Red Dwarf s12e06 Episode Script
Skipper
1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, hey! Officer Smegski.
How's it going, non bud? I'm busy, don't disturb me.
Last time you disturbed me, I was doing the safety check.
And, I failed to notice that the diesel decks were flooded.
All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire.
" And it distracted me.
I had to break off from what I was doing and put you out.
I was just cooking, is that a crime? As far as I'm concerned, you're not allowed to cook.
You always get distracted by your reflection in the spatula Man, that is such a cliché.
I can look at myself in a mirror without getting distracted.
Hey! Cat.
Cat.
- Cat! - Wh Wha What? (STUTTERING) Where am I? What's happening? You'll never guess what me and Kryten have found.
We've been going through Human Resources and found Captain Hollister's crew appraisal files.
You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.
Why do you think we're reading them? This is mine.
Check this.
David Lister, although clearly quite bright, is lazy, slovenly, rebellious, unreliable, rude and disorganized.
You hear that? He thought I was quite bright.
How cool is that? - Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.
He'll only read the good parts.
Lister, hand it over.
Okay.
This is you.
"Arnold J Rimmer comes from an outstanding military family, "his three brothers all hold positions of command "and are hugely respected members of the Space Corp.
"Arnold, however has not succeeded to the same blah blah blah, largely due to his blah blah blah blah blah, consequently and rather tragically, "he's found he has never attained "any of the blah blah blahs he's set himself.
"In summary, he will never get blah blah blah in life "while he continues to blame everyone for his own failings.
" Blame people? I don't blame people.
And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.
It's not my fault I never made anything of myself.
What chance did I stand stuck with you lot? How's it our fault? You're supposed to surround yourself with people who are brighter and more successful than you.
You have.
Quite bright.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) I'm trying to get Mr.
Lister to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
Fruit? You've got more chance of getting a vampire to eat garlic bread.
Goodness, have you seen this on the mid-range scan? It's quite terrifying! I've told Lister a hundred times not to use my passport photo as the screen saver.
Front on has never been my best side.
And why he wants to Blu-Tack a piece of doner kebab meat to the screen, to make me look like Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.
Just clean it off.
No, sir, you don't understand, the scanner's picked something up.
What is that? It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe.
I hate people who use the word anomaly, they think they're so cool.
"Oh, look, here's an anomaly, anomalling away.
"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend' because I know what anomaly means.
" It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.
Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe which appears to have caused a giant lesion across the space-time continuum.
Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir? Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'? Lesion, cuts, they're both the same to me, it's the people who say continuum I can't stand.
Whatever it is, sir, it's heading our way.
- Could we out-run it? - (SCOFFS) Sir, Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy with a backpack of uranium who's just scuffed a family fun bucket.
(RUMBLING) What the hell was that? Some crazy quake thing.
You think it's serious? Listen.
Unless the chick with the really calm voice starts talking it ain't serious.
CALM VOICE LADY: Please remain calm.
There is no need for alarm.
It's serious.
Start panicking! CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew please return to their quarters, so we can begin a body count of the survivors.
We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.
We're going up to the science room, find out what the hell's happening! Damn right.
- What just happened? - I don't know.
We were in the corridor heading to the science room.
Let's think about this.
- Make us a coffee, would you? - Hey, I'm a cat, I ain't making you coffee.
Milk and two sugars, right? Cheers, man.
I just made that? When did I just make that? Why did I just make that? What the hell's going on? I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits? I ain't getting you no biscuits.
Biscuits? Weird.
What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay? Running a damage report now, sir.
(BEEPING) And? (FASTER BEEPING) And? (FASTER BEEPING) As Louis the XVI might have said, had he been in the exact same situation: - 'Et?' - According to the computer, I haven't requested a damage report.
- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.
Right, new plan, let's not request a damage report, instead (COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.
Was there some sort of time lag? (GRINDING CONTINUES) We shouldn't tell the others until we get to the bottom of this.
Can Mr.
Lister and Mr.
Cat please make their way to the science room.
How did I get here? I didn't see you move.
I wonder.
Permission to try an anomalous, I mean weird, experiment, sir.
