Ramy (2019) s01e09 Episode Script

Dude, Where's My Country?

1 I sometimes forget that you actually live here, bro.
This bed, man.
No wonder your posture's all fucked up.
Explains your behavior, actually.
Dude, my posture's fine.
This is not a problem.
MO: No, man, all seriousness, we're really proud of you, bro.
Goin' back to Egypt, the motherland.
Dude, I know.
I haven't been there for, like, 15 years.
AHMED: Just don't eat the street food, though.
You can get a monster parasite.
And don't pet any dogs.
Or any animals.
They're probably harboring some kind of anger or rage, bite you, and then you end up dying.
Don't do that.
No, dude, I'm not gonna eat any of the street food.
I'm only gonna eat, like, authentic shit.
Home-cooked meals, I'm gonna go visit the mosques Like I just I wanna be somewhere where I'm surrounded by Muslims.
You know? It's like none of this confusion that we have here.
Like, it's gonna be it's gonna be amazing, man.
That's beautiful, bro.
Look, man, I need you to sell these three iPads for me.
- What? - Look, the taxes in Egypt on electronics are through the roof.
We mark these down a little bit, make a lot of money, and put my kid through another year of preschool.
No, I'm not doing that.
MO: Come on, just put 'em in one of your bags.
Dude, I have one bag, and I'm not gonna fill it with iPads.
I don't even have room, you see? I can barely even get my shoes in.
What do you mean you're taking just one bag? What, are you backpacking in Europe? You goin' on a canoe trip? You gotta bring stuff.
You can't show up empty-handed, bro.
AHMED: You gotta bring shit back for me too.
I told my wife you'd get us some pistachios.
I'm not bringing stuff.
I'm not even gonna be in Cairo, okay? I'm mostly gonna be in the village at my grandpa's.
So - Take it easy, okay? - Bro, you always do this, man.
I'm doin' somethin' simple, and you're making it complicated.
Can you stop being so stubborn about this? You need a SIM card for your phone.
Roaming kills everybody.
All right? You just go to the Vodafone in Cairo, you speak to my boy Misho.
You give him the three iPads, he gives you cash.
In return, you'll get a SIM card.
Man, I'm doin' you a favor here.
I just can't believe you.
Look how easy this is.
This guy's constantly bitchin'.
What is this? I thought you were flyin' by yourself, bro.
The family's comin'? No, they're not.
Mom, what is all this stuff? Habibi, there is only these three bags, okay? I told everyone in the family that you cannot bring anything.
- Who'd you say no to, exactly? - Everyone.
Mom, I'm not bringin' all this shit.
It's crazy.
Habibi, your father's family misses you.
Mom, they're just gonna be happy to see me.
They don't need me to bring all this stuff.
NASEEM: They do need you to.
It's how you show your love, habibi.
Re Bengay is how I show my love? Ah.
Extra Strength.
AHMED: I use it all the time and I don't even need it sometimes helps me go to sleep.
- What? - FAROUK: If you're gonna run away, take something with you for your family.
MO: That's what I'm trying to tell him, khalo.
When are you gonna travel and explore the world? I still haven't explored this town.
Can't fucking go anywhere.
Habibi, everything is labeled with everyone's name, okay? Make sure you get the right thing to everyone.
MO: I didn't know you were takin' three or four bags, I coulda fit my GoPros in there, we coulda flipped 'em really easily.
Khalto, can we squeeze 'em in there maybe? AHMED: No, no, no.
We don't have time, man.
You gotta be there three hours early.
You telling me you got it, khalo? All right, cool.
You go that? I'll get the other bags.
- Let's go.
- NASEEM: Don't get up, Farouk.
I'm I'm over there.
CABBIE: Taxi? - Uh, taxi? - Hey, hey.
Hey, Captain.
Come with me.
I give you a good rate.
- La shukraan.
- CABBIE: Hey, listen listen to me.
I take care of you, we go wherever together, you and me.
- La shukraan.
- No, no, no! You will come with me? - Shukraan.
- CABBIE 2: No, no, no! - I love you.
- I love you more.
- Hey, I - No, I love you more! SHADI: [SPEAKING ARABIC.]
It's my motherfuckin' cousin.
What up, my nigga! C'mere! [SPEAKING ARABIC.]
I can't believe I'm seeing you right now.
- It's like my mind is just blown.
Bro, you don't have to speak to me in Arabic.
My English is premium.
I went to A.
American University in Cairo, baby! Oh.
Yeah, no, of course.
SHADI: Anyway, cuz, you got style.
Look at you.
Hey, are those the OG editions? Yeah, they are.
- You pimp, man.
You pimp.
- Thanks, man.
