Queen of Oz (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

They Used to Oink at Me

The public has always
loved your brother, ma'am. Pfft.
On a scale of one to ten,
how sanctimonious does he look?
A solid 12.
Oh, do shove it up your arse, Fred.
Why are you here?
You need to get married.
Who would like to see the
heir to the British throne
show Binky a "wittle wuv"?
I had a koala bear
sitting on my face!
Well, I hope you bought him
a drink first.
Door, idiot!
Security cameras have her
slipping out the back entrance.
This is lowkey exciting.
What if she's hurt?
What if she's kidnapped?
What if she's hungry? Ah!
How can this be happening?!
Hands up if you've just been
arrested for buying cocaine
from an undercover police officer.
Somebody should probably let
Teddy know he's pulled.
It's been six months
since the royal engagement,
and with the wedding approaching,
the notoriously camera shy couple
are baring all in their
first official interview.
I'm sure the public at large
don't realise the dedication
and, frankly, the sacrifice that
the life of a sovereign entails.
It's not all palaces
and trips abroad.
I mean, a lot of it is.
Er, I really have to address
this, though.
If rumours are to be believed,
your family forced you
into this marriage.
If rumours are to be believed,
Elvis is alive
and running his own church
in Pensacola.
That's the honeymoon sorted.
Look, I know it's no secret
my family wanted me to settle down.
It's also no secret I don't
like being told what to do.
Teddy is my choice. As you are mine.
We chose each other.
When we first met, we just clicked.
I don't think either of us expected
anything to come of it, though.
Here we are, six months
down the line, head over heels.
It has blossomed into
something very special.
Love hit me right between the eyes.
And, you know, it's no surprise,
really, is it?
He's handsome and
kind and intelligent.
Oh, and he can name every
marsupial under the sun.
Comes in more handy
than you'd think.
Not at all.
Er, well, look, the question
on everyone's lips, of course,
can we expect a little prince
or princess in the future?
Oh, let's not get ahead of
ourselves. I barely know him.
But, seriously, are there
any plans for children?
Look, we know we'd be coming to
the parenting party a little late,
but it would be a wonderful gift.
Who knows what Mother Nature,
or indeed a good fertility clinic
has in store for me, but
Well, who wouldn't want
to continue those genes?
I'm sure my ancestral line could
do with an injection of new blood.
And he's one-eighth Danish.
Hurdy-gurdy, gurdy-hurdy.
That's Swedish. Same thing.
Well, thank you both
for your time today.
We look forward to the next chapter
of your fairy tale
whirlwind love story.
Thank you.
Baby I Dig You by Gene Anderson
Thank you, that was fantastic.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
You used to call me your lover
Oh, you made me that way
I had lots of fancy clothes
Oh, and everything was OK ♪
What did you make of the interview
last night on television?
Did you watch it with
Georgie and her groom-to-be?
Perfect, they will be
the best couple ever.
Power couple?
Yeah, I like both of them.
Yeah, yeah. That works for me.
If they do manage to have a baby
then good for them.
I've been quite judgmental
about her.
Hang on, so, what, you're flipping
around now? Not flipping around.
But, erm, maybe Teddy's
good for her.
Maybe this might end up being OK.
Maybe I'm jealous as hell.
What a gorgeous Australian boy.
I mean, he's a total
hunk-a-spunk, right?
She could literally get anyone.
Like, I feel like I'd support
her no matter what she did.
So Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah. Yep.
Beautiful icon girl boss.
The interview played really well.
Overnight ratings were huge.
It was the perfect mix
of I like you all,
but I also rule you all.
Nailed it - seriously. Nope.
Yeah, you were a bit flirty
and a bit not flirty.
Flirty, not flirty.
I wasn't flirting with the woman.
I could barely concentrate.
She kept crossing and uncrossing
her legs. Why do they do that?
And you lit up the internet.
"Queen Georgie wants
her little prince."
"Queen reveals desire for an heir."
And then Steel News led
with "Monarch HEIRlines". Nice.
Your Majesty,
Sylvia Anderson has arrived.
Who? Your future mother-in-law.
Oh, meeting the parents.
Parent. His father's dead.
Oh, God. What's she like?
