Reginald the Vampire (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

The Pompatus of Love

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
I can fix this, Reggie.
I'm a motherfucking vampire.
Being a fat vampire,
that's gonna cause some problems
within the vampire community.
Reginald will die. I'll make sure of it.
This is perfect. Literal perfection.
I like you too, Reginald.
Drink what you need. Make
them forget you drank.
Just glam yourself some dinner.
Listen to me.
You will take part in
the Vampiric Ability
and Potential Assessment,
henceforth known as The Assessment.
Appreciate the save.
You have amazing reflexes.
How long have you been able to do that?
Sort of been coming on for a while.
I am Logan.
Did you honestly think
that you could kill me
I claim deaconship
of the Council of the
Americas henceforth.
I'll just need time.
Say I have a chance,
and I'll wait forever.
You're angels.
You're emissaries of the Golden Divine.
We are here to eradicate a
grievous mistake we made.
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Oh, sorry, your card is declined.
Maybe some delicious
snacks from our snack racks?
Corn-based products
guaranteed to suit every taste.
Oh, hey.
How about a slushy on the house?
The card denied.
Build you up and then
they shut you down.
But we can't let a Pineapple Surprise
go to waste, now, can we?
- Mm-mm.
- It's his favorite.
Christopher Columbus, genocidal bad guy
with his own federal holiday
Uh, his crew named it a pineapple
because they thought that
it looked like a pine cone.
True story.
It's for consumption?
- Try it.
- You'll like it.
It's my favorite.

This is perfection.
BOTH: Another satisfied customer.
- Oh.
- Oh.


You're probably wondering
how I spent the night.
Uh, I'm gonna go with reading.
Oh, yes.
Reading, processing,
filling my head with
exactly what we need.
Founder of Western
philosophy, so big props.
Cicero. Politician to the max.
So cool, they cut off his head.
And, of course, Machiavelli,
father of modern political philosophy
and all-around Sneaky Pete.
"Ten Steps To Build A Love
That Lasts," Brent T. Jason.
Oh, that's a different
project altogether.
I'd much rather not talk about this now.
Well, what exactly is it we need
that filled your head?
It's been almost a month
since my assessment.
Don't you think it's
about time, as deacon,
for you to sit on your throne?
I'm not a throne guy.
What I'm saying is, what
have you been avoiding?
It's time for your
first Council meeting.
All this research, it's
the ammunition we need
to get to where we're going
a better day for the vampire species,
just like we planned.
It's still a big ask.
Maurice, you took the
throne when you killed Logan.
Whether you sit on it or not,
you can't ignore the power you took.
Reggie, my goal was
to help save your life.
Okay? And I did that.
But I don't want to live my life like
like Logan the dust bunny,
full of ceremonial robes and funny hats.
That's why I'll be there with you.
Hand to the throne.
Again, understanding you don't
actually want to sit on it.
We can still do great things.
But we're outsiders.
And from what I hear,
there is growing chaos
within the vampire community,
that the vain, shallow
assholes need their deacon.
And also, there's a smaller subset
of rogue vampires,
bloodsucking politicians,
who want what you've won.
Then let 'em take it.
That's not an option, in my opinion,
and I'm pretty sure Machiavelli
would back me up on that.
[DOOR CLICKS] But yeah, text me later.

