Queer as Folk s05e06 Episode Script
Bored Out of Ya Fucking Mind
SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin.
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# HARD INDUSTRIAL DANCE MUSIC THROBS HARD INDUSTRIAL DANCE MUSIC THROBS You fucked him? Wednesday.
You fucked him? Wednesday.
And the hot Latino? Thursday.
And the hot Latino? Thursday.
Well, 'ole', Teddy.
You are out of control! Well, 'ole', Teddy.
You are out of control! Good evening, twats.
Good evening, twats.
Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, since they represent half my fanbase? since they represent half my fanbase? Have any hermaphrodites? Have any hermaphrodites? I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Good.
Go fuck yourself.
Good.
Go fuck yourself.
Anybody here worth doing? Anybody here worth doing? No, sorry, Bri.
Already done 'em.
No, sorry, Bri.
Already done 'em.
Oh, we were up to Friday.
Oh, we were up to Friday.
Oh, there's Friday.
Oh, there's Friday.
Over there.
The bossy bottom over there.
Over there.
The bossy bottom over there.
He's a bottom?! He's a bottom?! Yeah.
You should hear him sing 'Natural Woman'.
Yeah.
You should hear him sing 'Natural Woman'.
Better than Aretha, I might add.
Better than Aretha, I might add.
You gotta gag 'em first, then fuck 'em! You gotta gag 'em first, then fuck 'em! You still have much to learn, dear boy.
You still have much to learn, dear boy.
Oh, my God, who's that? Oh, my God, who's that? DANCE MUSIC RISES DANCE MUSIC RISES TED: I don't know, but I believe I have Sunday free TED: I don't know, but I believe I have Sunday free Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.
Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.
I'll let him have this one.
I'll let him have this one.
SONG: # I feel sexy SONG: # I feel sexy # If you like it # If you like it # Don't just stand there, there, there, there, there # Don't just stand there, there, there, there, there # Just stand there, there, there, there, there # # Just stand there, there, there, there, there # BEN: Wow, Rage and J.
T.
are finally tying the knot! BEN: Wow, Rage and J.
T.
are finally tying the knot! It's about time, wouldn't you say? It's about time, wouldn't you say? Did they go to Toronto? Did they go to Toronto? No, Massachupiter.
It's a planet.
No, Massachupiter.
It's a planet.
Unlike Pennsylvania, it's legal for gays to get married there.
Unlike Pennsylvania, it's legal for gays to get married there.
Aha! So where do we buy our rocket ship tickets and zoom off? Aha! So where do we buy our rocket ship tickets and zoom off? Huh.
I wish.
(Chuckles) Huh.
I wish.
(Chuckles) Well, until we can, Well, until we can, we'll just live vicariously through our intrepid superheroes.
we'll just live vicariously through our intrepid superheroes.
Well, let's hope that 5,000 readers - Well, let's hope that 5,000 readers - no, what the hell, make it 10 - agree with you.
no, what the hell, make it 10 - agree with you.
I'll get these out of your way.
I'll get these out of your way.
You coming to our house-warming? You coming to our house-warming? I wouldn't miss it! I wouldn't miss it! It's gonna be a bad-ass blow-out.
It's gonna be a bad-ass blow-out.
What do you say we start early? What do you say we start early? Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
(Both moan happily) (Both moan happily) (Moans warningly) (Moans warningly) Here he is! Here he is! Our wayward son.
Our wayward son.
Cool cover! Where you been? Cool cover! Where you been? I thought you were gonna be home by 6:00.
I thought you were gonna be home by 6:00.
I was practising with my debating partner.
I was practising with my debating partner.
Whenever I used to tell my parents that, I was usually getting stoned.
Whenever I used to tell my parents that, I was usually getting stoned.
When's the big event? When's the big event? Uh, tomorrow afternoon.
Uh, tomorrow afternoon.
It's in front of the whole school.
It's in front of the whole school.
What's the topic? Capital punishment.
What's the topic? Capital punishment.
I'm all for it.
I say fry the motherfuckers.
I'm all for it.
I say fry the motherfuckers.
Now you see why we're so proud.
(Laughs) Now you see why we're so proud.
(Laughs) Now, what I'm about to show you may frighten small children, Now, what I'm about to show you may frighten small children, so parents may want them to leave the room.
so parents may want them to leave the room.
Scary, huh? Scary, huh? It's what I call the comb OVER It's what I call the comb OVER .
.
like Wally's, here.
.
.
like Wally's, here.
But see how much hotter Wally looks But see how much hotter Wally looks when he embraces his baldness? when he embraces his baldness? Why, Wallace Why, Wallace .
.
is that a hickey?! .
.
is that a hickey?! Go for it, tiger! Grr! Go for it, tiger! Grr! Alright, those are my hairdos and don'ts.
Alright, those are my hairdos and don'ts.
Next week, I'm waxing - Next week, I'm waxing - and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor! and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor! OK, everybody.
OK, everybody.
Be fabulous! Be fabulous! Thanks, Queer Guy.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks, Queer Guy.
That's it for tonight.
Hopefully, we'll be 'hair' tomorrow.
Hopefully, we'll be 'hair' tomorrow.
May all your news be good news.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS May all your news be good news.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS MAN: We're out.
MAN: We're out.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
That was fabulous! Yeah! That was fabulous! Yeah! See, you've even got me doing it.
Sorry, Don.
See, you've even got me doing it.
Sorry, Don.
Sorry? Since you've been on the air, the ratings have gone up two points! Sorry? Since you've been on the air, the ratings have gone up two points! Now everybody wants the queer perspective.
Now everybody wants the queer perspective.
Channel 9 has even hired a trannie weatheruh, person.
Channel 9 has even hired a trannie weatheruh, person.
Well, let's just hope heshe Well, let's just hope heshe can decide if it's gonna be rainy or fair! can decide if it's gonna be rainy or fair! Either way, your fans are gonna be lined up around the block Either way, your fans are gonna be lined up around the block to see you tomorrow at Hoffman's! to see you tomorrow at Hoffman's! So many in need, so little time.
So many in need, so little time.
And wait till you read your And wait till you read your .
.
fan mail.
.
.
fan mail.
Fan mail? For me? Fan mail? For me? Even people who hate fags love you.
Even people who hate fags love you.
CARL: Here you go, hon.
CARL: Here you go, hon.
(Groans) Oh, thank you, Carl, but (Groans) Oh, thank you, Carl, but .
.
honestly, I don't think I could keep it down.
.
.
honestly, I don't think I could keep it down.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Are you still hurtin'? Mm-hm.
Are you still hurtin'? Mm-hm.
Poor baby.
Poor baby.
Did you take what Dr McGrath prescribed? Did you take what Dr McGrath prescribed? That quack?! That quack?! He had me splitting corn to be served with orange sauce.
He had me splitting corn to be served with orange sauce.
I mean, there are all these new diseases.
I mean, there are all these new diseases.
You know, damn doctors can't keep up with it.
You know, damn doctors can't keep up with it.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What if it's mad cow, or that bird flu? What if it's mad cow, or that bird flu? Come to think of it, a pigeon shit on my shoulder the other day - Come to think of it, a pigeon shit on my shoulder the other day - I gotta remember to tell that to the new doctor.
I gotta remember to tell that to the new doctor.
New doctor? New doctor? I'm getting a second opinion.
I'm getting a second opinion.
Actually, it's more like a fourth.
Actually, it's more like a fourth.
OK, that's it.
OK, that's it.
Who you calling? The station.
Who you calling? The station.
I'm gonna take you.
Carl, please, no! I'm gonna take you.
Carl, please, no! It'll just make it worse, alright? It'll just make it worse, alright? Thinking that I'm keeping you from work.
Thinking that I'm keeping you from work.
(Sighs) (Sighs) You go solve a murder or two.
You go solve a murder or two.
(Tuts) I wish I could solve this (Tuts) I wish I could solve this (Gasps) Gently! Gently.
(Gasps) Gently! Gently.
OK, promise you'll call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says.
OK, promise you'll call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says.
I promise.
I promise.
Oh! (Groans) Oh! (Groans) It's OK, honey.
It's OK, honey.
(Blows a kiss) (Blows a kiss) I'll be at Hoffman's department store today from 1:00 to 3:00 I'll be at Hoffman's department store today from 1:00 to 3:00 signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous.
signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous.
Be sure and stop by! Be sure and stop by! Oh, Teddy, I feel as if I finally found my calling, Oh, Teddy, I feel as if I finally found my calling, that God has appointed me from above to do his work below.
that God has appointed me from above to do his work below.
Saint Emmett! Saint Emmett! Patron saint of the fashion-impoverished, Patron saint of the fashion-impoverished, the style-deprived.
the style-deprived.
You laugh, but there is something almost holy You laugh, but there is something almost holy about saving the thousands of walking disasters in this town.
about saving the thousands of walking disasters in this town.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Of which he is definitely not one.
Of which he is definitely not one.
Can you believe that guy? Can you believe that guy? Walked right by, didn't even recognise me.
Walked right by, didn't even recognise me.
But I recognise him.
But I recognise him.
Is he someone? Is he someone? Oh, he's someone alright.
Oh, he's someone alright.
Pride, 2002.
Pride, 2002.
We had amazing sex We had amazing sex .
.
at least, I thought so.
.
.
at least, I thought so.
Then, the next day, Then, the next day, I met him at Woody's.
I met him at Woody's.
He told me once a year he finds some loser guy He told me once a year he finds some loser guy Like you.
And I give him a break.
Like you.
And I give him a break.
I give himI give him me, I give himI give him me, the fuck of his life.
the fuck of his life.
You know, something he can remember, You know, something he can remember, much like a souvenir.
much like a souvenir.
It's my way of giving back to the community.
It's my way of giving back to the community.
Teddy, that was aeons ago! Teddy, that was aeons ago! Look at you now - Look at you now - thin, gorgeous, guys falling all over you.
thin, gorgeous, guys falling all over you.
It was the single most humiliating experience of my life.
It was the single most humiliating experience of my life.
Everybody called me Everybody called me .
.
Aunt Pityfuck.
.
.
Aunt Pityfuck.
Well, as painful as it may have been, Well, as painful as it may have been, you just have to let it go.
you just have to let it go.
Or get even.
Or get even.
I'm not gonna make him nervous! I'm not gonna make him nervous! I'll sit in the back, he won't even know I'm there.
I'll sit in the back, he won't even know I'm there.
I just wanna see him in action.
I just wanna see him in action.
We'll stop by the store afterwards.
I'll take you both to dinner.
We'll stop by the store afterwards.
I'll take you both to dinner.
Love.
Love.
(Mutters) Oh, God.
(Mutters) Oh, God.
Callie? Callie? It's Ben.
It's Ben.
Mr Bruckner! I know - Hunter's dad.
Mr Bruckner! I know - Hunter's dad.
I came to watch him debate.
I came to watch him debate.
Which way is the auditorium? Uh Which way is the auditorium? Uh As you go in, it's on the right.
As you go in, it's on the right.
Ah.
Ah.
(Laughs) (Laughs) But I don't think there's a debate.
But I don't think there's a debate.
They've got a chorus practice.
They've got a chorus practice.
