Queer as Folk s05e09 Episode Script
Anything in Common
SONG: # Cue the pulse to begin SONG: # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin.
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# (Men grunt with exertion) CUTLERY CLATTERS (Men grunt with exertion) CUTLERY CLATTERS (Both grunt with exertion) (Both grunt with exertion) Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Yeahyeah, come here.
Yeah.
Yeahyeah, come here.
Yeah.
(Grunts with exertion) (Grunts with exertion) Yeah.
Oh, that feel Yeah.
Oh, that feel That feel good, baby? That feel good, baby? Yeah.
That's it.
Right there.
Don't stop.
Yeah.
That's it.
Right there.
Don't stop.
DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Right there.
Don't stop.
Justdon't stop.
Right there.
Don't stop.
Justdon't stop.
Just Arggh! Just Arggh! Keep going.
I'm coming.
Arggh! Yeah! Keep going.
I'm coming.
Arggh! Yeah! Oh! Oh, fuck! DOORBELL RINGS IMPATIENTLY Oh! Oh, fuck! DOORBELL RINGS IMPATIENTLY OhI'm coming.
OhI'm coming.
(Yells to the door) I'm coming! (Yells to the door) I'm coming! That's it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Come on! That's it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Come on! OhohOH! OhohOH! Hello, sir.
Hello, sir.
I'm Charlotte and this is Amanda, I'm Charlotte and this is Amanda, and we're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
and we're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
Are you aware of it? Yes, I'm aware of it.
Are you aware of it? Yes, I'm aware of it.
Good, then we needn't tell you how important it these days Good, then we needn't tell you how important it these days to protect the holy bonds of matrimony and the American family.
to protect the holy bonds of matrimony and the American family.
Isn't that the God's honest truth? Isn't that the God's honest truth? Are you married? I most certainly am.
Are you married? I most certainly am.
In that case, we would love to speak with you and your wife.
In that case, we would love to speak with you and your wife.
Honey, there are some very sweet ladies here Honey, there are some very sweet ladies here urging us to support Proposition 14.
urging us to support Proposition 14.
Do you have children? A son and a daughter.
Do you have children? A son and a daughter.
Oh, that's wonderful.
(Laughs) Oh, that's wonderful.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Good afternoon, ladies.
(Laughs) Good afternoon, ladies.
This is my lawfully wedded husband.
This is my lawfully wedded husband.
And this is MY lawfully wedded husband.
And this is MY lawfully wedded husband.
And we are going to do everything in our power And we are going to do everything in our power to defeat Proposition 14.
to defeat Proposition 14.
I see.
(Clears throat) OK.
I see.
(Clears throat) OK.
Well.
Good afternoon, then.
Well.
Good afternoon, then.
Hey, thanks for stopping by.
We'll be sure to vote.
Hey, thanks for stopping by.
We'll be sure to vote.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
I caught that.
I caught that.
Caught what? Caught what? That subtle exchange of smiles that can indicate only one thing.
That subtle exchange of smiles that can indicate only one thing.
"Is your ass is as sore as mine?" "Is your ass is as sore as mine?" BRIAN: Fucking Christ, Theodore, BRIAN: Fucking Christ, Theodore, is there anyone in this burg you haven't boned is there anyone in this burg you haven't boned since your extreme makeover? since your extreme makeover? Well, let's just say that if they don't get a fresh supply in soon, Well, let's just say that if they don't get a fresh supply in soon, I'll be forced to move to Philadelphia.
I'll be forced to move to Philadelphia.
You know, I always used to wonder what it would be like You know, I always used to wonder what it would be like to have any guy I wanted - now I know.
to have any guy I wanted - now I know.
And? And? And, it's, umgreat.
And, it's, umgreat.
Hey, look who it is! Michael! Hey, look who it is! Michael! Hey, Teddy.
Hey, Teddy.
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetie.
Well, if you boys will excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Well, if you boys will excuse me, I have to get back to work.
YeahI've got to get back to the store.
YeahI've got to get back to the store.
Busy day? Busy day? Yeah, this comic book collection that I bought off eBay just arrived.
Yeah, this comic book collection that I bought off eBay just arrived.
It's going to take me weeks to inspect and grade them.
It's going to take me weeks to inspect and grade them.
Well, better have something to eat.
What'll it be? Well, better have something to eat.
What'll it be? I think I'll have I think I'll have Are you and Brian ever going to talk to each other again? Are you and Brian ever going to talk to each other again? Ma Michael! Ma Michael! You've been friends - brothers - since you were kids.
You've been friends - brothers - since you were kids.
You love each other.
You love each other.
You're going to let a lifetime of fucking history go down the drain You're going to let a lifetime of fucking history go down the drain 'cause of some childish disagreement? 'cause of some childish disagreement? And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
It's not childish, and it's not just a disagreement.
It's not childish, and it's not just a disagreement.
He disrespects every choice I have made.
He disrespects every choice I have made.
He mocks me for wanting a family and home.
He mocks me for wanting a family and home.
He calls me a defector.
He calls me a defector.
He even blames me for his and Justin's break-up.
He even blames me for his and Justin's break-up.
He says I infected him.
He says I infected him.
Well, he can think whatever he wants and call me whatever he pleases.
Well, he can think whatever he wants and call me whatever he pleases.
It really doesn't matter anymore.
It really doesn't matter anymore.
I'll have the tuna fish on whole-wheat with a lemon bar.
I'll have the tuna fish on whole-wheat with a lemon bar.
Hold the remarks.
Hold the remarks.
We're going door-to-door today to try and get people to listen.
We're going door-to-door today to try and get people to listen.
A lot of them may not want to, A lot of them may not want to, so don't be discouraged if you get doors slammed in your face.
so don't be discouraged if you get doors slammed in your face.
Just be courteous, make your point succinctly, Just be courteous, make your point succinctly, and whatever you do, do not engage.
and whatever you do, do not engage.
That means don't lose your fucking temper and shoot off your big mouth.
That means don't lose your fucking temper and shoot off your big mouth.
CHUCKLING Hehexactly.
Good luck.
CHUCKLING Hehexactly.
Good luck.
Ready? Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
I hope they don't come out swinging - I hope they don't come out swinging - not with the fortune I just spent on my face.
not with the fortune I just spent on my face.
What a lovely face it is too.
You must get lots of compliments.
What a lovely face it is too.
You must get lots of compliments.
I've been getting more than that.
(Chuckles lasciviously) I've been getting more than that.
(Chuckles lasciviously) To tell you the truth something's missing.
To tell you the truth something's missing.
Love? Commitment? Love? Commitment? Yeah, something like that.
What you need is a husband.
Yeah, something like that.
What you need is a husband.
Yeah! (Scoffs) First I need a boyfriend.
Yeah! (Scoffs) First I need a boyfriend.
But that won't be easy.
But that won't be easy.
My standards are ridiculously high.
My standards are ridiculously high.
I want someone who's financially secure, with a face like Brad Pitt, I want someone who's financially secure, with a face like Brad Pitt, a body like Brad Pitt, and hung like a body like Brad Pitt, and hung like .
.
well, just hung.
.
.
well, just hung.
That's not so ridiculous.
It's absurd.
That's not so ridiculous.
It's absurd.
Listen, if you really want to get hitched, you need a Jewish guy.
Listen, if you really want to get hitched, you need a Jewish guy.
They make the best marriage material.
They make the best marriage material.
They do? Yeah.
They do? Yeah.
Provided you can get past the incestuous relationship Provided you can get past the incestuous relationship they have with their mothers that lasts beyond the grave.
they have with their mothers that lasts beyond the grave.
Good afternoon, sir.
We're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
Good afternoon, sir.
We're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
We'll only take a minute of your time.
We'll only take a minute of your time.
Or less.
Or less.
Well.
Well.
It may not be easy, but at least it gets you out of the house.
It may not be easy, but at least it gets you out of the house.
That's what Michael said.
That's what Michael said.
Keeping busy would take my mind off Hunter.
Keeping busy would take my mind off Hunter.
So far it hasn't helped.
Give it time.
So far it hasn't helped.
Give it time.
How much time? A lifetime? How much time? A lifetime? 'Cause that's how long it'll take for me to forget about him.
'Cause that's how long it'll take for me to forget about him.
Oh, hi.
What can I do for you folks? Oh, hi.
What can I do for you folks? We'd like to talk to you about Proposition 14.
We'd like to talk to you about Proposition 14.
It's very important that you vote no.
It's very important that you vote no.
Oh, why is that, son? Oh, why is that, son? If it passes, gay men and women will lose the same rights If it passes, gay men and women will lose the same rights that other Americans have.
that other Americans have.
And who's to say what's next? And who's to say what's next? The elderly could lose their social security.
The elderly could lose their social security.
Women could lose their right to have an abortion.
Women could lose their right to have an abortion.
I see your point.
You've got my vote.
I see your point.
You've got my vote.
WOMAN: Dad, who's at the door? WOMAN: Dad, who's at the door? Hello.
Hello.
We were just talking to your father about voting no for Proposition 14.
We were just talking to your father about voting no for Proposition 14.
My father hasn't voted in 10 years.
My father hasn't voted in 10 years.
He has Alzheimer's.
He has Alzheimer's.
Come on, Dad.
Come on, Dad.
Trust me, Jim.
Trust me, Jim.
Look, why don't we have lunch tomorrow? Look, why don't we have lunch tomorrow? I'll ply you with martinis I'll ply you with martinis and I guarantee you will see things my way.
and I guarantee you will see things my way.
Oh.
Oh.
Feldon's losing his hard-on for the new Home Station ad.
Feldon's losing his hard-on for the new Home Station ad.
Well, you have to admit, it's a bit suggestive.
Well, you have to admit, it's a bit suggestive.
You also have to admit it's genius.
You also have to admit it's genius.
Listen, how about coming with me to Beth Emanuel's mixer? Listen, how about coming with me to Beth Emanuel's mixer? Who's she? Who's she? It's a temple.
It's a temple.
They're having their monthly gay get-together at Woody's, They're having their monthly gay get-together at Woody's, and I want to meet a mensch.
and I want to meet a mensch.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Christ! Christ! Am I the only fag who doesn't want to put a trousseau together Am I the only fag who doesn't want to put a trousseau together and walk down the aisle? and walk down the aisle? Listen, I'm not getting any younger.
Listen, I'm not getting any younger.
I'll be 35 this I'll be 35 this What? What? Uh Uh I'm your employer.
I'm your employer.
There's a paper trail.
There's a paper trail.
Why don't you ask Justin? Why don't you ask Justin? Rumour has it he's hot for a hubby.
Rumour has it he's hot for a hubby.
Just thought I'd ask.
Just thought I'd ask.
There are many uncertainties in this life, Theodore, There are many uncertainties in this life, Theodore, manymysteries beyond our comprehension.
manymysteries beyond our comprehension.
But one thing I know for a fact - But one thing I know for a fact - I will never be Mrs Seymour Goldfarb.
I will never be Mrs Seymour Goldfarb.
I wish we'd been able to convince more people.
I wish we'd been able to convince more people.
Well, the important thing is we keep on trying, huh? Well, the important thing is we keep on trying, huh? Ohuh Ohuh Am I late? Am I late? No.
We just got here ourselves.
No.
We just got here ourselves.
Who's he? Who's he? We'll talk later.
Wha? We'll talk later.
Wha? Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Keep up the good work, honey! Keep up the good work, honey! Have you seen a letter signed by Judge Salzman? Have you seen a letter signed by Judge Salzman? Hmm Hmm I wonder how it got into my pile.
I wonder how it got into my pile.
Beats me.
Beats me.
You didn't happen to see an invoice You didn't happen to see an invoice from the Resnick Gallery in New York, did you? from the Resnick Gallery in New York, did you? Oh.
It's right here.
Oh.
It's right here.
Must've gotten mixed up with my stuff by mistake.
Must've gotten mixed up with my stuff by mistake.
What's this? What's this? Oh, that's a piece Justin has in the art show.
Oh, that's a piece Justin has in the art show.
Wait till you see it.
Wait till you see it.
You are coming to the opening, aren't you? You are coming to the opening, aren't you? Actually, I'm supposed to go out with, uh Actually, I'm supposed to go out with, uh Corinne.
Corinne.
Mel, you don't have to hide it.
Mel, you don't have to hide it.
That's our arrangement - you have your life, I have mine.
That's our arrangement - you have your life, I have mine.