- Hey.
- Hey.
How have you been?
Since yesterday?
I mean, outside of the work environment,
like at home, in your room.
I was wondering, for example, uh,
if you've been doing
any thinking about things
that you could be thinking about.
The important thing about this time
the time that we gave to each other
and the time apart
the important thing about that is
that it lets me look at the world
and where I want to be in it.
On that note, vampire
travel is pretty difficult.
The whole shipboard coffin
thing isn't really an option.
But a carefully selected
series of night flights
can get you to your destination,
if you're traveling east.
Wait, did you mean that
in a metaphorical sense,
or did you really book a trip?
I ran away from a church
that worshipped angels
and ended up in the
middle of a vampire war.
I totally get it. That's on me.
I apologize.
I want to live on the beach.
I want to learn how to surf.
I want to do something
other than pour slushies
for thirsty customers.
Maybe I'll adopt a senior dog.
When Todd gets back from
his entrepreneurial seminar
in Topeka, I'm giving my notice.
Two weeks.
Major life decision.
That's fun.
No, I won't do that ♪
She's clearly moving
in the wrong direction.
And how am I supposed
to live on the beach?
Sunshine equals death.
And some days, it don't come easy ♪
I suck at the friend zone.
And some days, it don't come hard ♪
Some days, it don't come at all ♪
And these are the
days that never end ♪
And some nights, you breathing fire ♪
And some nights,
you're carved in ice ♪
I need a plan.
Better still, one big gesture.
One so big, it'll show
her what she means to me
and what I mean to her, and
if those things are true,
how can we do anything in this world
unless it's together?
That is so cool.
As long as the stars are burning ♪
Listen to me. [VOICE ECHOES]
It's time for you to go.
You delivered the pizza,
I gave you an awesome tip,
and you walked away.
Oh, the bug bites on your arm will heal,
but maybe put some Band-Aids on them.
- No, I won't do that ♪
I would do anything for love ♪
Anything you've been dreaming of ♪
But I just won't do that ♪
One big gesture.
Anything you've been dreaming of ♪
But I just won't do that ♪

Reginald. I've been waiting for you.
Uh, where am I?
It's complicated.
Who are you?
It's complicated.
So it's complicated.
I think I'm going to like you.
Why am I here?
And please don't say it's complicated.
You are here to beg for your life,
Okay, focus.
Feel the power.
[SIGHS] Not a damn thing.
What's the use of having a superpower
if I can't control it?
And where'd it come from, anyway?
You can't be Spider-Man
without a radioactive spider.
[EXHALES] No idea.
Oh, does your mom have any
powers that you know about?
My mom spent most of
the last month in bed.
[SIGHS] Okay, patience, all right?
We'll get there. We just need some time.
Yeah, you're optimistic.
I'm an optimist by nature and necessity.
Hope is a choice.
What's up, big guy? I can tell.
Do you really have to ask?
You and Sarah are on a time-out.
It doesn't have to be
the end of the world.
It's barely been a month.
Yeah, sure, unless Sarah uses that month
to charge into an
uncertain future without me.
But not to worry, I have a plan.
I'm worried.
One big gesture,
one so big that she can't ignore it.
Or maybe you could tell her
how you're feeling like a normal person.
When does that ever work for anyone?
Ugh, watch where you point those things.
[GASPS] No way.
- You killed my toaster.
- Sorry.
Oh, hey, Angela. Nice to see you.
- Hmm.
- Why are you here?
Mm, 'cause the Council, in
its infinite lack of wisdom,
took away my mansion
due to, and I quote,
"a new focus on fiscal responsibility"
and just kicked me to the curb.
Huh, well, you know, I could
glamour you to forget your troubles.
Yeah, Reginald can
glamour other vampires
like no other vampire can. He's special.
Don't you even think about it.
I thought you and Maurice
killed the Council.
We killed Logan. Most
of the Council survived
- like cockroaches over there.
- Um, hi.
Can we get back to my housing crisis?
- Thank you.
- Why don't you just
glamour yourself a penthouse, okay?
- What is the big deal?
I can't glamour myself a penthouse
because the Council issued me
a temporary restraining order,
forbidding any supernatural advancements
as my punishment for
oh, and you're gonna love this
'cause it has to do with you
my part in the death
of the previous deacon.
I mean, how is that fair?
And what is Maurice gonna do about it?
Maurice isn't exactly committed
to the deacon thing yet.
That's my spawn, a man of principle.
Don't worry. I'm gonna
get him there, okay?
He just needs a little push.
All right? You good? Great.
Now get the fuck out of my apartment.
This last month has been
the best month of my life.
Mine too. [GIGGLES]
Except for the week I was in
Paris with Josephine Baker,
but that's a secret for another time.
I think I would like
to hear that secret.
You will, but there's a "but" coming,
so you might as well get to it.
You're a vampire, and I'm a human.
- Understood.
- I have a list,
but it's probably easier
if I get it out all in one.
You're a vampire, and I'm a human.
You'll live forever, and I won't.
I serve slushies at the Slushy Shack,
and you're a hired
assassin who murders people.
You're a free spirit,
and I'm a prisoner to my own obsessions.
You're a night person,
and I love the sun.
But the headline should probably be
I'm a slushy jockey,
and you're a hired
assassin who murders people.
You know what I feel when I see you?

