Rake (2010) s04e05 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 5
So, Melissa Partridge, welcome.
Now, you were there today when sensational allegations were made against your dear friend, about the cocaine.
Where is this coke? 'Cause if you have some, I could really use a line.
Patience.
Ohh! Oh, are you kidding me? Well, you said it was just for a couple of weeks.
You are deliberately white-anting my birthday because of this hot-air balloon bullshit.
How dare you think I'd do that? You're bringing boxes down and taking them back up again.
It's crazy.
I am proud to announce to you all here tonight my candidacy for the Senate.
Jesus Christ, I'm sick of this! What the fuck is that? Dan weak-as-shit Killick, fucking Cubby G awards.
Give me a fuckin' break.
Why'd we have to leave so early, babe? I really I wanted to dance tonight.
It's fuckin' rigged.
Not going again next year, that's for fuckin' sure.
Dan Killick.
Not a third of the fuckin' player I am.
Just I think you've gotta chill out.
It's really not a big de What the fuck? (Babe!) (Shut the fuck up!) Whack him, Kyle! That's him! Tear his fucking balls off! Two toast.
One more in transit.
You butter and apply spread of individual choice.
An apple for each box.
I don't like apples.
Today is the day you will learn.
And a treat for each box.
One, two, three! What? I told you I had stuff with other people.
You said you were with me.
I've always had these issues.
It's really hard.
Bullshit! I said from the start that I had commitment issues.
Bullshit.
You said you were a one-girl guy.
I am a one-girl guy with commitment issues.
It's actually really difficult.
How old's this coffee? About two hours.
We, like, need to work this out because I am not sacrificing myself for Milk! I think it's off.
Not for someone who's only interested in sex.
- There, I've said it.
- That's unfair.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Think about it, Finnegan.
When was the last time you called me before 10 o'clock at night? When was the last time you took me out for dinner? When was the last time you held my hand? When was the last time you kissed me on the cheek? When was the last time you did anything? OK, guys.
I shall be standing .
.
in this very same position .
.
tonight .
.
when you return.
I shall not move all day.
Confirming that David Potter, the man once described as too clean for politics, is expected to stand down as Leader of the State Opposition following police charging him for the murder of Scarlet Engels.
It was just 12 short weeks ago where leading Sydney barrister Scarlet Engels was laid to rest by her family and friends.
As from today I am resigning as Leader of the Opposition.
It has been a great honour serving this great party.
I believe in my time as leader, we have achieved a lot as a party.
Well a bit.
Not much, really.
Not much at all.
Thank you.
That's all I have to say.
Yes, we will be strenuously fighting these charges.
Mr Potter has cooperated closely with the police, and is looking forward to having the opportunity of clearing his name.
Excuse us.
You alright? How many times have you scoffed when you've heard a pollie say that? "I'm looking forward to clearing my name.
" Well, I mean it, Malcolm.
We fight this to the end.
Uh, reality check.
Excuse the sound and light show.
Three lovable, impish children.
Smiling young faces with all of their wonderful futures ahead of them.
Scarlet, so beautiful and so dead, no longer able to hold her darlings in her motherly embrace.
And then there's you .
.
politician on murder charges.
Murder.
It really is murder, right? Oh, fuck.
Lovable impish kids, dead beautiful mum, politician who rogered his mate's wife.
OK, alright, I get it.
But I am innocent.
Fine.
Then you find me a jury anywhere in the world that doesn't want to send a politician to prison and we'll plead not guilty.
I couldn't have killed her.
Oh, so you remember exactly what you were thinking at the time, what torrents of emotion were coursing through your mind in the split second that she approached you? She didn't approach me.
She was carrying a box.
Oh, what was in the box? How the fuck am I supposed to know? It was her box.
So you were in front of her? I had my back turned to her when it happened, I'm sure.
You're going to have to be bloody sure in court.
You're a lawyer.
You know what they'll do to you on the stand.
Maybe in a couple of years you write a book and somewhat rehabilitate your name.
But in the meantime, we have to do a deal.
It's your only option.
Accept involuntary manslaughter and all this goes away.
Everyone'll think I murdered her.
They already do, mate.
I just think the very fact we keep having this argument over and over is what's poisoning our relationship.
I know, I know.
I agree with you.
Oh, fuck.
Have you two been doing this all day? This is private.
Not on the evidence.
Sorry, I just I think that Trouble at Grand Central? Don't know.
Not interested.
All that sparkle, all that they meant to each other, dead after two full weeks? Mm.
Who would have seen it coming? You know, I think if death means anything to me, it means that deep down, I know that I want a different kind of life before I die.
You know, I want to do something exciting, or just something slightly exotic.
Live in a cottage in Sardinia, or something.
What is it about death that makes everyone want to move to a cottage in Italy? I've always lived with other people.
I've always been at their beck and call.
When people die in Italy, do you reckon they're all wanting to pull up stumps and move to Balmain? My parents, then a shared student house, and then you, and then you and Fuzz.
Then two other marriages, and then Fuzz.
- And now you and Fuzz again.
- Me and Fuzz.
Yeah.
It's Yeah, but it's nice, isn't it? I mean, come on, with Fuzz here it's Oh, well, not with the you know.
It's like old times.
I don't want old times, Cleave.
I don't.
They're too traumatic, you know? I just Oh! I have to have something to look forward to.
I really want you to find new accommodation.
- You know, I find it so confusing - Yeah, yeah, I'm.
- I'm looking.
- You're not! Oh, well, I'm I am thinking about getting started on the possibility of looking.
Don't you worry about that.
Do you think about Scarlet much? All the time.
Do you? Honestly, before today, hardly at all.
I don't know what it is about today.
You know, I I went to the funeral, I cried real tears, I hugged Barney and those poor kids.
And the next morning I woke up, I cried more real tears.
That was it.
I went to the gym, ran on the treadmill for an hour trying to tone my arse.
"The song will have it "that those that we have loved ".
.
got their long fingers "from death, and wounds, "or on Sinai's top, "or from some bloody whip in their own hands.
"They ran from cradle to cradle till at last "their beauty dropped out of the loneliness "of body and soul.
" I can't bear any more Yeats, Cleave.
- Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! Do you still regard him as a friend? I'm not going to say anything that will prejudice this case either way.
Thank you.
Please get out of my way.
Any comments, Mr Meagher? - Hey.
- Hey.
So how are the kids? Oh, fine.
So, there's stuff to talk about, I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I thought we should have a chat about the slight problem of you and I having had a baby together and what you're intending to do about that.
Yep.
Right.
Look, I want to make it easy on you, Barney - Easy isn't that simple.
- No I'm not meaning to cut you or him out.
- You know that, right? - Mm-hm.
But the kids need me right now and I will make it up to you and Iain, I promise.
Yeah, I don't want you to do anything out of some sense of bloody duty, Barney.
I am No, I'm good, you know? I am actually fine.
I feel free, I feel happy.
I don't feel the weight of you anymore.
No, I didn't mean that like that.
The weight of me? Really.
Honestly.
Yeah, you can take that to the bank.
Fuck! Oh, shit.
I slept with Scarlet a few days before she died.
We were talking about getting back together.
OK.
Alright, well, then .
.
it's clear we're over.
- We should talk about money, then.
- Yep.
Yeah, we should.
Miss? Miss! Missy! Who's that? Who the fuck is that? Piss off! Alright, mate.
Cleaver? - Phil! - Sorry, mate.
- Been a while.
- Yeah! - Not since the old amphetamine bust.
- That's right.
You wanna come in for a cuppa? There's some Earl Grey in there.
Uh, no, look, I've got to zip into work, Phil.
I was just seeing if your neighbour was in there.
- Mate, what a screw-up she is.
- Oh.
She cleared off, mate.
She kept trying to score off me.
- Right.
- But she ain't got no cashola.
Told her to fuck off politely.
She went gonzo.
Do you know where she went, mate? Nope.
Some big guy pulled up in his limo.
- What big guy? - I don't know! - Right.
- He was as white as her.
Sure you don't want to come in for a cuppa? There's some, uh, chemicals on the stove I need to watch.
OK, no, look, I'm really good, thanks, mate.
Thanks anyway, Philly.
Mate, next time.
It's great to see you.
Great to catch up again.
Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry.
I had to leave my son with my mother and then the traffic was horrendous.
I understand.
Only 13 minutes late.
Still within my critical 15-minute window -- my good grace window, if you will -- before I have to dock pay, so all fine.
- Thanks.
- But let's not make a habit of it.
No, I will not.
It's just three times late within two weeks.
I understand.
- Now to more pressing issues.
- Yeah.
The McInerney estate.
In four places, you have used a semicolon rather than a colon to precede a listing of items.
Remember our friend the semicolon is used to cojoin two separate yet connected ideas within the one sentence.
It should never be used as a harbinger of a list.
That's a job for for Mr Colon.
So, mate, usual drill.
Uh, we plead not guilty but as soon as the prosecution offers a deal, we grab it with both hands, you know.
Yeah, well Oh, whoa! Whoa! No, still going on that, mate, thanks.
Yeah, well I'd like to be out of the slammer by July 8.
Yeah, uh, the justice system doesn't really work like that, mate.
Can I get you another coffee? No, no, still good on that, thanks, mate.
A muffin? Toast? Maybe a glass of tap water.
Oh.
To what do we owe the pleasure? I'm taking my old job back.
Haven't you been working for me? - Hi, Nicole.
- Hi, Rance.
No.
- You remember Rance? - I do.
Hello.
Rance, Nicole.
No, I have not been working for you because work and payment are cojoined concepts.
Trying to think of the last time we spoke.
Was it the break and enter or the assault? Yeah, lost to memory.
I cannot get a decent job with any other lawyer.
Well, I'll, uh, write you a reference.
Please, a reference from you is like a flame to rayon.
This is the reason why I can't get a decent job.
Look, I might I'll think about taking you back under certain conditions.
Unfortunately the pay won't be The usual pay and conditions.
And I take it that you don't have any chambers? No, well, we don't need chambers.
I mean, I'm not a slave to bricks and mortar.
I mean, this place, look at this.
This is great in the mornings, isn't it? Yeah, and we have the Hollywood in the afternoons.
Hollywood in the afternoons.
Singing it from the same hymn sheet Just a water for me, thank you.
You have to order something.
Uh, well, then I will have a weak soy latte, thank you.
And still waiting on that tap water there, thanks, Keano.
Any previous convictions, Mr Walsh? Reggie.
How do you mean, convictions? How do you think I mean? Oh, the odd restraining order here and there, if they count.
They do.
I'm a photojournalist.
Not according to the police report.
Restraining orders go with the territory.
You can't go within 500 metres of Nicole, two k's of Crowey, and I'm not allowed in the same suburb as Hugh Jackman.
You're paparazzi, then.
If you like.
I tell stories with my pictures, yeah.
These are very serious charges.
Break and entry, lewd act, hacking.
I don't hack.
I pay other people to hack for me.
Kids, mainly.
No point in chasing celebs if you don't know what they're up to.
Learnt that lesson the hard way with Jackman.
Prick.
Too nice.
Wasted years chasing the bastard.
Got nothing.
I'm going to have to brief someone for you.
Yeah, I thought your mate Greene.
I know you two have issues.
God, he gets a bit feisty, doesn't he, in his texts? But since your ex got murdered, you two have been a bit closer, right? This, uh, David Potter business.
That's a bloody bolt out of the blue, isn't it? Why? Well, there's nothing in it.
It was an accident.
Who's to say what happened? You don't think he did it? Wasn't there.
Can we focus on the brief? Yeah, sure, mate.
Fuck! She looks like a Botticelli angel in this.
Do we know why he was wanking off over this one in particular? Ask him.
He's probably listening in on us right now.
It's a nice photo.
Have you noticed, there seems to be a lot of wanking going on these days.
Are you with that? I mean, it didn't used to be like that in our day, did it? You know, when I was 15, the idea of there being such a thing as too much porn I mean, God, it was hard to find.
Do you remember that? And when I tracked down a bit, I used to .
.
I'd feel like Magellan or Captain Cook, discovering brave new worlds.
So exciting.
I grieve for lost innocence, mate.
When were you ever innocent? 1980, if you must know.
Before Ruth Fetherby .
.
let me have a little feel down there, and wow! And there was a really dense thicket, like a .
.
like a miniature Airedale had decamped in her pantaloons.
But, you know, I mean, what used to pass for porn in our days, those kind of I mean, that's all You find that in women's magazines now, don't you? I guess they're just catching up to us, in a way, if you think about it.
Barnyard, you're not with me, are you, mate? - Barney? - Mm? Mate, I'm shithouse at this stuff, alright, but if you need to download at all or if I can help out No, you can.
Just remember to come to the mediation.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the the thing on Thursday.
Wednesday.
It's the the balloon fine business.
It's not a fine.
It's costs, remember? - Yeah, costs, costs.
- Jesus! Mate, it's alright.
It's OK.
Just leave it to Leave it to Cleaver.
Wow! Uh, er, OK, I haven't got time for coffee, so what I'm about to say will be unedited gabble.
Gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble.
- I'm heading to the States for a bit.
- Mm-hm.
I have no idea how long exactly.
It could be days, could be weeks, depends on negotiations.
Oh, that's nice.
No, that is great for you.
No, I will be locked in a room arguing IP issues.
Oh.
And I will spend my nights in hotel rooms .
.
wishing you were with me, sharing my bed.
You really still want me, after how I treated you? We both stuffed up.
We spent so much time convincing each other not to have sex, you know, trying to make our nuptial night special.
We should have been at it like rabbits.
Yes, we should have.
In a show of what some are calling political generosity, New South Wales Attorney-General Sarah Colbert Yeah.
Oh! God, this stuff's got balls! .
.
murder trial of David Potter.
- He didn't do it.
- Ah, I'm sure he didn't.
Who's that, love? David is a good man.
He's not like anyone else I know.
- No.
- He would not hurt anyone.
But, see, that's what makes him going down all the more delicious.
Man's a milksop.
He's a cream puff.
He's a meringue.
Can you just ask? Look, it's just really tricky right now with everything.
- Mum? - Mmm Monique would like to stay a few more nights.
Yeah, that's fine.
There's an issue she has about sex without commitment, so she can't stay in my room.
Well, what do you want me to do? Build her one? We're not in a good place right now.
We're going through a kind of trial separation.
Oh.
Mate, in my day, a trial separation meant you you'd split up for a month so you could root all the people you had lined up, and then you get back together again and pretend that nothing happened.
That was how morality worked in our day, and it was actually a really good system, wasn't it? Monique has some parental issues.
She has nowhere else to go, she got evicted from her last place.
She she's kind of desperate.
Excuse me, Wendy, I'll sleep on the couch.
No, darling, you're not sleeping on the couch.
Don't have a room in this house to call my own.
You're not sleeping in my living room.
No, well said.
And you are sleeping on a lilo in Fuzz's room.
What? No, I'm what are you Wendy, I am How can that be fair? Hell's a-poppin'! He dumps her, so she gets my room and he gets the fucking Palace of Versailles?! I love our little mother-daughter life lessons.
Ohh! Mama, I can live without this advice.
OK? Oh, Mama! Finn.
Finnegan.
I don't want this any more than you do.
I want to make us work.
I mean it, Finn.
Even though I want to be with you, I just .
.
I just find it really hard to Oh, God! Fuck me! I think what you've said is, like, really unfair.
Oh, fuck, will you just pick a room? Because I think you've seen pretty much all the house has to offer! Just either have sex or not, OK? Because that is all he wants! He's 22 years old.
He's 94% penis! There's a duty of care issue in this house.
Please tell me this isn't The Bridges of Madison County.
It isn't.
It's my house, it's my Tuesday and it's my film.
Fuck off.
Oh! Please fuck off.
Ohh.
Off I fuck.
Morning, Cleave.
There is a trend back to a little bit more growth down there now.
A 2.
5cm by 1.
1cm furrow.
Just a hint.
We call it our Cuban Airstrip.
Yeah, I mean I definitely want something down there.
I mean, you know, I'm not a child.
Have reached puberty.
A lot of women feel that way these days.
Now, how are we on the bottom? Oh, oh, absolutely fine, thank you.
You know, it's how the truth is told now.
We dig deep.
We unlock secrets.
