Queer As Folk (2022) s01e05 Episode Script


Morning, handsome.

So not to be this bitch,
but it is my birthday.

18, NBD, and I would
love to hang tonight.

And you don't have to get
me a present or anything,
but I may have one for you.

I don't know what
you're saying that's
- Happy 18th birthday!
- What the fuck?
You know that there are
actually houses out there
that have hallways? Like, you don't need
to go through someone's
bedroom to get to the kitchen.

Sounds boring.

What is this? What are you doing?
Your father called this morning,
and he said he wants to
come for your birthday,
but I wanted to check with you first.

Oh, my God.

Mom, you are adorable,
but don't worry.
He's not coming.

No, he called from the road,
and he said he's gonna get
here right about dinnertime.

Okay, sure.

But I actually have plans tonight,
so even if he were
coming, which he's not,
- I wouldn't be here.

- Ooh.

Where are you going? What are you doing?
Just going to a party
that this guy is throwing.

- I might stop by.

- Hmm.

This guy.
Is it Brodie?
You know what, Mom?
- Hmm?
- For my birthday,
could you just give me
the gift of boundaries?

Even if it's just for the day.

Sure, I'll try anything once.

I just want to say be careful,
'cause those cute boys
who know they're cute
- Oh, my God, Mom.

- It's trouble.

Trouble, trouble.

Okay, can you go now?
Go, go, go.

Oh, my God.

Fuck! We can't keep doing this.

Yeah, okay.

- Really?
- Yup.

Thanks for understanding.

Of course.
Have a great day.

Can't wait to fuck you later.

Wait, I'm, like, serious.

I know you're serious now,
just like you were
serious yesterday morning
and the morning before that.

I prefer nighttime Julian.
She's fun.

Okay, what if Brodie finds out?
Look, it's not like this
is ideal for me either.

Would it be the worst
thing if we just tell him?
Since when did we start locking doors?

Hold on.

- It's an emergency.

- Oh, please.

I think Mingus is obsessed with me.

Yes, that's usually what happens
when a teenager has sex with someone.

But I've been ignoring
him for three weeks now,
and he still isn't getting it.

And by "ignoring him,"
you mean answering him
with the bare minimum effort
and sending the occasional meme?

I think you should
tell him how you feel.

Duh, you little bitch.

I can't tell him today
'cause it's his birthday
and we have drag wrestling.

And you would never do
something so selfish.

Shouldn't you be at work right now?
You're right.

Him not knowing about
us is so much easier.

Noah, there's no us
for him to know about.

We're just fucking.

And thanks for helping me hide.

I'd throw my panties at you,
but the school's super weird
about me not wearing underwear.

Fucking prudes.

I wish I was going to
see y'all perform tonight.

I feel like I missed my calling in life:
- groupie.

- Mm.

- You do love giving head.

- I really do.

I mean, if you really wanted to come

Babysitting is the least I could do.

- You mean parenting.

- Right.

What did I say?
- Noah, you got a second?
- Mm-hmm.

Is everything okay?
I'm sorry to be the
one to tell you this,
but you're not gonna be making partner.

Last few months, your
mind has been elsewhere.

No, I
You've literally been Googling pictures
of Chris Meloni's butt at work,
but the bottom line is, you
need more billable hours.

Look, I'm sorry.

I-I've been distracted
these past couple months
You don't have to.
I get it.

And we do care about you here,
which is why we're giving you the choice
to either stay or go.

Did he actually invite you, though?
Yeah, of course he invited me.

- What?
- Hey, Merc.

Hey, Paul.
Cute haircut.

Do we have to have this
conversation in here?
- Yes.

- Yes!
Okay, so look, he texted me
about the party at Ghost
Fag, and then he sent me this.

- Where is that even from?
- "Real Housewives," I think?
I don't know.
I don't watch.

How does "she's
starting" equal an invite?
Because I told him I wanted
to be with him on my birthday,
and then he sent me that.