- How weird? - just moderately weird, sir, say a 1989 Michael Jackson.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Make a decision and if my theory is correct, when you've made the decision, the choice you don't make will be the result.
The choice I don't make? I have it.
What would you like me to throw you, sir? This apple or this orange? The apple.
What? That's not possible.
You threw me an apple.
Well, according to the Many Worlds interpretation of reality, every choice not taken results in the formation of a new universe that creates a new timeline and plays out the choice not taken.
But now, due to the lesion, we are getting the results of the choices we haven't made feeding back to us.
That's more than moderately weird, Kryten.
That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) So what do you think is happening? I think I know, but I need to test me theory.
So, test it! Okay, you ready? Ready.
OK then.
Make my breakfast.
I ain't making you breakfast.
(HUMMING) More bacon, bud? I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.
(INAUDIBLE) I'm going to eat this.
I don't get it.
Whatever choice you make, the choice you don't make happens.
We should go tell Kryten and helicopter landing pad head.
Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.
I ain't tidying your bunk! Oh! I get it now.
Oh, do you? - Yeah.
- Well.
Polish my boots.
(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going to not polish your boots.
Damn it! You miscounted your ain't and nots.
So what's the plan? Well, I say, let's not walk down the corridor and not get the lift to the Science Room.
- And not find the others? - Exactly.
My kind of mission, let's do nothing.
(BUZZES) You had a choice to make between the lift and the stairs.
I didn't think and just chose the lift.
So here we are, on the stairs.
Two hundred and twenty nine floors above G deck.
So what are we gonna do now? We just got to decide not to use the lift and continue walking down the stairs.
I think we're getting the hang of this now.
Whoo! (HOOTS) No! (BUZZES) It was instinct! Look, if you want to call a lift, you've got to decide not to call a lift, and then, a lift will be called.
Hey, I'm not a moron.
Which in this reality, makes you a moron.
It's just a question of remembering to do the opposite.
So here's the plan, we're gonna continue to walk down the stairs, we're going to continue not to go to the science room where we won't speak to Kryten and Rimmer and we definitely won't find out what the smegging hell is going on.
(BEEPS) Have you figured out what's hell's happening yet? I believe I have sir.
May I suggest, we don't stay here and we don't discuss - the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.
I don't agree with any of that.
Are You guys nuts? We gotta stay here and figure out what the hell's happening.
ALL: No! You are so not a moron.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) As we all know, every single decision every person rejects, creates a new universe.
Which leads us to believe there is a universe somewhere where every possible thing that could happen, happens.
So somewhere, there's a universe where you get to the point? And, a universe where double denim with crocs is cool? There'll probably even be a universe where I return to my old ship and apply for a new post.
I can just picture their faces, "Oh, but you're just a bog bot, "fit only for cleaning toilets.
" And I say, "just toilets? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? "Is that what you think? "So, how come I can do this?" And I take them all down to their Science Deck and I mop that floor.
It makes you think though, all those decisions you've made in your life, somewhere, a different version of you is living out the opposite of all your decisions.
What a life he must be having, that lucky bastard.
All the women who said "no" to me in this universe, said "yes" to him.
Hmmm.
All two of them.
So, what's caused this lesion? Have we any ideas? Well, I believe it may be a result of an experiment I've been testing.
ALL: You? I've been trying to create a portable device that allows the user to quantum skip to other universes.
So, what's gone wrong? It appears it's worked, but I may have slightly miscalculated the settings and ripped a hole in space time.
So wait a minute, you built a Quantum Skipper on board Red Dwarf? How? Well, not so much built as repaired, it was among the tech we salvaged from the Quantum research station we visited last month.
So, hang on.
Are you saying if we tweak the settings, we can fix the lesion and Quantum skip between universes? - Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that? What's so great about here? It's got me.
I can't leave, I'm the last human being in this universe, I've got responsibilities.
What about you Kryten? I need to stay here and look after Mr.
Lister.
Without me, he'd fall apart quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.
Oh, Kryten give over.
Uh, sir, that power line's live, it's best not to suck it.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (SHOCKS) Cheers, Krytes.
Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper be up and running? Well, I hope to have the lesion closed and the skipper fully functioning in a few hours, sir.