I am Woodward and Bernstein with a camera.
I am a truth seeker.
Yeah, the truth being what, mate? Why don't you just tell us why you broke into Star and Kyle's joint and tried to impregnate a wall hanging? Star was What? What was Star? Was she She was beautiful that night.
She's not herself now.
She's not real anymore.
Anyway, that photo was mine, it's my copyright and by rights I should be suing them.
That photo was taken the night she met him.
You know, surely a man has the right to spunk over whatever is his.
Barnyard.
Hey! So you reckon you can find anyone? Barn! Barney! Well, if I can't, I know people who can.
Sure.
Who do you want? Melissa Partridge.
Do you want shots of her nude or clothed? No.
No, mate.
It's not like that, mate.
Just find her.
Ohh! Sarah and Kendall have announced their love is true the third time around.
So that's good news, isn't it? Whoever Sarah and Kendall are.
Oh, my God.
Kristin Vanderbilt's shock cellulite diagnosis.
Fuck! Did you know she was suffering from cellulite? Her mum and dad must be beside themselves.
We go in there, we apologise, we listen, we state our position, but above all, we are humble and contrite.
Mate, Humble and Contrite was what I wanted to name my firstborn children.
- But Wendy - I'm bloody serious! Yes, I've heard you.
Alright.
Aunty Barney.
The two of you have behaved like adolescents out on a rampage.
Taking an air balloon directly into shared airspace? Well, technically it took itself up there.
I mean, we didn't exactly want to be up there.
You know, I I tripped on a rope and we suddenly found ourselves in a Jules Verne novel.
I represent a government who prides itself in fiscal responsibility, and no responsible government pays for bloody absurd balloon flights! Ooh.
72 hours of aerial and naval surveillance just to find you.
Yeah, but you didn't find us.
This moron found himself, you know, on some whale stranding beach in the North Island, and I managed to disembark through a plate glass window into a luncheon party.
You know, I've been instructed not to make an example out of you, Mr Meagher, because of your recent loss.
But when I see photos of you mixing it with so-called celebrities, making hay out of your absurd balloon rides, my blood boils.
I wanna fuckin' make mincemeat out of you.
Jesus! Alright, settle down, tiger.
I thought this was supposed to be a mediation.
Oh, you know all about government mediation, do you, Mr Greene? No, never had the pleasure.
Well, it tends to go like this.
Holy shit! I have lost 3,000 close friends due to public cutbacks, and you You don't have any friends.
No-one as odious as you could possibly have a single friend.
Who the fuck would like you? The woman sitting next to you hates you.
I've only known you for three minutes and I hate you.
I hated you from the moment we first shook hands.
Fiscal responsibility! Tell me, what are the numbers on Afghanistan? This is the same government that sanctioned the Cambodia solution.
Resettling four people at 10 million a head.
Kicking human cans of suffering down the road and coming after me? After the millions of dollars I've paid in taxes over the years? You are nothing but a bully in search of soft targets.
Well, you appalling piece of shit, I am not a soft target.
So go fuck yourself, 'cause no-one else will.
Well, I was prepared to settle for something today, but now you can be sure .
.
the cost order is gonna stand.
We should, um .
.
we should really cross-check dictionaries sometime, because I'm pretty sure mine's got a different interpretation of humble and contrite.
Good, then.
Have you spoken to him recently? 'Cause I'm not sure he's entirely with us.
Yeah, well, who would be under these circumstances, Cleaver? Jesus.
I mean fuck, Scarlet's dead, Harry's been charged.
It's a nightmare.
Harry's not gonna do time.
Cleave, Cleave, please tell me you're not seriously considering entering a not guilty plea for Reggie Watts? I mean, I really I don't have time for this bullshit.
Well, I've got my instructions, Jules.
It's actually a case of great nuance and complexity.
You know Beirworth is sitting on it? Ah, wonderful.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Look, I'll cut you a deal, OK? It's 18 months, he does 9.
We've actually got a very strong case, Jules.
Alright.
Your funeral.
You have nothing.
Oh, I've got less than that.
Holy shit.
Oils.
I reckon I was there on that night.
Oh, man, there was this backup band.
The Sartres.
Oh, weren't they things of beauty? Jesus, that was a long weekend, that one.
Fuck! Johnny Rotten.
What a shot.
So, Cleaver, what what's the plan? - The plan? - Mmm.
Ah.
The plan is that we Oh, mate, that's beautiful.
We we we plead guilty, nine months suspended.
That's the plan.
Oh, no, I can't have a conviction recorded.
No, I gotta head to the States for the season.
The season There's a season? Spring.
Big infidelity time.
Ahh.
Is that the Entertainment Centre in '86? 'Cause I was there too.
Do you know Jagger? Yeah, Cleaver, I don't really give a shit about famous people.
I only know their market value.
Mm.
Yeah, I I Yeah.
Um, I can't see your picture of Star Mannix anywhere, mate.
Well, that's the hook.
The woman I fell for was a young goddess.
Untouched.
Timeless.
I have never taken a better photo than that.
It was an accident of light.
The skin tones, the intensity of those eyes.
The two of us created that moment.
Right.
And then she married that troll and dyed her hair.
This was her two weeks ago.
Hey, Danny, wanna meet for a blow job? I can do youse in the carpark.
I shaved it for you in the shape you wanted, too.
I'll send you a photo.
Stand by.
Well, to be fair, Mona Lisa's smile was probably just hiding bad teeth.
She doesn't deserve to be immortalised.
Oh, bloody hell, Mum! Ohh Mmm.
"Love Rat Ben.
The affair we were never meant to know about.
" "Soap star in sex tryst in full view of shocked family.
" So much fucking shock going on.
Honestly, there's 7 billion people in the world.
There's a lot of sex going on.
Why is everybody so shocked that other people are having it? - And why do you lot - What, all women? Yes, all women.
Feel free to pass judgement on other women.
Guys just aren't that fussy.
Well, I seem to remember you getting pretty panicky about Jonah what's-his-name putting on three kilos - Simmons? - Yeah, before the football.
Hello! That's sport.
That's serious.
Maybe because women are, you know, going out of their minds married to dull, tedious, soporific bores.
Oh, this is brain melt.
My brain is melting just looking at the fuckin' stuff.
Well, Cleave, you're the one defending him.
I mean, what's-his-name is your client.
How're you going to defend this brain melt? Ohh.
Ohhh Shock.
Intrigue.
And still more shock.
Ladies and gentleMAN of the jury, today's trial will produce startling revelations that will disturb and, yes, appal you.
Governments seek to withhold the truth from us.
They want to hide information that you and I have a right to hear.
They will go to great lengths to suppress the truth.
Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, the brave whistleblowers of our age, they keep us honest.
My client, Reggie Watts, is one of them.
He is a truth seeker, bringing you the stories that you need to know It's not going to be another one of those days, is it, Mr Greene? Oh, what days are those, Your Honour? Just stick to the facts.
Oh, I intend to, Your Honour.
Scandalous though those facts may be.
So I come into the bedroom and I find this bloke with his trousers down his knees tugging at his penis, looking into Star's picture.
Can you point the man out? That creep there.
Let it be recorded for the record that the witness has identified the accused.
Now, at any time, were you aware that your emails or phone was being hacked? Absolutely not.
Thank you.
Mr Greene.
Uh, Your Honour, I refer to Exhibit C, currently distributed amongst the jury.
Mrs Mannix, in Exhibit C, you will find an article about you.
A well known and beautiful face.
"The Good and Faithful Wife.
" Thank you.
You're welcome.
These exclusive wedding photos, Mrs Mannix, how much were you and hubby paid for these? 50 grand.
I see.
So, 50,000 for the rights to what, for most of us, is an intimate, private celebration for family and friends, and yet for you was a sort of celebrity circus? It helped pay for the wedding.
I see.
So So being the second-best player in the league behind Daniel Killick doesn't pay Kyle enough? Can you tell me, what were you paid for "Star Mannix -- My Heartbreak Years of IVF"? Er, 30 30 grand, maybe? Or perhaps 30 pieces of silver in the old currency.
And what about this shock near-nude photo I'm wearing a bikini in that.
- Er, Your Honour - Move it on, Mr Greene.
