Reno 911! (2003) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
All units in the vicinity.
We have an officer down, shots fired, shots fired.
All units in the vicinity, please report.
Sheriff's department! Hey ! Oh, God.
Surprise.
We've got an officer down.
We've got an officer down.
Oh ho, oh, ho-ho! Aggghhhh! Here you go Lal-la, yeah Shots fired! Oh-ho-ho! Okay, heads up, heads up.
Morning meeting.
We got a call from the Wal-Mart.
The, uh, Mexican gentleman who likes to touch and hug their mannequin's is back.
Garcia, I was hoping you could do a drive-by.
No problemo.
Muchas gracias.
Who put up the sticker in the locker room that says, "legalize it"? It's got a little leaf, a little marijuana leaf, and it says "legalize it".
I don't know why you're looking at me.
I'm not looking at you.
I'm looking here.
I'm thinking at you.
I'm looking at here.
I love Reno.
I've got roots here.
I'm very popular here, from all my dealings.
I've done a lot of R.
V.
shows.
All the camper shows, they always call me.
As it turns out, I am one of the better looking women here, so my dance card is full all the time.
My favorite thing about being a cop is that I get to slap men around.
Ha! I love it.
You know what I'm saying? You just grab 'em up in the collar, and Stop, in the name of the law! Hey, you, come here, in the name of the law! You know what I'm saying? I love someone that has to say, "you know what I'm saying," after everything she says.
Because quite honestly, no, I don't know what she's saying, nor do I care.
There is some racial tension on the squad.
And I mean, I think it's normal.
But I think, unfortunately, it all stems from one guy.
From officer Garcia.
And I mean, the poor guy can't help it, he's Mexican.
Uh, I would say in the context of a joke, it's okay.
I mean, I watch the B.
E.
T.
Whatever, them fellas use it all They toss it around like salad.
So you're saying, that in the context of a joke, it is okay to use the N-word.
Yeah, to loosen somebody up.
Y'know, loosen up A little brevity.
No.
You want me to check our tolerance policy? No, it is not okay.
Dangle, if I could, if I could, I don't use it, but if I wanted to, could I? Yeah, I think I should.
What if someone says, what which nigger took the last donut? That's wildly inappropriate.
I take medication Doctor prescribed.
Doctor prescribed medication, for several audit I have an auditory disorder, which makes me a little bit nervous around people and lights.
We've got a disturbing the peace call, in front of a haircutting place.
Male Caucasian, possible street performer.
He's been accosting customers all week.
We've got four calls.
He's been disturbing the peace.
So we're gonna see what we've got here.
Well, thank you, sir.
This should be good.
How're you doing today, sir? Good.
I'm gonna need to see some sort of a license, a street performer's license.
Good.
You speak English, right? Do you have a real license, sir? That's pretty good.
Well, sir, I don't need to see a fake anything.
I need to see a real performer's, street performer's license.
It's gettin' bigger! Yeah, I can see that, Jones.
Okay, sir.
Ooh! Can you show me, uh Heavy, heavy? I need to see a license, sir.
No, I don't Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Sir, please don't I need to see Jones! That's pretty funny.
Jones, can I ask you not to encourage this gentleman, okay? What? Because I'm trying to ascertain some information, and I'm trying to Okay.
Excuse me, sir He's doing you.
Excuse me, sir, are you doing me? Sir, I am at my wit's end, here.
He's got you! Are you making fun of me, sir? Please do not do that to me, sir! Oh! Cut it out there, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? Oh, yeah! Go to sleep, little mime! You're speaking English now! Yeah, thank you.
I feel I bring a real joie de vivre to law enforcement.
For example, my uniform.
I do not wear the regulation uniform.
I wear these shorts, here.
And I actually had to lobby the sheriff's department, to get permission to wear these.
But my argument was, hey, I'm out there in the streets every day.
I've gotta be able to move like a cheetah.
Like a law enforcement cheetah.
Can I see your driver's license, please? Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle? Yes, sir.
Is there a problem, officer? Well, yeah, there's a little bit of a problem.
This here says you weigh Oh! Uh, no, no.