Oh, I think you're going
to love her.
I've never met
anyone's parents before.
Thank goodness there's only the one.
Teddy suggested she come
to stay for a bit and bond.
I said absolutely not,
but he thought I was joking.
Ooh, it's all getting a bit real,
isn't it?
PM's have to see you.
Again? She was here last week.
Yes, and one day you'll
remember she comes every week.
Congratulations on the interview.
Shall I get the royal coat of arms
embroidered on some onesies?
Don't you start.
Oh, I think you'd
have a delightful baby.
They do say ginger
skips a generation.
I'm assuming you won't
be joining me. No, thank you.
It's 12:10.
How did anyone ever vote for you?
Congratulations, ma'am.
Your interview was a big success.
You are riding high.
Yes, it appears my comments have
sparked a lively national debate
about geriatric pregnancy,
which is something I've always
wanted my name tagged to.
It's sexist terminology.
Geriatric refers to any woman
over the age of 35.
Ah. Oh, that's all right, then.
I thought it was just a dig at me.
I'm sure there are many career women
who feel like they've
left it too late
who will see you as a role model.
Another dream realised.
I had my eggs frozen
when I became an MP. Ugh.
Don't. Please.
As you may or may not know
My money's on not.
My government promised to deliver
state-of-the-art birthing facilities
to all of our hospitals. Sorry?
With this unexpected spike
in your popularity
and the focus now being on
your reproductive future,
how would you feel about us
naming the new maternity unit
at Sydney Hospital after you?
No, thanks. You'll get a plaque.
A what? A plaque.
I don't want a plaque.
Everyone wants a plaque.
And here's me saying no to a plaque.
There's a cocktail reception
afterwards. Sure.
What's that?
This is Clint.
I beg your pardon.
This is Clint,
Teddy's mother's therapy dog.
Who's having the therapy?
It's unclear.
Mum's here. Yes, I had
the pleasure of meeting her dog.
I don't remember what he's called,
but I know it starts with a C
and ends with "nt".
Clint. He's been her rock
ever since Dad died.
Hmm. Well, he certainly
shakes a lot for a rock.
Oh, he's really helped her.
She used to be really highly strung.
Mum. Ah!
Oh, my. Teddy,
you crept up on me then.
Sh, Clint.
So sorry about the crockery.
Will someone come and clear it up,
or should I clear it up myself?
Oh, you probably have servants
for that, or do you say servants?
Oh Sh. Clint.
Oh, what a day.
It's fine, Mum.
Don't worry,
it wasn't the good stuff.
Mum, this is Georgie.
Georgie, this is Mum.
It's wonderful to meet you, Sylvia.
Likewise, Your Majesty,
or should I call you daughter?
I'm going to say no, seeing
as we're not in a Greek tragedy.
Ma'am. Ah!
Christ on a bike. Relax, Mum.
Is it always like this around here?
People are often walking
through doors, yes.
I was wondering about dinner.
Any dietary requirements?
Sylvia? Oh, I'm easy.
Whatever's on the menu.
I mean, I eat practically
Excellent. Except meat.
I'll have the chef prepare
a salmon. Uh-uh, and fish.
Do you eat vegetables? Of course,
that would be crazy. Wouldn't it?
Except carrots.
Thank you, Weiwei.
Er, what was his name?
Weiwei? Leave it, Mum.
Well, isn't this something?
I can't believe I'm here.
Oh, little mister,
he's due for his eye medication,
so we'll skedaddle.
I'll see you at dinner.
But no dessert for you,
Miss Bride-to-be.
Ma'am. Ah! What is
wrong with you people?
Oh Clint, come.
So that's Mum.
Yeah. I thought you said
she was highly strung.
The Arrival Of
The Queen Of Sheba by Handel
We're here. Wish we weren't.
This visit is super important.
We need to capitalise
off the interview.
Up until now, your approval rating
with women has been Abysmal.
Women - always moaning
about something.
Literally pretending
like you didn't say that.
It's true. It is not true.
Certainly not here.
The women in this building
roar like lions.
Oh, we won't have to hear that,
will we?
There is nothing greater
than the gift of life.
Yes, there is.
It's called real estate.
My fiance and I are planning
to have a baby.
