Queer as Folk (UK) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
& l wanted your love but l got uncertainty & Tried so hard to understand you & All the good it did me & Now the places that we knew & Remind me of how we were & Excuse me but we've had complaints about excessive perspiration.
- Could you please leave? - You cheeky sod, you.
- Orange juice? - With vodka.
& And do you ever think & Hi, Mum.
l suppose Marie's told you, she could never keep quiet.
- ls that new? - No, it's ages old.
l would've bought you that.
l buy you things and you never wear them.
- So what has he been saying? - Mm.
Oh, he's the expert now.
Apparently you can get a form from the town hall, no lawyers.
- You can get divorced for 45 quid.
- Don't you need a reason? How much did it cost? - l don't know, 80.
- 18? - 80.
- On a shirt? - He must've said why.
- l stopped listening a long time back.
Oh, and he's always got something to nag about.
Like Marie, Robert taking off like that.
Food and drink to him.
Nothing he likes more than a bit of trouble.
- What have you said? - Mm! l'm looking at flats.
Nice little place in Hale, l've kept meself in trim, l'll have a fine old time.
You could show me round.
You can be my guide.
Singles bars.
Sure you must know them all.
Come on, then, you haven't said a word.
How's it going? That date of yours, your new girlfriend.
Um, not so bad.
You're still seeing her, then? How long's that been now? What's her name? Rosalie, l'm with a customer.
Oh.
Sorry.
There's all sorts of benefits with the club card, sir.
Save up points, you can get air miles, weekend breaks.
- Are any benefits in-store? - What would you have in mind, sir? l just thought there might be the chance to shag one of the staff.
Exactly what kind of shag did sir have in mind? - l could get it to your car in 10 minutes.
- (Mobile) This goes well beyond my job description.
And he didn't pay for it.
lf he said he did, he's lying.
lt's all on insurance.
Hold on a minute.
- Hiya.
- We're going out.
lt's student night at Paradise.
lt's time l had an educated shag.
l can't.
l'm busy.
'You're never busy.
Oh, yeah, right, Cameron.
' - (Horn blasts) - Fuck off! Vince, you've got to.
My parents are off their fucking heads! (Groans) He was dancing like a twat.
He looks nice and then he started dancing like a fucking twat.
Oh, yeah.
(Laughing) l'll put him to bed.
You drive home.
l'll be round in 20 minutes.
And it's bonus points, remember.
l should've gone for that two-for-one on Nescafé.
Vince! Vince! Help me! Jesus Christ, help me.
They're gonna kill me! They've got knives and everything.
- They're gonna kill me! - Who? No one, it's just a good entrance.
Look, it's me! l'm back, l'm home.
Rodrigo went mad.
Chucked me out.
Chased me round Balham with a gun.
- What about your job? - l binned it.
Put me on a Saturday night shift.
Saturday night and me - me, a homosexual.
- Can l stay at yours? - Yeah, but l was staying at Cameron's.
Um, this is Cameron.
Cameron, Alexander.
We've met.
l was at Philip Delaney's funeral.
Oh, Australian, very nice.
Down under, didgeridoos, mammals with pouches.
Loads of material, fab.
Can we go? You sort this lot out, l'll see you tomorrow.
Ooh, don't mind me.
(Horn blasts) - Oh! - Ooh, are you all right? See you tomorrow.
l turn my back for a second.
Vincent Tyler, is that or is that not a boyfriend? lt's not boyfriend-boyfriend.
We're just having a laugh.
He's a boyfriend, you liar.
Boyfriend.
Capital B.
He is not.
He's just a bloke, that's all.
- Looked like a boyfriend to me.
- Oh, give it a rest.
Then tell me.
When you have a wank, do you think about him? - What's that got to do with it? - Do you think about Cameron? - No.
- Congratulations, he's your boyfriend.
- l suppose.
- Oh, sound happy for God's sake.
- Good shag? - Magnificent shag.
Well, there you are, then.
l don't know.
lt's like - He's a bit non-scene.
- Ooh.
l mean, he comes out with me, he goes to Canal Street, but he's sort of outside it.
Sometimes he looks at me like l've been brought up by a pack of wolves.
Anyway.
Early days.
(Marie) So let me see - l can't say l'm feeling gay, l can't say anything's bent or queer and l can't put my feet on the pouf.
(Stuart) Just don't think you're funny cos you're not.
And talk to him.
l've talked myself to death, it's your turn.
Go in and talk.
And l don't mean chat, l mean proper talk.