(Laughs) Are you sure? (Laughs) Are you sure? Is Hunter OK? Is Hunter OK? He hasn't been in school all week.
He hasn't been in school all week.
Oh, he's fine.
I guess I must have misunderstood him.
Oh, he's fine.
I guess I must have misunderstood him.
This pink striped shirt will look fab under this jacket, This pink striped shirt will look fab under this jacket, andoh, oh, oh! andoh, oh, oh! And see how this tie really makes it pop? And see how this tie really makes it pop? Frankly, I don't care what clothes Irwin wears.
Frankly, I don't care what clothes Irwin wears.
He took your advice from the other night and shaved his head, He took your advice from the other night and shaved his head, you know, he embraced his baldness.
you know, he embraced his baldness.
Now I barely let him out of the bedroom! Now I barely let him out of the bedroom! I can't tell you how much it warms my heart I can't tell you how much it warms my heart to know I'm keeping heteros horny! to know I'm keeping heteros horny! (All laugh) OK.
(All laugh) OK.
Alright, be back in five! It's tinkle time! Alright, be back in five! It's tinkle time! (All chuckle) WOMAN: 'Bye! (All chuckle) WOMAN: 'Bye! You are a superstar! Oh, shh.
You are a superstar! Oh, shh.
Look at this crowd! Look at this crowd! Yeah, second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers Stadium.
Yeah, second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers Stadium.
Brian! Brian! I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Wellneeded socks.
Wellneeded socks.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's as proud of you as we are.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's as proud of you as we are.
Aren't you? (Laughs) Aren't you? (Laughs) Yeah, it's an honour to count among our close personal friends Yeah, it's an honour to count among our close personal friends television's latest gay eunuch.
television's latest gay eunuch.
Excuse me? Excuse me? You know, as in non-sexual, non-threatening You know, as in non-sexual, non-threatening Ball-less.
Ball-less.
You do homage to a long and illustrious line You do homage to a long and illustrious line of lovable, laughable clowns who've come before you.
of lovable, laughable clowns who've come before you.
Why, just look at all these people! Why, just look at all these people! They're my fans.
They're my fans.
They adore me.
They adore me.
Because you're so cute! Because you're so cute! But do you think they'd still adore you But do you think they'd still adore you if they knew you took it up the ass and liked it? if they knew you took it up the ass and liked it? Like I said, Brian - Like I said, Brian - I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Any time.
Any time.
I just love you.
You're so cute! I just love you.
You're so cute! Thank you.
Thank you.
Ma'am, step back, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ma'am, step back, please.
He's been lying to us? He's been lying to us? I'm sure there's a reason.
I'm sure there's a reason.
I didn't say a good reason.
I didn't say a good reason.
But I thought he trusted us, that, you know, But I thought he trusted us, that, you know, he told us everything! he told us everything! Did you tell your mother everything when you were 17? Did you tell your mother everything when you were 17? I didn't have to.
There were hidden monitors in every room.
I didn't have to.
There were hidden monitors in every room.
She had a homing device implanted in my brain soon after birth - She had a homing device implanted in my brain soon after birth - it's the only explanation how she automatically knew.
it's the only explanation how she automatically knew.
Herehere he comes.
Herehere he comes.
Now, let's try not to let our emotions run amok.
Now, let's try not to let our emotions run amok.
That's easy for you to say - That's easy for you to say - you come from a long line of repressed alcoholics.
you come from a long line of repressed alcoholics.
(Scoffs) (Scoffs) Sorry I'm late.
I was in debate club.
Sorry I'm late.
I was in debate club.
This week's topic is 'Secrets and lies'? This week's topic is 'Secrets and lies'? We know you haven't been in school all week.
We know you haven't been in school all week.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES DOOR OPENS, CLOSES Better.
Better.
Would you just leave me the fuck alone? Would you just leave me the fuck alone? I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
We have to talk about it.
We wanna help you.
We have to talk about it.
We wanna help you.
You can't help me.
Nobody can help me.
It's too late.
You can't help me.
Nobody can help me.
It's too late.
It's never too late.
It's never too late.
I know it's been a tough few weeks I know it's been a tough few weeks Try years.
Try years.
OK.
OK, but there's gotta be a solution.
OK.
OK, but there's gotta be a solution.
I can't go back to that school.
I can't go back to that school.
Everybody just stares at me like I'm a piece of shit, Everybody just stares at me like I'm a piece of shit, and when they do, that's how I feel.
and when they do, that's how I feel.
You're not a piece of shit! You're not a piece of shit! You're a brave, smart, funny, wonderful person.
You're a brave, smart, funny, wonderful person.
And you're our son! And we love you! And you're our son! And we love you! And you don't have to lie to us.
We know what you're going through.
And you don't have to lie to us.
We know what you're going through.
You have no idea.
You have no idea.
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR SLAMS FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR SLAMS How about a barbecue grill? How about a barbecue grill? Or maybe fireplace tools.
Or maybe fireplace tools.
What do you think? What do you think? I think if you don't stop talking about I think if you don't stop talking about their goddamn house-warming gift, their goddamn house-warming gift, I'm gonna burn their fucking place down.
I'm gonna burn their fucking place down.
Another round.
What's your problem? Another round.
What's your problem? I have no problem.
I have no problem.
I am problem-less.
I am problem-less.
A problem-free zone.
A problem-free zone.
Then help me pick something out.
Then help me pick something out.
(Sighs) (Sighs) (Laughs humourlessly) A hands-free toilet.
(Laughs humourlessly) A hands-free toilet.
"It senses you are there and automatically flushes.
" "It senses you are there and automatically flushes.
" Yeah! Yeah! Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? No.
No.
Fine.
Fine.
(Tuts) Anyway.
(Tuts) Anyway.
You wouldn't understand.
You wouldn't understand.
I'll show you my SAT scores.
I'll show you my SAT scores.
You're too young.
You're too young.
Compared to who? Compared to who? 'Whom'.
You? 'Whom'.
You? That hot guy I followed into the back room the other night? That hot guy I followed into the back room the other night? What about him? What about him? When I went for his cock When I went for his cock (Laughs) Never mind.
(Laughs) Never mind.
Would you just say it? Would you just say it? My hand My hand Your hand Your hand What? What? (Scoffs) (Scoffs) If it's any comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh.
If it's any comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh.
Now help me out here.
We can't show up without a gift.
Now help me out here.
We can't show up without a gift.
I'm not going to their fucking party.
I'm not going to their fucking party.
Why not? Why not? Because I'm going to a FUCKING party.
Because I'm going to a FUCKING party.
GROANING AND YELLING GROANING AND YELLING Stop it! It hurts! Stop it! It hurts! Come on, Carl, take it like a man.
Come on, Carl, take it like a man.
(Groans and grunts) Jesus, you're killing me! (Groans and grunts) Jesus, you're killing me! What the hell's going on? What the hell's going on? Arggh! (Sighs in relief) Arggh! (Sighs in relief) Carl's letting me practise waxing his back for an upcoming segment.
Carl's letting me practise waxing his back for an upcoming segment.
Christ.
Christ.
I thought you were practising something else.
I thought you were practising something else.
OK, that's it.
II've had it.
OK, that's it.
II've had it.
You're only half-waxed.
You're only half-waxed.
Yeah, and if you go down any further, I'll be half-assed.
Yeah, and if you go down any further, I'll be half-assed.
How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a landing strip? How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a landing strip? Thanks, but I prefer to keep the entire airport.
Thanks, but I prefer to keep the entire airport.
You got a temperature? You got a temperature? No.
Damn it! No.
Damn it! What did the new doctor say? What did the new doctor say? He said I'm dying of perfect health.
He said I'm dying of perfect health.
Wise-ass.
Wise-ass.
Maybe this will bring down my fever.
Maybe this will bring down my fever.
You just said you don't have a fever.
You just said you don't have a fever.
That's what the thermometer said.
I know I'm burning up.
That's what the thermometer said.
I know I'm burning up.
Deb, do youthink I'm physically attractive? Deb, do youthink I'm physically attractive? You knowsexy? You knowsexy? Well Well Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you're queer as they come and you're queer as they come .
.
fuck, yeah.
.
.
fuck, yeah.
Good.
Good.
Because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy Because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy is because I'm non-threatening, sexless, aeunuch.
is because I'm non-threatening, sexless, aeunuch.
What the fuck's he know? What the fuck's he know? Actually, a lot.
Actually, a lot.
Yeah? Well, he's wrong.
Yeah? Well, he's wrong.
Hell, you have more sex than anyone I know.
Hell, you have more sex than anyone I know.
Except me, of course Except me, of course .
.
since Carl moved in.
.
.
since Carl moved in.
Let's face it, honey, Let's face it, honey, most viewers don't want to think about gays having sex.
most viewers don't want to think about gays having sex.
I mean, the thought of two guys kissing - I mean, the thought of two guys kissing - much less, umyou know, taking it up the ass - much less, umyou know, taking it up the ass - it just makes them uncomfortable.
it just makes them uncomfortable.
Brian said that too.
Brian said that too.
Well, you know something? Well, you know something? It's time they got over it.
It's time they got over it.
Mind spotting me? Mind spotting me? Sure.
Sure.
Don't I know you? Don't I know you? I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I'm Troy.
I'm Troy.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Hey, I know where I know you from.
Hey, I know where I know you from.
You do? You do? South Beach, right? South Beach, right? We hooked up.
We hooked up.
Nope.
Never been there.
Nope.
Never been there.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, would you like to? Well, would you like to? Go to South Beach? Go to South Beach? Hook up.
Hook up.
Sure.
Sure.
And in our research we've found And in our research we've found that once a woman reaches the age of 35, that once a woman reaches the age of 35, she's all but invisible to most men.
she's all but invisible to most men.
And you want to make them visible again.
And you want to make them visible again.
Or at least make them think that they can be.
Or at least make them think that they can be.
Our new anti-ageing cream offers hope, Our new anti-ageing cream offers hope, more confidence and a few less wrinkles.
more confidence and a few less wrinkles.
All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.
All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.
Um Sure I can come up with something.
Um Sure I can come up with something.
You men are so damn lucky you never have to worry about such things.
You men are so damn lucky you never have to worry about such things.
Don't be so sure.
Don't be so sure.
Visible.
Visible.
What? What? That's the name of your new product.
That's the name of your new product.
Visible? Mmm.
Visible? Mmm.
I like that.
I like that.
Visible.
Visible.
Hey, you came up with it.
Hey, you came up with it.
You just didn't know it.
You just didn't know it.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Mm-hm.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Mm-hm.
FUNKY MUSIC FUNKY MUSIC (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Aren't you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? Aren't you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? (Coos) Yes.
(Coos) Yes.
'Cause now Grandma can hold you 'Cause now Grandma can hold you without one of them thinking I'm a goddamn traitor.
without one of them thinking I'm a goddamn traitor.
(Cries) That's right.
Ohh.
(Cries) That's right.
Ohh.
Boy, you sure know how to sweet-talk a baby, Deb.
Boy, you sure know how to sweet-talk a baby, Deb.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
Yeah.
We'll see.
Yeah.
We'll see.