Oh, that's sweet.
So someone in the family
will have smaller hands than you.
So you're going to tour the wards,
make chitchat with the staff,
and then finish with
the unveiling of the plaque.
Do you have any questions at
all about the briefing notes?
Yes. Yes, actually.
Of course I don't.
It's just babies, blah, blah, blah.
This facility also has
cutting edge technology,
like encapsulating placenta into
nutritious pills. Nauseating.
Perhaps just say the opposite
of whatever you're thinking.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
"Perhaps just say the opposite
of whatever you're thinking."
That's how big your
baby's hands will be.
There is nothing greater
than the gift of life.
I mean, the things women have
to go through to give birth
are really quite something,
aren't they?
All the, you know,
and the pain and injection
I mean, it's just
got to hurt, hasn't it?
That Anyway, you know
Extraordinary how quickly
the car can veer off the road.
But, you know, please, please,
don't let me stop you.
I know you've got many things to do.
Mainly, I suppose lots of you've
got to go and poke into some
clackers to sort of pull
pull new life into the world.
"Come on, Mum."
Do all that. And then
"Ooh, sorry, Mum.
We've ripped your vagina."
I mean, it's Really the indignity
of it, it's astonishing, isn't it?
I have heard that some people
poo a little when they give birth.
It really is extraordinary.
You are doing God's work.
I honestly don't know
who it's worse for.
You, the mother laying in it,
the baby entering the world
with a little bit of
mummy's poo on their head.
"Hello, I've just been born.
What's this? Oh, it's shite."
Should its head be that shape?
It's quite coney, isn't it?
I mean, I'm sure
they've checked everything.
And there's always hats.
Shall we move on to the
birthing suite? Righty-oh.
Well, well done, you.
And, er, good luck with
with that.
I mean, did you see it?
Looked like the end of a Cornetto.
Hopefully it'll grow up
to be a wizard.
We've got a beanbag over there,
we've got exercise balls here,
the TV over here for all
your entertainment needs
and with our surround sound system,
we can play whatever music
you want during your labour.
Dolly Parton on a loop, surely.
Hello. Sorry to interrupt.
We were just going to have
a little peek.
How are you? Hi.
Get a shot of her and the preggos.
Hi. Hello. I'm the Queen.
Ooh, that sounded a little
more formal than I intended.
Please, please, don't curtsy.
Don't curtsy. You are all exempt.
Jessica Bramer.
It's Thompson now, but I, erm
It's so great to see you again,
Your Majesty.
How do you even remember me?
I don't think this is Dolly.
Fat, ginger,
curly-haired little piggy.
Come on, don't be
so hard on yourself.
That's what she used to call me.
She was one of the girls
at school who used to bully me.
They used to throw sweets
and oink at me.
"You'll never be queen,
you're too fat to be queen."
"Fatty-fatty queen-queen.
Oink, oink, oink."
Actually, I think that one was
started by one of the teachers.
Childhood trauma
has been reawakened, ma'am.
Oh, please.
It's not Jurassic Park.
No, there were no pigs there.
I was bullied too.
They used to pick on me
for being clever and pretty.
Oh, shut the fuck up, Zoe.
What did they used to say to you?
"You're as pretty as a picture
and as smart as a fox."
"Please will you be our friend?"
They used to oink at me.
Children can be very cruel,
especially if you stand
out from the crowd.
The pointing and the laughing,
hurtful jokes about
race and culture.
That kind of stuff will scar a kid.
One of these days I really
should apologise to Ranjit.
Not where I thought that was going.
Well, if we're doing this,
I was bullied too.
Obviously. Of course
you were. Yes, you were.
OK, what you're all doing
there is bullying.
Well, that's cos you're a loser. Oh.
Me too, I was bullied as well.
I didn't know that. Cos I've
never really spoken about it.
It's not the sort of thing that you
want to dredge up after all these
OK, I wasn't really.
I just felt a bit left out.
Did you know there are
three Hemsworth brothers?
I can't tell the difference
between Chris and Liam
and now apparently
there's a Luke in the mix.
Did you know there were three
Olsen sisters? I did not.
Mary-Kate, Ashley and Elizabeth.