- How come you've got keys? - They're getting older, of course l got keys.
- Hello? - (Margaret) Careful, that's the carpet.
He paid for it, he can do what he likes with it.
- Boys not with you? - No, we'll have some peace.
- Who are they with? - No one, l left them playing on a cliff.
(Margaret) He's in the garden.
Don't mention the car.
- That noise in the boot set him off.
- Did he go to bed? Nervous stomach, threw up his tea, in bed before Watchdog.
- lt's looking good.
- Should do.
How's things? Ah.
You busy? Yeah.
(Sighs) Good.
(Grunting) There's a fork there.
Unless that gear's too expensive for digging.
(Horn beeps twice) Oh.
Good timing.
Blimey.
How many have you done? lt's Bernie, he's saving up for a carburettor.
- Right.
So Mum, this is Cameron.
- We sort of met before.
- This is Bernie, the lodger.
- lt's not a carburettor, it's a crankshaft.
And Nathan, lodger number two.
l'm not a lodger, l'm a refugee.
Don't cross me off, Beefy, there's more to come.
- So.
Accountant, he says.
- That's right.
This is all cash in hand so don't go sniffing about.
l won't say a word.
Own house? Yes.
Own car? - Yes.
- He's got his own teeth as well.
They've made Poli-Grip all but invisible.
Right, Bernard? You cheeky tart.
All right, then, Cameron.
You'll do.
Hey, lrene, our Vincent's got himself a fella.
Oh, very nice too.
ls it buggery, l'm getting old.
These boxes won't shift themselves.
ls she like that with all your boyfriends? What boyfriends? You're the first.
Right, are you having tea? None of that Earl Grey nonsense, it's plain old tea bags.
What do you mean exactly, tea bags? What do you mean, what do l mean? Tea bags, tea in a bag, a bag full of tea.
Oh, right, that's quite good.
We did this sort of thing on walkabout in the bush.
We'd suspend tea leaves in the membrane sac of a newborn koala.
lt tasted nice.
ln a meaty sort of a way.
You're kidding me.
Yep.
- (All laughing) - lt's all right, l knew.
You can stay.
Nathan, did you get the docket? - Yeah.
- Check it, they'll rob you blind.
l've had loads of boyfriends.
- Like who? - Simon Harris, for starters.
- You didn't like him.
- And Darren Griffiths.
- He didn't like you.
- And Dominic Baxter.
- He stole all your money! - Yeah, Mum, thanks.
l'm just saying there's been loads.
You don't know everything about me.
- Nathan, you had a boyfriend? - l'm only 15.
For a moment there l thought you were the voice of experience.
Obviously not.
Right, set it in here.
Now, l'll hold and you take that yoke off there.
Right.
Welll suppose you've heard? Yeah.
Yeah, well, it's, uh we've changed our minds.
lt's that endowment policy.
Matured last month.
Might as well use it.
We looked at the sums but divorce would've eaten it up.
So, your mother's made the booking.
Paris, next month.
Right.
ls that it? ls that all it was? This week's game? Well, keeps her busy.
What about Marie? You know, she's been worried sick.
She's got the kids to look after and Fine.
Fine.
Why am l surprised? You just enjoy yourself, all right? You just enjoy yourself, waste our time, it's fine! They're turning into lunatics.
Sitting in that house like they're just bored! lf ever there was an argument against settling down! Stay married for 33 years, anyone'll end up like that.
lf you spent more time with them Learn their language, Stuart.
The boys'll be home soon.
- Things to do.
- See you, then.
You could tell them you're gay.
They're not gonna drop dead and if they do, we get the house.
Even if l was shagging lots of women, it's none of their business.
But l've seen you, you're so bloody proud.
- How come they don't fit into that? - You can't talk to them.
How long did it take you to tell them Robert was leaving? He was halfway down the M6.
But l did tell them in the end.
What was l gonna do, lie for the rest of my life? Fuck off, Marie.
Fuck off yourself.
l did warn you.
Call round my mother's and you get a list of shopping.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
- Did you get the felt pens? - What does she need felt pens for? God knows what goes on in Hazel World.
Last Christmas this bloke promised her tinsel, 10p a truckload.
lt all went wrong and she ended up with half a ton of coffee.
Oh, would you look at that? Hello! Hello! - (Couple chatting) - Hello! l said hello! l said hello! Oi! l said hello, look at me! l said hello! That's right, Hazel had half a ton of coffee in the shed.
By August it was solid.
Bernie had to chip it out.
