Rel (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

Hate & Hip Hop

1 Rel is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Could you do me a favor? Could you look at Terry's bumps? Uh, you know his mom is worried that she may have to take him to the hospital, but she don't know, so what-what do you think? Uh, yeah, sure.
Hey, Terry, why don't you show me? I got one here, three right here, and I'm not sure because I can't see them, but I have a lot on my butt.
Uh, I'll save you some time.
He wants to be Spider-Man and he's been putting spiders in his bed so they can bite him.
Terry, why would you do that, okay That wouldn't even work anyway.
The spider's got to be radioactive.
Good idea, Dad.
I'll put them in the microwave.
Yeah, y-you definitely shouldn't do that.
You don't know anything, you evil doctor.
Prepare to be webbed.
All right, let's see who we got here.
Uh Tommy Smith.
5'11".
Allergic to penicillin.
Oh.
You're O negative.
Well, what up, my O negative blood brother? (CHUCKLES) What do you mean "blood brother"? I'm just saying only seven percent of us have that blood type.
You know what I mean? So you got it, I got it, so you my O negative blood brother.
(CHUCKLES) All right, um I see you fainted at the protest yesterday due to a blood clot.
Man, that's crazy, them protest was wild yesterday from what I heard, and they said a bunch of the alt-right dudes showed up with the khakis and the tiki torches.
It's good for you standing up for your beliefs.
Yeah, I was protesting inequality.
That's great.
And how this country has turned its back on true nationalists in favor of a politically correct global conspiracy.
So you are actually one of those tiki torch, khaki-wearing alt-right guys.
How alt-right are you? This country was founded by and for the white man and we need to take it back.
ac Huh? This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
You know, I've never walked out on a patient, but that dude was talking so crazy, man, if I ain't leave, I probably would've stole on him.
But me punching him, man, like, I would've been doing exactly what he expected me to do.
Man, who cares what he expected you to do? If I'd been you, I would've grabbed the defibrillator and defibrillated him.
Boom! Nah, l-l-look, we just playing, bro.
Look, you cannot aggressively defibrillize the dude, okay? Like Michelle Obama always says, "When they go low, we go high.
" Oh, no, no, no.
We changed that.
"When they go low, we kick 'em.
" Look, guys, it's not like I've never dealt with a racist before, but this dude, he was just real casual about it.
You know what I mean? Like, he was, he was really one of the most confident racists I've ever talked to.
I'm glad racists out in the open.
I mean, for a while, they was undercover.
You had to trick them, sniff them out with questions like, "Hey, man, you like a mobile quarterback?" If they said no, racist.
Yeah, like, when everybody says a pure pocket passer, it always sound like white power to me.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like, look, man, a racist is always gonna be a racist.
Our job is to make their life as hard as we can, okay? So, what you gonna do, Rel? You gonna put some laxative in his drink? Tell him you got the Ebola virus? It's from Africa, that'll freak him out.
Or better yet, paper his room with all the Kwanzaa decorations.
Dad, I can't do any of that, okay? And that's not gonna work.
I'm Look, me just messing with him or-or just walking out on him, that's jeopardizing my job.
And that's letting him win if I do that.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go back down there, right? And I'm-a do my job so well he's gonna have no choice but to respect me.
All right, you do you.
Leave a thermometer in his ass.
Damn, Jake, you deejaying in the middle of the afternoon? Yeah, yeah, when a song this hot drops, you want to play it all day, and because it was requested for a third time, and it's already my favorite song, here's "Sprinkle Dinkle," the instant classic by Doolock.
Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle.
(MUSIC STOPS) Damn, Jake, why the hell would you do this to me? It's not my fault you dated Doolock then dumped him.
If I was you, he'd still be my man.
Listen, he was a terrible boyfriend.
He didn't have a job, he lived with his sister, and he would clip his toenails in bed.
And one day I woke up and one of them was on my face.
I get it, you're filled with regret.
If I had dumped Doolock, I'd be dead in a ditch someplace by my own hand.
But I didn't because I know what a treasure looks like.
So you know what I'm-a do? I'm-a keep playing this song.
Let's run that back, y'all.
"Sprinkle Dinkle.
" Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle.
Okay, Tommy, it's Rel, your ebony healthcare professional.
Now, look, I've decided, even though you suck as a person, I'm not gonna suck at my job.