Hey, Kiki, where the fuck's my check? Hey, Kiki, where the fuck's my check? I already grew tits.
You want me to grow another hand? I already grew tits.
You want me to grow another hand? Boy, things aren't quite the same around here since you left.
Boy, things aren't quite the same around here since you left.
Boy, so I notice.
Boy, so I notice.
MAN: Excuse me.
Miss.
MAN 2: This is cold.
MAN: Excuse me.
Miss.
MAN 2: This is cold.
I don't know.
I don't know.
The way I've been feeling lately, I barely have the energy to crawl here.
The way I've been feeling lately, I barely have the energy to crawl here.
Have you been to see a Have you been to see a Five of them.
All claim to have degrees.
Five of them.
All claim to have degrees.
Not one of them says they can tell me what's wrong.
Not one of them says they can tell me what's wrong.
Hey, can we get a menu? Hey, can we get a menu? I asked for cream.
I asked for cream.
Where's my fucking lunch? Where's my fucking lunch? Your food is up.
Your food is up.
Ohh.
Ohh.
I'm a trannie on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I'm a trannie on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Sit down.
Calm your nerves.
Sit down.
Calm your nerves.
FUNKY MUSIC FUNKY MUSIC That's the fish and chips with slaw, the turkey burger with fries.
That's the fish and chips with slaw, the turkey burger with fries.
Here are your menus.
Specials are on the board.
Here are your menus.
Specials are on the board.
Two percent.
It's better for you than cream.
Two percent.
It's better for you than cream.
Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you.
Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you.
Yeah? Yeah? BFM.
BFM.
BFM? BFM? It sounds serious.
It sounds serious.
What is it? What is it? Bored out of your fucking mind.
Bored out of your fucking mind.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Listen up, straight boys.
Listen up, straight boys.
Take a tip from the Queer Guy.
Take a tip from the Queer Guy.
Wearing these will not get you where you wanna go.
Wearing these will not get you where you wanna go.
Comprenez-vous? Comprenez-vous? These, however, These, however, will definitely generate a little friction.
will definitely generate a little friction.
I know because they happen to be my very own pair.
I know because they happen to be my very own pair.
They set off your nice tight assets.
They set off your nice tight assets.
And notice the pouch in the crotch.
And notice the pouch in the crotch.
If you need a little help, you can stuff a sock or hamster in there.
If you need a little help, you can stuff a sock or hamster in there.
I certainly don't need the cavalry to come to my rescue.
I certainly don't need the cavalry to come to my rescue.
My cup is filled to the rim.
My cup is filled to the rim.
Which leads us to another topic.
Which leads us to another topic.
But not tonight.
But not tonight.
I'm the Queer Guy.
Be fabulous.
I'm the Queer Guy.
Be fabulous.
Thank you, Queer Guy, for that brief report.
Thank you, Queer Guy, for that brief report.
That's the news.
We'll be back at 11:00.
That's the news.
We'll be back at 11:00.
MAN: We're out.
MAN: We're out.
I thought you told me you were gonna talk about hair-waxing.
I thought you told me you were gonna talk about hair-waxing.
Well, yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy.
Well, yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy.
Sexy? Who wants sexy? Sexy? Who wants sexy? Don, you've only been married a few weeks Don, you've only been married a few weeks and already you can make a statement like that? and already you can make a statement like that? You may need counselling.
You may need counselling.
And you may need unemployment insurance.
And you may need unemployment insurance.
What? What? Don't ever show us your shorts again.
Don't ever show us your shorts again.
It's just underwear.
It's just underwear.
You don't have to air them in public.
You don't have to air them in public.
And no-one wants to know that you have a tight And no-one wants to know that you have a tight Ass? Ass? Or a big Dick? Or a big Dick? And that you Fuck? And that you Fuck? Well, here's a piece of news for you - I do.
Well, here's a piece of news for you - I do.
Well, from now on, stick to cooking and flowers Well, from now on, stick to cooking and flowers and turning straight guys into metrosexuals, and turning straight guys into metrosexuals, and leave your sex life offscreen.
and leave your sex life offscreen.
Get McGregor on the phone now.
Get McGregor on the phone now.
MAN: We could turn off the back light, yeah.
MAN: We could turn off the back light, yeah.
You can stay for at least an hour.
You can stay for at least an hour.
I told you, I'm making a special guest appearance I told you, I'm making a special guest appearance then I'm out of here.
then I'm out of here.
It's for Michael.
It's for Michael.
He should understand better than anyone.
He should understand better than anyone.
The first rule of going to a sex party is don't come late, The first rule of going to a sex party is don't come late, otherwise you may not come at all.
otherwise you may not come at all.
Well, that certainly gives new meaning to Well, that certainly gives new meaning to "the early bird catches the worm.
" "the early bird catches the worm.
" Hi.
I'm glad you could come.
Hi.
I'm glad you could come.
It's all I've been living for.
It's all I've been living for.
Happy house-warming.
Happy house-warming.
Is it a harness and paddle to go with the sling? Is it a harness and paddle to go with the sling? No.
I picked this one.
No.
I picked this one.
You guys have done a great job.
You guys have done a great job.
Oh, we're not through.
Oh, we're not through.
Trust me, you're never through.
Trust me, you're never through.
All it takes is time.
All it takes is time.
And money.
And money.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Yeah, tell me about it.
OK, say something for posterity.
OK, say something for posterity.
I'm fucking starving.
I'm fucking starving.
(All laugh) (All laugh) Oh.
Shit.
Oh.
Shit.
It's OK, Deb, I wanted something for posterity.
It's OK, Deb, I wanted something for posterity.
Um (Clears throat) Um (Clears throat) Posterity.
Posterity.
Now, let's see.
Now, let's see.
I'm very proud of you both I'm very proud of you both and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world in your beautiful new home.
in your beautiful new home.
How's that? How's that? Perfect.
Perfect.
It's amazing what the gays have done with this neighbourhood.
It's amazing what the gays have done with this neighbourhood.
It used to be whorehouses and bookie joints.
It used to be whorehouses and bookie joints.
I know.
I used to hang out here all the time.
I know.
I used to hang out here all the time.
Really? DOORBELL RINGS Really? DOORBELL RINGS When I was a beat cop.
When I was a beat cop.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Hi.
Come on in.
Hi.
Come on in.
Hey, honey bun.
Hey, honey bun.
Thanks for inviting me, Thanks for inviting me, even thoughI mean even thoughI mean We're still family, aren't we? We're still family, aren't we? Happy new house.
Happy new house.
Thanks.
Do you mind if I show her off? Thanks.
Do you mind if I show her off? Be my guest.
Be my guest.
Everyone, meet my beautiful daughter.
Everyone, meet my beautiful daughter.
ALL: Aww.
ALL: Aww.
Hi, baby.
Hi, baby.
Ah, look who it is.
Ah, look who it is.
First I'm gonna give him the fucking of his life First I'm gonna give him the fucking of his life and then I'm gonna give him the mindfucking of his life.
and then I'm gonna give him the mindfucking of his life.
I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fuck, I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fuck, "but tonight you're mine, you arrogant asshole.
" "but tonight you're mine, you arrogant asshole.
" (Laughs) Speaking of which (Laughs) Speaking of which Aren't you two aunties gonna go ooh and ahh over the baby? Aren't you two aunties gonna go ooh and ahh over the baby? Caught your underpants on the news the other night.
Caught your underpants on the news the other night.
You saving your dick for sweeps? You saving your dick for sweeps? My producer happened to think it was a terrific segment.
My producer happened to think it was a terrific segment.
Yeah, he said it was about time Yeah, he said it was about time we saw gay people as full sexualised human beings, we saw gay people as full sexualised human beings, not just stereotypic eunuchs and clowns.
not just stereotypic eunuchs and clowns.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Your daughter's a hit.
Your daughter's a hit.
Hmm.
I'd say so.
Hmm.
I'd say so.
I'm glad you came.
I'm glad you came.
Mmm For no other reason, I'm starving.
Mmm For no other reason, I'm starving.
Makes me think of our house-warming.
Makes me think of our house-warming.
Huh.
Huh.
If anyone needs proof that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces If anyone needs proof that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up? Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up? The bushes in the bushes.
The bushes in the bushes.
(Both laugh) (Both laugh) GLASSES CLINK GLASSES CLINK Everybody Could we have your attention? Everybody Could we have your attention? We'd just like to welcome all of you to our new home.
We'd just like to welcome all of you to our new home.
Beautiful new home.
Beautiful new home.
And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together.
And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together.
(All cheer) Hear, hear.
(All cheer) Hear, hear.
Happy family occasions.
Happy family occasions.
We also have another reason to celebrate tonight.
We also have another reason to celebrate tonight.
Rage and J.
T.
are getting married.
Rage and J.
T.
are getting married.
It's about time those two superheroes settled down.
It's about time those two superheroes settled down.
When do they start raising a superfamily? When do they start raising a superfamily? That's next.
That's next.
Got a copy for everyone.
Our little house-warming gift to you.
Got a copy for everyone.
Our little house-warming gift to you.
MAN: Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
Here you go, Brian.
Here you go, Brian.
Here you are.
Here you are.
Do you like it? Do you like it? It reminds me of this Norman Rockwell It reminds me of this Norman Rockwell I saw in the doctor's office when I was a kid.
I saw in the doctor's office when I was a kid.
A little girl and boy dressed as bride and groom A little girl and boy dressed as bride and groom and their adorable puppy tugging on the bridal gown.
and their adorable puppy tugging on the bridal gown.
Just then the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.
Just then the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.
And you've had an aversion to marriage ever since? And you've had an aversion to marriage ever since? Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story.
Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story.
Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values is no reason to dump on it.
is no reason to dump on it.
OK.
OK.
Let's get the whole family.
Let's get the whole family.
How do you work this thing? How do you work this thing? Good idea.
I'll get Jerry, you get Hunter.
Good idea.
I'll get Jerry, you get Hunter.
OK.
OK.
Hey, pal.
We're taking a video of the whole family.
Care to join us? Hey, pal.
We're taking a video of the whole family.
Care to join us? What do you want me for? What do you want me for? TECHNO MUSIC TECHNO MUSIC If a better offer comes along If a better offer comes along That'll be $5.
25.
That'll be $5.
25.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Another satisfied customer.
Another satisfied customer.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES DOOR OPENS, CLOSES You know, you say that every time you sell one.
You know, you say that every time you sell one.
I do? Well, it must be true.
I do? Well, it must be true.
We've sold 536 copies on the website and almost 200 here in the store.
We've sold 536 copies on the website and almost 200 here in the store.
Those are all we have left.
Those are all we have left.
Everybody loves that J.
T.
finally got his man.
Everybody loves that J.
T.
finally got his man.
Yeah.
Everyone but you know who.
Yeah.
Everyone but you know who.
Yeah, I do know who.
Yeah, I do know who.
Well? Well? Well, what did you expect? Well, what did you expect? What did I expect? What did I expect? That life might imitate art.
That life might imitate art.
I've heard it's been known to happen.
I've heard it's been known to happen.
Ah, how could I have been suckered in to my own fantasy? Ah, how could I have been suckered in to my own fantasy? Talk about pathetic.
Talk about pathetic.