So, Mrs Mannix, you were happy to use my client's great gifts as a photographer to propel your celebrity status but only when it suited you? I don't want my privacy invaded.
Oh, but you do.
You do, Mrs Mannix.
Your wedding, the IVF, shock near-nude photos I'm at the beach there.
And yet, when my client, the artist, the truth seeker, this man who now stands reviled and accused, this man who created you from nothing Last warning.
.
.
stumbles onto a truth that is so scandalous, so terrible that he had to confirm it for himself before committing it to print, suddenly you want to throw him in prison! - What's he talkin' about? - Your Honour! This court will not be interrupted.
Mr Greene! Are you or are you not currently engaged in an unholy tryst with love rat Daniel Killick What the fuck? .
.
winner of this year's Cubby G Award? What? That is a lie.
Is it? Can you tell me if these words sound familiar to you? Your siren song.
"Wanna meet for a blow job? I can do youse in the carpark.
" What? "I shaved it for youse in the shape you wanted, too.
" "I'll send you a photo.
" No, Star! That was a private phone call.
Tell me this is bullshit! Well, what else could I do? You were off with the little bitch from the supermarket! - Fuckin' slag! - Sit down! Sit down, all of you.
Mr Greene, as always, you have overstepped the mark.
If you have nothing concrete to contribute I'd suggest the defence rests.
Your Honour, with the greatest respect No respect, Mr Greene! You treat it like a carnival sideshow.
Ms Crown, your closing remarks, please.
Um, well, they're the same as my opening remarks, Your Honour.
The Crown is calling for a custodial sentence.
Nicely brief, thank you.
Mr Greene? I dare to ask.
Thank you, Your Honour.
Is freedom indivisible? Is it an inalienable right? That is what is on trial today.
Now, we have here a celebrity couple who courted fame, who treated their life as a sort of giant bidding war.
Now, I don't blame Star Mannix for one moment for her secret love tryst with Daniel Killick.
That's her business.
But nor in turn can she blame my client, Reggie Watts, a seeker of truth.
Tragically, ladies and gentleman, this is how we treat our truth seekers today.
We haul them off in handcuffs and sentence them to silence.
As a society, we don't know how to value the truth.
We can't handle the truth.
Julian Assange ends up locked in an Ecuadorian embassy, Edward Snowden in some frozen Russian wasteland.
Reggie Watts, pathetically ejaculating over portraits on bedroom walls.
Our hypocrisy seeks both to punish the truth seeker and to demand his wares.
Now, no-one who has ever bought or read one of these magazines is innocent in this.
My client is simply a frontline trooper doing all of our dirty work for us and I'm betting that all of you would like to know what the next instalment is in this couple's squalid imbroglio, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Thank you, Your Honour.
Found Melissa Partridge for you.
Where is she? They're ready for you.
That was quick.
Not a good sign, is it? No, frankly, mate.
Possibly not.
Have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honour.
And how did you find the accused on all three charges? We the jury find Reginald Watts not guilty on all charges.
Pardon? Not guilty, Your Honour.
What? Seriously? Yes, Your Honour.
How could you possibly Fine.
Jury dismissed.
It's a great day for freedom, Jules.
Get the fuck off! Not getting any snaps of this, mate? No, not today.
I only do exclusives.
Ah.
I love your work, Cleaver.
Ooh.
Did you order room service? Maybe I did.
I could have.
Maybe.
Maybe, yes.
Cal McGregor, you in there? Hey! You get out of here or I will kill you! Come on, Reggie, in you come.
Off you go, mate.
Knock yourself out.
Ooh, look at the shock.
That's great! Shock! I need more contrast.
Here, let me get this.
Holy shit! Oh, that's better.
Oh, yeah, that Get that fucking camera out of here! - That's better.
- I'm calling the police.
Yeah, good idea.
It'll add to the whole sort of drama of the occasion.
Especially with the coke there.
Reggie, did you get that coke? With the underpants in the background? Hey, I'm thinking sort of maybe on a long lens, something a bit grainy.
She is here of her own free will.
No, mate, she's off her fucking gourd and you're taking advantage of her.
Miss.
Do you remember when I tried to eat my own vomit because I thought it was goulash? - Ooh! - And you stopped me? That was my rock bottom.
Do you want to see your rock bottom? There it is, there.
That's your rock bottom.
Now listen to me, fucknut.
You let her collect her stuff and we walk out of here and you have Reggie's word as a truth seeker that these photos will never see the light of day.
You are a dead man walking, Cleaver.
Off we pop.
Dead man walking! Melissa! Melissa! Hey.
Oh, no.
No, no, Cleave.
Oh, she needs help.
No, take her to a clinic.
Well, she can't afford a clinic.
She's got no money.
Well, that's not my fucking problem.
She's a prostitute that you had an affair with.
No offence, darling.
Oh, come on, look, this is your territory.
It's all psychological, you know, and she just needs time off the gear.
Yes! And you, more than anyone, know how hard that is! I'll find somewhere.
I'll be fine.
Miss! - Missy! Oh, God.
- Oh, watch it, Miss.
- I hate you right now, Cleave.
- Mmm.
Genuine, deep-rooted hate.
Yeah.
Can't say I blame you.
She can share my room.
- Why your room? - It has a lock.
And security bars.
Ahh.
Ah I need you to say yes, David, and then we can proceed.
We plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter and you and I are at Fortham's, opening the champers.
You seriously think I have anything to celebrate? Well, it's that or prison, mate.
Your call.
OK.
OK what? Just OK.
Come on, let's get you into bed.
- Come on, good girl.
- Don't even worry about me.
You know who you should be helping? It's David.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
He's not like all of you others.
Well, I guess he's a little bit like you, Cleave, except he's not as fucked in the head.
Ohh.
Be an achievement if he was.
- Doc! - Hmm? One week.
- I'm sorry, baby, it's over.
- No, no, no, I don't accept that.
No.
No, no, I love you but it's really over.
- No, no, no, please, I love you.
- No, no.
No, no, no, no, it's o it is over.
Dead poultry, yeah? Fuck! Why are you doing this to yourself, night after night? What are you looking for? Do you really think you're going to lead a brave new adventurous life? You won't.
Fabulous celebrities don't lead big lives.
They just lead dull, daily shit, day-after-day lives.
Oh, well, fuck, thanks.
That really cheers me up.
Darlin' Darlin' There are more people our age than there are atoms in a cow, and we're all getting older and we all want to change our lives.
Soon there'll be nothing left but films about old people getting a new lease on life, or resparking a marriage they thought was dead and buying an English language bookshop in Sardinia and drinking bottles of chianti and watching perfect sunsets with their old friends, including one curmudgeonly bloke who's really just lonely and one uneducated local who keeps promising to fix everything and he never does and everybody loves him anyway, and it's all just bullshit! How do you know it's bullshit? It's bullsh It's got to It's bullsh I don't know.
Maybe it's true.
Oh, fuck, go to bed, Cleave.
Oh, God, I can't, I can't.
There are children in there fornicating, or not.
Well, if they are, it will be over very, very soon, so I have a woman in my bed, hallucinating.
Would you ever open a bookshop in Sardinia? With you? In a heartbeat.
Goodnight.
Missy's right, you know? About what? What the hell are you doing here, Cleaver? Is Malcolm trying to get you to plead guilty for involuntary manslaughter? Come on, open your little thing.
Let me in, for fuck's sake.
Fuck! The last thing on earth I need right now is you here gloating.
Mate, you're a politician, yeah? This is as much political as it is criminal.
You do a deal, I bet you a beer you still end up doing time.
Nothing's going to make the government as happy as piccies of you being led off in cuffs.
Think about it.
What? You think you should defend me? Well, I've told you my opinion.
My conscience is clear.
It was a terrible, dumb, stupid, awful fucking accident! I took a half step back and it took a human life.
And I am in hell.
I loved her so much.
Yeah, I know.
She did not! Open the door! Just piss off, alright? Or I'll call the cops.
Are you tracking me as well? He is a walking sack of bile and pus.
Is he not? Are you that perverse that you would take my money then sell me down the river, you piece of shit? Wake up! Fuzz, I need to know where your mother is now.
Is this about Jack? Who's been having that conversation because I certainly wasn't part of it.
- You kissed me.
- Crap! And you kissed me.