Now, sit up.
I'm waiting for a real nurse.
I am your real nurse.
Now take a deep breath.
- (INHALES) - Now, let it out.
So you gonna just hold your breath? I'm-a let you know now, man, you hold your breath, pass out, I'm-a get paid regardless.
You know, the crazy thing about you being white, I can literally see you losing consciousness.
I mean, you're turning colors already.
Look.
Oh, red.
(CHUCKLES) Now you're blue.
You red, white, and blue.
(LAUGHS) You a whole flag now.
Come on, man, there's no point in you being angry and holding your breath.
It's hard to be racist when you're dead.
(FORCEFULLY EXHALES, PANTING) Thank you.
How did you get this job, anyway? Affirmative action? Well, matter of fact, bruh, I got a perfect score on my NCLEX, and guess what I school went to? Malcolm X College.
So, that's what's gonna happen? What's next? Gonna make me apologize for slavery for the thousandth time? Nah, you don't actually have to apologize.
I mean, from looking at you, your ancestors probably couldn't even afford slaves.
But look What is that? What is that sign? Is that the racist Bat-Signal? Well, you guys have gang signals, why can't we? You know, y'all be killing me thinking all black people in gangs.
I'm a nurse.
I can't gangbang a nurse.
That don't make sense.
Now, let me tell you this, you guys are the craziest gang out here, and you don't even have good gang colors.
What gang wear khakis? But you know something? I'm not, I'm not gonna do all that.
I came here to do my job, and that's what I'm-a do.
- That's right.
- The hell is that? It's a catheter.
Uh, you know, you gonna be under the anesthesia for a while, so, you know, I got to put this in your urethra.
Oh, you don't know what that is with your very smart white supremacist mind.
Well, it's basically your pee hole.
I want a qualified nurse to do this.
So by qualified do you mean white? Oh, okay.
Well See, you ain't never been here before.
You know, we only got, like, one white nurse that's on this floor, and, uh, she's not, uh, she's not really steady with her hands when it come to a catheter.
That's right, we call her "Butterfinger Becky.
" - Is she white? - Yup.
Then I would like her to do this.
Man, your racist body, your racist choice.
- Becky.
- BECKY: Yes.
Could you come help me real quick? Yeah, yeah, of course.
As I predicted, this patient here would want you to do the catheter insertion.
- Damn.
- Yup.
O-Okay.
(CHUCKLES) You got this, go ahead.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
- Okay, wow! (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Yay.
- I'll be outside.
- Okay.
Um - So - TOMMY: No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no! Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop, stop! Oh, oh, stop! Oh, whoa, hey, hey, what's all the commotion, huh? Is everything okay in here? Well, I-I may have tried to go a little too fast, or too slow.
I'm not sure.
Either way, it-it didn't make it in.
You know something, I'm I would help you, but you know (SCOFFS) You said you wanted a very qualified white nurse; well, you got her.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just Nurse Rel, will you, will you do it? I'd do it, Tommy, if you say please.
Please? - Okay.
- (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) I got one more request, though, brother.
Could you put your fist up like this and say, "Black Lives Matter"? We'll put a tiny camera down your esophagus and then we'll put a coiled hose through your neck artery and thread the other end through a vein at the groin and suction out the blood clot.
Any questions? U-Um, no.
Okay, great.
See you in the OR.
All right, is there any problems with the catheter? No, I'm-I'm I'm okay.
Okay.
Look, even though your a racist I can see that you're scared, right? And it's my job to comfort you, you know that? Look, have you ever had surgery before? No, I-I haven't even been in a hospital since middle school when I burned myself sitting in front of a lamp 'cause I thought it had gamma rays and it would turn me into the Hulk.
You know what's crazy? My son kind of did the same thing.
He got a bunch of spiders and put them in his bed so they could bite him, thinking it would turn him into Spider-Man.
That doesn't work.
Wait, you did the same thing, too? Yeah, I mean, who doesn't want to be Spider-Man? (CHUCKLES, SIGHS) Look, man, you don't have nothing to worry about, okay? Surgery is gonna be okay.
- All right? - Okay.
Spider-Man.
(CHUCKLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) All right, y'all, I want to thank you y'all for coming out to the first ice cream happy hour in honor of "Sprinkle Dinkle.
" (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Man, Brit, you lost out.
