Rake (2010) s03e03 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 3
Barney has cancer.
What sort of cancer? Fuck! Why didn't somebody tell me? It's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Every day is a blessing.
You were in prison.
So what? You just decided to steal my secretary and my entire client base? They want to make a movie about Josh and me.
Who's 'they'? Ron Howard's company.
Oh, sh Tikki! Hello, Cal.
Here's what I think we need you to do.
You're going to host a new television program, mostly gambling and scandal.
You're my rock.
You're my port in a storm.
You're my soulmate.
That's just a shipwreck.
Oh, fuck! Why do you think I'm here? I can get any damn QC in the world to make a good argument and quote the act, chapter and verse.
What I need is someone who is prepared to play beyond the rules, someone who can say 'mammophile' without flinching, someone to bring fireworks to this case.
Who can bring the circus and the carnival to court.
I need someone who can bring top-secret, inadmissible, highly prejudicial evidence before a jury.
Do you think you can do that? Maybe .
.
if the price is right.
For the hundredth time, Clarice, I don't swing that way.
I love you, but only as a friend.
You have to understand that.
I'm in love with Josh.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm off the meth.
I only do coke on weekends.
I mean, what more do you want from me? What will it take for you to understand how I feel about you, Melissa? Clarice, Melissa and I are getting married.
OK, I'll do it, Josh, on one condition.
What's that? Let me give the bride away.
Oh, wasn't Cate just amazing? Oh, yeah.
She brought out my inner lesbian perfectly.
Shall we change the subject? What to? Well, how's your work coming along? Great.
I'm a legal pariah, and your stupid, fucking film's only going to make matters worse, isn't it? Next question? Oh, God, look who's here.
Is she a pal of yours? I think one of her companies may have invested in the film.
Yeah, that'd be right.
She invests in a lot of shit, doesn't she? Mm.
Hello.
Welcome.
What are we looking at here? This is our take on pizza.
Our take on pizza? Please don't start.
Our take on You can't have a take on pizza.
Either it is pizza or it isn't, and this isn't.
See this? This is a slice of bread.
There is no pizza doughlike substance anywhere near this thing.
Look, you've got cheese, you've got some sort of tomato-based sauce.
Yeah, but that's not what makes it a pizza.
You can put any old shit you like on top of the pizza, make a terrible pizza, but it's still a pizza, because the thing that makes it a pizza is the base.
And that's why they're called pizzas.
Should I get you another drink? I tell you what - I'll get you a drink, but it'll be my take on white wine, which is Fanta.
Thank you.
That's my take on your take.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
Welcome.
Do you know her? What has got into you? You've turned into some sort of sexual truffle pig.
When this little piggy hasn't had a truffle for over 12 months, his snout gets very sensitive.
Oh, great.
Good evening, Clarice.
Oh, stop it! Missy will tell you that Clarice is an amalgam of all kinds of characters and ideas, won't she? Gertrude Stein, Chastity Bono, Melissa Etheridge.
I wouldn't be so cocky, cocky.
Your character was described as, quote, 'Totally gaybones'.
By your character - a deranged lesbian meth addict.
Please.
You guys are making a scene.
I'm not the one the papers are sniggering about, mate.
That is right-wing tabloid bullshit.
Oh, I know.
You want to take this outside? Yes! Let's take the fucker outside.
No! Come on! Yeah! No.
Nobody is going outside.
Everybody is staying in.
You are not going to ruin this night for me.
Yeah, Melissa is right.
We should stay in.
Except for Harry, who should come out.
I guess that's your take on 'going outside'.
Paulie! - Paulie.
- Is that you, Horny? I'm out.
Mate, you've gone through two bags already.
Jesus.
Hey, that was you, wasn't it? Who was the guy who knocked you out? Exactly.
You want a line? Oh You don't even know me, fellas.
Go on, Horny.
Give him a line.
OK, Paulie.
He looks like he could use one.
Yeah, he does.
Then let's go back to the party.
Is the cow still there? Mate, I just saw her leaving, I swear.
Who's the cow? My stepmother.
Tikki Wendon.
You're Tikki Wendon's stepson? God help me.
Enjoy.
Place your bets.
What you got, Paulie? Last bets.
No more bets.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Stick with me.
Stick with me for the evening.
This is as safe as houses.
Well done, sir.
Place your bets.
I love it.
That's going right there.
No numbers for you.
Come on, now.
That's the one.
I'd be popping them right there.
Popping them right there.
That's where it's going.
Oh! Oh, my God! Yes! It's not bad.
How much was that? $5,600.
Well done, sir.
$5,600.
New bet.
Place your bets.
Champagne! The stars were punching well above their weight last night at the opening of the new Cate Blanchett movie, Joshua, based on the life of goodplumbing.
com founder, Joshua Floyd.
At the party following the premiere, a Sydney lawyer, Cleaver Greene, found himself decked by New South Wales Opposition Leader, David Potter.
Come on, you guys, you'll be late.
Coming up Is Matty ready? Yeah.
And where's Rhett? Probably wanking.
Summer, don't be disgusting.
Well, he probably is! That's all he does at the moment.
Well, if that boy is mean to you again, my darling, you tell Mrs Elms, alright? Because what do we not condone? We do not condone bullying.
Alright, my darling.
Thanks, Rhetty.
Right.
There you go, sweetheart.
Pack it up, troops.
We must remember to send Greene some flowers.
Yeah.
Mate, these numbers are fucking gold.
You've got to beat more people up.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah? Yes.
That is much better than that Tinker Bell bullshit.
What Tinker Bell bullshit? There are a couple of cartoons.
What, with me as Yeah, as Tinker Bell, yeah.
I thought I was Harry Potter - you know, the glasses, the Online, they moved you to Tinker Bell.
What are they saying? What does it look like? It's just the glasses .
.
and the tutu.
And a broken wand, but there was no body per se.
A tutu? A broken wand? Everything's fine now, hey? Look at this.
You don't punch like you take it up the arse, hey? Look at that! We're back on this gay thing.
It's a Raging Bull quote.
It's not gay.
It's the tabloids.
You should have ditched the glasses after Derby Day at Randwick, like we said.
They didn't poll well.
Glasses are not gay, they're just they're just glasses! I've been wearing them since primary school.
Since when have we been polling glasses? My mum has had the laser.
It's been unbelievable.
The glasses were a big part of the problem.
That's how the Harry Potter stuff came up in the first place.
Cleaver Greene is how the fucking Harry Potter stuff came up.
Lord, we commend into your hands the spirit of your servant, Malcolm John Finnane.
Who are you? Cleaver Greene.
Oh.
Lord, Malcolm didn't have an easy life.
Malcolm told me a lot about you.
Malcolm didn't have an easy life, Lord, and When did you get out? Excuse me, young lady.
This is a funeral service for your brother.
I know, and this is a prayer, right? Indeed.
So you're talking to God, not me.
You have your conversation.
I'll have mine.
This man, unlike you, actually knew my brother.
He was in jail with him.
If anyone should be talking about Malcolm, it should be this man.
He had sex with Malcolm.
I did not! Malcolm told me you did.
Well, Malcolm was a little delusional in matters of romance.
Come on.
A lot of guys do things inside they wouldn't normally do.
He wanted to, but it never happened.
OK, sure.
What is wrong with Hey, is this about slipping on the soap? Did he tell you about Because I I I never slipped Not in the I never slipped.
He was very explicit.
Fantasists tend to be.
Jesus Christ.
I think we're we're done here.
Ah, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.
It's called coimetrophobia, by the way.
What? What is? Fear of cemeteries.
Do you have death issues? Ah, one or two .
.
mainly one.
It's those left behind who suffer, Mr Greene, not the dead.
Right.
So we should fear life more than we fear death? Obviously.
Ah.
I never thought about it like that.
You must be a riot at parties.
Ah, I know a lot of dead people.