That was about 3 years ago.
I'm down to, like, 130, maybe 135 today.
I haven't been running in, like, a week.
Yeah, just 'cause, my I mean, jeez, you're like a sculpture.
I mean, it's incredible.
Well, yeah, thanks, I'm a personal trainer.
Really? Wow.
For a living.
Oh, you do Wow, no wonder.
So you're like, you're like I don't do grandma push-ups, but they're not that good, either.
Yeah, let me see, let me see what you got.
There's one.
That's a great push-up.
That's a great push-up.
But let me show you four things you're doing wrong, all right? Now, see, this Your ass is too high.
Ow! Yeah, oh, yeah.
Do you feel that? Yeah, I do.
Officer down.
Did you ever hold a gun before? You can hold it for one second if you want.
I'm allowed to do this? Well, not really, no.
But you know, you may, you know, for a second, you can.
Whoa! Wow, that's really heavy.
So, uh, you gonna let me Should I pay this ticket? Nah, you were doing What were you doing? About a buck-five? So I guess you should go.
I should probably go, yeah.
I mean, you're on duty.
You've got the cop car.
I'm on duty, I'm doing my thing.
I've got keys and stuff, keys and everything.
I should really go and a No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
All right then.
Okay, okay.
The women on the force got to get along.
I mean, we are the minorities, so, you know, we've got to stick together.
Sisterhood, girl power.
All that jazz.
Raineesha Williams is a loud-mouth, back-stabbing Jew.
I wanna say Jew, she's not I don't think she's Think she's very, in fact, openly catholic, which I have a problem with, too.
You know, I had a saying before I came to work here, and that was that feminism is bull.
But I feel really a sisterhood, with these special, special ladies.
Officer Johnson is a whore.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was just a It just took me by surprise to see them.
I know it's hard.
I know you've been traumatized.
I know it's been a rough couple of days.
It was frightening.
I understand.
I understand.
Today's the day we're gonna catch the monster that did this to you, and we're gonna put him behind bars, all right? So I need your full cooperation.
Okay, but th-th-they can't see me.
No, they can't.
They cannot see you.
You can see them, all right? Rest assured you will not be identified.
Okay.
Dear God! It's okay.
It's all right.
You ready to do this? Yeah.
Okay.
Number three, can you please step forward? Read from the card.
Get your goddamned hands off me, you.
Very nice.
Can all the suspects please give me a profile? Can they bounced.
There was a lot of movement.
When it was happening, there was a lot of movement.
If they could just bounce.
Can all the suspects jump up in the air one time? That's it.
Oh, Jesus.
That's all you're gonna get.
In good conscience, I can't have them do that again.
Can all the suspects please turn around, face the wall, and hold, until I tell you otherwise? Hands up against the wall.
Can everyone please put your hands up against the wall? Oh, God, oh, God.
Okay.
Thank you, you can all turn around, now.
Thanks so much.
Um Can you Can you bring in four more? There she is.
Oh, there she is.
What do you think it is today? Jones, you got any ideas? Nope, do you? Oh, hell no.
Here we go.
Here we go.
All right.
She's crying.
Hey, tee-tee.
How are you, tee-tee? What's going on? Calm down, now.
Why are you so upset? There was two of 'em! Two what, two what, tee-tee? They was midgets! I wasn't scared, though.
I wasn't scared, I took it right here.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, well, why Hey! Why were you in conflict with the midgets, tee-tee? You stomped on it, too? Just leave them alone.
Boy, I ain't got to take that, I ain't got to take that.
Okay.
What's up? Hey, how you doing? I'm doing, I'm doing all right.
Thank you It's good to see you, too, sweetheart.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, all right.
Hey! Tee-tee! We've got a stick down.
Tee-tee's got my stick.
We've got a stick down here.
Tee-tee, you just stole my stick.
Give that stick back, tee-tee.
Okay.
May I please have my stick back? Don't pose for pictures.
Tee-tee.
Come on now, girl.
Oh! No, here we go! No, tee-tee.
I've got you, sweetheart.
No, let her go.
No! No! No! They say that, uh, we are not supposed to date on the force.