Doolock's the new king of the West Side.
First of all, you can't have a city - run by some rapper named Doolock.
- Right.
You got a city with all the men running around with grills in their mouth and chains around their neck, and you got the female police officers twerking when they're trying to write you a ticket.
Man, that sounds amazing to me.
Look, this whole generation is lost.
At least you got some sense, Milt.
There you go, playboy.
Sprinkle Dinkle.
What the hell is everybody doing? They getting ready for the Sprinkle Dinkle dance challenge.
My man Doolock asked people to submit videos of them sprinkling and dinkling.
I'm sick of this.
Who made this dance up? It look like everybody ran out of paper towels, so they air-drying their hands.
Oh, you got to see it done with music.
- No, Jake, don't play it - Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream What are you doing? I don't know, Brittany.
I just I like it.
But you're supposed to be on my side.
I am, but look it's-it's just fun.
Sprinkle, dinkle.
Doolock, I'm gonna put these streets All right, y'all, I got a little surprise for y'all.
My man Doolock is in the building.
- (CHEERING) - Oh, yeah.
I see y'all.
It's me in the flesh.
(CHUCKLES) Sprinkle Dinkle, y'all.
(LAUGHS) Hey.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Brittany, is that you? Mm, mm, mm.
Still got it, too.
Hey, y'all.
Do y'all who this is? This is my ex-boo.
You know what I mean? My ex-boo thang.
(CHUCKLES) You know, some people may say she the one that got away.
It's all good.
'Cause they always come back.
Boy, I'm not here for you, Carl.
It look like you threw a dead raccoon over top of the "Thriller" jacket.
Uh ha, ha, ha.
You know what I'm saying? She over here trying to make jokes and stuff.
Ha.
It's all good.
You know? 'Cause my name ain't Carl, you know what I mean? Trying to make a fool-lock out of Doolock.
I see.
That's your plan, huh? Let me ask you a question.
- Still designing clothes? - Yep.
Doolock got his own clothing line.
And what you don't realize is, boo, this could have been both of us.
Huh? We could have been a power couple.
All this could be yours.
Couple manicures, his and her furs, twin garages, swimming lessons.
Im-a backstroke by my damn self.
That's right, 'cause Doolock is single and ready to sprinkle.
Let's do this, y'all! (LAUGHS) Oh, lady.
Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle First, it was a song, then a dance and now he got his own clothing line.
And nobody hates it but me.
I need you to hate it with me.
Okay, Brittany, you can't text me and say it's an emergency when you just jealous of your ex-boyfriend.
First of all, ain't nobody jealous of him.
But, look, this Sprinkle Dinkle craze is worse than cancer, Rel.
There's a few people on this floor that'll beg to differ.
Don't tell me how to feel, okay? I just need you to be my friend and hate Sprinkle Dinkle with me.
Or you could let go of that hate.
Let me tell you, today, I've been, like, changing over this racist patient I have, right? He started out really negative, but I'm really getting to him.
I think when he leave here, he gonna download SoulSwipe.
See, Brittany, what you got to do is Look, great for you and your racist, Rel.
Great.
But I don't need a lesson right now.
I just need a partner in hate.
All right, look, you my friend.
I guess I hate the song, too.
- Yes, thank you.
- Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Really? I'm just saying, it's really catchy, and it's got a nice beat to it.
It's really dope.
And when I hit the streets, all you hear is pop, pop I make a girl scream "More ice cream" Hey, Tommy.
How are you feeling Good.
Just very tired.
Well, that's completely normal.
So the surgery was a success, but there was a complication removing the clot and you lost a lot of blood.
Well, not to worry.
We were able to perform a transfusion, and now everything's fine.
Wow.
T-Thank you.
Well, actually, you don't have to thank me.
You need to thank Rel.
He literally saved your life.
We had a problem with the O negative blood supply, and Rel donated on the spot.
Wow.
We done come a long way, huh? Well, you and I were just, we were just yelling at each other yesterday, and today, my blood literally saved your life.
Why would you do that?! I don't want your disgusting blood in me! (GRUNTING) I'm gonna, I'm gonna sue this hospital.
Why the hell would you do that to me? J-Just drain me! Drain me! Wait, wait, wait.
You gave this guy your blood? (CHUCKLES) Oh, that's genius, Rel.
You put your black blood in a racist? Oh, man, I'm proud of you, son.
