing? Yes, yes? Hands up! Yes.
MAINLY YESES, SCATTERED NOS FOR DIM SUM? And if you think it's not a bad thing? Who says it's not a bad thing? MURMURS Oh It's about 52-48! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I mean, even in this queue here, that guy at the end clearly needs a poo.
He's bought the He's bought the roll.
He's bent double, and he's still queuing! "Come on! Please can I go to the front? "Please can I go to the front?!" Are you equating a woman who's pregnant with a man who needs a shit? It's the closest we've got! Let's talk about a different kind of queue, - so when you are on the phone.
- Oh, yeah.
What's the worst thing about that, do you reckon? It's when the computer doesn't get your accent.
I get that a lot.
I used to ring the Odeon film line.
Oh, yeah.
I used to work for them.
Be careful.
The Odeon film line, to find out - This is going back, innit? - That's the job I had.
to find out the times of the films.
This is even before DVDs! Yes, before DVDs.
- So, "Which Odeon cinema are you interested in?" - Yeah.
- And I would say.
" - Yeah.
And it would say, "Did you say Manchester?" Every time! No similarity between the two words! There's almost no letters that are the same.
Actually, that was just one of us.
"Bolton!" "Did you say Baghdad?" I can't stand the music.
I can't stand when they play music to you when you're on the phone, but the idea of it was discovered entirely by accident.
So, we're talking about the early 1960s and there's a guy called Alfred Levy, and he discovered the whole thing by accident.
His factory's phone lines developed a fault and there was a loose wire touching a metal girder on the building and it had turned it into a giant receiver and audio being broadcast from a radio station next door was transmitted through the wire and could be heard on the calls which had been put on hold.
And he took a patent out for the Telephone Hold Programme System and it solved the problem of dead air.
That's the bit people don't really like.
It's the bit where they don't really hear anything.
Anyway, moving on - what is this woman queen of? - She's called Frances Lockett of Hyde.
- Hyde, in Manchester? What, does that upset you? No, I just didn't know there was any royalty from Manchester.
Textiles, textile mills.
I've been to Manchester, there's loads of queens, darling.
APPLAUSE - And it's all the better for it.
- I know.
- Absolutely.
Quite right.
What do we reckon? She's rather a fine-looking woman, Frances Lockett.
Doesn't look like a very authentic crown.
Well, it's a really sweet thing.
And I don't know if we shouldn't bring it back.
So, from the 1920s to the 1980s, there was a tradition of crowning queens of industry.
So, women chosen to represent British industries.
And some of them had crown jewels.
So, Frances was Cotton Queen and she was an actual weaver, so she had to know all about it.
And the idea grew out of the May Queen traditions.
Promoting British industry, obviously, but it was also hoping that the practice would give the workers something to celebrate.
So, this is an industry day.
- Out to Paris for the day.
- Out to Paris, yes.
Great, isn't it? So, the first railway queens were crowned to the 1920s and then the idea, it spread to other ones.
And they weren't really beauty contests.
So, Frances Lockett, when she became Cotton Queen, she had to answer technical questions.
She was a weaver and she did really know about it.
And then they had to go and open events and spread the word about the industry and so on.
And American companies got involved as well.
The Zion Meat Company named Geene Courtney their Sausage Queen during National Hot Dog Week in 1955.
Things have picked up! So, we've made crowns for you because I think you all deserve them.
- If you want to pop them on? Now, Sarah - Yes.
You're from South Shields.
Is that right? - So glassware would seem entirely appropriate.
- OK.
Well, people have been glassed there, so that's true enough.
Jason, cotton, obviously.
Cotton from Manchester.
Yeah, cos we're just massive on growing cress in a dark room.
Alan's got veggie sausages, which we thought was appropriate.
And, Loyiso, do you know why you've got a centrifuge on your head? - This is what we wear at a football game in South Africa.
- Oh! It's a centrifuge, which is a scientific thing and - this is terribly pleasing - 1.
6% of all exports from South Africa are centrifuges.
So we just thought we'd make a hat for you.
I don't even know what a centrifuge is! - It's that! - It's that.
This is mine.
Are you going to help me? Yeah, I need to come and help you.
So I You may or may not know this, but I'm slightly passionate about model railways.
In fact, I'm currently building one in my office at home.
- Are you going to build a little mini one inside it? - Yes.
So, darling, I think you have to hold it very flat.
See if it will work.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
There was a Railway Queen called Audrey Mossom.
She was sent to Russia in 1936 on a controversial peace trip to meet Joseph Stalin.
Anyway, she was the second celebrity - to switch on the Blackpool illuminations.
- Aw! - I know! - Crikey.
- I would love to do that.
When I went, it was whatshisname who sang I Am The One And Only - Chesney Hawkes! He turned on the Blackpool lights and then he did One And Only and then he finished it and he went, "Thank you, Blackpool!" And we said, "Thank you!" because we're polite, and he said "Merry Christmas!" We said, "Merry Christmas, Chesney!" He said, "Do you want another song?" And 5,000 people went, "Have you got another one?" Right, hats away, please.
Thank you very much.
Here's a question about quids.
Why are goods more likely to be priced at 99p rather than rounded up to a quid? Cos it looks less? It is one of the reasons.
It's not the main reason.