I know, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's your show.
I know, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's your show.
That's right, it's my show, and I'm inviting you.
That's right, it's my show, and I'm inviting you.
And Corinne.
And Corinne.
Are you sure? I'm fine with it.
Really.
Are you sure? I'm fine with it.
Really.
(Sighs) Now, what have I done with Untitled I and II? (Sighs) Now, what have I done with Untitled I and II? It's right here under Newcombe v.
Budge.
It's right here under Newcombe v.
Budge.
DOG BARKS, EXCITED HUBBUB DOG BARKS, EXCITED HUBBUB What do you think? What do you think? Oh, a giraffe! Isn't that cute, huh? Oh, a giraffe! Isn't that cute, huh? It's a swan.
It's a swan.
Oh.
I can see thatkinda.
Oh.
I can see thatkinda.
It's for my next segment.
They want something cute.
It's for my next segment.
They want something cute.
There are a couple of reporters camped out the front.
There are a couple of reporters camped out the front.
Shit! Shit! Look at this - they took an old photograph of me Look at this - they took an old photograph of me and made it look like I'm in Babylon.
and made it look like I'm in Babylon.
I've never even been to Babylon.
I've never even been to Babylon.
You know, last week they put poor Liza's head You know, last week they put poor Liza's head on the body of a 400lb woman.
on the body of a 400lb woman.
They said she was too fat to get out of bed.
They said she was too fat to get out of bed.
You can't let that trash get to you.
You can't let that trash get to you.
Besides, it'll all stop once you come out.
Besides, it'll all stop once you come out.
You're going to come out? You're going to come out? When?! Huh? When, honey? When?! Huh? When, honey? I haven't decided yet.
I haven't decided yet.
Well, I say Larry King.
Well, I say Larry King.
I mean, if it was me, I'd definitely come out to Larry.
I mean, if it was me, I'd definitely come out to Larry.
I mean, you know, of course, I mean, you know, of course, however you decide to do it, it has to be your way.
however you decide to do it, it has to be your way.
Yeah, Deb's right - you got to do it on your own terms.
Yeah, Deb's right - you got to do it on your own terms.
Oh.
You got some sauce on your chin, baby.
Oh.
You got some sauce on your chin, baby.
That was my swan.
That was my swan.
It was a giraffe, honey.
(Chuckles) Try again.
It was a giraffe, honey.
(Chuckles) Try again.
You know, I've got one hell of a nerve.
You know, I've got one hell of a nerve.
I'm sitting here like some fucking eunuch, I'm sitting here like some fucking eunuch, making animals out of napkins making animals out of napkins to delight the guests at your next dinner party, to delight the guests at your next dinner party, and I'm telling YOU how to be out and proud.
and I'm telling YOU how to be out and proud.
It's a funny story how we met.
(Laughs) It's a funny story how we met.
(Laughs) I'm always up for a laugh.
I'm always up for a laugh.
Well, I-I was dropping Molly off at school, Well, I-I was dropping Molly off at school, when, wouldn't you know, I get a flat.
when, wouldn't you know, I get a flat.
Just then, this motorcycle comes roaring up Just then, this motorcycle comes roaring up and this guy dressed all in black asks me if I want help.
and this guy dressed all in black asks me if I want help.
Well, I had taken that night class in car maintenance Well, I had taken that night class in car maintenance after your father left, after your father left, but II was on my way to an open house.
but II was on my way to an open house.
I didn't want to show up looking like agrease monkey (Laughs) I didn't want to show up looking like agrease monkey (Laughs) .
.
so I said yes, and it turned out to be Tuck.
.
.
so I said yes, and it turned out to be Tuck.
'Tuck'? It's short for 'Tucker'.
'Tuck'? It's short for 'Tucker'.
He teaches eighth-grade science at Molly's school.
(Chuckles) He teaches eighth-grade science at Molly's school.
(Chuckles) Wow.
My sides are splitting.
Wow.
My sides are splitting.
Sowe got to chatting.
Sowe got to chatting.
He asked me if I wanted to go out some night for a coffee He asked me if I wanted to go out some night for a coffee Coffee? Aren't his parents afraid it might stunt his growth? Coffee? Aren't his parents afraid it might stunt his growth? Do you want to hear this or not? Do you want to hear this or not? (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Well, I figured, what the hell? Well, I figured, what the hell? It beats sitting at home, reading 'How to Survive a Divorce', It beats sitting at home, reading 'How to Survive a Divorce', so I said yes.
so I said yes.
Andthe rest is history.
Andthe rest is history.
For him, modern.
For you, ancient.
For him, modern.
For you, ancient.
I take it you don't approve.
I take it you don't approve.
I suppose a woman of your age is allowed to have a little fling I suppose a woman of your age is allowed to have a little fling .
.
provided it's discreet.
.
.
provided it's discreet.
Well, actually, it's it's more than a little fling.
Well, actually, it's it's more than a little fling.
We've been seeing each other for six months.
We've been seeing each other for six months.
For six months? And you never said anything? For six months? And you never said anything? What was the point until I was sure it was serious? What was the point until I was sure it was serious? Serious? Serious? You are NOT serious.
He's one-third your age.
You are NOT serious.
He's one-third your age.
Half.
Fine.
Half.
He's half your age.
Half.
Fine.
Half.
He's half your age.
He's still young enough to be your s He's still young enough to be your s I don't even want to say it.
I don't even want to say it.
And I don't want to hear it.
And I don't want to hear it.
Especially from you.
Especially from you.
JAZZ PLAYS JAZZ PLAYS KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR You alone? You alone? One of those rare unexpected moments.
One of those rare unexpected moments.
Ah.
Ah.
So muchfor the moment.
So muchfor the moment.
That Thelonious? That Thelonious? That, ertuna macaroni casserole? That, ertuna macaroni casserole? You got it.
You got it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Tuna casserole means that we're going to get stoned Tuna casserole means that we're going to get stoned and have a very meaningful conversation.
and have a very meaningful conversation.
Unfortunately, I just finished my last joint.
Unfortunately, I just finished my last joint.
Well, fortunately (Chuckles) Well, fortunately (Chuckles) .
.
I brought one with me.
.
.
I brought one with me.
Does Detective Horvath know that his blushing bride is a pothead? Does Detective Horvath know that his blushing bride is a pothead? Nothing kills a good relationship faster than full disclosure.
Nothing kills a good relationship faster than full disclosure.
Give me some of that.
Give me some of that.
I don't like the way you've been treating Michael.
I don't like the way you've been treating Michael.
Butt the fuck out.
Butt the fuck out.
You've been on his case You've been on his case ever since he and Ben bought that house together.
ever since he and Ben bought that house together.
He didn't just buy a house.
He didn't just buy a house.
He bought the slicer and the dicer He bought the slicer and the dicer .
.
the Ginsu knives, the abs roller, the juicer.
.
.
the Ginsu knives, the abs roller, the juicer.
The 'Top 100 Hits of the '60s' - not available at any store.
The 'Top 100 Hits of the '60s' - not available at any store.
In short, every lie, every con In short, every lie, every con .
.
everycolour, shape and size of bullshit .
.
everycolour, shape and size of bullshit the straight world has to offer.
the straight world has to offer.
He fell in love.
He fell in love.
He got married.
He got married.
He got a family.
He got a family.
You know - You know - everything he's ever wanted since he was a kid.
everything he's ever wanted since he was a kid.
A normal home.
(Laughs) A normal home.
(Laughs) What? (Laughs) What? (Laughs) Why do you have such a problem with that? Why do you have such a problem with that? I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
You don't.
You don't.
Your problem is Your problem is .
.
he left you.
.
.
he left you.
He left you and he moved on.
He left you and he moved on.
Only he didn't.
Only he didn't.
You and he just made different choices, that's all.
You and he just made different choices, that's all.
Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.
Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.
He won't talk to me.
He won't talk to me.
Then you talk to him.
Then you talk to him.
The money behind it is unbelievable.
The money behind it is unbelievable.
Not just wealthy conservatives, but big corporations.
Not just wealthy conservatives, but big corporations.
Ben says we should boycott them.
Ben says we should boycott them.
Yeah, before they take that right away from us too.
Yeah, before they take that right away from us too.
Sorry to sound like such an alarmist, Sorry to sound like such an alarmist, but these days I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany.
but these days I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany.
Like we're the new Jews.
Oh, come on, Mel.
Like we're the new Jews.
Oh, come on, Mel.
Don't you think that's going a bit far? Don't you think that's going a bit far? Listen, my seide - my grandfather - Listen, my seide - my grandfather - used to tell me everybody thought he was nuts for leaving Germany.
used to tell me everybody thought he was nuts for leaving Germany.
(Yiddish accent) "You're making too much of it.
(Yiddish accent) "You're making too much of it.
"It'll pass.
That'll never happen here.
" "It'll pass.
That'll never happen here.
" He died at the age of 87.
He died at the age of 87.
The rest of his family died in camps.
The rest of his family died in camps.
Well, what are we supposed to do - pack up and move to Paris? Well, what are we supposed to do - pack up and move to Paris? Well, last time I heard, they had a gay mayor.
Well, last time I heard, they had a gay mayor.
Listen, I'm going to grab this cab.
Listen, I'm going to grab this cab.
OK.
Oh! (Laughs) OK.
Oh! (Laughs) Aw! 'Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, Mel! Aw! 'Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, Mel! I meant her.
You too! I meant her.
You too! Can you take me to, er Can you take me to, er ALARM RINGS ALARM RINGS Nothing was stolen? Nothing was stolen? Not that I can tell.
Not that I can tell.
All I can say is thank God no-one was hurt.
All I can say is thank God no-one was hurt.
I'll need you to file a report.
I'll need you to file a report.
Then what? We'll investigate.
Then what? We'll investigate.
But with this kind of vandalism, But with this kind of vandalism, it's usually pretty difficult to come up with anything.
it's usually pretty difficult to come up with anything.
That's all you think it was - vandalism? That's all you think it was - vandalism? Well, what else? Probably just some kid trying to steal a comic book.
Well, what else? Probably just some kid trying to steal a comic book.
What if it wasn't? What if it wasn't? What if they were trying to destroy that - What if they were trying to destroy that - two gay superheroes getting married? two gay superheroes getting married? Look, I know what you're suggesting, Look, I know what you're suggesting, but there's no evidence of any hate crime.
but there's no evidence of any hate crime.
Hate crime? Hate crime? I appreciate your concern, I appreciate your concern, but in all honesty, I think you're getting a bit carried away.
but in all honesty, I think you're getting a bit carried away.
That's funny.
That's funny.
I just accused Mel of the same thing.
I just accused Mel of the same thing.
Remember, men, a smartly folded napkin Remember, men, a smartly folded napkin will add a touch of class to your table setting will add a touch of class to your table setting and be certain to charm your lady friend.
and be certain to charm your lady friend.
And who knows? And who knows? After dinner she might even let you After dinner she might even let you .
.
show her how to make one of these.
.
.
show her how to make one of these.
I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy, here to make your life more fabulous.
I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy, here to make your life more fabulous.
Thanks, Queer Guy, and that's the news.
Thanks, Queer Guy, and that's the news.
We'll see you tomorrow at six.
We'll see you tomorrow at six.
Until then, hope all your news is good news.
Until then, hope all your news is good news.
MAN: And we're out.
MAN: And we're out.
Cute segment, Emmett.
Cute segment, Emmett.
By the way, I've got some good news for you.
By the way, I've got some good news for you.
Management is thinking about doing a Queer Guy special.
Management is thinking about doing a Queer Guy special.
Now, here's the concept.
Now, here's the concept.
You prepare and serve a gourmet dinner to a hot straight couple.
You prepare and serve a gourmet dinner to a hot straight couple.
Ohperfect.
Ohperfect.
And after, they can fuck while I do the dishes.
And after, they can fuck while I do the dishes.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Hey, Don? You wouldn't believe who I just spoke to.
Hey, Don? You wouldn't believe who I just spoke to.
Who? Drew Boyd.
Who? Drew Boyd.
He wants to give me an exclusive interview He wants to give me an exclusive interview about the allegations that he's a fag.
about the allegations that he's a fag.
Jesus Christ! Our ratings are going to go through the roof.
Jesus Christ! Our ratings are going to go through the roof.
Watch out, Channel Seven! Man, they'll be yesterday's news.
Watch out, Channel Seven! Man, they'll be yesterday's news.
