Queen America (2018) s01e04 Episode Script


-Previously on -You called me your client just now.
-I don't even know where to start with Samantha.
-We need Regina.
I'd never ask for her help again.
-This is you begging, yes? -You are a magnificent bitch from hell.
-Thank you.
- When do I get to see you again? - My fake gym offers fake spin classes every day.
-And my platform is sex slavery.
I mean, putting an end to sex slavery.
-We need to find you a new platform.
-What about bullying? -I don't think anyone would look at you and believe you know anything about being bullied.
-I know a lot about being bullied.
-What's all the noise? -Just getting etiquette lessons from Princess Diana here.
- She's not an obvious winner, but there's something endearing there.
I'm in.
- Five, six, seven, eight -And just to clarify one last time, this is your only talent? -Yes, ma'am.
-Well, this won't do.
The judges can tolerate mediocrity in just about any other category, but the bar for tap dancing is simply too high.
-I am aware of that, Regina.
-Remember the last girl who won with tap dancing? -I think she might have died.
-I'm getting a really bad migraine.
-Maybe I should pick a different song, something more emotional? -Why don't we move on to interview? -Good idea.
Now, the trick is to make the interviewer feel like they're having a conversation with you.
But they're not.
In a conversation you're both asking questions, but in an interview, you're only giving answers.
What the interviewer asks is out of your control, so the key is to guide the interaction so that you're still holding the reins.
I'll demonstrate.
Give me something, Regina.
Uh, abortion is a controversial topic.
What are your feelings on the subject? -Well, to me, the real issue is that kids are engaging in sexual activity too early.
If I was crowned Miss America Starred and Striped United States, I would make sure that our nation dedicates more resources to sexual education in order to decrease the number of unplanned pregnancies.
-But you didn't answer the question.
-I answered the question I wanted to answer.
And I gave a soundbite that nobody could disagree with.
Your turn.
I'll start easy.
Describe to me your relationship with God.
Well, more than "God" I just really believe in like energy.
-I started with religion because it's a no-brainer, Samantha, a no-brainer in the sense that there is only one correct answer, and that answer is Jesus.
And please, please don't put finger quotes around the word "God.
" -I mean, I believe Jesus existed; I guess I just believe more in like spirituality.
-I don't care what you believe in when you're chopping wood back in Claremore! When you're wearing that sash, you believe in a beautiful cloudy heaven, with a bearded man who sent you his one and only son named Jesus! - Well, I have a lunch to get to, uh, which I might cancel and take a nap instead because this has been so profoundly depressing.
If you want me to call sponsors begging for money, find this girl a new talent.
And for Christ's sake, get her to a church.
-I want you to find a church service this Sunday.
Not Catholic.
And nothing where they roll around on the floor.
Those videos go viral in a heartbeat.
-Maybe I can go with you? To your church? -To my church? Yeah.
Now, I've gotta hurry to the board meeting there.
They're announcing the state pairings today.
-The what? -It's a tradition, honey.
Every year the crown holders in every state are paired with a girl from another state.
You make appearances together to promote the pageant.
-Really it's a publicity stunt.
-Like a buddy program? -No, Samantha.
Like someone who wants to destroy you in front of your entire family, but instead you pose for photos together.
-The risk is obviously being paired with someone who upstages you.
Fortunately, we don't have to worry about that this year, because I've pulled some strings and I think I've secured a partnership with Nebraska.
-Whoa-ho-ho! -And that's a good thing? -That's a great thing.
Nebraska's talent is free-style rollerblading.
-We've put a lot of thought into the pairings this year.
And obviously Nebraska is an exciting choice.
-Very fine state.
-Yes, lots of warm feelings for the Nebraska team.
But then Rick made an excellent point.
- Thank you, Nancy.
Look, Oklahoma is a sash state.
We're one of the best.
That means we should be paired with one of the best.
And Nebraska isn't the best.
-Well, I don't know about that.
-We can do better, Vicki.
I did some maneuvering, and I've gotten us paired with Texas.
-Texas? -Texas.