Nobody on earth knows better than I do Nobody on earth knows better than I do that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap, that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap, that could never happen.
that could never happen.
Not a bad story.
Not a bad story.
Mm.
But that's all it is.
It's a story.
Mm.
But that's all it is.
It's a story.
DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Do you have the new issue of 'Rage'? Do you have the new issue of 'Rage'? This is totally awesome.
This is totally awesome.
Another satisfied customer.
Another satisfied customer.
(Groans) (Groans) Well, I think the house has been officially warmed, Well, I think the house has been officially warmed, wouldn't you say? wouldn't you say? Great party, huh? Great party, huh? Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, If you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party Brian leaving to go to a sex party and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face, pretending we're this happy family, pretending we're this happy family, having a good time.
having a good time.
We're not pretending.
We are.
We're not pretending.
We are.
You're gonna get through this.
You're gonna get through this.
I promise.
I promise.
Fuck your false hope.
Fuck your false hope.
The world's a stinking shit-hole.
The world's a stinking shit-hole.
Well, I don't think Sartre could have said it any better.
Well, I don't think Sartre could have said it any better.
Who? Who? Listen, I found a great charter school.
Listen, I found a great charter school.
They have a waiting list a mile long They have a waiting list a mile long but a professor in my department is on the board, but a professor in my department is on the board, so I pulled a few strings so I pulled a few strings Why even bother? Huh? Why even bother? Huh? They'll just find out there, too, They'll just find out there, too, and then it will start all over again.
and then it will start all over again.
So what's the point of my going to another fucking school?! So what's the point of my going to another fucking school?! (Sighs) (Sighs) I haven't been here since you left.
I haven't been here since you left.
Somehow, it's not the same.
Somehow, it's not the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Neither am I.
Neither am I.
Carl? Carl? Honey, I found out what's wrong with me.
Honey, I found out what's wrong with me.
I just want you to know I just want you to know .
.
that whatever it is .
.
that whatever it is (Sighs) (Sighs) .
.
I'm in this for the long haul.
.
.
I'm in this for the long haul.
I'll stand by you.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll stand by you.
I'm not going anywhere.
I know that, sweetheart.
That's why I love you.
I know that, sweetheart.
That's why I love you.
OK.
Tell me.
No, wait.
OK.
Tell me.
No, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
OK.
Tell me.
OK.
Tell me.
First of all, First of all, it's not a physical thing.
it's not a physical thing.
Oh! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! That's a relief.
That's a relief.
Then, what? Then, what? It's hard to explain.
It's hard to explain.
Ever since I left here, I've felt lost.
Ever since I left here, I've felt lost.
I've no place to go, I've no place to go, I got nothing to do but sit at home I got nothing to do but sit at home and buy lots of shit that I don't want off TV.
and buy lots of shit that I don't want off TV.
That's what a lady of leisure's supposed to do.
That's what a lady of leisure's supposed to do.
I mean, you know, relax, enjoy yourself I mean, you know, relax, enjoy yourself and be glad you don't have to work.
and be glad you don't have to work.
It's funny.
I never thought of it as work.
It's funny.
I never thought of it as work.
All those long, hard hours, on your feet All those long, hard hours, on your feet .
.
juggling plates.
.
.
juggling plates.
To me, it was more like a dance.
To me, it was more like a dance.
And I was the prima ballerina.
And I was the prima ballerina.
This is not exactly the, uh This is not exactly the, uh .
.
Royal Ballet of Pittsburgh.
.
.
Royal Ballet of Pittsburgh.
But it's my job.
But it's my job.
No, it's more than a job.
No, it's more than a job.
It's who I am.
It's who I am.
And I want it back.
And I want it back.
(Sighs) (Sighs) I-I was just I-I was just .
.
trying to make it easier onon you.
.
.
trying to make it easier onon you.
Butif this'll make you happy Butif this'll make you happy (Laughs) (Laughs) .
.
like I said, I'll stand by you.
.
.
like I said, I'll stand by you.
Uh, I'm not going anywhere.
Uh, I'm not going anywhere.
Thank you, Carl.
Thank you, Carl.
Now, you sure you're OK with this? Now, you sure you're OK with this? Good.
Good.
'Cause my shift started five minutes ago.
'Cause my shift started five minutes ago.
(Laughs) (Laughs) So So .
.
what'll it be? .
.
what'll it be? (Carl laughs) (Carl laughs) (Moans) (Grunts) (Moans) (Grunts) (Laughs) (Laughs) Ah! Ah! Whoo! Whoo! That was hot! That was hot! (Pants) (Pants) Think so? Think so? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Opens bin) (Opens bin) You know, I've been here before.
You know, I've been here before.
Oh? Oh? I mean, in this building.
I mean, in this building.
Fucked some poor loser.
Fucked some poor loser.
Yeah, well, the place is crawling with them.
Yeah, well, the place is crawling with them.
Believe me, I know.
Believe me, I know.
(Laughs) Hmm.
(Laughs) Hmm.
One of my pity fucks.
One of my pity fucks.
Yeah, speaking of pity fucks Yeah, speaking of pity fucks You know, You know, when we first hooked up at the gym, I wasn't sure.
when we first hooked up at the gym, I wasn't sure.
That I was your type? That I was your type? That you'd be sohot.
That you'd be sohot.
But, man, are you ever.
But, man, are you ever.
Look.
Look.
I'm still hard.
I'm still hard.
You up for another round? You up for another round? Actually, there's something I want to say to you.
Actually, there's something I want to say to you.
That you want to roll me over and fuck me again? That you want to roll me over and fuck me again? What I want to What I want to .
.
what I want to say toto you .
.
what I want to say toto you .
.
is, uh .
.
is, uh Roll over.
Roll over.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Michael, we can't force him to go to school.
Michael, we can't force him to go to school.
Of course we can.
We're his parents.
Hell, he's only 17.
Of course we can.
We're his parents.
Hell, he's only 17.
You can quit school when you're 16.
You can quit school when you're 16.
Besides, if we pressure him, we'll only push him away more.
Besides, if we pressure him, we'll only push him away more.
He's got to finish high school He's got to finish high school so he can go to college and become a doctor and a lawyer so he can go to college and become a doctor and a lawyer and President of the United States.
and President of the United States.
What was that for? What was that for? The eternal optimist.
That's why I love you.
The eternal optimist.
That's why I love you.
Now, let's just give him some time and some space Now, let's just give him some time and some space and, hopefully, he'll come to the right decision.
and, hopefully, he'll come to the right decision.
Oh.
Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner.
Oh.
Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner.
But just 'cause I said we're having sloppy joes But just 'cause I said we're having sloppy joes doesn't mean we're gonna go camping.
doesn't mean we're gonna go camping.
Going somewhere? Yeah.
Going somewhere? Yeah.
Well, uh, eat first and don't be out too late.
Well, uh, eat first and don't be out too late.
I mean, I'm leaving.
I mean, I'm leaving.
For good.
For good.
What do you mean you're What do you mean you're I can't stay here anymore, OK? I can't stay here anymore, OK? No.
It's not OK.
No.
It's not OK.
Now, put your things away Now, put your things away and sit down and eat and sit down and eat and, afterwards, we'll discuss this.
and, afterwards, we'll discuss this.
We've already discussed it.
There's nothing left to say.
We've already discussed it.
There's nothing left to say.
Well, I said you're not going anywhere and that's final.
Well, I said you're not going anywhere and that's final.
Hey, Michael! Michael.
What? He can't just leave! Hey, Michael! Michael.
What? He can't just leave! We're his parents, for Christ's sake, whether he likes it or not.
We're his parents, for Christ's sake, whether he likes it or not.
We're his legal guardians.
What we say goes.
We're his legal guardians.
What we say goes.
Hunter, nothing's gonna be solved by running away.
Hunter, nothing's gonna be solved by running away.
I don't belong here! I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong here! I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong at that school! I don't belong at that school! And I don't belong with you! Of course you belong with us.
And I don't belong with you! Of course you belong with us.
I'll only go on causing you problems.
Embarrassing you.
I'll only go on causing you problems.
Embarrassing you.
You don't embarrass us.
We're proud of you.
You don't embarrass us.
We're proud of you.
This is not the debate team.
This is not the debate team.
There's no argument here except There's no argument here except .
.
do you want apple sauce or canned peaches? .
.
do you want apple sauce or canned peaches? Hunter! Hunter! I don't care if I have to lock you in your fucking room! I don't care if I have to lock you in your fucking room! Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
Do you have any money? Do you have any money? What you and Michael gave me for my birthday.
What you and Michael gave me for my birthday.
No plan, no money - perfect.
How do you intend to support yourself? No plan, no money - perfect.
How do you intend to support yourself? I'll think of something.
I bet you will.
I'll think of something.
I bet you will.
Hey Hey If you need more, call us.
If you need more, call us.
What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Hunter, wait.
Hunter, wait.
Just put it in your shoe or some place safe.
Just put it in your shoe or some place safe.
DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES Hot or not? Hot or not? It's hot.
It's hot.
Now, that's what I call resounding approval.
Now, that's what I call resounding approval.
By the way, we sold out every last copy of the marriage issue.
By the way, we sold out every last copy of the marriage issue.
And we got orders for over 300 more.
And we got orders for over 300 more.
Well, if not having any balls Well, if not having any balls is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days, is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days, I'd warn Rage to get the hell out of Gayopolis.
I'd warn Rage to get the hell out of Gayopolis.
You know, if you didn't stay out all night, fucking, You know, if you didn't stay out all night, fucking, maybe you wouldn't be so cranky.
maybe you wouldn't be so cranky.
Who said I was fucking? Who said I was fucking? You?! I'm sure there must have been someone.
You?! I'm sure there must have been someone.
Yeah.
And somebody else got him.
Yeah.
And somebody else got him.
Finally, some competition.
Finally, some competition.
I don't think you get it.
I don't think you get it.
What, that someone rejected you? What, that someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone.
Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone.
One little gesture.
One little gesture.
Easily overlooked.
Easily overlooked.
(Groans) (Groans) But the meaning is clear.
It's started.
But the meaning is clear.
It's started.
It's begun.
It's begun.
COATHANGERS CLATTER COATHANGERS CLATTER Ah! (Clears throat) Ah! (Clears throat) How about this one? How about this one? (Sighs) (Sighs) You know, when I was in L.
A.
, fucking around, it was fun and all.
You know, when I was in L.
A.
, fucking around, it was fun and all.
But when I came back here But when I came back here and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer .
.
I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple.
.
.
I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple.
Like Michael and Ben.
Like Michael and Ben.
One day we might have the things they have.
One day we might have the things they have.
A house.
A house.
Maybe even a family.
Maybe even a family.
How's this? How's this? "Hot.
" "Hot.
" 'GOING NOWHERE' BY CUT COPY PLAYS 'GOING NOWHERE' BY CUT COPY PLAYS
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# HARD INDUSTRIAL DANCE MUSIC THROBS HARD INDUSTRIAL DANCE MUSIC THROBS You fucked him? Wednesday.
You fucked him? Wednesday.
And the hot Latino? Thursday.
And the hot Latino? Thursday.
Well, 'ole', Teddy.