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation
Now, you were there today when sensational allegations were made against your dear friend, about the cocaine.
Where is this coke? 'Cause if you have some, I could really use a line.
Patience.
Ohh! Oh, are you kidding me? Well, you said it was just for a couple of weeks.
You are deliberately white-anting my birthday because of this hot-air balloon bullshit.
How dare you think I'd do that? You're bringing boxes down and taking them back up again.
It's crazy.
I am proud to announce to you all here tonight my candidacy for the Senate.
Jesus Christ, I'm sick of this! What the fuck is that? Dan weak-as-shit Killick, fucking Cubby G awards.
Give me a fuckin' break.
Why'd we have to leave so early, babe? I really I wanted to dance tonight.
It's fuckin' rigged.
Not going again next year, that's for fuckin' sure.
Dan Killick.
Not a third of the fuckin' player I am.
Just I think you've gotta chill out.
It's really not a big de What the fuck? (Babe!) (Shut the fuck up!) Whack him, Kyle! That's him! Tear his fucking balls off! Two toast.
One more in transit.
You butter and apply spread of individual choice.
An apple for each box.
I don't like apples.
Today is the day you will learn.
And a treat for each box.
One, two, three! What? I told you I had stuff with other people.
You said you were with me.
I've always had these issues.
It's really hard.
Bullshit! I said from the start that I had commitment issues.
Bullshit.
You said you were a one-girl guy.
I am a one-girl guy with commitment issues.
It's actually really difficult.
How old's this coffee? About two hours.
We, like, need to work this out because I am not sacrificing myself for Milk! I think it's off.
Not for someone who's only interested in sex.
- There, I've said it.
- That's unfair.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Think about it, Finnegan.
When was the last time you called me before 10 o'clock at night? When was the last time you took me out for dinner? When was the last time you held my hand? When was the last time you kissed me on the cheek? When was the last time you did anything? OK, guys.
I shall be standing .
.
in this very same position .
.
tonight .
.
when you return.
I shall not move all day.
Confirming that David Potter, the man once described as too clean for politics, is expected to stand down as Leader of the State Opposition following police charging him for the murder of Scarlet Engels.
It was just 12 short weeks ago where leading Sydney barrister Scarlet Engels was laid to rest by her family and friends.
As from today I am resigning as Leader of the Opposition.
It has been a great honour serving this great party.
I believe in my time as leader, we have achieved a lot as a party.
Well a bit.
Not much, really.
Not much at all.
Thank you.
That's all I have to say.
Yes, we will be strenuously fighting these charges.
Mr Potter has cooperated closely with the police, and is looking forward to having the opportunity of clearing his name.
Excuse us.
You alright? How many times have you scoffed when you've heard a pollie say that? "I'm looking forward to clearing my name.
" Well, I mean it, Malcolm.
We fight this to the end.
Uh, reality check.
Excuse the sound and light show.
Three lovable, impish children.
Smiling young faces with all of their wonderful futures ahead of them.
Scarlet, so beautiful and so dead, no longer able to hold her darlings in her motherly embrace.
And then there's you .
.
politician on murder charges.
Murder.
It really is murder, right? Oh, fuck.
Lovable impish kids, dead beautiful mum, politician who rogered his mate's wife.
OK, alright, I get it.
But I am innocent.
Fine.
Then you find me a jury anywhere in the world that doesn't want to send a politician to prison and we'll plead not guilty.
I couldn't have killed her.
Oh, so you remember exactly what you were thinking at the time, what torrents of emotion were coursing through your mind in the split second that she approached you? She didn't approach me.
She was carrying a box.
Oh, what was in the box? How the fuck am I supposed to know? It was her box.
So you were in front of her? I had my back turned to her when it happened, I'm sure.
You're going to have to be bloody sure in court.
You're a lawyer.
You know what they'll do to you on the stand.
Maybe in a couple of years you write a book and somewhat rehabilitate your name.
But in the meantime, we have to do a deal.
It's your only option.
Accept involuntary manslaughter and all this goes away.
Everyone'll think I murdered her.
They already do, mate.
I just think the very fact we keep having this argument over and over is what's poisoning our relationship.
I know, I know.
I agree with you.
Oh, fuck.
Have you two been doing this all day? This is private.
Not on the evidence.
Sorry, I just I think that Trouble at Grand Central? Don't know.
Not interested.
All that sparkle, all that they meant to each other, dead after two full weeks? Mm.
Who would have seen it coming? You know, I think if death means anything to me, it means that deep down, I know that I want a different kind of life before I die.
You know, I want to do something exciting, or just something slightly exotic.
Live in a cottage in Sardinia, or something.
What is it about death that makes everyone want to move to a cottage in Italy? I've always lived with other people.
I've always been at their beck and call.
When people die in Italy, do you reckon they're all wanting to pull up stumps and move to Balmain? My parents, then a shared student house, and then you, and then you and Fuzz.
Then two other marriages, and then Fuzz.
- And now you and Fuzz again.
- Me and Fuzz.
Yeah.
It's Yeah, but it's nice, isn't it? I mean, come on, with Fuzz here it's Oh, well, not with the you know.
It's like old times.
I don't want old times, Cleave.
I don't.
They're too traumatic, you know? I just Oh! I have to have something to look forward to.
I really want you to find new accommodation.
- You know, I find it so confusing - Yeah, yeah, I'm.
- I'm looking.
- You're not! Oh, well, I'm I am thinking about getting started on the possibility of looking.
Don't you worry about that.
Do you think about Scarlet much? All the time.
Do you? Honestly, before today, hardly at all.
I don't know what it is about today.
You know, I I went to the funeral, I cried real tears, I hugged Barney and those poor kids.
And the next morning I woke up, I cried more real tears.
That was it.
I went to the gym, ran on the treadmill for an hour trying to tone my arse.
"The song will have it "that those that we have loved ".
.
got their long fingers "from death, and wounds, "or on Sinai's top, "or from some bloody whip in their own hands.
"They ran from cradle to cradle till at last "their beauty dropped out of the loneliness "of body and soul.
" I can't bear any more Yeats, Cleave.
- Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! - Mr Meagher! Do you still regard him as a friend? I'm not going to say anything that will prejudice this case either way.
Thank you.
Please get out of my way.
Any comments, Mr Meagher? - Hey.
- Hey.
So how are the kids? Oh, fine.
So, there's stuff to talk about, I guess.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I thought we should have a chat about the slight problem of you and I having had a baby together and what you're intending to do about that.
Yep.
Right.
Look, I want to make it easy on you, Barney - Easy isn't that simple.
- No I'm not meaning to cut you or him out.
- You know that, right? - Mm-hm.
But the kids need me right now and I will make it up to you and Iain, I promise.
Yeah, I don't want you to do anything out of some sense of bloody duty, Barney.
I am No, I'm good, you know? I am actually fine.
I feel free, I feel happy.
I don't feel the weight of you anymore.
No, I didn't mean that like that.
The weight of me? Really.
Honestly.
Yeah, you can take that to the bank.
Fuck! Oh, shit.
I slept with Scarlet a few days before she died.
We were talking about getting back together.
OK.
Alright, well, then .
.
it's clear we're over.
- We should talk about money, then.
- Yep.
Yeah, we should.
Miss? Miss! Missy! Who's that? Who the fuck is that? Piss off! Alright, mate.
Cleaver? - Phil! - Sorry, mate.
- Been a while.
- Yeah! - Not since the old amphetamine bust.
- That's right.
You wanna come in for a cuppa? There's some Earl Grey in there.
Uh, no, look, I've got to zip into work, Phil.
I was just seeing if your neighbour was in there.
- Mate, what a screw-up she is.
- Oh.
She cleared off, mate.
She kept trying to score off me.
- Right.
- But she ain't got no cashola.
Told her to fuck off politely.
She went gonzo.
Do you know where she went, mate? Nope.
Some big guy pulled up in his limo.
- What big guy? - I don't know! - Right.
- He was as white as her.
Sure you don't want to come in for a cuppa? There's some, uh, chemicals on the stove I need to watch.
OK, no, look, I'm really good, thanks, mate.
Thanks anyway, Philly.
Mate, next time.
It's great to see you.
Great to catch up again.
Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry.
I had to leave my son with my mother and then the traffic was horrendous.
