Rake (2010) s04e08 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 8
1 I've never found anyone to replace you.
Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.
Oh, God! Oh, God.
I hope that wasn't Mrs Clinton.
You are not a part of the 'we' in this house.
You are, and always will be, an 'it'.
He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
Good God, and you were the good one in the family.
I got up to a bit of mischief myself.
I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent Senator.
What's the catch? You get out of Wendy's and my life.
This is insane.
You can keep the ring, by the way.
It only cost me 9 at the Paddo Market.
Ohh! This is unconscionable behaviour! The room always just felt lighter when she entered.
Shit! Fuck! She has this inner beauty.
I'm putting my name down for the Senate.
Cleaver Greene, nothing to say.
Cleaver Greene .
.
nothing to say.
- Cleaver Believer! - Oh! Listening to RN Breakfast.
Fran Kelly with you.
Well, with the federal election looming, the polls have been all the government's way for weeks now, predicting a sizeable majority in the House of Reps.
But in the Senate, as always, it's a different story.
Again, it looks like this next parliamentary term will see the Government's legislative program heavily dependent on cross bench support.
Joining me now is perhaps one of the most unlikely of those Senate candidates, though, as I say, anything is possible.
Cleaver Greene is a former criminal barrister and he joins me in the breakfast studio.
Cleaver Greene, welcome to RN Breakfast.
Lovely to be here, Fran.
Is it true that your run for the Senate is simply an attempt to derail your sister Jane's bid for the fourth National Party Senate seat in New South Wales? Yes.
Pretty much.
So you're running for the Senate out of spite? That's certainly the way that it started, yes, Fran.
Absolutely pure spite.
I think many of your listeners who've suffered at the hands of a domineering elder sibling will understand and be appreciative of the fact that, you know, somebody's finally standing up and saying, "Enough's enough.
"Let's give the little guy a go.
" As a result of that comment, you now have 137,000 followers on your Twitter account.
'Cleaver Believers' they're calling themselves.
Well, look, Fran, in essence, I'm a fairly humble sort of an individual.
Ohh! But people do seem to be very keen to hear what I don't have to say.
But what you are speaking about when you do speak, is just a litany of bizarre personal grievances, isn't it? The culling of ibises in city parks, imposing fines on people for using air quotes or using the word 'correct'.
Well, Fran, look -- yes, they are grievances, but, with all due respect, they're not petty.
You know, I mean, the capacity for an ibis to completely disrupt a family gathering in any park in the CBD is significant, if not grave, and you know, that is a funny-looking bird with its the And on a personal level, I don't trust them.
Yeah, but while you're going on about ibises, what about the big policies that really matter? What about pensions, superannuation? What about health, education? Oh, well, health is an issue that I take very seriously.
So you'll be asking the Federal Government to spend more on healthcare and medical research? No, no.
On the contrary, I think that we need a dramatic cut to the healthcare budget.
We're all living far too long as it is, Fran.
I mean, two score and ten, the Bible tells us.
Three score.
And ten, exactly.
Look, Fran, if you think about it, our greatest economic challenge is an ageing population.
It's a terrible burden on young families, on hospitals and on society in general, so we need to die younger.
Aw! As a nation, we quite simply can't afford to fund Viagra - Oh, for fuck's sake! - .
.
for 115-year-old pensioners.
So we cut back on spending in health and medical research and our budgetary situation will start to blossom because we'll finally be dying at precisely the time that the good Lord wanted us to, if not a little earlier, if we're lucky.
Ha! Has this country gone completely insane? No, translate it into non-binary, please.
As a result of that horseshit you just sprayed across our great nation, you now have 30,000 new Cleaver Believers.
I guarantee you by the weekend, you'll have over 200,000 supporters.
200,000 lunatics? 200,000 lunatics who are registered to vote, and that is all that we need.
Well, how can that be all we need in a state of over eight million people? Oh, because, sweetheart, that's where I come in.
I take your 200,000, I do a few preference deals with some politically aligned candidates.
I get 80,000 here, I get 40,000 there.
I make a couple of calls, I take a few meetings and bada-bing, bada-boom, you're over half a million Senator.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Isn't it? I thought they'd stopped this preference shit.
It's politics.
There's always a deal on the table.
No, there's no way I could swap preferences with a Green.
- Oh - No, no.
He's not a Green.
No, far from it.
- No, his name is Greene.
- Greene with an 'e'.
Oh, right, right.
You a civil libertarian, Mr Greene? One hundred percent, Vaughan.
Let me show you something.
The government's slowly but surely whittling away all our personal freedoms.
Oh, mate, I couldn't agree more.
It's an outrage.
You've got that right, Mr Greene.
Meet my girls.
They're things of beauty, aren't they? Oh, yeah.
See, I go out to the range most days, very early, and I warm 'em up.
Do you? And then Bam! bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! This one is so fast! She responds so quick.
Only have to touch her and she's off.
In fact, I think she knows when I'm about to touch her.
Here.
You take her.
Oh, well, mate, I don't want her to get the wrong idea.
- You know, a stranger touching her.
- Looks nice.
Does it? Beautiful.
Bam, bam, bam, bam! I think there should be more fucking in the world.
- Beg your pardon? - I'm talking about sex.
I think the world would be a better place if there was more of it.
I cannot tell you how strongly I agree with you.
So, if you back my call for legalisation of polygamy, I'd be happy to do a preference deal.
Absolutely.
I mean, that's a no-brainer.
You know, I have four sisters.
If we got this bill through, you could marry us all.
Think about it.
I I am I am think I am.
I've always voted Green in the past.
Now, I think you may have the wrong end of the stick there a little bit, Ellie.
- Because I'm not I'm not - You're not what? Cleaver's not unaware of your - .
.
position - Position.
- .
.
on green issues.
- Issues.
I just think the Greens have been ineffective and so much more could have been done.
- Couldn't - That is so funny.
That is exactly what you were saying in the car this morning.
- Pretty much word for word.
- Wow.
Cool.
I mean, meat is murder, right? Meat? Is murder.
And milk is a product of rape.
Milk is? Abso Oh.
Oh, what are they doing in those milking sheds? They should leave those animals alone.
Ohh! - The fiddling the cows - Don't! Can't say no.
Never a truer word was spoken.
Twice a day.
- Thank you so much.
- No, no, thank you, Ellie.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for your time.
- See you soon.
- Yes, I hope so.
Bye.
Well, that gives you faith in our political process, doesn't it? She should swing it.
- She should swing it? - Uh-huh.
- Are you serious? - Yep.
The woman who believes that milking cows is an act of violent sexual abuse I might just make a couple of calls just in case, just in case.
Unbelievable.
I thought the bar was insane.
Oh, come on, Cleave! It's a vibrant, living democracy.
Oh, talking about living -- here is where you could be living.
Friend of mine, a Senator.
He's not running again.
Needs someone to take over his lease, mate's rates.
- Oh, not bad.
- Not bad.
What suburb? What are you talking about, what suburb? It's in Canberra.
- Canberra? - Yeah.
Yes, that is where the Parliament is, you moron.
Were you home sick from school that day? No, no, I'm not moving to Ca I can't move to Canberra.
I assumed I'd be flying in and flying out.
Well, if you think that's an appropriate use of your travel allowance, fine.
Hey, would you honestly go to these lengths to get me out of Wendy's life? - Cleaver - It's pretty amazing.
If I could have figured out the perfect murder, you'd be dead by now.
And I came really close twice.
- Creepy.
- Right now, this is my best option.
Yeah.
So failed murderers become political consultants? Yeah, it's a natural career.
It's like failed barristers becoming Senators.
You know, I'm actually starting to think you're a witch.
- Ah! Maybe, 'cause you know what? - You're a witch.
My two redeeming features are my total adoration to Wendy - and my complete dedication - I adore Wendy.
- .
.
to her happiness.
- I'm dedicated to her happiness.
Oh, really? When was the last time you actually made her happy? - Ohh - More importantly, do you really think that you can make her happy in the future? You? - Yes - You've got no money, you've got no career, you've got no prospects without my help.
You know what, Cleave? I make over a million bucks in a bad year.
It's not about the money.
Yeah, it is.
It is a little.
- Wendy's not that fatuous.
- You know it is.
Here's the thing.
You want her to make you happy.
I want her to make her happy.
And I can do that, you can't.
Anyway, you've got your thing.
What thing? With your little friend in the balloon.
Is that? Oh, shit! Is that? Hey, and I want to make her I want her to make her happy, as well as everything else.
Did you hear me on the radio with Fran Kelly this morning? - Caught a bit.
- Pretty funny.
Yep.
Let's all die younger.
Had me rolling, mate.
Oh, what's with all the hate? Oh, I'm just over it, the whole thing, mate.
I want out.
Yeah, well, let me do the talking today, alright? It's not just this bullshit, it's everything.
I've decided to sell the house, pay these bastards what they want.
Whatever happens, we can't stay there.
There's not a corner of that place that Scarlet doesn't inhabit.
Well, it's probably for the best, mate.
It's not just the house.
It's actually Sydney, it's the nation.
You know, I've been thinking.
You remember you told me that you and Wendy were joking about moving to Sardinia? Mm, vaguely.
Actually, I think she's quite into it.
She keeps watching all these docos.
Well, I've done my own lot of research and it actually looks really bloody beautiful.
But Sardinia's what Wendy and I were thinking of.
Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Well, Sardinia's not your dream Mediterranean escape destination, it's my dream Mediterranean escape destination.
It doesn't mean you own the place, mate.
You'll be wanting to open a fucking English-language bookshop there in a minute.
Ah, so when the second coming's happened and you and Wendy - Copycat.
- .
.
arrive hand in hand, having won the Lotto, we'll happily show you our new home in Sardinia.
Mate, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you invading my space.
We've come to a final determination in the terms of the costs of rescuing you, Mr Meagher.