You are out of control! Well, 'ole', Teddy.
You are out of control! Good evening, twats.
Good evening, twats.
Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, since they represent half my fanbase? since they represent half my fanbase? Have any hermaphrodites? Have any hermaphrodites? I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Good.
Go fuck yourself.
Good.
Go fuck yourself.
Anybody here worth doing? Anybody here worth doing? No, sorry, Bri.
Already done 'em.
No, sorry, Bri.
Already done 'em.
Oh, we were up to Friday.
Oh, we were up to Friday.
Oh, there's Friday.
Oh, there's Friday.
Over there.
The bossy bottom over there.
Over there.
The bossy bottom over there.
He's a bottom?! He's a bottom?! Yeah.
You should hear him sing 'Natural Woman'.
Yeah.
You should hear him sing 'Natural Woman'.
Better than Aretha, I might add.
Better than Aretha, I might add.
You gotta gag 'em first, then fuck 'em! You gotta gag 'em first, then fuck 'em! You still have much to learn, dear boy.
You still have much to learn, dear boy.
Oh, my God, who's that? Oh, my God, who's that? DANCE MUSIC RISES DANCE MUSIC RISES TED: I don't know, but I believe I have Sunday free TED: I don't know, but I believe I have Sunday free Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.
Count on staying home and trimming your pubes.
I'll let him have this one.
I'll let him have this one.
SONG: # I feel sexy SONG: # I feel sexy # If you like it # If you like it # Don't just stand there, there, there, there, there # Don't just stand there, there, there, there, there # Just stand there, there, there, there, there # # Just stand there, there, there, there, there # BEN: Wow, Rage and J.
T.
are finally tying the knot! BEN: Wow, Rage and J.
T.
are finally tying the knot! It's about time, wouldn't you say? It's about time, wouldn't you say? Did they go to Toronto? Did they go to Toronto? No, Massachupiter.
It's a planet.
No, Massachupiter.
It's a planet.
Unlike Pennsylvania, it's legal for gays to get married there.
Unlike Pennsylvania, it's legal for gays to get married there.
Aha! So where do we buy our rocket ship tickets and zoom off? Aha! So where do we buy our rocket ship tickets and zoom off? Huh.
I wish.
(Chuckles) Huh.
I wish.
(Chuckles) Well, until we can, Well, until we can, we'll just live vicariously through our intrepid superheroes.
we'll just live vicariously through our intrepid superheroes.
Well, let's hope that 5,000 readers - Well, let's hope that 5,000 readers - no, what the hell, make it 10 - agree with you.
no, what the hell, make it 10 - agree with you.
I'll get these out of your way.
I'll get these out of your way.
You coming to our house-warming? You coming to our house-warming? I wouldn't miss it! I wouldn't miss it! It's gonna be a bad-ass blow-out.
It's gonna be a bad-ass blow-out.
What do you say we start early? What do you say we start early? Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
(Both moan happily) (Both moan happily) (Moans warningly) (Moans warningly) Here he is! Here he is! Our wayward son.
Our wayward son.
Cool cover! Where you been? Cool cover! Where you been? I thought you were gonna be home by 6:00.
I thought you were gonna be home by 6:00.
I was practising with my debating partner.
I was practising with my debating partner.
Whenever I used to tell my parents that, I was usually getting stoned.
Whenever I used to tell my parents that, I was usually getting stoned.
When's the big event? When's the big event? Uh, tomorrow afternoon.
Uh, tomorrow afternoon.
It's in front of the whole school.
It's in front of the whole school.
What's the topic? Capital punishment.
What's the topic? Capital punishment.
I'm all for it.
I say fry the motherfuckers.
I'm all for it.
I say fry the motherfuckers.
Now you see why we're so proud.
(Laughs) Now you see why we're so proud.
(Laughs) Now, what I'm about to show you may frighten small children, Now, what I'm about to show you may frighten small children, so parents may want them to leave the room.
so parents may want them to leave the room.
Scary, huh? Scary, huh? It's what I call the comb OVER It's what I call the comb OVER .
.
like Wally's, here.
.
.
like Wally's, here.
But see how much hotter Wally looks But see how much hotter Wally looks when he embraces his baldness? when he embraces his baldness? Why, Wallace Why, Wallace .
.
is that a hickey?! .
.
is that a hickey?! Go for it, tiger! Grr! Go for it, tiger! Grr! Alright, those are my hairdos and don'ts.
Alright, those are my hairdos and don'ts.
Next week, I'm waxing - Next week, I'm waxing - and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor! and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor! OK, everybody.
OK, everybody.
Be fabulous! Be fabulous! Thanks, Queer Guy.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks, Queer Guy.
That's it for tonight.
Hopefully, we'll be 'hair' tomorrow.
Hopefully, we'll be 'hair' tomorrow.
May all your news be good news.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS May all your news be good news.
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS MAN: We're out.
MAN: We're out.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
That was fabulous! Yeah! That was fabulous! Yeah! See, you've even got me doing it.
Sorry, Don.
See, you've even got me doing it.
Sorry, Don.
Sorry? Since you've been on the air, the ratings have gone up two points! Sorry? Since you've been on the air, the ratings have gone up two points! Now everybody wants the queer perspective.
Now everybody wants the queer perspective.
Channel 9 has even hired a trannie weatheruh, person.
Channel 9 has even hired a trannie weatheruh, person.
Well, let's just hope heshe Well, let's just hope heshe can decide if it's gonna be rainy or fair! can decide if it's gonna be rainy or fair! Either way, your fans are gonna be lined up around the block Either way, your fans are gonna be lined up around the block to see you tomorrow at Hoffman's! to see you tomorrow at Hoffman's! So many in need, so little time.
So many in need, so little time.
And wait till you read your And wait till you read your .
.
fan mail.
.
.
fan mail.
Fan mail? For me? Fan mail? For me? Even people who hate fags love you.
Even people who hate fags love you.
CARL: Here you go, hon.
CARL: Here you go, hon.
(Groans) Oh, thank you, Carl, but (Groans) Oh, thank you, Carl, but .
.
honestly, I don't think I could keep it down.
.
.
honestly, I don't think I could keep it down.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Are you still hurtin'? Mm-hm.
Are you still hurtin'? Mm-hm.
Poor baby.
Poor baby.
Did you take what Dr McGrath prescribed? Did you take what Dr McGrath prescribed? That quack?! That quack?! He had me splitting corn to be served with orange sauce.
He had me splitting corn to be served with orange sauce.
I mean, there are all these new diseases.
I mean, there are all these new diseases.
You know, damn doctors can't keep up with it.
You know, damn doctors can't keep up with it.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What if it's mad cow, or that bird flu? What if it's mad cow, or that bird flu? Come to think of it, a pigeon shit on my shoulder the other day - Come to think of it, a pigeon shit on my shoulder the other day - I gotta remember to tell that to the new doctor.
I gotta remember to tell that to the new doctor.
New doctor? New doctor? I'm getting a second opinion.
I'm getting a second opinion.
Actually, it's more like a fourth.
Actually, it's more like a fourth.
OK, that's it.
OK, that's it.
Who you calling? The station.
Who you calling? The station.
I'm gonna take you.
Carl, please, no! I'm gonna take you.
Carl, please, no! It'll just make it worse, alright? It'll just make it worse, alright? Thinking that I'm keeping you from work.
Thinking that I'm keeping you from work.
(Sighs) (Sighs) You go solve a murder or two.
You go solve a murder or two.
(Tuts) I wish I could solve this (Tuts) I wish I could solve this (Gasps) Gently! Gently.
(Gasps) Gently! Gently.
OK, promise you'll call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says.
OK, promise you'll call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says.
I promise.
I promise.
Oh! (Groans) Oh! (Groans) It's OK, honey.
It's OK, honey.
(Blows a kiss) (Blows a kiss) I'll be at Hoffman's department store today from 1:00 to 3:00 I'll be at Hoffman's department store today from 1:00 to 3:00 signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous.
signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous.
Be sure and stop by! Be sure and stop by! Oh, Teddy, I feel as if I finally found my calling, Oh, Teddy, I feel as if I finally found my calling, that God has appointed me from above to do his work below.
that God has appointed me from above to do his work below.
Saint Emmett! Saint Emmett! Patron saint of the fashion-impoverished, Patron saint of the fashion-impoverished, the style-deprived.
the style-deprived.
You laugh, but there is something almost holy You laugh, but there is something almost holy about saving the thousands of walking disasters in this town.
about saving the thousands of walking disasters in this town.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Of which he is definitely not one.
Of which he is definitely not one.
Can you believe that guy? Can you believe that guy? Walked right by, didn't even recognise me.
Walked right by, didn't even recognise me.
But I recognise him.
But I recognise him.
Is he someone? Is he someone? Oh, he's someone alright.
Oh, he's someone alright.
Pride, 2002.
Pride, 2002.
We had amazing sex We had amazing sex .
.
at least, I thought so.
.
.
at least, I thought so.
Then, the next day, Then, the next day, I met him at Woody's.
I met him at Woody's.
He told me once a year he finds some loser guy He told me once a year he finds some loser guy Like you.
And I give him a break.
Like you.
And I give him a break.
I give himI give him me, I give himI give him me, the fuck of his life.
the fuck of his life.
You know, something he can remember, You know, something he can remember, much like a souvenir.
much like a souvenir.
It's my way of giving back to the community.
It's my way of giving back to the community.
Teddy, that was aeons ago! Teddy, that was aeons ago! Look at you now - Look at you now - thin, gorgeous, guys falling all over you.
thin, gorgeous, guys falling all over you.
It was the single most humiliating experience of my life.
It was the single most humiliating experience of my life.
Everybody called me Everybody called me .
.
Aunt Pityfuck.
.
.
Aunt Pityfuck.
Well, as painful as it may have been, Well, as painful as it may have been, you just have to let it go.
you just have to let it go.
Or get even.
Or get even.
I'm not gonna make him nervous! I'm not gonna make him nervous! I'll sit in the back, he won't even know I'm there.
I'll sit in the back, he won't even know I'm there.
I just wanna see him in action.
I just wanna see him in action.
We'll stop by the store afterwards.
I'll take you both to dinner.
We'll stop by the store afterwards.
I'll take you both to dinner.
Love.
Love.
(Mutters) Oh, God.
(Mutters) Oh, God.
Callie? Callie? It's Ben.
It's Ben.
Mr Bruckner! I know - Hunter's dad.
Mr Bruckner! I know - Hunter's dad.
I came to watch him debate.
I came to watch him debate.
Which way is the auditorium? Uh Which way is the auditorium? Uh As you go in, it's on the right.
As you go in, it's on the right.
Ah.
Ah.
(Laughs) (Laughs) But I don't think there's a debate.
But I don't think there's a debate.
They've got a chorus practice.
They've got a chorus practice.
(Laughs) Are you sure? (Laughs) Are you sure? Is Hunter OK? Is Hunter OK? He hasn't been in school all week.
He hasn't been in school all week.
Oh, he's fine.
I guess I must have misunderstood him.
Oh, he's fine.
I guess I must have misunderstood him.