I understand.
Only 13 minutes late.
Still within my critical 15-minute window -- my good grace window, if you will -- before I have to dock pay, so all fine.
- Thanks.
- But let's not make a habit of it.
No, I will not.
It's just three times late within two weeks.
I understand.
- Now to more pressing issues.
- Yeah.
The McInerney estate.
In four places, you have used a semicolon rather than a colon to precede a listing of items.
Remember our friend the semicolon is used to cojoin two separate yet connected ideas within the one sentence.
It should never be used as a harbinger of a list.
That's a job for for Mr Colon.
So, mate, usual drill.
Uh, we plead not guilty but as soon as the prosecution offers a deal, we grab it with both hands, you know.
Yeah, well Oh, whoa! Whoa! No, still going on that, mate, thanks.
Yeah, well I'd like to be out of the slammer by July 8.
Yeah, uh, the justice system doesn't really work like that, mate.
Can I get you another coffee? No, no, still good on that, thanks, mate.
A muffin? Toast? Maybe a glass of tap water.
Oh.
To what do we owe the pleasure? I'm taking my old job back.
Haven't you been working for me? - Hi, Nicole.
- Hi, Rance.
No.
- You remember Rance? - I do.
Hello.
Rance, Nicole.
No, I have not been working for you because work and payment are cojoined concepts.
Trying to think of the last time we spoke.
Was it the break and enter or the assault? Yeah, lost to memory.
I cannot get a decent job with any other lawyer.
Well, I'll, uh, write you a reference.
Please, a reference from you is like a flame to rayon.
This is the reason why I can't get a decent job.
Look, I might I'll think about taking you back under certain conditions.
Unfortunately the pay won't be The usual pay and conditions.
And I take it that you don't have any chambers? No, well, we don't need chambers.
I mean, I'm not a slave to bricks and mortar.
I mean, this place, look at this.
This is great in the mornings, isn't it? Yeah, and we have the Hollywood in the afternoons.
Hollywood in the afternoons.
Singing it from the same hymn sheet Just a water for me, thank you.
You have to order something.
Uh, well, then I will have a weak soy latte, thank you.
And still waiting on that tap water there, thanks, Keano.
Any previous convictions, Mr Walsh? Reggie.
How do you mean, convictions? How do you think I mean? Oh, the odd restraining order here and there, if they count.
They do.
I'm a photojournalist.
Not according to the police report.
Restraining orders go with the territory.
You can't go within 500 metres of Nicole, two k's of Crowey, and I'm not allowed in the same suburb as Hugh Jackman.
You're paparazzi, then.
If you like.
I tell stories with my pictures, yeah.
These are very serious charges.
Break and entry, lewd act, hacking.
I don't hack.
I pay other people to hack for me.
Kids, mainly.
No point in chasing celebs if you don't know what they're up to.
Learnt that lesson the hard way with Jackman.
Prick.
Too nice.
Wasted years chasing the bastard.
Got nothing.
I'm going to have to brief someone for you.
Yeah, I thought your mate Greene.
I know you two have issues.
God, he gets a bit feisty, doesn't he, in his texts? But since your ex got murdered, you two have been a bit closer, right? This, uh, David Potter business.
That's a bloody bolt out of the blue, isn't it? Why? Well, there's nothing in it.
It was an accident.
Who's to say what happened? You don't think he did it? Wasn't there.
Can we focus on the brief? Yeah, sure, mate.
Fuck! She looks like a Botticelli angel in this.
Do we know why he was wanking off over this one in particular? Ask him.
He's probably listening in on us right now.
It's a nice photo.
Have you noticed, there seems to be a lot of wanking going on these days.
Are you with that? I mean, it didn't used to be like that in our day, did it? You know, when I was 15, the idea of there being such a thing as too much porn I mean, God, it was hard to find.
Do you remember that? And when I tracked down a bit, I used to .
.
I'd feel like Magellan or Captain Cook, discovering brave new worlds.
So exciting.
I grieve for lost innocence, mate.
When were you ever innocent? 1980, if you must know.
Before Ruth Fetherby .
.
let me have a little feel down there, and wow! And there was a really dense thicket, like a .
.
like a miniature Airedale had decamped in her pantaloons.
But, you know, I mean, what used to pass for porn in our days, those kind of I mean, that's all You find that in women's magazines now, don't you? I guess they're just catching up to us, in a way, if you think about it.
Barnyard, you're not with me, are you, mate? - Barney? - Mm? Mate, I'm shithouse at this stuff, alright, but if you need to download at all or if I can help out No, you can.
Just remember to come to the mediation.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the the thing on Thursday.
Wednesday.
It's the the balloon fine business.
It's not a fine.
It's costs, remember? - Yeah, costs, costs.
- Jesus! Mate, it's alright.
It's OK.
Just leave it to Leave it to Cleaver.
Wow! Uh, er, OK, I haven't got time for coffee, so what I'm about to say will be unedited gabble.
Gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble.
- I'm heading to the States for a bit.
- Mm-hm.
I have no idea how long exactly.
It could be days, could be weeks, depends on negotiations.
Oh, that's nice.
No, that is great for you.
No, I will be locked in a room arguing IP issues.
Oh.
And I will spend my nights in hotel rooms .
.
wishing you were with me, sharing my bed.
You really still want me, after how I treated you? We both stuffed up.
We spent so much time convincing each other not to have sex, you know, trying to make our nuptial night special.
We should have been at it like rabbits.
Yes, we should have.
In a show of what some are calling political generosity, New South Wales Attorney-General Sarah Colbert Yeah.
Oh! God, this stuff's got balls! .
.
murder trial of David Potter.
- He didn't do it.
- Ah, I'm sure he didn't.
Who's that, love? David is a good man.
He's not like anyone else I know.
- No.
- He would not hurt anyone.
But, see, that's what makes him going down all the more delicious.
Man's a milksop.
He's a cream puff.
He's a meringue.
Can you just ask? Look, it's just really tricky right now with everything.
- Mum? - Mmm Monique would like to stay a few more nights.
Yeah, that's fine.
There's an issue she has about sex without commitment, so she can't stay in my room.
Well, what do you want me to do? Build her one? We're not in a good place right now.
We're going through a kind of trial separation.
Oh.
Mate, in my day, a trial separation meant you you'd split up for a month so you could root all the people you had lined up, and then you get back together again and pretend that nothing happened.
That was how morality worked in our day, and it was actually a really good system, wasn't it? Monique has some parental issues.
She has nowhere else to go, she got evicted from her last place.
She she's kind of desperate.
Excuse me, Wendy, I'll sleep on the couch.
No, darling, you're not sleeping on the couch.
Don't have a room in this house to call my own.
You're not sleeping in my living room.
No, well said.
And you are sleeping on a lilo in Fuzz's room.
What? No, I'm what are you Wendy, I am How can that be fair? Hell's a-poppin'! He dumps her, so she gets my room and he gets the fucking Palace of Versailles?! I love our little mother-daughter life lessons.
Ohh! Mama, I can live without this advice.
OK? Oh, Mama! Finn.
Finnegan.
I don't want this any more than you do.
I want to make us work.
I mean it, Finn.
Even though I want to be with you, I just .
.
I just find it really hard to Oh, God! Fuck me! I think what you've said is, like, really unfair.
Oh, fuck, will you just pick a room? Because I think you've seen pretty much all the house has to offer! Just either have sex or not, OK? Because that is all he wants! He's 22 years old.
He's 94% penis! There's a duty of care issue in this house.
Please tell me this isn't The Bridges of Madison County.
It isn't.
It's my house, it's my Tuesday and it's my film.
Fuck off.
Oh! Please fuck off.
Ohh.
Off I fuck.
Morning, Cleave.
There is a trend back to a little bit more growth down there now.
A 2.
5cm by 1.
1cm furrow.
Just a hint.
We call it our Cuban Airstrip.
Yeah, I mean I definitely want something down there.
I mean, you know, I'm not a child.
Have reached puberty.
A lot of women feel that way these days.
Now, how are we on the bottom? Oh, oh, absolutely fine, thank you.
You know, it's how the truth is told now.
We dig deep.
We unlock secrets.
I am Woodward and Bernstein with a camera.
I am a truth seeker.
