Quantum Leap s05e12 Episode Script
A Tale of Two Sweeties - February 25, 1958
Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr.
Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished.
He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better.
His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear.
And so, Dr.
Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
Dad.
! Dad, you're home.
! Daddy.
! Daddy.
! You're here.
! Well, it's about time.
Mmm.
Arriving passenger Martin Elroy, please report to the courtesy desk.
- Martin Elroy.
- What's that about? What's what about? They just paged you.
Oh.
Well, I guess I was so excited to see everybody, I didn't hear it.
Oh! Well, we'll get your bags and meet you at the curb.
But don't take too long.
I've got a pot roast in the oven and somethin' special for dessert.
Come on.
Welcome back, Daddy.
Attention, please.
This is the final boarding call for flight 203 to Miami.
Look at this.
Just a moment, please.
You, uh- Kids? Yea, Dad! Oh, Daddy! Oh! I missed you, Daddy! Mmm! Surprise.
! I missed you, Daddy.
Oh, boy.
Marty, aren't you glad to see us? Yeah, I am.
Sure.
I'm just a little surprised, that's all.
It got lonely in Brooklyn, baby.
I know you're here on business, but the kids hadn't seen you in such a long time.
So I checked your itinerary and I figured, if we piled into the station wagon and drove down right away, we'd hit Florida just when you did.
So, ta-da! Here we are.
Here they are.
So where are we staying? Well, I haven't really, uh, checked in yet.
Everybody down.
I recommend the Pompano Palace.
It's right on the beach.
I've been there over the years.
It's a nice place.
The Pompano Palace on the beach is really great.
Yes! That's beautiful.
You tell 'em that Al Calavicci sent you.
And, um- - And they'll treat you first class.
- Oh, the tropics make me hot.
Just tell 'em Al Calavicci sent you.
Sent me? What about you? And who's Al Calavicci? That man.
He's standing right here.
And he's smoking a cigar.
Can't you see him? - No.
- Uh-uh! No.
No.
Uh, I'm Daddy's invisible friend.
She can see us.
But that's not Daddy.
Oh, uh-Yes, it is.
It-It's Daddy in disguise.
Oh.
Oh.
- Daddy's in disguise.
- Where does she come up with this stuff? Probably books and stuff that she'd be reading.
Right, Dad.
All the characters in Mother Goose smoke cigars.
Don't you take that tone with your father, young man! Why don't you take the kids and go on and check in, okay? I'll be with you soon as I can.
Aren't you coming with us? Uh, I gotta make a stop first.
What kind of stop? Well, you're a traveling salesman for Bestway Brushes.
I'm a traveling salesman.
I knew you're a traveling salesman.
You cover a lot of territory.
Of course you know that.
But I got to meet a client about a big sale.
Big sale? Big brushes.
Big brushes.
For big brushes? Yeah.
You better get out of here before "you know who" shows up.
Daddy's friend, Al, wants us to go now.
He says someone's looking for Daddy.
Marty, have you been gambling again? What? - Mmm.
- Al says yes.
Don't lie to me, Marty.
You know it makes me crazy.
She's talking to my invisible friend.
Don't forget that.
Oh! Right.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It must be the humidity.
All right.
Come on.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you all later.
Huh? Where are you taking us for dinner? Um, I'm not sure that I'll be able to make it back in time for dinner.
Marty Elroy, are you up to no good? I'll be there for dinner.
Let's go! Move it.
Move it.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Al.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Al, I'm a bigamist! Can you believe this? I got a wife in Brooklyn and a wife in Pompano Beach.
Yeah.
Seems like a great setup.
Uh, unless they meet.
That's what Ziggy says you're here to do, is to keep 'em apart.
For how long? Don't know.
I mean, Marty had no idea that Rachel was coming to Florida.
Which one's Rachel? Uh, the last one.
The one that gets hot in the tropics.
Eh, her kids areJosh and Jessica.
Now, the wife that wants you for dessert is Ellen.
Her kids are Mary and Martin.
Mary Martin? Yeah.
Peter Pan was big in the '50s.
Yeah, but where's Tinkerbell? That's your dog.
You got a pedigreed greyhound.
Al- - Marty.
! Yoo-hoo.
! - I got a greyhound for a pet? Yeah.
Uh, you're a big fan of the dog races, and you bought Tinkerbell for an investment.
Now listen, have fun with Ellen, but don't be late for Rachel.
Ah, gee.
This is my kinda leap! Dad.
! Hurry up.
! Let's go, honey.
Uh, what's been goin'on since I've been gone? I got an "A" on my science project.
Yeah? Oh, that's great.
Uh, what was it about? Uh, static electricity.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
He proved why clothes stick together in the dryer.
That's great.
And Mary had her checkup at the dentist.
Good.
No cavities! That's great too.
You said you'd bring them a reward, remember? Rewa- Of course.
This is definitely a time for rewards.
Just gotta - Where did I put those, uh, rewards? You usually put them in your tote bag.
Right! Right.
They're in my tote bag.
Okay? I'll go get it.
I, uh, finished that special math assignment you gave me.
Oh, good.
You handicapped the dog races for me? You owe me three bucks.
What? Here we are.
! Reward time.
! Okay.
! Reward time.
All right.
Let's see what we got in here.
Uh, something should be in here for Marty.
There we go! MartyJr.
And Mary.
There you are.
A shoehorn? From the Fiesta Hotel? Very practical.
Yeah, but it's what you got me last time.
But you got two feet, right? Look! A disposable shower cap.
Well, I know I got a lot more stuff in here, you know, so just don't panic.
Excuse me.
I have to go study for my history test.
I thought your history test wasn't until next week.
- It's a big test.
- Maybe I can help.
It's not about the horse races.
How come Mom always gets more presents than we do? Because she's- she's the mother.
Come on.
Uh, there's gotta be more stuff in here.
That's it! I told you last time, I'm not taking my lunch to school in a barf bag! Don't you take that tone with your father, young man! I gotta go.
Where? Got to go! Well, I got a meeting, you know.
After dinner? Yeah.
Well, uh, the client is a guy from, uh, Tokyo, see? And over in Tokyo right now, it's morning.
And this guy, he's-he's still stuck on Tokyo time.
But it's movie night, Martin.
You know Friday night is movie night.
Yeah, well - There's a cartoonarama at the theater, and the children love cartoons.
Yes.
And you promised.
But don't you understand? Is there something you're not telling me, Martin? Like perhaps you're going to the track? No! No! I'm not going to the track.
No, I'm not.
Really.
Listen, how about if we go, uh, to the movies tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? Yeah.
Is our night.
Remember? Oh.
Naughty schoolgirl night? Okay.
Well, then why don't you go to the movies, and I'll meet you? How's that? Okay? All right.
I'll- Are you forgetting something? Am I forgetting some- Oh! Yeah.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
! I missed you, babe.
What took you so long? It was a long meeting with a lot of, uh, big brushes that we had to talk about.
The kids were getting antsy, so I had to order in.
Eat, Marty.
What's the matter? Well, I'm just not in the mood for pizza today, that's all.
I'm in the mood for you.
Tonight's chambermaid night, remember? Hey, Dad.
! Look what I got.
! We got Kleenex, shoehorns, shower caps.
I got towels, two bars of soap, sewing kits and last, but certainly not least, two rolls of toilet paper! - Where'd you get all that stuff? - I raided the maid's cart.
- You can't steal from the maid! - Why not? You taught me how to do it.
We need a bath mat.
One bath mat coming up.
No.
! No.
! Wait a sec- Josh, get back here.
! Jo- No.
! No, thank you.
L- I-I don't feel like it.
Come on.
Daddy.
Daddy.
! What's this for? Ah, look at that! I haven't seen one of those since 19- Since the last time I was in a really nice hotel.
See, you, um-You take a dime, right, and you put it in there.
And then you turn it on.
And it makes the whole bed shake, kinda like a massage.
I know another way to make the bed shake.
Mm-hmm.
I've got a dime.
Well, here.
Let me have it.
I'll turn it on.
I'm no thief.
Come on.
And I'm no sucker.
A Massage-omatic.
You apologize to your father right now.
One time Ruthie and I were in Cleveland, and we had one of those things running for nine hours straight.
This is so fun! There was nothin'else to do.
- Al, I don't want to hear about it.
- But, Marty, she's giving you lip.
He's not talking to you.
He's talking to his invisible friend.
- I need to go to the bathroom.
- Me first! What? Wait, wait, wait! Wait a second! I'm gonna beat you! Make sure you open the window when you're done, honey.