When I had a job, er - .
with, um - LOYISO: How many jobs did you have, man? I'm still getting away with this one! - Says who? - Yeah, well APPLAUSE I used to work for a lovely old man called Mr Patel, back when I was 16, and he had a corner shop and everything was priced £4.
23, £5.
67, £8.
54, and I always thought it was odd.
And one day, I said, "Why is it priced like this?" And he said, "Because it means that you have to go into the till "to get change.
" So, basically, he didn't trust me.
It basically meant, if it's a round number, someone can just give you a tenner and you could pocket that.
- That is exactly the reason, darling.
- Good on Mr Patel! Yes! APPLAUSE - Even now, with credit cards and? - Well, I mean it used to be Not so much now, with all that contactless and so on, but in the 1870s, there was an American man called James Ritty and he ran a saloon in Dayton, Ohio.
And he noticed that some of the staff were actually pocketing money rather than putting it in the till.
And then, in 1878, he was travelling to Europe and he noticed that the ship had a mechanism which counted the number of rotations made by the propellers.
And he came home - his brother was a mechanic - and they built a counting machine that could track the number of transactions and so be aware if there were any inconsistencies.
And they called this new machine Ritty's Incorruptible Cashier and they sold it to what eventually became the National Cash Register Company.
And they added a cash drawer and a bell and every transaction had to be rung through.
And if you were charging 0.
99, it meant you had to go and get a penny change.
- I can't believe I got that right.
- Yeah.
I feel like I'm the lad on Slumdog Millionaire and I'm like Also, that picture, is that me in ten years? APPLAUSE But you were right as well, Sarah, because the fact is 9.
99 does look less than £10 and that does play a part in it.
Because you read from the left.
You read from the left, and 99p seems like a bargain.
Which brings us to the stranded bag of Quavers on the end of a metal spiral that we call General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please! What would happen if you drank your pint through a straw? You get punched in the face by the rest of the people in the pub.
DRAMATIC JAZZ PLAYS Sarah? RELUCTANTLY: You get drunk quicker.
KLAXON BLARES I like the way they've shown us how to say it properly.
Yes! "You'd get drunk more quickly.
" Yes! KLAXON BLARES APPLAUSE But people do think that, Sarah.
It is a thing, isn't it? Probably, it's just that anybody drinking alcohol through a straw is already in the mood to drink quite a lot of alcohol.
People used to think you create a vacuum inside the straw that causes the alcohol to evaporate.
Another explanation, it could be that because you're too busy sucking the drink the lack of oxygen can make you feel giddy.
Could it also be because you're getting it all in your mouth? Yeah, all of it.
But neither of those explanations really works.
How drunk you feel is entirely down to how much alcohol is in your system.
It doesn't actually matter how it gets there.
Now, what are the best pants to wear if you want to have a baby? I'm looking at you, Jason.
Two people went, "None!" Both women.
I'm talking about boys.
Oh, well, I guess he'll want like baggier, sort of boxers - Sperm-growing pants.
- .
rather than tight KLAXON BLARES - Now say, "Tight ones.
" Say, "Tight ones.
" - Tight ones? KLAXON BLARES I think it would just be Jason's pants - because he keeps having babies.
- That's true.
It's long been thought that tight underpants might be bad for fertility.
So the idea was that if you warm up a man's testicles, the sperm might be of lower quality.
But the difference in temperature, about one degree centigrade, not enough to damage sperm.
Can I ask how you do damage sperm? Have you got? Did you have any? A really small hammer.
What are you asking me for?! And that's the end of our walk on the quirky side.
This week's winner, with -8, it's Loyiso! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In second place, with -18, it's Sarah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - In third place - You threw me under the bus, you did! I had that Mr Patel thing, I was pissing it! In third place, with -20, it's Alan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Unbelievable.
Which means .
in last place .
with -26, it's Jason! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, it's thanks to Loyiso, Sarah, Jason and Alan.
Finally, I leave you with this quirky quote from American comedian Mitch Hedberg.
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house.
"Then I'm going to put pins "into all the locations that I've travelled to.
"But first, I'm going to have to travel to "the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
" BELL RINGS There's the school bell! There are eight questions tonight.
What is blue and sounds like a whale? QUIETLY: Is it a blue whale? KLAXON BLARES And your hair! I think I'm not the only one who's amazed it's stayed on.
- THUD! - I'd just like BLOWS CONCH What's the most dangerous thing to do in bed? Tell the truth.
HE JABBERS "This photograph was taken of me at my modern-jazz dance class.
" What is this game? There are no rules.
You can stamp on me glasses while you're at it! BUZZER: "Oh, yes, it is.
" AUDIENCE: Oh, no, it isn't! IN GRUFF VOICE: Oh, Alan.
You absolute doughnut.
Oh, my God.
Um Shut your face! Oh, no, no! Honest to God, it's like being in an old people's home! Nice.
What's an expensive vegetable? Prosecco.
What is the name of this? - Steve.
- Yes! - No! - It is! APPLAUSE This is a great show.
I'm learning so much! My husband's got one special toenail for scratching his eczema.
It's awful, isn't it? ALL GROAN Is that the sort of thing you're after? What did the Qin make their candles from? Blue whales? Yes! - Shut up! - CHEERING
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