Can I get a cranberry juice and sparkling water? Can I get a cranberry juice and sparkling water? Oh! Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
Oh! Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
I'll have your sweater cleaned.
I'll have your sweater cleaned.
Don't worry about the sweater.
Don't worry about the sweater.
I'll have another drink, though.
I'll have another drink, though.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Erwhat were you? Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Erwhat were you? Diet Pepsi.
Diet Pepsi.
You don't drink? You don't drink? Maybe a glass of wine on occasion - holidays - but that's about it.
Maybe a glass of wine on occasion - holidays - but that's about it.
UhTed Schmidt.
Shalom.
UhTed Schmidt.
Shalom.
Adam Bernstein.
Shalom.
Adam Bernstein.
Shalom.
And, uhnice to meet you too.
And, uhnice to meet you too.
So, what do you do for a living? So, what do you do for a living? Well, I work at this ad agency.
Well, I work at this ad agency.
I do a lot of things, but mostly I'm an accountant.
I do a lot of things, but mostly I'm an accountant.
An accountant? My brother's an accountant.
An accountant? My brother's an accountant.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Mark Bernstein.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Mark Bernstein.
Yeah, I think I know several.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I think I know several.
(Chuckles) What about you? Neurologist.
What about you? Neurologist.
A doctor! A doctor! Well.
My mother would be thrilled.
Well.
My mother would be thrilled.
So, uhwhat else do you do? So, uhwhat else do you do? I mean, besides examining guy's prostates? I mean, besides examining guy's prostates? I'm a tennis freak.
I mean, I got a hell of a backhand.
I'm a tennis freak.
I mean, I got a hell of a backhand.
I'll bet you do.
I'll bet you do.
Do you like opera? Do you like opera? I hate it.
I hate it.
But I love ballet.
But I love ballet.
Men in tights - how can you go wrong, right? Men in tights - how can you go wrong, right? Right.
I got season's tickets.
Right.
I got season's tickets.
What do you say we go sometime? What do you say we go sometime? You mean a pas de deux? I'd love to.
You mean a pas de deux? I'd love to.
But thenwhy wait until 'Giselle' rolls into town? But thenwhy wait until 'Giselle' rolls into town? Huh? Huh? Hey, I just put one of those on the front lawn.
Hey, I just put one of those on the front lawn.
Yeah, and I just took it out.
Yeah, and I just took it out.
What? What? Aren't we doing enough? Canvassing and volunteering? Aren't we doing enough? Canvassing and volunteering? Do we really need this too? Do we really need this too? It's a sign of solidarity.
Support.
It's a sign of solidarity.
Support.
Besides, practically everyone's house on the block has one, Besides, practically everyone's house on the block has one, including the Iamontes.
including the Iamontes.
Good for them.
They can also wear pink triangles on their sleeves.
Good for them.
They can also wear pink triangles on their sleeves.
No reason to get yourself so worked up.
No reason to get yourself so worked up.
Actually, there is.
I've already been a target.
Actually, there is.
I've already been a target.
Carl said there's no evidence of that.
Carl said there's no evidence of that.
Look, I know what happened at the shop was upsetting, Look, I know what happened at the shop was upsetting, but let's try and stay level-headed.
but let's try and stay level-headed.
Well, fine.
Well, fine.
We'll see how level-headed you feel We'll see how level-headed you feel when they round us all up and take us off to the camps.
when they round us all up and take us off to the camps.
Oh, right.
Oh, right.
If you don't want it on the front lawn, If you don't want it on the front lawn, we won't put it on the front lawn.
we won't put it on the front lawn.
Look, I know you think I'm being ridiculous, Look, I know you think I'm being ridiculous, butI would hate for something terrible to happen butI would hate for something terrible to happen just because we didn't pay attention to the warnings.
just because we didn't pay attention to the warnings.
We'll have more scores at 11:00, We'll have more scores at 11:00, but right now we've got a special guest in the studio with us.
but right now we've got a special guest in the studio with us.
Star quarterback for the Ironmen and two-time MVP Drew Boyd.
Star quarterback for the Ironmen and two-time MVP Drew Boyd.
Great to have you here, Drew.
Thanks, Bud.
Great to have you here, Drew.
Thanks, Bud.
Well, Drew, you'd have to be living on the moon Well, Drew, you'd have to be living on the moon not to know what's been happening with you these days.
not to know what's been happening with you these days.
I'm talking about these sex allegations - "Boyd likes boys.
" I'm talking about these sex allegations - "Boyd likes boys.
" Its been a very difficult time for me, Bud, as you can imagine.
Its been a very difficult time for me, Bud, as you can imagine.
But I feel as though the sooner that I address this issue, But I feel as though the sooner that I address this issue, the sooner I can get on with my life.
the sooner I can get on with my life.
Let me just say that we've known each other Let me just say that we've known each other for how long now - 15 years? for how long now - 15 years? Mmm.
Mmm.
We started out playing ball together, We started out playing ball together, I have always thought of you not only as an outstanding athlete I have always thought of you not only as an outstanding athlete but as a man's man.
but as a man's man.
Sowhy don't we put all these rumours to rest right now? Sowhy don't we put all these rumours to rest right now? First of all, I would like to say that most of those stories First of all, I would like to say that most of those stories are out-and-out lies - total exaggerations.
are out-and-out lies - total exaggerations.
I'm sure that's a relief for your millions of fans.
I'm sure that's a relief for your millions of fans.
But if you're asking me if I'm gay But if you're asking me if I'm gay .
.
the answer is yes.
.
.
the answer is yes.
(Chuckles) I don't believe it! (Chuckles) I don't believe it! You're saying a guy like you? You're saying a guy like you? Yeah.
A guy like me.
Yeah.
A guy like me.
I can't even picture you kissing another guy - not like him.
I can't even picture you kissing another guy - not like him.
Excuse me?! Excuse me?! Actually, Bud, it was your Queer Guy, Emmett Honeycutt, Actually, Bud, it was your Queer Guy, Emmett Honeycutt, who helped me to find the courage not just to be "a man's man" who helped me to find the courage not just to be "a man's man" .
.
but to be my own man.
.
.
but to be my own man.
And I'd like to thank him.
And I'd like to thank him.
We'll be back in a minute.
We'll be back in a minute.
MAN: And we're out.
MAN: And we're out.
EXCITED HUBBUB EXCITED HUBBUB Justin, I'd like you to meet Simon Caswell.
Justin, I'd like you to meet Simon Caswell.
He's the critic from the 'Art Forum' magazine.
He's the critic from the 'Art Forum' magazine.
Hello.
Hello.
Lindsay is always trying to convince me to come to Pittsburgh.
Lindsay is always trying to convince me to come to Pittsburgh.
I tell her Warhol's it, but this time I could be wrong.
I tell her Warhol's it, but this time I could be wrong.
Your work has a surprising intensity to it.
Your work has a surprising intensity to it.
Especially for someone so young.
Especially for someone so young.
What made you want to be an artist? What made you want to be an artist? It was that or be a mass murderer.
It was that or be a mass murderer.
(Laughs) That's very amusing.
(Laughs) That's very amusing.
I'll be in touch.
I'll be in touch.
Did you hear what he said? Did you hear what he said? Remember this moment.
Remember this moment.
What for? He's a cunt.
What for? He's a cunt.
A very influential cunt.
A cunt's a cunt.
A very influential cunt.
A cunt's a cunt.
From the way everyone's talking, From the way everyone's talking, this might as well be a one-man show.
this might as well be a one-man show.
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had no idea you were so talented.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Corinne, you remember Lindsay.
Corinne, you remember Lindsay.
I'm really enjoying the show.
I'm really enjoying the show.
I'm delighted you could come.
I'm delighted you could come.
I need a refill.
Catch you later.
'Bye.
I need a refill.
Catch you later.
'Bye.
Are you sure you're OK with all of this? Are you sure you're OK with all of this? Well, what other choice do I have? My other career choice.
Well, what other choice do I have? My other career choice.
Art openings are always such gay occasions.
Art openings are always such gay occasions.
Mmm.
Especially now that you're here.
Mmm.
Especially now that you're here.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
Neither was I.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
Neither was I.
That it? Do you like it? That it? Do you like it? If I did, would that make it good? If I did, would that make it good? No.
No.
Would it make you like it more or less? Would it make you like it more or less? No.
Would it make you rich? No.
Would it make you rich? No.
No.
Then why do you give a shit what I think? Then why do you give a shit what I think? I think it's exquisite.
I think it's exquisite.
You should be very proud.
You should be very proud.
It's been a long time since I fucked an artsy type.
It's been a long time since I fucked an artsy type.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
You don't know art, but you know what you like? You don't know art, but you know what you like? I like Magritte, Cezanne and Johns.
I like Magritte, Cezanne and Johns.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I did go to college.
I did go to college.
And I also like your stuff.
And I also like your stuff.
You also like my mother.
You also like my mother.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Don't you have one of your own? Don't you have one of your own? That's not why I like her.
That's not why I like her.
I like her because she's I like her because she's .
.
beautiful (Sighs) .
.
beautiful (Sighs) .
.
intelligent, sexy.
.
.
intelligent, sexy.
Have you fucked her? Have you fucked her? I don't think that concerns you.
I don't think that concerns you.
As they say, 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25.
As they say, 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25.
Except in your case.
Except in your case.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Although to be fair, he's not quite that old, is he? Although to be fair, he's not quite that old, is he? She's an adult.
So am I.
She's an adult.
So am I.
She's free to love whoever she pleases She's free to love whoever she pleases without her child's approval.
without her child's approval.
I'm her son.
And I'm an adult.
I'm her son.
And I'm an adult.
OK.
Then act like one.
OK.
Then act like one.
Who knew there were so many hot Jewish men in the world? Who knew there were so many hot Jewish men in the world? Jesus Christ! You already sound like Yentl.
Jesus Christ! You already sound like Yentl.
Dr and Mrs Adam Bernstein.
How's that sound? Dr and Mrs Adam Bernstein.
How's that sound? Mazel tov.
Mazel tov.
Can I borrow you for a moment? Can I borrow you for a moment? I was in the middle of a conversation.
I was in the middle of a conversation.
Yeah, well, Theodore can regale you with his tales of the yeshiva later.
Yeah, well, Theodore can regale you with his tales of the yeshiva later.
Well, what is it? Well, what is it? I just wanted you to know I just wanted you to know that if it makes you happy being a Stepford fag, that if it makes you happy being a Stepford fag, then I saygo for it.
then I saygo for it.
Be the biggest Stepford fag in the world.
It's fine with me.
Be the biggest Stepford fag in the world.
It's fine with me.
What's that supposed to be, an apology? What's that supposed to be, an apology? I mean it.
I mean it.
Aren't you afraid I'm going to infect you? Aren't you afraid I'm going to infect you? Look, just because we've been friends our whole lives Look, just because we've been friends our whole lives doesn't mean we have to stay friends.
doesn't mean we have to stay friends.
Especially since we no longer have anything in common.
Especially since we no longer have anything in common.
So, why don't we just admit that the Brian and Mikey Show is over So, why don't we just admit that the Brian and Mikey Show is over and get on with our lives? and get on with our lives? Scotch? Scotch? Well, I don't usually like my drinks straight, but Well, I don't usually like my drinks straight, but Sorry I got you fired.
Sorry I got you fired.
HmmI may have lost my job, HmmI may have lost my job, but after our screen kiss, but after our screen kiss, at least no-one can say I'm sexless.
at least no-one can say I'm sexless.
(Chuckles) Thanks to me.
(Chuckles) Thanks to me.
Yeah! Whatever possessed you? Yeah! Whatever possessed you? It's the first rule of the game.
It's the first rule of the game.
Always protect your team-mates.
Always protect your team-mates.
And since we now play for the same team, And since we now play for the same team, I was covering your ass.
I was covering your ass.
And paying back Raymond Oswald.
And paying back Raymond Oswald.
He was this kid in high school.
He was this kid in high school.
Effeminate.
Total fag.
Effeminate.
Total fag.
I know the type.
(Chuckles) I know the type.
(Chuckles) My buddies and I made his life miserable.
My buddies and I made his life miserable.
Taunted him.
Beat him until he cried.
Taunted him.
Beat him until he cried.
He finally transferred to another school.
He finally transferred to another school.
I always felt I always felt .
.
awful .
.
awful .
.
for what I did to him.
.
.
for what I did to him.