You're like sunshine to me,
sunshine I thought I'd never feel again.
Your list is a good list,
but it sounds like a window dressing,
except for the part that's glass.
I'm a killer-diller.
From this moment on,
I'm out of the game.
An ex-assassin, a former killer,
a vampire with peaceful
intentions at play
in a wide world and nothing more.
Just like that?
Love makes everything just like that,
if you're really in love.


Where have you been?
Everywhere I go, I find
objects that astonish me.
It's a comb.
We had a mission:
Kill the vampire called Reginald
whose very existence
threatens the Great Reckoning,
find Balestro's offspring
before the end of days,
and you failed at the first.
We have not attempted the second.
You have been to this realm before.
I have not.
Everything is strange
and wonderful to me.
Life among the living.
I intend to stay here and prosper
- for as long as I can.
- Hear me.
The living, these mortals,
possess a corrupting nature.
If you stay here, you will not prosper.
You will lose your soul.
This is a profane enchantment.
You are prisoner to that elixir.

She feeds it to you.
Thanks, have a good one.

You are my brother.
I will save you from inequity.
You have my word.
Oh, Balestro,
my brother has lost his way.
He has fallen for earthly pleasures.
He is captive
to a drink called "slushy."
I must save him from temptation.
I must stop those who seduce him
with this pagan elixir.
I must stop her.
Please give me the strength
to do what must be done.


Please tell me you're
not trying to carve
your name in my body.
It heals right up.

I want my mansion back,
and that seems like something
the new deacon ought to do for me.
You talked to Reginald?
How can you just walk away
from all that power, huh?
Would you take it?
In a heartbeat.
Well, I can't give it to
you, no matter what I do.
Because there's a difference
between power and justice.
Or did you forget?
One does come easier
when the other is in hand.
[SCOFFS] But mostly, you
just want your mansion.
I want everything.
- Yes, you do.
Ah, yes, you do.
"Thinkin Bout You."
Song title.
I know. Frank Ocean.
"Go Big or Go Home."
- YG and Big Sean?
- Yup.
"Go big or go home."
You give me great gifts.
I will keep you safe from
harm, ever and always.
I heard
there's a hero who patrols
the streets of Akron at night,
protecting the innocent.
He's definitely something.
I really wish I had his
coat. It's sleek, stylish.
The Keanu vibes is strong with this one.


Mom, guess what.
Holy shitballs.
- Room service?
- We have a puppy?
- Oh, him?
Yes, him. When did this happen?
Would you believe me if I said just now?
No, but it doesn't matter
because we have a puppy now.
- Hi.
- Oh, careful.
He's a little squirmy.
Oh, he's adorable.
Yes, he is.
My name is Nikki ♪
Their name is Ashley ♪
Their voice is like an angel ♪
Every word they say just melts me ♪
Why are you following me?
I need your help.
You know us?