- So, you're going then? - Of course, I am.
It's a chance for a new life, a fresh start.
New people.
Better people.
He should do this.
Who knows, maybe there's another universe out there where he isn't such a giant loser.
Even with an infinite number of universes, that's going to take some finding.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) I'm recalibrating the settings now.
(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu to choose from? Oh, not as such sir, but all the dimensions should, in some way, be closely connected to our own and skipping between realities should be relatively straight forward, although the Quantum skipper does require recharge time between skips.
So, what do I do to quantum skip out of here? Why so long? Come on, tell him! You simply press this button here, sir and you will be transported to a random universe within the multiverse.
Now, is there anything you want to say before you go? Well, as you know, I'm not one for long farewell speeches, but, I have written this.
See ya! (BEEPS) (EXHALES) This is just Red Dwarf.
I thought I was going to quantum skip somewhere good.
Morning, Arnold.
Morning, Holly.
Holly? When is this? Where am I? It's Monday and you're in a corridor.
Anything else I can help you with? Are you still senile? I've never been senile.
I was a dancing cabbage for a while but I'm over that now.
Turned out it was some corrupted files.
So you're sane again? Have you been tested? I 'm a computer that runs the ship.
I 'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.
I'm always being tested.
Can you prove that? Have you got a certificate? Well, no, I failed the tests.
I forgot to turn the paper over.
I didn't realize there were two sides.
- Bradley? - Get back to work, Rimmer.
The crew are alive? - Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew? Yes, Arnold.
Captain Hollister? Nobody's dead, Arnold.
Todhunter? Nobody's dead, Arnold.
Not even Petersen? - Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister? Gordon Bennett, Lister, Petersen, nobody.
Nobody is dead.
Nobody is dead, Arnold.
So hang on, you're telling me nobody's dead? I wish I'd never bought this up now.
How is this any better than where I came from? Where's Lister? Where is that little goit? He's in stasis.
He smuggled an unquarantined animal on board, so got thrown into suspended animation.
So wait.
How did you all survive the radiation leak that wiped out all the crew? There hasn't been a radiation leak, Arnold.
Are you sure? Sorry to break off, Arnold, I've got to make an announcement.
(BUZZING) Radiation leak alert! (SIREN WAILING) Radiation leak alert! All crew should run around screaming.
Oh, my God! It's happening now! According to this wall console, a cadmium two radiation leak, and it's sweeping it's way through the ship.
We've lost the entire port side.
Not just the port, the sherry, the brandy, we've lost the entire bar deck.
(BEEPING) Damn this needs more recharge time.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) - Captain? - Oh, Rimmer.
Man this is embarrassing.
What are you doing? I was trying to go down with the Dwarf do the right thing, when suddenly, I tripped into this escape pod.
Thought I was pressing the "get me out of this damned thing "I want to die nobly with my crew" button, only it turned out to be the "get me home fast" switch.
Now, it's launching.
Just press that emergency open switch, take me with you.
I'd like to invite you along Rimmer, but as you can see, it's only a four seater, so there's only room for me.
But, sir, I thought all good captains went down with their ships.
They do.
Laters.
(BUZZING AND THUDDING) (BEEPING) (BEEPING) Oh, nuts.
(BUZZING) (SIGHING) What reality's this? (BEEPING) Hello? Hello? Oh, it's you.
Ah sir, there you are, we're about to eat.
Kryten, where is this? Where am I? Where's Lister? Are you feeling quite all right, sir? I've just Quantum skipped from another reality, I'm looking for something better than the one I came from.
What's Lister like here? Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working, wonderful man, an absolute delight to be with.
Evening, chaps.
We have a new Mr.
Rimmer, sir, he's Quantum skipped into our universe.
That's a shame, I rather liked the old Rimmer.
Is there something wrong with you? You don't like me.
Of course, I like you, we're space chums.
Are you different from my Lister? A guy who cleans his teeth and pees in the toilet simultaneously even though the basin and the toilet are in different rooms? That's disgusting, I'd never do that.
Oh by the way, Kryten, later on, I need your help.
I want to re-label my collection of vintage wires.
(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection of vintage wires? Actually, I'm quite excited because I've just added a digital coaxial audio and a 25-pin parallel port printer to my not inconsiderable collection.