Look, ah, just to reiterate -- there was no rescue, remember? He actually put himself down on a beach.
Mr Greene, we've been through this.
Now, we were willing to sit down here and try and find a mutually satisfying conclusion.
But both you and Mr Meagher have been, in my opinion, aggressively unwilling to compromise.
Therefore What what is this? Just have a little look at that for a second.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm currently running for the Senate and those are my numbers.
That's, ah that's how we're trending at the moment.
The other thing you should probably know is that Jack Claymore is running my campaign.
Yes -- Black Jack Claymore.
So, look, guys, in a nutshell .
.
I'm going to be a Senator in a few weeks' time and certain senior bureaucrats will be appearing before me at estimates hearings, and I'm thinking that those senior bureaucrats probably won't want to end up dispensing bedpans in Nauru.
I could be wrong.
A cheque for a hundred grand for our inconvenience.
- How good was I? - Not a bad result.
That was exceptional.
So that's 50 each! Holy shit! The cheque's made out to me.
You weren't technically a party to these proceedings Oh, yeah, good one, mate.
You're an old tricker.
No, I'm not tricking.
- Are you fucking se? - Cleave.
- You're not serious? - I'm serious.
I've spent 60 on this already.
- Mate! - I'll give you five.
- Five? - Five.
- After ev Five?! - Five.
- After everything - Yeah, for the last time, Cleave, I was the one in the fucking balloon.
Oh, yeah, "I was the one in the fucking balloon.
" Yeah.
See you in Sardinia.
Labor is not the way to go in this state.
The Labor Party's lost its way and is bereft, with factional hacks controlling its every move.
And so I announce my resignation from the Australian Labor Party.
And further announce I'm joining the Greens.
Whose membership have asked me to run for a seat in the Senate.
I'm honoured by this request and will campaign with all my might and vigour, because in my heart of hearts I've always been a Green.
Being a Green doesn't just mean that you stand for the environment.
It also means you stand for equality, empathy, equity.
We're the Greens with more E's.
Yes, we've just heard he's running.
Yes, she's seen the numbers, too.
Yes, but if we just spent more on the Central Coast then maybe No? OK, fine, fi Well, there's no need for that! Language, please! Really! How's my little Venus going? Aww.
Lil? - Fuck off? - If you wouldn't mind, dear.
Bloody David Potter.
I had a chance! - I had a chance.
- I know, I know.
But you've just got to remember one thing, my love.
- What's that? - He's just David Potter.
I'm Cal McGregor.
Jesus.
Say it again.
I'm Cal McGregor and I will get you elected.
- You're going to get me elected? - I'm going to get you elected, babe.
Get me elected.
Finny! Oh! Finny.
Finny! I mean, that's disgusting.
Mm, is a bit.
- How'd you go at the tribunal? - Oh, incredible! - Genius! - Really? Genius.
They gave us a hundred grand.
Yeah.
Barnyard has stolen most of it, of course, because he thinks that's fair.
But you know Oh, my God.
We could zip out and have a little celebrate.
No, we couldn't.
Jack's taking me to a concert.
Oh.
What, is KD Lang in town, or Melissa Etheridge? You know what? I've never seen you so scared by anyone that I've been with.
I'm not scared of it.
I think it is scared of me, actually.
That's why it is running my campaign, so it can get me out of here.
- Because she loves me.
- That's not love.
- That is deranged.
- Yeah.
You know, speaking of deranged, I heard you on the radio this morning with Fran.
What? Pretty funny, don't you think? Cleave, you know, I used to love the way that you wrecked dinner parties when we were at uni, when you had an actual fire in your belly - Still wreck dinner parties.
- .
.
when you were young and you were rude and you had things to say.
But you know what? Now it just seems like you're kind of generally annoyed all the time.
- Just sort of shitty.
- Oh? You couldn't abide politicians because they had no skin in the game.
David has got skin in the game.
David? Who's David? David Potter.
He's running for the Greens.
It's all over the net.
It's a huge story.
What are you talk? David Potter? He was up on bloody murder charges a couple of minutes ago! Yeah, and you got him off! That's why it's a huge story.
Is there nothing of mine he doesn't covet? Have you noticed this? Honestly, every time I do anything, he's right up my clacker.
He's copying my life.
Mm, right, OK.
Well, I'm going to vote for him, so We all share this common link.
We all inhabit this small planet.
We all breathe the same air.
What, quoting Kennedy? Seriously? He steals from dead men.
I mean, I feel sorry for him.
It's an election, Cleaver.
It's actually very important.
I'm not going to vote for someone I can't take seriously.
- You can't take me seriously? - No, I can't.
Because you don't take yourself seriously.
- I take myself - No, when we were married, you used to come home at five o'clock in the morning fucking high as a kite, laughing your tits off, calling yourself Penis Pan.
- Penis Pan? - Yeah.
I thought I was El Fucko.
No, Penis Pan was your nickname for yourself.
- Rubbish.
- And you know, I'm not voting for El Fucko or Penis Pan.
Penis Pan? So from a weather point of view, one of the wackiest candidates in our upcoming Federal election is recently-disbarred Sydney barrister Cleaver Greene.
His policy on 'air quotes' is, in my opinion, 'out of this world'.
So, Cleaver, you've clearly amused and enchanted the electorate, but what is your comedic position on climate change? Well, I don't have a comedic position on climate change, Geoffrey.
It's something I take very seriously.
It's a moral imperative.
And look, it goes beyond climate change.
It really goes to how we change and adapt as a species.
Essentially, if we drank less, if we smoked less, if we consumed less, we would not only be healthier, but we would be richer as a community and as a planet.
You know, there's only so much the incredible healthcare workers in our midst can do, and the rest of it is largely over to us -- to change our lifestyles in order to promote reform.
This has been a cause of mine for a great many years and it's the bedrock of my campaign.
Seriously? That's what you've got to say? Because all the other things I've heard you say No, no -- that's exactly what I have to say.
It's something I take very seriously.
- Very.
- Very, very seriously.
- Jesus Christ! - What? What is it? I mean, serious health and economic reform? Really? - Yes! - Drink less, consume less? This is Australia, you idiot! I am saying what I mean.
I'm saying what I believe.
You mean nothing.
Do you not understand? You have just taken an enormous crap in your own bath.
Your whole dipshit differentiation has gone completely out the window.
I'm more than dipshit, lady.
In what strange planetary alignment would that actually be, Cleaver? In the 'fuck you' planetary alignment.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Fuck you.
You have blown it.
All I asked for was for you to shut up.
You know? Just shut up! Instead, now you sound like every other left-wing politician and your numbers have tanked.
- Oh, numbers.
- I asked you for nothing, Cleaver Oh, OK, alright.
.
.
and you couldn't even give me that! Alright! Do you know what? It's over.
Forget it.
It's off.
The deal's done.
We're through.
What do you mean, the deal's off? It was a stupid idea in the first place.
You just beguiled me.
In the same way as you beguiled Wendy, 'cause you're a witch.
You're a witch.
You listen to me, Cleaver.
We had a deal.
Now, I didn't promise to get you elected - Ohh! - I promised to work very hard Oh, so witchy-poo's doing a little adjusty-poo, is she? So now it is time for you to bugger off out of Wendy's life and let her be happy, with me.
Well, it's interesting because I don't seem to have a contract anywhere.
I don't even have a deal memo, which must be pretty unusual in your line of work, Jack.
You are the most dishonourable piece of shit I've ever met Oh, says the woman who has four times had a paedophile elected to the US Congress! Oh, says the man who got a brother rapist acquitted! Oh, my God.
Oh, this is very disturbing.
We're the same person.
Oh, that's disgusting.
That's disgusting! Hey, what's up? Just wanted to let you know that I'm out of the campaign, OK? I'm going to take our lives seriously.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
What do you mean by 'our lives'? I mean, what matters to me is my family, my friends, my loved ones.
And I want to open that little bookshop with you in Sardinia, OK? That's what you want, isn't it? That's that's the thing? Right, so all that concerns you is your family and your loved ones? Yes.
OK.
Um How was Nicole when you spoke to her? Nicole? Yeah, you have spoken to her, haven't you? Why? Nicole? Why would? Is she feeling any better? Because I did tell you that she was sounding alarmingly depressed.
I'm actually very worried about her.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
The the, um the Bar Oh, for fuck It's His name is Bevan, Cleaver.
It is Bevan.
- Yes.
- You haven't spoken to her.
You know, if you could give me just an inkling that you gave a fuck about anybody but yourself This is a completely pointless conversation.
It's not a Doc, it's not a pointless conversation, OK? It's a good conversation and you're right, OK? She is a devoted and loyal friend and I am onto it, Doc, OK? Oh, look, I'm here to help out, OK? Just will you at least get up off the fucking bed? No, Bevan's right.
I am a bad person! Yes, you're not great, but you've got your whole life ahead of you, alright? You can get your shit together, hopefully.
Because because I always thought that you were the root of everything rotten in my life, that - What? - .
.
somehow you infected everything, - but it is me! It is all me! - Oh, I'm sorry! You thought I was the root of everything rotten in your life? - Yes! - I'll tell you who the root is.
The root has probably got her ear fixed to the other side of this door and her name is Maria! Oh, aha! - Oh, my God! - You are disgusting! I can't even bear looking at your face! Sorry, what is it you cunt face, Maria? Mama! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get off me! Mama! Wyjsc! I'm really, uh trying to help out here.
I know it mightn't seem it, but I am.
What Just - Tell me.
What can I do? - I don't know.
Well, what do you want? I just told you that I don't know! OK, but there must be something.
What do you? I saw the full footage of Barney on Australian Story and he did say some very beautiful things about me.
Yeah.
I mean, he told you at the time he said beautiful things about you.
Yeah, I know, but I didn't believe him.
Well, why didn't you believe him? Well, because I thought that he was still deep down in love with Scarlet and that he was really with me because of her being with you and I don't even know why that surprises me.
