Red Dwarf s03e01 Episode Script


("STAR WARS"-STYLE MUSIC) (RED DWARF THEME) - Cat? - Mmm? - You ever see "The Flintstones"? - Sure.
Do you think Wilma's sexy? Wilma Flintstone? Maybe we've been in deep space too long, but every time I see that show, she drives me crazy.
- Is it me? - Well, I think, in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
That's good.
I thought I was going strange.
- She's incredible.
- What do you think of Betty? Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
This is crazy.
We're talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone.
You're right.
We're nuts.
This is an insane conversation.
She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
Holly, clipboard and pen, please.
- Well, Krytie, today's the day.
- But, sir, I'm just not ready.
- Six weeks is just not long enough.
- Ten-thirty.
Name? - You know my name.
- If this works, it's a new lease of life for us, but we've got to do it by the book.
It's just when you go into "official mode", my anxiety chip goes into overdrive.
- Name? - K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K I'll just put Kryten.
- Can you see that space vehicle? - Where? Oh, that one.
Yes, sir.
And can you read the registration for me, please? - Starbug 1? - Right, show me to your vehicle.
Right, in your own time, start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors and off into outer space.
Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet.
Once there, bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering to pay due care and attention to any other space users.
Right, in your own time.
(CLUNK AND WHOOSH) In your own time.
I've failed, haven't I? - Just proceed.
- You'll hold it against me.
- One mistake.
- Please.
(KRYTEN) Antigrav, check.
Retro, check.
Boosters, check.
And very gently ease forward I think there's something wrong with the gearbox.
The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2.
I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.
- They're exactly the same.
- Yes.
That's the problem.
(BRAKES SCREECH) Next, transfer to autopilot, while we conduct the recognition (GEARS GRIND) -.
- Engage autopilot.
Autopilot engaged.
Well, I say "autopilot".
It's not really.
It's Muggins here who has to do it.
- Right, what's that one? - Heavy traffic.
Keep in lane.
- That one? - Danger.
Space mirages ahead.
At half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance? - Four years, three months.
- And the thinking time? A fortnight.
- Space phenomena.
What's that? - A pulsar.
- And that? - A binary star.
- What's that? - A time hole! - Don't help him.
- It's a time hole! - It's nothing like a time hole.
- (HOLLY) It is.
- It is! It's a time hole! - A time hole is a rare phenomenon, which, legend has it, transports us into another part of space and time.
That is obviously a blue giant about to go supernova.
THAT is a time hole.
Right, what's this? (TREMENDOUS CRASH) I suppose you're going to fail me for this.
What is this place? Holly? Is it possible? Can this be Earth? Certainly seems that way.
Constellations match.
Gravity, one G.
- What's the time period? - Well, difficult to say exactly, but according to all available data, I would estimate it's round about lunchtime, maybe half-one.
What period in history, dingleberry-breath? Can we expect to see Genghis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or flesh-eating dinosaurs eating Doug McClure? What is the year? Well, I'd need more data before I could give a precise answer.
- Like? - This year's calendar would be handy.
(KRYTEN) I've never been to Earth.
I've only seen it on photographs.
It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter.
"Nodnol, 871 selim.
" - Nodnol? Where's Nodnol? - (KRYTEN) It's London.
"London, 178 miles.
" It's backwards.
- Shh! A truck.
- It'll probably hit that box.
There's a perfectly rational explanation for this.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) Then again, possibly not.
(HORNS HONK) (RIMMER) What the smeg is going on? (KRYTEN) Everything's backwards.
(HOLLY) It's perfectly consistent with current theory.
Everything starts with a Big Bang, right? And the universe starts expanding.
When it's expanded as far as it can, there's the Big Crunch, and everything starts contracting.
It's possible that time starts running backwards, as well.
(RIMMER) So is this Earth? (HOLLY) It's Earth all right, only Earth where time's going backwards.
(BOTH SPEAK BACKWARDS) (SPEAKS BACKWARDS) Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb.
- What are you doing? - You said look inconspicuous.
- Don't be idiotic.