-Two of the best states, side by side.
You can't buy that publicity.
-Well this sounds like an incredible opportunity to bring out the absolute best in both states.
-Texas? -Sorry to sound clueless, but, um what's wrong with Texas? -Explain it to her, Nigel.
I can barely see out of my left eye.
-Texas is always the one to beat.
They've never not placed in the top five at Nationals.
It's just something in the water over there, they're like a machine.
-A lot of Texas girls move to different states to avoid competing there.
-The smart ones.
-This means we'll be working with Mandy Green.
-Who's Mandy Green? -She coaches all the Texas girls.
She's like the Dallas version of Vicki.
As soon as I heard that sentence out loud, I realized what a mistake it was.
-Texas has more backstabbing ass clowns per capita than anywhere in the nation, but Mandy takes the cake.
-Then why do you have a picture of her in here? -So that I don't forget she's out there somewhere living.
It's a long story.
-Mmm, oh.
Try that.
Oh, for God's sake, Andy! Is dairy in that? -It's coconut milk.
See? I listen to all your silly rules.
-It's not silly.
Dairy is fine for calves, because they grow up to be cows.
But I'm not a cow, am I? -You most certainly are not.
-You have soup on your mouth.
- You know, when I open my restaurant, I am gonna make sure there's a special menu for people like you.
OK? No dairy, no sugar, no fat.
No fun.
-Sounds like my kind of menu.
-So what is your plan exactly? Huh? So you open this one restaurant and then what? Are you planning on expanding to Oklahoma City? Make it regional? -I'm not really thinking that far ahead yet.
-Don't you think you should be? -I don't know.
I'd just be happy having one restaurant people like.
I mean, that's not an easy thing.
-But one restaurant? You're not going to make a big name for yourself off one restaurant.
-I'm not trying to make a big name for myself.
I am just trying to make a good living.
-And what exactly is "a good living" in your opinion? -All right, what is going on with you tonight? -Sorry.
It's not you.
It's this news about Texas.
It's just sent me into a whole mood.
-Well, I don't know anything about pageants, but you know you're good at your job.
So why don't you just relax about it? -No.
You don't understand.
Putting Samantha up against Texas before I've even had a chance to polish her, it's a public execution.
What's this girl's name? Huh? Miss Texas? -Oh, no, it's too depressing, Andy.
-Come on.
She's such a big deal, I wanna see what we're dealing with.
Brittany Garrett.
Double T, double R, double T.
Oh, come on, this girl? You can beat this girl.
-You don't have to do this.
-I'm serious.
Look at her teeth.
-What's wrong with her teeth? -They're fake.
They stick out like horse teeth.
You might be right.
-And all these photos of her doing charity work? She's trying way too hard.
I mean, come on.
-You're pretty cute when you're trying to cheer me up.
-Well, that is the goal.
-You know, Chef, I'm not really hungry.
-Why don't we put this in the fridge and have it tomorrow instead? -You know, I can't stay the night.
I only have the babysitter till 11:00.
-Oh! Yeah.
I didn't realize tonight was a child night.
-Wednesdays through Saturdays? -Hmm.
I guess I forgot.
-Well, you can always come back to mine, if you want.
You know I would I would love for you to meet her.
-And you know that that's not really my thing.
Kids don't like me.
I scare them.
-I know, I know.
Don't worry about it.
-But you're right about Texas, though.
What I need to do is find a flaw and exploit it.
-Yeah, I don't think I said that.
-Well, I'm saying it.
-What are you doing here? -Just dropping off some groceries.
-You think we forgot how to feed ourselves without you? -Yes.
I do.
-She thinks she's a celebrity now.
Why are you dressed like Taylor Swift? -My team got it for me.
-Milk made of almonds.
My coach says it's better for you.
-How much did you spend on all this? -It's fine.
What time does Dad get home? -Late.
Girls get paid to prance around in a swimsuit, meanwhile I can't even get a restaurant job.
-You can't get a restaurant job because you got stoned before your interview and slept through it.
-You only won anything 'cause you can wear a dress without lookin' like a cow.