Aw, man, I bet you his elbows are ashy right now, man.
I am so proud of you, man.
Your ancestors are cheering you on.
Okay, okay, Dad, look, look.
I didn't do it for my ancestors, all right? I was just doing my job.
But man, you know, instead of him thanking me for saving his life, he treated me like trash.
Oh, oh, I see.
I already told you once, you can't change a racist, man.
What we need to figure out is how to put some more black organs in him.
Hey, Rel, I mean, I know I was telling you, "Hey, go high" and all that stuff, but you went way higher than I expected, bro.
I mean, you literally put yourself in that man heart.
(SCOFFS) Michelle Obama would be proud, man.
Man, see, it's not about all that, man.
Like, I-I hate the fact that he got me hating him.
You know? I mean, hate is so contagious, man, I hate hate.
There is nothing I love more than hate.
Here you go, Rel.
My hate made you this shirt.
Here you go, Milt.
My hate made you this hat.
And Nat, my hate made you this quilted phone cover.
Damn, Brit, this is a dope-ass phone case.
I know.
See, at first, Doolock's song annoyed me, right? But then, I decided to be mature and channel my hatred.
So I started designing and sewing, and it's the most productive I've ever been.
See, I realized Doolock is the hate of my life.
Feels so good to be in hate.
(CHUCKLES) See, Rel? That's what you got to do with hate.
You got to take it, throw it right back at them.
Right.
I took my power back.
Look here.
I don't want to hate nobody, but I do want to take my power back.
(STAMMERS) Ah, you know, I know exactly what I'm-a do.
All right? I'm-a go down there and I'm-a demand an apology.
And if he doesn't give it to me, I'm-a ask for my black blood back.
- Oh, hey, Rel - No, no, no, no.
Saved your life, all right? - And I need you to say, right - I'm sorry.
Okay, that was easier than I thought it was gonna be.
I mean, for real, I-I actually was planning to come down here and pretend like I was gonna take your blood back.
And then turn on BE until you beg for mercy.
Look, you know, I overreacted yesterday.
And you treated me great while I treated you terribly, and you saved my life, and, um, I am sorry.
You, Rel, have opened my eyes.
That's a good first step.
I mean, we got to communicate.
And I can honestly say that you're one of the good ones.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa You said I'm one of the good ones? Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, you're not living off of government handouts, you're you're educated, y-you're well-spoken.
Excuse me? Do you know how racist you sound? I mean, even when you're not even trying to sound racist, you sound racist.
- How did you get like this? - Now, look.
You don't understand, okay? It's getting harder and harder for a white man to succeed.
Okay? I-I've been I've been unemployed for three years because the these minority caravans are taking our jobs.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Okay, bro.
You-you You talking about jobs? For real? First of all, y'all always had the jobs.
Okay? And second of all, dude, if you stop going to all these meetings and rallies and just maybe go to a job fair or or take some classes or send a résumé Okay, you know, o-of course you'd say that.
You-you need get off the Democratic plantation.
(EXHALES) Okay, you know something? I-I see what this is.
Right? For the first time in your life, you know, you're not just getting something handed to you based on the color of your skin, right? You got to earn it.
You got to be qualified.
(REL LAUGHS SOFTLY) Just a whiny, uneducated, entitled little punk.
I'm not finna waste my breath with you no more.
I did my job, you'll be discharged shortly.
Oh, and I forgot.
Uh, we're gonna make sure we bill your Obamacare.
I-I do not have Obamacare.
I have health insurance through the Affordable Care Act.
Well, I hate to bust your bubble.
That is Obamacare.
That's right.
Barack been paying your bills, and you didn't even know it.
(CHUCKLES) Surprise.
Yeah You know who it is It's Doolock, it's Doolock It's Doolock, it's Doo Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle - Dettle ice cream - Ice cream - Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle - Ice cream - Dettle ice cream - Boy, ice cream It's Doolock, got the fool-lock And when I hit the streets, all you hear is pop, pop I make a girl scream "More ice cream" And I say, all I got is cookies and cream I'll tell you, my cream is bananas I'm-a see your girl mañana But I got that cheese instead Talking about that cheesy bread, diabetes - You goons are dead - You sick, fam You don't want my banana bread Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream - You dead to me, fam Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle Dettle ice cream Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle - Dettle ice cream - Yeah.