Are you a mortician or something? Psychologist.
I specialise in addictions.
You know - drugs, alcohol, gambling.
Ah.
That must be fascinating for you.
This is what he wanted.
He was very specific.
Did he ever talk to you about God? No.
All these years, after everything he's been through, I never understood how he kept his faith.
I don't have a problem, OK? You lawyers are all the same, aren't you? You think your class is above the frailty of others.
First of all, I've been expelled from my class.
Alright? Second of all, yes, I was at a party.
Yeah, there may have been a few sprinkles.
What's the big deal? It wasn't just a few sprinkles, Cleaver - it was at least a gram and a half, maybe two.
That's not work for an amateur.
That takes a seasoned professional.
Are you some sort of a cocaine savant? Call me if you ever want a chat, OK? Yeah, right.
Don't throw away a second chance.
You're lucky to have one.
See ya.
OK.
Congratulations, Senior Counsel.
Thank you.
I'm very proud of you.
I hope that doesn't sound condescending.
It's not meant to.
It doesn't.
Good.
Ah, thank you.
Very kind.
Johnny, how's it hanging? Cleaver.
Pedro, all good your end? Cleaver.
Cleaver.
All good my end.
Fellas, how's it dangling? Cleaver.
Cleaver.
I told you you could come to the ceremony, not the house.
I couldn't make the ceremony.
David, it's over.
I know, I know.
Are you out of your mind? Jesus! Open your present.
Come on.
Silk for a silk.
Congratulations.
Sammy Cox is dealing with Marcel's side of things, of course, but the salient and little-known fact is that Laetitia's selling half of the restaurant.
- Are you in, Fred? - Fucking right I'm in for it.
It's only 150 grand each a pop.
For Christ's sake, you don't get an opportunity like that begging to go down on you every day.
Oh, don't be such a prick.
You spend that amount on batteries for your dildos each month.
OK, I'm in.
Oh, that's more like it.
Anybody else? Marcel's.
Marcel's.
I'm trying to remember.
It wasn't just the salmonella, so it wasn't just the puking.
It was the sort of incessant tide of Gallic flim-flam and wankery, the sort of 'noisette Napoleon, cote de boeuf de Gaulle de pommes de terre'.
Steak and chips.
Fuck me.
Ba-bam-bam Ba-bam-bam.
Invisible man, coming through.
Invisible man.
Whoa-ho-ho! Moncrieff, sit down! Ooh, sou'-wester.
Ladies.
Blue Man Group.
Yeah, baby.
Feel it and weep.
Yeah? Mate, it's Paulie.
Where are you? Paulie? Paulie You've forgotten, haven't you? You were so fucking wasted.
We were meant to have lunch today, make the transfer.
Make what transfer? Your winnings.
Horny and I thought you might leave them in the back of a cab, so we looked after them for you.
What winnings? Yeah, you were on fire, mate.
How much did I win? Grand, mate.
160 grand.
I'm in.
Sorry, Cleaver? Marcel's.
I'm in.
I can have a bank cheque for you tomorrow.
Steak and chips.
Yeah.
Dartnell Private Oncology.
Helen speaking.
Ooh, it's looking a little bit tricky, but I'll see if I can squeeze you in, poppet.
No, just doing my job, my love.
This is the best move you've ever made.
This will set you up.
Are you back on coke? What? Look, you've always told me not to piss my money up against a wall, but invest it.
Fred is the country's leading tax lawyer.
The man is genetically risk-averse.
If you were freezing to death, he would lease you the steam off his piss and claim it as a deduction.
He knows what he's doing.
So what are you going to live on? The way I see it, I've been given a second chance, and I don't want to blow it, alright? I'm ready to work again.
I will live on my earnings, and the restaurant can be my superannuation.
This is inspirational, Cleave.
This is the film they should be making.
Darling, why don't you throw a few cases Cleave's way? Yeah, I could do that if there's something you might be interested in.
Well, maybe some of the more grisly ones.
I know you're a little squeamish.
I could lighten your load.
This would not be about you lightening my load.
This would be about you being my junior counsel.
I'm an SC now.
It would be consistent work, Cleave.
Let me remind you that some of us have been in the legal game a little longer than others.
Oh, right.
Yet miraculously, you're still a junior counsel.
Go figure.
I just think this is fantastic.
This is the best day! I want to celebrate! I'm going for a run.
What is wrong with you? I'm going for a run.
Who are you? You went for a run this morning.
I'm going to Nicole's.
She needs a hand with something.
You drive to Nicole's! Nah! Barney, you need to rest your body after chemo.
Just drive, you fuckwit.
Why? I'm feeling fine.
Hey? I've never felt better.
Hey? Come on! Hey, did I tell you I'm doing the KMA Half Marathon? The what? The KMA.
I'm living, mate! Why don't you do it with me, Cleave? Come on, come on, embrace life.
Feel the blood pumping! Oh, yes.
You want to feel my aorta bursting? Come on, do it.
Yes? Yes? Is that a yes? Is that a nod? Come on, come on, come on Alright, mate, I'll be there.
I'll come and watch you kill yourself.
But if the doctor says, rest, you should fucking rest.
You people are soft.
Come on, live a little! Whee! When he's here, he's running to Nicole and when he's with Nicole, he's running back here.
He's got the gym and the school run, and now he wants to do this bloody half marathon.
It's going to kill him.
I know it, Nicole knows it.
What we don't know is if he's running away from death or running towards it.
So, Australia, you think you've seen it all until you find a piece of work like this.
A mother-of-three, a doctor's receptionist, one Helen Harwood, shaves her seven-year-old son's head and tells the world he has cancer, and she's done it twice, purely in order to scam Medicare to the tune of $400,000.
Now, this is a fraud of such proportions that the Labor Party must be considering Ms Harwood for preselection.
We've got to crack down on these welfare fraudsters, and I know how to.
But first, let's cross to the seventh at Doomben, where I hear Likely Lad is now at fours.
Tom? Numbers are holding, mate.
Remember, Dave - you're not just a man's man, but a bloke's bloke.
You won't back down.
He's not a bloke's bloke, is he? Now, you call yourself the Police Commissioner, do you not? I call you the Commissioner of Death, the Commissioner of Disgrace, the Commissioner who stands idly by whilst young Australians and other young people lucky enough to be allowed to live in this country are killing each other.
You are in effect the Commissioner of Blood, are you not? I'm Cal McGregor.
We'll be right back.
David Potter, thanks for finally agreeing to come onto the show.
Well, thanks for finally asking me, Cal.
So - welfare frauds.
You lot basically put out the welcome mat for them when you were in office.
Medicare is a Federal responsibility, not State.
I would have thought even a disgraced former Attorney-General would have known that.
You're willing to put out the welcome mat for welfare cheats, yet you're opposed to infrastructure reform.
Tikki Wendon's superbly imaginative plan to build an edifice rivalling the Opera House on the other side of the Harbour - billions of dollars of investment, thousands of jobs By 'edifice', you mean 'casino', right? Look, I will oppose both the Government and Tikki Wendon on this, and I won't back down.
My dad shot through because of his problem with gambling.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Food for thought, David Potter, if you're bulimic.
Now, the seventh at Dapto's about to kick off, and I hear Mere Avenger's looking special.
Tom? We're out, everyone.
Thanks, Potter.
That was good.
Hey, listen.
Tell me, I'm curious - what motivates you to get up and go to work in the morning? The naive belief that today's got to be better than yesterday.
I'll see you later.
Jesus! You right? Yep, I'm good.
Is that you, guys? Yes, it's us, boss.
Got to get that laser surgery.
I'll make the appointment.
Fucking poofter.
This isn't going to work.
This can't possibly work.
Well, you'd better make it work, because you need the work.
Anyway, you've been a junior before.
Yeah, Not for four years.
And those guys were actually What's the word again? Oh, yes - senior to me.
I'm not an errand boy.
