Remington Steele (1982) s01e04 Episode Script

Signed, Steeled, & Delivered

[Tires Squealing] These are secret agents we're talking about! Bombs! Poison darts! Big, fat guys with deadly hats they throw at your neck! [Gunshots Continue] It seems people are trying to kill him.
- The C.
- The C.
? [Both Grunting] [Screams] Tell me why your people are trying to kill Sheldon Quarry.
A man bent over our car.
! [Laura] Try this for a deep, dark secret The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Follow I always loved excitement.
So I studied and apprenticed and put my name on an office.
But absolutely nobody knocked down my door.
A female private investigator seemed so feminine.
So I invented a superior.
A decidedly masculine superior.
Suddenly, there were cases around the block.
It was working like a charm.
Until the day he walked in with his blue eyes and mysterious past.
And before I knew it he assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Now I do the work, and he takes the bows.
It's a dangerous way to live but as long as people buy it I can get thejob done.
We never mix business with pleasure.
Well, almost never.
I don't even know his real name.
- [Knock On Door] - [Door Unlocks] [Screaming] - Oh, my Lord! - It's not what you think.
I don't think anything.
I just change the beds.
It's hair dye.
See? It's hair dye! Look, I'm sorry about the mess but you have to understand I'm not trained for this kind of thing.
Are they still out there? Who? Who? [Tires Screech] [Gunshots Continue] Last chance.
What Oh! I just can't, Murphy.
Sure you can.
We get in my car, drive to your place, pick up your clubs and some clothes and we're in Palm Springs by 8:30.
- [Laughs] If only it were that simple.
- It is that simple.
You got it all backwards.
It's the men who are supposed to work too hard and die young.
- It's the weekend, Laura.
- Murphy You know, if a guy hadn't known you so long and didn't like you so much and wasn't so sure you'd never lie to him he could convince himself you didn't want to go, taxes or no taxes.
But you do know me.
And you do like me.
And you know I wouldn't lie to you.
See you Monday, Laura.
- Have fun.
- You bet.
[Sighs] [Sighs] No crowds of troubled clients clamoring for my services? It's Friday.
People would rather bowl.
See you Monday.
- Uh, don't get lost on the freeway.
- [Chuckles] [Hair Dryer Blowing] Miss Wolfe! Hey! Give a girl a break, will ya? May I ask what it is you're doing in my bathroom? Forget it.
It's dry enough.
Is it 6:00 yet? Why? What happens at 6:00? Come 6:00, all these offices are gonna open up and empty out and all the bars and restaurants on the ground floors of all these high-rises they're gonna fill up with people hungry to bury themselves in anything but what they do for a living.
- They'll buy each other drinks - [Door Closes] Tell each other pretty lies and hope the spell doesn't break before dinner.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
Get lucky, it lasts till Monday.
Well, that's wonderful, if one is satisfied with managing one's love life like a game of chance.
I prefer the tried and true method.
One makes a date and casts a spell of one's own.
- Which reminds me, Gail called.
- Excellent case in point.
We've planned this evening for weeks.
Front row center for the Bolshoi, dinner at Andre's a leisurely drive back to my place She said she was sorry she had to cancel.
Something about the croup.
Look at you.
What? Tell me that briefcase is just for show, a little prop to intimidate the hired help.
You don't really plan on spending your weekend cuddled up with all that paperwork, do you? It's not that I don't think your concern is genuine or your motives pure but would you mind skipping ahead and telling me where we're going with this? - You look exhausted.
- Really? Thank you.
- You know what my suggestion would be? - I shudder to think.
A night on the town away from the pressures of work.
You and me, o-on a date? Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Sounds wonderful.
It will be wonderful.
And just when can I expect all this wonderfulness to happen? - Actually, I was thinking about tonight.
- Tonight? - I don't think there's a moment to lose.
- It's 5:45.
You wait until 5:45 on a Friday night to ask me out? - Let me guess.
Sheila has the mumps.
- Laura Susan got hit by a car.
Mary, measles.
Doris, diphtheria.
Gail, croup.
[Sighs] What difference does it make, so long as you're free? Oh, what in the world makes you think that I'm free? It's Friday night.
Friday night! - Big plans, have we? - Yes! - Mm-hmm.
- As a matter of fact, I do.
Look, you can think what you want.
This big briefcase is a very small part of what I expect to be a very full weekend.
Am I correct in assuming tonight's off? [Chattering] Lock up when you leave.
[Steele] Great.
! Ah.
! Move back.