If I had tits and a twat, I might be livin' in Utica Square too.
-Get your shoes.
We're going to Texas.
My alarm went off but I thought it was a dream, so I fell back asleep, and then I dreamt that I had gotten out of bed and was getting dressed, but I wasn't.
I was still in bed.
Where is everybody? -Doing recon on the Texas team.
-So it's just you and me? -That's right.
- Texas has a talent rehearsal at the Mammoth Center at 2:00.
We can sneak in back and watch.
-Mammoth Center.
God, Texas is tacky.
-Oh, my God.
My dream house.
Oh, my God, it's for sale.
Mm! I've been driving past this house since I was a kid.
-You should go to the open house.
-It's probably still out of my price range.
I love that house! -You definitely deserve it, honey.
-Bruce? You waste your time on those straight men.
-This is Oklahoma.
They all think they're straight men.
-You can do better than someone who goes home to his wife every night.
-This might come as a surprise to you, but we're not all blessed with the same plentitude of options.
-What does that even mean? -It means this is the Bible Belt; you cast a wider net than I do.
-Well, still, you shouldn't put so much stock in him.
What does he do? Puts on his sweatpants and tells his wife he's going to the gym? If you don't set your standards reasonably high, people will come in as low as you let them.
-You know, I'm not sure when you became such a protector of the sanctity of marriage.
-Marriage is married people's responsibility.
Look, I don't care if you sleep with someone else's husband.
I care if you blush like an idiot schoolgirl every time he texts you, like he's your boyfriend, instead of someone who washes you off of his dick and brings it back to his wife.
I'm saying this as your friend.
-Well, speaking of married men, I guess it won't bother you to hear that Robert's back in town? -Wait, what are you talking about? -I thought you were past caring.
-What did you hear? -Apparently he moved back last month.
Rumor has it his wife is staying in Oklahoma City.
I didn't mean to upset you.
- He's so secretive -You didn't upset me.
-βͺ And I don't know why βͺ - Mm-hmm.
-So how long have you worked for Vicki? -Ever since she stopped coaching me.
I didn't realize you competed.
What year were you Miss Oklahoma? -I wasn't.
I was Miss Tulsa.
-I was first runner-up at state, same as you, except my year the winner didn't drive her car into a Chinese restaurant.
-For what it's worth, winning Tulsa is a lot harder than winning Claremore.
-Everywhere in Oklahoma's different versions of the same shit.
-What? -Tulsa has three universities and like four different museums.
If you think it's the same everywhere, you haven't spent a lot of time in the actual shit.
-Well, whatever.
I've got a whole plan worked out.
I figure I'll be somewhere on the west coast in the next couple years.
-My mom was on the west coast for a while.
She and I are like huge Beach Boys fans, it's our thing.
-Break's over.
You've had enough protein.
- There's probably gonna be security at the door.
Who do we say we are? -Tell them you're Brittany's stepmother but you don't want to disturb her concentration, so she can't know you're there watching.
-I like that.
And who are you? -I'm your brother-in-law, but there's this whole thing with one side of the family because of the racial stuff.
Hi there.
We're here to watch the rehearsal.
-She's Brittany's stepmother.
-Brittany gets nervous when I watch, but I'm just so proud of her-- -Just slow it down.
You guys are here to watch the pageant girl? Yeah, you can just go inside.
I don't need to hear all this.
You sure? -This ain't a Cowboys game, lady.
-Come on.
- I can barely see.
Is she up there? -I don't know.
-What's happening? -Where did that chair come from? -Hurry up.
-These pants weren't made for walking so fast.
- Vicki Ellis? Is that you? - What-- -What are you doing? She already saw us! - I panicked! -I think you're exaggerating.
-I'm telling you, she has a perfect left leg split.
-Cynthia? Is that you? -This church is so beautiful.
I've been coming here for years.
Deacon Paul is a close friend.
I didn't know your faith was so important to you.
Pastor Collin.
Vicki Ellis.
-Tell me, is Deacon Paul here today? -Deacon Paul? I'm so sorry, but he died.