Because secretly I knew, Because secretly I knew, even though he and I may have been different on the outside, even though he and I may have been different on the outside, on the inside, we were the same.
on the inside, we were the same.
So I guess you could say you're my atonement So I guess you could say you're my atonement for what I did to Raymond Oswald.
for what I did to Raymond Oswald.
My hero.
My hero.
So, now that you're finally out, how do you feel? So, now that you're finally out, how do you feel? Horny.
Horny.
Oh! Oh! (Emmett laughs) (Emmett laughs) I love football! I love football! (Gasps) SHIT! (Gasps) SHIT! You want to wake the children? You want to wake the children? (Laughs) I'm sure I woke the dead.
(Laughs) I'm sure I woke the dead.
You scared the fucking crap out of me! You scared the fucking crap out of me! Sorry.
Sorry.
What are you, uh, sitting in the dark for? What are you, uh, sitting in the dark for? I felt like it.
I felt like it.
Any more cocoa? I just made enough for me.
Any more cocoa? I just made enough for me.
It's after 3:00.
It's after 3:00.
Yeah, I got tied up.
Yeah, I got tied up.
Oh.
Satin or leather? Oh.
Satin or leather? Talking.
Talking.
I don't need to explain, make excuses or apologise.
I don't need to explain, make excuses or apologise.
Those are the rules.
Those are the rules.
That we both agreed to.
Did you forget you had a family? That we both agreed to.
Did you forget you had a family? Wellyou're here.
Wellyou're here.
I came home right after the show.
I came home right after the show.
Which was great, by the way.
We both enjoyed it.
Which was great, by the way.
We both enjoyed it.
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad.
Listen, next time I promise I'll call, OK? Listen, next time I promise I'll call, OK? I wouldn't worry about next time.
I wouldn't worry about next time.
This whole in-house separation isn't working.
At least, not for me.
This whole in-house separation isn't working.
At least, not for me.
It's for people who are obviously more sophisticated - It's for people who are obviously more sophisticated - or heartless - than I am.
or heartless - than I am.
So, what do you suggest? So, what do you suggest? That we sell the house.
That we sell the house.
Get two separate places.
Get two separate places.
Sell the house? Sell the house? Why should you live here while I'm in some crummy apartment? Why should you live here while I'm in some crummy apartment? We're not selling the house.
Then YOU move out.
We're not selling the house.
Then YOU move out.
Fine.
You want to sell the house? Fine.
You want to sell the house? Divide everything up fifty-fifty? Divide everything up fifty-fifty? What about this vase? Don't make fun of me.
What about this vase? Don't make fun of me.
Who was making fun? It's yours.
Who was making fun? It's yours.
You sure? I gave it to you.
You sure? I gave it to you.
Remember? For one of our anniversaries? Remember? For one of our anniversaries? Well, I don't want it.
Well, I don't want it.
Yeah? Neither do I.
Yeah? Neither do I.
Why did you do that? One less thing to wrap and move.
Why did you do that? One less thing to wrap and move.
Then why don't we get rid ofthis? Then why don't we get rid ofthis? That's my mother's Depressionware candy dish.
That's my mother's Depressionware candy dish.
It's about to get more depressed.
It's about to get more depressed.
You Give it to me! You Give it to me! Hands off me! Hands off me! SMASH! SMASH! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! (Both grunt) (Both grunt) You bitch! You bitch! Oh! Arggh! Oh! Arggh! (Both grunt) (Both grunt) Ohoh! Oh! Ohoh! Oh! Ohoh! (Breathes heavily) Ohoh! (Breathes heavily) (Both moan ecstatically) (Both moan ecstatically) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Both grunt with exertion) (Both grunt with exertion) (Breathes heavily) (Moans) (Breathes heavily) (Moans) I don't care if you're the next Picasso.
I don't care if you're the next Picasso.
That does not give you the right to be rude.
That does not give you the right to be rude.
How was I rude? How was I rude? I only asked him a few questions.
I only asked him a few questions.
Like if he's fucking me?! Like if he's fucking me?! More coffee? No, thank you.
More coffee? No, thank you.
I'll have some.
I'll have some.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What kind of a question was that? What kind of a question was that? I was merely looking out for your best interests.
I was merely looking out for your best interests.
You don't think that maybe you were feeling threatened You don't think that maybe you were feeling threatened because there's another man in my life? because there's another man in my life? I was not feeling threatened.
I was not feeling threatened.
Honey, Tucker is the first man I've gone out with Honey, Tucker is the first man I've gone out with since your father left me.
since your father left me.
That's a long time.
That's a long time.
Don't you think I'm entitled to be with someone? Don't you think I'm entitled to be with someone? Someone appropriate.
Someone appropriate.
Someone your own age.
Someone your own age.
Oh! That's really funny, coming from you.
Oh! That's really funny, coming from you.
Mom, I was 17.
Mom, I was 17.
You're You're You're my mother.
You should know better.
You're my mother.
You should know better.
You know, when you first started seeing Brian, You know, when you first started seeing Brian, I admit I had trouble - a lot of trouble.
I admit I had trouble - a lot of trouble.
But eventually I realised But eventually I realised that if he made you happy, was good to you, that if he made you happy, was good to you, that's all that really mattered.
that's all that really mattered.
Well, now it's your turn.
Hmm? Well, now it's your turn.
Hmm? MAN: This is not a time for complacency or silence.
MAN: This is not a time for complacency or silence.
The battle lines have been drawn.
The battle lines have been drawn.
It's up to every American to declare which side they're on.
It's up to every American to declare which side they're on.
The side that recognises homosexuality The side that recognises homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle as an acceptable lifestyle and wants to reward their deviant behaviour and wants to reward their deviant behaviour by giving them the most sacred right that a man and woman have - by giving them the most sacred right that a man and woman have - the right to marry the right to marry Do you hear what he's saying? Do you hear what he's saying? .
.
or the side that is determined to uphold the values .
.
or the side that is determined to uphold the values on which this great Christian country was founded on which this great Christian country was founded When did we become a Christian country? When did we become a Christian country? .
.
to defend the family and to protect our children.
.
.
to defend the family and to protect our children.
Why do they always make it on family and children? Why do they always make it on family and children? Like, gay people don't have families and children, too?! Like, gay people don't have families and children, too?! Maybe we should punch his fucking lights out.
Maybe we should punch his fucking lights out.
That's not how we get our message across - by starting fights.
That's not how we get our message across - by starting fights.
WOMAN: Please vote for Proposition 14.
WOMAN: Please vote for Proposition 14.
I have this thing for Sichuan beef.
I have this thing for Sichuan beef.
Oh, me too.
Love it.
Oh, me too.
Love it.
Can't get enough of it.
Can't get enough of it.
What else can't you get enough of? What else can't you get enough of? That.
That.
You know, I never put too much stock in those mixers at Woody's.
You know, I never put too much stock in those mixers at Woody's.
I mainly went to confirm my conviction I mainly went to confirm my conviction that nothing would ever come of it.
that nothing would ever come of it.
That is so pessimistic.
That is so pessimistic.
It's not pessimistic, it's, uh it's Jewish.
It's not pessimistic, it's, uh it's Jewish.
Huh.
Huh.
But this time it worked out.
But this time it worked out.
For me too.
For me too.
Mind if I ask you a personal question? Mind if I ask you a personal question? Do I ever have sex on the first date? Mmm.
How'd you guess? Do I ever have sex on the first date? Mmm.
How'd you guess? Depends how it goes.
Depends how it goes.
How would you say this is going? How would you say this is going? Ah! Ah! (Breathes heavily) (Breathes heavily) Everything alright down there? Everything alright down there? Frankly, no.
Frankly, no.
What's wrong? What's wrong? You're not Jewish.
You're not Jewish.
I never said I was.
I never said I was.
But you were at the mixer.
But you were at the mixer.
I wanted to meet a nice Jewish guy.
I wanted to meet a nice Jewish guy.
So did I.
So did I.
Ohwelllook, I mean Ohwelllook, I mean Why let a little thing like my not being Jewish Why let a little thing like my not being Jewish ruin what could be a beautiful relationship? ruin what could be a beautiful relationship? Because I want a Jewish husband.
Because I want a Jewish husband.
I want to settle down, carry on traditions, heritage.
I want to settle down, carry on traditions, heritage.
Well, I-I'll have the surgery.
Uhmore surgery.
Well, I-I'll have the surgery.
Uhmore surgery.
Uh, I'll, uhI'll convert.
Uh, I'll, uhI'll convert.
Huh? Elizabeth Taylor did it.
Marilyn Monroe.
Sammy Davis Jr Huh? Elizabeth Taylor did it.
Marilyn Monroe.
Sammy Davis Jr Look.
Look.
You're a nice guy, Ted.
You're a nice guy, Ted.
You're just not a nice Jewish guy.
You're just not a nice Jewish guy.
Uh Uh Hey, Deb, listen to this.
Hey, Deb, listen to this.
"And then the unthinkable happened.
"And then the unthinkable happened.
"Drew Boyd, hero to millions of fans, "Drew Boyd, hero to millions of fans, "planted one on Channel Five's Queer Guy.
"planted one on Channel Five's Queer Guy.
"It was the kiss heard round the world.
"It was the kiss heard round the world.
"The question is, now what? "The question is, now what? "Will Mr Boyd still be called a hero, "Will Mr Boyd still be called a hero, "or will he be called a lot of less flattering things? "or will he be called a lot of less flattering things? "It doesn't really matter.
"It doesn't really matter.
"What matters is Drew Boyd has scored a touchdown "What matters is Drew Boyd has scored a touchdown "for personal courage and honesty.
" "for personal courage and honesty.
" Yes! Yes! REPORTERS CLAMOUR REPORTERS CLAMOUR CARL: Will you let the man in through?! CARL: Will you let the man in through?! I'm sorry about this.
It's not your fault, honey.
I'm sorry about this.
It's not your fault, honey.
Do they have to trample my fucking rose bed?! Do they have to trample my fucking rose bed?! Well, wait till you read this.
Well, wait till you read this.
You're going to be so proud.
You're going to be so proud.
I've been suspended.
I've been suspended.
What? What? Why?! Why?! You weren't driving drunk.
You weren't driving drunk.
You didn't rape anybody.
You weren't making illegal bets.
You didn't rape anybody.
You weren't making illegal bets.
All you did was Deb! All you did was Deb! What? We know what he did.
What? We know what he did.
My coach says it's for my own good.
My coach says it's for my own good.
In case my team-mates try to injure me.
In case my team-mates try to injure me.
I thought you were supposed to look out for each other.
I thought you were supposed to look out for each other.
So did I.
So did I.
You're being awfully diligent.
You're being awfully diligent.
It's our home.
It's our home.
I want everything to be perfect.
I want everything to be perfect.
You're in it.
That's perfect enough for me.
You're in it.
That's perfect enough for me.
That is the most cloyingly sentimental remark That is the most cloyingly sentimental remark I have every heard.
I have every heard.
I'd throw up if I didn't love every word of it.
I'd throw up if I didn't love every word of it.
Aw.
Come on in.
It's cold.
Aw.
Come on in.
It's cold.
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
Hold on.
I've just got to do one last thing.
I've just got to do one last thing.
There.
There.
Surprised to see you here.
Surprised to see you here.
I wanted to ask you a question.
I wanted to ask you a question.
Why did you apologise? Why did you apologise? I guess I miss you.
I guess I miss you.
You still love me? You still love me? Always have.
Always have.
Always will.
Always will.
So do I.
So do I.
I said, you look like you need a friend to talk to.
So do I.
I said, you look like you need a friend to talk to.
So do I.
Is there a hotline for that? Is there a hotline for that? In a pinch, you'll do.
In a pinch, you'll do.
My date was a bust.
My date was a bust.
What went wrong? What went wrong? You could say I didn't make the cut.
You could say I didn't make the cut.
You'll live.
You'll live.
Gee, I don't know how you do it.
Gee, I don't know how you do it.
You always know the right thing to say.
You always know the right thing to say.
Get you a drink? Get you a drink? That's very thoughtful of you, Theodore.
That's very thoughtful of you, Theodore.
Don't mind if I do.
Don't mind if I do.
Get yourself one of those girlie things you like so much.
Get yourself one of those girlie things you like so much.
On me.
On me.
Thanks, Bri.
Thanks, Bri.
Anything Anything .
.
for a friend.
.
.
for a friend.