It's hard to believe two such beautiful women could work together on one small jumbojet.
Tell me, is Deirdre there? Thank you.
Deirdre? Just got off the phone with Mischa.
You'll never guess who fell into two front row center seats for the Bolshoi.
Deirdre? There's a man standing in my office holding a hat rack.
Let me get back to you.
I'd ask you to take a seat, but you've already helped yourself to some furniture.
Are you Remington Steele? That all depends on how you feel towards Mr.
- ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Jazz On Stereo] - [Knocking] - Who is it? - Steele.
! Steele.
I thought I made it very plain, I have plans for tonight.
I'm going out.
Yes, you made it very plain.
But I have someone here who urgently needs our help and I promise, if you've ever encountered a more desperate creature in your life I shall leave in an instant.
- [Gasps] - Hello, Miss Holt.
My name is Sheldon Quarry.
[Gasping] H-H-Hold on just one minute.
[Coughing] Oh! Come in.
Come in.
What happened to him? - It seems people are trying to kill him.
- People? - What people? - The C.
It's hair dye.
The C.
? Why? A whim, perhaps? The point is, he wants us to stop them.
But why us? Apparently we have the background for the job.
Perhaps we should caucus in the other room.
If you'll excuse us.
- "Background.
" - Seems Sheldon works for the C.
Several days ago, men started following him.
People started shooting at him.
So he ran.
And who did he run to? To none other than that famous ex-C.
Agent [Together] Remington Steele.
Oh, my.
He must have read about you in the papers.
All that vague reference to secret missions all that "gop" about government service.
Yes, all that "gop.
" Now, what are we gonna do about it? Mr.
- Sheldon.
- Sheldon.
What would you say if I told you that Mr.
Steele never had anything to do with the C.
? Miss Holt, um let me explain something to you.
Down at the C.
A I worked in I.
R that's Information Retrieval.
At the Company I'm known as the Answer Man.
Wanna know how much wheat was harvested in the Ukraine in 1963? L-I know that.
Wanna know how many MiGs can land on the island of Bava, off Cuba? I know that too.
Wanna know who was Miss Rheingold of 1957? I'm the guy.
The Answer Man.
That's me.
So don't try and tell me that things are not as I already know them to be.
I ran a thorough check on you and you have no birth certificate no fingerprints on record no records of any kind.
And you want me to believe that he wasn't with the Company? Well, I guess you have us there, Mr.
Can we caucus? What the hell are you doing? What did you want me to say? "I'm sorry, Mr.
You're wrong.
Remington Steele can't help you because there is no Remington Steele.
" Obviously there's been some kind of mistake.
He needs some help, someone to contact whoever it is you contact in a situation like this, and And-And what? These are secret agents we're talking about.
Bombs! Poison darts! Big, fat guys with deadly hats they throw at your neck! Um, I'm not interrupting, am I? Oh! Uh I just wanted to say Well, um that being here with you people Well, it's the first time I've felt really safe in a long time.
What I mean to say is I haven't had a sound night's sleep or a hot meal since Wednesday.
Oh, no, no.
I didn't mean for No, please don't do that on my account.
I don't want to be any trouble.
You eat this.
Thank you.
I'm supposed to get married tomorrow to Lucille.
As a matter of fact As a matter of fact I was on my way to my wedding rehearsal.
I was walking out of the agency and I see one of my ushers, Lenny Palmieri.
He's standing across the courtyard, right? And he waves to me he gives me a little nod like he like he needs a ride home.
And I say yeah.
He beats me over to the car.
And he must have seen the tuxedo boxes on the passenger seat, because he walks around and grabs ahold of the driver's door.
First thing I see is his body flying up in the air like a like he was let out of some jack-in-the-box or something.
I mean, it was almost funny.
Then I hear the "bang" and I see the fire.
And then the the smell hits me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Lucille.
She probably thinks I'm dead by now or wishes I was.
- You haven't called her? - No.
L-I don't dare.
They'd have a trace on her in a second.
[Sighs] Well there's not much we can do with regard to the C.
But at least let me put Lucille's mind at ease.
Oh, uh, gee, Miss Holt I'm really sorry that you have to break your date on my account.
Date? Oh, yes.
My date.
Oh! Ha-ha.
Completely forgot about it in all the excitement.
Well [Chuckles] If you'll both excuse me.
- Private.
- [Steele] Yes.
- Personal.
You understand.
- [Steele Chuckling] Mmm! Mmm! Mmm.
Uh, yes, yes.
Uh, this is Laura Holt.