I mean, even Harry 'fucking sorry David' was with Missy and Scarlet.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, the world is just one big sexual revolving door! Look, you just feel like you fucked things up with Barney.
Oh, I just told you that! Weren't you even listening to me?! OK, don't don't Goddammit! OK, because I know for a fact that he misses you.
And he .
.
would love to see you.
Well, how do you know that? Because I know things.
Thanks.
Thanks for your help.
Take care.
Aren't you going to say, "Get in the car"? Ah, you really are trapped in the '80s, aren't you, Cal? I understand.
That was your era.
That was your decade, your time to shine.
My question is -- what are you going to do if I don't get in the car? So how about you get out of the car, or you piss off? Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
- Get in the car.
- Get out of the car! - David, this is serious.
- Yeah, right.
It's about preferences.
Get in the fucking car.
Sangers.
My shout.
Chicken or pulled pork? You talking about the sandwiches or us? Huh? Come on.
Lucky dip.
I had lunch hours ago.
What time zone are you living in? Listen, Barnyard You know, Cleave, we've never really talked about Scarlet.
We have wept, we have drunk, but we've never really had a sensible conversation about her, not since she died.
Oh, mate.
You can't Honestly, you can't get Honestly She was Scarlet, alright? She was brilliant, beautiful, flighty, pain in the arse adorable .
.
Scarlet.
I miss her, you know.
I think about her all the time.
The best thing you can do Is to be happy.
I know.
- Yes.
- Especially for our kids.
Yes.
Just find the happy, mate.
It's gone in the twinkling of an eye.
Just find the happy.
So where do I go to find this 'happy', Cleave? Ah, you're barking up the wrong person here, mate.
Really? What I do know though, Barnyard, is that there's somebody else at the moment who's pretty busted and needs to find the happy.
Just putting it out there, you know? Thank you very much.
Mr Greene, how are you? Mr Poulos, very well.
How's Mrs Poulos with the death of Mrs Clinton? Is she alright? Mrs Clinton's death has left us with a grief that cannot die.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
But I do have some good news.
Our grandson is marrying.
- Ah.
Syncharitiria.
- Thank you.
But my wife is very keen to have him and his bride live close, so I've been letting the neighbours know that if anyone is considering selling, I would make a very attractive offer.
- Really? - Mm.
Mr Poulos.
Not one fucking word, bitch! I am so sorry.
So am I.
Hey.
What's that? Little boat.
Da-da-da-da! What the hell is wrong with you, Cleaver? What's going on? She could have broken her ankle, or worse! And you were laughing at her! She needed an ambulance and you just walked away laughing.
- An ambulance? - Are you back on coke again? - We're not judging you.
- I am judging you.
What is? Has everybody gone insane? I'm back on coke? - What are you? - Everybody calm down, please.
It was perfectly erect the last time I saw it.
It is absolutely fine.
It is not broken.
It's a very, very bad sprain, but I .
.
I really don't want to make a big deal about it, Wendy.
Are you out of your fricking minds? Are you buying this bullshit? Honestly! Do you seriously believe that in the last two hours since I saw it, it sprained its ankle and -- what? -- the ambulance came and collected it and took it to outpatients and put it in the queue ahead of all the other outpatients and got it mended and brought it back here again? Have any of you had any experience with the New South Wales healthcare system recently? It doesn't really work like that.
You're really making a fool of yourself.
Oh, I'm making a fool? She's making morons out of all of you! And meanwhile, I've been charged with the serious responsibility of fixing the life of Barney and Nicole and bringing them back together again.
Tick.
Done.
Those two are like that.
So maybe a little less of the "Boo, Cleaver!" for this bullshit, and a little bit more, "Oh, good on you, Cleave! "Well done, Cleave!" Cleaver, we all think that you need some help.
Do you? Do you think that? There's your help.
Have a look at that.
- What is it? - That'll help.
No, you actually can't believe a word that he says.
A fully paid ticket to Sardinia for two.
It's one way.
Yes.
One way.
No opt-out.
Just commitment.
One way.
And it's economy! Cleave, what are you thinking? Your mother and I are opening an English-language bookshop in Sardinia.
Why would you open an English-language bookshop - in Sardinia? - Oh, you should just butt out! - Why English? - That's a little racist.
It does sound racist.
What do you mean, why English? It's just an English language - When you go to a different - Ask her.
.
.
and you can't find anything to read and it's just hard to find Guys, it's an English-language bookshop in Sardinia, alright? - It could be Indonesian, actually.
- It couldn't be Indonesian! I don't speak Indonesian.
It's not going to be I'm sorry for being so confusing, everybody.
Here are the parameters.
It's an English language bookshop in Sardinia, alright? - Wendy.
- It's pretty straightforward.
The Italian Foreign Minister is a really good friend of mine.
Oh, don't start this shit.
Look at her sneaky little face! - Nobody's asking you anything.
- She got a She got a paedophile elected to US Congress Oh, really? You want to bring that up? How could you trust anything she says? You got a brother rapist acquitted, Mr Cleaver.
- Ooh, look at this! - You are a disgusting man.
Ooh, we're already on the plane.
Ciao! - You don't have a job.
- Ciao, bella! You have nothing.
You don't even have a job to retire from.
- I've got nothing? - Nothing! I have nothing? I have just sold this house for a very tidy profit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
How can you sell this house? It's not for sale.
It's my house! Mr Poulos next door has made a pretty incredible offer.
But, Cleave, this is not your house to sell.
It's my house.
What sort of offer? I don't think you'll be disappointed.
I don't understand how you can come in and just sell my house! I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Come on, what was the offer? 1.
5? Three million dollars.
Mr Poulos offered you three million dollars? Sydney property.
Oh, shit.
Hey! What, is not knocking a generational trend or something? How much did Mr Poulos really offer? 1.
8.
I knew it wasn't three.
1.
3.
- 1.
3? - Hm.
- Shit.
- Mm.
- So you're a bit short? - Bit short.
Your mum's got a real blind spot with Jack.
Have you noticed that? - With Jack? - Mm.
Says the man who just lied about the price of a house he has no right to sell.
Yeah, I don't know why I did that.
Actually, I do know why I did that.
I have no sense of life's continuum.
Do you understand? - Do you? - No, that's my point.
I .
.
live in the moment.
Every single tiny little moment, I always have.
I've always .
.
wanted every moment to be glorious.
And you hit a point in your life where you've got so many defeats racked up against you that you just I don't know, every little victory is significant, even the pathetic ones.
Hence the fuckwittery that you just observed out there and the humiliation that will doubtless ensue.
I would really like your mum to be happy and secure, but I'm buggered if I know how.
Don't worry about security, Cleave.
I got that covered.
Oh, you've got that covered? Yeah, I have some money.
Oh.
Since when? All that time spent in front of computers.
Watching porn? I'm not watching porn most of the time, Cleave.
I build apps.
Apps? What, like Nicole's ex-bastard? Bevan's a bit of a legend, actually.
And I'm pretty good at it too, it seems.
In the last six months I've had three bestsellers.
- Bestsellers? - Yeah.
Games about the weather, the environment.
They're fun, quasi-educational.
Parents are happy to buy them for their kids so they're really popular.
You know, polar bears in Hawaii, that sort of thing.
No, I don't know.
I have no idea.
What are you? Polar bears in Hawaii? What is that? I just I want you to know that Mum will always be OK.
My accountants have set up a trust.
Accountants? - Plural? - Yeah.
She doesn't know about it yet.
I just need you to know that she'll always be secure.
So you and Jack can keep your pissing contest going, as far as I'm concerned.
I just want Mum to be happy.
Where did you come from? With my DNA in your veins .
.
where did you come from, with all your wisdom? He cannot be serious.
Wendy, it's got to be bullshit.
Yeah, but if we sold it for three, that's a You know, I've made a lot of money.
He wouldn't lie about that.
He wouldn't? He is Cleaver Greene.
Oh, and look, here he is.
Why don't we just ask him? How much did you really get, Cleaver? 1.
3.
You see? 1.
3.
I, um, may have gotten a little carried away there.
That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
I lose.
OK? I lose.
The fact of the matter is that you've always been too good for me, and I know that.
I mean, I might be a moron but I'm not a moron.
Um and you blessed me with your love for a few years and you gave me him.
And I'm eternally grateful and I do want you to be happy and I'm not going to haggle over your future, so .
.
you know, you and Jackiavelli can sail off into the Sardinian sunset and I'm going to grab my little dilly bag and get the fuck out of here.
I think we need one more.
It's the feet.
I'm still not sure about the feet.
What's wrong with our feet? Oh, for Christ's sake, it's election day.
This has to be on the net before the polls open, you failed fucking bovine transplant of a human being.
You alright, sweetie? Cal.
I just want to get things right for you.
It'll be fine.
Fucking get on with it! Fuck.
Brian, please, just park something into your mouth, OK? You know, I have not slept for three days because of you.
I did not say Greene with an 'e'.
I said the Greens.
Are you a total imbecile? It is not the Greens with a fucking 'e'! Fuck! Oh, sweet Jesus! - How is this possible? - What is it? What? Brian, I will call you back.
I, Cal McGregor, take you, Jane Greene, to be my lawful wedded wife.
- That is Cleaver's sister, right? - What is it? And I, Jane Greene, take you, Cal McGregor, to be my lawful wedded husband.
Steaming piece of crap is what it is! Is it even real? It's Cal McGregor! This is going to go instantly viral.
Shit, the polls open any second! She's going to get 200,000 votes because of this.
Wendy, this is going to change the whole fucking Senate, do you understand? - Hey, Doc.
- My father hated lilies.
Yeah.
That's why that picture.
I spent hours trying to find a photo of the most beautiful lilies I could, just because I knew it would shit him.
Even though he's dead.
- God, he loathed you.
- And I him.
But, you know, you seemed to love him, so let's raise a cat-killing flower to the old bastard.