Well, I just think that's a stupid rule, and I think rules were made to be broken.
And I think everyone should be as free with their sexuality, and as open as they wanna be with as many people as they possibly can.
Because you only go around once in this world, all right? As long as you take a shower, I don't see what the big deal is.
Clemmy, Clemmy, Clemmy, now that is one woman.
Sh-she's beautiful.
She's got a great heart, a great soul.
Uh, beautiful hair.
It's like the hair Her hair's like dandelion.
Y'know, you feel like if you blew on it, like a lot of it would go away.
Officer Jones.
We had a thing going on.
We was together, and, you know, and I think us breaking up was hard on him.
You know, he took that kinda hard.
And I think it kinda broke his heart a little bit.
Hey.
I was just uh Looking for officer Jones.
This is kind of his stomping ground.
Have you seen him? He's a big, good-looking black guy.
Lieutenant, hey.
Hey.
Uh How y'all I was just checking on everything.
Donut? I'm all right, thank you.
Oh, Oh, Me.
Did you see somebody with a bicycle? A guy with a bike? Somebody, anybody with a bicycle? It says, police on it.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch! Sir, did you see someone with a bicycle that says police on it? No? Oh,.
Oh, Me.
Stop! Oh, Me.
Oh, Christ.
Wow.
She's really red in the face.
Hold, on.
Hold, on.
Hey, hey, hey Calm down.
Don't hit the car.
What have you got? I've got me a pervert over there.
Where is he, ma'am? Come on, I waited 20 minutes where is he? Where is he, ma'am? He's over Hey, hey, calm down! Go back inside, put some clothes on, and stay right there! My taxes pay for your donuts! Get him, mother-! Sir? Sir? Put your hands up, sir.
How y'all boys doing? Put your hands up! Oh, God.
Lieutenant dangle and I have a very special relationship.
It's like we're brother and sister.
But like a brother and sister who have sex.
Uh, Wiegel? Not even a two-bagger, a three-bagger.
A bag for her face, a bag for your face, a bag for anybody, God forbid, that may be peeking in the window.
That's not very nice to say.
She's an unfortunate-looking woman.
All right, it is 0-800 hours.
And we are riding in the roller and buckle your safety belt, people, because you are riding shotgun with the Reno sheriff's department.
Of course, you're not literally riding shotgun, Trudy Wiegel's riding shotgun.
But, uh, in no time at all, this area's a hotbed of crime.
We've got We get murders out here, we get rapists, we get crack, methamphetamine.
Dismemberments.
Have you ever heard, there's a, um There's a way that women can be inseminated artificially? Like she doesn't even have to have sex with the other person, but she can just be inseminated, like, a It's not a test tube baby, it's like a real baby A guy say she wants to get pregnant, and he has good genes I was just wondering if you'd ever heard of that? They trained the damn dogs in German, but I don't speak German, so he don't do nothing that I tell him to do.
Foss! Nothing.
That's supposed to make him attack.
You've got "pakken".
- You've got - Oh, damn it! Ah, okay, okay, okay, okay! You got a I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You've got pardon.
No, that's French.
You've got "Protesta".
Ich eine un protesta.
Shhhhh Could I get a little help out here? You know I collect baby clothes that I buy on sale.
Just in case.
You collect baby clothes? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God, I hit that guy.
Oh, man.
Oh, great.
Only crime all day.
Sir, I am so sorry.
I was looking at my sir! Sir, I'm sorry.
Sir, I'm sorry.
Sir, we gotta exchange informa Oh, man.
Why is he running? That was totally my fault.
That was just 100% my Oh my God.
That's marijuana! Good stuff, too! Oh, man! Oh, my God! Oh! All right! Yeah, that's how we do it in Reno! Woo-hoo! We got a call on Jackie and the girls again.
Shine a light on them.
Yes, indeed, there she goes.
How're we doing tonight, Jackie? Hey! How are you? Good.
Good to see you.
Don't touch! That's my stuff! It's just dangerous.
I don't wanna twist an ankle.
I heard you've been advertising tonight.
Have you been advertising? Yes.