Fuck 'em! Just fuck 'em! His mum and dad.
& lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady & lf you're ready, oh-oh & What is she like? Here we go, Janice, what you having? - l'll get them.
- No, first one's on me.
- Hello, love, you all right? - Who's that? - His mother.
- You're kidding! And Marie, like she's all concerned.
Remember when she was 1 7? ''l know about you.
'' ''l've seen your magazines.
l'm gonna tell Mum and Dad.
'' l had to fucking pay her.
Drink? So what's the problem? Long story.
There's an idea, Nathan.
You get them in.
You get twice what l earn.
- What are you doing? - l'm out for a drink.
lt's allowed.
l was just telling your mother - best day of my life.
My son came out, l find all this.
lt's not just for you, Nathan.
- You're shaming me.
- l'm with Hazel, l'm not bothering you.
You're following me around.
lt's shaming.
- We're going.
- Drinks for a quid at Manto's.
Shut up, don't.
She's made the effort.
She got a new skirt.
Listen to her, Jiminy Cricket.
Nathan, one drink! Fuck 'em.
Just fuck 'em! & lf you're ready steady lf you're ready & Give it time.
Vince used to be embarrassed every time l came out.
He still is some nights but that's Bacardi for you.
l've got me drink, l'm staying and l'll keep coming back.
l won't give up on him.
l'll keep coming back.
& Oh yeah, jump up and yell & lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady & - Piss off, Christian! - Hear that, boys? He told me to piss off.
Nathan Maloney can swear.
Tell us the rest, everyone says you've left home.
What happened? Your mother been shagging about? - Shut up! - You're just so wrong! Cos l've shafted her.
She was begging.
She'd screw a dog, your mother.
Ah, did Nathan run away? Poor little boy, cos his father can't get it up? What's the matter, Nathan? She ask you to give her one? - (Horn blaring) - (Stuart) Fuck off, kid! That's my lift.
See you.
- l'm taking you home.
- Brilliant.
Hazel's making pizza.
She's cooking it herself.
- She's got this recipe - l said home.
Twat! Go on, give them a chance.
- l'm still going back to Hazel's.
- Your mother and father know.
You've got no idea how lucky you are.
Go and argue, go and shout, go and watch telly with them.
l don't care, just get in there.
lf l do can l have another shag? Cheeky.
Good luck.
What the fuck? (Tyres squealing) Jesus Christ! What the fuck do you think you're doing?! - Oh, shit.
- lt's my dad! Nathan, get in that house.
He's 15 years old.
He's 15! That boy is 15! So? The Jeep's only six months old and you've still buggered it.
- You bastard! - l'm warning you.
Nine, nine - One more nine and the police - Call them.
Tell them what you did to a 15-year-old boy.
Good point.
- What are you doing? - What l should've done ages ago.
This is him, is it? Stuart, Stuart Jones? For God's sake, don't be so stupid! Janice, take him inside.
Take him inside right now! Take him in and lock him in the closet.
You little bastard, you little bloody bastard Have you seen the car? Mum, have you seen the car? Helen, get back in the house.
Go inside, everybody, please go inside the bloody house! What's he done? What's Nathan done? Bastard! Get inside.
Get inside! Coming back? You want some more? Cos you can have some more.
You can have plenty! - You little bastard! - Roy, sweetheart, less of the little.
And he's like, ''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' My dad's got this face like he's exploding.
And if he bursts a blood vessel on this suit, he's dead.
''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' l'm phoning your mother.
Someone has to.
Nathan Maloney, you're a lucky bastard.
First you invent a violent father, then you actually get one.
- How's that lucky? - Long story.
''15, 15 years old!'' - lt's early, Stuart.
Time yet for an encore.
- What's that supposed to mean? You've taken a family and torn it apart.
What's next? lt wasn't his fault, be fair.
He was trying to get him home.
How come he wasn't home in the first place? - l was doing the right thing.
- He was helping.
Yeah.
Driving up in that bloody Jeep for all the world to see.
- Subtle.
- Ooh.
Now, now, girls, time out.
Shut your face.
Let's have a scrap.
Never mind his parents if you've got a good story.
They're coming from the other side of the world now to have a go at me.
(Mobile) What? (Romey) 'Where have you been? lf you returned one call' Look, the day l've had.
l've been attacked.
Yeah.
Can you come round? lt's quite important.
l can't.
The Jeep's a write-off, l'll see Alfred tomorrow.
And these bastards have no sympathy.