Sam, I'll meet you in the hall.
I'll use the one in the lobby.
What did you find out, Al? Well, I was talking to the real Marty.
I think I found a new idol.
Idol? Al! The guy's a bigamist! Look at that guy.
I know.
But think about it.
If I had tried that, I could have - I could've gone through 10 wives instead of five! Al.
I got Rachel and her kids to the hotel.
I got Ellen and her kids to the house.
Uh-huh.
They didn't bump into each other.
I did what I was supposed to do.
Now, why haven't I leaped? That's not what you were supposed to do.
That's what you said I was supposed to do! That was just the first part.
Okay.
Okay.
What's the second part? Well, now Ziggy's saying there's a 75% chance that you're here because Marty's only supposed to have one wife.
What? All right.
Okay.
Well, then-then which one? Oh, you're not gonna like this.
Well, just have Ziggy tell me which wife I'm supposed to pick, okay? No.
No.
It's not that easy.
Just tell me.
I know.
But each one has strengths and weaknesses.
Al.
And pluses and "minuseses.
" Al! The odds are, uh, 50-50.
Fifty- Oh, boy.
How am I gonna pick somebody if the odds are 50-50? Well, which one do you like? Huh? I don't know.
Um, which one do you like? Me? Yeah.
I don't know.
Rachel.
Ellen? Rachel? Ellen? You and Ellen? What do ya mean, me and Ellen? What are ya laughing at? She's not your type.
I mean, Rachel's the one with the vibrating bed.
Is that why you picked her? No.
No.
It's not the reason.
I don't know why I picked her, Al.
I guess because it seems like she needs more help straightening out her life.
Ellen seems stronger, you know, more put together.
Hmm.
Well, I love- I love taking things apart and foolin' with 'em.
Al.
Yeah? Who does Marty think that he should pick? He can't make up his mind either.
He married Ellen first, so technically she's got three years of seniority.
What about Rachel? Oh, that's kinda romantic.
He married her on a bet.
A bet? Yeah.
She works as a cocktail waitress at the Long Island Turf Club.
And he bet her that she couldn't stay married to him for one year.
And they're celebrating their ninth anniversary next month.
Great.
Great.
How's that gonna help me pick? Right? Somebody's gonna get hurt here.
Well, Marty can only have one wife.
What a shame.
Al.
Huh? How am I gonna choose which one? Well, you get to know them a little bit.
You have dessert with Ellen.
You-You fan Rachel's little hot tropical flame there.
And - But right now you better forget that and get to the theater.
Oh, God! Oh! I'll see you later.
Rachel, listen, I-I know you drove all the way down here to see me and everything, but, uh, right now I have this very important meeting that I have to get to, okay? Didn't you have a meetin' this afternoon? Yes.
But this is a meeting about that meeting.
See? So I'll be back in just a second, okay? You're making me crazy again, Marty! We drove all the way down here to see you.
I know, but- Sam.
Maybe you shouldn't go because Ziggy says there's a 50-50 chance you're supposed to be here with Rachel.
Look, then I'm gonna be late for the other appointment.
Jessica missed her piano recital, and Josh missed his play all because they wanted to spend time with their father.
Okay.
All right.
But, you see, I can't be in two places at once.
I'm having palpitations.
You? Yeah.
All right.
Look.
Look.
Okay.
All right.
Just sit down.
Open the door! Come on! I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll cancel my meeting.
Okay? You can't do that! No! Ziggy says there's a All right! Okay! Um, and I'll tell you what.
Instead, let's all go to the movies.
Oh! Oh! Oh! You really mean it? Okay? Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, how about we all go see Chainsaw Massacre in the Sand? Or Invaders from Uranus? How 'bout that, huh? No.
We're going to the cartoonarama.
Oh, Dad, I hate cartoons.
I'm sick of cartoons.
Yeah, well- - Sounds dangerous to me, Sam.
- You got a better idea? I just gave you two.
Josh, stop whining! Mom! Come on, Jessica! I'm ready.
Okay! Last one to the car's a rotten egg! Let's go! I get to sit in the front.
No, I do.
No, you just did last time- It's Jessica's turn, Joshua.
That's it! It's my turn! No lip from you, or you stay right here! I can't wait to see the cartoon! Josh.
I know how you feel.
Sometimes it's tough being an older brother.
Things don't always seem fair.
But your little sister is too young to understand.
That's why we make excuses for her- because we're more grown up than she is.
- Come on, Dad.
- "Come on" what? Whenever we have a heart-to-heart, the next thing you do is you hit me up for cash.
- What? - And you know I'm tapped out.
You borrowed my allowance, and then you raided my piggy bank.
Wait.
Wait.
I'm broke.
Wait! I don't want your allowance.
I could see you were upset, and I care about you.
I just wanted to talk to you about it.
I hate when you beg.
This is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is 52 cents.
It's the last of my lunch money.
Just don't spend it all in one place.
Okay? I think I'd better go get Ziggy to see if she can tilt these odds.
I, uh, have to go to the bathroom.
You just spent 20 minutes in the bathroom at the hotel.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
I want popcorn! Me too! And a hot dog! And I want a black cow.
Me too! I want licorice sticks and I want french fries.
Okay? Yeah.
Me too! Get me an ice cream bar.
Okay.
Popcorn for everybody.
A hot dog! Black cow.
Black cow.
Black cow.
! Two hot dogs.
Two black cows.
French fries.
Licorice.
I want french fries.
! Some licorice.
! And an ice cream "bah.
" And an ice cream "bah"- bar.
Here's five dollars.
And remember, Marty, I count the change.
Look who's here! Dad! Oh, what a nice surprise! And the races aren't even over yet.
And here I am.
How about that? I'm gonna go get some popcorn.
I'll be right back, okay? Martin, honey, we don't get popcorn until intermission.
It's fresher now.
Just sit still and watch the movie.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Me too.
- Not until intermission.
- I can't hold it.
All right.
There you go- two popcorns and one orangejuice.
Hey, you go ahead, all right? I thought you had to go.
I'm gonna go later.
I'm gonna get a soda, and I'll meet you back in the theater, okay? Okay.
Two popcorns, three black cows- Jessica.
Hi.
What are you doing out here? Mommy wants to know what's taking so long.
The line in the men's room was long.
But the food line's a lot shorter.
So I'll get all the food, and I'll meet you back inside with Mommy.
Hmm.
Okay.
Whew! All right.
Get a pencil and paper 'cause this is a lot of stuff here.
Three popcorns, two brown cows, french fries, licorice, two hot dogs and an ice cream bar.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
That should be 2.
95.
What is all this? It's just a little snack, that's all.
Dad says they gave it to him for free.
He was the 100th customer.
Oh, my! That ice cream bar sure looks yummy.
Wait a minute.
You said we wouldn't eat anything till intermission.
Look, a hot dog.
Licorice sticks forJunior and black cows! You remembered I love black cows! All right.
Hold it! The guy forgot my ketchup.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
! Here I am! What took so long? Well- Where's my hot dog? Where's my licorice? Where's Mom's ice cream bar? Give me that! That's mine! Give it to me! Give it back to me! Give it back! Give it back to me! It's mine! I had it first! Can you believe the guy forgot to put 'em in there? He was- I'll be right back.
Junior, keep an eye on your sister.
I'm going to look for your father.
That's it.
That's it! He's probably on the phone placing a bet.
Josh, watch your sister.
I'm going to give your father a piece of my mind.
Oh, my God.
! Look at the goodies.
! Look at that popcorn! Look at the ice cream bar! Al, this ice cream bar could ruin his marriage.
Which one? Babe? Uh-oh.
Honey? Uh-oh.
Sam, do something.
Hide.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Honey.
! Babe? Honey! Stay low, Sam.
! Going, going, going- You got away with it this time, Sam.
Whew.
Wow.
Al! Where's your ice cream bar? Huh? Your ice cream bar? Oh, no! Oh, man! You stepped on your ice cream bar.
Sam! And you need more popcorn.
I don't have a dime.
I don't have anything at all.
Oh, whoa! Whoa! I don't wanna hear you say that! You know how that makes me feel.
Bicarb.
Do I know you guys? No hard I.
D.
's on these guys, but knowing how Marty gambled, they're probably gamblers.
Gus, don't you hate it when they do that? Don't you hate it when they say that? "I forgot it.
" "I left it in my other pants.
" "I had to bail my Aunt Frieda out of jail.
" Marty, you know better than this.
I mean, I'm ashamed of you.
Al? You know that this is movie night.
And on movie night we always go and take a little walk and have our little chat.