No, I Oh.
It's just been a while since you've seen them, so I thought I'd give you a freebie.
But it's not free! It costs a buck! Give it up! We don't wanna see them, okay? Just keep them under your drawers, or whatever.
I'm just keeping it real.
What's with the pickles there, Jackie? These are secret.
These are a secret.
Hey, ho, ho, ho! That's not good.
You got me in the eye, there.
Somebody sold me a bum juice.
All right.
Hello, ladies.
How're we doing tonight, ladies? Can we help you tonight? Whoa.
Dangle.
Lieutenant.
Garcia.
Hey.
Lieutenant.
Yeah? I'm working vice tonight.
Do you need backup? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm deep cover.
I'm getting a lot of leads.
We can back you up.
No, no, no, I'm good.
I'm in deep cover, I've got a lot of leads.
Carry on.
Doesn't he have Friday off? He's working vice.
Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
Okay, it is And we have been ordered by a federal judge to destroy the 60-something pounds of confiscated marijuana, and destroy it we shall.
Good day, gang, good day.
Pass it around.
Eight bags of pot on the fire.
Does anyone want a s'more? Go dangle! Go dangle! Go dangle! Keep it here.
Woo! All right.
Man, I love being a cop.
You gonna do this to me? I am Oh.
You gonna do this? Listen, listen Hey, baby Hey, baby-girl Then what happened next.
The first bitch comes up with two rocks in her hand, and said, , I paid you for three rocks, and you gave me two.
And that Says, I gave you three, bitch! No, no, stop! Don't you pick up that gnome, you're a dead man.
Don't you pick up that gnome.
Don't you pick up than gnome.
Don't you touch that gnome! You've got a whole half life left, and there's a lot of people that don't know you.
I don't know what to say anymore.
Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car! Last night, at about 0-700 hours, I returned to my home.
And I de-robed myself, and noticed that I had a pez in my bellybutton.
Have you ever heard of anything as ridiculous as that? Trudy, did you make up the story about finding a pez in your bellybutton, just to get attention from us, and to have something to say in the morning meeting? Or did it really happen?
We have an officer down, shots fired, shots fired.
All units in the vicinity, please report.
Sheriff's department! Hey ! Oh, God.
Surprise.
We've got an officer down.
We've got an officer down.
Oh ho, oh, ho-ho! Aggghhhh! Here you go Lal-la, yeah Shots fired! Oh-ho-ho! Okay, heads up, heads up.
Morning meeting.
We got a call from the Wal-Mart.
The, uh, Mexican gentleman who likes to touch and hug their mannequin's is back.
Garcia, I was hoping you could do a drive-by.
No problemo.
Muchas gracias.
Who put up the sticker in the locker room that says, "legalize it"? It's got a little leaf, a little marijuana leaf, and it says "legalize it".
I don't know why you're looking at me.
I'm not looking at you.
I'm looking here.
I'm thinking at you.
I'm looking at here.
I love Reno.
I've got roots here.
I'm very popular here, from all my dealings.
I've done a lot of R.
V.
shows.
All the camper shows, they always call me.
As it turns out, I am one of the better looking women here, so my dance card is full all the time.
My favorite thing about being a cop is that I get to slap men around.
Ha! I love it.
You know what I'm saying? You just grab 'em up in the collar, and Stop, in the name of the law! Hey, you, come here, in the name of the law! You know what I'm saying? I love someone that has to say, "you know what I'm saying," after everything she says.
Because quite honestly, no, I don't know what she's saying, nor do I care.
There is some racial tension on the squad.
And I mean, I think it's normal.
But I think, unfortunately, it all stems from one guy.
From officer Garcia.
And I mean, the poor guy can't help it, he's Mexican.
Uh, I would say in the context of a joke, it's okay.
I mean, I watch the B.
E.
T.
Whatever, them fellas use it all They toss it around like salad.
So you're saying, that in the context of a joke, it is okay to use the N-word.
Yeah, to loosen somebody up.
Y'know, loosen up A little brevity.
No.
You want me to check our tolerance policy? No, it is not okay.