- 'Stuart' - lt's Nathan's fault.
- l tried to help, won't bother next time.
- 'Stuart!' l'm getting married.
What the fuck do you mean? l'll phone and get the table for later.
Better cancel.
My visa is running out.
lf l get married and we convince the Home Office it's a proper relationship, l can stay - it's that simple.
And Romey offered, l didn't ask her.
lt's just a certificate, it doesn't mean anything.
l didn't say it did.
Why is everyone having a go at me? - Just look at you.
- Of course you're worried, Stu.
l mean, there's Alfred.
- What about him? - l'll have to live here full time.
l've checked up.
The Home Office can investigate whenever they want.
So l'll be here permanently.
l got no choice.
- But you're his father.
- Who said l wasn't? You could be here just as much as me.
lf you made the effort.
- Sorry, do you mind? Starving.
- Help yourself.
- What was it again? - Cameron.
l guess you've known Stuart and Vince for ages.
Far too long.
Has it always been like this? Vince running after him? lt's the greatest love story never told.
Long after you're gone, he'll still have Vince.
Stuart's little acolyte, poor sod.
But Vince can wait all he likes, that shag's never gonna happen.
Shit.
You're with Vince.
Yeah.
Shit.
Easy mistake.
Stuart and Vince.
l mean he loves him, they're friends.
l love my friends, don't you? That's all it is - friendship.
lt's not as if l didn't know.
There's some cambazola in the fridge, help yourself.
Have it all.
& You can say what you want & Vince.
Not you.
& l feel the same about you & And you can tell me you're leaving but it won't change my feelings & (Horn toots) l've been to see Frank, he's back in the hospital.
l thought l'd just, uh Anyway, you've got your hands full.
Alfred.
He's Romey's.
She's having a party, l said l'd look after him.
All that cigarette smoke and stuff.
- She leaves a baby with you? - Yeah.
How is he? Frank? Oh, he's all right.
Look, areare we standing here or? Yeah.
Sorry.
Must cost a bit, this place.
l can afford it.
Overdrawn? No.
(Alfred gurgles) Suppose you think we're mad.
Completely.
lt wasn't a joke.
The divorce.
l did think about it.
l'm only 55.
l could do anything.
You'd fall apart without each other.
No, l don't think we would.
Well, you know what she's like, l mean (Sighs) lt's not easy.
(Alfred crying) Look at him.
He wants out.
Come on, wee man.
There we go.
You're all right.
Marie's been on the phone, having a go.
One thing l give your sister, she says what she thinks.
Yeah, then she says it all again.
You've not done this before, have you? You'd have had him stay there all night.
Little fella.
She leaves her baby with you? - She's a friend.
- She must be a very good friend.
- She's not that sort of friend.
- Stuart, l didn't think that for a second.
Your mother and me, it's no wonder we ended up like this.
lt's like we've said everything there is to say.
Then again, l don't think we've said anything at all.
lf ever lf ever there's anything that Like what? l'm keeping you, l'd best be going.
You be careful with him, now.
lf you can't get him to sleep, your sister will tell you what to do.
l'm late, your mother'll be nagging me.
She has this thing about me driving at night.
l suppose as long as she's nagging, she's worried about me.
That's something, l suppose.
Pick him up first thing, mind.
l'm in the small claims court at ten.
(& Karen Ramirez: l Didn't Know l Was Looking For Love) & Didn't know l was looking for love & l was alone thinking l was just fine & l wasn't looking for anyone to be mine & l thought love was just a fabrication & A train that wouldn't stop at my station & Home alone, that was my consignment & Solitary confinement & So when we met l was skirting around you & Didn't know l was looking for love & Until l found you, found you & l know, it's been bothering me.
What are we gonna do? - About what? - Vince's birthday.
Depends if l'm still here.
What is it, a family? All those people gathered around, your own little make-believe family.
You even had a baby just to finish it off.
lf you think that's a family, you're fucked.
lt's sex.
lt's always sex with you.
Everything you do is sex.
What do you think Vince is there for? He's my friend.
He's just waiting.
He's been waiting so long he thinks he's happy.
Being with you every day of his life is as close as he's going to get.
- Close to what? - To the day you finally fuck him.
And don't tell me you didn't know that.
Look, l could go.
l could just walk away.
l don't think he'd even notice.
But he's worth the chance.
He deserves the chance, doesn't he? So what am l supposed to do? Leave him alone, if you are any sort of a friend.
Cos there's no such thing as Vince.
He doesn't exist on his own, you don't let him.