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# (Men grunt with exertion) CUTLERY CLATTERS (Men grunt with exertion) CUTLERY CLATTERS (Both grunt with exertion) (Both grunt with exertion) Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Oh, yeah.
Come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Yeahyeah, come here.
Yeah.
Yeahyeah, come here.
Yeah.
(Grunts with exertion) (Grunts with exertion) Yeah.
Oh, that feel Yeah.
Oh, that feel That feel good, baby? That feel good, baby? Yeah.
That's it.
Right there.
Don't stop.
Yeah.
That's it.
Right there.
Don't stop.
DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Right there.
Don't stop.
Justdon't stop.
Right there.
Don't stop.
Justdon't stop.
Just Arggh! Just Arggh! Keep going.
I'm coming.
Arggh! Yeah! Keep going.
I'm coming.
Arggh! Yeah! Oh! Oh, fuck! DOORBELL RINGS IMPATIENTLY Oh! Oh, fuck! DOORBELL RINGS IMPATIENTLY OhI'm coming.
OhI'm coming.
(Yells to the door) I'm coming! (Yells to the door) I'm coming! That's it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Come on! That's it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Come on! OhohOH! OhohOH! Hello, sir.
Hello, sir.
I'm Charlotte and this is Amanda, I'm Charlotte and this is Amanda, and we're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
and we're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
Are you aware of it? Yes, I'm aware of it.
Are you aware of it? Yes, I'm aware of it.
Good, then we needn't tell you how important it these days Good, then we needn't tell you how important it these days to protect the holy bonds of matrimony and the American family.
to protect the holy bonds of matrimony and the American family.
Isn't that the God's honest truth? Isn't that the God's honest truth? Are you married? I most certainly am.
Are you married? I most certainly am.
In that case, we would love to speak with you and your wife.
In that case, we would love to speak with you and your wife.
Honey, there are some very sweet ladies here Honey, there are some very sweet ladies here urging us to support Proposition 14.
urging us to support Proposition 14.
Do you have children? A son and a daughter.
Do you have children? A son and a daughter.
Oh, that's wonderful.
(Laughs) Oh, that's wonderful.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Good afternoon, ladies.
(Laughs) Good afternoon, ladies.
This is my lawfully wedded husband.
This is my lawfully wedded husband.
And this is MY lawfully wedded husband.
And this is MY lawfully wedded husband.
And we are going to do everything in our power And we are going to do everything in our power to defeat Proposition 14.
to defeat Proposition 14.
I see.
(Clears throat) OK.
I see.
(Clears throat) OK.
Well.
Good afternoon, then.
Well.
Good afternoon, then.
Hey, thanks for stopping by.
We'll be sure to vote.
Hey, thanks for stopping by.
We'll be sure to vote.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
I caught that.
I caught that.
Caught what? Caught what? That subtle exchange of smiles that can indicate only one thing.
That subtle exchange of smiles that can indicate only one thing.
"Is your ass is as sore as mine?" "Is your ass is as sore as mine?" BRIAN: Fucking Christ, Theodore, BRIAN: Fucking Christ, Theodore, is there anyone in this burg you haven't boned is there anyone in this burg you haven't boned since your extreme makeover? since your extreme makeover? Well, let's just say that if they don't get a fresh supply in soon, Well, let's just say that if they don't get a fresh supply in soon, I'll be forced to move to Philadelphia.
I'll be forced to move to Philadelphia.
You know, I always used to wonder what it would be like You know, I always used to wonder what it would be like to have any guy I wanted - now I know.
to have any guy I wanted - now I know.
And? And? And, it's, umgreat.
And, it's, umgreat.
Hey, look who it is! Michael! Hey, look who it is! Michael! Hey, Teddy.
Hey, Teddy.
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetie.
Well, if you boys will excuse me, I have to get back to work.
Well, if you boys will excuse me, I have to get back to work.
YeahI've got to get back to the store.
YeahI've got to get back to the store.
Busy day? Busy day? Yeah, this comic book collection that I bought off eBay just arrived.
Yeah, this comic book collection that I bought off eBay just arrived.
It's going to take me weeks to inspect and grade them.
It's going to take me weeks to inspect and grade them.
Well, better have something to eat.
What'll it be? Well, better have something to eat.
What'll it be? I think I'll have I think I'll have Are you and Brian ever going to talk to each other again? Are you and Brian ever going to talk to each other again? Ma Michael! Ma Michael! You've been friends - brothers - since you were kids.
You've been friends - brothers - since you were kids.
You love each other.
You love each other.
You're going to let a lifetime of fucking history go down the drain You're going to let a lifetime of fucking history go down the drain 'cause of some childish disagreement? 'cause of some childish disagreement? And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
It's not childish, and it's not just a disagreement.
It's not childish, and it's not just a disagreement.
He disrespects every choice I have made.
He disrespects every choice I have made.
He mocks me for wanting a family and home.
He mocks me for wanting a family and home.
He calls me a defector.
He calls me a defector.
He even blames me for his and Justin's break-up.
He even blames me for his and Justin's break-up.
He says I infected him.
He says I infected him.
Well, he can think whatever he wants and call me whatever he pleases.
Well, he can think whatever he wants and call me whatever he pleases.
It really doesn't matter anymore.
It really doesn't matter anymore.
I'll have the tuna fish on whole-wheat with a lemon bar.
I'll have the tuna fish on whole-wheat with a lemon bar.
Hold the remarks.
Hold the remarks.
We're going door-to-door today to try and get people to listen.
We're going door-to-door today to try and get people to listen.
A lot of them may not want to, A lot of them may not want to, so don't be discouraged if you get doors slammed in your face.
so don't be discouraged if you get doors slammed in your face.
Just be courteous, make your point succinctly, Just be courteous, make your point succinctly, and whatever you do, do not engage.
and whatever you do, do not engage.
That means don't lose your fucking temper and shoot off your big mouth.
That means don't lose your fucking temper and shoot off your big mouth.
CHUCKLING Hehexactly.
Good luck.
CHUCKLING Hehexactly.
Good luck.
Ready? Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
I hope they don't come out swinging - I hope they don't come out swinging - not with the fortune I just spent on my face.
not with the fortune I just spent on my face.
What a lovely face it is too.
You must get lots of compliments.
What a lovely face it is too.
You must get lots of compliments.
I've been getting more than that.
(Chuckles lasciviously) I've been getting more than that.
(Chuckles lasciviously) To tell you the truth something's missing.
To tell you the truth something's missing.
Love? Commitment? Love? Commitment? Yeah, something like that.
What you need is a husband.
Yeah, something like that.
What you need is a husband.
Yeah! (Scoffs) First I need a boyfriend.
Yeah! (Scoffs) First I need a boyfriend.
But that won't be easy.
But that won't be easy.
My standards are ridiculously high.
My standards are ridiculously high.
I want someone who's financially secure, with a face like Brad Pitt, I want someone who's financially secure, with a face like Brad Pitt, a body like Brad Pitt, and hung like a body like Brad Pitt, and hung like .
.
well, just hung.
.
.
well, just hung.
That's not so ridiculous.
It's absurd.
That's not so ridiculous.
It's absurd.
Listen, if you really want to get hitched, you need a Jewish guy.
Listen, if you really want to get hitched, you need a Jewish guy.
They make the best marriage material.
They make the best marriage material.
They do? Yeah.
They do? Yeah.
Provided you can get past the incestuous relationship Provided you can get past the incestuous relationship they have with their mothers that lasts beyond the grave.
they have with their mothers that lasts beyond the grave.
Good afternoon, sir.
We're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
Good afternoon, sir.
We're here to talk to you about Proposition 14.
We'll only take a minute of your time.
We'll only take a minute of your time.
Or less.
Or less.
Well.
Well.
It may not be easy, but at least it gets you out of the house.
It may not be easy, but at least it gets you out of the house.
That's what Michael said.
That's what Michael said.
Keeping busy would take my mind off Hunter.
Keeping busy would take my mind off Hunter.
So far it hasn't helped.
Give it time.
So far it hasn't helped.
Give it time.
How much time? A lifetime? How much time? A lifetime? 'Cause that's how long it'll take for me to forget about him.
'Cause that's how long it'll take for me to forget about him.
Oh, hi.
What can I do for you folks? Oh, hi.
What can I do for you folks? We'd like to talk to you about Proposition 14.
We'd like to talk to you about Proposition 14.
It's very important that you vote no.
It's very important that you vote no.
Oh, why is that, son? Oh, why is that, son? If it passes, gay men and women will lose the same rights If it passes, gay men and women will lose the same rights that other Americans have.
that other Americans have.
And who's to say what's next? And who's to say what's next? The elderly could lose their social security.
The elderly could lose their social security.
Women could lose their right to have an abortion.
Women could lose their right to have an abortion.
I see your point.
You've got my vote.
I see your point.
You've got my vote.
WOMAN: Dad, who's at the door? WOMAN: Dad, who's at the door? Hello.
Hello.
We were just talking to your father about voting no for Proposition 14.
We were just talking to your father about voting no for Proposition 14.
My father hasn't voted in 10 years.
My father hasn't voted in 10 years.
He has Alzheimer's.
He has Alzheimer's.
Come on, Dad.
Come on, Dad.
Trust me, Jim.
Trust me, Jim.
Look, why don't we have lunch tomorrow? Look, why don't we have lunch tomorrow? I'll ply you with martinis I'll ply you with martinis and I guarantee you will see things my way.
and I guarantee you will see things my way.
Oh.
Oh.
Feldon's losing his hard-on for the new Home Station ad.
Feldon's losing his hard-on for the new Home Station ad.
Well, you have to admit, it's a bit suggestive.
Well, you have to admit, it's a bit suggestive.
You also have to admit it's genius.
You also have to admit it's genius.
Listen, how about coming with me to Beth Emanuel's mixer? Listen, how about coming with me to Beth Emanuel's mixer? Who's she? Who's she? It's a temple.
It's a temple.
They're having their monthly gay get-together at Woody's, They're having their monthly gay get-together at Woody's, and I want to meet a mensch.
and I want to meet a mensch.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Christ! Christ! Am I the only fag who doesn't want to put a trousseau together Am I the only fag who doesn't want to put a trousseau together and walk down the aisle? and walk down the aisle? Listen, I'm not getting any younger.
Listen, I'm not getting any younger.
I'll be 35 this I'll be 35 this What? What? Uh Uh I'm your employer.
I'm your employer.
There's a paper trail.
There's a paper trail.
Why don't you ask Justin? Why don't you ask Justin? Rumour has it he's hot for a hubby.
Rumour has it he's hot for a hubby.
Just thought I'd ask.
Just thought I'd ask.
There are many uncertainties in this life, Theodore, There are many uncertainties in this life, Theodore, manymysteries beyond our comprehension.
manymysteries beyond our comprehension.
But one thing I know for a fact - But one thing I know for a fact - I will never be Mrs Seymour Goldfarb.
I will never be Mrs Seymour Goldfarb.
I wish we'd been able to convince more people.
I wish we'd been able to convince more people.
Well, the important thing is we keep on trying, huh? Well, the important thing is we keep on trying, huh? Ohuh Ohuh Am I late? Am I late? No.
We just got here ourselves.
No.
We just got here ourselves.
Who's he? Who's he? We'll talk later.
Wha? We'll talk later.
Wha? Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Keep up the good work, honey! Keep up the good work, honey! Have you seen a letter signed by Judge Salzman? Have you seen a letter signed by Judge Salzman? Hmm Hmm I wonder how it got into my pile.
I wonder how it got into my pile.
Beats me.
Beats me.
You didn't happen to see an invoice You didn't happen to see an invoice from the Resnick Gallery in New York, did you? from the Resnick Gallery in New York, did you? Oh.
It's right here.
Oh.
It's right here.
Must've gotten mixed up with my stuff by mistake.
Must've gotten mixed up with my stuff by mistake.
What's this? What's this? Oh, that's a piece Justin has in the art show.
Oh, that's a piece Justin has in the art show.
Wait till you see it.
Wait till you see it.
You are coming to the opening, aren't you? You are coming to the opening, aren't you? Actually, I'm supposed to go out with, uh Actually, I'm supposed to go out with, uh Corinne.
Corinne.
Mel, you don't have to hide it.
Mel, you don't have to hide it.
That's our arrangement - you have your life, I have mine.
That's our arrangement - you have your life, I have mine.
I know, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's your show.
I know, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
It's your show.
That's right, it's my show, and I'm inviting you.