Oh, shit.
I gotta go, Doc.
Some of us have got sun-drenched, north-facing, meticulously-maintained apartments to let out.
- See ya.
- See ya.
Idiots! Hey, Jack, what day did your dad die? What? Ah, what? Why do you ask? It's the anniversary of my dad's death, so I was just Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I should have remembered.
No, no, no, it's alright.
I didn't expect - What day did he die? - Oh, um It was, uh it was August 17, yeah.
It was it was It was a day.
- It was March 23rd, Jack.
- Really? Oh.
Well, then right.
August 17 must be my mum.
April 24th was your mum.
You know what? If you want me to remember anniversaries, you're going to have to put them into my laptop, because I need to set reminders because I'm really fucking busy most of the time, OK? And it's fine.
I don't object to your hippy, yoga-filled lifestyle because I adore you, but fucking election day, and do we have to have this conversation right now?! It's also the day that my father died.
I just asked you what day your dad died, and you didn't know.
Come on.
The owner wants 600 a week for this? - Shit, what was that? - Oh.
Yeah, don't worry.
That's all part of the remediation works that are in process.
600 bucks a week with a leaking ceiling? Oh, well, you know.
I mean, it's the Sydney property market so it's very, you know, it's a very, very hot market.
Now, guys, are you keen on filling in a rental application form? - The ceiling is leaking.
- Yeah, that's .
.
the remediation work.
It's very much underway.
Oh.
That'll be it right now.
But, guys, look -- what you've got to think about is the character.
I mean, I'm all about the character in a place, and it's the details, isn't it? It's the, you know It's the little things that go to make up a And it's the sense of history as well.
There's no history here whatsoever.
If you spend enough time in this apartment, there will be history.
The ceiling's leaking.
Underbelly was shot here, apparently.
Fuck! Oh, my Oh, it is too good, it's too good! - Can you believe it? - Oh, God.
You know what? I think it sort of makes perfect sense that Cal McGregor should end up being your brother-in-law.
I know what you mean.
I hope God's up there laughing his balls off.
You know he does this for his own entertainment? - Mm-hm.
- So .
.
how are things your end? Where are you? - What's up, Doc? - That tie is disgusting.
Well, it's kind of a uniform.
OK, I need you not to speak for a second.
I just need you not to say anything at all for one second, OK? - OK.
- No, no! I've been thinking about Sardinia.
Oh, really? - Maybe.
- What, with Jack the Ripper? No, not with Jack.
She's driving me mental.
No.
She's actually she's very pushy.
Oh, really? Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Yeah, so I need to ask you something, OK? Um Are you capable of change? And I ask that knowing that that is the one question you'll probably fudge.
- Yes, I'm - Don't bullshit.
- Don't bullshit me, I swear to God - I'm not! - I need some semblance of truth.
- Whoa, whoa! I'm not bullshitting you, alright? I am I'm I'm tired.
I'm sick Look look at this! Look at this.
Look at that! I need I need to spend my life with .
.
somebody that I love.
I want some continuum.
- Got your bullshit detector on? - Yep.
Getting anything? Well, I'm going to call Mr Poulos.
- Good.
- Yes.
I'm going to accept his offer.
Bully for you.
I'm so hot.
Oh, don't touch me.
But I'm so hot! Oh, I said don't touch me! Oh, God.
- No, but see, it'd be the only one.
- Ah.
Because there wouldn't be any other I wonder why.
.
.
Indonesian-language bookshops in Sardinia.
There might be a very good reason for that, Doc, huh? In as much as if we open an Indonesian-language bookshop in Sardinia, we would never sell a single book ever.
Not one.
Oh, shit.
OK, we're going to have to bolt.
The owner's going to be here soon and he's a very big boy.
- Hey? - Yeah? Are we really going to do this? Yes, we're going to do it.
Wanna celebrate? - How? - Oh, well, you know.
Here we are in this delightfully appointed north-facing, sun-drenched, empty apartment.
No! I mean, we'd probably have to be fast, but No, I'm insane.
I'm an insane psychologist.
All psychologists are insane.
The rest of us have always known that.
I'm terrified.
I'm excited.
Well, if the early exit polls are to be believed, they are consistent with the last three months of published polling and if that's the case, the government will be returned - Why are we watching the ABC? - It's free.
A few interesting seats to watch, though, particularly in South Australia and Victoria, where the trend is bucking a little and a couple of government ministers seem to have fights on their hands.
But all eyes, predictably enough, are turning to the Senate.
Antony, this was expected to be the case with the voting rules.
Hey, babe.
Where are you? Just just give me a call back.
OK, bye.
And with Cleaver Greene on the left-hand side there's a bit of a donkey vote, bit of confusion, and he seems to be polling very well at the moment.
Yes, Cleaver Greene.
No relation, Antony? No relation at all.
Annabel, is he the first jailbird, if he makes it? The first jailbird we've had in the Senate? Look, the thing that blows me away about tonight is that there is this mounting pattern of the donkey vote just commanding this extraordinary influence.
I mean, I assume that there's some fired up Green voters that are bringing this dissolute lawyer into the Senate.
Well, we also have with us the former leader of the New South Wales Labor opposition, now Senate candidate for the Greens, David Potter.
Ah.
Joke! - Is he gay? - Oh, as camp as a row of tents.
.
.
Queensland and Victoria is very encouraging.
A swing to the Greens is on.
What about in your own state of New South Wales where you are second on the ballot? Well, it's too early to call.
But I mean, this is the ballot paper for the Senate in New South Wales.
And amazingly, it's smaller than it was at the last election, - owing to the Senate reforms - Wendy? Can you please call me back? Thanks.
.
.
there are still preference deals in place.
So it's Yeah, it could be simpler, couldn't it? Tony, it's got to be observed that this is yet another example of the behaviour of Greens voters.
They just go to the first name that looks like a Greens on the ballot paper, tick it and that's it! In defence of this guy, though, he seems to have taken the precaution of committing Are you alright, darling? .
.
most of his atrocities before actually entering the Senate.
Now, that's unorthodox, right? Get another drink, shall I? But it is remarkable that, knowing what this man is like -- I mean, his record is there for the public to see, and yet there is a possibility that he is going to be elected as a Senator.
What's his reputation in the Sydney bar, for the national audience? Oh, rotten.
I mean, a complete disgrace.
Wendy, where the fuck are you? - Give me a call, alright? - And to think that he comes back from the professional dead as a Senator for New South Wales is breathtaking.
Oh, it's not even the stupidest thing that's happened all year, David.
- Look, on one level - Oh, fuck.
.
.
it's great for journalists.
On the other, it's pretty scary It's always great for journalists when a madman makes his way into politics.
I love it.
This is going to be a fascinating Senate.
You fucking loser.
- Sorry? - Loser! Just settle down, pumpkin.
I mean, you're still in with a chance.
In with a chance? - Ah! - You're Cal McGregor! I don't fucking think so.
The Cal McGregor I knew could get things fucking done! Who are you, you tragedy of a man? You're no Cal McGregor.
No, no, no, darling.
I'm Cal McGregor.
Pour me a drink.
So are you ready? - You're really, really ready? - Yes, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, - I'm good to go.
- OK.
Oh.
Oh, that's not a Jack attack, is it? Yeah, but I'm not going to answer it and we're going to go in and do this together, right? - Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
- OK.
What is going on here? I mean, is it the donkey vote, as has been suggested? Uh, g'day, mate.
Oh, Jesus.
What? I think you're in, Cleave.
I'm in? I'm in what? Well, we won't know for a bit but it looks like you're going to be a Senator.
.
.
across the ballot paper, and with Cleaver Greene, it may have delivered somebody into the Senate nobody's ever heard of.
Could he end up holding the balance of power? I think the issue is more he's there as an individual.
He may be one of several individuals And, um, while we're in the mood for announcements .
.
Missy and I are having a baby.
What? What?! It looks like you're going to be a Senator and I'm going to be a father.
You're having a baby with Are you two are you are you .
.
are you two having a baby, honestly? Really? - Really.
- Ah! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! No, no, no.
You have got to be fucking kidding me! That's disgusting.
So it seems there was some confusion about the meaning of 'Greene' on the ballot.
My clients are screaming green murder.
Even the ABC guy, his name is Green, Antony Green.
It's Greens, Greens everywhere, like a fucking family conspiracy! - You prick! - Me? You bastard! Cleaver Greene in the Senate, it's disgusting.
And yet the people seem to have spoken, Jack, huh? Are you having a baby, you two? Hey, Cleave, Cleave.
What about Sardinia, and me? Well, we we have to sort that out.
I mean, I'll probably have to postpone it for What's a Senator's term? Six - Six years.
- Six years.
So you're going to choose Canberra and politics over Sardinia and me? He has to.
He's been elected.
- Well, I I I am a Senator.
- Oh! You are a Senator? Yes.
And you will be the future Mrs Senator Greene.
How does that sound? Do you love it? She does not love it.
Wendy and I will go to Sardinia.
- Darling, we will go to Sardinia.
- Listen, can you get your own retirement plan? Mum, you can't go to Sardinia.
Mum's going to be a grandmother! You know what I would really fucking love? Is if you four got the fuck out of my house.
And that includes you, Fuzzy, darling.
My very wealthy son.
Don't think I didn't know about that.
And you, Melissa.
And you, Jack.
And you know what? I am just sick to death of my life being governed by other people's decisions.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, and you, Senator Fuckwit, every night when you go to sleep, I want you to think very, very clearly, "I have just totally fucking blown this.
" Oh, get out! Never know how much I love you Never know how much I care When you put your arms around me I get a Cleaver that's so hard to bear You give me Cleaver When you kiss me Cleaver when you hold me tight Cleaver in the morning Cleaver all through the night Prime Minister, we speak at last.
Cleaver till you sizzle What a lovely way to burn What a lovely way to burn What a lovely way to burn.
Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.
Oh, God! Oh, God.
I hope that wasn't Mrs Clinton.
You are not a part of the 'we' in this house.
You are, and always will be, an 'it'.
He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
Good God, and you were the good one in the family.
I got up to a bit of mischief myself.
I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent Senator.
What's the catch? You get out of Wendy's and my life.
This is insane.
You can keep the ring, by the way.
It only cost me 9 at the Paddo Market.
Ohh! This is unconscionable behaviour! The room always just felt lighter when she entered.
Shit! Fuck! She has this inner beauty.
I'm putting my name down for the Senate.
Cleaver Greene, nothing to say.
Cleaver Greene .
.
nothing to say.
- Cleaver Believer! - Oh! Listening to RN Breakfast.
Fran Kelly with you.
Well, with the federal election looming, the polls have been all the government's way for weeks now, predicting a sizeable majority in the House of Reps.
But in the Senate, as always, it's a different story.
Again, it looks like this next parliamentary term will see the Government's legislative program heavily dependent on cross bench support.
Joining me now is perhaps one of the most unlikely of those Senate candidates, though, as I say, anything is possible.
Cleaver Greene is a former criminal barrister and he joins me in the breakfast studio.
Cleaver Greene, welcome to RN Breakfast.
Lovely to be here, Fran.
Is it true that your run for the Senate is simply an attempt to derail your sister Jane's bid for the fourth National Party Senate seat in New South Wales? Yes.
Pretty much.
So you're running for the Senate out of spite? That's certainly the way that it started, yes, Fran.
Absolutely pure spite.
I think many of your listeners who've suffered at the hands of a domineering elder sibling will understand and be appreciative of the fact that, you know, somebody's finally standing up and saying, "Enough's enough.
"Let's give the little guy a go.
" As a result of that comment, you now have 137,000 followers on your Twitter account.
'Cleaver Believers' they're calling themselves.
Well, look, Fran, in essence, I'm a fairly humble sort of an individual.
Ohh! But people do seem to be very keen to hear what I don't have to say.
But what you are speaking about when you do speak, is just a litany of bizarre personal grievances, isn't it? The culling of ibises in city parks, imposing fines on people for using air quotes or using the word 'correct'.
Well, Fran, look -- yes, they are grievances, but, with all due respect, they're not petty.
You know, I mean, the capacity for an ibis to completely disrupt a family gathering in any park in the CBD is significant, if not grave, and you know, that is a funny-looking bird with its the And on a personal level, I don't trust them.
Yeah, but while you're going on about ibises, what about the big policies that really matter? What about pensions, superannuation? What about health, education? Oh, well, health is an issue that I take very seriously.
So you'll be asking the Federal Government to spend more on healthcare and medical research? No, no.
On the contrary, I think that we need a dramatic cut to the healthcare budget.
We're all living far too long as it is, Fran.
I mean, two score and ten, the Bible tells us.
Three score.
And ten, exactly.
Look, Fran, if you think about it, our greatest economic challenge is an ageing population.
It's a terrible burden on young families, on hospitals and on society in general, so we need to die younger.
Aw! As a nation, we quite simply can't afford to fund Viagra - Oh, for fuck's sake! - .
.
for 115-year-old pensioners.
So we cut back on spending in health and medical research and our budgetary situation will start to blossom because we'll finally be dying at precisely the time that the good Lord wanted us to, if not a little earlier, if we're lucky.
Ha! Has this country gone completely insane? No, translate it into non-binary, please.
As a result of that horseshit you just sprayed across our great nation, you now have 30,000 new Cleaver Believers.
I guarantee you by the weekend, you'll have over 200,000 supporters.
200,000 lunatics? 200,000 lunatics who are registered to vote, and that is all that we need.
Well, how can that be all we need in a state of over eight million people? Oh, because, sweetheart, that's where I come in.
I take your 200,000, I do a few preference deals with some politically aligned candidates.
I get 80,000 here, I get 40,000 there.
I make a couple of calls, I take a few meetings and bada-bing, bada-boom, you're over half a million Senator.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Isn't it? I thought they'd stopped this preference shit.
It's politics.
There's always a deal on the table.
No, there's no way I could swap preferences with a Green.
- Oh - No, no.
He's not a Green.
No, far from it.
- No, his name is Greene.
- Greene with an 'e'.
Oh, right, right.
You a civil libertarian, Mr Greene? One hundred percent, Vaughan.
Let me show you something.
The government's slowly but surely whittling away all our personal freedoms.
Oh, mate, I couldn't agree more.
It's an outrage.
You've got that right, Mr Greene.
Meet my girls.
They're things of beauty, aren't they? Oh, yeah.
See, I go out to the range most days, very early, and I warm 'em up.
Do you? And then Bam! bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! This one is so fast! She responds so quick.
Only have to touch her and she's off.
In fact, I think she knows when I'm about to touch her.
Here.
You take her.
Oh, well, mate, I don't want her to get the wrong idea.
- You know, a stranger touching her.
- Looks nice.
Does it? Beautiful.
Bam, bam, bam, bam! I think there should be more fucking in the world.
- Beg your pardon? - I'm talking about sex.
I think the world would be a better place if there was more of it.
I cannot tell you how strongly I agree with you.
So, if you back my call for legalisation of polygamy, I'd be happy to do a preference deal.
Absolutely.
I mean, that's a no-brainer.
You know, I have four sisters.
If we got this bill through, you could marry us all.
Think about it.
I I am I am think I am.
I've always voted Green in the past.
Now, I think you may have the wrong end of the stick there a little bit, Ellie.
- Because I'm not I'm not - You're not what? Cleaver's not unaware of your - .
.
position - Position.
- .
.
on green issues.
- Issues.
I just think the Greens have been ineffective and so much more could have been done.
- Couldn't - That is so funny.
That is exactly what you were saying in the car this morning.
- Pretty much word for word.
- Wow.
Cool.
I mean, meat is murder, right? Meat? Is murder.
And milk is a product of rape.
Milk is? Abso Oh.
Oh, what are they doing in those milking sheds? They should leave those animals alone.
Ohh! - The fiddling the cows - Don't! Can't say no.
Never a truer word was spoken.
Twice a day.
- Thank you so much.
- No, no, thank you, Ellie.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for your time.
- See you soon.
- Yes, I hope so.
Bye.
Well, that gives you faith in our political process, doesn't it? She should swing it.
- She should swing it? - Uh-huh.
- Are you serious? - Yep.
The woman who believes that milking cows is an act of violent sexual abuse I might just make a couple of calls just in case, just in case.
Unbelievable.
I thought the bar was insane.
Oh, come on, Cleave! It's a vibrant, living democracy.
Oh, talking about living -- here is where you could be living.
Friend of mine, a Senator.
He's not running again.
Needs someone to take over his lease, mate's rates.
- Oh, not bad.
- Not bad.
What suburb? What are you talking about, what suburb? It's in Canberra.
- Canberra? - Yeah.
Yes, that is where the Parliament is, you moron.
Were you home sick from school that day? No, no, I'm not moving to Ca I can't move to Canberra.
I assumed I'd be flying in and flying out.
Well, if you think that's an appropriate use of your travel allowance, fine.
Hey, would you honestly go to these lengths to get me out of Wendy's life? - Cleaver - It's pretty amazing.
If I could have figured out the perfect murder, you'd be dead by now.
And I came really close twice.
- Creepy.
- Right now, this is my best option.
Yeah.
So failed murderers become political consultants? Yeah, it's a natural career.
It's like failed barristers becoming Senators.
You know, I'm actually starting to think you're a witch.
- Ah! Maybe, 'cause you know what? - You're a witch.
My two redeeming features are my total adoration to Wendy - and my complete dedication - I adore Wendy.
- .
.
to her happiness.
- I'm dedicated to her happiness.
Oh, really? When was the last time you actually made her happy? - Ohh - More importantly, do you really think that you can make her happy in the future? You? - Yes - You've got no money, you've got no career, you've got no prospects without my help.
You know what, Cleave? I make over a million bucks in a bad year.
It's not about the money.
Yeah, it is.
It is a little.
- Wendy's not that fatuous.
- You know it is.
Here's the thing.
You want her to make you happy.
I want her to make her happy.
And I can do that, you can't.
Anyway, you've got your thing.
What thing? With your little friend in the balloon.
Is that? Oh, shit! Is that? Hey, and I want to make her I want her to make her happy, as well as everything else.
Did you hear me on the radio with Fran Kelly this morning? - Caught a bit.
- Pretty funny.
Yep.
Let's all die younger.
Had me rolling, mate.
Oh, what's with all the hate? Oh, I'm just over it, the whole thing, mate.
I want out.
Yeah, well, let me do the talking today, alright? It's not just this bullshit, it's everything.
I've decided to sell the house, pay these bastards what they want.
Whatever happens, we can't stay there.
There's not a corner of that place that Scarlet doesn't inhabit.
Well, it's probably for the best, mate.
It's not just the house.
It's actually Sydney, it's the nation.
You know, I've been thinking.
You remember you told me that you and Wendy were joking about moving to Sardinia? Mm, vaguely.
Actually, I think she's quite into it.
She keeps watching all these docos.
Well, I've done my own lot of research and it actually looks really bloody beautiful.
But Sardinia's what Wendy and I were thinking of.
Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Well, Sardinia's not your dream Mediterranean escape destination, it's my dream Mediterranean escape destination.
It doesn't mean you own the place, mate.
You'll be wanting to open a fucking English-language bookshop there in a minute.
Ah, so when the second coming's happened and you and Wendy - Copycat.
- .
.
arrive hand in hand, having won the Lotto, we'll happily show you our new home in Sardinia.
Mate, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you invading my space.
We've come to a final determination in the terms of the costs of rescuing you, Mr Meagher.
Look, ah, just to reiterate -- there was no rescue, remember? He actually put himself down on a beach.