So it's like, you know, she's starting.

Like, we're starting.

The birthday festivities are starting.

- I don't know.
Fuck you.

- I'm
Before you say anything,
Jake, keep in mind that
our little Mingus is in love.

I'm not in love.

I just I had this
insane night with Brodie,
and we're, like, really
fucking connected.

And, look, okay, I'm not delusional.

I know he's been avoiding me,
but I really think it's
because of the age difference.

And 18 is a big fucking number.

I'm, like, an adult now.

Yes, you fucking are,
and no matter what,
we are gonna give you
the best fucking birthday
on this planet.

Yay! Let's get it.

Vamanos, girlies.


All right, so I'm
gonna need to fuck you.

Not in front of the kids.

Listen, if there's two
things they need to know
one is that even though
their zaddy will never admit it,
they are very fucking good at makeup
And two, that their
mommy still gets it in.

You're so hot.


Hi, baby daddy.

God, I love watching
hot guys build things.

That's beautiful, Brodie.

Did you call just to tell me that?
You're coming tonight,
right? Drag wrestling?
I wish.

I must take care
of the children again.

Oh, they're so cute.
I like them now.

How big of you.
Want to come help?
Did Shar forgive me for last time?
No, but they're generously
pretending to be over it.

Well, if you get bored,
you can come here.

Hmm, sure.

I'll just give the babies
a whiskey-soaked rag
and hop on over.

Is your birthday boyfriend coming too?
How you know it's his
birthday, you freak?
'Cause I'm his teacher, freak.

We have to know students' birthdays
so we can celebrate them in class.

It makes me very angry
in a very boomer way.

Well, he's not my boyfriend,
and he's not coming.

Brodie, can you tell
your hot worker men to keep it down?
I'm tutoring.

Gotta go.

Typical avoidant behavior.
Bye, bitch.

He's the worst, I know.

I know.

Okay, I know math is
a scam and you won't
actually ever use it as an adult,
but this one is simple.

So X equals 32?
Honey, no.
It's 245.

Oh, wait.

I think I know what the problem is.

I don't give a shit, and
I don't want to be here.

Sorry to interrupt.

It's complicated.

Then let me simplify it.

He's a walking "Love Island" contestant,
- and you live together.

- And he dated my brother.

That's kind of hot.
Do you like him?
Yeah, but it's messy,
and not in a way that sparks joy,
so I need to Marie
Kondo it.
I can say no.

So I've been thinking about it,
and I think we should
go on a date tonight.


Don't worry.
Just breathe.

- You was made for this.

- Thank you.

You too.
I just
it just don't feel like how it felt.

Yeah, the stakes were higher
back then, but this is better.

You can play, feel the rush,
and go home to your perfect life.


I don't know if anybody's ever called
two six-month-old demons a perfect life.

Yeah, they have.
Fuck, Shar, you have.

And you?
I mean, my life's interesting.

Calamity in your eyes ♪
Depravity by design ♪
Rancorous in sight ♪
Heinous suck me dry ♪
Oh, calamity in your eyes ♪
Knock, knock.

Come through.
You look incredible.

Thank you, Mom.

I wanted to give you something.


Thank you.

Wow, you're a talented wrapper.

All right.

Don't get too excited.

Mom, how many times do I
have to tell you I'm not
That you're not doing drag.

But it made you so happy,
and you're so good at it, honey.

- You shouldn't just throw away
- You know what?
I don't feel like dinner anymore.

I'm going to the party.

Mingus, hold on.

Would you wait a second?
- Mingus, let me talk to you.

- That's the problem.

You just talk, and you talk,
and you talk, and you never listen.

I do listen.

I told you I was done with drag,
and you got me a wig.

I told you to give me space,
and you followed me into Ghost Fag.

I told you Dad's not coming,
and you set an extra fucking plate.

Sweetie, I'm here for
You're hurting.