Uh, so, yeah.
H - How did you like the movie tonight, you guys? We don't review the picture.
But, you know, on the other hand, I liked the movie very much.
I love happy endings.
I hate it when a movie makes me cry.
It's part of my sensitive nature.
I wouldn't go see Bambi then.
It's a real tearjerker.
Don't be smart, Marty.
I hate it when you're smart.
Hey, you nozzle! If you were really smart, you wouldn't owe us two grand again.
Two grand.
Isn't that a coincidence? That's exactly what you owe us- two thousand again.
! Listen, Marty- two thousand, 24 hours.
Please get the money.
You know me- that sensitive, artistic side of me.
Every time Gus here breaks thumbs, I get indigestion for a week.
It's that crunching, cracking sound.
I just- Hey.
Here.
Buy your kids some popcorn.
Whoever said "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'; never scorned two women.
And even though I had two wives, I wound up sleeping on a park bench.
I would have liked to have given them more time to cool off, but my solar plexus kept reminding me that Vic and Gus meant business.
Shut up, Jake.
! I know you don't want to talk to me, but could you just at least listen? I'm really sorry about last night, and I really need to talk to your mother.
She already left for work, and she told me not to let you in if you showed up.
Look, Marty, you're a little young to understand all this, but your dad's in big trouble.
Dad, you've been in trouble since I can remember.
You missed my first Little League game because of opening day at Hialeah.
You hocked my Christmas presents last year.
This time the cupboard's bare.
No.
No.
L-I didn't come here asking for money, okay? Uh, could I at least come in and take a shower? Hold on a second.
Here.
What are you doin'? I hope this helps.
No.
L-I don't want the money.
Take it.
Think of it as a loan, okay? I'll- I'll put it on your tab.
Just take it.
Look, I'm really sorry I hocked your Christmas presents and missed all your Little League games.
Somehow, I'm gonna try and make it up to you.
Okay.
You can come in.
But I still have to check your pockets when you leave.
Yeah.
Coming.
Bad time, Dad.
Oh, wait a second.
I really need to talk to your mom.
No.
I don't think it's a good idea.
I just want to apologize, okay? Do you think she'll see me? Well, she's not here.
She went to get her hair done.
Where? At the beauty parlor in the lobby.
Wait, Dad.
How much money do you need this time? None.
L-I'm fine.
Take this.
Josh.
No.
No.
No.
Take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Look - My mom keeps some extra cash in the jewelry box.
She gave that to me to buy some souvenirs for Aunt Renee and Uncle Harvey.
But- But I-I guess I can give 'em the bath mat instead.
You don't understand.
No.
No, Dad.
Just take it, please? And-And maybe you should just leave Mom alone for a while.
Okay? I have two darling children.
Josh is eight, and Jessica's five.
How many do you have? Two.
Or three, if you count my husband.
Would you like it up or down? What do you think? Huh.
If I don't come up with $2,000 by tonight, I'm the one who's gonna have the broken thumb.
No, you're not gonna have a broken thumb.
No? You're gonna have two broken thumbs.
That's Vic's trademark.
Oh.
He takes 'em and he bends 'em back and twists 'em over like this.
Thanks, Al.
That's enough, okay? You may not like it, but you're gonna have to get that money from Ellen or Rachel.
I personally think that Ellen is the soft touch.
I really don't know why I put up with my husband.
I guess it's because deep down he has- I don't know what he has deep down.
Sometimes I worry about my kids.
Junior looks up to his father so much.
I'm afraid he's gonna be in for a big disappointment.
My husband isn't much of a father.
He thinks I should raise the kids.
We have a very traditional family.
So you don't work? No.
I work.
I'm a cocktail waitress at the Turf Club.
Gambling makes me sick.
Oh, me too.
At least my husband doesn't gamble.
Oh, neither does mine.
Thank goodness.
Thank God.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to a gambler.
Absolute hell.
Not that I would know.
You're gonna have a hell of a time getting a handout from either one of'em.
Which is why I need to know which wife I'm supposed to choose.
What's it got to do with the that I'm here to pick between Rachel and Ellen, right? Right.
I've been running around between both families, trying to decide which family needs me the most.
And I still don't have an answer, right? Right.
So- So I've gonna go to Ra- Gesundheit.
Thank you.
I gotta go to Rachel and hit her up for $2,000, I better make sure- darn sure- that it's not her.
Right.
Because if it is, then she's never gonna speak to me again.
Wait a second.
Then I'll never leap outta here.
I'll be stuck in the - Ziggy's freaking out here.
What's she saying? She says get the hell away from the win.
The win? The what? Dow.
Dow? Oh, the window.
Get the hell away from the- Ooh, the window! Get away from the window, quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! No wonder Ziggy's freakin' out.
They're probably talking about you in there right now! - Do they know? - No, I don't think so.
Because Ellen is just fixing Rachel's hair.
She's not pulling it out.
Al, why didn't you tell me that Ellen worked in there? You never asked me to check on it! All right.
I want you to go in there and listen to what they're saying, okay? I'm gonna figure out some way to get one of'em out of there.
How you gonna do that? I don't know! I just- Ah.
I'll call - I'll call 'em on the phone.
Which one? I don't know! Just go! Go on! I grew up on fairy tales.
My mother always told me that Prince Charming would come along on a white horse and sweep me off my feet.
She didn't tell you Prince Charming would have two grand riding on that horse, I bet.
My mother- God rest her soul- told me, "Rachel, you can put up with just about anything from a man.
He's a slob? Forget it.
He stays out with the boys? Who cares?" I like Mom already.
"The only thing that counts, Rachelah, is that he doesn't fool around.
" But not very much.
Amen to that.
And, you know, isn't it funny that the wife is always the last to know? Oh, I'd know.
They always think they'd know.
You would be surprised how these poor darlings find out.
Not as surprised as you sweeties are gonna be.
It happened to a friend of mine.
She overheard it in the powder room at Gage and Toners.
That's how she found out her husband was seeing another woman? No.
Another man! No! Yuck! Swear.
My husband told me.
Oh! Well, what does he do for a living? He's in sales.
Uh, Sam! Mine too.
What type of sales? - Is there a Rachel Elroy here? - That's me.
- Oh, thank God.
- You have a phone call.
Oh! My last name is Elroy too.
Really? Maybe we're related.
Closer than you think, honey.
Thank you.
Hello? Rachel.
- Oh, you.
- Rachel, don't hang up.
J- Just hear me out.
Now look, I know that I'm a no-good louse and a terrible father.
- And a terrible husband! - And I'm a terrible husband.
And I'm lower than pond scum.
And I'm low- A really terrible husband.
You got a point? The point is, I want to make it up to you.
I want to turn over a new leaf.
- You're not gettin' a dime from me.
- No, this isn't about money.
I left you a note on your car.
What's it say? - If you want to know, you have to go read it.
- That's a good one, Sam.
I'll think about it.
Ah, don't pay any attention to that.
She's hooked.
Keep the change, doll.
Ah, Sam, that note idea is brilliant.
I'm impressed.
Thanks.
"Thanks.
" So? So? So what'd the note say? All the right things.
Like? Believe me, she'll love the note.
Oh, okay.
I figured it out, Al! I know why I'm here! I know what Marty doesn't know.
Tell me, tell me, tell me! No? No? No.
I can't.
Why not? You're biased.
I'm not.
I know who you're rooting for.
No, you don't.
I do.
And I don't want to argue about it.
Tell me.
Who gets him? You'll find out tonight at 6:00.
Hi! Martin Joseph Elroy, I told you never to bother me here at work.
You did? I mean, I- I know that.
I know that.
But I came by to ask you out on a date.
What's your angle? I don't have an angle.
I've just been rotten to you and the kids, but I think I can change all that.
That is, if you meet me for dinner in the dining room at 6:00.
Here at the hotel? Yeah.
Who's paying? Well, don't - don't worry about that.
But that only gives me an hour to go home and change.
Just promise me that you'll be there? Okay.
Okay.
Well, will you look at this, Gus? What a model citizen.
Keep America beautiful.
See ya later, guys.
Don't I have a few more hours? Wasn't that the deal? Come on, Marty.
You're three days overdue now.
Last night I gave you some grace period.
You know me.
I'm a soft-hearted, easy-going kind of guy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I gotta share this with ya.
Last night, after our last conversation, bought a set of oil paints - you know, with the numbers? You think I got a chance at being an artist? What do ya think? Well- Like a snowball in hell, he's got a chance.
I think that, you know, van Gogh never painted a picture till he was 30.