Mr Greene, we've been through this.
Now, we were willing to sit down here and try and find a mutually satisfying conclusion.
But both you and Mr Meagher have been, in my opinion, aggressively unwilling to compromise.
Therefore What what is this? Just have a little look at that for a second.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm currently running for the Senate and those are my numbers.
That's, ah that's how we're trending at the moment.
The other thing you should probably know is that Jack Claymore is running my campaign.
Yes -- Black Jack Claymore.
So, look, guys, in a nutshell .
.
I'm going to be a Senator in a few weeks' time and certain senior bureaucrats will be appearing before me at estimates hearings, and I'm thinking that those senior bureaucrats probably won't want to end up dispensing bedpans in Nauru.
I could be wrong.
A cheque for a hundred grand for our inconvenience.
- How good was I? - Not a bad result.
That was exceptional.
So that's 50 each! Holy shit! The cheque's made out to me.
You weren't technically a party to these proceedings Oh, yeah, good one, mate.
You're an old tricker.
No, I'm not tricking.
- Are you fucking se? - Cleave.
- You're not serious? - I'm serious.
I've spent 60 on this already.
- Mate! - I'll give you five.
- Five? - Five.
- After ev Five?! - Five.
- After everything - Yeah, for the last time, Cleave, I was the one in the fucking balloon.
Oh, yeah, "I was the one in the fucking balloon.
" Yeah.
See you in Sardinia.
Labor is not the way to go in this state.
The Labor Party's lost its way and is bereft, with factional hacks controlling its every move.
And so I announce my resignation from the Australian Labor Party.
And further announce I'm joining the Greens.
Whose membership have asked me to run for a seat in the Senate.
I'm honoured by this request and will campaign with all my might and vigour, because in my heart of hearts I've always been a Green.
Being a Green doesn't just mean that you stand for the environment.
It also means you stand for equality, empathy, equity.
We're the Greens with more E's.
Yes, we've just heard he's running.
Yes, she's seen the numbers, too.
Yes, but if we just spent more on the Central Coast then maybe No? OK, fine, fi Well, there's no need for that! Language, please! Really! How's my little Venus going? Aww.
Lil? - Fuck off? - If you wouldn't mind, dear.
Bloody David Potter.
I had a chance! - I had a chance.
- I know, I know.
But you've just got to remember one thing, my love.
- What's that? - He's just David Potter.
I'm Cal McGregor.
Jesus.
Say it again.
I'm Cal McGregor and I will get you elected.
- You're going to get me elected? - I'm going to get you elected, babe.
Get me elected.
Finny! Oh! Finny.
Finny! I mean, that's disgusting.
Mm, is a bit.
- How'd you go at the tribunal? - Oh, incredible! - Genius! - Really? Genius.
They gave us a hundred grand.
Yeah.
Barnyard has stolen most of it, of course, because he thinks that's fair.
But you know Oh, my God.
We could zip out and have a little celebrate.
No, we couldn't.
Jack's taking me to a concert.
Oh.
What, is KD Lang in town, or Melissa Etheridge? You know what? I've never seen you so scared by anyone that I've been with.
I'm not scared of it.
I think it is scared of me, actually.
That's why it is running my campaign, so it can get me out of here.
- Because she loves me.
- That's not love.
- That is deranged.
- Yeah.
You know, speaking of deranged, I heard you on the radio this morning with Fran.
What? Pretty funny, don't you think? Cleave, you know, I used to love the way that you wrecked dinner parties when we were at uni, when you had an actual fire in your belly - Still wreck dinner parties.
- .
.
when you were young and you were rude and you had things to say.
But you know what? Now it just seems like you're kind of generally annoyed all the time.
- Just sort of shitty.
- Oh? You couldn't abide politicians because they had no skin in the game.
David has got skin in the game.
David? Who's David? David Potter.
He's running for the Greens.
It's all over the net.
It's a huge story.
What are you talk? David Potter? He was up on bloody murder charges a couple of minutes ago! Yeah, and you got him off! That's why it's a huge story.
Is there nothing of mine he doesn't covet? Have you noticed this? Honestly, every time I do anything, he's right up my clacker.
He's copying my life.
Mm, right, OK.
Well, I'm going to vote for him, so We all share this common link.
We all inhabit this small planet.
We all breathe the same air.
What, quoting Kennedy? Seriously? He steals from dead men.
I mean, I feel sorry for him.
It's an election, Cleaver.
It's actually very important.
I'm not going to vote for someone I can't take seriously.
- You can't take me seriously? - No, I can't.
Because you don't take yourself seriously.
- I take myself - No, when we were married, you used to come home at five o'clock in the morning fucking high as a kite, laughing your tits off, calling yourself Penis Pan.
- Penis Pan? - Yeah.
I thought I was El Fucko.
No, Penis Pan was your nickname for yourself.
- Rubbish.
- And you know, I'm not voting for El Fucko or Penis Pan.
Penis Pan? So from a weather point of view, one of the wackiest candidates in our upcoming Federal election is recently-disbarred Sydney barrister Cleaver Greene.
His policy on 'air quotes' is, in my opinion, 'out of this world'.
So, Cleaver, you've clearly amused and enchanted the electorate, but what is your comedic position on climate change? Well, I don't have a comedic position on climate change, Geoffrey.
It's something I take very seriously.
It's a moral imperative.
And look, it goes beyond climate change.
It really goes to how we change and adapt as a species.
Essentially, if we drank less, if we smoked less, if we consumed less, we would not only be healthier, but we would be richer as a community and as a planet.
You know, there's only so much the incredible healthcare workers in our midst can do, and the rest of it is largely over to us -- to change our lifestyles in order to promote reform.
This has been a cause of mine for a great many years and it's the bedrock of my campaign.
Seriously? That's what you've got to say? Because all the other things I've heard you say No, no -- that's exactly what I have to say.
It's something I take very seriously.
- Very.
- Very, very seriously.
- Jesus Christ! - What? What is it? I mean, serious health and economic reform? Really? - Yes! - Drink less, consume less? This is Australia, you idiot! I am saying what I mean.
I'm saying what I believe.
You mean nothing.
Do you not understand? You have just taken an enormous crap in your own bath.
Your whole dipshit differentiation has gone completely out the window.
I'm more than dipshit, lady.
In what strange planetary alignment would that actually be, Cleaver? In the 'fuck you' planetary alignment.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Fuck you.
You have blown it.
All I asked for was for you to shut up.
You know? Just shut up! Instead, now you sound like every other left-wing politician and your numbers have tanked.
- Oh, numbers.
- I asked you for nothing, Cleaver Oh, OK, alright.
.
.
and you couldn't even give me that! Alright! Do you know what? It's over.
Forget it.
It's off.
The deal's done.
We're through.
What do you mean, the deal's off? It was a stupid idea in the first place.
You just beguiled me.
In the same way as you beguiled Wendy, 'cause you're a witch.
You're a witch.
You listen to me, Cleaver.
We had a deal.
Now, I didn't promise to get you elected - Ohh! - I promised to work very hard Oh, so witchy-poo's doing a little adjusty-poo, is she? So now it is time for you to bugger off out of Wendy's life and let her be happy, with me.
Well, it's interesting because I don't seem to have a contract anywhere.
I don't even have a deal memo, which must be pretty unusual in your line of work, Jack.
You are the most dishonourable piece of shit I've ever met Oh, says the woman who has four times had a paedophile elected to the US Congress! Oh, says the man who got a brother rapist acquitted! Oh, my God.
Oh, this is very disturbing.
We're the same person.
Oh, that's disgusting.
That's disgusting! Hey, what's up? Just wanted to let you know that I'm out of the campaign, OK? I'm going to take our lives seriously.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
What do you mean by 'our lives'? I mean, what matters to me is my family, my friends, my loved ones.
And I want to open that little bookshop with you in Sardinia, OK? That's what you want, isn't it? That's that's the thing? Right, so all that concerns you is your family and your loved ones? Yes.
OK.
Um How was Nicole when you spoke to her? Nicole? Yeah, you have spoken to her, haven't you? Why? Nicole? Why would? Is she feeling any better? Because I did tell you that she was sounding alarmingly depressed.
I'm actually very worried about her.
Oh, oh, oh, yes.
The the, um the Bar Oh, for fuck It's His name is Bevan, Cleaver.
It is Bevan.
- Yes.
- You haven't spoken to her.
You know, if you could give me just an inkling that you gave a fuck about anybody but yourself This is a completely pointless conversation.
It's not a Doc, it's not a pointless conversation, OK? It's a good conversation and you're right, OK? She is a devoted and loyal friend and I am onto it, Doc, OK? Oh, look, I'm here to help out, OK? Just will you at least get up off the fucking bed? No, Bevan's right.
I am a bad person! Yes, you're not great, but you've got your whole life ahead of you, alright? You can get your shit together, hopefully.
Because because I always thought that you were the root of everything rotten in my life, that - What? - .
.
somehow you infected everything, - but it is me! It is all me! - Oh, I'm sorry! You thought I was the root of everything rotten in your life? - Yes! - I'll tell you who the root is.
The root has probably got her ear fixed to the other side of this door and her name is Maria! Oh, aha! - Oh, my God! - You are disgusting! I can't even bear looking at your face! Sorry, what is it you cunt face, Maria? Mama! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get off me! Mama! Wyjsc! I'm really, uh trying to help out here.
I know it mightn't seem it, but I am.
What Just - Tell me.
What can I do? - I don't know.
Well, what do you want? I just told you that I don't know! OK, but there must be something.
What do you? I saw the full footage of Barney on Australian Story and he did say some very beautiful things about me.
Yeah.
I mean, he told you at the time he said beautiful things about you.
Yeah, I know, but I didn't believe him.
Well, why didn't you believe him? Well, because I thought that he was still deep down in love with Scarlet and that he was really with me because of her being with you and I don't even know why that surprises me.