And l like him.
So maybe l'm stupid.
But l really like him.
(& Blondie: One Way Or Another)
- Could you please leave? - You cheeky sod, you.
- Orange juice? - With vodka.
& And do you ever think & Hi, Mum.
l suppose Marie's told you, she could never keep quiet.
- ls that new? - No, it's ages old.
l would've bought you that.
l buy you things and you never wear them.
- So what has he been saying? - Mm.
Oh, he's the expert now.
Apparently you can get a form from the town hall, no lawyers.
- You can get divorced for 45 quid.
- Don't you need a reason? How much did it cost? - l don't know, 80.
- 18? - 80.
- On a shirt? - He must've said why.
- l stopped listening a long time back.
Oh, and he's always got something to nag about.
Like Marie, Robert taking off like that.
Food and drink to him.
Nothing he likes more than a bit of trouble.
- What have you said? - Mm! l'm looking at flats.
Nice little place in Hale, l've kept meself in trim, l'll have a fine old time.
You could show me round.
You can be my guide.
Singles bars.
Sure you must know them all.
Come on, then, you haven't said a word.
How's it going? That date of yours, your new girlfriend.
Um, not so bad.
You're still seeing her, then? How long's that been now? What's her name? Rosalie, l'm with a customer.
Oh.
Sorry.
There's all sorts of benefits with the club card, sir.
Save up points, you can get air miles, weekend breaks.
- Are any benefits in-store? - What would you have in mind, sir? l just thought there might be the chance to shag one of the staff.
Exactly what kind of shag did sir have in mind? - l could get it to your car in 10 minutes.
- (Mobile) This goes well beyond my job description.
And he didn't pay for it.
lf he said he did, he's lying.
lt's all on insurance.
Hold on a minute.
- Hiya.
- We're going out.
lt's student night at Paradise.
lt's time l had an educated shag.
l can't.
l'm busy.
'You're never busy.
Oh, yeah, right, Cameron.
' - (Horn blasts) - Fuck off! Vince, you've got to.
My parents are off their fucking heads! (Groans) He was dancing like a twat.
He looks nice and then he started dancing like a fucking twat.
Oh, yeah.
(Laughing) l'll put him to bed.
You drive home.
l'll be round in 20 minutes.
And it's bonus points, remember.
l should've gone for that two-for-one on Nescafé.
Vince! Vince! Help me! Jesus Christ, help me.
They're gonna kill me! They've got knives and everything.
- They're gonna kill me! - Who? No one, it's just a good entrance.
Look, it's me! l'm back, l'm home.
Rodrigo went mad.
Chucked me out.
Chased me round Balham with a gun.
- What about your job? - l binned it.
Put me on a Saturday night shift.
Saturday night and me - me, a homosexual.
- Can l stay at yours? - Yeah, but l was staying at Cameron's.
Um, this is Cameron.
Cameron, Alexander.
We've met.
l was at Philip Delaney's funeral.
Oh, Australian, very nice.
Down under, didgeridoos, mammals with pouches.
Loads of material, fab.
Can we go? You sort this lot out, l'll see you tomorrow.
Ooh, don't mind me.
(Horn blasts) - Oh! - Ooh, are you all right? See you tomorrow.
l turn my back for a second.
Vincent Tyler, is that or is that not a boyfriend? lt's not boyfriend-boyfriend.
We're just having a laugh.
He's a boyfriend, you liar.
Boyfriend.
Capital B.
He is not.
He's just a bloke, that's all.
- Looked like a boyfriend to me.
- Oh, give it a rest.
Then tell me.
When you have a wank, do you think about him? - What's that got to do with it? - Do you think about Cameron? - No.
- Congratulations, he's your boyfriend.
- l suppose.
- Oh, sound happy for God's sake.
- Good shag? - Magnificent shag.
Well, there you are, then.
l don't know.
lt's like - He's a bit non-scene.
- Ooh.
l mean, he comes out with me, he goes to Canal Street, but he's sort of outside it.
Sometimes he looks at me like l've been brought up by a pack of wolves.
Anyway.
Early days.
(Marie) So let me see - l can't say l'm feeling gay, l can't say anything's bent or queer and l can't put my feet on the pouf.
(Stuart) Just don't think you're funny cos you're not.
And talk to him.
l've talked myself to death, it's your turn.
Go in and talk.
And l don't mean chat, l mean proper talk.
- How come you've got keys? - They're getting older, of course l got keys.
- Hello? - (Margaret) Careful, that's the carpet.