Is that a fact? Hear that, Gus? Get me a scotch.
Yeah.
Where's the money, Marty? Well, I- I gotta make a phone call.
About the money? Of course.
For the money.
I'll just- Phone call? Yeah, operator.
Yeah.
Get me, uh, Klondike-7-55- uh, 55.
Who are you callin'? - Hello.
Big Al? - Oh, good idea! - I need a little help here.
- Yeah.
No Shinola, Sherlock! What happened to your secret plan? It's gonna be a disaster if I don't get out of here within a half hour.
- Yeah.
You're cutting it pretty thin.
- Yeah.
Well- And that starts next week.
You know, Big Al, I was just wondering- I wonder who's gonna win this race.
Sam, this is no time to be talking about gambling.
Oh, I'm not talking about gambling.
It's a good thing, because Ziggy says we can never, never, never, never, never, ever use information from the future for personal gain, and that's a rule.
Well, what idiot made up that rule? You did! I tried to talk you out of it, but no! You said it had to be a firmly embedded command.
Uh-oh.
What? One of your kids is running away.
Which one? Jessica.
She's packing her bags.
She's gonna hit the streets.
Listen, uh- Listen, I-I got a crisis here, okay? Um, one of my kids is running away from home, so if you could exc- Never mind.
Al? Listen to me.
You gotta go after her, okay? Because, remember, she can see you, so- What about these gorillas? I'll have to take my chances.
I'm gonna talk to Dr.
Beeks and see if she can't get Ziggy to break the rule just once.
No! No! No! There's not enough time! Just go! Okay.
I hope Marty's insurance is paid up.
Finally, there is Lead Balloon.
Okay, I'll see ya, Big Al.
Did you get the money, Marty? Well, not exactly-yet.
But I'll-I'll have it though, right after this race.
On the rail is Jill's Vision, followed by Bear in the Woods and Polish War Hero and the 40-to-1 shot, Lead Balloon.
! Forty-one, two, three, four, five, six.
Two thousand divided by 50 is 40! Will you lend me 350 and put a bet down on the 40-to-1 shot? On Lead Balloon? Yeah.
That nag'll come in dead last, and you're dead broke.
Hey! - Boy, a pool ofhumor today.
- Yeah, you are! But you know? What's another Because if it pays off at 40-to-1, I get $2,000.
I pay you and then we're even.
What do you say? Oh, come on.
Hey! No! No, no, no, no, no! Show me that sensitive, artistic soul.
Okay, Marty.
Your mommy'll be very sad if you run away, Jessica.
Do you know why? No.
Why? Because you have a smile that's worth a million bucks! So you can't go away, or you'll take all that away from her.
Are you coming home with us, Al? No, I don't think so, sweetheart.
You could be my daddy.
I don't really have a daddy.
Well, I didn't have a daddy either.
Or a mommy.
Did that make you feel sad? Oh.
Oh, very sad.
I used to think about what it would be like to have a mommy.
Someone who loved me and who'd take care of me and sang me to sleep and hugged me and told me everything was okay.
That's what my mommy does! She does, huh? Why do you suppose she does that? Because she loves you more than anything.
Will I see you again, Al? I don't know.
You don't need me, honey.
But you need your mommy and, most important, your mommy needs you.
So, you gonna promise me you're gonna take care of her? I promise.
Will ya? And you won't run away? No.
Okay.
Bye, Al.
Bye, hon.
And Lead Balloon, as expected, is a long ways back.
As they straighten out for the run down the backstretch, Bear in the Woods maintains the lead, David's Honey is second.
Gus.
Do me a favor.
Here comes Lead Balloon- I'm gonna go get some fresh air while you, uh- No, no, no, no, no! Wait! Wait! Wait! It's not over yet.
You never know.
And coming on toJack Hatch now, there goes that 40-to-1 shot as the field comes to the top of the stretch.
- Bear in the Woods is still in front.
- Lead Balloon! David's Honey, but here comes Lead Balloon.
! Come on, Lead Balloon! Come on! It's Bear in the stretch, and Lead Balloon has suddenly charged to the front.
He's pulling away.
What a tremendous effort! Lead Balloon! All right! He did it! He did it! He did it! Lead Balloon! Whoo-hoo-hoo! I don't believe it! He did it! Lead Balloon! If there was one horse we couldn't figure in the feature, it was Lead Balloon.
Drinks for everybody! Oh, Sam, it's gonna be Lead Balloon by a nose.
We talked Ziggy in- Here he is in the winner's circle now.
The race is over.
Yeah.
And are your thumbs okay? They're okay? You made a bet! Yes.
And you won! Yes.
In our eighth race, it's Lead Balloon! Okay, you paid off the bookie.
Jessica's fine.
You got here with two minutes to spare.
So all you have to do is choose a wife already! No problem.
Martin.
- Ellen! - Marty! Rachel? What's she doing here? Uh, excuse me.
Uh, Rachel.
E- Excuse me! Rachel.
I think you've mistaken my husband for someone else.
This is my husband! Sam, what's goin' on? Martin, is this one of your silly little jokey-wokeys? It better be a jokey-wokey.
This is no jokey-wokey-joke! I decided honesty would be the best policy.
For Boy Scouts, not for bigamists! Now, ladies, I think it's time you both know something.
I am- Sam! Sam! A bigamist.
Stop it, will ya? First I married you, and then I married you.
Will you cut it out! Let's stop horsin' around and grab a bite.
I'm starving.
Rachel.
I'm the father of your two children.
Ellen, I'm the father of your two children.
Will you change the subject, for cryin' out loud? Could we go home now, please? I have two homes.
I have a home here with you and a home with you in Brooklyn.
Now, I'm not tellin' any more lies.
I brought you two together on purpose.
On purpose? You brought them togeth - This was your plan? I'm a lowlife, so go ahead- let me have it.
You hussy! You home wrecker! He's my husband! He's my husband! He's mine! He's mine! Driver's license - Ellen Louise Elroy.
Rachel Thelma Elroy.
Married! Married! Father David Murphy.
- Rabbi Barry Goldstein.
- That's enough! It's not her fault.
And it's not her fault.
I'm the one who married both of you.
- She didn't know you were already married? - No.
I never told her.
You hocked my silver candlesticks from Great Grandma Sara so you could spend money on her? I didn't spend it on her.
I lost it at the track, I think.
You can bet on it.
You know what? I believe you.
He steals my children's allowance and spends it on horse races.
And then he sends them to school with lunch in a barf bag! I'm sure that neither one of you have been happy one day with good old Marty since you married him.
- What are you saying, Sam? - Well, I've always been worried about something.
I'm always worried we're not going to be able to make rent.
I am constantly worried we're going to lose the house.
Really? Oh, they're bonding.
That's bad.
I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I've spent wondering when the bank was going to foreclose.
Sam, the train is going in the wrong direction.
No, it's going in exactly the right direction.
You know what? I think he's been taking advantage of both of us.
- I know he has.
- Of course, he has.
- Marty? - Hmm? I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but I'm leaving you.
Ellen gets him! I knew it! I knew it! Ellen, he's all yours.
Oh, no.
I'm going home and changing the locks.
He's yours.
Oh, I knew Rachel gets him.
I don't want him! Well, neither do I! Now you've blown it for both of them! Do something, Sam! I think I just did.
I guess we're both leaving you, Martin.
I guess I deserve it.
Sam, this is incredible! You're changing history.
Rachel marries a doctor, and her kids graduate from college.
- What about Ellen? - I agree with Rachel.
We've let you get away with murder.
Uh, Ellen - She becomes a marriage counselor and she remarries, and her kids are fine too.
And, oh, get this.
Get this! Marty cleans up his act and makes a bundle on the lecture circuit talking about his story.
And-And you know what? It has got to stop.
You're right.
It has to stop.
Good-bye, Martin.
See ya, Marty.
Would you like to come to my house for a cup of coffee, and we could talk about this? I'd love to.
Great.
You know something? Yes! You know somethin'? I don't believe it.
What? You figured out that you leapt in to blow Marty's scam, and you didn't tell me.
You knew! You knew, Sam! You knew it! You didn't tell me! Would you have listened to me? Marty.
! Daddy.
! Oh, Marty.
! Surprise! Hi, Daddy.
! Oh, boy! All right.
! All right.
! Listen- Listen to me.
! We are here tonight, not because we want more rights than men have, but because we want the same rights men have.
- I'm asking you to burn it.
! - Do it! Just do it! Burn it for liberation.
! Burn it now.
! Liberation now.
! Liberation now! Oh, boy.
Liberation now.