And the whole family is just so excited to see you.
- I can't tell you.
- Man, I can't wait to see them.
- It's it's so amazing to be here.
That's her right now.
This is Mama.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, bye, bye.
Hey my, ah, Arabic's a little bit rusty, but, uh, what does "Kutcher" mean again? Like, Ashton, bro.
Ashton Kutcher.
You know, you were standing out there with the cabbies, you were like, "Dude, where's my car?" [LAUGHS.]
Classic film though, right? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's been a while.
Yeah, it's been a bit, but you've seen Two and a Half Men though, right? - Uh - Dude, that shit got dope ever since they got rid of Charlie Sheen.
Man, Ashton Kutcher just killed it! The transition was seamless! He's such a professional.
Yeah, it seems like they handled it really well.
- SHADI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- True.
All right.
Let's do this.
You only brought four bags? - Travelin' light, pimp.
I love it! - RAMY: Uh, thanks.
Aw, man, I know the family was pressing you to get stuff, and that's why I didn't ask for anything.
Thank you.
Plus, one of my boys flies for Egyptian Air, and he hooks me up on the DL all the time.
- Oh, dude.
That's awesome.
- SHADI: Yeah, man.
Just last month he got me some, like, premium kush.
Straight-up narco shit.
You know what? We're gonna roll that up and smoke it when we get home, insha'Allah.
It's gonna be good.
Dude, I'm gonna show you everything.
I'm gonna give you the best tour of Egypt.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, man, dude, I can't wait, man.
Just to hang out with the family and see all the sights, like, visit all the cool mosques.
Wow, man, you don't even need the kush.
You straight-up cray-cray.
Let's go.
- RAMY: Are we close to downtown? Like, by Tahrir, where the revolution happened and stuff? No, no, we're not close.
Wow, man.
Can't wait to go to the village to see Grandpa.
Village sucks, bro, and it's really fuckin' far.
You drive all the way there, and Grandpa, I mean Gedo is cool for, like, five minutes, man.
You're way too pimp to hang out at the village, bro.
Just follow my lead.
I swear, I'll show you the best time.
I'll show you the real Cairo, bro.
Hey, you hungry? You wanna go grab a bite at Chili's or something? Chili's, like, the restaurant? Yeah, dude.
I mean, you were on that flight for ages, and they only serve, like, hummus and shit.
Let's get you some boneless B-wings! Um no, no, I'm I'm good, man.
I-I figured we could have, like, some Egyptian food, ya know? My mom said Tant Ammah is, like, the best cook.
Hey, whatever you want, homeboy.
Check it out.
There's the Pyramids.
Wow! Bengay Extra Strength! Habibi, habibi, habibi.
I just do it! [LAUGHS.]
AUNT: Mm! I just do it! I just do it.
I just RELATIVE: Girls With Curls! Uh, Foreman.
iPad! - SHADI: That's good.
- RAMY: Mmm.
UNCLE: Um, Ramy.
Look at you, man.
Don't worry, it's stuffed pigeon.
It's really good.
Just Anthony Bourdain that shit, you'll be fine.
- Hmm.
SHADI: Hey, dude.
Save your energy.
Don't bother talking politics with them.
This entire generation suffers from Stockholm Syndrome.
They just love this shit.
Chinese? UNCLE: Ramy, why did Obama strike with his drones? He knew, Allah.
All American presidents have to attack the Middle East.
If he doesn't do that, people will think he's Muslim.
So you're saying he killed Muslims so people wouldn't find out he's Muslim? Yes, of course! [SPEAKS ARABIC.]
- UNCLE: Ramy, don't be stubborn like your father.
How's the pigeon, man? Try it.
It's real good.
Tell you what, just finish it real quick and let's go get changed, 'cause I'm gonna take you to a sick party tonight.
Ah, no, I'm all right, man, I think I'm just gonna lay low a little.
I got, like, jet lag and stuff, and One of my bros is, like, the best house DJ in the country.
- You know DJ Tiësto? - RAMY: Yeah.
Yeah, he retweeted his shit.
I'm I'm good, dude.
I might just maybe walk around a little bit.
I-I think there's a mosque near here I wanted to see.
Um - I have it on my phone.
- Mosque? I mean, if you're gonna be walkin' around town goin' to mosques and shit, we gotta at least get you a local number.
Okay, yeah, I think I might know a guy.
Um, I'm supposed to go see him.
And give give the party a thought.
What are you gonna do, hang out with these guys? Look at 'em.
UNCLE: I tell you, this iPad is gonna change my life.
Something so precious eh, needs protection.
Oh Hey, man, didn't you say you were gonna sell those iPads? Yeah.