He paid for it, he can do what he likes with it.
- Boys not with you? - No, we'll have some peace.
- Who are they with? - No one, l left them playing on a cliff.
(Margaret) He's in the garden.
Don't mention the car.
- That noise in the boot set him off.
- Did he go to bed? Nervous stomach, threw up his tea, in bed before Watchdog.
- lt's looking good.
- Should do.
How's things? Ah.
You busy? Yeah.
(Sighs) Good.
(Grunting) There's a fork there.
Unless that gear's too expensive for digging.
(Horn beeps twice) Oh.
Good timing.
Blimey.
How many have you done? lt's Bernie, he's saving up for a carburettor.
- Right.
So Mum, this is Cameron.
- We sort of met before.
- This is Bernie, the lodger.
- lt's not a carburettor, it's a crankshaft.
And Nathan, lodger number two.
l'm not a lodger, l'm a refugee.
Don't cross me off, Beefy, there's more to come.
- So.
Accountant, he says.
- That's right.
This is all cash in hand so don't go sniffing about.
l won't say a word.
Own house? Yes.
Own car? - Yes.
- He's got his own teeth as well.
They've made Poli-Grip all but invisible.
Right, Bernard? You cheeky tart.
All right, then, Cameron.
You'll do.
Hey, lrene, our Vincent's got himself a fella.
Oh, very nice too.
ls it buggery, l'm getting old.
These boxes won't shift themselves.
ls she like that with all your boyfriends? What boyfriends? You're the first.
Right, are you having tea? None of that Earl Grey nonsense, it's plain old tea bags.
What do you mean exactly, tea bags? What do you mean, what do l mean? Tea bags, tea in a bag, a bag full of tea.
Oh, right, that's quite good.
We did this sort of thing on walkabout in the bush.
We'd suspend tea leaves in the membrane sac of a newborn koala.
lt tasted nice.
ln a meaty sort of a way.
You're kidding me.
Yep.
- (All laughing) - lt's all right, l knew.
You can stay.
Nathan, did you get the docket? - Yeah.
- Check it, they'll rob you blind.
l've had loads of boyfriends.
- Like who? - Simon Harris, for starters.
- You didn't like him.
- And Darren Griffiths.
- He didn't like you.
- And Dominic Baxter.
- He stole all your money! - Yeah, Mum, thanks.
l'm just saying there's been loads.
You don't know everything about me.
- Nathan, you had a boyfriend? - l'm only 15.
For a moment there l thought you were the voice of experience.
Obviously not.
Right, set it in here.
Now, l'll hold and you take that yoke off there.
Right.
Welll suppose you've heard? Yeah.
Yeah, well, it's, uh we've changed our minds.
lt's that endowment policy.
Matured last month.
Might as well use it.
We looked at the sums but divorce would've eaten it up.
So, your mother's made the booking.
Paris, next month.
Right.
ls that it? ls that all it was? This week's game? Well, keeps her busy.
What about Marie? You know, she's been worried sick.
She's got the kids to look after and Fine.
Fine.
Why am l surprised? You just enjoy yourself, all right? You just enjoy yourself, waste our time, it's fine! They're turning into lunatics.
Sitting in that house like they're just bored! lf ever there was an argument against settling down! Stay married for 33 years, anyone'll end up like that.
lf you spent more time with them Learn their language, Stuart.
The boys'll be home soon.
- Things to do.
- See you, then.
You could tell them you're gay.
They're not gonna drop dead and if they do, we get the house.
Even if l was shagging lots of women, it's none of their business.
But l've seen you, you're so bloody proud.
- How come they don't fit into that? - You can't talk to them.
How long did it take you to tell them Robert was leaving? He was halfway down the M6.
But l did tell them in the end.
What was l gonna do, lie for the rest of my life? Fuck off, Marie.
Fuck off yourself.
l did warn you.
Call round my mother's and you get a list of shopping.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
- Did you get the felt pens? - What does she need felt pens for? God knows what goes on in Hazel World.
Last Christmas this bloke promised her tinsel, 10p a truckload.
lt all went wrong and she ended up with half a ton of coffee.
Oh, would you look at that? Hello! Hello! - (Couple chatting) - Hello! l said hello! l said hello! Oi! l said hello, look at me! l said hello! That's right, Hazel had half a ton of coffee in the shed.
By August it was solid.
Bernie had to chip it out.
Fuck 'em! Just fuck 'em! His mum and dad.
& lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady & lf you're ready, oh-oh & What is she like? Here we go, Janice, what you having? - l'll get them.
- No, first one's on me.
- Hello, love, you all right? - Who's that? - His mother.
- You're kidding! And Marie, like she's all concerned.
Remember when she was 1 7? ''l know about you.
'' ''l've seen your magazines.
l'm gonna tell Mum and Dad.
'' l had to fucking pay her.
Drink? So what's the problem? Long story.
There's an idea, Nathan.
You get them in.
You get twice what l earn.
- What are you doing? - l'm out for a drink.
lt's allowed.
l was just telling your mother - best day of my life.
My son came out, l find all this.
lt's not just for you, Nathan.
- You're shaming me.
- l'm with Hazel, l'm not bothering you.
You're following me around.
lt's shaming.
- We're going.
- Drinks for a quid at Manto's.
Shut up, don't.
She's made the effort.
She got a new skirt.
Listen to her, Jiminy Cricket.
Nathan, one drink! Fuck 'em.
Just fuck 'em! & lf you're ready steady lf you're ready & Give it time.
Vince used to be embarrassed every time l came out.
He still is some nights but that's Bacardi for you.
l've got me drink, l'm staying and l'll keep coming back.
l won't give up on him.
l'll keep coming back.
& Oh yeah, jump up and yell & lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady & - Piss off, Christian! - Hear that, boys? He told me to piss off.
Nathan Maloney can swear.
Tell us the rest, everyone says you've left home.
What happened? Your mother been shagging about? - Shut up! - You're just so wrong! Cos l've shafted her.
She was begging.
She'd screw a dog, your mother.
Ah, did Nathan run away? Poor little boy, cos his father can't get it up? What's the matter, Nathan? She ask you to give her one? - (Horn blaring) - (Stuart) Fuck off, kid! That's my lift.
See you.
- l'm taking you home.
- Brilliant.
Hazel's making pizza.
She's cooking it herself.
- She's got this recipe - l said home.
Twat! Go on, give them a chance.
- l'm still going back to Hazel's.
- Your mother and father know.
You've got no idea how lucky you are.
Go and argue, go and shout, go and watch telly with them.
l don't care, just get in there.
lf l do can l have another shag? Cheeky.
Good luck.
What the fuck? (Tyres squealing) Jesus Christ! What the fuck do you think you're doing?! - Oh, shit.
- lt's my dad! Nathan, get in that house.
He's 15 years old.
He's 15! That boy is 15! So? The Jeep's only six months old and you've still buggered it.
- You bastard! - l'm warning you.
Nine, nine - One more nine and the police - Call them.
Tell them what you did to a 15-year-old boy.
Good point.
- What are you doing? - What l should've done ages ago.
This is him, is it? Stuart, Stuart Jones? For God's sake, don't be so stupid! Janice, take him inside.
Take him inside right now! Take him in and lock him in the closet.
You little bastard, you little bloody bastard Have you seen the car? Mum, have you seen the car? Helen, get back in the house.
Go inside, everybody, please go inside the bloody house! What's he done? What's Nathan done? Bastard! Get inside.
Get inside! Coming back? You want some more? Cos you can have some more.
You can have plenty! - You little bastard! - Roy, sweetheart, less of the little.
And he's like, ''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' My dad's got this face like he's exploding.
And if he bursts a blood vessel on this suit, he's dead.
''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' l'm phoning your mother.
Someone has to.
Nathan Maloney, you're a lucky bastard.
First you invent a violent father, then you actually get one.
- How's that lucky? - Long story.
''15, 15 years old!'' - lt's early, Stuart.
Time yet for an encore.
- What's that supposed to mean? You've taken a family and torn it apart.
What's next? lt wasn't his fault, be fair.
He was trying to get him home.
How come he wasn't home in the first place? - l was doing the right thing.
- He was helping.
Yeah.
Driving up in that bloody Jeep for all the world to see.
- Subtle.
- Ooh.
Now, now, girls, time out.
Shut your face.
Let's have a scrap.
Never mind his parents if you've got a good story.
They're coming from the other side of the world now to have a go at me.
(Mobile) What? (Romey) 'Where have you been? lf you returned one call' Look, the day l've had.
l've been attacked.
Yeah.
Can you come round? lt's quite important.
l can't.
The Jeep's a write-off, l'll see Alfred tomorrow.
And these bastards have no sympathy.
- 'Stuart' - lt's Nathan's fault.
- l tried to help, won't bother next time.
- 'Stuart!' l'm getting married.