I mean, even Harry 'fucking sorry David' was with Missy and Scarlet.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, the world is just one big sexual revolving door! Look, you just feel like you fucked things up with Barney.
Oh, I just told you that! Weren't you even listening to me?! OK, don't don't Goddammit! OK, because I know for a fact that he misses you.
And he .
.
would love to see you.
Well, how do you know that? Because I know things.
Thanks.
Thanks for your help.
Take care.
Aren't you going to say, "Get in the car"? Ah, you really are trapped in the '80s, aren't you, Cal? I understand.
That was your era.
That was your decade, your time to shine.
My question is -- what are you going to do if I don't get in the car? So how about you get out of the car, or you piss off? Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
Get in the car.
Get out of the car.
- Get in the car.
- Get out of the car! - David, this is serious.
- Yeah, right.
It's about preferences.
Get in the fucking car.
Sangers.
My shout.
Chicken or pulled pork? You talking about the sandwiches or us? Huh? Come on.
Lucky dip.
I had lunch hours ago.
What time zone are you living in? Listen, Barnyard You know, Cleave, we've never really talked about Scarlet.
We have wept, we have drunk, but we've never really had a sensible conversation about her, not since she died.
Oh, mate.
You can't Honestly, you can't get Honestly She was Scarlet, alright? She was brilliant, beautiful, flighty, pain in the arse adorable .
.
Scarlet.
I miss her, you know.
I think about her all the time.
The best thing you can do Is to be happy.
I know.
- Yes.
- Especially for our kids.
Yes.
Just find the happy, mate.
It's gone in the twinkling of an eye.
Just find the happy.
So where do I go to find this 'happy', Cleave? Ah, you're barking up the wrong person here, mate.
Really? What I do know though, Barnyard, is that there's somebody else at the moment who's pretty busted and needs to find the happy.
Just putting it out there, you know? Thank you very much.
Mr Greene, how are you? Mr Poulos, very well.
How's Mrs Poulos with the death of Mrs Clinton? Is she alright? Mrs Clinton's death has left us with a grief that cannot die.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
But I do have some good news.
Our grandson is marrying.
- Ah.
Syncharitiria.
- Thank you.
But my wife is very keen to have him and his bride live close, so I've been letting the neighbours know that if anyone is considering selling, I would make a very attractive offer.
- Really? - Mm.
Mr Poulos.
Not one fucking word, bitch! I am so sorry.
So am I.
Hey.
What's that? Little boat.
Da-da-da-da! What the hell is wrong with you, Cleaver? What's going on? She could have broken her ankle, or worse! And you were laughing at her! She needed an ambulance and you just walked away laughing.
- An ambulance? - Are you back on coke again? - We're not judging you.
- I am judging you.
What is? Has everybody gone insane? I'm back on coke? - What are you? - Everybody calm down, please.
It was perfectly erect the last time I saw it.
It is absolutely fine.
It is not broken.
It's a very, very bad sprain, but I .
.
I really don't want to make a big deal about it, Wendy.
Are you out of your fricking minds? Are you buying this bullshit? Honestly! Do you seriously believe that in the last two hours since I saw it, it sprained its ankle and -- what? -- the ambulance came and collected it and took it to outpatients and put it in the queue ahead of all the other outpatients and got it mended and brought it back here again? Have any of you had any experience with the New South Wales healthcare system recently? It doesn't really work like that.
You're really making a fool of yourself.
Oh, I'm making a fool? She's making morons out of all of you! And meanwhile, I've been charged with the serious responsibility of fixing the life of Barney and Nicole and bringing them back together again.
Tick.
Done.
Those two are like that.
So maybe a little less of the "Boo, Cleaver!" for this bullshit, and a little bit more, "Oh, good on you, Cleave! "Well done, Cleave!" Cleaver, we all think that you need some help.
Do you? Do you think that? There's your help.
Have a look at that.
- What is it? - That'll help.
No, you actually can't believe a word that he says.
A fully paid ticket to Sardinia for two.
It's one way.
Yes.
One way.
No opt-out.
Just commitment.
One way.
And it's economy! Cleave, what are you thinking? Your mother and I are opening an English-language bookshop in Sardinia.
Why would you open an English-language bookshop - in Sardinia? - Oh, you should just butt out! - Why English? - That's a little racist.
It does sound racist.
What do you mean, why English? It's just an English language - When you go to a different - Ask her.
.
.
and you can't find anything to read and it's just hard to find Guys, it's an English-language bookshop in Sardinia, alright? - It could be Indonesian, actually.
- It couldn't be Indonesian! I don't speak Indonesian.
It's not going to be I'm sorry for being so confusing, everybody.
Here are the parameters.
It's an English language bookshop in Sardinia, alright? - Wendy.
- It's pretty straightforward.
The Italian Foreign Minister is a really good friend of mine.
Oh, don't start this shit.
Look at her sneaky little face! - Nobody's asking you anything.
- She got a She got a paedophile elected to US Congress Oh, really? You want to bring that up? How could you trust anything she says? You got a brother rapist acquitted, Mr Cleaver.
- Ooh, look at this! - You are a disgusting man.
Ooh, we're already on the plane.
Ciao! - You don't have a job.
- Ciao, bella! You have nothing.
You don't even have a job to retire from.
- I've got nothing? - Nothing! I have nothing? I have just sold this house for a very tidy profit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
How can you sell this house? It's not for sale.
It's my house! Mr Poulos next door has made a pretty incredible offer.
But, Cleave, this is not your house to sell.
It's my house.
What sort of offer? I don't think you'll be disappointed.
I don't understand how you can come in and just sell my house! I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Come on, what was the offer? 1.
5? Three million dollars.
Mr Poulos offered you three million dollars? Sydney property.
Oh, shit.
Hey! What, is not knocking a generational trend or something? How much did Mr Poulos really offer? 1.
8.
I knew it wasn't three.
1.
3.
- 1.
3? - Hm.
- Shit.
- Mm.
- So you're a bit short? - Bit short.
Your mum's got a real blind spot with Jack.
Have you noticed that? - With Jack? - Mm.
Says the man who just lied about the price of a house he has no right to sell.
Yeah, I don't know why I did that.
Actually, I do know why I did that.
I have no sense of life's continuum.
Do you understand? - Do you? - No, that's my point.
I .
.
live in the moment.
Every single tiny little moment, I always have.
I've always .
.
wanted every moment to be glorious.
And you hit a point in your life where you've got so many defeats racked up against you that you just I don't know, every little victory is significant, even the pathetic ones.
Hence the fuckwittery that you just observed out there and the humiliation that will doubtless ensue.
I would really like your mum to be happy and secure, but I'm buggered if I know how.
Don't worry about security, Cleave.
I got that covered.
Oh, you've got that covered? Yeah, I have some money.
Oh.
Since when? All that time spent in front of computers.
Watching porn? I'm not watching porn most of the time, Cleave.
I build apps.
Apps? What, like Nicole's ex-bastard? Bevan's a bit of a legend, actually.
And I'm pretty good at it too, it seems.
In the last six months I've had three bestsellers.
- Bestsellers? - Yeah.
Games about the weather, the environment.
They're fun, quasi-educational.
Parents are happy to buy them for their kids so they're really popular.
You know, polar bears in Hawaii, that sort of thing.
No, I don't know.
I have no idea.
What are you? Polar bears in Hawaii? What is that? I just I want you to know that Mum will always be OK.
My accountants have set up a trust.
Accountants? - Plural? - Yeah.
She doesn't know about it yet.
I just need you to know that she'll always be secure.
So you and Jack can keep your pissing contest going, as far as I'm concerned.
I just want Mum to be happy.
Where did you come from? With my DNA in your veins .
.
where did you come from, with all your wisdom? He cannot be serious.
Wendy, it's got to be bullshit.
Yeah, but if we sold it for three, that's a You know, I've made a lot of money.
He wouldn't lie about that.
He wouldn't? He is Cleaver Greene.
Oh, and look, here he is.
Why don't we just ask him? How much did you really get, Cleaver? 1.
3.
You see? 1.
3.
I, um, may have gotten a little carried away there.
That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
I lose.
OK? I lose.
The fact of the matter is that you've always been too good for me, and I know that.
I mean, I might be a moron but I'm not a moron.
Um and you blessed me with your love for a few years and you gave me him.
And I'm eternally grateful and I do want you to be happy and I'm not going to haggle over your future, so .
.
you know, you and Jackiavelli can sail off into the Sardinian sunset and I'm going to grab my little dilly bag and get the fuck out of here.
I think we need one more.
It's the feet.
I'm still not sure about the feet.
What's wrong with our feet? Oh, for Christ's sake, it's election day.
This has to be on the net before the polls open, you failed fucking bovine transplant of a human being.
You alright, sweetie? Cal.
I just want to get things right for you.
It'll be fine.
Fucking get on with it! Fuck.
Brian, please, just park something into your mouth, OK? You know, I have not slept for three days because of you.
I did not say Greene with an 'e'.
I said the Greens.
Are you a total imbecile? It is not the Greens with a fucking 'e'! Fuck! Oh, sweet Jesus! - How is this possible? - What is it? What? Brian, I will call you back.
I, Cal McGregor, take you, Jane Greene, to be my lawful wedded wife.
- That is Cleaver's sister, right? - What is it? And I, Jane Greene, take you, Cal McGregor, to be my lawful wedded husband.
Steaming piece of crap is what it is! Is it even real? It's Cal McGregor! This is going to go instantly viral.
Shit, the polls open any second! She's going to get 200,000 votes because of this.
Wendy, this is going to change the whole fucking Senate, do you understand? - Hey, Doc.
- My father hated lilies.
Yeah.
That's why that picture.
I spent hours trying to find a photo of the most beautiful lilies I could, just because I knew it would shit him.
Even though he's dead.
- God, he loathed you.
- And I him.
But, you know, you seemed to love him, so let's raise a cat-killing flower to the old bastard.