You went through a traumatic event.

Yeah, I know.
I was there.
You weren't.

So just live your own life
and stop trying to live mine.

Fuck this.

Hive ♪
You got a mind ♪
Hive mind ♪
Oh, what a move! And I
thought Laveau was a top.

I've gotta say,
this foreplay is getting out of hand.

Meet my twins, Goldman and Sachs.

They're too big to fail.

Oh, round and round she goes.

- Yes, that was brutal.

- And hot.

These two hate each other
in an extremely erotic way.

Oh, I can't look.

I can't look away.

Happy birthday to me.

I did not mean to invite everyone
on the Spirit Airlines flight to Miami.

That's okay, really.

Actually, that's a
United 1543 to New York.

No way that that's right.

Check the app.

How what the hell?
Okay, what about that one?
Mm, that is British Airways
224 nonstop to London.

Jesus, how do you know this?
I don't know.

I just love planes.

Okay, I love a light-bodied pinot noir,
but I don't know the delivery schedule
for the liquor store.

Look, growing up with Brodie
- was a little bit of a
- Challenge?
Well, I always felt like
a bit of an afterthought.

But then my mom took us to
Montreal for the weekend,
and I don't really remember
anything about the city,
but the plane
I mean, the second I went on board,
I was just curious about
everything, you know?
And then they took me to the cockpit,
and then the captain
let me push a button.

And Brodie whined the
whole time, of course,
but I thought it was magic.

It sounds stupid, but
for the first time,
I didn't feel like an afterthought.

I've always just wished
that I could do the
same thing for people.

And I've wanted to be a
flight attendant ever since.

Too bad it's a total pipe dream.

It doesn't seem like a pipe dream to me.

Well, it is when you have CP.

Hardly any of the programs
accept people like me.

God, I sound so pathetic.

Hey, there is nothing
pathetic about having a dream,
even if your dream is
serving nuts to drunk people.

And that's why they call
her Fire Crotch, people.

Well, that and the gonorrhea.

Ring the bell.
Let's do this.

Oh, my God, this is so much better
than my lame family dinner.

- Thank you for inviting me.

- Mingus, look
Chill, chill.
Look, I didn't come here
to have a State of the
Union or, like, really about
what we are or whatever, okay?
I just wanted to hang out.
Sound good?
- Okay.

- Okay.

Jake, Mercury, over here.

Okay, this definitely beats
getting drunk in someone's garage.

Brodie, meet Mercury and Jake.


We have heard so much about you.

- So much.

- Okay.

Oh, really? How much?
Like, what specifically?
Ew, why is Tallulah Andrews here?
Oh, someone must've
found out about the party,
and now those randos from
our high school are here.

What the fuck? I'm sorry.

I hope you don't mind.

Yeah, you know, I'll be right back.



Hey, I know you're in baby land,
and I love and support that journey,
but I really think you should
come to Ghost Fag tonight.

It's so fun.

It's like that show "Glow" but gayer.

Please come.

Fuck, fuck.



I hate this.

I mean, look, I don't
know precisely when,
but last weekend, Marne
came home too late,
looking like a mess,
and Amelia took one look at her
and said that she could smell
another woman's cunt on Marne's breath.

Amelia does love a dramatic
use of the word "cunt.
That's why I just cut out the middleman,
commit to no one.
No offense.

Oh, none taken.
I'm good.

I got a girlfriend, two kids,
and I still killed it on stage tonight.

No lies detected.
we gotta celebrate.

Where to?
There's a new bar a few blocks away
- in an abandoned school.

- Mm, Shar?
That sounds fun, and
as much as I want to,
I need to get home to my fam.


Tonight was the best.

I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

Now go fuck this grad student
who been gay for 12 minutes.

- You know me so well.

- Mm-hmm.

Ooh, Ruthie Ru.

You know I don't like to brag,
but I fucking killed it tonight.

I mean, the crowd was obsessed with us.