She's going to want me to research stuff, find precedents, read actual judgements and legislature.
You know that's not my thing.
She's the prissy, methodical one.
She's the one Oh, Cleaver, will you shut up and face reality? What the fuck is this? Reality.
Yours is the third room on the left of reality.
You're kidding me.
Dump your stuff.
Scarlet would like you for a conference in five.
Oh.
Are you kidding me?! Oh, for the love of Helen Harwood, Scarlet Marx SC.
Engels.
Right.
Sorry - Engels.
Not Marx, not Lenin.
I knew it was one of them.
Don't put me in the gulag! Hi, I'm Helen.
How are you? Scarlet Engels.
How do you do? Please take a seat.
Thank you.
And this is Cleaver Greene.
Hi, I'm Helen.
How are you? Helen, lovely to meet you.
I love to bake.
Nothing like a muffin in the morning.
These are for you, Ms Engels.
And of course Mr Greene? Oh! Yum, yum.
And of course Mr Lincoln.
I know how much he likes them.
That's very kind of you, Ms Harwood, but let's get down to business.
Of course.
I know how precious your time is.
I hope we can get over this whole silly misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Right.
Um, Ms Harwood, it would appear that you have committed a complex and well thought-through fraud which has netted you almost $400,000.
You've claimed reimbursement for hundreds of medical procedures for your son which never took place, using your position as a medical receptionist to an oncologist to forge claim forms and reports.
Yes.
There has been some confusion with the forms.
$400,000 does not represent confusion, Ms Harwood, it represents fraud! OK.
Lincoln, why don't you take Helen downstairs for a jiffy and get her a nice cup of tea, and Ms Engels and I will have a little chat? Of course.
OK, not the most auspicious start.
Do you think? I don't have to like her.
But you can't hate her.
She has made her little boy pretend he has cancer.
Don't you hate her? You can't hate your clients, Red.
Why not? Because they're your livelihood, and sometimes - admittedly, rarely - they are actually innocent.
What's worse, occasionally, they turn out to be better people than we are.
Even some of the guilty ones? Especially some of the guilty ones.
Now, look, the woman clearly has a problem.
There's got to be a syndrome out there we can pin it on.
No, her best chance is to plead guilty and be full of remorse.
Tom Buckingham's running it for the DPP.
We're old mates.
We can do a deal.
Is this the way you run your practice - doing deals with old mates? What happened to good, old-fashioned advocacy? Cleaver, you and I both know that 95% of the people who come in here are guilty.
The best thing we can do for them is a deal.
I want you to go out and talk to her and find something to help me make that deal.
Alright? Priority one - find out what she's done with the money and if she can give it back.
Off you go.
Hmm? Oh! Oh, yes.
Dismissed, huh? Yes? Yes, you are.
You can send Lincoln back up.
Bon voyage.
Jawohl, mein Obergruppenfuhrer.
Matty's been so brave, haven't you, my darling? Yeah, I'll bet he has.
Where's your cancer, mate? Bones, grade-3.
Started in my left leg when I was four.
I've got to do some homework.
Is that alright, Mr Greene? Yeah.
Actually, I wouldn't mind a private word, Helen.
Rhett, look after your brother.
Alright.
Um .
.
you know you're looking at five years, don't you? Five years? Prison.
Prison? I can't go to prison.
Right.
Well, Ms Engels is very good at doing deals.
She can probably get it down to two for you, maybe even one if you can get the money back.
I told you - I can't go to prison.
Can you get the money back? Do you hear me? Helen.
What have you done with the money? I don't know anything about any money.
OK, look - this place isn't exactly a palace, and it's got a hefty mortgage.
The kids' school paid for the car.
I don't know.
Have you invested the money somewhere? Did you buy yourself some jewels? Is there a boat I need to know about? Helen, this has to stop.
Matty doesn't have cancer, does he? He's a healthy, seven-year-old boy who should be leading a healthy, seven-year-old life, but because of you, he thinks he's very sick.
You're hurting him.
You know that, don't you? How dare you.
I would never hurt him.
I love him more than anything in the world.
What have you done with the money? Get out.
We don't have time for I said, get out! OK, OK.
But Psst! Frog and Gnome.
The Congo is just so far! Yeah, I think that's part of the point, Mum.
There's enough poor people here to go around, surely.
Why have you got to go all the way to Africa? That's where the mission's sending us.
Why can't the mission send you to Brisbane? There are poor people in Brisbane.
It's just an hour away.
We could visit you there.
Mum, my bag is too small.
I told you that when we were shopping.
I know, I know.
Alright, take mine.
It's in my wardrobe.
Back left-hand side.
I can remember being desperate to go to London when I was a girl.
My father went on a long business trip there, and he brought me back the most beautiful doll from Harrods.
It was the most exquisite thing.
Fuzz! Wendy? You know the Dicksons? Well, they're having a party, and we all had to bring something.
Mum? Darling, this is Ruth.
She's She's something that She watches.
She We don't do anything with her, she's just You've heard of voyeurism, haven't you? Yeah, but isn't the defining element of voyeurism being able to see? If she's watching, then who Roger likes to be watched.
He likes to be watched by that? Yeah.
OK.
OK? You sure? Yeah.
I was just thinking of what Dad would say if he found out.
OK, what are your terms? Well, I just think Tara and I would be better prepared for the Congo if .
.
if we flew business class.
Helen? Oh, Helen.
Rhett! I told you not to open the door.
It's over, Mum.
What are you talking about? Look, I went up to the Frog and Gnome and had a word with Bill up there.
That's a good, old pub, isn't it? Please, not in front of the children.
Summer and I know, Mum.
Do you think we're fucking idiots? Look, Helen, Bill seems to think it's probably more like $500,000 you've put through his pokies over time.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
I happen to be a significant shareholder in this establishment, so my first question to you is, where the fuck is everybody? Well, it's a Friday, sir.
Not much traffic on Friday.
Oh, not much traffic on a Friday? No, sir.
Felicity.
Cleaver.
We'll be talking more, my friend.
The answer's no.
I don't get it.
The woman's an addict.
More than that, she's a victim.
She's poured hundreds of thousands of dollars into these pokies.
This is the problem.
It's people like you who give addiction a bad name.
It's who like me who what? 'I cheated on my wife 20 times.
Boohoo.
I'm a sex addict.
' 'This is my fifth drink-driving charge.
Boohoo.
I'm an alcoholic.
' 'Don't judge me, society, help me.
I'm a victim.
' Please.
This woman should go to jail and do a rehab program.
I've got no interest in helping her.
Wow.
Oh, and just for the record, I hear the duck here is a little on the dry side.
Hey, don't start saying things about the duck you're going to regret.
I think you're a coward.
Oh, yeah.
You talk big, but when the opportunity actually arises to do something Do what, exactly? This isn't just about Helen Harwood.
Imagine the message that would be sent if a jury were to find someone else ultimately responsible for Helen's crimes.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? My motives might be a little less subtle than yours, but we can take the fuckers on.
You want to take on the gambling lobby? I do.
See? I'm full of surprises.
Tell me, how long is it since you've actually had sex? An eternity.
I can be full of surprises too.
One year.
Daily rehab classes, of course, and after six months, you get to go home for weekends.
I'm not going to jail.
Helen, under the circumstances, I have to advise you, this is a very good deal.
Is it my choice? Yes.
Then no.
Thank you.
It's very sweet of you, and I know you must have worked very hard.
Helen, if you don't take this deal and we lose, you could get five years.
Mr Greene said that I could get off without doing any time at all.
Ah, yes.
Well, what I actually said was that if Ms Engels says that you will do a year, then you will do a year, whereas if you go my way, you'll either probably do no time at all or you'll do the full five-year stretch.
Right.
So, this is what you're instructing me to plead.
You are a victim of the gambling industry, which drove you to pretend that your seven-year-old son has cancer.
That is what I'm instructing you to plead.