This pink striped shirt will look fab under this jacket, This pink striped shirt will look fab under this jacket, andoh, oh, oh! andoh, oh, oh! And see how this tie really makes it pop? And see how this tie really makes it pop? Frankly, I don't care what clothes Irwin wears.
Frankly, I don't care what clothes Irwin wears.
He took your advice from the other night and shaved his head, He took your advice from the other night and shaved his head, you know, he embraced his baldness.
you know, he embraced his baldness.
Now I barely let him out of the bedroom! Now I barely let him out of the bedroom! I can't tell you how much it warms my heart I can't tell you how much it warms my heart to know I'm keeping heteros horny! to know I'm keeping heteros horny! (All laugh) OK.
(All laugh) OK.
Alright, be back in five! It's tinkle time! Alright, be back in five! It's tinkle time! (All chuckle) WOMAN: 'Bye! (All chuckle) WOMAN: 'Bye! You are a superstar! Oh, shh.
You are a superstar! Oh, shh.
Look at this crowd! Look at this crowd! Yeah, second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers Stadium.
Yeah, second only to when the Stones played Three Rivers Stadium.
Brian! Brian! I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Wellneeded socks.
Wellneeded socks.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's as proud of you as we are.
Don't pay any attention to him.
He's as proud of you as we are.
Aren't you? (Laughs) Aren't you? (Laughs) Yeah, it's an honour to count among our close personal friends Yeah, it's an honour to count among our close personal friends television's latest gay eunuch.
television's latest gay eunuch.
Excuse me? Excuse me? You know, as in non-sexual, non-threatening You know, as in non-sexual, non-threatening Ball-less.
Ball-less.
You do homage to a long and illustrious line You do homage to a long and illustrious line of lovable, laughable clowns who've come before you.
of lovable, laughable clowns who've come before you.
Why, just look at all these people! Why, just look at all these people! They're my fans.
They're my fans.
They adore me.
They adore me.
Because you're so cute! Because you're so cute! But do you think they'd still adore you But do you think they'd still adore you if they knew you took it up the ass and liked it? if they knew you took it up the ass and liked it? Like I said, Brian - Like I said, Brian - I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
I can't tell you what it means that you'd show up to support me.
Any time.
Any time.
I just love you.
You're so cute! I just love you.
You're so cute! Thank you.
Thank you.
Ma'am, step back, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ma'am, step back, please.
He's been lying to us? He's been lying to us? I'm sure there's a reason.
I'm sure there's a reason.
I didn't say a good reason.
I didn't say a good reason.
But I thought he trusted us, that, you know, But I thought he trusted us, that, you know, he told us everything! he told us everything! Did you tell your mother everything when you were 17? Did you tell your mother everything when you were 17? I didn't have to.
There were hidden monitors in every room.
I didn't have to.
There were hidden monitors in every room.
She had a homing device implanted in my brain soon after birth - She had a homing device implanted in my brain soon after birth - it's the only explanation how she automatically knew.
it's the only explanation how she automatically knew.
Herehere he comes.
Herehere he comes.
Now, let's try not to let our emotions run amok.
Now, let's try not to let our emotions run amok.
That's easy for you to say - That's easy for you to say - you come from a long line of repressed alcoholics.
you come from a long line of repressed alcoholics.
(Scoffs) (Scoffs) Sorry I'm late.
I was in debate club.
Sorry I'm late.
I was in debate club.
This week's topic is 'Secrets and lies'? This week's topic is 'Secrets and lies'? We know you haven't been in school all week.
We know you haven't been in school all week.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES DOOR OPENS, CLOSES Better.
Better.
Would you just leave me the fuck alone? Would you just leave me the fuck alone? I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
I told you, I don't want to talk about it.
We have to talk about it.
We wanna help you.
We have to talk about it.
We wanna help you.
You can't help me.
Nobody can help me.
It's too late.
You can't help me.
Nobody can help me.
It's too late.
It's never too late.
It's never too late.
I know it's been a tough few weeks I know it's been a tough few weeks Try years.
Try years.
OK.
OK, but there's gotta be a solution.
OK.
OK, but there's gotta be a solution.
I can't go back to that school.
I can't go back to that school.
Everybody just stares at me like I'm a piece of shit, Everybody just stares at me like I'm a piece of shit, and when they do, that's how I feel.
and when they do, that's how I feel.
You're not a piece of shit! You're not a piece of shit! You're a brave, smart, funny, wonderful person.
You're a brave, smart, funny, wonderful person.
And you're our son! And we love you! And you're our son! And we love you! And you don't have to lie to us.
We know what you're going through.
And you don't have to lie to us.
We know what you're going through.
You have no idea.
You have no idea.
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR SLAMS FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR SLAMS How about a barbecue grill? How about a barbecue grill? Or maybe fireplace tools.
Or maybe fireplace tools.
What do you think? What do you think? I think if you don't stop talking about I think if you don't stop talking about their goddamn house-warming gift, their goddamn house-warming gift, I'm gonna burn their fucking place down.
I'm gonna burn their fucking place down.
Another round.
What's your problem? Another round.
What's your problem? I have no problem.
I have no problem.
I am problem-less.
I am problem-less.
A problem-free zone.
A problem-free zone.
Then help me pick something out.
Then help me pick something out.
(Sighs) (Sighs) (Laughs humourlessly) A hands-free toilet.
(Laughs humourlessly) A hands-free toilet.
"It senses you are there and automatically flushes.
" "It senses you are there and automatically flushes.
" Yeah! Yeah! Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? Are you gonna tell me what's wrong? No.
No.
Fine.
Fine.
(Tuts) Anyway.
(Tuts) Anyway.
You wouldn't understand.
You wouldn't understand.
I'll show you my SAT scores.
I'll show you my SAT scores.
You're too young.
You're too young.
Compared to who? Compared to who? 'Whom'.
You? 'Whom'.
You? That hot guy I followed into the back room the other night? That hot guy I followed into the back room the other night? What about him? What about him? When I went for his cock When I went for his cock (Laughs) Never mind.
(Laughs) Never mind.
Would you just say it? Would you just say it? My hand My hand Your hand Your hand What? What? (Scoffs) (Scoffs) If it's any comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh.
If it's any comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh.
Now help me out here.
We can't show up without a gift.
Now help me out here.
We can't show up without a gift.
I'm not going to their fucking party.
I'm not going to their fucking party.
Why not? Why not? Because I'm going to a FUCKING party.
Because I'm going to a FUCKING party.
GROANING AND YELLING GROANING AND YELLING Stop it! It hurts! Stop it! It hurts! Come on, Carl, take it like a man.
Come on, Carl, take it like a man.
(Groans and grunts) Jesus, you're killing me! (Groans and grunts) Jesus, you're killing me! What the hell's going on? What the hell's going on? Arggh! (Sighs in relief) Arggh! (Sighs in relief) Carl's letting me practise waxing his back for an upcoming segment.
Carl's letting me practise waxing his back for an upcoming segment.
Christ.
Christ.
I thought you were practising something else.
I thought you were practising something else.
OK, that's it.
II've had it.
OK, that's it.
II've had it.
You're only half-waxed.
You're only half-waxed.
Yeah, and if you go down any further, I'll be half-assed.
Yeah, and if you go down any further, I'll be half-assed.
How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a landing strip? How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a landing strip? Thanks, but I prefer to keep the entire airport.
Thanks, but I prefer to keep the entire airport.
You got a temperature? You got a temperature? No.
Damn it! No.
Damn it! What did the new doctor say? What did the new doctor say? He said I'm dying of perfect health.
He said I'm dying of perfect health.
Wise-ass.
Wise-ass.
Maybe this will bring down my fever.
Maybe this will bring down my fever.
You just said you don't have a fever.
You just said you don't have a fever.
That's what the thermometer said.
I know I'm burning up.
That's what the thermometer said.
I know I'm burning up.
Deb, do youthink I'm physically attractive? Deb, do youthink I'm physically attractive? You knowsexy? You knowsexy? Well Well Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you're queer as they come and you're queer as they come .
.
fuck, yeah.
.
.
fuck, yeah.
Good.
Good.
Because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy Because Brian said the only reason people like the Queer Guy is because I'm non-threatening, sexless, aeunuch.
is because I'm non-threatening, sexless, aeunuch.
What the fuck's he know? What the fuck's he know? Actually, a lot.
Actually, a lot.
Yeah? Well, he's wrong.
Yeah? Well, he's wrong.
Hell, you have more sex than anyone I know.
Hell, you have more sex than anyone I know.
Except me, of course Except me, of course .
.
since Carl moved in.
.
.
since Carl moved in.
Let's face it, honey, Let's face it, honey, most viewers don't want to think about gays having sex.
most viewers don't want to think about gays having sex.
I mean, the thought of two guys kissing - I mean, the thought of two guys kissing - much less, umyou know, taking it up the ass - much less, umyou know, taking it up the ass - it just makes them uncomfortable.
it just makes them uncomfortable.
Brian said that too.
Brian said that too.
Well, you know something? Well, you know something? It's time they got over it.
It's time they got over it.
Mind spotting me? Mind spotting me? Sure.
Sure.
Don't I know you? Don't I know you? I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I'm Troy.
I'm Troy.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Hey, I know where I know you from.
Hey, I know where I know you from.
You do? You do? South Beach, right? South Beach, right? We hooked up.
We hooked up.
Nope.
Never been there.
Nope.
Never been there.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, would you like to? Well, would you like to? Go to South Beach? Go to South Beach? Hook up.
Hook up.
Sure.
Sure.
And in our research we've found And in our research we've found that once a woman reaches the age of 35, that once a woman reaches the age of 35, she's all but invisible to most men.
she's all but invisible to most men.
And you want to make them visible again.
And you want to make them visible again.
Or at least make them think that they can be.
Or at least make them think that they can be.
Our new anti-ageing cream offers hope, Our new anti-ageing cream offers hope, more confidence and a few less wrinkles.
more confidence and a few less wrinkles.
All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.
All we need is a brilliant campaign and a perfect product name.
Um Sure I can come up with something.
Um Sure I can come up with something.
You men are so damn lucky you never have to worry about such things.
You men are so damn lucky you never have to worry about such things.
Don't be so sure.
Don't be so sure.
Visible.
Visible.
What? What? That's the name of your new product.
That's the name of your new product.
Visible? Mmm.
Visible? Mmm.
I like that.
I like that.
Visible.
Visible.
Hey, you came up with it.
Hey, you came up with it.
You just didn't know it.
You just didn't know it.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Mm-hm.
Would you excuse me for a minute? Mm-hm.
FUNKY MUSIC FUNKY MUSIC (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Aren't you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? Aren't you glad your asshole parents worked through their shit? (Coos) Yes.
(Coos) Yes.
'Cause now Grandma can hold you 'Cause now Grandma can hold you without one of them thinking I'm a goddamn traitor.
without one of them thinking I'm a goddamn traitor.
(Cries) That's right.
Ohh.
(Cries) That's right.
Ohh.
Boy, you sure know how to sweet-talk a baby, Deb.
Boy, you sure know how to sweet-talk a baby, Deb.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
Yeah.
We'll see.
Yeah.
We'll see.
Hey, Kiki, where the fuck's my check? Hey, Kiki, where the fuck's my check? I already grew tits.