What the fuck do you mean? l'll phone and get the table for later.
Better cancel.
My visa is running out.
lf l get married and we convince the Home Office it's a proper relationship, l can stay - it's that simple.
And Romey offered, l didn't ask her.
lt's just a certificate, it doesn't mean anything.
l didn't say it did.
Why is everyone having a go at me? - Just look at you.
- Of course you're worried, Stu.
l mean, there's Alfred.
- What about him? - l'll have to live here full time.
l've checked up.
The Home Office can investigate whenever they want.
So l'll be here permanently.
l got no choice.
- But you're his father.
- Who said l wasn't? You could be here just as much as me.
lf you made the effort.
- Sorry, do you mind? Starving.
- Help yourself.
- What was it again? - Cameron.
l guess you've known Stuart and Vince for ages.
Far too long.
Has it always been like this? Vince running after him? lt's the greatest love story never told.
Long after you're gone, he'll still have Vince.
Stuart's little acolyte, poor sod.
But Vince can wait all he likes, that shag's never gonna happen.
Shit.
You're with Vince.
Yeah.
Shit.
Easy mistake.
Stuart and Vince.
l mean he loves him, they're friends.
l love my friends, don't you? That's all it is - friendship.
lt's not as if l didn't know.
There's some cambazola in the fridge, help yourself.
Have it all.
& You can say what you want & Vince.
Not you.
& l feel the same about you & And you can tell me you're leaving but it won't change my feelings & (Horn toots) l've been to see Frank, he's back in the hospital.
l thought l'd just, uh Anyway, you've got your hands full.
Alfred.
He's Romey's.
She's having a party, l said l'd look after him.
All that cigarette smoke and stuff.
- She leaves a baby with you? - Yeah.
How is he? Frank? Oh, he's all right.
Look, areare we standing here or? Yeah.
Sorry.
Must cost a bit, this place.
l can afford it.
Overdrawn? No.
(Alfred gurgles) Suppose you think we're mad.
Completely.
lt wasn't a joke.
The divorce.
l did think about it.
l'm only 55.
l could do anything.
You'd fall apart without each other.
No, l don't think we would.
Well, you know what she's like, l mean (Sighs) lt's not easy.
(Alfred crying) Look at him.
He wants out.
Come on, wee man.
There we go.
You're all right.
Marie's been on the phone, having a go.
One thing l give your sister, she says what she thinks.
Yeah, then she says it all again.
You've not done this before, have you? You'd have had him stay there all night.
Little fella.
She leaves her baby with you? - She's a friend.
- She must be a very good friend.
- She's not that sort of friend.
- Stuart, l didn't think that for a second.
Your mother and me, it's no wonder we ended up like this.
lt's like we've said everything there is to say.
Then again, l don't think we've said anything at all.
lf ever lf ever there's anything that Like what? l'm keeping you, l'd best be going.
You be careful with him, now.
lf you can't get him to sleep, your sister will tell you what to do.
l'm late, your mother'll be nagging me.
She has this thing about me driving at night.
l suppose as long as she's nagging, she's worried about me.
That's something, l suppose.
Pick him up first thing, mind.
l'm in the small claims court at ten.
(& Karen Ramirez: l Didn't Know l Was Looking For Love) & Didn't know l was looking for love & l was alone thinking l was just fine & l wasn't looking for anyone to be mine & l thought love was just a fabrication & A train that wouldn't stop at my station & Home alone, that was my consignment & Solitary confinement & So when we met l was skirting around you & Didn't know l was looking for love & Until l found you, found you & l know, it's been bothering me.
What are we gonna do? - About what? - Vince's birthday.
Depends if l'm still here.
What is it, a family? All those people gathered around, your own little make-believe family.
You even had a baby just to finish it off.
lf you think that's a family, you're fucked.
lt's sex.
lt's always sex with you.
Everything you do is sex.
What do you think Vince is there for? He's my friend.
He's just waiting.
He's been waiting so long he thinks he's happy.
Being with you every day of his life is as close as he's going to get.
- Close to what? - To the day you finally fuck him.
And don't tell me you didn't know that.
Look, l could go.
l could just walk away.
l don't think he'd even notice.
But he's worth the chance.
He deserves the chance, doesn't he? So what am l supposed to do? Leave him alone, if you are any sort of a friend.
Cos there's no such thing as Vince.
He doesn't exist on his own, you don't let him.
And l like him.
So maybe l'm stupid.
But l really like him.
(& Blondie: One Way Or Another)