I ordered a medium pizza to go about 15 minutes ago? Yes.
Yes, well, cancel it.
Thank you.
[Doorbell Chimes] [Man] Yes? What is it? I'm awfully sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Lucille Seward.
Who is looking for Lucille Seward? Uh, I'm My name is Laura Holt.
I'm a friend of Sheldon Quarry's.
Come in, please.
All right.
Where is he? Pardon me? Oh, you, you're pardoned.
It's Sheldon who's gonna get the chair.
Do you know how many times I've canceled the wedding rehearsal? Where the hell is he? Hasn't he ever heard of a phone? I even made room for him in my publishing business.
And how does he repay me? For four days we're all worried sick.
I have a daughter who's hysterical.
- I have 90 pounds of roast beef in the freezer.
- Mr.
Seward I have 30 pounds of shrimp Oh, no.
Excuse me.
Not shrimp.
They're prawns.
They hit you for a dollar more a pound when they call them prawns.
Makes it sound like they went to college.
I have all this food.
I have ice sculptures, centerpieces [Woman] Daddy.
! - [Sighs] - Forgive him.
He's an ass.
Lucille, I will not tolerate Daddy! It's the only way with him.
Is Sheldon really all right? Where is he? Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
But he's fine.
He's fine.
Lucille, you're supposed to be resting.
[Sighs] Isn't he a wonderful father? He loves us best when we're sedated.
[Lucille] I want to hear everything.
Well, I'm afraid there's not an awful lot to tell you.
Feels good to be clean again.
I found these clothes in Miss Holt's closet.
Lucky break, huh? Men's clothing.
Laura's closet.
Lucky break indeed.
Must be great being Remington Steele.
It has its moments.
Are you serious? I've wanted to be like you all my life.
Relax, Sheldon.
Remember, you're only wearing a towel.
All through school you dream of being a hero.
Everybody laughs at you.
But you keep telling yourself just wait till you grow up.
They'll be throwing ticker tape at your parade.
And then finally you do grow up.
Only there's no parade no ticker tape and you finally realize that you're just not cut from that particular bolt of cloth.
So you find a nice girl.
On Sundays you look at sensible cars together.
Find yourself talking marriage and going into the family business.
Oh, well you wouldn't understand about that.
That's what happens to the rest of us.
Excuse me.
[Door Opens] [Door Closes] [Clears Throat] Sheldon? It occurs to me you have that backwards.
I mean I know you think I lead an exciting life and, yes, I suppose I do.
But don't you think it's rather like the tree falling in the forest? If there's no one there to hear it, it doesn't really make much of a noise, does it? An exciting life.
Without someone to share it with What I'm trying to say is, anytime you'd like, I'll trade places with you.
What do you say? Sheldon? Do we have a deal? If I'm nice enough to say all this sugary slop the least you could do is stay awake.
Well, are we going to have a wedding Saturday or not? We're certainly going to try.
That's the most encouraging news I've had all week.
- [Woman] Mr.
- Yes? It's almost time for me to go.
Perhaps Lucille will take her medication now.
- Honey, let her give you your shot, will ya? - You won't forget? You'll tell him what I told you? With any luck, the next time I see you you'll be wearing your wedding dress.
Well anything I can do for Sheldon [Chuckles] She's my daughter.
She loves him.
Doesn't matter much what I think, does it? [Tires Screech] Excuse me.
Steak? Wine? Hearts of palm? You certainly seem to appreciate the finer things.
Of course, what's the point of buying it if you have no one to share it with? They're onto us.
We've gotta get out of here.
- There are men's clothes in your bedroom closet.
- Sheldon.
! Time to get up.
! Men's toiletries in your bathroom.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about men's bikini underwear.
I'm talking about a T-shirt that says "Bankers do it with interest.
" Yecch! I can't believe it! I'm chased through the canyons by Mario Andretti.
I have to fight off the Galloping Gourmet to get a ride home.
You can't believe it? How do you think I feel, not even knowing you live with a man? I don't live with a man.
Not anymore.
Steele, what's going on? They know you're with us.
Our only chance is to keep going.
- We'll rent a car.
- Where's yours? - Sitting at the supermarket.
- The supermar Don't ask.
I'm ready.
You lived with a man who wears white belts? Am I disappointed.
Finally we're sleeping together.
[Chuckles] Must make it a point to tell Murphy.
- You would too.
- Damn right.
[Sighs] [Chuckles] He still doesn't trust me, does he? It's not you.
It's me.
He worries about me.
Worries I'll get in too deep and you'll be gone and I'll be left in too deep.