That's right, it's my show, and I'm inviting you.
And Corinne.
And Corinne.
Are you sure? I'm fine with it.
Really.
Are you sure? I'm fine with it.
Really.
(Sighs) Now, what have I done with Untitled I and II? (Sighs) Now, what have I done with Untitled I and II? It's right here under Newcombe v.
Budge.
It's right here under Newcombe v.
Budge.
DOG BARKS, EXCITED HUBBUB DOG BARKS, EXCITED HUBBUB What do you think? What do you think? Oh, a giraffe! Isn't that cute, huh? Oh, a giraffe! Isn't that cute, huh? It's a swan.
It's a swan.
Oh.
I can see thatkinda.
Oh.
I can see thatkinda.
It's for my next segment.
They want something cute.
It's for my next segment.
They want something cute.
There are a couple of reporters camped out the front.
There are a couple of reporters camped out the front.
Shit! Shit! Look at this - they took an old photograph of me Look at this - they took an old photograph of me and made it look like I'm in Babylon.
and made it look like I'm in Babylon.
I've never even been to Babylon.
I've never even been to Babylon.
You know, last week they put poor Liza's head You know, last week they put poor Liza's head on the body of a 400lb woman.
on the body of a 400lb woman.
They said she was too fat to get out of bed.
They said she was too fat to get out of bed.
You can't let that trash get to you.
You can't let that trash get to you.
Besides, it'll all stop once you come out.
Besides, it'll all stop once you come out.
You're going to come out? You're going to come out? When?! Huh? When, honey? When?! Huh? When, honey? I haven't decided yet.
I haven't decided yet.
Well, I say Larry King.
Well, I say Larry King.
I mean, if it was me, I'd definitely come out to Larry.
I mean, if it was me, I'd definitely come out to Larry.
I mean, you know, of course, I mean, you know, of course, however you decide to do it, it has to be your way.
however you decide to do it, it has to be your way.
Yeah, Deb's right - you got to do it on your own terms.
Yeah, Deb's right - you got to do it on your own terms.
Oh.
You got some sauce on your chin, baby.
Oh.
You got some sauce on your chin, baby.
That was my swan.
That was my swan.
It was a giraffe, honey.
(Chuckles) Try again.
It was a giraffe, honey.
(Chuckles) Try again.
You know, I've got one hell of a nerve.
You know, I've got one hell of a nerve.
I'm sitting here like some fucking eunuch, I'm sitting here like some fucking eunuch, making animals out of napkins making animals out of napkins to delight the guests at your next dinner party, to delight the guests at your next dinner party, and I'm telling YOU how to be out and proud.
and I'm telling YOU how to be out and proud.
It's a funny story how we met.
(Laughs) It's a funny story how we met.
(Laughs) I'm always up for a laugh.
I'm always up for a laugh.
Well, I-I was dropping Molly off at school, Well, I-I was dropping Molly off at school, when, wouldn't you know, I get a flat.
when, wouldn't you know, I get a flat.
Just then, this motorcycle comes roaring up Just then, this motorcycle comes roaring up and this guy dressed all in black asks me if I want help.
and this guy dressed all in black asks me if I want help.
Well, I had taken that night class in car maintenance Well, I had taken that night class in car maintenance after your father left, after your father left, but II was on my way to an open house.
but II was on my way to an open house.
I didn't want to show up looking like agrease monkey (Laughs) I didn't want to show up looking like agrease monkey (Laughs) .
.
so I said yes, and it turned out to be Tuck.
.
.
so I said yes, and it turned out to be Tuck.
'Tuck'? It's short for 'Tucker'.
'Tuck'? It's short for 'Tucker'.
He teaches eighth-grade science at Molly's school.
(Chuckles) He teaches eighth-grade science at Molly's school.
(Chuckles) Wow.
My sides are splitting.
Wow.
My sides are splitting.
Sowe got to chatting.
Sowe got to chatting.
He asked me if I wanted to go out some night for a coffee He asked me if I wanted to go out some night for a coffee Coffee? Aren't his parents afraid it might stunt his growth? Coffee? Aren't his parents afraid it might stunt his growth? Do you want to hear this or not? Do you want to hear this or not? (Clears throat) (Clears throat) Well, I figured, what the hell? Well, I figured, what the hell? It beats sitting at home, reading 'How to Survive a Divorce', It beats sitting at home, reading 'How to Survive a Divorce', so I said yes.
so I said yes.
Andthe rest is history.
Andthe rest is history.
For him, modern.
For you, ancient.
For him, modern.
For you, ancient.
I take it you don't approve.
I take it you don't approve.
I suppose a woman of your age is allowed to have a little fling I suppose a woman of your age is allowed to have a little fling .
.
provided it's discreet.
.
.
provided it's discreet.
Well, actually, it's it's more than a little fling.
Well, actually, it's it's more than a little fling.
We've been seeing each other for six months.
We've been seeing each other for six months.
For six months? And you never said anything? For six months? And you never said anything? What was the point until I was sure it was serious? What was the point until I was sure it was serious? Serious? Serious? You are NOT serious.
He's one-third your age.
You are NOT serious.
He's one-third your age.
Half.
Fine.
Half.
He's half your age.
Half.
Fine.
Half.
He's half your age.
He's still young enough to be your s He's still young enough to be your s I don't even want to say it.
I don't even want to say it.
And I don't want to hear it.
And I don't want to hear it.
Especially from you.
Especially from you.
JAZZ PLAYS JAZZ PLAYS KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR You alone? You alone? One of those rare unexpected moments.
One of those rare unexpected moments.
Ah.
Ah.
So muchfor the moment.
So muchfor the moment.
That Thelonious? That Thelonious? That, ertuna macaroni casserole? That, ertuna macaroni casserole? You got it.
You got it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Tuna casserole means that we're going to get stoned Tuna casserole means that we're going to get stoned and have a very meaningful conversation.
and have a very meaningful conversation.
Unfortunately, I just finished my last joint.
Unfortunately, I just finished my last joint.
Well, fortunately (Chuckles) Well, fortunately (Chuckles) .
.
I brought one with me.
.
.
I brought one with me.
Does Detective Horvath know that his blushing bride is a pothead? Does Detective Horvath know that his blushing bride is a pothead? Nothing kills a good relationship faster than full disclosure.
Nothing kills a good relationship faster than full disclosure.
Give me some of that.
Give me some of that.
I don't like the way you've been treating Michael.
I don't like the way you've been treating Michael.
Butt the fuck out.
Butt the fuck out.
You've been on his case You've been on his case ever since he and Ben bought that house together.
ever since he and Ben bought that house together.
He didn't just buy a house.
He didn't just buy a house.
He bought the slicer and the dicer He bought the slicer and the dicer .
.
the Ginsu knives, the abs roller, the juicer.
.
.
the Ginsu knives, the abs roller, the juicer.
The 'Top 100 Hits of the '60s' - not available at any store.
The 'Top 100 Hits of the '60s' - not available at any store.
In short, every lie, every con In short, every lie, every con .
.
everycolour, shape and size of bullshit .
.
everycolour, shape and size of bullshit the straight world has to offer.
the straight world has to offer.
He fell in love.
He fell in love.
He got married.
He got married.
He got a family.
He got a family.
You know - You know - everything he's ever wanted since he was a kid.
everything he's ever wanted since he was a kid.
A normal home.
(Laughs) A normal home.
(Laughs) What? (Laughs) What? (Laughs) Why do you have such a problem with that? Why do you have such a problem with that? I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
You don't.
You don't.
Your problem is Your problem is .
.
he left you.
.
.
he left you.
He left you and he moved on.
He left you and he moved on.
Only he didn't.
Only he didn't.
You and he just made different choices, that's all.
You and he just made different choices, that's all.
Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.
Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.
He won't talk to me.
He won't talk to me.
Then you talk to him.
Then you talk to him.
The money behind it is unbelievable.
The money behind it is unbelievable.
Not just wealthy conservatives, but big corporations.
Not just wealthy conservatives, but big corporations.
Ben says we should boycott them.
Ben says we should boycott them.
Yeah, before they take that right away from us too.
Yeah, before they take that right away from us too.
Sorry to sound like such an alarmist, Sorry to sound like such an alarmist, but these days I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany.
but these days I feel like I'm living in Nazi Germany.
Like we're the new Jews.
Oh, come on, Mel.
Like we're the new Jews.
Oh, come on, Mel.
Don't you think that's going a bit far? Don't you think that's going a bit far? Listen, my seide - my grandfather - Listen, my seide - my grandfather - used to tell me everybody thought he was nuts for leaving Germany.
used to tell me everybody thought he was nuts for leaving Germany.
(Yiddish accent) "You're making too much of it.
(Yiddish accent) "You're making too much of it.
"It'll pass.
That'll never happen here.
" "It'll pass.
That'll never happen here.
" He died at the age of 87.
He died at the age of 87.
The rest of his family died in camps.
The rest of his family died in camps.
Well, what are we supposed to do - pack up and move to Paris? Well, what are we supposed to do - pack up and move to Paris? Well, last time I heard, they had a gay mayor.
Well, last time I heard, they had a gay mayor.
Listen, I'm going to grab this cab.
Listen, I'm going to grab this cab.
OK.
Oh! (Laughs) OK.
Oh! (Laughs) Aw! 'Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, Mel! Aw! 'Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, Mel! I meant her.
You too! I meant her.
You too! Can you take me to, er Can you take me to, er ALARM RINGS ALARM RINGS Nothing was stolen? Nothing was stolen? Not that I can tell.
Not that I can tell.
All I can say is thank God no-one was hurt.
All I can say is thank God no-one was hurt.
I'll need you to file a report.
I'll need you to file a report.
Then what? We'll investigate.
Then what? We'll investigate.
But with this kind of vandalism, But with this kind of vandalism, it's usually pretty difficult to come up with anything.
it's usually pretty difficult to come up with anything.
That's all you think it was - vandalism? That's all you think it was - vandalism? Well, what else? Probably just some kid trying to steal a comic book.
Well, what else? Probably just some kid trying to steal a comic book.
What if it wasn't? What if it wasn't? What if they were trying to destroy that - What if they were trying to destroy that - two gay superheroes getting married? two gay superheroes getting married? Look, I know what you're suggesting, Look, I know what you're suggesting, but there's no evidence of any hate crime.
but there's no evidence of any hate crime.
Hate crime? Hate crime? I appreciate your concern, I appreciate your concern, but in all honesty, I think you're getting a bit carried away.
but in all honesty, I think you're getting a bit carried away.
That's funny.
That's funny.
I just accused Mel of the same thing.
I just accused Mel of the same thing.
Remember, men, a smartly folded napkin Remember, men, a smartly folded napkin will add a touch of class to your table setting will add a touch of class to your table setting and be certain to charm your lady friend.
and be certain to charm your lady friend.
And who knows? And who knows? After dinner she might even let you After dinner she might even let you .
.
show her how to make one of these.
.
.
show her how to make one of these.
I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy, here to make your life more fabulous.
I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy, here to make your life more fabulous.
Thanks, Queer Guy, and that's the news.
Thanks, Queer Guy, and that's the news.
We'll see you tomorrow at six.
We'll see you tomorrow at six.
Until then, hope all your news is good news.
Until then, hope all your news is good news.
MAN: And we're out.
MAN: And we're out.
Cute segment, Emmett.
Cute segment, Emmett.
By the way, I've got some good news for you.
By the way, I've got some good news for you.
Management is thinking about doing a Queer Guy special.
Management is thinking about doing a Queer Guy special.
Now, here's the concept.
Now, here's the concept.
You prepare and serve a gourmet dinner to a hot straight couple.
You prepare and serve a gourmet dinner to a hot straight couple.
Ohperfect.
Ohperfect.
And after, they can fuck while I do the dishes.
And after, they can fuck while I do the dishes.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Hey, Don? You wouldn't believe who I just spoke to.
Hey, Don? You wouldn't believe who I just spoke to.
Who? Drew Boyd.
Who? Drew Boyd.
He wants to give me an exclusive interview He wants to give me an exclusive interview about the allegations that he's a fag.
about the allegations that he's a fag.
Jesus Christ! Our ratings are going to go through the roof.
Jesus Christ! Our ratings are going to go through the roof.
Watch out, Channel Seven! Man, they'll be yesterday's news.
Watch out, Channel Seven! Man, they'll be yesterday's news.