Dangle, if I could, if I could, I don't use it, but if I wanted to, could I? Yeah, I think I should.
What if someone says, what which nigger took the last donut? That's wildly inappropriate.
I take medication Doctor prescribed.
Doctor prescribed medication, for several audit I have an auditory disorder, which makes me a little bit nervous around people and lights.
We've got a disturbing the peace call, in front of a haircutting place.
Male Caucasian, possible street performer.
He's been accosting customers all week.
We've got four calls.
He's been disturbing the peace.
So we're gonna see what we've got here.
Well, thank you, sir.
This should be good.
How're you doing today, sir? Good.
I'm gonna need to see some sort of a license, a street performer's license.
Good.
You speak English, right? Do you have a real license, sir? That's pretty good.
Well, sir, I don't need to see a fake anything.
I need to see a real performer's, street performer's license.
It's gettin' bigger! Yeah, I can see that, Jones.
Okay, sir.
Ooh! Can you show me, uh Heavy, heavy? I need to see a license, sir.
No, I don't Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Sir, please don't I need to see Jones! That's pretty funny.
Jones, can I ask you not to encourage this gentleman, okay? What? Because I'm trying to ascertain some information, and I'm trying to Okay.
Excuse me, sir He's doing you.
Excuse me, sir, are you doing me? Sir, I am at my wit's end, here.
He's got you! Are you making fun of me, sir? Please do not do that to me, sir! Oh! Cut it out there, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? Oh, yeah! Go to sleep, little mime! You're speaking English now! Yeah, thank you.
I feel I bring a real joie de vivre to law enforcement.
For example, my uniform.
I do not wear the regulation uniform.
I wear these shorts, here.
And I actually had to lobby the sheriff's department, to get permission to wear these.
But my argument was, hey, I'm out there in the streets every day.
I've gotta be able to move like a cheetah.
Like a law enforcement cheetah.
Can I see your driver's license, please? Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle? Yes, sir.
Is there a problem, officer? Well, yeah, there's a little bit of a problem.
This here says you weigh Oh! Uh, no, no.
That was about 3 years ago.
I'm down to, like, 130, maybe 135 today.
I haven't been running in, like, a week.
Yeah, just 'cause, my I mean, jeez, you're like a sculpture.
I mean, it's incredible.
Well, yeah, thanks, I'm a personal trainer.
Really? Wow.
For a living.
Oh, you do Wow, no wonder.
So you're like, you're like I don't do grandma push-ups, but they're not that good, either.
Yeah, let me see, let me see what you got.
There's one.
That's a great push-up.
That's a great push-up.
But let me show you four things you're doing wrong, all right? Now, see, this Your ass is too high.
Ow! Yeah, oh, yeah.
Do you feel that? Yeah, I do.
Officer down.
Did you ever hold a gun before? You can hold it for one second if you want.
I'm allowed to do this? Well, not really, no.
But you know, you may, you know, for a second, you can.
Whoa! Wow, that's really heavy.
So, uh, you gonna let me Should I pay this ticket? Nah, you were doing What were you doing? About a buck-five? So I guess you should go.
I should probably go, yeah.
I mean, you're on duty.
You've got the cop car.
I'm on duty, I'm doing my thing.
I've got keys and stuff, keys and everything.
I should really go and a No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
All right then.
Okay, okay.
The women on the force got to get along.
I mean, we are the minorities, so, you know, we've got to stick together.
Sisterhood, girl power.
All that jazz.
Raineesha Williams is a loud-mouth, back-stabbing Jew.
I wanna say Jew, she's not I don't think she's Think she's very, in fact, openly catholic, which I have a problem with, too.
You know, I had a saying before I came to work here, and that was that feminism is bull.
But I feel really a sisterhood, with these special, special ladies.
Officer Johnson is a whore.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was just a It just took me by surprise to see them.
I know it's hard.
I know you've been traumatized.
I know it's been a rough couple of days.
It was frightening.
I understand.
I understand.
Today's the day we're gonna catch the monster that did this to you, and we're gonna put him behind bars, all right? So I need your full cooperation.
Okay, but th-th-they can't see me.
No, they can't.