- But if people see my face, what will they think? Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) -I got a newspaper.
- What's the year? 3991?! No, it's 1993.
It's backwards.
I'll switch to reverse mode.
(BLEEPS) "Three brought to life in bank raid.
"A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets "out of two cashiers and a security guard "in a South London bank tomorrow.
"The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept $10,000, "which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults.
"The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence "for the crime two years ago.
" - What does that say? - It's an advert.
"Roll-off deodorant.
Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours.
" What shall we do? This place is crazy.
There's nothing we can do until they find us.
We'd better get a job.
What jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head like a novelty condom? Here's the jobs page.
This looks interesting.
"Wanted - managing director, ICI.
Excellent demotion prospects.
"Right candidate could go straight to the bottom.
" - Something a bit more low-key.
- "Restaurant requires dish dirtier"? - Anything else? - Ah, this looks interesting.
"Theatrical agent requires novelty acts.
" - What do we do that's a novelty? - In this world, everything.
- Three weeks we been doing this.
- We'll do it till we find them.
We ain't gonna find 'em.
They're gone, buddy.
But look on the bright sidethey're gone, buddy! Don't you care about anyone but yourself? Hell, no.
I don't even care about you.
If Goalpost-Head and Freak-Face want to get lost, that's their bag.
I don't see why it should cut into my preening time.
You realise with all this, I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week? - I'm a wreck.
- You perm your leg hairs? Only as an aid to the natural curl.
- Fasten your belt.
- I don't need fashion tips from you.
SAFETY belt.
Is that what I think it is? - What do you think it is? - An orange whirly thing.
It's a time hole.
That's where they are.
We're going in.
- What?! You can't go in there.
- Why not? Orange with this suit?! Where are we? I don't believe this.
According to the NaviComp, this is Earth.
(LISTER) Engage cloak.
I'm takin' her down.
- (CAT) What was that for? - We don't want to freak the natives.
What's the matter? I dunno.
I think me ribs are cracked.
And me back.
- Is my eye bruised? - Yeah, it is.
- What's that? - It's a homing device.
It'll find their flight recorder.
I'm home.
- You found anything? - The Bug's there, but they're not.
You're dry.
That's weird.
Let's take a look around.
Maybe they left us a clue or something.
(LISTER) What's this? They must have left them to tell us where they'll be.
- What's it say? - It's in some weird language.
" That must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin'.
- You speak Bulgarian? - Me?! I can hardly speak English.
What's this? Nodnol? Hang on! Wait a minute! Nodnol.
- It's in Bulgaria.
- Are you sure? Geography was my number-one subject at school.
Nodnol - rich in animal produce and minerals, just south of Bosnia.
- What's "selim"? - Obviously, Bulgarian for kilometres.
You're so smart.
I'm glad I'm with you.
Well, we are the smart party.
(BOTH MAKE BEATBOX SOUNDS) (RAPS) I didn't come here lookin' for trouble I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle! (CAT) He's smart (BOTH) He's smart (LISTER) My ribs are killing me.
Let's find some transport.
Come on! Let's go! Go! Come on! Bye, suckers! You lost your bike! Start pedalling, man! Start pedalling! - Get this thing in forward gear! - It IS in forward gear! Stop! Stop! No more.
I'm not moving another yard on this thing.
I've got a parting in the back of my head.
It's these cheap Bulgarian bikes.
You probably have to queue for a year for this junk.
You have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards.
Yo, matey.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) I don't speak Bulgarian.
You speak English? We're lookin' for our friend.
Uh Our budski? Palski? There's an addresski hereski.
Can you, ermdrop us offski? - Rock'n'roll.
-Thankski verski muchski, budski.
(CAT) Hey! Hey! Hey! We're movin' in the right direction now.
(DOG BARKS BACKWARDS) This is the place.
My eye! Me back feels like it's been cut to ribbons! Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan! Ladies and gentlemen, olleh, olleh, olleh.
Welcome to the show.
(ROARS OF LAUGHTER) - That's a joke? - For our first trick tonight, my partner Kryten will attempt to eat a boiled egg - forwards.