Ms Engels, you haven't even touched your muffin.
I know how much you like blueberry.
So, well done.
The first case I throw you, you make me look like an idiot.
Come on, Red.
I send you to do a little groundwork.
You turn my client against me.
Our client.
All prosecution needs are a few parents on the jury, and our client is going to spend the next five years of her life in jail.
It's all high risk for your high stakes, isn't it? It's all about the rush.
Has the last year taught you nothing? She doesn't want to go to jail.
Oh! Well, that's a novel defence.
'Your Honour, my client doesn't want to go to jail.
' 'Oh, really, Ms Engels? Well, you leave me with no choice.
The prisoner is free to go back out into the world and pretend her daughter has the fucking plague!' Thank you, Your Honour.
Your Honour, since the installation of poker machines in the Frog and Gnome some three years ago, my client has .
.
has put $500,000 through those machines.
I'm aware, Ms Engels.
What are you suggesting? Is this going to be some sort of plea in mitigation, or are you embarking on some bizarre causative frolic? Maybe Your Honour could give me a moment to seek further and Excuse me, Your Honour.
With the greatest respect, perhaps my junior, Mr Greene, could Your Honour, if I could beg the court's indulgence for one moment.
How many addicts do we have in the jury over there? Two I'm pretty certain of.
The girl in the pink is spending every cent she has on blow, and the guy in the plaid loves the ponies, I think.
A couple of alcos, maybe.
Mr Greene! Your Honour, I do beg your pardon.
Ladies and gentlemen, you sit today in judgement of your fellow human being.
That is a heavy burden, isn't it? Does not the Bible say, 'Judge not lest ye be judged,' hmm? You will come to know my client, Helen Harwood, as a doting mother-of-three.
Now, she does not deny that she has committed some terrible acts, but what we must determine here today in this court is what drove my client to commit these acts.
What is the root cause? The scourge of gambling is a multibillion-dollar industry that makes its massive profits from seducing vulnerable folk such as my client.
I never really gambled before the pub put the machines in.
It started out as just the odd flutter, you know, but soon I couldn't stop myself.
I took out a second mortgage on the house, but that was gone in a few months.
I tried to stop.
Every day I'd say, 'Not today.
' But then I'd see the ads on the telly, you know, for the gambling websites.
They're everywhere.
I'd walk past the pub and I could hear the machines.
It was like they were calling me.
Apologies, Your Honour.
Might I take a moment? Yes, Ms Engels.
Do you think that she may have poisoned me? Don't be ridiculous.
Why would she do that? I think it was the mu The muffin.
The blueberry muffin? No.
I thought the blueberry muffins were your favourite type of muffin.
Now, where were we? Mr Short, when was the first time that you saw my client in your pub? I can't recall.
You did meet her, did you not? Yeah, I did, on many occasions.
So you knew that she had children, one of whom, to all intents and purposes, had cancer? Yeah, I did.
Yet you did nothing to discourage her from pouring hundreds of thousands of dollars into the machines at your pub? It's a free country.
In fact, far from discouraging her, you actually offered her inducements to play the pokies at the Frog and Gnome, didn't you, Mr Short? Inducements? Yes.
Did you offer her free food and drink? Yeah, sometimes.
Did you extend her a line of credit at all? Occasionally, yeah.
Under what circumstances? Well, usually, it was after we rooted.
I beg your pardon? We had an arrangement.
We rooted, what, 20 or 30 times? I'd extend her a little credit for the, um, pokies.
Yes.
Yes.
And, and What can I say, ladies and gentlemen? Such was my client's desperation, and such is the greed of proprietors such as Mr Short here and his corporate masters that they will relentlessly exploit the vulnerability of such people and drive them to acts of debasement.
Mr Greene! Yeah, no, apologies, Your Honour.
Where were we? Well, ah, Mr Short here was just detailing how he regularly paid Helen for sex.
Justice has been done.
The gambling industry preys on the frailties of the weak, but now I'm strong, and I'm very pleased to be able to say this is the first day of the rest of my life.
I'd like to thank my legal team, headed up by Mr Cleaver Greene, for never wavering and for always having faith in my case.
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Celebration? What would we be celebrating? Well, we kicked the gambling industry in the arse, didn't we? You kicked a pub in the arse, Cleaver, or rather, a sleazy publican kicked himself in the arse and created a bit of a stink.
If that's what you were after, congratulations.
Wow, you're really a bit of a mood killer, aren't you? Malcolm told me you were an advocate for social justice.
Yeah, I am, when I can be.
Maybe just when you need to be.
See ya.
I'm prepared to stump up for a bottle of champagne.
French, of course.
Oh, I'm sure you are.
Any spurious pretext will do, won't it? Probably get some sprinkles too.
What are you, in the Women's Temperance League? Wendy, Fuzz? Where is everybody? I've had a win.
Hello.
Can I help you? Oh, are you a friend of Wendy's? Where's Wendy? Fuzz's farewell.
Are you a friend of Fuzzy's? Wendy and Roger have moved.
I have an address somewhere.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry about the mess.
Wow.
They've really Fuzzy's Wow.
Fuck.
Good evening, children.
Fuck.
You've really gone to town here, haven't you? This was my marital home once.
You know how I got the deposit for this place? A bay mare called Wide Margin.
I remember I went up to the members and shouted the bar.
That was a huge win, like, 40, 50 to 1.
Unexpectedly slow track, you see? Wendy and I went home and made love to Miles Davis, Blue In Green.
She was so fucking beautiful.
Fucking beautiful girl.
She is.
She is a beautiful girl.
I told her I'd never bet again after that.
Um, I have the address here.
Blue In Green.
This is the Department of Community Services.
We have a court order to take three children into protective custody.
Open up, please.
Is there a parent or guardian at home? Um, just me and my brother and sister.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I did not mean, 'reply all'.
I did not mean, 'reply all'! Oh, fuck! What the fuck is this? Where'd you get all this money? I didn't get this money.
I contributed a little bit, but this is mainly Roger's.
He's an osteopath! How many dodgy groins do you have to feel up to get a shack like this? Or what, has he got family money? He isn't just an osteopath, Cleave.
He's a sports therapist.
He's a consultant.
It's a business.
Consultant, yeah.
Consultant licensed to charge four times more.
OK, do you want to ruin tonight? Our son is going to the fucking Congo.
This isn't Fiji, Cleaver.
I want you to contemplate that.
Stop it! Dad, come on.
Stop it! Rog! Roger? Roger's so strong, isn't he? So virile.
She was my wife first.
You are never to see her again, you understand me? Fuck you, groin boy.
And you're never to set foot in this house again.
Got it? He's been in prison a long time, Rog.
I'm sure he's had worse.
How do you think he's doing? I think if he doesn't stop this madness soon, he's going to die.
I agree.
So I've been thinking .
.
why don't you move in with us? What? He's got to stop running.
There's nothing to run to or from if we're together.
It's the only way.
You're right, yep.
Oh, my God.
Ah.
Yeah.
What are you doing here? KMA Half Marathon, apparently, mate.
You're off your tree.
No, I'm not.
Come on.
Come on.
I told you I was going to do it.
You don't want to do this.
Yes, I do, mate.
No, you don't.
Come on, you bald tool.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
Yeah! Come on.
Come on, Barn.
What are you doing? Come on! What's up? I can't, mate.
Come on, mate.
I had it in the bag.
I'm scared shitless, Cleave.
Come on, Barnyard.
You'll be alright.
I promise you.
I need your help.
Old friends of Malcolm's.
Landed themselves in some pretty serious legal trouble.
So you broke into the building to steal a desk, then you didn't, and then you left and now you're charged with murder? Well, that's pretty much how it happened.
Oh, Scarlet! She said it's very nice to meet you.
Brand-new producer for the show.
Great.
You could reveal your vulnerable side and later, outside with the moon up, we could kiss.