Murphy thinks that? He isn't the only one.
[Groans] Think I'll stretch my legs.
Damn it.
[Sighs] Wow.
Is he a man of action, or what? I'm not sure I have an answer for that question.
[Punching Keypad] - What are you doing? - I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I'm not driving in circles trying to elude people I don't know who want to kill a nice little nebbish for reasons I don't understand.
I'm also not about to sit doing nothing while Sheldon looks at me like I'm Babe Ruth and George Washington all rolled into Yes.
Information? I'd like the number of the Central Intelligence Agency.
No, that's not a residence.
[Sighs] [Exhales] It's 9:00.
Seven more hours, and Lucille was supposed to become Mrs.
Sheldon Quarry.
Oh, Sheldon, seven hours is a long time.
Besides, Mr.
Steele is on the phone with the agency now.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Boy, would I love to see their faces when they pick up the phone and hear "This is Remington Steele.
" You and me both.
He'll fix everything.
He and my future father-in-law.
The two of them, they're just amazing.
You know, he built that business up from scratch.
- It's publishing, right? - No.
Foreign editions of American classics.
I mean, such a great idea.
The whole world is in love with everything American.
You know, China opens up for Western culture, and pow! He's right in there in front of everybody else.
Know what he's working on now? Gone With the Wind.
Think about that.
In a year from now, you'll be able to go to China sit in a park, turn to the Chinese fellow sitting next to you and say "How about that Rhett Butler?" [Laughs] Yep.
[Grunts] They can't wait to see me again.
Just like old times.
[Engine Starts] Ah.
Central Intelligence Agency.
They're listed in the phone book.
Why shouldn't they have their name in the lobby? So, tell me about this fellow you lived with.
Here we are.
[Man] Steele? It's Saturday.
The help's off.
Come on in.
! Steele! Lord, look at you.
[Chuckles] How long has it been? Da Nang, during the rainy season.
- [Chuckling] Look at you.
- Good to see you too.
Sit! Sit! - Uh, you and, um - Laura.
! So this is Laura.
Your secretary? - Assistant.
- Associate.
Sit down.
Been reading about you.
Scoring all those big bucks in the private sector.
- It's an adequate living.
- Remington, don't bull a bull artist.
Is he paying you enough? 'Cause ifhe gives you any trouble, you tell me.
I'll have him audited.
[Both Laughing] [Clears Throat] - [Sighs] So - So What brings you here, Steele? Me? Here? Nothing in particular.
Just thinking about the good old days Da Nang, the rainy season.
Oh, um, you know who I ran into the other day? - Who? - Shelly Quarry.
Remember Shelly Quarry? Information Retrieval? - Nope.
- Of course you do.
- The Answer Man? - Never heard of him.
You know what time it is? Uh, it's a little after 1:00.
I gotta run, folks.
I promised my kid I'd take him go-cart racing.
Great seeing you again, Steele.
Nice meeting you too, Laurie.
- Laura.
- Whatever.
Well, uh Well, uh Who's kidding who? [Bell Dings] Well? Did you straighten it out? - It's all very confusing, Sheldon.
- Confusing? What are you talking about? It's very simple.
They're trying to kill me.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What happened up there? There's a man bent over our car.
Hey! That's Charlie Webb.
Shelly? - Charlie? - Shelly, no! [Elevator Bell Dings] Don't you bull a bull artist! You don't know me, and I don't know you.
So before you go go-carting with your kid tell me why your people are trying to kill Sheldon Quarry.
- They're not.
- Tell that to Charles Webb.
He just got splashed all over the car park trying to bomb our car.
He wasn't trying to bomb it.
He was probably trying to defuse one.
- What? - You heard me.
Is Webb dead? - Sheldon? - He's fine.
He's in the stairwell.
Look, I don't know where you people get your information but get it straight no one here wants to kill Sheldon Quarry.
We were following him, that's all trying to find out what the hell is going on.
Lenny Palmieri dies getting into a car.
Now Webb.
How do you think that looks? I'll tell you how it looks.
It looks rotten.
It looks like little Sheldon had something going a covert operation.
Something I don't even know about and I'm the operations director.
People are dying and I want to find out why.
You really don't know? We've been following him since Wednesday, and the only thing we're sure about is the blonde.
Blonde? What blonde? The blonde.
The one who shot at him yesterday.
You don't know about the blonde? She was at Lucille's last night.
She was working there as a nurse.
At the house? Perhaps I should bring Sheldon in here.
Perhaps you should.