They cannot see you.
You can see them, all right? Rest assured you will not be identified.
Okay.
Dear God! It's okay.
It's all right.
You ready to do this? Yeah.
Okay.
Number three, can you please step forward? Read from the card.
Get your goddamned hands off me, you.
Very nice.
Can all the suspects please give me a profile? Can they bounced.
There was a lot of movement.
When it was happening, there was a lot of movement.
If they could just bounce.
Can all the suspects jump up in the air one time? That's it.
Oh, Jesus.
That's all you're gonna get.
In good conscience, I can't have them do that again.
Can all the suspects please turn around, face the wall, and hold, until I tell you otherwise? Hands up against the wall.
Can everyone please put your hands up against the wall? Oh, God, oh, God.
Okay.
Thank you, you can all turn around, now.
Thanks so much.
Um Can you Can you bring in four more? There she is.
Oh, there she is.
What do you think it is today? Jones, you got any ideas? Nope, do you? Oh, hell no.
Here we go.
Here we go.
All right.
She's crying.
Hey, tee-tee.
How are you, tee-tee? What's going on? Calm down, now.
Why are you so upset? There was two of 'em! Two what, two what, tee-tee? They was midgets! I wasn't scared, though.
I wasn't scared, I took it right here.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, well, why Hey! Why were you in conflict with the midgets, tee-tee? You stomped on it, too? Just leave them alone.
Boy, I ain't got to take that, I ain't got to take that.
Okay.
What's up? Hey, how you doing? I'm doing, I'm doing all right.
Thank you It's good to see you, too, sweetheart.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, all right.
Hey! Tee-tee! We've got a stick down.
Tee-tee's got my stick.
We've got a stick down here.
Tee-tee, you just stole my stick.
Give that stick back, tee-tee.
Okay.
May I please have my stick back? Don't pose for pictures.
Tee-tee.
Come on now, girl.
Oh! No, here we go! No, tee-tee.
I've got you, sweetheart.
No, let her go.
No! No! No! They say that, uh, we are not supposed to date on the force.
Well, I just think that's a stupid rule, and I think rules were made to be broken.
And I think everyone should be as free with their sexuality, and as open as they wanna be with as many people as they possibly can.
Because you only go around once in this world, all right? As long as you take a shower, I don't see what the big deal is.
Clemmy, Clemmy, Clemmy, now that is one woman.
Sh-she's beautiful.
She's got a great heart, a great soul.
Uh, beautiful hair.
It's like the hair Her hair's like dandelion.
Y'know, you feel like if you blew on it, like a lot of it would go away.
Officer Jones.
We had a thing going on.
We was together, and, you know, and I think us breaking up was hard on him.
You know, he took that kinda hard.
And I think it kinda broke his heart a little bit.
Hey.
I was just uh Looking for officer Jones.
This is kind of his stomping ground.
Have you seen him? He's a big, good-looking black guy.
Lieutenant, hey.
Hey.
Uh How y'all I was just checking on everything.
Donut? I'm all right, thank you.
Oh, Oh, Me.
Did you see somebody with a bicycle? A guy with a bike? Somebody, anybody with a bicycle? It says, police on it.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch! Sir, did you see someone with a bicycle that says police on it? No? Oh,.
Oh, Me.
Stop! Oh, Me.
Oh, Christ.
Wow.
She's really red in the face.
Hold, on.
Hold, on.
Hey, hey, hey Calm down.
Don't hit the car.
What have you got? I've got me a pervert over there.
Where is he, ma'am? Come on, I waited 20 minutes where is he? Where is he, ma'am? He's over Hey, hey, calm down! Go back inside, put some clothes on, and stay right there! My taxes pay for your donuts! Get him, mother-! Sir? Sir? Put your hands up, sir.
How y'all boys doing? Put your hands up! Oh, God.
Lieutenant dangle and I have a very special relationship.
It's like we're brother and sister.
But like a brother and sister who have sex.
Uh, Wiegel? Not even a two-bagger, a three-bagger.
A bag for her face, a bag for your face, a bag for anybody, God forbid, that may be peeking in the window.