! Liberation now.
!
Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished.
He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better.
His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear.
And so, Dr.
Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
Dad.
! Dad, you're home.
! Daddy.
! Daddy.
! You're here.
! Well, it's about time.
Mmm.
Arriving passenger Martin Elroy, please report to the courtesy desk.
- Martin Elroy.
- What's that about? What's what about? They just paged you.
Oh.
Well, I guess I was so excited to see everybody, I didn't hear it.
Oh! Well, we'll get your bags and meet you at the curb.
But don't take too long.
I've got a pot roast in the oven and somethin' special for dessert.
Come on.
Welcome back, Daddy.
Attention, please.
This is the final boarding call for flight 203 to Miami.
Look at this.
Just a moment, please.
You, uh- Kids? Yea, Dad! Oh, Daddy! Oh! I missed you, Daddy! Mmm! Surprise.
! I missed you, Daddy.
Oh, boy.
Marty, aren't you glad to see us? Yeah, I am.
Sure.
I'm just a little surprised, that's all.
It got lonely in Brooklyn, baby.
I know you're here on business, but the kids hadn't seen you in such a long time.
So I checked your itinerary and I figured, if we piled into the station wagon and drove down right away, we'd hit Florida just when you did.
So, ta-da! Here we are.
Here they are.
So where are we staying? Well, I haven't really, uh, checked in yet.
Everybody down.
I recommend the Pompano Palace.
It's right on the beach.
I've been there over the years.
It's a nice place.
The Pompano Palace on the beach is really great.
Yes! That's beautiful.
You tell 'em that Al Calavicci sent you.
And, um- - And they'll treat you first class.
- Oh, the tropics make me hot.
Just tell 'em Al Calavicci sent you.
Sent me? What about you? And who's Al Calavicci? That man.
He's standing right here.
And he's smoking a cigar.
Can't you see him? - No.
- Uh-uh! No.
No.
Uh, I'm Daddy's invisible friend.
She can see us.
But that's not Daddy.
Oh, uh-Yes, it is.
It-It's Daddy in disguise.
Oh.
Oh.
- Daddy's in disguise.
- Where does she come up with this stuff? Probably books and stuff that she'd be reading.
Right, Dad.
All the characters in Mother Goose smoke cigars.
Don't you take that tone with your father, young man! Why don't you take the kids and go on and check in, okay? I'll be with you soon as I can.
Aren't you coming with us? Uh, I gotta make a stop first.
What kind of stop? Well, you're a traveling salesman for Bestway Brushes.
I'm a traveling salesman.
I knew you're a traveling salesman.
You cover a lot of territory.
Of course you know that.
But I got to meet a client about a big sale.
Big sale? Big brushes.
Big brushes.
For big brushes? Yeah.
You better get out of here before "you know who" shows up.
Daddy's friend, Al, wants us to go now.
He says someone's looking for Daddy.
Marty, have you been gambling again? What? - Mmm.
- Al says yes.
Don't lie to me, Marty.
You know it makes me crazy.
She's talking to my invisible friend.
Don't forget that.
Oh! Right.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It must be the humidity.
All right.
Come on.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you all later.
Huh? Where are you taking us for dinner? Um, I'm not sure that I'll be able to make it back in time for dinner.
Marty Elroy, are you up to no good? I'll be there for dinner.
Let's go! Move it.
Move it.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Al.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Al, I'm a bigamist! Can you believe this? I got a wife in Brooklyn and a wife in Pompano Beach.
Yeah.
Seems like a great setup.
Uh, unless they meet.
That's what Ziggy says you're here to do, is to keep 'em apart.
For how long? Don't know.
I mean, Marty had no idea that Rachel was coming to Florida.
Which one's Rachel? Uh, the last one.
The one that gets hot in the tropics.
Eh, her kids areJosh and Jessica.
Now, the wife that wants you for dessert is Ellen.
Her kids are Mary and Martin.
Mary Martin? Yeah.
Peter Pan was big in the '50s.
Yeah, but where's Tinkerbell? That's your dog.
You got a pedigreed greyhound.
Al- - Marty.
! Yoo-hoo.
! - I got a greyhound for a pet? Yeah.
Uh, you're a big fan of the dog races, and you bought Tinkerbell for an investment.
Now listen, have fun with Ellen, but don't be late for Rachel.
Ah, gee.
This is my kinda leap! Dad.
! Hurry up.
! Let's go, honey.
Uh, what's been goin'on since I've been gone? I got an "A" on my science project.
Yeah? Oh, that's great.
Uh, what was it about? Uh, static electricity.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
He proved why clothes stick together in the dryer.
That's great.
And Mary had her checkup at the dentist.
Good.
No cavities! That's great too.
You said you'd bring them a reward, remember? Rewa- Of course.
This is definitely a time for rewards.
Just gotta - Where did I put those, uh, rewards? You usually put them in your tote bag.
Right! Right.
They're in my tote bag.
Okay? I'll go get it.
I, uh, finished that special math assignment you gave me.
Oh, good.
You handicapped the dog races for me? You owe me three bucks.
What? Here we are.
! Reward time.
! Okay.
! Reward time.
All right.
Let's see what we got in here.
Uh, something should be in here for Marty.
There we go! MartyJr.
And Mary.
There you are.
A shoehorn? From the Fiesta Hotel? Very practical.
Yeah, but it's what you got me last time.
But you got two feet, right? Look! A disposable shower cap.
Well, I know I got a lot more stuff in here, you know, so just don't panic.
Excuse me.
I have to go study for my history test.
I thought your history test wasn't until next week.
- It's a big test.
- Maybe I can help.
It's not about the horse races.
How come Mom always gets more presents than we do? Because she's- she's the mother.
Come on.
Uh, there's gotta be more stuff in here.
That's it! I told you last time, I'm not taking my lunch to school in a barf bag! Don't you take that tone with your father, young man! I gotta go.
Where? Got to go! Well, I got a meeting, you know.
After dinner? Yeah.
Well, uh, the client is a guy from, uh, Tokyo, see? And over in Tokyo right now, it's morning.
And this guy, he's-he's still stuck on Tokyo time.
But it's movie night, Martin.
You know Friday night is movie night.
Yeah, well - There's a cartoonarama at the theater, and the children love cartoons.
Yes.
And you promised.
But don't you understand? Is there something you're not telling me, Martin? Like perhaps you're going to the track? No! No! I'm not going to the track.
No, I'm not.
Really.
Listen, how about if we go, uh, to the movies tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? Yeah.
Is our night.
Remember? Oh.
Naughty schoolgirl night? Okay.
Well, then why don't you go to the movies, and I'll meet you? How's that? Okay? All right.
I'll- Are you forgetting something? Am I forgetting some- Oh! Yeah.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
! I missed you, babe.
What took you so long? It was a long meeting with a lot of, uh, big brushes that we had to talk about.
The kids were getting antsy, so I had to order in.
Eat, Marty.
What's the matter? Well, I'm just not in the mood for pizza today, that's all.
I'm in the mood for you.
Tonight's chambermaid night, remember? Hey, Dad.
! Look what I got.
! We got Kleenex, shoehorns, shower caps.
I got towels, two bars of soap, sewing kits and last, but certainly not least, two rolls of toilet paper! - Where'd you get all that stuff? - I raided the maid's cart.
- You can't steal from the maid! - Why not? You taught me how to do it.
We need a bath mat.
One bath mat coming up.
No.
! No.
! Wait a sec- Josh, get back here.
! Jo- No.
! No, thank you.
L- I-I don't feel like it.
Come on.
Daddy.
Daddy.
! What's this for? Ah, look at that! I haven't seen one of those since 19- Since the last time I was in a really nice hotel.
See, you, um-You take a dime, right, and you put it in there.
And then you turn it on.
And it makes the whole bed shake, kinda like a massage.
I know another way to make the bed shake.
Mm-hmm.
I've got a dime.
Well, here.
Let me have it.
I'll turn it on.
I'm no thief.
Come on.
And I'm no sucker.
A Massage-omatic.
You apologize to your father right now.
One time Ruthie and I were in Cleveland, and we had one of those things running for nine hours straight.
This is so fun! There was nothin'else to do.
- Al, I don't want to hear about it.
- But, Marty, she's giving you lip.
He's not talking to you.
He's talking to his invisible friend.
- I need to go to the bathroom.
- Me first! What? Wait, wait, wait! Wait a second! I'm gonna beat you! Make sure you open the window when you're done, honey.
Sam, I'll meet you in the hall.
I'll use the one in the lobby.