But you're the first
one I ever met up close.
I want you to kill another, up close.
That sounds fun.
Uh, but you must have me
confused with somebody else.
I know who you are and what you do.
If you knew me, you'd
know that I made a promise
to give up that life.
I keep my promises.
No more killer-diller.
She will die if Raphael lives.
- Sarah gives me slushies.
- I heard about you.
You're the new guy at the shop.
I am an angel, and I need your help.
Why does this Raphael
want to kill Sarah?
- Sarah gives me slushies.
- Okay.
Why don't you kill him yourself?
I cannot kill another of my kind.
It is forbidden. It would be known.
I've never killed an angel before.
Uh, besides, with recent
cost of living increases
and subsequent price point adjustments,
I'm not sure you can
afford what it would cost
to kill an angel.
Take my sword. Use it as you see fit.
Maybe just this once.
- Again?
- Again.
The iconography in this
dream is a little on the nose.
Attire appropriate to the moment.
This is where I beg for my life?
This is when I explain why you must beg.
Okay. I'm all ears.
You are not a man. You are a monster.
Blood and only blood nourishes you,
blood taken from the
innocent like lambs.
You inhabit the night
because you dare not
expose your sins to the sun.
You make that sound like
it's such a bad thing.
You are a parasite.
You contribute nothing
to the earthly realm
other than your hunger.
There's no future in you
despite the eternity of your years.
You are a mistake that
requires correction.
Sequels are never as
good as the original.

You really like your slushies, huh?
It's my magic potion.
- One a day.
I'm glad you brought me here.
I'm sorry I never managed to
It's okay.
I feel like I've been in bed
for a year, but I'm better.
I need to get back to the world.
Yeah, well, the world is a
strange and wonderful place.
I used to worry about that,
how you would navigate
the strange and wonderful.
But sitting here now, eh,
I'm not so worried anymore.
Yeah, well, navigation
is usually the mom's job,
I mean, until I age up.
Yes, it is.
Tell me.
Tell you what?
Tell me all about the strange
and wonderful in your world.
I can do that.
Sure, why not?
And Mom, if you're looking for strange,
trust me, I've got
extra-special strange
Top of the morning, me pretties.
Top of the what now?
I think you've got the wrong table.
Ooh! And what are we up to?
Mother-daughter time.
Ah, nothing like it.
There is no love like
the love of a mother.
Have you guys met?
Well, I don't want to
overstay my welcome.
Yeah, well, we didn't
actually welcome you, did we?
It was a pleasure to spend
even a small amount of time with you.
Have a perfect day.
That was weird, right?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, very weird.
I feel like Snow White.
You saw her, right?
Like a witch out of a fairy tale?
There's something about that
old lady that wasn't right.
Can we table discussion
of the fairy-tale witch
in order to do what we're
supposed to be doing?
"Focus. Fuel the power."
"What's the point of having a superpower
if I can't control it?"
- Shut up.
Uh, not to be that guy,
uh, but it seems like
your focus is subpar.
What's up?
It's my mom.
She seems really cool.
Yeah, she's the coolest,
but I worry about her.
- Why?
- In her room at night,
something visits.
I don't know. Nikki smelled sulfur.
Whoa, why didn't you
tell me about this before?
Sort of a secret.
Anyway, you said Nikki
would look after me.
Uh, well, yeah, that was when
I was condemned to a certain death.
But, hey, surprise. I didn't die.
Besides, we don't
have secrets between us
because we're basically
family, or unless you forgot.
Right, sorry.
What was Nikki gonna do about it?
Nikki was gonna turn me into a vampire
so that we could fight
whatever it is that comes at night,
but then you broke up with
her and things got messy.
That's one word for it. [SCOFFS]
But you don't need to turn
into a vampire to fight,
not when you have
Lightning in my fingers.
Exactly. Okay? So focus.
You got this. Focus.
Feel the power.
Holy shitballs!
- Language.

The thing about an RV is the freedom.
All the open road, all the possibility.
Is it too late to warn you
I'll rip your hearts out of your chests
if you act like this is funny?
- Definitely too late.
- Definitely funny.
[SIGHS] What do you want?
I want to show you something.
That's what he told me.
It's a mystery.
Well, it'd better be a penthouse
with an in-home sauna.
Isn't that what you have right here?