And hey presto, we're humping away in your bed.
What sort of cancer? Fuck! Why didn't somebody tell me? It's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Every day is a blessing.
You were in prison.
So what? You just decided to steal my secretary and my entire client base? They want to make a movie about Josh and me.
Who's 'they'? Ron Howard's company.
Oh, sh Tikki! Hello, Cal.
Here's what I think we need you to do.
You're going to host a new television program, mostly gambling and scandal.
You're my rock.
You're my port in a storm.
You're my soulmate.
That's just a shipwreck.
Oh, fuck! Why do you think I'm here? I can get any damn QC in the world to make a good argument and quote the act, chapter and verse.
What I need is someone who is prepared to play beyond the rules, someone who can say 'mammophile' without flinching, someone to bring fireworks to this case.
Who can bring the circus and the carnival to court.
I need someone who can bring top-secret, inadmissible, highly prejudicial evidence before a jury.
Do you think you can do that? Maybe .
.
if the price is right.
For the hundredth time, Clarice, I don't swing that way.
I love you, but only as a friend.
You have to understand that.
I'm in love with Josh.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm off the meth.
I only do coke on weekends.
I mean, what more do you want from me? What will it take for you to understand how I feel about you, Melissa? Clarice, Melissa and I are getting married.
OK, I'll do it, Josh, on one condition.
What's that? Let me give the bride away.
Oh, wasn't Cate just amazing? Oh, yeah.
She brought out my inner lesbian perfectly.
Shall we change the subject? What to? Well, how's your work coming along? Great.
I'm a legal pariah, and your stupid, fucking film's only going to make matters worse, isn't it? Next question? Oh, God, look who's here.
Is she a pal of yours? I think one of her companies may have invested in the film.
Yeah, that'd be right.
She invests in a lot of shit, doesn't she? Mm.
Hello.
Welcome.
What are we looking at here? This is our take on pizza.
Our take on pizza? Please don't start.
Our take on You can't have a take on pizza.
Either it is pizza or it isn't, and this isn't.
See this? This is a slice of bread.
There is no pizza doughlike substance anywhere near this thing.
Look, you've got cheese, you've got some sort of tomato-based sauce.
Yeah, but that's not what makes it a pizza.
You can put any old shit you like on top of the pizza, make a terrible pizza, but it's still a pizza, because the thing that makes it a pizza is the base.
And that's why they're called pizzas.
Should I get you another drink? I tell you what - I'll get you a drink, but it'll be my take on white wine, which is Fanta.
Thank you.
That's my take on your take.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
Welcome.
Do you know her? What has got into you? You've turned into some sort of sexual truffle pig.
When this little piggy hasn't had a truffle for over 12 months, his snout gets very sensitive.
Oh, great.
Good evening, Clarice.
Oh, stop it! Missy will tell you that Clarice is an amalgam of all kinds of characters and ideas, won't she? Gertrude Stein, Chastity Bono, Melissa Etheridge.
I wouldn't be so cocky, cocky.
Your character was described as, quote, 'Totally gaybones'.
By your character - a deranged lesbian meth addict.
Please.
You guys are making a scene.
I'm not the one the papers are sniggering about, mate.
That is right-wing tabloid bullshit.
Oh, I know.
You want to take this outside? Yes! Let's take the fucker outside.
No! Come on! Yeah! No.
Nobody is going outside.
Everybody is staying in.
You are not going to ruin this night for me.
Yeah, Melissa is right.
We should stay in.
Except for Harry, who should come out.
I guess that's your take on 'going outside'.
Paulie! - Paulie.
- Is that you, Horny? I'm out.
Mate, you've gone through two bags already.
Jesus.
Hey, that was you, wasn't it? Who was the guy who knocked you out? Exactly.
You want a line? Oh You don't even know me, fellas.
Go on, Horny.
Give him a line.
OK, Paulie.
He looks like he could use one.
Yeah, he does.
Then let's go back to the party.
Is the cow still there? Mate, I just saw her leaving, I swear.
Who's the cow? My stepmother.
Tikki Wendon.
You're Tikki Wendon's stepson? God help me.
Enjoy.
Place your bets.
What you got, Paulie? Last bets.
No more bets.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Stick with me.
Stick with me for the evening.
This is as safe as houses.
Well done, sir.
Place your bets.
I love it.
That's going right there.
No numbers for you.
Come on, now.
That's the one.
I'd be popping them right there.
Popping them right there.
That's where it's going.
Oh! Oh, my God! Yes! It's not bad.
How much was that? $5,600.
Well done, sir.
$5,600.
New bet.
Place your bets.
Champagne! The stars were punching well above their weight last night at the opening of the new Cate Blanchett movie, Joshua, based on the life of goodplumbing.
com founder, Joshua Floyd.
At the party following the premiere, a Sydney lawyer, Cleaver Greene, found himself decked by New South Wales Opposition Leader, David Potter.
Come on, you guys, you'll be late.
Coming up Is Matty ready? Yeah.
And where's Rhett? Probably wanking.
Summer, don't be disgusting.
Well, he probably is! That's all he does at the moment.
Well, if that boy is mean to you again, my darling, you tell Mrs Elms, alright? Because what do we not condone? We do not condone bullying.
Alright, my darling.
Thanks, Rhetty.
Right.
There you go, sweetheart.
Pack it up, troops.
We must remember to send Greene some flowers.
Yeah.
Mate, these numbers are fucking gold.
You've got to beat more people up.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah? Yes.
That is much better than that Tinker Bell bullshit.
What Tinker Bell bullshit? There are a couple of cartoons.
What, with me as Yeah, as Tinker Bell, yeah.
I thought I was Harry Potter - you know, the glasses, the Online, they moved you to Tinker Bell.
What are they saying? What does it look like? It's just the glasses .
.
and the tutu.
And a broken wand, but there was no body per se.
A tutu? A broken wand? Everything's fine now, hey? Look at this.
You don't punch like you take it up the arse, hey? Look at that! We're back on this gay thing.
It's a Raging Bull quote.
It's not gay.
It's the tabloids.
You should have ditched the glasses after Derby Day at Randwick, like we said.
They didn't poll well.
Glasses are not gay, they're just they're just glasses! I've been wearing them since primary school.
Since when have we been polling glasses? My mum has had the laser.
It's been unbelievable.
The glasses were a big part of the problem.
That's how the Harry Potter stuff came up in the first place.
Cleaver Greene is how the fucking Harry Potter stuff came up.
Lord, we commend into your hands the spirit of your servant, Malcolm John Finnane.
Who are you? Cleaver Greene.
Oh.
Lord, Malcolm didn't have an easy life.
Malcolm told me a lot about you.
Malcolm didn't have an easy life, Lord, and When did you get out? Excuse me, young lady.
This is a funeral service for your brother.
I know, and this is a prayer, right? Indeed.
So you're talking to God, not me.
You have your conversation.
I'll have mine.
This man, unlike you, actually knew my brother.
He was in jail with him.
If anyone should be talking about Malcolm, it should be this man.
He had sex with Malcolm.
I did not! Malcolm told me you did.
Well, Malcolm was a little delusional in matters of romance.
Come on.
A lot of guys do things inside they wouldn't normally do.
He wanted to, but it never happened.
OK, sure.
What is wrong with Hey, is this about slipping on the soap? Did he tell you about Because I I I never slipped Not in the I never slipped.
He was very explicit.
Fantasists tend to be.
Jesus Christ.
I think we're we're done here.
Ah, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.
It's called coimetrophobia, by the way.
What? What is? Fear of cemeteries.
Do you have death issues? Ah, one or two .
.
mainly one.
It's those left behind who suffer, Mr Greene, not the dead.
Right.
So we should fear life more than we fear death? Obviously.
Ah.
I never thought about it like that.
You must be a riot at parties.
Ah, I know a lot of dead people.
Are you a mortician or something? Psychologist.