Yeah, the truth being what, mate? Why don't you just tell us why you broke into Star and Kyle's joint and tried to impregnate a wall hanging? Star was What? What was Star? Was she She was beautiful that night.
She's not herself now.
She's not real anymore.
Anyway, that photo was mine, it's my copyright and by rights I should be suing them.
That photo was taken the night she met him.
You know, surely a man has the right to spunk over whatever is his.
Barnyard.
Hey! So you reckon you can find anyone? Barn! Barney! Well, if I can't, I know people who can.
Sure.
Who do you want? Melissa Partridge.
Do you want shots of her nude or clothed? No.
No, mate.
It's not like that, mate.
Just find her.
Ohh! Sarah and Kendall have announced their love is true the third time around.
So that's good news, isn't it? Whoever Sarah and Kendall are.
Oh, my God.
Kristin Vanderbilt's shock cellulite diagnosis.
Fuck! Did you know she was suffering from cellulite? Her mum and dad must be beside themselves.
We go in there, we apologise, we listen, we state our position, but above all, we are humble and contrite.
Mate, Humble and Contrite was what I wanted to name my firstborn children.
- But Wendy - I'm bloody serious! Yes, I've heard you.
Alright.
Aunty Barney.
The two of you have behaved like adolescents out on a rampage.
Taking an air balloon directly into shared airspace? Well, technically it took itself up there.
I mean, we didn't exactly want to be up there.
You know, I I tripped on a rope and we suddenly found ourselves in a Jules Verne novel.
I represent a government who prides itself in fiscal responsibility, and no responsible government pays for bloody absurd balloon flights! Ooh.
72 hours of aerial and naval surveillance just to find you.
Yeah, but you didn't find us.
This moron found himself, you know, on some whale stranding beach in the North Island, and I managed to disembark through a plate glass window into a luncheon party.
You know, I've been instructed not to make an example out of you, Mr Meagher, because of your recent loss.
But when I see photos of you mixing it with so-called celebrities, making hay out of your absurd balloon rides, my blood boils.
I wanna fuckin' make mincemeat out of you.
Jesus! Alright, settle down, tiger.
I thought this was supposed to be a mediation.
Oh, you know all about government mediation, do you, Mr Greene? No, never had the pleasure.
Well, it tends to go like this.
Holy shit! I have lost 3,000 close friends due to public cutbacks, and you You don't have any friends.
No-one as odious as you could possibly have a single friend.
Who the fuck would like you? The woman sitting next to you hates you.
I've only known you for three minutes and I hate you.
I hated you from the moment we first shook hands.
Fiscal responsibility! Tell me, what are the numbers on Afghanistan? This is the same government that sanctioned the Cambodia solution.
Resettling four people at 10 million a head.
Kicking human cans of suffering down the road and coming after me? After the millions of dollars I've paid in taxes over the years? You are nothing but a bully in search of soft targets.
Well, you appalling piece of shit, I am not a soft target.
So go fuck yourself, 'cause no-one else will.
Well, I was prepared to settle for something today, but now you can be sure .
.
the cost order is gonna stand.
We should, um .
.
we should really cross-check dictionaries sometime, because I'm pretty sure mine's got a different interpretation of humble and contrite.
Good, then.
Have you spoken to him recently? 'Cause I'm not sure he's entirely with us.
Yeah, well, who would be under these circumstances, Cleaver? Jesus.
I mean fuck, Scarlet's dead, Harry's been charged.
It's a nightmare.
Harry's not gonna do time.
Cleave, Cleave, please tell me you're not seriously considering entering a not guilty plea for Reggie Watts? I mean, I really I don't have time for this bullshit.
Well, I've got my instructions, Jules.
It's actually a case of great nuance and complexity.
You know Beirworth is sitting on it? Ah, wonderful.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Look, I'll cut you a deal, OK? It's 18 months, he does 9.
We've actually got a very strong case, Jules.
Alright.
Your funeral.
You have nothing.
Oh, I've got less than that.
Holy shit.
Oils.
I reckon I was there on that night.
Oh, man, there was this backup band.
The Sartres.
Oh, weren't they things of beauty? Jesus, that was a long weekend, that one.
Fuck! Johnny Rotten.
What a shot.
So, Cleaver, what what's the plan? - The plan? - Mmm.
Ah.
The plan is that we Oh, mate, that's beautiful.
We we we plead guilty, nine months suspended.
That's the plan.
Oh, no, I can't have a conviction recorded.
No, I gotta head to the States for the season.
The season There's a season? Spring.
Big infidelity time.
Ahh.
Is that the Entertainment Centre in '86? 'Cause I was there too.
Do you know Jagger? Yeah, Cleaver, I don't really give a shit about famous people.
I only know their market value.
Mm.
Yeah, I I Yeah.
Um, I can't see your picture of Star Mannix anywhere, mate.
Well, that's the hook.
The woman I fell for was a young goddess.
Untouched.
Timeless.
I have never taken a better photo than that.
It was an accident of light.
The skin tones, the intensity of those eyes.
The two of us created that moment.
Right.
And then she married that troll and dyed her hair.
This was her two weeks ago.
Hey, Danny, wanna meet for a blow job? I can do youse in the carpark.
I shaved it for you in the shape you wanted, too.
I'll send you a photo.
Stand by.
Well, to be fair, Mona Lisa's smile was probably just hiding bad teeth.
She doesn't deserve to be immortalised.
Oh, bloody hell, Mum! Ohh Mmm.
"Love Rat Ben.
The affair we were never meant to know about.
" "Soap star in sex tryst in full view of shocked family.
" So much fucking shock going on.
Honestly, there's 7 billion people in the world.
There's a lot of sex going on.
Why is everybody so shocked that other people are having it? - And why do you lot - What, all women? Yes, all women.
Feel free to pass judgement on other women.
Guys just aren't that fussy.
Well, I seem to remember you getting pretty panicky about Jonah what's-his-name putting on three kilos - Simmons? - Yeah, before the football.
Hello! That's sport.
That's serious.
Maybe because women are, you know, going out of their minds married to dull, tedious, soporific bores.
Oh, this is brain melt.
My brain is melting just looking at the fuckin' stuff.
Well, Cleave, you're the one defending him.
I mean, what's-his-name is your client.
How're you going to defend this brain melt? Ohh.
Ohhh Shock.
Intrigue.
And still more shock.
Ladies and gentleMAN of the jury, today's trial will produce startling revelations that will disturb and, yes, appal you.
Governments seek to withhold the truth from us.
They want to hide information that you and I have a right to hear.
They will go to great lengths to suppress the truth.
Julian Assange, Edward Snowden, the brave whistleblowers of our age, they keep us honest.
My client, Reggie Watts, is one of them.
He is a truth seeker, bringing you the stories that you need to know It's not going to be another one of those days, is it, Mr Greene? Oh, what days are those, Your Honour? Just stick to the facts.
Oh, I intend to, Your Honour.
Scandalous though those facts may be.
So I come into the bedroom and I find this bloke with his trousers down his knees tugging at his penis, looking into Star's picture.
Can you point the man out? That creep there.
Let it be recorded for the record that the witness has identified the accused.
Now, at any time, were you aware that your emails or phone was being hacked? Absolutely not.
Thank you.
Mr Greene.
Uh, Your Honour, I refer to Exhibit C, currently distributed amongst the jury.
Mrs Mannix, in Exhibit C, you will find an article about you.
A well known and beautiful face.
"The Good and Faithful Wife.
" Thank you.
You're welcome.
These exclusive wedding photos, Mrs Mannix, how much were you and hubby paid for these? 50 grand.
I see.
So, 50,000 for the rights to what, for most of us, is an intimate, private celebration for family and friends, and yet for you was a sort of celebrity circus? It helped pay for the wedding.
I see.
So So being the second-best player in the league behind Daniel Killick doesn't pay Kyle enough? Can you tell me, what were you paid for "Star Mannix -- My Heartbreak Years of IVF"? Er, 30 30 grand, maybe? Or perhaps 30 pieces of silver in the old currency.
And what about this shock near-nude photo I'm wearing a bikini in that.
- Er, Your Honour - Move it on, Mr Greene.
So, Mrs Mannix, you were happy to use my client's great gifts as a photographer to propel your celebrity status but only when it suited you? I don't want my privacy invaded.