- You.
- Me.
Slushy guy.
It is as good a name as any.
Why are you here?
I am watching you.
That's creepy and possibly illegal.
Your safety is important to me.
Still, creepy.
You give me slushies.
Okay, a couple things.
I want to know everything.
A young woman walking
alone in a city at night,
any city in America, has reason to be
very careful of unexpected strangers.
Then I will go.
Second thing, given that,
and it's absolutely true,
why do I feel so safe
and secure right now?
I will protect you from
harm, ever and always.
Right, you said that before.
- It is the truth.
- How do I know that?
Because I cannot tell a lie.
It is impossible for me.
Well, I'm I'm gonna get going.
Um, head on home by myself.
Thanks for whatever this was.

Everybody wants me to sit on the throne,
be the deacon I'm supposed to be.
- What is happening here?
- I don't know.
He's showing me like he's showing you.
Look, I get that.
You both make very convincing arguments,
though Angela's is
primarily self-interest.
Ooh, fair point.
Reginald, yours isn't without
self-interest of your own.
I want what's best for
the vampire species.
And I want to not live in a fucking RV.
Nobody ever asks me what I want.
Hey, hey, hey, check
it out. Check it out.
- Hey, that's a nice phone.
Don't be scared. I don't bite.
- Give me your fucking phone.
- What's up?
Hey, if I were you, I'd
run before these two get up.
That was unexpected.
Wow, you rescued a phone.
But why?
I've been wandering
the streets at night,
helping people.
Look, when I help them,
no matter how small it is,
the scope of it, it feels good.
And look, I know it's not
changing the vampire species
or sitting on the throne,
but it feels like justice,
one night at a time.

Oh, here's something
you guys didn't know.
Someone's been reading
in their spare time again.
Well, wouldn't you? It's
the best thing about me.
How much and how fast. My
comprehension is perfect.
Well, let's hope it's interesting.
Well, it's impossible.
See, there's a park ranger
in Shenandoah National Park
that got struck by lightning in 1942.
Seems pretty possible.
Well, it was the first time.
See, this guy got struck
by lightning six times,
uh, the last one being in 1977.
So world record. You
know, human lightning rod.
Any reason he doesn't
just stay out of the rain?
And what are the odds of
this happening, you ask?
Didn't ask.
It's 4.15 in 1 with 33 zeros after it.
Reginald, you are wise
in the ways of the world.
What can I say?
Hey, you.
How may I help you?
I would like a Pineapple Surprise.
Got it. That's the fave.
You are wise in the ways of the world.
That's what they say on the streets.
Is there a particular street
in which this word is made manifest?
It's just an expression.
There is still so much I need to learn.
Where do you come from, anyway?
The roof?
Here you go, one Pineapple Surprise.


There it is again. Safe and secure.
I've really got to get
myself into that cult.
Last call, I'm out.
See ya. Farewell. Goodbye.
So you're leaving.

Okay, who's your buddy?




You are not her.
No, I'm something way worse.
I do not want to kill you.
It is not necessary.
Run for your life, and you may keep it.
[TUTS] You know what?
I think I'll stay.


Oh, Nikki, what have you done?
You can't see this.
But I did.
- Listen
- Don't you dare!