- So we're gonna let him pick out a case? - [SPEAKING ARABIC.]
Welcome into Egypt.
You you criticize Trump, but Trump loves his family! He he gives them hotel, he gives them work - you don't think about your family! - MISHO: [SPEAKING ARABIC.]
Man, I've never heard the call to prayer this loud, man.
There's a mosque right there.
We can pray Isha'a.
Ramy, don't be so stubborn, nigga.
I-I told all my friends in there that I was gonna show up with my cousin from America.
Don't make me look like a bitch, man.
I'm not tryin' to, man, I'm just Look, I promise it'll be awesome.
Plus, there's a ton of hot chicks in there.
That's, like, the last thing I want right now.
Like, I came here to get clarity, not hook up.
Look, man, I been dyin' to see you and hang out with you, and I kinda feel like you don't wanna hang out with me.
Dude, I I just Come on, man, I practically set up this whole thing for you, man.
All right, man, thank you.
- Let's go.
Let's go, man.
- All right, boy! [CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
SHADI: Hey, yo, motherfuckers, this is my cousin Ramy from America! - [ALL CHEER.]
What's up, man? Captain America! What up, my nigga! RAMY: What's up.
We used to live on the same block as Shadi, man.
I remember you when you were this small, dude.
Oh, okay, cool, yeah.
It's it's it's been a while, sorry I don't remember.
- I was eight.
- FRIEND: It's all good.
How you like Egypt, man? Um, haven't really had the chance to see it yet, like, all of it, you know? So I'm lookin' forward to that.
I mean, it's been complicated the last couple years.
Thanks, man.
You mean, like, like, since the revolution and stuff, yeah? I was asking Shadi earlier, I really wanna see Tahrir, man.
It's-it's so cool that you guys were all there, I mean, it's it's amazing.
Anyway, peace out, man.
- SHADI: I'll see you in a bit.
- See you later, yeah.
Bro, could you not talk about that shit? It just brings in a lot of negative energy.
I'm I'm just saying.
Um I'm gonna I'm just gonna get some fresh air.
SHADI: Sure, man.
Do your thing.
I'll be around.
- Yeah.
- All right.
I'll be right here.
Uh hi.
Oh, okay.
- It's it's like, the Nile? - Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Okay, yeah.
- RAMY: Yo.
- SHADI: Bro.
Yo, man, I I just met someone, I-I think she's your friend? This, like, really cute girl, she she said they were going to another party that was more chill.
Maybe we could go with them? Dude, that's fuckin' awesome.
You found a chick already? I knew my cousin was a player! You're like fuckin' Hitch, man.
Try this.
- What? - Hitch.
Will Smith in that film? He's really good with chicks? No, yeah, but, du [SNORTING.]
- Shadi, I - It'll help with the jet lag.
Are you serious, bro? What? I [PLACES TRAY DOWN.]
Bro can I talk to you outside for a minute? What the fuck, bro? Like, what are what are you on about? I thought you were cool, man, from New York I thought you were my nigga, man.
All right, dude, you really gotta stop saying that.
- Saying what? - The N-word.
You can't say that shit, you can't just shout it.
You realize how offensive that is to black people? Dude, Egypt's in Africa! We're African! You're black, I'm black we can say that shit.
No, dude, I am not black.
I didn't know you were so judgy, bro.
You you judged me earlier for not prayin', and now and now you tell me what I can say and what I can't say? I'm just worried about you, dude.
You're doin' coke.
That's dangerous.
SHADI: What do you think of us here? You you're comin' in here, talkin' to people about the revolution and shit.
Bro, we saw people die in front of our fuckin' eyes.
You think we wanna keep talkin' about that shit? Man, Todi, his sister went to jail for holding up a sign, and she fuckin' died.
And I see you being all spiritual and shit and trying to make meaning of all of this? Look, I don't know where God is, but I sure as fuck know he's not here right now.
I'm lost, man.
Everybody's lost.
I'm like fuckin' Ashton Kutcher, but I'm like, "Dude, where's my country?" I don't know.
I don't fuckin' know.
So yeah, I thought you were my nigga.
But I guess I was wrong, man.
Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, I I'm I'm sorry, man.
I was being really selfish and-and No, man, that's not what I'm talk Did you just drink all that water out of the tap? Yeah.
Shit, man, you can't be drinkin' water out of the sink in Cairo, bro.
That shit'll fuck up your body.
You're gonna be so fucked later, bro.
Um wh-what are you doing here? I was just getting some water.
Are you okay? What did my brother do to you? I'm sorry, I know how Shadi gets.
Yeah, Sh-Shadi, your your brother.
My, um, my cousin.
I, um I need to use the Sorry.