Oh, but you do.
You do, Mrs Mannix.
Your wedding, the IVF, shock near-nude photos I'm at the beach there.
And yet, when my client, the artist, the truth seeker, this man who now stands reviled and accused, this man who created you from nothing Last warning.
.
.
stumbles onto a truth that is so scandalous, so terrible that he had to confirm it for himself before committing it to print, suddenly you want to throw him in prison! - What's he talkin' about? - Your Honour! This court will not be interrupted.
Mr Greene! Are you or are you not currently engaged in an unholy tryst with love rat Daniel Killick What the fuck? .
.
winner of this year's Cubby G Award? What? That is a lie.
Is it? Can you tell me if these words sound familiar to you? Your siren song.
"Wanna meet for a blow job? I can do youse in the carpark.
" What? "I shaved it for youse in the shape you wanted, too.
" "I'll send you a photo.
" No, Star! That was a private phone call.
Tell me this is bullshit! Well, what else could I do? You were off with the little bitch from the supermarket! - Fuckin' slag! - Sit down! Sit down, all of you.
Mr Greene, as always, you have overstepped the mark.
If you have nothing concrete to contribute I'd suggest the defence rests.
Your Honour, with the greatest respect No respect, Mr Greene! You treat it like a carnival sideshow.
Ms Crown, your closing remarks, please.
Um, well, they're the same as my opening remarks, Your Honour.
The Crown is calling for a custodial sentence.
Nicely brief, thank you.
Mr Greene? I dare to ask.
Thank you, Your Honour.
Is freedom indivisible? Is it an inalienable right? That is what is on trial today.
Now, we have here a celebrity couple who courted fame, who treated their life as a sort of giant bidding war.
Now, I don't blame Star Mannix for one moment for her secret love tryst with Daniel Killick.
That's her business.
But nor in turn can she blame my client, Reggie Watts, a seeker of truth.
Tragically, ladies and gentleman, this is how we treat our truth seekers today.
We haul them off in handcuffs and sentence them to silence.
As a society, we don't know how to value the truth.
We can't handle the truth.
Julian Assange ends up locked in an Ecuadorian embassy, Edward Snowden in some frozen Russian wasteland.
Reggie Watts, pathetically ejaculating over portraits on bedroom walls.
Our hypocrisy seeks both to punish the truth seeker and to demand his wares.
Now, no-one who has ever bought or read one of these magazines is innocent in this.
My client is simply a frontline trooper doing all of our dirty work for us and I'm betting that all of you would like to know what the next instalment is in this couple's squalid imbroglio, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Thank you, Your Honour.
Found Melissa Partridge for you.
Where is she? They're ready for you.
That was quick.
Not a good sign, is it? No, frankly, mate.
Possibly not.
Have you reached a verdict? We have, Your Honour.
And how did you find the accused on all three charges? We the jury find Reginald Watts not guilty on all charges.
Pardon? Not guilty, Your Honour.
What? Seriously? Yes, Your Honour.
How could you possibly Fine.
Jury dismissed.
It's a great day for freedom, Jules.
Get the fuck off! Not getting any snaps of this, mate? No, not today.
I only do exclusives.
Ah.
I love your work, Cleaver.
Ooh.
Did you order room service? Maybe I did.
I could have.
Maybe.
Maybe, yes.
Cal McGregor, you in there? Hey! You get out of here or I will kill you! Come on, Reggie, in you come.
Off you go, mate.
Knock yourself out.
Ooh, look at the shock.
That's great! Shock! I need more contrast.
Here, let me get this.
Holy shit! Oh, that's better.
Oh, yeah, that Get that fucking camera out of here! - That's better.
- I'm calling the police.
Yeah, good idea.
It'll add to the whole sort of drama of the occasion.
Especially with the coke there.
Reggie, did you get that coke? With the underpants in the background? Hey, I'm thinking sort of maybe on a long lens, something a bit grainy.
She is here of her own free will.
No, mate, she's off her fucking gourd and you're taking advantage of her.
Miss.
Do you remember when I tried to eat my own vomit because I thought it was goulash? - Ooh! - And you stopped me? That was my rock bottom.
Do you want to see your rock bottom? There it is, there.
That's your rock bottom.
Now listen to me, fucknut.
You let her collect her stuff and we walk out of here and you have Reggie's word as a truth seeker that these photos will never see the light of day.
You are a dead man walking, Cleaver.
Off we pop.
Dead man walking! Melissa! Melissa! Hey.
Oh, no.
No, no, Cleave.
Oh, she needs help.
No, take her to a clinic.
Well, she can't afford a clinic.
She's got no money.
Well, that's not my fucking problem.
She's a prostitute that you had an affair with.
No offence, darling.
Oh, come on, look, this is your territory.
It's all psychological, you know, and she just needs time off the gear.
Yes! And you, more than anyone, know how hard that is! I'll find somewhere.
I'll be fine.
Miss! - Missy! Oh, God.
- Oh, watch it, Miss.
- I hate you right now, Cleave.
- Mmm.
Genuine, deep-rooted hate.
Yeah.
Can't say I blame you.
She can share my room.
- Why your room? - It has a lock.
And security bars.
Ahh.
Ah I need you to say yes, David, and then we can proceed.
We plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter and you and I are at Fortham's, opening the champers.
You seriously think I have anything to celebrate? Well, it's that or prison, mate.
Your call.
OK.
OK what? Just OK.
Come on, let's get you into bed.
- Come on, good girl.
- Don't even worry about me.
You know who you should be helping? It's David.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
He's not like all of you others.
Well, I guess he's a little bit like you, Cleave, except he's not as fucked in the head.
Ohh.
Be an achievement if he was.
- Doc! - Hmm? One week.
- I'm sorry, baby, it's over.
- No, no, no, I don't accept that.
No.
No, no, I love you but it's really over.
- No, no, no, please, I love you.
- No, no.
No, no, no, no, it's o it is over.
Dead poultry, yeah? Fuck! Why are you doing this to yourself, night after night? What are you looking for? Do you really think you're going to lead a brave new adventurous life? You won't.
Fabulous celebrities don't lead big lives.
They just lead dull, daily shit, day-after-day lives.
Oh, well, fuck, thanks.
That really cheers me up.
Darlin' Darlin' There are more people our age than there are atoms in a cow, and we're all getting older and we all want to change our lives.
Soon there'll be nothing left but films about old people getting a new lease on life, or resparking a marriage they thought was dead and buying an English language bookshop in Sardinia and drinking bottles of chianti and watching perfect sunsets with their old friends, including one curmudgeonly bloke who's really just lonely and one uneducated local who keeps promising to fix everything and he never does and everybody loves him anyway, and it's all just bullshit! How do you know it's bullshit? It's bullsh It's got to It's bullsh I don't know.
Maybe it's true.
Oh, fuck, go to bed, Cleave.
Oh, God, I can't, I can't.
There are children in there fornicating, or not.
Well, if they are, it will be over very, very soon, so I have a woman in my bed, hallucinating.
Would you ever open a bookshop in Sardinia? With you? In a heartbeat.
Goodnight.
Missy's right, you know? About what? What the hell are you doing here, Cleaver? Is Malcolm trying to get you to plead guilty for involuntary manslaughter? Come on, open your little thing.
Let me in, for fuck's sake.
Fuck! The last thing on earth I need right now is you here gloating.
Mate, you're a politician, yeah? This is as much political as it is criminal.
You do a deal, I bet you a beer you still end up doing time.
Nothing's going to make the government as happy as piccies of you being led off in cuffs.
Think about it.
What? You think you should defend me? Well, I've told you my opinion.
My conscience is clear.
It was a terrible, dumb, stupid, awful fucking accident! I took a half step back and it took a human life.
And I am in hell.
I loved her so much.
Yeah, I know.
She did not! Open the door! Just piss off, alright? Or I'll call the cops.
Are you tracking me as well? He is a walking sack of bile and pus.
Is he not? Are you that perverse that you would take my money then sell me down the river, you piece of shit? Wake up! Fuzz, I need to know where your mother is now.
Is this about Jack? Who's been having that conversation because I certainly wasn't part of it.
- You kissed me.
- Crap! And you kissed me.
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