It was just fire.

I'm so happy for you, babe.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

- Ruthie.

- Everything's fine.

Kids are asleep, little chubsters.

All right, so you want to get
into bed and watch a movie?
I think I need to, like,
go work out or something.

I'm feeling wired.

Just, like, in my head.

All right.
You want to talk about it?
Um, later.

What's the point of
belonging to a 24-hour gym
if you're not gonna occasionally
go work out at night?
One fried shrimp po'boy,
one hot sausage po'boy,
two root beers, and some fries.

Okay, it doesn't look like much,
but Greasy's will knock you flat.

I bet.

You are gonna look like a snack
in your Spirit Airlines uniform.


You really think so little of me?
It's Delta or bust.

Jet Blue if I'm desperate.

Okay, your turn.

Hopes and dreams.

Uh, let's just say that
I wish I was as passionate
about anything as you
are about your stuff,
but unfortunately, I'm not that lucky.

- Being a lawyer is just a job.

- Okay.

It's not your job,
but what's your thing?
- Here you go.

- Oh, where should we sit?

Whoa, rough start for Miss Toto.

Oh, my God, Ruthie.
Brodie, what the fuck?
Mingus is one thing,
but why the hell are
all my students here?
Also, hi.
Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, they're all a bunch of amateurs.

They crashed.
You know what?
I'm gonna go see if
they'll let me wrestle.

Excuse me.

Okay, okay, look, look,
I knew you'd be pissed,
and I'm sorry I didn't tell you
the party went a little "Riverdale,"
but it's because I
knew you wouldn't come.

Look, look, please just stay, okay?
I just need to get through the night,
and I promise I'll tell
them everything tomorrow.

Brodie, it's really not a
good look for me to be here.

They're the ones who crashed.

This is an adult party.

You did nothing wrong.

That's my girl.

Yeah, baby.

- Come on, give me, baby.

- Yeah.

Look at that ass.

- You ready for this?
- I'm ready.



I've decided that I am too young
and attractive to be called that.

Are you missing this
nonsense on "Design Build"?
There's a relationship dissolving
over granite countertops.

Honestly, relatable.
Turning it on now.

Wow, so they're really going
in this "Sopranos" direction?
You can't buy good taste, honey.

You just can't.

Do you think they do butt stuff?
Of course they do.

Yeah, I'm getting that
Is Ruthie around?
She says she was going to the gym,
but she's probably out
with your toxic, bad influence of a son.

He's not a bad influence.

Who am I kidding?
That would make sense.
He does do that.

I just
I just worry Ruthie and I
aren't on the same page anymore.

Being on the same page is for book clubs
and people who actually
pay attention in church.

At least you have some
spice in your relationship.

Oh, Lord, they put in carpets?
Carpets are hardwood
floors with low self-esteem.

Hardwood or bust.


That was way better than it looked.

Told you.

Sorry, it's just
- it's a small town.

- Yeah.

I guess the glamor of being
someone's dirty little secret
- wears off after a while.

- Okay, slow down.

I just don't know if I want
to compromise my relationship
with my brother for someone
that I don't really know.

- We know each other.

- Do we?
Okay, well, I found out I
didn't make partner today,
and I quit.

God, I'm sorry.

It's okay.
It's on me.

I just, like, checked out.

You know, I didn't care.

And yeah, I need the
money, but truth be told,
there's only two things
that have made me feel alive
since Babylon, and
one of those things is
very, very bad for me.

Looking at hot gay people on Instagram?
I wish.

Daddius and I we had
a lot of fun together.

- We partied a lot.

- Okay, so what?
It's more like we were tweaking on meth
and fucking until we passed out.

Look, it sounds a lot scarier
than it actually is, okay?
When Daddius died, I just
I just wanted to feel just
the feeling that I felt
when I was with him.

But it took more and more meth
just to get a shadow of that feeling.

You know, when you moved in,
for the first time in a long time,
I felt seen.