-Oh! When? Was it sudden? -It was about two years ago.
It was a pretty slow decline.
-Weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning.
Amen? - Amen.
- Now please stand with your hymnbooks and join me in singing "Amazing Grace.
" -We're going to the bathroom.
-But I don't have to pee.
-Yes you do.
-Quick, come on.
- It's a miracle.
-Why the hell didn't you tell me you could sing? -Because I can't.
-Don't (bleep) with me.
I just heard you.
-No, I can't sing in public.
-If you can sing, you can sing.
-You don't understand, I have terrible stage fright.
I don't get it whenever I dance, but something about singing makes me panic.
-Do I have to explain to you that 70 percent of Miss America U.
winners are vocalists? The judges love singers.
-I'm not a singer.
OK, I'm fine if nobody's listening, but as soon as there's an audience, my throat just-- -I don't care about your throat.
If I have to drag you up to that microphone myself, you are going to sing at Nationals.
- Vicki! -Robert.
I heard you were back.
About a month.
I was wondering when I was gonna run into you.
Not gonna lie, I didn't think it would be at church.
Has there been some sort of tragedy? -Don't be ridiculous.
You know I've come here for years.
-How long you gonna be in town for? -Well, maybe for good.
I've missed Tulsa.
-Well, it's certainly better than Oklahoma City.
How's your wife? -Well, I think she finally hates me as much as she hates you.
She's staying in Oklahoma City.
-I see.
Well, it's been nice seeing you, but there's somewhere I have to be.
-You all right? -Who was that? -Just someone I thought was dead.
-Vicki, this feels like torture porn.
-I don't understand.
You sounded great yesterday.
-That's because I didn't think anybody could hear me.
-We need to get you comfortable.
What would make it less scary for you? -Well, I guess it would help if I didn't have to look at you guys.
No offense.
So, why don't you turn around, face the wall? Let's see if that helps.
-Wait a second.
-Vicki? It's Mandy.
Mandy Green.
-Hey, Mandy.
Hi there.
I haven't heard from or thought about you in ages.
- Well, that's so funny.
I could have sworn that I saw you in the lobby of our auditorium the other day.
-In Texas? No.
That couldn't have been me.
I've been right here in Tulsa.
-How odd.
Guess I'll just have to check the security cameras.
Anyway, I was so thrilled to hear we'd been paired together.
-Me too.
-And it's so good for Oklahoma.
Y'all never get the attention you deserve.
-Well, we're certainly getting a lot of attention this year with our little star.
-Oh, I know.
I heard about Hayley.
What a tragedy.
I know you had big plans for her.
Our other little star.
Our new Miss Oklahoma, Samantha.
-Aww, Miss Claremore, right? -Formerly.
She's really something.
-Well, good for her.
I can't wait to meet her tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? But our first joint event isn't until next week.
-Oh, did I forget to mention? Brittany and I are on our way to Tulsa right now.
About to cross the state line any minute.
-The Oklahoma state line? -Yep.
Little nerve wracking, to be honest, by the border.
We loaded up on pepper spray.
But once we get past Chickasha, things get a bit more civilized.
We were just so excited to meet Samantha, we figured, why wait? I heard she's got a speaking engagement tomorrow so we just thought we'd come right down and watch her do her thing.
-That's wonderful.
-You don't mind, do you? - Of course not.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
She's very special.
-Well, great.
Anyway, I better keep my eyes on the road.
Don't wanna end up like Hayley.
All right.
I will see you tomorrow, Vicki.
-I'm really looking forward to it.
-Vicki? Sing! -This was supposed to be exclusively Miss Oklahoma.
-We should hang out sometime.
-Yes, definitely.
-So help me God, you do not hang out with that girl.
-Have you seen Brittany? -I think she left.
-Brittany did that? -Maybe I should spend some weekends with Aunt Vicki.
-I have to do this community service thing in Tulsa.
I was wondering if I could spend some weekends at your place.
-You wanna stay with me? He thinks he can just come back and immediately get under my skin.
-You always let him.
-Why are you here?