Banker, nun, third time's a
You're dressed like
my dad at Sunset Beach.
A good man who deserves better.
I didn't ask for this,
but it's what I got.
It was horrible at first,
as bad as you say it is,
but I discovered I didn't
have to be the sum of my fears.
I could live like this.
I could be a friend.
I could fall in love.
And I know this sounds crazy,
but I could be a better man
than I was before,
but that doesn't take away the hunger.
It doesn't take away my
need for blood, but
it only makes me a
monster if I act like one.
I have a chance to help
others do what I did,
to be better than the
sins that you described.
And maybe we'll never walk in the sun
But that doesn't mean we don't deserve
to walk in a better light.
I was right.
I like you, Reginald.
You are not what I expected.
And that makes your fate a sorrow to me,
but not so much as to
change what I must do.
Okay, when you say "my fate,"
what exactly do you have in mind?
Reginald, we gotta open soon.
Ashley can handle it.
Okay, right this way.
Oh, there's a door there.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Is this blindfold really necessary?
The art of surprise depends on surprise.
- Great.
- We're almost there. Okay.
Right there.
Okay, you ready?
- As ready as I'm gonna be.
- Okay.
Are you sure whatever
this is is a good
Oh, Reginald.
Look, it's go big or go home, right?
Um, and I understand the value
of addressing your own needs
before the needs of others.
- Uh-huh?
- But in the end,
there is nothing more
important than love.
Okay? Love conquers all.
Love is all around us. It's in the air.
It's "I love you"
begins with "I" and ends with "you."
So this is about love?

[SINGING OFFKEY] And I would do ♪
Anything for love ♪
I'd run right into hell and back ♪

I would do anything for love ♪
But I won't do that ♪

I won't do that ♪

Oh, oh. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh, oh, shoot.
- Fire!
- Oh.
not what I was expecting, but, uh
but it sure gets the
day started, am I right?
We need to have a talk.

I guess we have to talk
out loud sooner or later.
I mean, I could sit here for days
and happily avoid actual
conversation, but
Sometimes, I just think
talk doesn't get us anywhere.
That's just 'cause I didn't listen.
Just offering that perspective.
You're right, Reginald.
I needed time, but I didn't get it.
I'm not unaware
of all the good things
that there are about us,
but I need time to figure out my life,
and that's hard to do
inside all of this chaos,
the chaos of your emotions
and the chaos of you being a vampire.
It's a relationship
obstacle. I see that now.
It's just too much.
Can we be friends?
Like, no expectations,
no time limit on what happens next.
'Cause I think that I really need that.

On the one hand, it sucks.
But on the other, I
I think I can learn to do that.
Be that.
You're totally lying right now.
I can always tell.
Well, I can't completely
change my disposition
in an hour, even with all
of my accelerated abilities,
but I I will change.
I promise.

Been looking for you.
I've been having these weird dreams
that don't feel like dreams.
So not the lucid kind?
No. Different.
I don't know, it's like
"Night Court" for vampires,
and I'm the one on trial.
That is a weird dream.
I need to shift my focus to something
that doesn't blow up in my face.
Changing the vampire
species into something good.
We can do that.
And I know you don't
want to, and I get that,
but I don't think we were wrong to hope
that there's a better way
for us to live in this world.
And just for the record,
I really need something
to get my mind off of Sarah,
and this just might be the thing, okay?
And besides, we're not parasites.
All right, all right,
Reggie. Look, I'll do it.
Okay? I'll sit on the throne.
I'll wear the deacon robes.
I'm not sure about the big hat, though.
Dude, this is awesome news.
But it doesn't mean I'm
not out there at night,
- doing what I did.
- Look, I get it.
Bruce Wayne during the
day, Batman in the dark.
It's a thing.
Yeah, except it's real.
You get that, right?
We don't live in any comic book.
Yeah, well, after today,
I would gladly accept
the comic book option
if it was available to me.
All right, let's do this.
Let's make a better world
for the vampire nation.
Together, you and me.
You are a parasite.
You contribute nothing
to the earthly realm
other than your hunger.
There is no future in you
despite the eternity of your years.
You are a mistake that
requires correction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's ?
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
Open your eyes up, take a breath ♪
Hear the sound ♪
Come one, come all to
the greatest show in town ♪

Welcome to the end of the world ♪
The end of the world ♪
Welcome to the end of the world ♪
The end of the world ♪
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