You want me to grow another hand? I already grew tits.
You want me to grow another hand? Boy, things aren't quite the same around here since you left.
Boy, things aren't quite the same around here since you left.
Boy, so I notice.
Boy, so I notice.
MAN: Excuse me.
Miss.
MAN 2: This is cold.
MAN: Excuse me.
Miss.
MAN 2: This is cold.
I don't know.
I don't know.
The way I've been feeling lately, I barely have the energy to crawl here.
The way I've been feeling lately, I barely have the energy to crawl here.
Have you been to see a Have you been to see a Five of them.
All claim to have degrees.
Five of them.
All claim to have degrees.
Not one of them says they can tell me what's wrong.
Not one of them says they can tell me what's wrong.
Hey, can we get a menu? Hey, can we get a menu? I asked for cream.
I asked for cream.
Where's my fucking lunch? Where's my fucking lunch? Your food is up.
Your food is up.
Ohh.
Ohh.
I'm a trannie on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I'm a trannie on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Sit down.
Calm your nerves.
Sit down.
Calm your nerves.
FUNKY MUSIC FUNKY MUSIC That's the fish and chips with slaw, the turkey burger with fries.
That's the fish and chips with slaw, the turkey burger with fries.
Here are your menus.
Specials are on the board.
Here are your menus.
Specials are on the board.
Two percent.
It's better for you than cream.
Two percent.
It's better for you than cream.
Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you.
Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you.
Yeah? Yeah? BFM.
BFM.
BFM? BFM? It sounds serious.
It sounds serious.
What is it? What is it? Bored out of your fucking mind.
Bored out of your fucking mind.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Listen up, straight boys.
Listen up, straight boys.
Take a tip from the Queer Guy.
Take a tip from the Queer Guy.
Wearing these will not get you where you wanna go.
Wearing these will not get you where you wanna go.
Comprenez-vous? Comprenez-vous? These, however, These, however, will definitely generate a little friction.
will definitely generate a little friction.
I know because they happen to be my very own pair.
I know because they happen to be my very own pair.
They set off your nice tight assets.
They set off your nice tight assets.
And notice the pouch in the crotch.
And notice the pouch in the crotch.
If you need a little help, you can stuff a sock or hamster in there.
If you need a little help, you can stuff a sock or hamster in there.
I certainly don't need the cavalry to come to my rescue.
I certainly don't need the cavalry to come to my rescue.
My cup is filled to the rim.
My cup is filled to the rim.
Which leads us to another topic.
Which leads us to another topic.
But not tonight.
But not tonight.
I'm the Queer Guy.
Be fabulous.
I'm the Queer Guy.
Be fabulous.
Thank you, Queer Guy, for that brief report.
Thank you, Queer Guy, for that brief report.
That's the news.
We'll be back at 11:00.
That's the news.
We'll be back at 11:00.
MAN: We're out.
MAN: We're out.
I thought you told me you were gonna talk about hair-waxing.
I thought you told me you were gonna talk about hair-waxing.
Well, yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy.
Well, yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy.
Sexy? Who wants sexy? Sexy? Who wants sexy? Don, you've only been married a few weeks Don, you've only been married a few weeks and already you can make a statement like that? and already you can make a statement like that? You may need counselling.
You may need counselling.
And you may need unemployment insurance.
And you may need unemployment insurance.
What? What? Don't ever show us your shorts again.
Don't ever show us your shorts again.
It's just underwear.
It's just underwear.
You don't have to air them in public.
You don't have to air them in public.
And no-one wants to know that you have a tight And no-one wants to know that you have a tight Ass? Ass? Or a big Dick? Or a big Dick? And that you Fuck? And that you Fuck? Well, here's a piece of news for you - I do.
Well, here's a piece of news for you - I do.
Well, from now on, stick to cooking and flowers Well, from now on, stick to cooking and flowers and turning straight guys into metrosexuals, and turning straight guys into metrosexuals, and leave your sex life offscreen.
and leave your sex life offscreen.
Get McGregor on the phone now.
Get McGregor on the phone now.
MAN: We could turn off the back light, yeah.
MAN: We could turn off the back light, yeah.
You can stay for at least an hour.
You can stay for at least an hour.
I told you, I'm making a special guest appearance I told you, I'm making a special guest appearance then I'm out of here.
then I'm out of here.
It's for Michael.
It's for Michael.
He should understand better than anyone.
He should understand better than anyone.
The first rule of going to a sex party is don't come late, The first rule of going to a sex party is don't come late, otherwise you may not come at all.
otherwise you may not come at all.
Well, that certainly gives new meaning to Well, that certainly gives new meaning to "the early bird catches the worm.
" "the early bird catches the worm.
" Hi.
I'm glad you could come.
Hi.
I'm glad you could come.
It's all I've been living for.
It's all I've been living for.
Happy house-warming.
Happy house-warming.
Is it a harness and paddle to go with the sling? Is it a harness and paddle to go with the sling? No.
I picked this one.
No.
I picked this one.
You guys have done a great job.
You guys have done a great job.
Oh, we're not through.
Oh, we're not through.
Trust me, you're never through.
Trust me, you're never through.
All it takes is time.
All it takes is time.
And money.
And money.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Yeah, tell me about it.
OK, say something for posterity.
OK, say something for posterity.
I'm fucking starving.
I'm fucking starving.
(All laugh) (All laugh) Oh.
Shit.
Oh.
Shit.
It's OK, Deb, I wanted something for posterity.
It's OK, Deb, I wanted something for posterity.
Um (Clears throat) Um (Clears throat) Posterity.
Posterity.
Now, let's see.
Now, let's see.
I'm very proud of you both I'm very proud of you both and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world and I wish you all the health and happiness in the world in your beautiful new home.
in your beautiful new home.
How's that? How's that? Perfect.
Perfect.
It's amazing what the gays have done with this neighbourhood.
It's amazing what the gays have done with this neighbourhood.
It used to be whorehouses and bookie joints.
It used to be whorehouses and bookie joints.
I know.
I used to hang out here all the time.
I know.
I used to hang out here all the time.
Really? DOORBELL RINGS Really? DOORBELL RINGS When I was a beat cop.
When I was a beat cop.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Hi.
Come on in.
Hi.
Come on in.
Hey, honey bun.
Hey, honey bun.
Thanks for inviting me, Thanks for inviting me, even thoughI mean even thoughI mean We're still family, aren't we? We're still family, aren't we? Happy new house.
Happy new house.
Thanks.
Do you mind if I show her off? Thanks.
Do you mind if I show her off? Be my guest.
Be my guest.
Everyone, meet my beautiful daughter.
Everyone, meet my beautiful daughter.
ALL: Aww.
ALL: Aww.
Hi, baby.
Hi, baby.
Ah, look who it is.
Ah, look who it is.
First I'm gonna give him the fucking of his life First I'm gonna give him the fucking of his life and then I'm gonna give him the mindfucking of his life.
and then I'm gonna give him the mindfucking of his life.
I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fuck, I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fuck, "but tonight you're mine, you arrogant asshole.
" "but tonight you're mine, you arrogant asshole.
" (Laughs) Speaking of which (Laughs) Speaking of which Aren't you two aunties gonna go ooh and ahh over the baby? Aren't you two aunties gonna go ooh and ahh over the baby? Caught your underpants on the news the other night.
Caught your underpants on the news the other night.
You saving your dick for sweeps? You saving your dick for sweeps? My producer happened to think it was a terrific segment.
My producer happened to think it was a terrific segment.
Yeah, he said it was about time Yeah, he said it was about time we saw gay people as full sexualised human beings, we saw gay people as full sexualised human beings, not just stereotypic eunuchs and clowns.
not just stereotypic eunuchs and clowns.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Your daughter's a hit.
Your daughter's a hit.
Hmm.
I'd say so.
Hmm.
I'd say so.
I'm glad you came.
I'm glad you came.
Mmm For no other reason, I'm starving.
Mmm For no other reason, I'm starving.
Makes me think of our house-warming.
Makes me think of our house-warming.
Huh.
Huh.
If anyone needs proof that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces If anyone needs proof that toilets are controlled by cosmic forces Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up? Why else would they break down 10 minutes before the guests showed up? The bushes in the bushes.
The bushes in the bushes.
(Both laugh) (Both laugh) GLASSES CLINK GLASSES CLINK Everybody Could we have your attention? Everybody Could we have your attention? We'd just like to welcome all of you to our new home.
We'd just like to welcome all of you to our new home.
Beautiful new home.
Beautiful new home.
And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together.
And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together.
(All cheer) Hear, hear.
(All cheer) Hear, hear.
Happy family occasions.
Happy family occasions.
We also have another reason to celebrate tonight.
We also have another reason to celebrate tonight.
Rage and J.
T.
are getting married.
Rage and J.
T.
are getting married.
It's about time those two superheroes settled down.
It's about time those two superheroes settled down.
When do they start raising a superfamily? When do they start raising a superfamily? That's next.
That's next.
Got a copy for everyone.
Our little house-warming gift to you.
Got a copy for everyone.
Our little house-warming gift to you.
MAN: Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
Here you go, Brian.
Here you go, Brian.
Here you are.
Here you are.
Do you like it? Do you like it? It reminds me of this Norman Rockwell It reminds me of this Norman Rockwell I saw in the doctor's office when I was a kid.
I saw in the doctor's office when I was a kid.
A little girl and boy dressed as bride and groom A little girl and boy dressed as bride and groom and their adorable puppy tugging on the bridal gown.
and their adorable puppy tugging on the bridal gown.
Just then the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.
Just then the nurse came in and stabbed me in the finger for blood.
And you've had an aversion to marriage ever since? And you've had an aversion to marriage ever since? Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story.
Well, I happen to think it's a damn good story.
Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values Just because it doesn't agree with your anti-family values is no reason to dump on it.
is no reason to dump on it.
OK.
OK.
Let's get the whole family.
Let's get the whole family.
How do you work this thing? How do you work this thing? Good idea.
I'll get Jerry, you get Hunter.
Good idea.
I'll get Jerry, you get Hunter.
OK.
OK.
Hey, pal.
We're taking a video of the whole family.
Care to join us? Hey, pal.
We're taking a video of the whole family.
Care to join us? What do you want me for? What do you want me for? TECHNO MUSIC TECHNO MUSIC If a better offer comes along If a better offer comes along That'll be $5.
25.
That'll be $5.
25.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Another satisfied customer.
Another satisfied customer.
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES DOOR OPENS, CLOSES You know, you say that every time you sell one.
You know, you say that every time you sell one.
I do? Well, it must be true.
I do? Well, it must be true.
We've sold 536 copies on the website and almost 200 here in the store.
We've sold 536 copies on the website and almost 200 here in the store.
Those are all we have left.
Those are all we have left.
Everybody loves that J.
T.
finally got his man.
Everybody loves that J.
T.
finally got his man.
Yeah.
Everyone but you know who.
Yeah.
Everyone but you know who.
Yeah, I do know who.
Yeah, I do know who.
Well? Well? Well, what did you expect? Well, what did you expect? What did I expect? What did I expect? That life might imitate art.
That life might imitate art.