Oh, shit.
I gotta go, Doc.
Some of us have got sun-drenched, north-facing, meticulously-maintained apartments to let out.
- See ya.
- See ya.
Idiots! Hey, Jack, what day did your dad die? What? Ah, what? Why do you ask? It's the anniversary of my dad's death, so I was just Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I should have remembered.
No, no, no, it's alright.
I didn't expect - What day did he die? - Oh, um It was, uh it was August 17, yeah.
It was it was It was a day.
- It was March 23rd, Jack.
- Really? Oh.
Well, then right.
August 17 must be my mum.
April 24th was your mum.
You know what? If you want me to remember anniversaries, you're going to have to put them into my laptop, because I need to set reminders because I'm really fucking busy most of the time, OK? And it's fine.
I don't object to your hippy, yoga-filled lifestyle because I adore you, but fucking election day, and do we have to have this conversation right now?! It's also the day that my father died.
I just asked you what day your dad died, and you didn't know.
Come on.
The owner wants 600 a week for this? - Shit, what was that? - Oh.
Yeah, don't worry.
That's all part of the remediation works that are in process.
600 bucks a week with a leaking ceiling? Oh, well, you know.
I mean, it's the Sydney property market so it's very, you know, it's a very, very hot market.
Now, guys, are you keen on filling in a rental application form? - The ceiling is leaking.
- Yeah, that's .
.
the remediation work.
It's very much underway.
Oh.
That'll be it right now.
But, guys, look -- what you've got to think about is the character.
I mean, I'm all about the character in a place, and it's the details, isn't it? It's the, you know It's the little things that go to make up a And it's the sense of history as well.
There's no history here whatsoever.
If you spend enough time in this apartment, there will be history.
The ceiling's leaking.
Underbelly was shot here, apparently.
Fuck! Oh, my Oh, it is too good, it's too good! - Can you believe it? - Oh, God.
You know what? I think it sort of makes perfect sense that Cal McGregor should end up being your brother-in-law.
I know what you mean.
I hope God's up there laughing his balls off.
You know he does this for his own entertainment? - Mm-hm.
- So .
.
how are things your end? Where are you? - What's up, Doc? - That tie is disgusting.
Well, it's kind of a uniform.
OK, I need you not to speak for a second.
I just need you not to say anything at all for one second, OK? - OK.
- No, no! I've been thinking about Sardinia.
Oh, really? - Maybe.
- What, with Jack the Ripper? No, not with Jack.
She's driving me mental.
No.
She's actually she's very pushy.
Oh, really? Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Yeah, so I need to ask you something, OK? Um Are you capable of change? And I ask that knowing that that is the one question you'll probably fudge.
- Yes, I'm - Don't bullshit.
- Don't bullshit me, I swear to God - I'm not! - I need some semblance of truth.
- Whoa, whoa! I'm not bullshitting you, alright? I am I'm I'm tired.
I'm sick Look look at this! Look at this.
Look at that! I need I need to spend my life with .
.
somebody that I love.
I want some continuum.
- Got your bullshit detector on? - Yep.
Getting anything? Well, I'm going to call Mr Poulos.
- Good.
- Yes.
I'm going to accept his offer.
Bully for you.
I'm so hot.
Oh, don't touch me.
But I'm so hot! Oh, I said don't touch me! Oh, God.
- No, but see, it'd be the only one.
- Ah.
Because there wouldn't be any other I wonder why.
.
.
Indonesian-language bookshops in Sardinia.
There might be a very good reason for that, Doc, huh? In as much as if we open an Indonesian-language bookshop in Sardinia, we would never sell a single book ever.
Not one.
Oh, shit.
OK, we're going to have to bolt.
The owner's going to be here soon and he's a very big boy.
- Hey? - Yeah? Are we really going to do this? Yes, we're going to do it.
Wanna celebrate? - How? - Oh, well, you know.
Here we are in this delightfully appointed north-facing, sun-drenched, empty apartment.
No! I mean, we'd probably have to be fast, but No, I'm insane.
I'm an insane psychologist.
All psychologists are insane.
The rest of us have always known that.
I'm terrified.
I'm excited.
Well, if the early exit polls are to be believed, they are consistent with the last three months of published polling and if that's the case, the government will be returned - Why are we watching the ABC? - It's free.
A few interesting seats to watch, though, particularly in South Australia and Victoria, where the trend is bucking a little and a couple of government ministers seem to have fights on their hands.
But all eyes, predictably enough, are turning to the Senate.
Antony, this was expected to be the case with the voting rules.
Hey, babe.
Where are you? Just just give me a call back.
OK, bye.
And with Cleaver Greene on the left-hand side there's a bit of a donkey vote, bit of confusion, and he seems to be polling very well at the moment.
Yes, Cleaver Greene.
No relation, Antony? No relation at all.
Annabel, is he the first jailbird, if he makes it? The first jailbird we've had in the Senate? Look, the thing that blows me away about tonight is that there is this mounting pattern of the donkey vote just commanding this extraordinary influence.
I mean, I assume that there's some fired up Green voters that are bringing this dissolute lawyer into the Senate.
Well, we also have with us the former leader of the New South Wales Labor opposition, now Senate candidate for the Greens, David Potter.
Ah.
Joke! - Is he gay? - Oh, as camp as a row of tents.
.
.
Queensland and Victoria is very encouraging.
A swing to the Greens is on.
What about in your own state of New South Wales where you are second on the ballot? Well, it's too early to call.
But I mean, this is the ballot paper for the Senate in New South Wales.
And amazingly, it's smaller than it was at the last election, - owing to the Senate reforms - Wendy? Can you please call me back? Thanks.
.
.
there are still preference deals in place.
So it's Yeah, it could be simpler, couldn't it? Tony, it's got to be observed that this is yet another example of the behaviour of Greens voters.
They just go to the first name that looks like a Greens on the ballot paper, tick it and that's it! In defence of this guy, though, he seems to have taken the precaution of committing Are you alright, darling? .
.
most of his atrocities before actually entering the Senate.
Now, that's unorthodox, right? Get another drink, shall I? But it is remarkable that, knowing what this man is like -- I mean, his record is there for the public to see, and yet there is a possibility that he is going to be elected as a Senator.
What's his reputation in the Sydney bar, for the national audience? Oh, rotten.
I mean, a complete disgrace.
Wendy, where the fuck are you? - Give me a call, alright? - And to think that he comes back from the professional dead as a Senator for New South Wales is breathtaking.
Oh, it's not even the stupidest thing that's happened all year, David.
- Look, on one level - Oh, fuck.
.
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it's great for journalists.
On the other, it's pretty scary It's always great for journalists when a madman makes his way into politics.
I love it.
This is going to be a fascinating Senate.
You fucking loser.
- Sorry? - Loser! Just settle down, pumpkin.
I mean, you're still in with a chance.
In with a chance? - Ah! - You're Cal McGregor! I don't fucking think so.
The Cal McGregor I knew could get things fucking done! Who are you, you tragedy of a man? You're no Cal McGregor.
No, no, no, darling.
I'm Cal McGregor.
Pour me a drink.
So are you ready? - You're really, really ready? - Yes, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, - I'm good to go.
- OK.
Oh.
Oh, that's not a Jack attack, is it? Yeah, but I'm not going to answer it and we're going to go in and do this together, right? - Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
- OK.
What is going on here? I mean, is it the donkey vote, as has been suggested? Uh, g'day, mate.
Oh, Jesus.
What? I think you're in, Cleave.
I'm in? I'm in what? Well, we won't know for a bit but it looks like you're going to be a Senator.
.
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across the ballot paper, and with Cleaver Greene, it may have delivered somebody into the Senate nobody's ever heard of.
Could he end up holding the balance of power? I think the issue is more he's there as an individual.
He may be one of several individuals And, um, while we're in the mood for announcements .
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Missy and I are having a baby.
What? What?! It looks like you're going to be a Senator and I'm going to be a father.
You're having a baby with Are you two are you are you .
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are you two having a baby, honestly? Really? - Really.
- Ah! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! No, no, no.
You have got to be fucking kidding me! That's disgusting.
So it seems there was some confusion about the meaning of 'Greene' on the ballot.
My clients are screaming green murder.
Even the ABC guy, his name is Green, Antony Green.
It's Greens, Greens everywhere, like a fucking family conspiracy! - You prick! - Me? You bastard! Cleaver Greene in the Senate, it's disgusting.
And yet the people seem to have spoken, Jack, huh? Are you having a baby, you two? Hey, Cleave, Cleave.
What about Sardinia, and me? Well, we we have to sort that out.
I mean, I'll probably have to postpone it for What's a Senator's term? Six - Six years.
- Six years.
So you're going to choose Canberra and politics over Sardinia and me? He has to.
He's been elected.
- Well, I I I am a Senator.
- Oh! You are a Senator? Yes.
And you will be the future Mrs Senator Greene.
How does that sound? Do you love it? She does not love it.
Wendy and I will go to Sardinia.
- Darling, we will go to Sardinia.
- Listen, can you get your own retirement plan? Mum, you can't go to Sardinia.
Mum's going to be a grandmother! You know what I would really fucking love? Is if you four got the fuck out of my house.
And that includes you, Fuzzy, darling.
My very wealthy son.
Don't think I didn't know about that.
And you, Melissa.
And you, Jack.
And you know what? I am just sick to death of my life being governed by other people's decisions.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, and you, Senator Fuckwit, every night when you go to sleep, I want you to think very, very clearly, "I have just totally fucking blown this.
" Oh, get out! Never know how much I love you Never know how much I care When you put your arms around me I get a Cleaver that's so hard to bear You give me Cleaver When you kiss me Cleaver when you hold me tight Cleaver in the morning Cleaver all through the night Prime Minister, we speak at last.
Cleaver till you sizzle What a lovely way to burn What a lovely way to burn What a lovely way to burn.