What did you find out, Al? Well, I was talking to the real Marty.
I think I found a new idol.
Idol? Al! The guy's a bigamist! Look at that guy.
I know.
But think about it.
If I had tried that, I could have - I could've gone through 10 wives instead of five! Al.
I got Rachel and her kids to the hotel.
I got Ellen and her kids to the house.
Uh-huh.
They didn't bump into each other.
I did what I was supposed to do.
Now, why haven't I leaped? That's not what you were supposed to do.
That's what you said I was supposed to do! That was just the first part.
Okay.
Okay.
What's the second part? Well, now Ziggy's saying there's a 75% chance that you're here because Marty's only supposed to have one wife.
What? All right.
Okay.
Well, then-then which one? Oh, you're not gonna like this.
Well, just have Ziggy tell me which wife I'm supposed to pick, okay? No.
No.
It's not that easy.
Just tell me.
I know.
But each one has strengths and weaknesses.
Al.
And pluses and "minuseses.
" Al! The odds are, uh, 50-50.
Fifty- Oh, boy.
How am I gonna pick somebody if the odds are 50-50? Well, which one do you like? Huh? I don't know.
Um, which one do you like? Me? Yeah.
I don't know.
Rachel.
Ellen? Rachel? Ellen? You and Ellen? What do ya mean, me and Ellen? What are ya laughing at? She's not your type.
I mean, Rachel's the one with the vibrating bed.
Is that why you picked her? No.
No.
It's not the reason.
I don't know why I picked her, Al.
I guess because it seems like she needs more help straightening out her life.
Ellen seems stronger, you know, more put together.
Hmm.
Well, I love- I love taking things apart and foolin' with 'em.
Al.
Yeah? Who does Marty think that he should pick? He can't make up his mind either.
He married Ellen first, so technically she's got three years of seniority.
What about Rachel? Oh, that's kinda romantic.
He married her on a bet.
A bet? Yeah.
She works as a cocktail waitress at the Long Island Turf Club.
And he bet her that she couldn't stay married to him for one year.
And they're celebrating their ninth anniversary next month.
Great.
Great.
How's that gonna help me pick? Right? Somebody's gonna get hurt here.
Well, Marty can only have one wife.
What a shame.
Al.
Huh? How am I gonna choose which one? Well, you get to know them a little bit.
You have dessert with Ellen.
You-You fan Rachel's little hot tropical flame there.
And - But right now you better forget that and get to the theater.
Oh, God! Oh! I'll see you later.
Rachel, listen, I-I know you drove all the way down here to see me and everything, but, uh, right now I have this very important meeting that I have to get to, okay? Didn't you have a meetin' this afternoon? Yes.
But this is a meeting about that meeting.
See? So I'll be back in just a second, okay? You're making me crazy again, Marty! We drove all the way down here to see you.
I know, but- Sam.
Maybe you shouldn't go because Ziggy says there's a 50-50 chance you're supposed to be here with Rachel.
Look, then I'm gonna be late for the other appointment.
Jessica missed her piano recital, and Josh missed his play all because they wanted to spend time with their father.
Okay.
All right.
But, you see, I can't be in two places at once.
I'm having palpitations.
You? Yeah.
All right.
Look.
Look.
Okay.
All right.
Just sit down.
Open the door! Come on! I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll cancel my meeting.
Okay? You can't do that! No! Ziggy says there's a All right! Okay! Um, and I'll tell you what.
Instead, let's all go to the movies.
Oh! Oh! Oh! You really mean it? Okay? Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, how about we all go see Chainsaw Massacre in the Sand? Or Invaders from Uranus? How 'bout that, huh? No.
We're going to the cartoonarama.
Oh, Dad, I hate cartoons.
I'm sick of cartoons.
Yeah, well- - Sounds dangerous to me, Sam.
- You got a better idea? I just gave you two.
Josh, stop whining! Mom! Come on, Jessica! I'm ready.
Okay! Last one to the car's a rotten egg! Let's go! I get to sit in the front.
No, I do.
No, you just did last time- It's Jessica's turn, Joshua.
That's it! It's my turn! No lip from you, or you stay right here! I can't wait to see the cartoon! Josh.
I know how you feel.
Sometimes it's tough being an older brother.
Things don't always seem fair.
But your little sister is too young to understand.
That's why we make excuses for her- because we're more grown up than she is.
- Come on, Dad.
- "Come on" what? Whenever we have a heart-to-heart, the next thing you do is you hit me up for cash.
- What? - And you know I'm tapped out.
You borrowed my allowance, and then you raided my piggy bank.
Wait.
Wait.
I'm broke.
Wait! I don't want your allowance.
I could see you were upset, and I care about you.
I just wanted to talk to you about it.
I hate when you beg.
This is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is 52 cents.
It's the last of my lunch money.
Just don't spend it all in one place.
Okay? I think I'd better go get Ziggy to see if she can tilt these odds.
I, uh, have to go to the bathroom.
You just spent 20 minutes in the bathroom at the hotel.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
I want popcorn! Me too! And a hot dog! And I want a black cow.
Me too! I want licorice sticks and I want french fries.
Okay? Yeah.
Me too! Get me an ice cream bar.
Okay.
Popcorn for everybody.
A hot dog! Black cow.
Black cow.
Black cow.
! Two hot dogs.
Two black cows.
French fries.
Licorice.
I want french fries.
! Some licorice.
! And an ice cream "bah.
" And an ice cream "bah"- bar.
Here's five dollars.
And remember, Marty, I count the change.
Look who's here! Dad! Oh, what a nice surprise! And the races aren't even over yet.
And here I am.
How about that? I'm gonna go get some popcorn.
I'll be right back, okay? Martin, honey, we don't get popcorn until intermission.
It's fresher now.
Just sit still and watch the movie.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Me too.
- Not until intermission.
- I can't hold it.
All right.
There you go- two popcorns and one orangejuice.
Hey, you go ahead, all right? I thought you had to go.
I'm gonna go later.
I'm gonna get a soda, and I'll meet you back in the theater, okay? Okay.
Two popcorns, three black cows- Jessica.
Hi.
What are you doing out here? Mommy wants to know what's taking so long.
The line in the men's room was long.
But the food line's a lot shorter.
So I'll get all the food, and I'll meet you back inside with Mommy.
Hmm.
Okay.
Whew! All right.
Get a pencil and paper 'cause this is a lot of stuff here.
Three popcorns, two brown cows, french fries, licorice, two hot dogs and an ice cream bar.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
That should be 2.
95.
What is all this? It's just a little snack, that's all.
Dad says they gave it to him for free.
He was the 100th customer.
Oh, my! That ice cream bar sure looks yummy.
Wait a minute.
You said we wouldn't eat anything till intermission.
Look, a hot dog.
Licorice sticks forJunior and black cows! You remembered I love black cows! All right.
Hold it! The guy forgot my ketchup.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
! Here I am! What took so long? Well- Where's my hot dog? Where's my licorice? Where's Mom's ice cream bar? Give me that! That's mine! Give it to me! Give it back to me! Give it back! Give it back to me! It's mine! I had it first! Can you believe the guy forgot to put 'em in there? He was- I'll be right back.
Junior, keep an eye on your sister.
I'm going to look for your father.
That's it.
That's it! He's probably on the phone placing a bet.
Josh, watch your sister.
I'm going to give your father a piece of my mind.
Oh, my God.
! Look at the goodies.
! Look at that popcorn! Look at the ice cream bar! Al, this ice cream bar could ruin his marriage.
Which one? Babe? Uh-oh.
Honey? Uh-oh.
Sam, do something.
Hide.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! Honey.
! Babe? Honey! Stay low, Sam.
! Going, going, going- You got away with it this time, Sam.
Whew.
Wow.
Al! Where's your ice cream bar? Huh? Your ice cream bar? Oh, no! Oh, man! You stepped on your ice cream bar.
Sam! And you need more popcorn.
I don't have a dime.
I don't have anything at all.
Oh, whoa! Whoa! I don't wanna hear you say that! You know how that makes me feel.
Bicarb.
Do I know you guys? No hard I.
D.
's on these guys, but knowing how Marty gambled, they're probably gamblers.
Gus, don't you hate it when they do that? Don't you hate it when they say that? "I forgot it.
" "I left it in my other pants.
" "I had to bail my Aunt Frieda out of jail.
" Marty, you know better than this.
I mean, I'm ashamed of you.
Al? You know that this is movie night.
And on movie night we always go and take a little walk and have our little chat.
Uh, so, yeah.
H - How did you like the movie tonight, you guys? We don't review the picture.