I specialise in addictions.
You know - drugs, alcohol, gambling.
Ah.
That must be fascinating for you.
This is what he wanted.
He was very specific.
Did he ever talk to you about God? No.
All these years, after everything he's been through, I never understood how he kept his faith.
I don't have a problem, OK? You lawyers are all the same, aren't you? You think your class is above the frailty of others.
First of all, I've been expelled from my class.
Alright? Second of all, yes, I was at a party.
Yeah, there may have been a few sprinkles.
What's the big deal? It wasn't just a few sprinkles, Cleaver - it was at least a gram and a half, maybe two.
That's not work for an amateur.
That takes a seasoned professional.
Are you some sort of a cocaine savant? Call me if you ever want a chat, OK? Yeah, right.
Don't throw away a second chance.
You're lucky to have one.
See ya.
OK.
Congratulations, Senior Counsel.
Thank you.
I'm very proud of you.
I hope that doesn't sound condescending.
It's not meant to.
It doesn't.
Good.
Ah, thank you.
Very kind.
Johnny, how's it hanging? Cleaver.
Pedro, all good your end? Cleaver.
Cleaver.
All good my end.
Fellas, how's it dangling? Cleaver.
Cleaver.
I told you you could come to the ceremony, not the house.
I couldn't make the ceremony.
David, it's over.
I know, I know.
Are you out of your mind? Jesus! Open your present.
Come on.
Silk for a silk.
Congratulations.
Sammy Cox is dealing with Marcel's side of things, of course, but the salient and little-known fact is that Laetitia's selling half of the restaurant.
- Are you in, Fred? - Fucking right I'm in for it.
It's only 150 grand each a pop.
For Christ's sake, you don't get an opportunity like that begging to go down on you every day.
Oh, don't be such a prick.
You spend that amount on batteries for your dildos each month.
OK, I'm in.
Oh, that's more like it.
Anybody else? Marcel's.
Marcel's.
I'm trying to remember.
It wasn't just the salmonella, so it wasn't just the puking.
It was the sort of incessant tide of Gallic flim-flam and wankery, the sort of 'noisette Napoleon, cote de boeuf de Gaulle de pommes de terre'.
Steak and chips.
Fuck me.
Ba-bam-bam Ba-bam-bam.
Invisible man, coming through.
Invisible man.
Whoa-ho-ho! Moncrieff, sit down! Ooh, sou'-wester.
Ladies.
Blue Man Group.
Yeah, baby.
Feel it and weep.
Yeah? Mate, it's Paulie.
Where are you? Paulie? Paulie You've forgotten, haven't you? You were so fucking wasted.
We were meant to have lunch today, make the transfer.
Make what transfer? Your winnings.
Horny and I thought you might leave them in the back of a cab, so we looked after them for you.
What winnings? Yeah, you were on fire, mate.
How much did I win? Grand, mate.
160 grand.
I'm in.
Sorry, Cleaver? Marcel's.
I'm in.
I can have a bank cheque for you tomorrow.
Steak and chips.
Yeah.
Dartnell Private Oncology.
Helen speaking.
Ooh, it's looking a little bit tricky, but I'll see if I can squeeze you in, poppet.
No, just doing my job, my love.
This is the best move you've ever made.
This will set you up.
Are you back on coke? What? Look, you've always told me not to piss my money up against a wall, but invest it.
Fred is the country's leading tax lawyer.
The man is genetically risk-averse.
If you were freezing to death, he would lease you the steam off his piss and claim it as a deduction.
He knows what he's doing.
So what are you going to live on? The way I see it, I've been given a second chance, and I don't want to blow it, alright? I'm ready to work again.
I will live on my earnings, and the restaurant can be my superannuation.
This is inspirational, Cleave.
This is the film they should be making.
Darling, why don't you throw a few cases Cleave's way? Yeah, I could do that if there's something you might be interested in.
Well, maybe some of the more grisly ones.
I know you're a little squeamish.
I could lighten your load.
This would not be about you lightening my load.
This would be about you being my junior counsel.
I'm an SC now.
It would be consistent work, Cleave.
Let me remind you that some of us have been in the legal game a little longer than others.
Oh, right.
Yet miraculously, you're still a junior counsel.
Go figure.
I just think this is fantastic.
This is the best day! I want to celebrate! I'm going for a run.
What is wrong with you? I'm going for a run.
Who are you? You went for a run this morning.
I'm going to Nicole's.
She needs a hand with something.
You drive to Nicole's! Nah! Barney, you need to rest your body after chemo.
Just drive, you fuckwit.
Why? I'm feeling fine.
Hey? I've never felt better.
Hey? Come on! Hey, did I tell you I'm doing the KMA Half Marathon? The what? The KMA.
I'm living, mate! Why don't you do it with me, Cleave? Come on, come on, embrace life.
Feel the blood pumping! Oh, yes.
You want to feel my aorta bursting? Come on, do it.
Yes? Yes? Is that a yes? Is that a nod? Come on, come on, come on Alright, mate, I'll be there.
I'll come and watch you kill yourself.
But if the doctor says, rest, you should fucking rest.
You people are soft.
Come on, live a little! Whee! When he's here, he's running to Nicole and when he's with Nicole, he's running back here.
He's got the gym and the school run, and now he wants to do this bloody half marathon.
It's going to kill him.
I know it, Nicole knows it.
What we don't know is if he's running away from death or running towards it.
So, Australia, you think you've seen it all until you find a piece of work like this.
A mother-of-three, a doctor's receptionist, one Helen Harwood, shaves her seven-year-old son's head and tells the world he has cancer, and she's done it twice, purely in order to scam Medicare to the tune of $400,000.
Now, this is a fraud of such proportions that the Labor Party must be considering Ms Harwood for preselection.
We've got to crack down on these welfare fraudsters, and I know how to.
But first, let's cross to the seventh at Doomben, where I hear Likely Lad is now at fours.
Tom? Numbers are holding, mate.
Remember, Dave - you're not just a man's man, but a bloke's bloke.
You won't back down.
He's not a bloke's bloke, is he? Now, you call yourself the Police Commissioner, do you not? I call you the Commissioner of Death, the Commissioner of Disgrace, the Commissioner who stands idly by whilst young Australians and other young people lucky enough to be allowed to live in this country are killing each other.
You are in effect the Commissioner of Blood, are you not? I'm Cal McGregor.
We'll be right back.
David Potter, thanks for finally agreeing to come onto the show.
Well, thanks for finally asking me, Cal.
So - welfare frauds.
You lot basically put out the welcome mat for them when you were in office.
Medicare is a Federal responsibility, not State.
I would have thought even a disgraced former Attorney-General would have known that.
You're willing to put out the welcome mat for welfare cheats, yet you're opposed to infrastructure reform.
Tikki Wendon's superbly imaginative plan to build an edifice rivalling the Opera House on the other side of the Harbour - billions of dollars of investment, thousands of jobs By 'edifice', you mean 'casino', right? Look, I will oppose both the Government and Tikki Wendon on this, and I won't back down.
My dad shot through because of his problem with gambling.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Food for thought, David Potter, if you're bulimic.
Now, the seventh at Dapto's about to kick off, and I hear Mere Avenger's looking special.
Tom? We're out, everyone.
Thanks, Potter.
That was good.
Hey, listen.
Tell me, I'm curious - what motivates you to get up and go to work in the morning? The naive belief that today's got to be better than yesterday.
I'll see you later.
Jesus! You right? Yep, I'm good.
Is that you, guys? Yes, it's us, boss.
Got to get that laser surgery.
I'll make the appointment.
Fucking poofter.
This isn't going to work.
This can't possibly work.
Well, you'd better make it work, because you need the work.
Anyway, you've been a junior before.
Yeah, Not for four years.
And those guys were actually What's the word again? Oh, yes - senior to me.
I'm not an errand boy.
She's going to want me to research stuff, find precedents, read actual judgements and legislature.