And I felt like if you could see me,
then, um
Then maybe I could just
start to see myself again.

Oh, my God.

Wow, vulnerability overload.

I feel like I have no skin left.

Can you say something? Anything?
I don't know what to say.

I don't think I can top meth.

Round three, girlies.
Let's go.

Wait, he said what?
To tell him how I feel.

- Wow, what an asshole.

- I know, right?
Who's an asshole?
Hey, are they gonna let you in the ring?
Uh, yeah.

I can't believe it.
An unprotected
Look, I know things are weird right now,
but it's all good, okay?
What things? Things aren't weird.


I don't need to be here for this.

- Ruthie?
- Bye.


- Hey.

- Hi.

Look, can you just not
lie to me right now?
Like, I'm the last person
you need to lie to, okay?
- I'm not lying.

- Yeah, you are.

You know, if you don't want me here,
you can just fucking say it.

Look at that grip.

I'm sorry.

I'm drunk, um,
but this is important to me,
and you just, like
You know, sometimes, I feel
like you're the only person
that actually understands me, you know?
And I know this sounds,
like, monumentally stupid,
but I sort of always felt
like fate brought us together
or something, you know?
Like, maybe the worst night of my life
wasn't actually the
worst night of my life.

That is a
just a fucking dark thing to say.

- Fuck, Mingus.

- No, no, stop.

Damn it, I'm such an idiot.

This is why we suggest our wrestlers
douche before their matches.

I just wanted you to
have a good birthday.

All right, bitches.

Looks like we got somebody
in the audience celebrating
something special tonight.

Mingus, get on up here.

Come on, birthday girl.

Bring that pink, crispy,
fresh, little butthole up here.

Okay, birthday girl, so
you really want to fight?
Got anyone in mind, baby?
Uh, yeah.
Actually, I do.


Bumpy, whiskey, puffy, crunchy.

Get in that ring.

Not me at a party with
booze, drag wrestling,
and our fucking English teacher.

Let's go.
First one to pin the other
for three seconds wins.

Ring the bell.
Let's do this.


Come on.
Fight me.

You fucking coward.

Okay, Mingus, this is stupid.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look, I
don't want to hurt you.

Too late.

Hey, I just made a mistake.

What was the mistake? Ignoring me?
Fucking me? Saving my life, huh?
Hey, hey, hey, that's not what I meant.

So what did you mean, then, huh?
'Cause you've been pretty fucking vague.

What does "she's starting" even mean?
One, two, three.

We have a winner, everybody.

She is done, finished, and dead!
Let's go!
Not me at a party with booze,
drag wrestling, and our
fucking English teacher.

What a fucking shitshow.

So tell me again how that was easier
than just telling Mingus
you didn't want to be their boyfriend.

I couldn't do it.

I just
Makes me feel like I'm a good person.

It's kind of sad how a
teenager is the only one
who could look at me
with, like, high regard.

Good thing they figured
it out on their own.

Yeah, I'm a fucking mess.

Not a total mess.


Look, I have no experience with this.

Most of the time, I'm
pretty self-contained,
you know?
I've had to be.

So I don't really know
how to handle messiness.

What are you saying?
I've slept with a lot of guys.

I mean, more than some
people would think,
but you're the only man
I've ever woken up with.

And that scares me.

I have a proposition for you.

Oh, I can't do meth.
have a weak constitution.

You're so dumb.

If you promise to stop saying
that each time we have
sex is the last time,
then we don't have to
tell Brodie anything.

Maybe we don't have to
tell Brodie anything yet.




- He really never came, huh?
- Hmm.

Did you have fun at the party?
You want some cake?
Yes, please.

Oh, my God.

So what happened?
Mm, well
I realized
I am so my mother's daughter.

Mm, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Depends on the day.

But mostly a good thing.


Happy birthday, Mingus.

Happy birthday, me.

- It's really good.

- It is.

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