Mm, that's four.
No, Mary-Kate's one person.
I've never heard of any of them.
The woman got you pretty
triggered back there.
What, like one of those people
who do a nutty every time
they see a clown? Ridiculous.
This business.
You're doing the
fidgety finger thing.
You do that when you're upset.
Imagine what I do
when I see a clown.
I was bullied too.
Who by, John Wick?
No, I could take him easy.
You should talk to her. You have a
right to let her know what she did.
You've held on to it
for long enough.
I couldn't bear to be in
the same room as her again.
You'll feel better, trust me. I did.
I could find out
she's led a dismal life,
is living on the bones of her arse
and revel in it.
I've always said benevolence
is your greatest quality.
She used to oink at me.
We're having dinner with who?
One of Georgie's old school friends.
But they know you can't
eat sesame seeds. They know.
Oh, Teddy, my head's still
spinning with all this.
I mean, isn't it just mad?
It is, but at the same time,
it isn't.
I think we just click, Mum.
And as mad as this all is,
I just think that she's my one.
Hello, Mrs Anderson.
Polite notice - I'm about
to come through the door.
Coming through the door now.
Right, you are.
Oh, Jesus. You didn't say you'd
be carrying anything.
Apologies. That was remiss of me.
Sh, Clint.
That was Little Shop Of Horrors
for a bit there.
And your dog is on
our $40,000 couch.
Do you mind if I ask you
a question, hmm?
In Downton Abbey,
which one would you be?
Whichever member of
the household was from Asia.
No, I don't think there were any.
No wonder I never watched it.
And then it was about that time
that I realised
modelling isn't all
it's cracked up to be.
So I got off the catwalk,
started law school from scratch,
and now I'm pleased to say that
I'm senior prosecutor for the state.
And with this new surprise
starts another chapter.
It's wonderful to hear how well
things are working out for you
since we last met.
Oh, God, it's been a minute.
Do you remember those days? I do.
Oh. Fun times. Oh, the best.
I wouldn't say that.
I hated school.
I was an awkward, insecure child,
miles away from home.
I did like swimming, though.
I wasn't particularly sporty.
But these grew early, giving me
an unrivalled buoyancy in the water,
so Well, you've got
to love physics.
But you put a stop to all that.
I'm sorry?
You should be.
Koala ears.
What are you talking about?
Koala ears, that's what
she used to call me.
That's a cute nickname.
Oh, I know!
How about Princess Pubes?
Well, that's not so nice.
I was 12 years old,
standing on top of the diving board,
and you pointed at my newly sprouted
noony poking out of my swimsuit
and in front of everyone shouted,
"Koala ears!" That would scar a kid.
Yes, it did.
I've had a hot wax
every week for over 30 years,
whether I've needed one or not.
Jesus. You must have thighs
like chicken skin.
I don't remember any of this.
Do you remember saying, if
Ronald McDonald ever gets cancer,
I could make him a wig
out of my big red muff?
Georgie. Not quite the dinner
conversation I'd hoped for.
I don't remember saying that,
but if I did,
I am so sorry for the pain
that it's caused you.
Not good enough.
You po-faced overachieving
bucket of jizz.
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
"Now I'm proud to say I'm senior
prosecutor for the state."
This is outrageous.
Have you lost your mind?
Fuck off. Oh! What's happening?
OK, no, you fuck off,
princess piss pot.
Oh, it's all coming back now.
You're just jealous of me.
You were then and you are now.
Oh, please!
I'm the fucking Queen.
Yeah, but inside you're still
a four-eyed ginger fatty
with an escaping minge.
OK, everyone should
just calm down.
Mum, Mum. Where's Clint?
I need Clint.
All this monarchy nonsense.
Look at you. It's just cosplay.
You, the Queen.
Ha! Don't make me laugh.
You're a nobody. Get out.
My pleasure.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, move along the bus, please.
I think it's coming.
Yes, and you're leaving.
Call an ambulance.
My Clint, my Clint!
Oh, my God, can I smell urine?
No, it's the dog.
Yeah, and Jessica.
Why are they urinating?
I'm not urinating.
Well, someone's urinating.
Stop saying urinating!
Oh, I think something's coming out.