You know that's not my thing.
She's the prissy, methodical one.
She's the one Oh, Cleaver, will you shut up and face reality? What the fuck is this? Reality.
Yours is the third room on the left of reality.
You're kidding me.
Dump your stuff.
Scarlet would like you for a conference in five.
Oh.
Are you kidding me?! Oh, for the love of Helen Harwood, Scarlet Marx SC.
Engels.
Right.
Sorry - Engels.
Not Marx, not Lenin.
I knew it was one of them.
Don't put me in the gulag! Hi, I'm Helen.
How are you? Scarlet Engels.
How do you do? Please take a seat.
Thank you.
And this is Cleaver Greene.
Hi, I'm Helen.
How are you? Helen, lovely to meet you.
I love to bake.
Nothing like a muffin in the morning.
These are for you, Ms Engels.
And of course Mr Greene? Oh! Yum, yum.
And of course Mr Lincoln.
I know how much he likes them.
That's very kind of you, Ms Harwood, but let's get down to business.
Of course.
I know how precious your time is.
I hope we can get over this whole silly misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? Right.
Um, Ms Harwood, it would appear that you have committed a complex and well thought-through fraud which has netted you almost $400,000.
You've claimed reimbursement for hundreds of medical procedures for your son which never took place, using your position as a medical receptionist to an oncologist to forge claim forms and reports.
Yes.
There has been some confusion with the forms.
$400,000 does not represent confusion, Ms Harwood, it represents fraud! OK.
Lincoln, why don't you take Helen downstairs for a jiffy and get her a nice cup of tea, and Ms Engels and I will have a little chat? Of course.
OK, not the most auspicious start.
Do you think? I don't have to like her.
But you can't hate her.
She has made her little boy pretend he has cancer.
Don't you hate her? You can't hate your clients, Red.
Why not? Because they're your livelihood, and sometimes - admittedly, rarely - they are actually innocent.
What's worse, occasionally, they turn out to be better people than we are.
Even some of the guilty ones? Especially some of the guilty ones.
Now, look, the woman clearly has a problem.
There's got to be a syndrome out there we can pin it on.
No, her best chance is to plead guilty and be full of remorse.
Tom Buckingham's running it for the DPP.
We're old mates.
We can do a deal.
Is this the way you run your practice - doing deals with old mates? What happened to good, old-fashioned advocacy? Cleaver, you and I both know that 95% of the people who come in here are guilty.
The best thing we can do for them is a deal.
I want you to go out and talk to her and find something to help me make that deal.
Alright? Priority one - find out what she's done with the money and if she can give it back.
Off you go.
Hmm? Oh! Oh, yes.
Dismissed, huh? Yes? Yes, you are.
You can send Lincoln back up.
Bon voyage.
Jawohl, mein Obergruppenfuhrer.
Matty's been so brave, haven't you, my darling? Yeah, I'll bet he has.
Where's your cancer, mate? Bones, grade-3.
Started in my left leg when I was four.
I've got to do some homework.
Is that alright, Mr Greene? Yeah.
Actually, I wouldn't mind a private word, Helen.
Rhett, look after your brother.
Alright.
Um .
.
you know you're looking at five years, don't you? Five years? Prison.
Prison? I can't go to prison.
Right.
Well, Ms Engels is very good at doing deals.
She can probably get it down to two for you, maybe even one if you can get the money back.
I told you - I can't go to prison.
Can you get the money back? Do you hear me? Helen.
What have you done with the money? I don't know anything about any money.
OK, look - this place isn't exactly a palace, and it's got a hefty mortgage.
The kids' school paid for the car.
I don't know.
Have you invested the money somewhere? Did you buy yourself some jewels? Is there a boat I need to know about? Helen, this has to stop.
Matty doesn't have cancer, does he? He's a healthy, seven-year-old boy who should be leading a healthy, seven-year-old life, but because of you, he thinks he's very sick.
You're hurting him.
You know that, don't you? How dare you.
I would never hurt him.
I love him more than anything in the world.
What have you done with the money? Get out.
We don't have time for I said, get out! OK, OK.
But Psst! Frog and Gnome.
The Congo is just so far! Yeah, I think that's part of the point, Mum.
There's enough poor people here to go around, surely.
Why have you got to go all the way to Africa? That's where the mission's sending us.
Why can't the mission send you to Brisbane? There are poor people in Brisbane.
It's just an hour away.
We could visit you there.
Mum, my bag is too small.
I told you that when we were shopping.
I know, I know.
Alright, take mine.
It's in my wardrobe.
Back left-hand side.
I can remember being desperate to go to London when I was a girl.
My father went on a long business trip there, and he brought me back the most beautiful doll from Harrods.
It was the most exquisite thing.
Fuzz! Wendy? You know the Dicksons? Well, they're having a party, and we all had to bring something.
Mum? Darling, this is Ruth.
She's She's something that She watches.
She We don't do anything with her, she's just You've heard of voyeurism, haven't you? Yeah, but isn't the defining element of voyeurism being able to see? If she's watching, then who Roger likes to be watched.
He likes to be watched by that? Yeah.
OK.
OK? You sure? Yeah.
I was just thinking of what Dad would say if he found out.
OK, what are your terms? Well, I just think Tara and I would be better prepared for the Congo if .
.
if we flew business class.
Helen? Oh, Helen.
Rhett! I told you not to open the door.
It's over, Mum.
What are you talking about? Look, I went up to the Frog and Gnome and had a word with Bill up there.
That's a good, old pub, isn't it? Please, not in front of the children.
Summer and I know, Mum.
Do you think we're fucking idiots? Look, Helen, Bill seems to think it's probably more like $500,000 you've put through his pokies over time.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
I happen to be a significant shareholder in this establishment, so my first question to you is, where the fuck is everybody? Well, it's a Friday, sir.
Not much traffic on Friday.
Oh, not much traffic on a Friday? No, sir.
Felicity.
Cleaver.
We'll be talking more, my friend.
The answer's no.
I don't get it.
The woman's an addict.
More than that, she's a victim.
She's poured hundreds of thousands of dollars into these pokies.
This is the problem.
It's people like you who give addiction a bad name.
It's who like me who what? 'I cheated on my wife 20 times.
Boohoo.
I'm a sex addict.
' 'This is my fifth drink-driving charge.
Boohoo.
I'm an alcoholic.
' 'Don't judge me, society, help me.
I'm a victim.
' Please.
This woman should go to jail and do a rehab program.
I've got no interest in helping her.
Wow.
Oh, and just for the record, I hear the duck here is a little on the dry side.
Hey, don't start saying things about the duck you're going to regret.
I think you're a coward.
Oh, yeah.
You talk big, but when the opportunity actually arises to do something Do what, exactly? This isn't just about Helen Harwood.
Imagine the message that would be sent if a jury were to find someone else ultimately responsible for Helen's crimes.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? My motives might be a little less subtle than yours, but we can take the fuckers on.
You want to take on the gambling lobby? I do.
See? I'm full of surprises.
Tell me, how long is it since you've actually had sex? An eternity.
I can be full of surprises too.
One year.
Daily rehab classes, of course, and after six months, you get to go home for weekends.
I'm not going to jail.
Helen, under the circumstances, I have to advise you, this is a very good deal.
Is it my choice? Yes.
Then no.
Thank you.
It's very sweet of you, and I know you must have worked very hard.
Helen, if you don't take this deal and we lose, you could get five years.
Mr Greene said that I could get off without doing any time at all.
Ah, yes.
Well, what I actually said was that if Ms Engels says that you will do a year, then you will do a year, whereas if you go my way, you'll either probably do no time at all or you'll do the full five-year stretch.
Right.
So, this is what you're instructing me to plead.
You are a victim of the gambling industry, which drove you to pretend that your seven-year-old son has cancer.
That is what I'm instructing you to plead.