I've heard it's been known to happen.
I've heard it's been known to happen.
Ah, how could I have been suckered in to my own fantasy? Ah, how could I have been suckered in to my own fantasy? Talk about pathetic.
Talk about pathetic.
Nobody on earth knows better than I do Nobody on earth knows better than I do that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap, that unless he were genetically altered by some nuclear mishap, that could never happen.
that could never happen.
Not a bad story.
Not a bad story.
Mm.
But that's all it is.
It's a story.
Mm.
But that's all it is.
It's a story.
DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Do you have the new issue of 'Rage'? Do you have the new issue of 'Rage'? This is totally awesome.
This is totally awesome.
Another satisfied customer.
Another satisfied customer.
(Groans) (Groans) Well, I think the house has been officially warmed, Well, I think the house has been officially warmed, wouldn't you say? wouldn't you say? Great party, huh? Great party, huh? Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, If you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party Brian leaving to go to a sex party and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face, pretending we're this happy family, pretending we're this happy family, having a good time.
having a good time.
We're not pretending.
We are.
We're not pretending.
We are.
You're gonna get through this.
You're gonna get through this.
I promise.
I promise.
Fuck your false hope.
Fuck your false hope.
The world's a stinking shit-hole.
The world's a stinking shit-hole.
Well, I don't think Sartre could have said it any better.
Well, I don't think Sartre could have said it any better.
Who? Who? Listen, I found a great charter school.
Listen, I found a great charter school.
They have a waiting list a mile long They have a waiting list a mile long but a professor in my department is on the board, but a professor in my department is on the board, so I pulled a few strings so I pulled a few strings Why even bother? Huh? Why even bother? Huh? They'll just find out there, too, They'll just find out there, too, and then it will start all over again.
and then it will start all over again.
So what's the point of my going to another fucking school?! So what's the point of my going to another fucking school?! (Sighs) (Sighs) I haven't been here since you left.
I haven't been here since you left.
Somehow, it's not the same.
Somehow, it's not the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Neither am I.
Neither am I.
Carl? Carl? Honey, I found out what's wrong with me.
Honey, I found out what's wrong with me.
I just want you to know I just want you to know .
.
that whatever it is .
.
that whatever it is (Sighs) (Sighs) .
.
I'm in this for the long haul.
.
.
I'm in this for the long haul.
I'll stand by you.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll stand by you.
I'm not going anywhere.
I know that, sweetheart.
That's why I love you.
I know that, sweetheart.
That's why I love you.
OK.
Tell me.
No, wait.
OK.
Tell me.
No, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
OK.
Tell me.
OK.
Tell me.
First of all, First of all, it's not a physical thing.
it's not a physical thing.
Oh! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! That's a relief.
That's a relief.
Then, what? Then, what? It's hard to explain.
It's hard to explain.
Ever since I left here, I've felt lost.
Ever since I left here, I've felt lost.
I've no place to go, I've no place to go, I got nothing to do but sit at home I got nothing to do but sit at home and buy lots of shit that I don't want off TV.
and buy lots of shit that I don't want off TV.
That's what a lady of leisure's supposed to do.
That's what a lady of leisure's supposed to do.
I mean, you know, relax, enjoy yourself I mean, you know, relax, enjoy yourself and be glad you don't have to work.
and be glad you don't have to work.
It's funny.
I never thought of it as work.
It's funny.
I never thought of it as work.
All those long, hard hours, on your feet All those long, hard hours, on your feet .
.
juggling plates.
.
.
juggling plates.
To me, it was more like a dance.
To me, it was more like a dance.
And I was the prima ballerina.
And I was the prima ballerina.
This is not exactly the, uh This is not exactly the, uh .
.
Royal Ballet of Pittsburgh.
.
.
Royal Ballet of Pittsburgh.
But it's my job.
But it's my job.
No, it's more than a job.
No, it's more than a job.
It's who I am.
It's who I am.
And I want it back.
And I want it back.
(Sighs) (Sighs) I-I was just I-I was just .
.
trying to make it easier onon you.
.
.
trying to make it easier onon you.
Butif this'll make you happy Butif this'll make you happy (Laughs) (Laughs) .
.
like I said, I'll stand by you.
.
.
like I said, I'll stand by you.
Uh, I'm not going anywhere.
Uh, I'm not going anywhere.
Thank you, Carl.
Thank you, Carl.
Now, you sure you're OK with this? Now, you sure you're OK with this? Good.
Good.
'Cause my shift started five minutes ago.
'Cause my shift started five minutes ago.
(Laughs) (Laughs) So So .
.
what'll it be? .
.
what'll it be? (Carl laughs) (Carl laughs) (Moans) (Grunts) (Moans) (Grunts) (Laughs) (Laughs) Ah! Ah! Whoo! Whoo! That was hot! That was hot! (Pants) (Pants) Think so? Think so? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Opens bin) (Opens bin) You know, I've been here before.
You know, I've been here before.
Oh? Oh? I mean, in this building.
I mean, in this building.
Fucked some poor loser.
Fucked some poor loser.
Yeah, well, the place is crawling with them.
Yeah, well, the place is crawling with them.
Believe me, I know.
Believe me, I know.
(Laughs) Hmm.
(Laughs) Hmm.
One of my pity fucks.
One of my pity fucks.
Yeah, speaking of pity fucks Yeah, speaking of pity fucks You know, You know, when we first hooked up at the gym, I wasn't sure.
when we first hooked up at the gym, I wasn't sure.
That I was your type? That I was your type? That you'd be sohot.
That you'd be sohot.
But, man, are you ever.
But, man, are you ever.
Look.
Look.
I'm still hard.
I'm still hard.
You up for another round? You up for another round? Actually, there's something I want to say to you.
Actually, there's something I want to say to you.
That you want to roll me over and fuck me again? That you want to roll me over and fuck me again? What I want to What I want to .
.
what I want to say toto you .
.
what I want to say toto you .
.
is, uh .
.
is, uh Roll over.
Roll over.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Michael, we can't force him to go to school.
Michael, we can't force him to go to school.
Of course we can.
We're his parents.
Hell, he's only 17.
Of course we can.
We're his parents.
Hell, he's only 17.
You can quit school when you're 16.
You can quit school when you're 16.
Besides, if we pressure him, we'll only push him away more.
Besides, if we pressure him, we'll only push him away more.
He's got to finish high school He's got to finish high school so he can go to college and become a doctor and a lawyer so he can go to college and become a doctor and a lawyer and President of the United States.
and President of the United States.
What was that for? What was that for? The eternal optimist.
That's why I love you.
The eternal optimist.
That's why I love you.
Now, let's just give him some time and some space Now, let's just give him some time and some space and, hopefully, he'll come to the right decision.
and, hopefully, he'll come to the right decision.
Oh.
Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner.
Oh.
Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner.
But just 'cause I said we're having sloppy joes But just 'cause I said we're having sloppy joes doesn't mean we're gonna go camping.
doesn't mean we're gonna go camping.
Going somewhere? Yeah.
Going somewhere? Yeah.
Well, uh, eat first and don't be out too late.
Well, uh, eat first and don't be out too late.
I mean, I'm leaving.
I mean, I'm leaving.
For good.
For good.
What do you mean you're What do you mean you're I can't stay here anymore, OK? I can't stay here anymore, OK? No.
It's not OK.
No.
It's not OK.
Now, put your things away Now, put your things away and sit down and eat and sit down and eat and, afterwards, we'll discuss this.
and, afterwards, we'll discuss this.
We've already discussed it.
There's nothing left to say.
We've already discussed it.
There's nothing left to say.
Well, I said you're not going anywhere and that's final.
Well, I said you're not going anywhere and that's final.
Hey, Michael! Michael.
What? He can't just leave! Hey, Michael! Michael.
What? He can't just leave! We're his parents, for Christ's sake, whether he likes it or not.
We're his parents, for Christ's sake, whether he likes it or not.
We're his legal guardians.
What we say goes.
We're his legal guardians.
What we say goes.
Hunter, nothing's gonna be solved by running away.
Hunter, nothing's gonna be solved by running away.
I don't belong here! I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong here! I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong at that school! I don't belong at that school! And I don't belong with you! Of course you belong with us.
And I don't belong with you! Of course you belong with us.
I'll only go on causing you problems.
Embarrassing you.
I'll only go on causing you problems.
Embarrassing you.
You don't embarrass us.
We're proud of you.
You don't embarrass us.
We're proud of you.
This is not the debate team.
This is not the debate team.
There's no argument here except There's no argument here except .
.
do you want apple sauce or canned peaches? .
.
do you want apple sauce or canned peaches? Hunter! Hunter! I don't care if I have to lock you in your fucking room! I don't care if I have to lock you in your fucking room! Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
Do you have any money? Do you have any money? What you and Michael gave me for my birthday.
What you and Michael gave me for my birthday.
No plan, no money - perfect.
How do you intend to support yourself? No plan, no money - perfect.
How do you intend to support yourself? I'll think of something.
I bet you will.
I'll think of something.
I bet you will.
Hey Hey If you need more, call us.
If you need more, call us.
What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Hunter, wait.
Hunter, wait.
Just put it in your shoe or some place safe.
Just put it in your shoe or some place safe.
DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES Hot or not? Hot or not? It's hot.
It's hot.
Now, that's what I call resounding approval.
Now, that's what I call resounding approval.
By the way, we sold out every last copy of the marriage issue.
By the way, we sold out every last copy of the marriage issue.
And we got orders for over 300 more.
And we got orders for over 300 more.
Well, if not having any balls Well, if not having any balls is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days, is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days, I'd warn Rage to get the hell out of Gayopolis.
I'd warn Rage to get the hell out of Gayopolis.
You know, if you didn't stay out all night, fucking, You know, if you didn't stay out all night, fucking, maybe you wouldn't be so cranky.
maybe you wouldn't be so cranky.
Who said I was fucking? Who said I was fucking? You?! I'm sure there must have been someone.
You?! I'm sure there must have been someone.
Yeah.
And somebody else got him.
Yeah.
And somebody else got him.
Finally, some competition.
Finally, some competition.
I don't think you get it.
I don't think you get it.
What, that someone rejected you? What, that someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone.
Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone.
One little gesture.
One little gesture.
Easily overlooked.
Easily overlooked.
(Groans) (Groans) But the meaning is clear.
It's started.
But the meaning is clear.
It's started.
It's begun.
It's begun.
COATHANGERS CLATTER COATHANGERS CLATTER Ah! (Clears throat) Ah! (Clears throat) How about this one? How about this one? (Sighs) (Sighs) You know, when I was in L.
A.
, fucking around, it was fun and all.
You know, when I was in L.
A.
, fucking around, it was fun and all.
But when I came back here But when I came back here and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer and you said the offer still stands and to put my stuff in the drawer .
.
I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple.
.
.
I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple.
Like Michael and Ben.
Like Michael and Ben.
One day we might have the things they have.
One day we might have the things they have.
A house.
A house.
Maybe even a family.
Maybe even a family.
How's this? How's this? "Hot.
" "Hot.
" 'GOING NOWHERE' BY CUT COPY PLAYS 'GOING NOWHERE' BY CUT COPY PLAYS