I want to ask you something.
I ran a small check on you after you called this morning.
Mister, who the hell are you? Don't you remember? Da Nang.
The rainy season.
- He's gone.
- You sure? You think somebody took him? - What time is it? - 1:45.
I think he just left.
Left? Left us? To go where? - [Guests Laughing, Chattering] - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Organ] How much longer do I have to wait here? I called the minister's house, and they said he was on his way.
It's not easy trying to put a wedding back together in three hours.
- [Doorbell Chimes] - Stay put.
Don't scream.
It's probably him right now.
I'll get it.
Daddy [Sighs] - Reverend.
- Mr.
Simon Courtney.
Sheldon's best man.
I'm not too late, am I? - I didn't know that Sheldon had a best man.
- He does, and here I am.
Don't worry about a thing.
Just point me to wherever he's hiding.
- I'll take care of myself.
- He's behind the trellis at the far corner of the yard.
Got it.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Excuse me.
Isn't it a lovely day for the wedding? Splendid.
You look wonderful.
How are you? Good to see you.
Hello, George.
[Clears Throat] - Naughty, naughty.
- Steele! I spend a day and a night trying to keep you alive, and you sneak away.
- What are you doing here? - What do you mean? - Why, I'm your best man.
The name's Simon Courtney.
- What are they doing here? This is Mr.
Price from the C.
, which is not trying to kill you and, of course, you know Laura.
Did you see her out here yet? - No, but I haven't checked the house.
- See who out here? This is my wedding you're messing up.
Sheldon, did a blonde woman take some shots at you yesterday? Well yeah.
Well, she isn't employed by the C.
- Well, then why is she trying to kill me? - I don't know.
All I do know is that she's gonna try it again, given a chance.
So I'm afraid I can't allow you out there until she's found.
¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Continues] Patience.
- ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Stops] - [Sighs] [Guests Murmuring] What the hell is the hang-up? The groom has to come out from behind the trellis before you start down the aisle.
Well, get back out there and find out what the problem is.
- Daddy took care of it.
- Oh, that's a crock! Hey! You're supposed to be out front.
Can't you hear the music? - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Stops] - [Sighs] [Guests Continue Murmuring] - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Continues] - Mr.
Price? Oh, exc I'm terribly sorry.
[Grunting] [Screams, Groans] - Stop that woman! - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Ends] - That's her! - [Groans] - [Screams] - John! The book! Daddy.
! What are you doing? Where are you going? What about my wedding? Shut up, Lucille.
Any heroes around here I don't know anything about? Very well, then.
Enjoy yourselves.
[Guests Screaming, Murmuring] Nobody tells my Lucille to shut up.
Let's get married.
So, it wasn't just exporting American fiction to China.
Not really.
In every shipment of books was a specially prepared single volume filled with American computer technological secrets.
- See? - Hmm.
Price found this volume right before the blonde knocked him on the head.
Which brings us to the motive which would be obvious to a child of three.
Well, he didn't do it for the money.
He honestly believed that no one country should know more than any other.
- Equality equals security.
- Exactly.
You see, if everybody knows as much as everybody else then no one country can get the upper hand.
- Knowledge is power.
- Of course.
I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.
When John found out Lucille was gonna marry a guy who worked for the C.
A well, he just naturally assumed that they were onto him.
- Which, of course, they weren't.
- Of course! [Clears Throat] So how does it feel to get married and become a hero in one fell swoop? Do you really think I'm a hero? I mean, do you really mean that? [Lucille] Sheldon.
! Oops.
I gotta go.
Isn't married life great? You know, of course, that he thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread.
How does that make you feel? - ¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Orchestra: : Tango] - It makes me feel like dancing.
- What? - I mean it.
Now, tell me about this chap you lived with.
I don't believe it.
Oh, boy.
Ask me how my weekend was.
Go on No, I'll tell you.
It was wonderful.
- Laura, I'm worried about you.
- Murphy Here you are in exactly the same position I left you in Friday night.
- Yes, but - Haven't you ever heard the expression "All work and no play"? Huh? Laura, I'm serious.
I'm very concerned.
You gotta get out from behind that desk and take some chances.
Live a life, for crying out loud! - I mean, you can't hide behind a desk forever.
- Gotcha.
[Sighs] I didn't mean to come down on you quite so strong.
But it's for your own good.
Thanks, Murph.
You're welcome.
He's right, you know.
A little excitement would do an awful lot of good.
- You think so, huh? - Mmm.
So how was your weekend? Oh.
Do you really wanna know? [Mews]