Can I get a cranberry juice and sparkling water? Can I get a cranberry juice and sparkling water? Oh! Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
Oh! Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
I'll have your sweater cleaned.
I'll have your sweater cleaned.
Don't worry about the sweater.
Don't worry about the sweater.
I'll have another drink, though.
I'll have another drink, though.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Erwhat were you? Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
Erwhat were you? Diet Pepsi.
Diet Pepsi.
You don't drink? You don't drink? Maybe a glass of wine on occasion - holidays - but that's about it.
Maybe a glass of wine on occasion - holidays - but that's about it.
UhTed Schmidt.
Shalom.
UhTed Schmidt.
Shalom.
Adam Bernstein.
Shalom.
Adam Bernstein.
Shalom.
And, uhnice to meet you too.
And, uhnice to meet you too.
So, what do you do for a living? So, what do you do for a living? Well, I work at this ad agency.
Well, I work at this ad agency.
I do a lot of things, but mostly I'm an accountant.
I do a lot of things, but mostly I'm an accountant.
An accountant? My brother's an accountant.
An accountant? My brother's an accountant.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Mark Bernstein.
Maybe you've heard of him.
Mark Bernstein.
Yeah, I think I know several.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I think I know several.
(Chuckles) What about you? Neurologist.
What about you? Neurologist.
A doctor! A doctor! Well.
My mother would be thrilled.
Well.
My mother would be thrilled.
So, uhwhat else do you do? So, uhwhat else do you do? I mean, besides examining guy's prostates? I mean, besides examining guy's prostates? I'm a tennis freak.
I mean, I got a hell of a backhand.
I'm a tennis freak.
I mean, I got a hell of a backhand.
I'll bet you do.
I'll bet you do.
Do you like opera? Do you like opera? I hate it.
I hate it.
But I love ballet.
But I love ballet.
Men in tights - how can you go wrong, right? Men in tights - how can you go wrong, right? Right.
I got season's tickets.
Right.
I got season's tickets.
What do you say we go sometime? What do you say we go sometime? You mean a pas de deux? I'd love to.
You mean a pas de deux? I'd love to.
But thenwhy wait until 'Giselle' rolls into town? But thenwhy wait until 'Giselle' rolls into town? Huh? Huh? Hey, I just put one of those on the front lawn.
Hey, I just put one of those on the front lawn.
Yeah, and I just took it out.
Yeah, and I just took it out.
What? What? Aren't we doing enough? Canvassing and volunteering? Aren't we doing enough? Canvassing and volunteering? Do we really need this too? Do we really need this too? It's a sign of solidarity.
Support.
It's a sign of solidarity.
Support.
Besides, practically everyone's house on the block has one, Besides, practically everyone's house on the block has one, including the Iamontes.
including the Iamontes.
Good for them.
They can also wear pink triangles on their sleeves.
Good for them.
They can also wear pink triangles on their sleeves.
No reason to get yourself so worked up.
No reason to get yourself so worked up.
Actually, there is.
I've already been a target.
Actually, there is.
I've already been a target.
Carl said there's no evidence of that.
Carl said there's no evidence of that.
Look, I know what happened at the shop was upsetting, Look, I know what happened at the shop was upsetting, but let's try and stay level-headed.
but let's try and stay level-headed.
Well, fine.
Well, fine.
We'll see how level-headed you feel We'll see how level-headed you feel when they round us all up and take us off to the camps.
when they round us all up and take us off to the camps.
Oh, right.
Oh, right.
If you don't want it on the front lawn, If you don't want it on the front lawn, we won't put it on the front lawn.
we won't put it on the front lawn.
Look, I know you think I'm being ridiculous, Look, I know you think I'm being ridiculous, butI would hate for something terrible to happen butI would hate for something terrible to happen just because we didn't pay attention to the warnings.
just because we didn't pay attention to the warnings.
We'll have more scores at 11:00, We'll have more scores at 11:00, but right now we've got a special guest in the studio with us.
but right now we've got a special guest in the studio with us.
Star quarterback for the Ironmen and two-time MVP Drew Boyd.
Star quarterback for the Ironmen and two-time MVP Drew Boyd.
Great to have you here, Drew.
Thanks, Bud.
Great to have you here, Drew.
Thanks, Bud.
Well, Drew, you'd have to be living on the moon Well, Drew, you'd have to be living on the moon not to know what's been happening with you these days.
not to know what's been happening with you these days.
I'm talking about these sex allegations - "Boyd likes boys.
" I'm talking about these sex allegations - "Boyd likes boys.
" Its been a very difficult time for me, Bud, as you can imagine.
Its been a very difficult time for me, Bud, as you can imagine.
But I feel as though the sooner that I address this issue, But I feel as though the sooner that I address this issue, the sooner I can get on with my life.
the sooner I can get on with my life.
Let me just say that we've known each other Let me just say that we've known each other for how long now - 15 years? for how long now - 15 years? Mmm.
Mmm.
We started out playing ball together, We started out playing ball together, I have always thought of you not only as an outstanding athlete I have always thought of you not only as an outstanding athlete but as a man's man.
but as a man's man.
Sowhy don't we put all these rumours to rest right now? Sowhy don't we put all these rumours to rest right now? First of all, I would like to say that most of those stories First of all, I would like to say that most of those stories are out-and-out lies - total exaggerations.
are out-and-out lies - total exaggerations.
I'm sure that's a relief for your millions of fans.
I'm sure that's a relief for your millions of fans.
But if you're asking me if I'm gay But if you're asking me if I'm gay .
.
the answer is yes.
.
.
the answer is yes.
(Chuckles) I don't believe it! (Chuckles) I don't believe it! You're saying a guy like you? You're saying a guy like you? Yeah.
A guy like me.
Yeah.
A guy like me.
I can't even picture you kissing another guy - not like him.
I can't even picture you kissing another guy - not like him.
Excuse me?! Excuse me?! Actually, Bud, it was your Queer Guy, Emmett Honeycutt, Actually, Bud, it was your Queer Guy, Emmett Honeycutt, who helped me to find the courage not just to be "a man's man" who helped me to find the courage not just to be "a man's man" .
.
but to be my own man.
.
.
but to be my own man.
And I'd like to thank him.
And I'd like to thank him.
We'll be back in a minute.
We'll be back in a minute.
MAN: And we're out.
MAN: And we're out.
EXCITED HUBBUB EXCITED HUBBUB Justin, I'd like you to meet Simon Caswell.
Justin, I'd like you to meet Simon Caswell.
He's the critic from the 'Art Forum' magazine.
He's the critic from the 'Art Forum' magazine.
Hello.
Hello.
Lindsay is always trying to convince me to come to Pittsburgh.
Lindsay is always trying to convince me to come to Pittsburgh.
I tell her Warhol's it, but this time I could be wrong.
I tell her Warhol's it, but this time I could be wrong.
Your work has a surprising intensity to it.
Your work has a surprising intensity to it.
Especially for someone so young.
Especially for someone so young.
What made you want to be an artist? What made you want to be an artist? It was that or be a mass murderer.
It was that or be a mass murderer.
(Laughs) That's very amusing.
(Laughs) That's very amusing.
I'll be in touch.
I'll be in touch.
Did you hear what he said? Did you hear what he said? Remember this moment.
Remember this moment.
What for? He's a cunt.
What for? He's a cunt.
A very influential cunt.
A cunt's a cunt.
A very influential cunt.
A cunt's a cunt.
From the way everyone's talking, From the way everyone's talking, this might as well be a one-man show.
this might as well be a one-man show.
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had no idea you were so talented.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Corinne, you remember Lindsay.
Corinne, you remember Lindsay.
I'm really enjoying the show.
I'm really enjoying the show.
I'm delighted you could come.
I'm delighted you could come.
I need a refill.
Catch you later.
'Bye.
I need a refill.
Catch you later.
'Bye.
Are you sure you're OK with all of this? Are you sure you're OK with all of this? Well, what other choice do I have? My other career choice.
Well, what other choice do I have? My other career choice.
Art openings are always such gay occasions.
Art openings are always such gay occasions.
Mmm.
Especially now that you're here.
Mmm.
Especially now that you're here.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
Neither was I.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
Neither was I.
That it? Do you like it? That it? Do you like it? If I did, would that make it good? If I did, would that make it good? No.
No.
Would it make you like it more or less? Would it make you like it more or less? No.
Would it make you rich? No.
Would it make you rich? No.
No.
Then why do you give a shit what I think? Then why do you give a shit what I think? I think it's exquisite.
I think it's exquisite.
You should be very proud.
You should be very proud.
It's been a long time since I fucked an artsy type.
It's been a long time since I fucked an artsy type.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
You don't know art, but you know what you like? You don't know art, but you know what you like? I like Magritte, Cezanne and Johns.
I like Magritte, Cezanne and Johns.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I did go to college.
I did go to college.
And I also like your stuff.
And I also like your stuff.
You also like my mother.
You also like my mother.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Don't you have one of your own? Don't you have one of your own? That's not why I like her.
That's not why I like her.
I like her because she's I like her because she's .
.
beautiful (Sighs) .
.
beautiful (Sighs) .
.
intelligent, sexy.
.
.
intelligent, sexy.
Have you fucked her? Have you fucked her? I don't think that concerns you.
I don't think that concerns you.
As they say, 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25.
As they say, 25 goes into 50 a lot more than 50 goes into 25.
Except in your case.
Except in your case.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Although to be fair, he's not quite that old, is he? Although to be fair, he's not quite that old, is he? She's an adult.
So am I.
She's an adult.
So am I.
She's free to love whoever she pleases She's free to love whoever she pleases without her child's approval.
without her child's approval.
I'm her son.
And I'm an adult.
I'm her son.
And I'm an adult.
OK.
Then act like one.
OK.
Then act like one.
Who knew there were so many hot Jewish men in the world? Who knew there were so many hot Jewish men in the world? Jesus Christ! You already sound like Yentl.
Jesus Christ! You already sound like Yentl.
Dr and Mrs Adam Bernstein.
How's that sound? Dr and Mrs Adam Bernstein.
How's that sound? Mazel tov.
Mazel tov.
Can I borrow you for a moment? Can I borrow you for a moment? I was in the middle of a conversation.
I was in the middle of a conversation.
Yeah, well, Theodore can regale you with his tales of the yeshiva later.
Yeah, well, Theodore can regale you with his tales of the yeshiva later.
Well, what is it? Well, what is it? I just wanted you to know I just wanted you to know that if it makes you happy being a Stepford fag, that if it makes you happy being a Stepford fag, then I saygo for it.
then I saygo for it.
Be the biggest Stepford fag in the world.
It's fine with me.
Be the biggest Stepford fag in the world.
It's fine with me.
What's that supposed to be, an apology? What's that supposed to be, an apology? I mean it.
I mean it.
Aren't you afraid I'm going to infect you? Aren't you afraid I'm going to infect you? Look, just because we've been friends our whole lives Look, just because we've been friends our whole lives doesn't mean we have to stay friends.
doesn't mean we have to stay friends.
Especially since we no longer have anything in common.
Especially since we no longer have anything in common.
So, why don't we just admit that the Brian and Mikey Show is over So, why don't we just admit that the Brian and Mikey Show is over and get on with our lives? and get on with our lives? Scotch? Scotch? Well, I don't usually like my drinks straight, but Well, I don't usually like my drinks straight, but Sorry I got you fired.
Sorry I got you fired.
HmmI may have lost my job, HmmI may have lost my job, but after our screen kiss, but after our screen kiss, at least no-one can say I'm sexless.
at least no-one can say I'm sexless.
(Chuckles) Thanks to me.
(Chuckles) Thanks to me.
Yeah! Whatever possessed you? Yeah! Whatever possessed you? It's the first rule of the game.
It's the first rule of the game.
Always protect your team-mates.
Always protect your team-mates.
And since we now play for the same team, And since we now play for the same team, I was covering your ass.
I was covering your ass.
And paying back Raymond Oswald.
And paying back Raymond Oswald.
He was this kid in high school.
He was this kid in high school.
Effeminate.
Total fag.
Effeminate.
Total fag.
I know the type.
(Chuckles) I know the type.
(Chuckles) My buddies and I made his life miserable.
My buddies and I made his life miserable.
Taunted him.
Beat him until he cried.
Taunted him.
Beat him until he cried.
He finally transferred to another school.
He finally transferred to another school.
I always felt I always felt .
.
awful .
.
awful .
.
for what I did to him.
.
.
for what I did to him.