Oh-oh! The baby's coming!
Er, could we try and keep it
all off the furniture, please?
It's crowing!
Go away.
You may be a Republican, Zoe,
but you cannot just burst
into the Queen's boudoir
in the middle of Aussie Lobstermen.
There's a problem.
No shit - Squizzy's boat's
about to sink. A bigger problem.
Po-faced overachieving
bucket of jizz.
You are really going
to have to start addressing me
with more respect. My contact
at Steel News says that your friend
is considering leaking the details
of the other night's dinner.
That's not very friendly.
Look, we just turned
a corner on bad PR.
Yeah. Good job, buddy.
So this can't get out.
You need to fix this.
And as soon as I find out what's
happening with Squizzy's boat,
I will get right on it.
Fine, I'll see her tomorrow.
Now, get out the way.
The man's about to drown.
This is all your fault.
"Talk to her. You'll feel better.
Trust me." That's what you said.
Yeah, talk to her,
not verbally induce labour.
Well, excuse me
if I'm not as emotionally mature
as you clearly were.
Well, to be fair, I wasn't either.
We were only able to move past that
after I headbutted him.
Well, you buried the lead
on THAT one.
Don't touch my baby.
Don't let her take my baby!
Right, calm down, I'm not a dingo.
Oh, isn't it
It's just really, you know
You look well.
Not well -
more broken and haunted.
If you've come here
to finish me off, Georgie,
don't bother. Nine hours
of labour beat you to it.
I know you're going to the press
and, er, I was going to
come and try and stop you
with an insincere apology. But
This all got real
very quickly, didn't it?
My goodness, I'm so sorry.
My behaviour was
appalling, indefensible.
I'm not even going to try.
The problem is clearly
with me and not you.
I guess I'm still that fat
little kid who got dumped
in Australia and hates her life.
You can't smoke here, Georgie.
Oh, of course.
No ashtrays.
I think holding on to an old grudge
is just another way of me
avoiding my real issues.
Like what?
Choosing which crown to wear?
I'm saying this out loud
for the first time, but
I'm about to marry a man
I don't love.
Wow. Yeah.
I mean, Teddy's great.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
but I just I can't get there.
And maybe that will change in time.
But for now
things are not what they seem.
Throw into the mix the headache
of choosing which crown to wear,
and you can see why I'm such a mess.
God, things are never
what they seem.
You don't think school
was hard for me too?
My parents were always fighting -
horrible fights.
Eventually, my dad just took off.
I fell apart.
I got kicked out of uni for drugs,
my addiction got worse,
and I'm saying this out
loud for the first time,
but I slept with men for money.
It was horrible,
degrading, embarrassing.
Throw into the mix
a newborn baby and hormones
and 29 stitches,
and you can see why I'M such a mess.
Well, I
guess we've both had our issues.
I'd say so.
Although mine wasn't so much
the blowjobs for cash kind of thing.
Too soon. Mm.
Quite annoying, isn't it?
I'm not going to the press, Georgie.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Does this mean we're friends now?
I'd say we both deserve
a happy ending.
Doesn't that cost extra?
OK, koala ears, get out.
Going. Yeah.
Least its head's not too coney.
How did it go? You know what?
I feel good. No regrets.
Oh, God, please don't
No, Marc, I didn't headbutt her.
Queen Georgiana back
at Sydney Hospital today to finally
unveil that plaque.
We'll take you back to Sydney
Hospital very soon for take two
at the opening
of the new maternity ward.
Is she going to turn up today,
do you think?
Is she going to bolt again?
And it is our great honour
to declare
the Queen Georgiana Maternity Wing
officially open.
Well, I have to thank you, Rebecca.
I do appreciate the gesture.
And, you know, you're right,
it IS nice to have a plaque.
Ah, YOU'RE in a positive mood.
It's just a good day.
Looks amazing, ma'am.
Completely inspiring.
Thank you, Matthew.
Oh, my God!
"Senior state prosecutor
Jessica Thompson fights for marriage
"and career after prostitution
revelations are leaked"?!
Isn't that your friend?
Is it?
And when they fight, they fight
And when they come home
at night they say
"I love you, baby"
Ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Then, when it all
comes crashing down ♪
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