Ms Engels, you haven't even touched your muffin.
I know how much you like blueberry.
So, well done.
The first case I throw you, you make me look like an idiot.
Come on, Red.
I send you to do a little groundwork.
You turn my client against me.
Our client.
All prosecution needs are a few parents on the jury, and our client is going to spend the next five years of her life in jail.
It's all high risk for your high stakes, isn't it? It's all about the rush.
Has the last year taught you nothing? She doesn't want to go to jail.
Oh! Well, that's a novel defence.
'Your Honour, my client doesn't want to go to jail.
' 'Oh, really, Ms Engels? Well, you leave me with no choice.
The prisoner is free to go back out into the world and pretend her daughter has the fucking plague!' Thank you, Your Honour.
Your Honour, since the installation of poker machines in the Frog and Gnome some three years ago, my client has .
.
has put $500,000 through those machines.
I'm aware, Ms Engels.
What are you suggesting? Is this going to be some sort of plea in mitigation, or are you embarking on some bizarre causative frolic? Maybe Your Honour could give me a moment to seek further and Excuse me, Your Honour.
With the greatest respect, perhaps my junior, Mr Greene, could Your Honour, if I could beg the court's indulgence for one moment.
How many addicts do we have in the jury over there? Two I'm pretty certain of.
The girl in the pink is spending every cent she has on blow, and the guy in the plaid loves the ponies, I think.
A couple of alcos, maybe.
Mr Greene! Your Honour, I do beg your pardon.
Ladies and gentlemen, you sit today in judgement of your fellow human being.
That is a heavy burden, isn't it? Does not the Bible say, 'Judge not lest ye be judged,' hmm? You will come to know my client, Helen Harwood, as a doting mother-of-three.
Now, she does not deny that she has committed some terrible acts, but what we must determine here today in this court is what drove my client to commit these acts.
What is the root cause? The scourge of gambling is a multibillion-dollar industry that makes its massive profits from seducing vulnerable folk such as my client.
I never really gambled before the pub put the machines in.
It started out as just the odd flutter, you know, but soon I couldn't stop myself.
I took out a second mortgage on the house, but that was gone in a few months.
I tried to stop.
Every day I'd say, 'Not today.
' But then I'd see the ads on the telly, you know, for the gambling websites.
They're everywhere.
I'd walk past the pub and I could hear the machines.
It was like they were calling me.
Apologies, Your Honour.
Might I take a moment? Yes, Ms Engels.
Do you think that she may have poisoned me? Don't be ridiculous.
Why would she do that? I think it was the mu The muffin.
The blueberry muffin? No.
I thought the blueberry muffins were your favourite type of muffin.
Now, where were we? Mr Short, when was the first time that you saw my client in your pub? I can't recall.
You did meet her, did you not? Yeah, I did, on many occasions.
So you knew that she had children, one of whom, to all intents and purposes, had cancer? Yeah, I did.
Yet you did nothing to discourage her from pouring hundreds of thousands of dollars into the machines at your pub? It's a free country.
In fact, far from discouraging her, you actually offered her inducements to play the pokies at the Frog and Gnome, didn't you, Mr Short? Inducements? Yes.
Did you offer her free food and drink? Yeah, sometimes.
Did you extend her a line of credit at all? Occasionally, yeah.
Under what circumstances? Well, usually, it was after we rooted.
I beg your pardon? We had an arrangement.
We rooted, what, 20 or 30 times? I'd extend her a little credit for the, um, pokies.
Yes.
Yes.
And, and What can I say, ladies and gentlemen? Such was my client's desperation, and such is the greed of proprietors such as Mr Short here and his corporate masters that they will relentlessly exploit the vulnerability of such people and drive them to acts of debasement.
Mr Greene! Yeah, no, apologies, Your Honour.
Where were we? Well, ah, Mr Short here was just detailing how he regularly paid Helen for sex.
Justice has been done.
The gambling industry preys on the frailties of the weak, but now I'm strong, and I'm very pleased to be able to say this is the first day of the rest of my life.
I'd like to thank my legal team, headed up by Mr Cleaver Greene, for never wavering and for always having faith in my case.
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Celebration? What would we be celebrating? Well, we kicked the gambling industry in the arse, didn't we? You kicked a pub in the arse, Cleaver, or rather, a sleazy publican kicked himself in the arse and created a bit of a stink.
If that's what you were after, congratulations.
Wow, you're really a bit of a mood killer, aren't you? Malcolm told me you were an advocate for social justice.
Yeah, I am, when I can be.
Maybe just when you need to be.
See ya.
I'm prepared to stump up for a bottle of champagne.
French, of course.
Oh, I'm sure you are.
Any spurious pretext will do, won't it? Probably get some sprinkles too.
What are you, in the Women's Temperance League? Wendy, Fuzz? Where is everybody? I've had a win.
Hello.
Can I help you? Oh, are you a friend of Wendy's? Where's Wendy? Fuzz's farewell.
Are you a friend of Fuzzy's? Wendy and Roger have moved.
I have an address somewhere.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry about the mess.
Wow.
They've really Fuzzy's Wow.
Fuck.
Good evening, children.
Fuck.
You've really gone to town here, haven't you? This was my marital home once.
You know how I got the deposit for this place? A bay mare called Wide Margin.
I remember I went up to the members and shouted the bar.
That was a huge win, like, 40, 50 to 1.
Unexpectedly slow track, you see? Wendy and I went home and made love to Miles Davis, Blue In Green.
She was so fucking beautiful.
Fucking beautiful girl.
She is.
She is a beautiful girl.
I told her I'd never bet again after that.
Um, I have the address here.
Blue In Green.
This is the Department of Community Services.
We have a court order to take three children into protective custody.
Open up, please.
Is there a parent or guardian at home? Um, just me and my brother and sister.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I did not mean, 'reply all'.
I did not mean, 'reply all'! Oh, fuck! What the fuck is this? Where'd you get all this money? I didn't get this money.
I contributed a little bit, but this is mainly Roger's.
He's an osteopath! How many dodgy groins do you have to feel up to get a shack like this? Or what, has he got family money? He isn't just an osteopath, Cleave.
He's a sports therapist.
He's a consultant.
It's a business.
Consultant, yeah.
Consultant licensed to charge four times more.
OK, do you want to ruin tonight? Our son is going to the fucking Congo.
This isn't Fiji, Cleaver.
I want you to contemplate that.
Stop it! Dad, come on.
Stop it! Rog! Roger? Roger's so strong, isn't he? So virile.
She was my wife first.
You are never to see her again, you understand me? Fuck you, groin boy.
And you're never to set foot in this house again.
Got it? He's been in prison a long time, Rog.
I'm sure he's had worse.
How do you think he's doing? I think if he doesn't stop this madness soon, he's going to die.
I agree.
So I've been thinking .
.
why don't you move in with us? What? He's got to stop running.
There's nothing to run to or from if we're together.
It's the only way.
You're right, yep.
Oh, my God.
Ah.
Yeah.
What are you doing here? KMA Half Marathon, apparently, mate.
You're off your tree.
No, I'm not.
Come on.
Come on.
I told you I was going to do it.
You don't want to do this.
Yes, I do, mate.
No, you don't.
Come on, you bald tool.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
Yeah! Come on.
Come on, Barn.
What are you doing? Come on! What's up? I can't, mate.
Come on, mate.
I had it in the bag.
I'm scared shitless, Cleave.
Come on, Barnyard.
You'll be alright.
I promise you.
I need your help.
Old friends of Malcolm's.
Landed themselves in some pretty serious legal trouble.
So you broke into the building to steal a desk, then you didn't, and then you left and now you're charged with murder? Well, that's pretty much how it happened.
Oh, Scarlet! She said it's very nice to meet you.
Brand-new producer for the show.
Great.
You could reveal your vulnerable side and later, outside with the moon up, we could kiss.
And hey presto, we're humping away in your bed.