I'm really loving what I see here.
Mr.
Rimmer, sir, will you be joining myself, Mr.
Lister and Mr.
Rat for dinner? Of course I Mr.
who? (GONG SOUNDING) Yo.
Krytie! Where's my dinner at? What on earth is that? Where's Cat? Who's Cat? You You got put into stasis because, you smuggled your pet cat on board.
No, I got put into stasis 'cause I smuggled my pet Rat on board and then they all evolved into these chaps.
Yeah! But then, they left to find the promised land and had some insane religious war, right? No, they stayed here actually.
Been there, whacked down on G deck.
Yeah! And A deck.
And B Deck.
And C Deck.
Yeah.
In fact, any damn deck we want.
Sometimes, they even sleep with me.
RAT: Mmmm! Yeah.
He's so warm and snuggly! Would you like some cheese sauce on your cheese, sir? Hell, yeah! Well, thanks for the invite, but I think I'll skip dinner.
(CLEARS THROAT) This has got to be better than Rat World, (BUZZES) (MUSIC PLAYING) ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer! Uh, no.
Where am I? What reality is this? Kryten, why can't I move? Kryten! (CLEANS SQUEAKILY) Morning, sir.
(BEEPS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (CHANTING) Om! No.
(GROWLING) No.
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) RIMMER: No.
(ROARING) RIMMER: No.
(SCREECHING) RIMMER: No.
I'm human here.
At least, that's something.
(IN DISTINCT CHATTER) Sir.
Officer Rimmer, sir.
I'm an Officer? I'm an Officer? (BEEPS) Here I am.
"Rimmer.
Navigation officer.
" Yes! "Married.
" Yes! "Children four.
" Are they boys? Yes! I've got everything I ever wanted here.
Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention, the Captain wants to see you in his office.
I'm passing by your quarters, so, I'll let Mrs.
Rimmer know you'll be a couple of minutes late.
- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Rimmer, sir.
You wanted to see me.
I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.
It's one of the reasons I'm so universally respected.
Fancy a cold one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, a shot it is.
What's your poison? Lister, it's lunch time.
I mean, sir, it's lunch time, aren't you on duty? I'm always on duty, Rimmer.
When you're the Captain, there's no down time.
- Cigar? - No, thank you sir.
Burger? Nothing, sir.
I tell ya, having one of these stasis booths installed in my office so day and night I've got a constant supply of hot tasty snacks frozen in time was the best decision I ever made.
Perhaps, I should explain, sir.
I'm not your Rimmer.
I Quantum skipped from another universe.
Is that slang for getting slaughtered? Are you familiar with the multiverse? That strip club on Venus? Okay, I went there once, is that a crime? All right, maybe twice.
Okay, I'm a lifetime member but what happens on Venus, stays on Venus.
My God, how did you ever get to be Captain? I spotted a faulty drive plate, without me, this whole damn crew would have been wiped out.
After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.
Come on.
I'll show you to your quarters.
Here we go Rimmer.
The old bunk room.
Hasn't been used in years.
We're really home.
And I'm alive, not a hologram, but an officer and a gentleman.
Looking forward to getting home meself, actually.
- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski? No, it's short for Crystal.
Met her at the Multi-verse.
She danced on table nine.
So, you're happily married to a stripper, big deal.
And you're the Captain of a beaten up, old mining ship, doing jags up and down the Milky Way every six months.
Why should I be jealous? 'Cause, when I fixed the drive plate, they offered me some cash to keep me schtum So you got a pay off? No, I refused the settlement and opted for shares.
They said yes.
They had no idea we're gonna stumble across a planet rich in Helium 7.
Made a fortune.
I can't live here.
- On Earth? - In this Universe.
I can't live in a reality where you're more successful than me.
You're home, on Earth.
You're alive.
You've got everything you ever wanted.
It's not worth it.
The pain of it would be too much.
(BEEPS) Oh, come on.
One more hand I want to win match sticks back.
Oh, sir, you're back.
(CHUCKLES) Did you find a universe where you felt less of a loser? Deal him in.
Infinite clearly wasn't enough.
How's it going, non bud? I'm busy, don't disturb me.
Last time you disturbed me, I was doing the safety check.
And, I failed to notice that the diesel decks were flooded.
All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire.
" And it distracted me.
I had to break off from what I was doing and put you out.
I was just cooking, is that a crime? As far as I'm concerned, you're not allowed to cook.
You always get distracted by your reflection in the spatula Man, that is such a cliché.
I can look at myself in a mirror without getting distracted.
Hey! Cat.
Cat.
- Cat! - Wh Wha What? (STUTTERING) Where am I? What's happening? You'll never guess what me and Kryten have found.
We've been going through Human Resources and found Captain Hollister's crew appraisal files.
You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.
Why do you think we're reading them? This is mine.
Check this.
David Lister, although clearly quite bright, is lazy, slovenly, rebellious, unreliable, rude and disorganized.
You hear that? He thought I was quite bright.
How cool is that? - Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.
He'll only read the good parts.
Lister, hand it over.
Okay.
This is you.
"Arnold J Rimmer comes from an outstanding military family, "his three brothers all hold positions of command "and are hugely respected members of the Space Corp.
"Arnold, however has not succeeded to the same blah blah blah, largely due to his blah blah blah blah blah, consequently and rather tragically, "he's found he has never attained "any of the blah blah blahs he's set himself.
"In summary, he will never get blah blah blah in life "while he continues to blame everyone for his own failings.
" Blame people? I don't blame people.
And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.
It's not my fault I never made anything of myself.
What chance did I stand stuck with you lot? How's it our fault? You're supposed to surround yourself with people who are brighter and more successful than you.
You have.
Quite bright.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) I'm trying to get Mr.
Lister to adopt a healthier lifestyle.
Fruit? You've got more chance of getting a vampire to eat garlic bread.
Goodness, have you seen this on the mid-range scan? It's quite terrifying! I've told Lister a hundred times not to use my passport photo as the screen saver.
Front on has never been my best side.
And why he wants to Blu-Tack a piece of doner kebab meat to the screen, to make me look like Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.
Just clean it off.
No, sir, you don't understand, the scanner's picked something up.
What is that? It appears that some kind of anomaly has penetrated our universe.
I hate people who use the word anomaly, they think they're so cool.
"Oh, look, here's an anomaly, anomalling away.
"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend' because I know what anomaly means.
" It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.
Sir, something weird has penetrated our universe which appears to have caused a giant lesion across the space-time continuum.
Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir? Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'? Lesion, cuts, they're both the same to me, it's the people who say continuum I can't stand.
Whatever it is, sir, it's heading our way.
- Could we out-run it? - (SCOFFS) Sir, Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy with a backpack of uranium who's just scuffed a family fun bucket.
(RUMBLING) What the hell was that? Some crazy quake thing.
You think it's serious? Listen.
Unless the chick with the really calm voice starts talking it ain't serious.
CALM VOICE LADY: Please remain calm.
There is no need for alarm.
It's serious.
Start panicking! CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew please return to their quarters, so we can begin a body count of the survivors.
We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.
We're going up to the science room, find out what the hell's happening! Damn right.
- What just happened? - I don't know.
We were in the corridor heading to the science room.
Let's think about this.
- Make us a coffee, would you? - Hey, I'm a cat, I ain't making you coffee.
Milk and two sugars, right? Cheers, man.
I just made that? When did I just make that? Why did I just make that? What the hell's going on? I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits? I ain't getting you no biscuits.
Biscuits? Weird.
What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay? Running a damage report now, sir.
(BEEPING) And? (FASTER BEEPING) And? (FASTER BEEPING) As Louis the XVI might have said, had he been in the exact same situation: - 'Et?' - According to the computer, I haven't requested a damage report.
- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.
Right, new plan, let's not request a damage report, instead (COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.
Was there some sort of time lag? (GRINDING CONTINUES) We shouldn't tell the others until we get to the bottom of this.
Can Mr.
Lister and Mr.
Cat please make their way to the science room.
How did I get here? I didn't see you move.
I wonder.
Permission to try an anomalous, I mean weird, experiment, sir.
- How weird? - just moderately weird, sir, say a 1989 Michael Jackson.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Make a decision and if my theory is correct, when you've made the decision, the choice you don't make will be the result.
The choice I don't make? I have it.
What would you like me to throw you, sir? This apple or this orange? The apple.
What? That's not possible.
You threw me an apple.
Well, according to the Many Worlds interpretation of reality, every choice not taken results in the formation of a new universe that creates a new timeline and plays out the choice not taken.
But now, due to the lesion, we are getting the results of the choices we haven't made feeding back to us.
That's more than moderately weird, Kryten.
That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) So what do you think is happening? I think I know, but I need to test me theory.
So, test it! Okay, you ready? Ready.
OK then.
Make my breakfast.
I ain't making you breakfast.
(HUMMING) More bacon, bud? I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.
(INAUDIBLE) I'm going to eat this.
I don't get it.
Whatever choice you make, the choice you don't make happens.
We should go tell Kryten and helicopter landing pad head.
Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.
I ain't tidying your bunk! Oh! I get it now.
Oh, do you? - Yeah.
- Well.
Polish my boots.
(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going to not polish your boots.
Damn it! You miscounted your ain't and nots.
So what's the plan? Well, I say, let's not walk down the corridor and not get the lift to the Science Room.
- And not find the others? - Exactly.
My kind of mission, let's do nothing.
(BUZZES) You had a choice to make between the lift and the stairs.
I didn't think and just chose the lift.
So here we are, on the stairs.
Two hundred and twenty nine floors above G deck.
So what are we gonna do now? We just got to decide not to use the lift and continue walking down the stairs.
I think we're getting the hang of this now.
Whoo! (HOOTS) No! (BUZZES) It was instinct! Look, if you want to call a lift, you've got to decide not to call a lift, and then, a lift will be called.
Hey, I'm not a moron.
Which in this reality, makes you a moron.
It's just a question of remembering to do the opposite.
So here's the plan, we're gonna continue to walk down the stairs, we're going to continue not to go to the science room where we won't speak to Kryten and Rimmer and we definitely won't find out what the smegging hell is going on.
(BEEPS) Have you figured out what's hell's happening yet? I believe I have sir.
May I suggest, we don't stay here and we don't discuss - the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.
I don't agree with any of that.
Are You guys nuts? We gotta stay here and figure out what the hell's happening.
ALL: No! You are so not a moron.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) As we all know, every single decision every person rejects, creates a new universe.
Which leads us to believe there is a universe somewhere where every possible thing that could happen, happens.
So somewhere, there's a universe where you get to the point? And, a universe where double denim with crocs is cool? There'll probably even be a universe where I return to my old ship and apply for a new post.
I can just picture their faces, "Oh, but you're just a bog bot, "fit only for cleaning toilets.
" And I say, "just toilets? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? "Is that what you think? "So, how come I can do this?" And I take them all down to their Science Deck and I mop that floor.
It makes you think though, all those decisions you've made in your life, somewhere, a different version of you is living out the opposite of all your decisions.
What a life he must be having, that lucky bastard.
All the women who said "no" to me in this universe, said "yes" to him.
Hmmm.
All two of them.
So, what's caused this lesion? Have we any ideas? Well, I believe it may be a result of an experiment I've been testing.
ALL: You? I've been trying to create a portable device that allows the user to quantum skip to other universes.
So, what's gone wrong? It appears it's worked, but I may have slightly miscalculated the settings and ripped a hole in space time.
So wait a minute, you built a Quantum Skipper on board Red Dwarf? How? Well, not so much built as repaired, it was among the tech we salvaged from the Quantum research station we visited last month.
So, hang on.
Are you saying if we tweak the settings, we can fix the lesion and Quantum skip between universes? - Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that? What's so great about here? It's got me.
I can't leave, I'm the last human being in this universe, I've got responsibilities.
What about you Kryten? I need to stay here and look after Mr.
Lister.
Without me, he'd fall apart quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.
Oh, Kryten give over.
Uh, sir, that power line's live, it's best not to suck it.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (SHOCKS) Cheers, Krytes.
Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper be up and running? Well, I hope to have the lesion closed and the skipper fully functioning in a few hours, sir.
- So, you're going then? - Of course, I am.
It's a chance for a new life, a fresh start.
New people.
Better people.
He should do this.
Who knows, maybe there's another universe out there where he isn't such a giant loser.
Even with an infinite number of universes, that's going to take some finding.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) I'm recalibrating the settings now.
(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu to choose from? Oh, not as such sir, but all the dimensions should, in some way, be closely connected to our own and skipping between realities should be relatively straight forward, although the Quantum skipper does require recharge time between skips.
So, what do I do to quantum skip out of here? Why so long? Come on, tell him! You simply press this button here, sir and you will be transported to a random universe within the multiverse.
Now, is there anything you want to say before you go? Well, as you know, I'm not one for long farewell speeches, but, I have written this.
See ya! (BEEPS) (EXHALES) This is just Red Dwarf.
I thought I was going to quantum skip somewhere good.
Morning, Arnold.
Morning, Holly.
Holly? When is this? Where am I? It's Monday and you're in a corridor.
Anything else I can help you with? Are you still senile? I've never been senile.
I was a dancing cabbage for a while but I'm over that now.
Turned out it was some corrupted files.
So you're sane again? Have you been tested? I 'm a computer that runs the ship.
I 'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.
I'm always being tested.
Can you prove that? Have you got a certificate? Well, no, I failed the tests.
I forgot to turn the paper over.
I didn't realize there were two sides.
- Bradley? - Get back to work, Rimmer.
The crew are alive? - Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew? Yes, Arnold.
Captain Hollister? Nobody's dead, Arnold.
Todhunter? Nobody's dead, Arnold.
Not even Petersen? - Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister? Gordon Bennett, Lister, Petersen, nobody.
Nobody is dead.
Nobody is dead, Arnold.
So hang on, you're telling me nobody's dead? I wish I'd never bought this up now.
How is this any better than where I came from? Where's Lister? Where is that little goit? He's in stasis.
He smuggled an unquarantined animal on board, so got thrown into suspended animation.
So wait.
How did you all survive the radiation leak that wiped out all the crew? There hasn't been a radiation leak, Arnold.
Are you sure? Sorry to break off, Arnold, I've got to make an announcement.
(BUZZING) Radiation leak alert! (SIREN WAILING) Radiation leak alert! All crew should run around screaming.
Oh, my God! It's happening now! According to this wall console, a cadmium two radiation leak, and it's sweeping it's way through the ship.
We've lost the entire port side.
Not just the port, the sherry, the brandy, we've lost the entire bar deck.
(BEEPING) Damn this needs more recharge time.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING) - Captain? - Oh, Rimmer.
Man this is embarrassing.
What are you doing? I was trying to go down with the Dwarf do the right thing, when suddenly, I tripped into this escape pod.
Thought I was pressing the "get me out of this damned thing "I want to die nobly with my crew" button, only it turned out to be the "get me home fast" switch.
Now, it's launching.
Just press that emergency open switch, take me with you.
I'd like to invite you along Rimmer, but as you can see, it's only a four seater, so there's only room for me.
But, sir, I thought all good captains went down with their ships.
They do.
Laters.
(BUZZING AND THUDDING) (BEEPING) (BEEPING) Oh, nuts.
(BUZZING) (SIGHING) What reality's this? (BEEPING) Hello? Hello? Oh, it's you.
Ah sir, there you are, we're about to eat.
Kryten, where is this? Where am I? Where's Lister? Are you feeling quite all right, sir? I've just Quantum skipped from another reality, I'm looking for something better than the one I came from.
What's Lister like here? Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working, wonderful man, an absolute delight to be with.
Evening, chaps.
We have a new Mr.
Rimmer, sir, he's Quantum skipped into our universe.
That's a shame, I rather liked the old Rimmer.
Is there something wrong with you? You don't like me.
Of course, I like you, we're space chums.
Are you different from my Lister? A guy who cleans his teeth and pees in the toilet simultaneously even though the basin and the toilet are in different rooms? That's disgusting, I'd never do that.
Oh by the way, Kryten, later on, I need your help.
I want to re-label my collection of vintage wires.
(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection of vintage wires? Actually, I'm quite excited because I've just added a digital coaxial audio and a 25-pin parallel port printer to my not inconsiderable collection.
I'm really loving what I see here.
Mr.
Rimmer, sir, will you be joining myself, Mr.
Lister and Mr.
Rat for dinner? Of course I Mr.
who? (GONG SOUNDING) Yo.
Krytie! Where's my dinner at? What on earth is that? Where's Cat? Who's Cat? You You got put into stasis because, you smuggled your pet cat on board.
No, I got put into stasis 'cause I smuggled my pet Rat on board and then they all evolved into these chaps.
Yeah! But then, they left to find the promised land and had some insane religious war, right? No, they stayed here actually.
Been there, whacked down on G deck.
Yeah! And A deck.
And B Deck.
And C Deck.
Yeah.
In fact, any damn deck we want.
Sometimes, they even sleep with me.
RAT: Mmmm! Yeah.
He's so warm and snuggly! Would you like some cheese sauce on your cheese, sir? Hell, yeah! Well, thanks for the invite, but I think I'll skip dinner.
(CLEARS THROAT) This has got to be better than Rat World, (BUZZES) (MUSIC PLAYING) ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer! Uh, no.
Where am I? What reality is this? Kryten, why can't I move? Kryten! (CLEANS SQUEAKILY) Morning, sir.
(BEEPS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (CHANTING) Om! No.
(GROWLING) No.
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) RIMMER: No.
(ROARING) RIMMER: No.
(SCREECHING) RIMMER: No.
I'm human here.
At least, that's something.
(IN DISTINCT CHATTER) Sir.
Officer Rimmer, sir.
I'm an Officer? I'm an Officer? (BEEPS) Here I am.
"Rimmer.
Navigation officer.
" Yes! "Married.
" Yes! "Children four.
" Are they boys? Yes! I've got everything I ever wanted here.
Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention, the Captain wants to see you in his office.
I'm passing by your quarters, so, I'll let Mrs.
Rimmer know you'll be a couple of minutes late.
- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Rimmer, sir.
You wanted to see me.
I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.
It's one of the reasons I'm so universally respected.
Fancy a cold one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, a shot it is.
What's your poison? Lister, it's lunch time.
I mean, sir, it's lunch time, aren't you on duty? I'm always on duty, Rimmer.
When you're the Captain, there's no down time.
- Cigar? - No, thank you sir.
Burger? Nothing, sir.
I tell ya, having one of these stasis booths installed in my office so day and night I've got a constant supply of hot tasty snacks frozen in time was the best decision I ever made.
Perhaps, I should explain, sir.
I'm not your Rimmer.
I Quantum skipped from another universe.
Is that slang for getting slaughtered? Are you familiar with the multiverse? That strip club on Venus? Okay, I went there once, is that a crime? All right, maybe twice.
Okay, I'm a lifetime member but what happens on Venus, stays on Venus.
My God, how did you ever get to be Captain? I spotted a faulty drive plate, without me, this whole damn crew would have been wiped out.
After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.
Come on.
I'll show you to your quarters.
Here we go Rimmer.
The old bunk room.
Hasn't been used in years.
We're really home.
And I'm alive, not a hologram, but an officer and a gentleman.
Looking forward to getting home meself, actually.
- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski? No, it's short for Crystal.
Met her at the Multi-verse.
She danced on table nine.
So, you're happily married to a stripper, big deal.
And you're the Captain of a beaten up, old mining ship, doing jags up and down the Milky Way every six months.
Why should I be jealous? 'Cause, when I fixed the drive plate, they offered me some cash to keep me schtum So you got a pay off? No, I refused the settlement and opted for shares.
They said yes.
They had no idea we're gonna stumble across a planet rich in Helium 7.
Made a fortune.
I can't live here.
- On Earth? - In this Universe.
I can't live in a reality where you're more successful than me.
You're home, on Earth.
You're alive.
You've got everything you ever wanted.
It's not worth it.
The pain of it would be too much.
(BEEPS) Oh, come on.
One more hand I want to win match sticks back.
Oh, sir, you're back.
(CHUCKLES) Did you find a universe where you felt less of a loser? Deal him in.
Infinite clearly wasn't enough.