But, you know, on the other hand, I liked the movie very much.
I love happy endings.
I hate it when a movie makes me cry.
It's part of my sensitive nature.
I wouldn't go see Bambi then.
It's a real tearjerker.
Don't be smart, Marty.
I hate it when you're smart.
Hey, you nozzle! If you were really smart, you wouldn't owe us two grand again.
Two grand.
Isn't that a coincidence? That's exactly what you owe us- two thousand again.
! Listen, Marty- two thousand, 24 hours.
Please get the money.
You know me- that sensitive, artistic side of me.
Every time Gus here breaks thumbs, I get indigestion for a week.
It's that crunching, cracking sound.
I just- Hey.
Here.
Buy your kids some popcorn.
Whoever said "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'; never scorned two women.
And even though I had two wives, I wound up sleeping on a park bench.
I would have liked to have given them more time to cool off, but my solar plexus kept reminding me that Vic and Gus meant business.
Shut up, Jake.
! I know you don't want to talk to me, but could you just at least listen? I'm really sorry about last night, and I really need to talk to your mother.
She already left for work, and she told me not to let you in if you showed up.
Look, Marty, you're a little young to understand all this, but your dad's in big trouble.
Dad, you've been in trouble since I can remember.
You missed my first Little League game because of opening day at Hialeah.
You hocked my Christmas presents last year.
This time the cupboard's bare.
No.
No.
L-I didn't come here asking for money, okay? Uh, could I at least come in and take a shower? Hold on a second.
Here.
What are you doin'? I hope this helps.
No.
L-I don't want the money.
Take it.
Think of it as a loan, okay? I'll- I'll put it on your tab.
Just take it.
Look, I'm really sorry I hocked your Christmas presents and missed all your Little League games.
Somehow, I'm gonna try and make it up to you.
Okay.
You can come in.
But I still have to check your pockets when you leave.
Yeah.
Coming.
Bad time, Dad.
Oh, wait a second.
I really need to talk to your mom.
No.
I don't think it's a good idea.
I just want to apologize, okay? Do you think she'll see me? Well, she's not here.
She went to get her hair done.
Where? At the beauty parlor in the lobby.
Wait, Dad.
How much money do you need this time? None.
L-I'm fine.
Take this.
Josh.
No.
No.
No.
Take it.
Take it.
Take it.
Look - My mom keeps some extra cash in the jewelry box.
She gave that to me to buy some souvenirs for Aunt Renee and Uncle Harvey.
But- But I-I guess I can give 'em the bath mat instead.
You don't understand.
No.
No, Dad.
Just take it, please? And-And maybe you should just leave Mom alone for a while.
Okay? I have two darling children.
Josh is eight, and Jessica's five.
How many do you have? Two.
Or three, if you count my husband.
Would you like it up or down? What do you think? Huh.
If I don't come up with $2,000 by tonight, I'm the one who's gonna have the broken thumb.
No, you're not gonna have a broken thumb.
No? You're gonna have two broken thumbs.
That's Vic's trademark.
Oh.
He takes 'em and he bends 'em back and twists 'em over like this.
Thanks, Al.
That's enough, okay? You may not like it, but you're gonna have to get that money from Ellen or Rachel.
I personally think that Ellen is the soft touch.
I really don't know why I put up with my husband.
I guess it's because deep down he has- I don't know what he has deep down.
Sometimes I worry about my kids.
Junior looks up to his father so much.
I'm afraid he's gonna be in for a big disappointment.
My husband isn't much of a father.
He thinks I should raise the kids.
We have a very traditional family.
So you don't work? No.
I work.
I'm a cocktail waitress at the Turf Club.
Gambling makes me sick.
Oh, me too.
At least my husband doesn't gamble.
Oh, neither does mine.
Thank goodness.
Thank God.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to a gambler.
Absolute hell.
Not that I would know.
You're gonna have a hell of a time getting a handout from either one of'em.
Which is why I need to know which wife I'm supposed to choose.
What's it got to do with the that I'm here to pick between Rachel and Ellen, right? Right.
I've been running around between both families, trying to decide which family needs me the most.
And I still don't have an answer, right? Right.
So- So I've gonna go to Ra- Gesundheit.
Thank you.
I gotta go to Rachel and hit her up for $2,000, I better make sure- darn sure- that it's not her.
Right.
Because if it is, then she's never gonna speak to me again.
Wait a second.
Then I'll never leap outta here.
I'll be stuck in the - Ziggy's freaking out here.
What's she saying? She says get the hell away from the win.
The win? The what? Dow.
Dow? Oh, the window.
Get the hell away from the- Ooh, the window! Get away from the window, quick.
! Quick.
! Quick.
! No wonder Ziggy's freakin' out.
They're probably talking about you in there right now! - Do they know? - No, I don't think so.
Because Ellen is just fixing Rachel's hair.
She's not pulling it out.
Al, why didn't you tell me that Ellen worked in there? You never asked me to check on it! All right.
I want you to go in there and listen to what they're saying, okay? I'm gonna figure out some way to get one of'em out of there.
How you gonna do that? I don't know! I just- Ah.
I'll call - I'll call 'em on the phone.
Which one? I don't know! Just go! Go on! I grew up on fairy tales.
My mother always told me that Prince Charming would come along on a white horse and sweep me off my feet.
She didn't tell you Prince Charming would have two grand riding on that horse, I bet.
My mother- God rest her soul- told me, "Rachel, you can put up with just about anything from a man.
He's a slob? Forget it.
He stays out with the boys? Who cares?" I like Mom already.
"The only thing that counts, Rachelah, is that he doesn't fool around.
" But not very much.
Amen to that.
And, you know, isn't it funny that the wife is always the last to know? Oh, I'd know.
They always think they'd know.
You would be surprised how these poor darlings find out.
Not as surprised as you sweeties are gonna be.
It happened to a friend of mine.
She overheard it in the powder room at Gage and Toners.
That's how she found out her husband was seeing another woman? No.
Another man! No! Yuck! Swear.
My husband told me.
Oh! Well, what does he do for a living? He's in sales.
Uh, Sam! Mine too.
What type of sales? - Is there a Rachel Elroy here? - That's me.
- Oh, thank God.
- You have a phone call.
Oh! My last name is Elroy too.
Really? Maybe we're related.
Closer than you think, honey.
Thank you.
Hello? Rachel.
- Oh, you.
- Rachel, don't hang up.
J- Just hear me out.
Now look, I know that I'm a no-good louse and a terrible father.
- And a terrible husband! - And I'm a terrible husband.
And I'm lower than pond scum.
And I'm low- A really terrible husband.
You got a point? The point is, I want to make it up to you.
I want to turn over a new leaf.
- You're not gettin' a dime from me.
- No, this isn't about money.
I left you a note on your car.
What's it say? - If you want to know, you have to go read it.
- That's a good one, Sam.
I'll think about it.
Ah, don't pay any attention to that.
She's hooked.
Keep the change, doll.
Ah, Sam, that note idea is brilliant.
I'm impressed.
Thanks.
"Thanks.
" So? So? So what'd the note say? All the right things.
Like? Believe me, she'll love the note.
Oh, okay.
I figured it out, Al! I know why I'm here! I know what Marty doesn't know.
Tell me, tell me, tell me! No? No? No.
I can't.
Why not? You're biased.
I'm not.
I know who you're rooting for.
No, you don't.
I do.
And I don't want to argue about it.
Tell me.
Who gets him? You'll find out tonight at 6:00.
Hi! Martin Joseph Elroy, I told you never to bother me here at work.
You did? I mean, I- I know that.
I know that.
But I came by to ask you out on a date.
What's your angle? I don't have an angle.
I've just been rotten to you and the kids, but I think I can change all that.
That is, if you meet me for dinner in the dining room at 6:00.
Here at the hotel? Yeah.
Who's paying? Well, don't - don't worry about that.
But that only gives me an hour to go home and change.
Just promise me that you'll be there? Okay.
Okay.
Well, will you look at this, Gus? What a model citizen.
Keep America beautiful.
See ya later, guys.
Don't I have a few more hours? Wasn't that the deal? Come on, Marty.
You're three days overdue now.
Last night I gave you some grace period.
You know me.
I'm a soft-hearted, easy-going kind of guy.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I gotta share this with ya.
Last night, after our last conversation, bought a set of oil paints - you know, with the numbers? You think I got a chance at being an artist? What do ya think? Well- Like a snowball in hell, he's got a chance.
I think that, you know, van Gogh never painted a picture till he was 30.
Is that a fact? Hear that, Gus? Get me a scotch.
Yeah.
Where's the money, Marty? Well, I- I gotta make a phone call.
About the money? Of course.
For the money.
I'll just- Phone call? Yeah, operator.
Yeah.
Get me, uh, Klondike-7-55- uh, 55.
Who are you callin'? - Hello.
Big Al? - Oh, good idea! - I need a little help here.
- Yeah.
No Shinola, Sherlock! What happened to your secret plan? It's gonna be a disaster if I don't get out of here within a half hour.
- Yeah.
You're cutting it pretty thin.
- Yeah.
Well- And that starts next week.
You know, Big Al, I was just wondering- I wonder who's gonna win this race.
Sam, this is no time to be talking about gambling.
Oh, I'm not talking about gambling.
It's a good thing, because Ziggy says we can never, never, never, never, never, ever use information from the future for personal gain, and that's a rule.
Well, what idiot made up that rule? You did! I tried to talk you out of it, but no! You said it had to be a firmly embedded command.
Uh-oh.
What? One of your kids is running away.
Which one? Jessica.
She's packing her bags.
She's gonna hit the streets.
Listen, uh- Listen, I-I got a crisis here, okay? Um, one of my kids is running away from home, so if you could exc- Never mind.
Al? Listen to me.
You gotta go after her, okay? Because, remember, she can see you, so- What about these gorillas? I'll have to take my chances.
I'm gonna talk to Dr.
Beeks and see if she can't get Ziggy to break the rule just once.
No! No! No! There's not enough time! Just go! Okay.
I hope Marty's insurance is paid up.
Finally, there is Lead Balloon.
Okay, I'll see ya, Big Al.
Did you get the money, Marty? Well, not exactly-yet.
But I'll-I'll have it though, right after this race.
On the rail is Jill's Vision, followed by Bear in the Woods and Polish War Hero and the 40-to-1 shot, Lead Balloon.
! Forty-one, two, three, four, five, six.
Two thousand divided by 50 is 40! Will you lend me 350 and put a bet down on the 40-to-1 shot? On Lead Balloon? Yeah.
That nag'll come in dead last, and you're dead broke.
Hey! - Boy, a pool ofhumor today.
- Yeah, you are! But you know? What's another Because if it pays off at 40-to-1, I get $2,000.
I pay you and then we're even.
What do you say? Oh, come on.
Hey! No! No, no, no, no, no! Show me that sensitive, artistic soul.
Okay, Marty.
Your mommy'll be very sad if you run away, Jessica.
Do you know why? No.
Why? Because you have a smile that's worth a million bucks! So you can't go away, or you'll take all that away from her.
Are you coming home with us, Al? No, I don't think so, sweetheart.
You could be my daddy.
I don't really have a daddy.
Well, I didn't have a daddy either.
Or a mommy.
Did that make you feel sad? Oh.
Oh, very sad.
I used to think about what it would be like to have a mommy.
Someone who loved me and who'd take care of me and sang me to sleep and hugged me and told me everything was okay.
That's what my mommy does! She does, huh? Why do you suppose she does that? Because she loves you more than anything.
Will I see you again, Al? I don't know.
You don't need me, honey.
But you need your mommy and, most important, your mommy needs you.
So, you gonna promise me you're gonna take care of her? I promise.
Will ya? And you won't run away? No.
Okay.
Bye, Al.
Bye, hon.
And Lead Balloon, as expected, is a long ways back.
As they straighten out for the run down the backstretch, Bear in the Woods maintains the lead, David's Honey is second.
Gus.
Do me a favor.
Here comes Lead Balloon- I'm gonna go get some fresh air while you, uh- No, no, no, no, no! Wait! Wait! Wait! It's not over yet.
You never know.
And coming on toJack Hatch now, there goes that 40-to-1 shot as the field comes to the top of the stretch.
- Bear in the Woods is still in front.
- Lead Balloon! David's Honey, but here comes Lead Balloon.
! Come on, Lead Balloon! Come on! It's Bear in the stretch, and Lead Balloon has suddenly charged to the front.
He's pulling away.
What a tremendous effort! Lead Balloon! All right! He did it! He did it! He did it! Lead Balloon! Whoo-hoo-hoo! I don't believe it! He did it! Lead Balloon! If there was one horse we couldn't figure in the feature, it was Lead Balloon.
Drinks for everybody! Oh, Sam, it's gonna be Lead Balloon by a nose.
We talked Ziggy in- Here he is in the winner's circle now.
The race is over.
Yeah.
And are your thumbs okay? They're okay? You made a bet! Yes.
And you won! Yes.
In our eighth race, it's Lead Balloon! Okay, you paid off the bookie.
Jessica's fine.
You got here with two minutes to spare.
So all you have to do is choose a wife already! No problem.
Martin.
- Ellen! - Marty! Rachel? What's she doing here? Uh, excuse me.
Uh, Rachel.
E- Excuse me! Rachel.
I think you've mistaken my husband for someone else.
This is my husband! Sam, what's goin' on? Martin, is this one of your silly little jokey-wokeys? It better be a jokey-wokey.
This is no jokey-wokey-joke! I decided honesty would be the best policy.
For Boy Scouts, not for bigamists! Now, ladies, I think it's time you both know something.
I am- Sam! Sam! A bigamist.
Stop it, will ya? First I married you, and then I married you.
Will you cut it out! Let's stop horsin' around and grab a bite.
I'm starving.
Rachel.
I'm the father of your two children.
Ellen, I'm the father of your two children.
Will you change the subject, for cryin' out loud? Could we go home now, please? I have two homes.
I have a home here with you and a home with you in Brooklyn.
Now, I'm not tellin' any more lies.
I brought you two together on purpose.
On purpose? You brought them togeth - This was your plan? I'm a lowlife, so go ahead- let me have it.
You hussy! You home wrecker! He's my husband! He's my husband! He's mine! He's mine! Driver's license - Ellen Louise Elroy.
Rachel Thelma Elroy.
Married! Married! Father David Murphy.
- Rabbi Barry Goldstein.
- That's enough! It's not her fault.
And it's not her fault.
I'm the one who married both of you.
- She didn't know you were already married? - No.
I never told her.
You hocked my silver candlesticks from Great Grandma Sara so you could spend money on her? I didn't spend it on her.
I lost it at the track, I think.
You can bet on it.
You know what? I believe you.
He steals my children's allowance and spends it on horse races.
And then he sends them to school with lunch in a barf bag! I'm sure that neither one of you have been happy one day with good old Marty since you married him.
- What are you saying, Sam? - Well, I've always been worried about something.
I'm always worried we're not going to be able to make rent.
I am constantly worried we're going to lose the house.
Really? Oh, they're bonding.
That's bad.
I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I've spent wondering when the bank was going to foreclose.
Sam, the train is going in the wrong direction.
No, it's going in exactly the right direction.
You know what? I think he's been taking advantage of both of us.
- I know he has.
- Of course, he has.
- Marty? - Hmm? I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but I'm leaving you.
Ellen gets him! I knew it! I knew it! Ellen, he's all yours.
Oh, no.
I'm going home and changing the locks.
He's yours.
Oh, I knew Rachel gets him.
I don't want him! Well, neither do I! Now you've blown it for both of them! Do something, Sam! I think I just did.
I guess we're both leaving you, Martin.
I guess I deserve it.
Sam, this is incredible! You're changing history.
Rachel marries a doctor, and her kids graduate from college.
- What about Ellen? - I agree with Rachel.
We've let you get away with murder.
Uh, Ellen - She becomes a marriage counselor and she remarries, and her kids are fine too.
And, oh, get this.
Get this! Marty cleans up his act and makes a bundle on the lecture circuit talking about his story.
And-And you know what? It has got to stop.
You're right.
It has to stop.
Good-bye, Martin.
See ya, Marty.
Would you like to come to my house for a cup of coffee, and we could talk about this? I'd love to.
Great.
You know something? Yes! You know somethin'? I don't believe it.
What? You figured out that you leapt in to blow Marty's scam, and you didn't tell me.
You knew! You knew, Sam! You knew it! You didn't tell me! Would you have listened to me? Marty.
! Daddy.
! Oh, Marty.
! Surprise! Hi, Daddy.
! Oh, boy! All right.
! All right.
! Listen- Listen to me.
! We are here tonight, not because we want more rights than men have, but because we want the same rights men have.
- I'm asking you to burn it.
! - Do it! Just do it! Burn it for liberation.
! Burn it now.
! Liberation now.
! Liberation now! Oh, boy.
Liberation now.
! Liberation now.
!