- (ALL GASP) (CRIES OF DISGUST AND AMUSEMENT) This is entertainment to these people? It's pathetic.
They're Bulgarian.
They have very simple tastes.
I have it.
It's a moron convention.
Check the coat room.
If there are 20 jackets, all white, with arms that tie behind the neck, I'm right.
And what better way to round off a meal than by drinking a glass of water? - Kryten.
- Whoa, stick around.
They're building up to a big climax.
We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers.
We shall see you last night.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Let's get a drink and go backstage.
Hello? Excuse me? Can I have two pints of bitter, please? - Bitter.
Two pints.
- She can't understand you.
- You're wasting your time.
- Yo, what you drinkin' there? Drinkski? Beerski? Ah, rettib.
Two pints of rettib, please.
- Rettib? - Two.
Was that difficult? No, we're the smart party.
Look at that menu.
" It's English, but backwards.
Everything's backwards.
- Everything's backwards? - Yeah.
Right! Well, as they say, when in Rome, do as the Snamor do.
- Up the hatch.
- Booties down.
What do you mean, you don't want to leave?! - We're happy.
- We've found a niche.
We're the Sensational Reverse Brothers.
After just three weeks, we're a hit.
- Rimmer, everything is backwards.
- We've got used to it.
Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense.
There's no death here.
You start off dead, you have a funeral, then come to life.
As each year passes, you get younger, until you become a newborn baby.
Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole.
Rimmer, you already are one glorious hole.
- You've totally flipped, man.
- We want to stay.
But we can't stay.
Look, I'm 25 now.
In 10 years' time, I'll be 15.
I'll have to go through puberty again.
Imagine that.
Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body, and next thing you know, you're singing soprano in the choir.
And worse than that, in 25 years, I'll be a little sperm, swimming around in somebody's testicles.
That's just not how I saw my future.
I tell you, things are better here.
It's our universe that's backwards.
Take war.
War is a wonderful thing here.
In 50 years' time, the Second World War will startbackwards.
- That's a good thing? - Millions will come to life.
Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria.
We're smash hits.
We'd be crazy to leave.
Rimmer, we don't belong here.
This place is crazy.
Crazy? Death, disease, famine - there's none of that here.
There's no crime.
Our first night here, a mugger jumped us and forced $50 into my wallet at knifepoint.
But look at the flipside of the coin.
It's not all good.
Take someone like, say, St Francis of Assisi.
In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals.
Or Santa Claus - what a bastard! - Eh? - He's the fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) What fight? We didn't start any fight? - What's he saying? - (SPEAKS BACKWARDS) (KNOCKING) - We're fired! For fighting.
- You've been with us all night.
He says we'll never work the pub circuit again.
For smeg's sake! Be reasonable! (BACKWARDS CONVERSATION) Tell him about the contract thing.
He can't just sack us like that.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) - What's that about? - Rimmer in a fight? That's a laugh.
- So, what's the plan? - I dunno.
If they don't change their minds, head back without them.
My back! We just gotta get out of here.
This universe is just too disgusting.
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS) - What's the matter with him? - (SPEAKS BACKWARDS) I think we've just uneaten his pie.
We didn't start a fight.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
We were just Ah! - (CAT) Are you OK? - My black eye's gone! He just sucked it off me face with his fist! Oh! - Now he's uncracked me ribs! - We don't want any trouble.
You don't understand.
All this mess, all this debris, is from the fight we got fired for, which we're about to have.
ABOUT to have? I don't want a bar room brawl.
It's not a bar room brawl.
It's a bar room tidy.
Unrumble! - Where are you going? - I know what happens to me back.
Here, have your tooth back.
(BACKWARDS CHATTER) Good one, gentlemen.
Thanks for your support.
Let's go.
I've forgotten something.
- (SPEAKS BACKWARDS) - What the hell? It's a good cause.
How much is that, mate? Oh, aye, yeah! (CABBIE) Oi! Tight git.
You know, it could have worked.
It really could.
Where's the Cat? He won't be long.
He'syou knowin the bushes.
We've got to stop him.
Don't ask! It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun