Red Oaks (2014) s03e04 Episode Script


1 Goodness gracious Great balls of fire Kiss me, baby Whoo It feels good What are you doing? Partying the pounds off.
Come on.
Join me.
So fine No, thanks.
You seen my cigarettes anywhere? I threw 'em out.
Mine, mine, mine I cut my nails and I twiddle my thumbs - Why? - Because you're my best friend, and I don't want you getting cancer.
Now, come on, get in on this.
Do something healthy for your lungs for once.
Great balls of fire SIMMONS: Go! No.
Dude, no one is gonna see you.
- Forget it.
- It'll cheer you up.
- I don't need cheering up.
- Then it'll cheer me up.
Come on, man.
I need the moral support.
All those years of dating Karen, you must have picked up a few moves.
You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain Too much lovin' - Drives a man insane - SIMMONS: Other side! You broke my will Oh, what a thrill Goodness gracious, great balls of fire [MUSIC FADES] [SHIRLEY INHALES DEEPLY] [MOANING SOFTLY] [CHUCKLES] Good morning.
How'd you sleep? Like a fossilized log.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Which is unusual.
You know, first time in a strange bed.
I mean, you know, not that there's anything strange about the bed, or that, you know, that I've been with some strange women.
I'm just, you know, I usually don't s I know what you meant.
[CHUCKLES] [SHIRLEY SIGHS DEEPLY] Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Was last night, um was it okay? I mean, you know, was it fun, did you have a good time? Yes, Sam.
Oh, well that's enough lollygagging.
I know we both have places to be, so you Ladies first.
No way.
- I insist.
- Mm-mm.
No, I am not parading around my middle-aged buns for your amusement.
- Well, last night - It was dark.
You first.
Well, then I guess we're both just gonna have to spend the whole day in this bed.
I guess we are.
In fact - What are you doing? - [PHONE DIALING] [LAUGHS]: I'm calling in sick.
[LAUGHS] JEWELER: Can I show you something? Hmm.
How about that big blue one right there? You have good taste.
It's inspired by Lady Diana's engagement ring.
Um - how much is it? - $3,995.
Okay, um what about that one right there? That's a princess cut diamond in a setting of 18-karat gold.
- How much? - $2,700.
Wow! Okay.
Um, hmm.
[SMACKS LIPS] What about, uh, that one right there? $800.
Seriously? That's not bad.
Because it's cubic zirconia.
Misty deserves a real diamond.
I'll be back.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE] GETTY [ON VIDEO]: Red Oaks is more than just a club.
Like America, it's a shining city on a hill.
It's a beacon, a symbol of community, fellowship, freedom, where people from all walks come together to serve and celebrate the good life.
I ask you: how can you put a price on the place where your kids learned to swim, where you watched fireworks every Fourth of July, celebrated your son's bar mitzvah, danced at your daughter's wedding, where you renewed your own wedding vows? Hmm? The answer is you can't put a price on such a place.
And so I'm asking you don't.
[SPUTTERS SOFTLY] So, what do you think? I'm moved.
Camera adds a little bit of weight, doesn't it? - [WHISPERS]: No.
- No? All right, well, listen, I got to admit, you got, uh you got talent, kid.
- Yeah, tell that to my boss.
- [NASH SNIFFLES] The hell's the matter with you? I'm fine.
-So how you gonna get the members to watch it? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
Think you can sweet-talk your ex? - Oh, I very much doubt it.
- Oh.
You'll have to find someone else who's got some pull at the club.
This one outlines the terms of our agreement.
The next one releases you from all financial obligation to the child.
[SIGHS]: Gotcha.
And the last waives all your parental rights.
[SIGHS] Okeydokey.
Guess that's it.
Huzzah! [CHUCKLES] This calls for a celebration.
Where's that good sherry we've been saving? Credenza.
So, uh [QUIETLY]: when do we do it? I've been taking my temperature around the clock, and according to the charts, I'm due to ovulate in the next 24 hours.
- I think.
- That's-that's soon.
To a very fruitful partnership.
[EXHALES] DIRECTOR: How we looking over here? I want to start I want to start over here on a 50.
Let's keep it, let's keep it pretty wide.
I want it to be able to breathe, okay? We're about ready.
Give me, uh give me five, okay? - Hey.
- Hey.
You okay? Fine.
Why? I don't know, you seem kind of quiet today.
DIRECTOR: Look at your lady.
Like you love her, like you love her.
ANNABELLE: I got into a fight - with my folks on the phone last night.
- What about? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You name it.
Basically, all of my life choices so far.
"Living in sin" with Noah.
I'm working as a wardrobe P.
instead of a kindergarten teacher like my sister.
I didn't know you had a sister.
Older or younger? Neither.
We're twins.
Identical? We don't look anything alike, either.
She's really pretty.
Oh, yeah, you're a real gargoyle.
Compared to her she's a former Junior Miss Nebraska.
She single? I'm serious.
I'm not sure New York is working out for me.
I mean, I bet I could get a pretty sweet apartment in Omaha.
- That you could.
- I could marry your sister, get a job running the A/V club at your old high school, maybe take up storm chasing.
Wow, you really are desperate for a girlfriend, - aren't you? - Actually, I'm not, no.
It's too much work, and I need to just focus on getting my own shit together.
Relationships are hard.
Well, anyway, you're not allowed to move to Omaha and become an A/V teacher because, for one thing, then I would have no one to talk to at work.
And because you're gonna be a big-time movie director.
I'm beginning to wonder if that's still in the cards.
Don't let Derek bum you out.
He's a creep.
It's not just Derek.
DAVID: Want to know the truth? - One more time, please.
- It's guys like him.
He's only a couple of years older than me, but look at him.
DIRECTOR: More French.
More French.
He's got total confidence in himself.
Like he's never experienced an instant of self-doubt in his entire life.
Plant here.
You go one, two, three.
Well, maybe you need to get yourself some confidence.
Yeah, I'll get working on that.
Are you drunk, man? Let's get some more wind here.
Come on.
MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: This is really delicious.
Hontou ni oishii desu yo.
Hontoe ni oheeshee des yo.
Hontoe ni MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: I love Japan.
- All right.
Go ahead.
- Nihon daisuki.
- Nihon daiskee.
Nihon Nihon daiskee.
MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: I've never seen - a place so beautiful before.
- All right.
- Konna ni kireina - Kohnah ni - tokoro wa - Kohnah ni keeray - hajimete mita.
- Kohnah ni keeray What? - What? - [TAPE REWINDS] MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: Konna ni kireina - tokoro wa - Konah ni Konah ni keeray - hajimete mita.
- na to-ko wa hahjee hahjeemehteh.
Hah-hahjeemehteh? MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: I think of you - Hahjeemehteh.
- as more than a friend.
- All right.
MAN: Watashi wa, tomodachi - anata no koto - Watashi wa, tomoshi - Tomo Yes, okay.
All right.
- [TAPE REWINDS] MAN [OVER WALKMAN]: tomodachi - anata no koto - Tomo To Shit.
I Fuck! Heatstroke.
Douglas Getty.
He's right there.
- Douglas.
- Thank you for coming.
I really appreciate it.
I hope you weren't expecting - a conjugal visit.
- [CHUCKLES] Don't worry about that.
That's, uh, that's not why I called you here.
Listen I need a favor.
You want me to return a movie to the video store? [SIGHS] It's not a movie.
This is a message from me to the members of Red Oaks.
What kind of message? Don't sell.
Oy vey.
Why me? 'Cause you're on the board.
You can make sure people see it.
Not many minds are gonna change.
Including mine.
What are you talking about? I don't get it.
Herb, you? I thought you loved Red Oaks.
- Yeah, I loved all my ex-wives, too.
- [SIGHS] But there comes a time when a man has to look for greener pastures.
In Boca.
Weren't a lot of greener pastures down there last time I checked.
Mainly alligators.
I can't stand the cold.
Jews are a desert people.
We were not meant to shovel snow.
And change is not such a terrible thing.
Herb, you're killing me.
I listen, I have given a lot of years to that club, and I think I deserve to be heard.
Give me the goddamn tape.
Thank you.
[SLURPS OYSTER] [WHEELER SIGHS] [WHEELER SLURPS] Why are you eating oysters? Had a hankering.
Is that even safe? Why wouldn't it be? 'Cause it's August and a thousand degrees in here.
Dude, New Yorkers have been enjoying oysters in the summertime for years.
Before the Nazis invented hot dogs, every street corner in the city had an oyster cart.
- Okay.
- Want one? No, thanks.
I'm meeting my dad for dinner.
What's Big Sam doing in the city? He and his girlfriend are seeing Cats.
Know what's funny? Your dad has a girlfriend and you don't.
Yeah, that's hilarious.
[CHUCKLES] - What is this? - Nothing.
Why are you icing your balls? I just felt like it.
What the fuck is going on, dude? [SIGHS] Jockey underpants cause your sack to overheat and cook your sperm.
And oysters have a ton of zinc, which boosts your sperm count and makes them swim faster.
Are you trying to knock Misty up? No! Jesus Christ.
God forbid.
I mean, someday, for sure, it'd be awesome to have, like, six or seven kids with her, but - there's no rush.
- Then why are you trying to level-up your nuts? Because I want to knock up my lit professor.
It's not what you think.
There's zero intercourse.
All I have to do is jizz in a cup.
And why exactly are you doing this? Because her husband is shooting blanks, and I feel sorry for them.
Also, they're paying me 150 bucks a squirt, with a big bonus when she gets a you know.
Bun in the Easy-Bake.
- And Misty's okay with this? - No.
She doesn't know.
I feel bad, but I figure I'm doing this for her, so Wait, how is impregnating your professor doing something for Misty? Because I'm gonna use the money to buy her an engagement ring.
What the hell? You just said you weren't in any rush.
To have kids, no.
But I got to do something to take things to the next level, or I could lose her.
It's about Dr.
Ron, isn't it? You didn't see this guy.
He looks like when he's not fixing teeth, he's fighting crime.
Wheeler, you've done some stupid shit, but this is, like, Olympic-caliber stupidity.
You don't know what it's like, man.
You've always had hot girlfriends.
Present moment excepted.
Guys like me, we don't usually get girls like Misty, and we definitely don't hold onto them - without stepping up our game.
- This isn't stepping up.
This is acting desperate, and you're gonna fuck things up.
Yeah, well, at least I'm doing something and not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
What's that supposed to mean? Forget it.
No, go ahead.
Say it.
[EXHALES] Ever since that dickweed Derek shit on your reel, you've been moping around like a dog that just got his nuts cut off.
- What do you expect me to do? - Get angry.
Do something! Oh, I'm getting angry, all right.
You know, I hope you get your bonus, because it'd be nice if you paid your part of the fucking rent.
[BOTTLE CAP RATTLES] [DOOR OPENS, SLAMS] [SIGHS] SAM: An elephant with so many arms.
Wonder if they pray to him or they just toss him peanuts? - Sam, hush.
- [CHUCKLING]: I'm just teasing.
I think that God has a sense of humor.
Well, theirs might not.
Well, the way I see it there's only one Guy Upstairs.
To the Hindus, He looks like Dumbo.
To the Baptists, He looks like Kenny Loggins.
And to the Jews to the Jews, He looks like Leonard Bernstein.
- [CHUCKLES] - But at the end of the day, I think all the prayers go to one postal address.
You are an unusual man, Sam Meyers.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] SAM: Oh, here he is.
- How are you? - Good.
- I'm David.
- So nice to finally meet you.
-David, do me a favor.
Order for us.
- We've never had Indian before.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, sure.
Let me, uh SAM: David's always been a very adventurous eater.
He'll put anything in his mouth, even as a baby.
Put in crayons, bugs.
One time, right, even put in dog dirt.
-Sam, don't you go embarrassing him.
It's my job.
I have to.
[CHUCKLES] Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm gonna go sneak off to the ladies'.
You okay? Fine.
Wheeler and I got in a fight.
So, what do you think? Uh, we should probably start with the samosas.
No, no, no, about Shirley.
Oh, yeah.
Really nice.
SAM: Yeah.
Hey, you don't mind that she's, uh [WHISPERS]: Well, you're not upset that, you know, she's black? Why would I be upset? I knew that you wouldn't be.
It's just I didn't want to spring this on you without warning.
I don't need warning.
I know.
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY] E-Excuse me, Rebecca.
- May I have a word, please? - [CHUCKLES] We were just about to go in to dinner.
It will only take a moment.
You go on ahead.
I'll-I'll catch up.
What is it? Have the Japanese made their offer yet? Yes.
Shimada and his partners have made a rather generous one.
So what happens now? Well the board brings it to membership for a vote in the next few weeks.
I wonder if I could ask you a favor.
Would you put in a good word on my behalf? I know that ordinarily they would be inclined to replace me with a teaching pro of their own, but perhaps with your recommendation, they might see fit to keep me on.
Oh, Nasser, I I thought you knew.
You thought I knew what? Mr.
Shimada and his partners aren't interested in taking over the management of Red Oaks.
They intend to close down the club.
I beg your pardon? It's not the club they want, it's the land for a housing development.
I see.
Well, it would appear that all my Japanese language lessons were for naught.
I'm sorry.
Would you excuse me, please? I need to go update my résumé.
Thank you.
Well, we better shake a leg if we're gonna make it to the theater.
Well, good night, David.
It was such a pleasure.
- Yeah, I hope I see you again soon.
- Mmhmm.
SAM: You going back to the apartment? - Thought I might take a walk.
- Okay, well, you have fun.
- Say hey to Wheeler.
- I will.
[SIGHS] CECIL: Come in, come in.
Now, Bee's just in the bedroom checking her temperature.
Now, can I get you anything? No, I'm okay, thank you.
FOX: Dear, brave Wheeler.
Hi, Professor.
-I think given the circumstances, that you should call me Beryl.
Are you ready? [SIGHS HEAVILY] I think so.
- Where do I? - The powder room is down the hall.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Memory All alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember The time I knew What happiness was I thought it was great I mean, the music and the costumes but I thought it was a little unrealistic.
Because my cat Gracie, I've never heard her sing.
[LAUGHS] Well, maybe she just waits until you leave.
What? I Hey! Stop! - He - Hey! Hey! Oh Son of a bitch.
[PANTING] [GRUNTS] Damn it! [PANTING] [EXHALES] Come on, dude, you can do this.
Just focus.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Yes? CECIL: Everything okay in there, old man? Fine.
Sorry I'm taking so long.
No apology necessary.
No rush.
Take your time.
I brought you something that might help.
What is this? 18th century erotic French poetry.
- Okay.
- You do read French, don't you? - No.
- Oh.
You have any fashion magazines or a Victoria's Secret catalog? Afraid not.
Oh! But I do have a delightful book of pornographic mosaics from Pompeii and Herculaneum.
I'll just fetch it.
WHEELER: Sorry, we're not in, but leave a message and we'll get back to you at some future juncture.
[LINE BEEPS] - [COIN DROPS] - Did you get them? Just the machine.
Well, wh-what do we do now? Catch a cab, hope they take credit cards.
But-but how will I get into my house? My-my keys were in my purse.
Anyone you know have a spare? Yes.
My brother.
[GASPS] Success? Well done! [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
SAM: It was the damnedest thing, Terr.
He came out of nowhere, like a ninja or something.
You know, I tried to chase him, but h-he was just too fast.
- Get in the car.
- I'm telling you, this city's going to the dogs and I blame Koch.
- He's too soft on crime.
- Shut up.
- Oh, come on, Terry.
- Just get in the back.
Listen, Terry I'm sorry that you had to find out about us this way.
We were gonna tell you earlier, honest.
It's just we were waiting for the right time.
Right time? There is no right time.
- What does that mean? - That's my sister.
My baby sister! I'm 48-years-old.
She's vulnerable; she just got divorced.
Oh, please like, three years ago.
Didn't I say get in the car? Fine.
[DOOR OPENS] Thank you.
You took advantage of her, and you know it.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have been sneaking around.
Come on, Terry.
Don't "Terry" me, motherfucker.
You're a racist.
You son of a [SCOFFS] You got five seconds to get in this goddamn car, or you can walk.
Excuse me, um, this is strange.
A friend of mine used to work here.
I don't know if she still does.
- Uhuh - her name's Skye.
Under a blue moon I saw you So soon you'll take me Up in your arms, too late to beg you Or cancel it though I know it must be The killing time Unwillingly mine Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him In starlit nights I saw you So cruelly you kissed me Your lips a magic world Your sky all hung with jewels The killing moon Will come too soon.