Because secretly I knew, Because secretly I knew, even though he and I may have been different on the outside, even though he and I may have been different on the outside, on the inside, we were the same.
on the inside, we were the same.
So I guess you could say you're my atonement So I guess you could say you're my atonement for what I did to Raymond Oswald.
for what I did to Raymond Oswald.
My hero.
My hero.
So, now that you're finally out, how do you feel? So, now that you're finally out, how do you feel? Horny.
Horny.
Oh! Oh! (Emmett laughs) (Emmett laughs) I love football! I love football! (Gasps) SHIT! (Gasps) SHIT! You want to wake the children? You want to wake the children? (Laughs) I'm sure I woke the dead.
(Laughs) I'm sure I woke the dead.
You scared the fucking crap out of me! You scared the fucking crap out of me! Sorry.
Sorry.
What are you, uh, sitting in the dark for? What are you, uh, sitting in the dark for? I felt like it.
I felt like it.
Any more cocoa? I just made enough for me.
Any more cocoa? I just made enough for me.
It's after 3:00.
It's after 3:00.
Yeah, I got tied up.
Yeah, I got tied up.
Oh.
Satin or leather? Oh.
Satin or leather? Talking.
Talking.
I don't need to explain, make excuses or apologise.
I don't need to explain, make excuses or apologise.
Those are the rules.
Those are the rules.
That we both agreed to.
Did you forget you had a family? That we both agreed to.
Did you forget you had a family? Wellyou're here.
Wellyou're here.
I came home right after the show.
I came home right after the show.
Which was great, by the way.
We both enjoyed it.
Which was great, by the way.
We both enjoyed it.
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad.
Listen, next time I promise I'll call, OK? Listen, next time I promise I'll call, OK? I wouldn't worry about next time.
I wouldn't worry about next time.
This whole in-house separation isn't working.
At least, not for me.
This whole in-house separation isn't working.
At least, not for me.
It's for people who are obviously more sophisticated - It's for people who are obviously more sophisticated - or heartless - than I am.
or heartless - than I am.
So, what do you suggest? So, what do you suggest? That we sell the house.
That we sell the house.
Get two separate places.
Get two separate places.
Sell the house? Sell the house? Why should you live here while I'm in some crummy apartment? Why should you live here while I'm in some crummy apartment? We're not selling the house.
Then YOU move out.
We're not selling the house.
Then YOU move out.
Fine.
You want to sell the house? Fine.
You want to sell the house? Divide everything up fifty-fifty? Divide everything up fifty-fifty? What about this vase? Don't make fun of me.
What about this vase? Don't make fun of me.
Who was making fun? It's yours.
Who was making fun? It's yours.
You sure? I gave it to you.
You sure? I gave it to you.
Remember? For one of our anniversaries? Remember? For one of our anniversaries? Well, I don't want it.
Well, I don't want it.
Yeah? Neither do I.
Yeah? Neither do I.
Why did you do that? One less thing to wrap and move.
Why did you do that? One less thing to wrap and move.
Then why don't we get rid ofthis? Then why don't we get rid ofthis? That's my mother's Depressionware candy dish.
That's my mother's Depressionware candy dish.
It's about to get more depressed.
It's about to get more depressed.
You Give it to me! You Give it to me! Hands off me! Hands off me! SMASH! SMASH! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! Goddamn you! (Both grunt) (Both grunt) You bitch! You bitch! Oh! Arggh! Oh! Arggh! (Both grunt) (Both grunt) Ohoh! Oh! Ohoh! Oh! Ohoh! (Breathes heavily) Ohoh! (Breathes heavily) (Both moan ecstatically) (Both moan ecstatically) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Both grunt with exertion) (Both grunt with exertion) (Breathes heavily) (Moans) (Breathes heavily) (Moans) I don't care if you're the next Picasso.
I don't care if you're the next Picasso.
That does not give you the right to be rude.
That does not give you the right to be rude.
How was I rude? How was I rude? I only asked him a few questions.
I only asked him a few questions.
Like if he's fucking me?! Like if he's fucking me?! More coffee? No, thank you.
More coffee? No, thank you.
I'll have some.
I'll have some.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What kind of a question was that? What kind of a question was that? I was merely looking out for your best interests.
I was merely looking out for your best interests.
You don't think that maybe you were feeling threatened You don't think that maybe you were feeling threatened because there's another man in my life? because there's another man in my life? I was not feeling threatened.
I was not feeling threatened.
Honey, Tucker is the first man I've gone out with Honey, Tucker is the first man I've gone out with since your father left me.
since your father left me.
That's a long time.
That's a long time.
Don't you think I'm entitled to be with someone? Don't you think I'm entitled to be with someone? Someone appropriate.
Someone appropriate.
Someone your own age.
Someone your own age.
Oh! That's really funny, coming from you.
Oh! That's really funny, coming from you.
Mom, I was 17.
Mom, I was 17.
You're You're You're my mother.
You should know better.
You're my mother.
You should know better.
You know, when you first started seeing Brian, You know, when you first started seeing Brian, I admit I had trouble - a lot of trouble.
I admit I had trouble - a lot of trouble.
But eventually I realised But eventually I realised that if he made you happy, was good to you, that if he made you happy, was good to you, that's all that really mattered.
that's all that really mattered.
Well, now it's your turn.
Hmm? Well, now it's your turn.
Hmm? MAN: This is not a time for complacency or silence.
MAN: This is not a time for complacency or silence.
The battle lines have been drawn.
The battle lines have been drawn.
It's up to every American to declare which side they're on.
It's up to every American to declare which side they're on.
The side that recognises homosexuality The side that recognises homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle as an acceptable lifestyle and wants to reward their deviant behaviour and wants to reward their deviant behaviour by giving them the most sacred right that a man and woman have - by giving them the most sacred right that a man and woman have - the right to marry the right to marry Do you hear what he's saying? Do you hear what he's saying? .
.
or the side that is determined to uphold the values .
.
or the side that is determined to uphold the values on which this great Christian country was founded on which this great Christian country was founded When did we become a Christian country? When did we become a Christian country? .
.
to defend the family and to protect our children.
.
.
to defend the family and to protect our children.
Why do they always make it on family and children? Why do they always make it on family and children? Like, gay people don't have families and children, too?! Like, gay people don't have families and children, too?! Maybe we should punch his fucking lights out.
Maybe we should punch his fucking lights out.
That's not how we get our message across - by starting fights.
That's not how we get our message across - by starting fights.
WOMAN: Please vote for Proposition 14.
WOMAN: Please vote for Proposition 14.
I have this thing for Sichuan beef.
I have this thing for Sichuan beef.
Oh, me too.
Love it.
Oh, me too.
Love it.
Can't get enough of it.
Can't get enough of it.
What else can't you get enough of? What else can't you get enough of? That.
That.
You know, I never put too much stock in those mixers at Woody's.
You know, I never put too much stock in those mixers at Woody's.
I mainly went to confirm my conviction I mainly went to confirm my conviction that nothing would ever come of it.
that nothing would ever come of it.
That is so pessimistic.
That is so pessimistic.
It's not pessimistic, it's, uh it's Jewish.
It's not pessimistic, it's, uh it's Jewish.
Huh.
Huh.
But this time it worked out.
But this time it worked out.
For me too.
For me too.
Mind if I ask you a personal question? Mind if I ask you a personal question? Do I ever have sex on the first date? Mmm.
How'd you guess? Do I ever have sex on the first date? Mmm.
How'd you guess? Depends how it goes.
Depends how it goes.
How would you say this is going? How would you say this is going? Ah! Ah! (Breathes heavily) (Breathes heavily) Everything alright down there? Everything alright down there? Frankly, no.
Frankly, no.
What's wrong? What's wrong? You're not Jewish.
You're not Jewish.
I never said I was.
I never said I was.
But you were at the mixer.
But you were at the mixer.
I wanted to meet a nice Jewish guy.
I wanted to meet a nice Jewish guy.
So did I.
So did I.
Ohwelllook, I mean Ohwelllook, I mean Why let a little thing like my not being Jewish Why let a little thing like my not being Jewish ruin what could be a beautiful relationship? ruin what could be a beautiful relationship? Because I want a Jewish husband.
Because I want a Jewish husband.
I want to settle down, carry on traditions, heritage.
I want to settle down, carry on traditions, heritage.
Well, I-I'll have the surgery.
Uhmore surgery.
Well, I-I'll have the surgery.
Uhmore surgery.
Uh, I'll, uhI'll convert.
Uh, I'll, uhI'll convert.
Huh? Elizabeth Taylor did it.
Marilyn Monroe.
Sammy Davis Jr Huh? Elizabeth Taylor did it.
Marilyn Monroe.
Sammy Davis Jr Look.
Look.
You're a nice guy, Ted.
You're a nice guy, Ted.
You're just not a nice Jewish guy.
You're just not a nice Jewish guy.
Uh Uh Hey, Deb, listen to this.
Hey, Deb, listen to this.
"And then the unthinkable happened.
"And then the unthinkable happened.
"Drew Boyd, hero to millions of fans, "Drew Boyd, hero to millions of fans, "planted one on Channel Five's Queer Guy.
"planted one on Channel Five's Queer Guy.
"It was the kiss heard round the world.
"It was the kiss heard round the world.
"The question is, now what? "The question is, now what? "Will Mr Boyd still be called a hero, "Will Mr Boyd still be called a hero, "or will he be called a lot of less flattering things? "or will he be called a lot of less flattering things? "It doesn't really matter.
"It doesn't really matter.
"What matters is Drew Boyd has scored a touchdown "What matters is Drew Boyd has scored a touchdown "for personal courage and honesty.
" "for personal courage and honesty.
" Yes! Yes! REPORTERS CLAMOUR REPORTERS CLAMOUR CARL: Will you let the man in through?! CARL: Will you let the man in through?! I'm sorry about this.
It's not your fault, honey.
I'm sorry about this.
It's not your fault, honey.
Do they have to trample my fucking rose bed?! Do they have to trample my fucking rose bed?! Well, wait till you read this.
Well, wait till you read this.
You're going to be so proud.
You're going to be so proud.
I've been suspended.
I've been suspended.
What? What? Why?! Why?! You weren't driving drunk.
You weren't driving drunk.
You didn't rape anybody.
You weren't making illegal bets.
You didn't rape anybody.
You weren't making illegal bets.
All you did was Deb! All you did was Deb! What? We know what he did.
What? We know what he did.
My coach says it's for my own good.
My coach says it's for my own good.
In case my team-mates try to injure me.
In case my team-mates try to injure me.
I thought you were supposed to look out for each other.
I thought you were supposed to look out for each other.
So did I.
So did I.
You're being awfully diligent.
You're being awfully diligent.
It's our home.
It's our home.
I want everything to be perfect.
I want everything to be perfect.
You're in it.
That's perfect enough for me.
You're in it.
That's perfect enough for me.
That is the most cloyingly sentimental remark That is the most cloyingly sentimental remark I have every heard.
I have every heard.
I'd throw up if I didn't love every word of it.
I'd throw up if I didn't love every word of it.
Aw.
Come on in.
It's cold.
Aw.
Come on in.
It's cold.
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
Hold on.
I've just got to do one last thing.
I've just got to do one last thing.
There.
There.
Surprised to see you here.
Surprised to see you here.
I wanted to ask you a question.
I wanted to ask you a question.
Why did you apologise? Why did you apologise? I guess I miss you.
I guess I miss you.
You still love me? You still love me? Always have.
Always have.
Always will.
Always will.
So do I.
So do I.
I said, you look like you need a friend to talk to.
So do I.
I said, you look like you need a friend to talk to.
So do I.
Is there a hotline for that? Is there a hotline for that? In a pinch, you'll do.
In a pinch, you'll do.
My date was a bust.
My date was a bust.
What went wrong? What went wrong? You could say I didn't make the cut.
You could say I didn't make the cut.
You'll live.
You'll live.
Gee, I don't know how you do it.
Gee, I don't know how you do it.
You always know the right thing to say.
You always know the right thing to say.
Get you a drink? Get you a drink? That's very thoughtful of you, Theodore.
That's very thoughtful of you, Theodore.
Don't mind if I do.
Don't mind if I do.
Get yourself one of those girlie things you like so much.
Get yourself one of those girlie things you like so much.
On me.
On me.
Thanks, Bri.
Thanks, Bri.
Anything Anything .
.
for a friend.
.
.
for a friend.