That's not very nice to say.
She's an unfortunate-looking woman.
All right, it is 0-800 hours.
And we are riding in the roller and buckle your safety belt, people, because you are riding shotgun with the Reno sheriff's department.
Of course, you're not literally riding shotgun, Trudy Wiegel's riding shotgun.
But, uh, in no time at all, this area's a hotbed of crime.
We've got We get murders out here, we get rapists, we get crack, methamphetamine.
Dismemberments.
Have you ever heard, there's a, um There's a way that women can be inseminated artificially? Like she doesn't even have to have sex with the other person, but she can just be inseminated, like, a It's not a test tube baby, it's like a real baby A guy say she wants to get pregnant, and he has good genes I was just wondering if you'd ever heard of that? They trained the damn dogs in German, but I don't speak German, so he don't do nothing that I tell him to do.
Foss! Nothing.
That's supposed to make him attack.
You've got "pakken".
- You've got - Oh, damn it! Ah, okay, okay, okay, okay! You got a I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You've got pardon.
No, that's French.
You've got "Protesta".
Ich eine un protesta.
Shhhhh Could I get a little help out here? You know I collect baby clothes that I buy on sale.
Just in case.
You collect baby clothes? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God, I hit that guy.
Oh, man.
Oh, great.
Only crime all day.
Sir, I am so sorry.
I was looking at my sir! Sir, I'm sorry.
Sir, I'm sorry.
Sir, we gotta exchange informa Oh, man.
Why is he running? That was totally my fault.
That was just 100% my Oh my God.
That's marijuana! Good stuff, too! Oh, man! Oh, my God! Oh! All right! Yeah, that's how we do it in Reno! Woo-hoo! We got a call on Jackie and the girls again.
Shine a light on them.
Yes, indeed, there she goes.
How're we doing tonight, Jackie? Hey! How are you? Good.
Good to see you.
Don't touch! That's my stuff! It's just dangerous.
I don't wanna twist an ankle.
I heard you've been advertising tonight.
Have you been advertising? Yes.
No, I Oh.
It's just been a while since you've seen them, so I thought I'd give you a freebie.
But it's not free! It costs a buck! Give it up! We don't wanna see them, okay? Just keep them under your drawers, or whatever.
I'm just keeping it real.
What's with the pickles there, Jackie? These are secret.
These are a secret.
Hey, ho, ho, ho! That's not good.
You got me in the eye, there.
Somebody sold me a bum juice.
All right.
Hello, ladies.
How're we doing tonight, ladies? Can we help you tonight? Whoa.
Dangle.
Lieutenant.
Garcia.
Hey.
Lieutenant.
Yeah? I'm working vice tonight.
Do you need backup? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm deep cover.
I'm getting a lot of leads.
We can back you up.
No, no, no, I'm good.
I'm in deep cover, I've got a lot of leads.
Carry on.
Doesn't he have Friday off? He's working vice.
Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
Okay, it is And we have been ordered by a federal judge to destroy the 60-something pounds of confiscated marijuana, and destroy it we shall.
Good day, gang, good day.
Pass it around.
Eight bags of pot on the fire.
Does anyone want a s'more? Go dangle! Go dangle! Go dangle! Keep it here.
Woo! All right.
Man, I love being a cop.
You gonna do this to me? I am Oh.
You gonna do this? Listen, listen Hey, baby Hey, baby-girl Then what happened next.
The first bitch comes up with two rocks in her hand, and said, , I paid you for three rocks, and you gave me two.
And that Says, I gave you three, bitch! No, no, stop! Don't you pick up that gnome, you're a dead man.
Don't you pick up that gnome.
Don't you pick up than gnome.
Don't you touch that gnome! You've got a whole half life left, and there's a lot of people that don't know you.
I don't know what to say anymore.
Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car! Last night, at about 0-700 hours, I returned to my home.
And I de-robed myself, and noticed that I had a pez in my bellybutton.
Have you ever heard of anything as ridiculous as that? Trudy, did you make up the story about finding a pez in your bellybutton, just to get attention from us, and to have something to say in the morning meeting? Or did it really happen?