Reno 911! (2003) s02e05 Episode Script
Religion in Reno
Today the, uh, reno sheriff's department is testing out A new high-tech bulletproof vest Which is, uh, designed to protect us during altercations.
This one could pretty much stop a macke truck if it had to.
Okay.
Ready ? Steady Oh, shit ! Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren blaring ) ( dangle ) morning, gang.
Everybody, uh, remembers how the reverend lecarp From channel 38's "half hour of power" Wanted to come by the station ? Yes He's here.
Jones is giving him a tour right now, So, uh, best behavior.
And, uh, no swearing.
No swearing ? Maybe ? While the reverend's here ? Good idea.
Get it out now.
Cocksucker, motherfucker Fuck, fuck, fuck Cunt Bitch, suck my dick.
Good.
Balls.
Reverend lecarp is amazing.
That man is the closest thing You're ever going to get to jesus on this side of heaven.
I watch reverend lecarp's show every week.
I love that boy.
Uh, next to that weird, kind of indian-looking fellow With the nehru jacket Who dances the devil out of people on that show, I think he's the best televangelist there is.
You watch his show ? I'd rather, uh, watch cats eat their own shit.
Uh, reverend lecarp, everyone.
Bless you all ! Bless each and every one of you ! It's a joy to see you ! Happy-- how are you ? What's your name ? Travis junior.
Bless you, travis.
Come here.
Thank you so much.
Clementine ? Clementine ! Hello.
Come here, baby, how are you doing ? Your highlights look really good.
Yours, too ! Well, I'm trudy.
Hi, trudy.
I'm gonna talk to you a little bit if you don't mind.
Thanks for inviting me.
I was a sinner.
I sinned, and I was caught, and I was incarcerated.
In this very jail.
No ? Yes.
Even though I didn't get my one phone call, And I don't know why-- Still to this day I'm wondering that-- God called me.
And I answered because I was home.
Come on, now ! Hallelujah.
He told me he wants me to be his messenger.
Go out and be his tool.
And I vowed right then I would go out And be the biggest tool I could be for jesus ! Tool for jesus.
Two nights ago, god spoke to me again.
And he said, "gigg, bring it full circle.
" He said, "gigg, take it back to the genesis.
"go back to where it all began "and broadcast a special 'half hour of power' show "from that jail so you can save some souls In the same cell that you were saved !" ( laughing ) ( applause ) When did he say to do it ? He said as soon as possible.
You know, I'm ready now.
How's Friday ? Friday's fine.
Friday's absolutely fine.
Good to see you all.
A pleasure, pleasure to meet you.
God and jesus.
And baby jesus, too.
Bless you back ! Thank you ! Bless you back.
There ain't nobody in that cell.
It's empty, it's been empty for two days.
We've got to round up some perps, asap.
Ladies, you wanna be in charge of that ? Uh, nobody weird looking, nobody skeevy.
No goiters and stabbers or anything.
Right, no skeevy goiter stabbers.
Right.
We should probably just go down to hooker heaven, and, uh There's gotta be some girls down there.
Is that that new bagel place ? Hooker heaven ? I hear you, I'm not deaf.
No, no.
Tell me where to go, then.
There are not bagels there.
Oh, where the hookers hang out.
Why can't you just speak english ? ( siren ) See, now they're trying to leave.
Ho, ho, ho ! Hey, right there ! Ladies ! Hello.
How you doing Debonne.
Debonne Listen, um, can you do me a favor ? Do you speak english ? Speak english.
Okay, that's a good start.
Would you repeat after me ? Mm-hmm.
"thank you, jesus.
" Thank you, jesus.
That's a little "soul train.
" I think she's doing good.
"thank you, jesus !" Jesus is up there.
Thank you, jesus ! Wow, that was good.
I'm buying it.
Yeah, you're good at that.
Es que sao actriz yo trabajo en brazil a-a Mucho tiempo.
All right, thanks.
You know the drill.
Congratulations.
You're under arrest.
Get in the car.
All of that.
So I figure we can just maybe put her in a wheelchair.
In a pinch, we can do that, that's a good idea.
You're always thinking, trudy.
Everybody loves a cripple.
( giggles ) Hey ! Howdy.
How you doing, jimmy jam ? Good, buddy.
Good to see you.
Hello, officer, nice to see you.
How you doing ? I'm fine, thank you for coming out today.
We need to take the sign down.
You know, more than just take the sign down, We have to take the power of that word down.
Because that word-- free lemonade for-- No, no-- yo, yo, yo.
Hold on.
We're gonna change it around.
We're putting-- Right now, nigger is a giant lemon.
It's a giant, yellow, sour lemon, But when you put it inside the sweet ice, The delicious, fresh water, And the pure crystallized sugar of love, That's what we're doing.
And we're making niggers into lemonade.
Free lemonade for niggers ! No more horn.
I'm tired of this damn horn.
It's done, it's done, you're done, it's over.
Racism is never over, officer.
This is about making sure that everybody knows-- ( screaming ) What the-- oh ! If reverend lecarp was busted 10 years ago, You must have been working here then, right ? That is correct.
I was on duty with lieutenant dangle at the time.
We tried to apprehend mr.
Lecarp.
He was high on p.
C.
P.
He made a move for both of us, And he bought himself some "stick time".
( clears throat ) What do you mean ? Normal means of apprehension were at a failing point.
I found it necessary to take out my stick And send him a message from my lord.
Where did you deliver that message to on his person ? That would be in the head area.
As far as revered lecarp goes, I am-- I am very partial To people with large teeth, So, uh, for me-- very big fan.
Those are false, of course.
His real ones went down the toilet right here in this hall.
Really ? Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
Stick time, garcia style.
I'm going to have to rethink that, then.
Yeah, these all seem These all seem fine.
Good.
Uh, I was a little concerned with-- What's that in the back part here called "the rider" ? I don't know all these kinds of fruits here.
Uh, there's the, uh, brassberry.
I've never heard of that, is the thing.
I had be happy to get you fresh brassberries, Except I've never heard of it.
Brassberries were actually, uh, eaten by noah.
See, noah, And he would chew it for the small animals on the ark And then You know, spit it back into their mouth.
To feed them like a mama bird.
Brassberries.
Brassberries.
Can I suggest-- make a suggestion ? Raspberries.
Won't work.
No ? Uh, private security, these private security people.
I mean, we are, you know You are what ? We're security people, we're armed.
If-- if you're going to protect me, Who's going to protect me from you, lieutenant ? Oh, you will ? Okay.
You went like that I didn't know if you meant the lord or you.
The last item is a hard "no.
" A hard "no" ? Yeah.
Is that like more of a "no" than a soft "no" ? Yeah, hardest one there is.
Or a flaccid "no.
" Hardest one there is.
Or a "no" that's almost there, but I drank a little too much And I can't get the big, hard "no.
" Yeah, I just hit this "no" with my car, Now I got $400 in damage.
It-- it's a personal-appearance fee.
Now, I came in here earlier-- It's a personal-appearance fee of-- $75,000.
No.
No ? No.
Okay, how about a case of jack daniel ? How about a case of bud light ? And done, and done.
Easy-peasy-japanesey.
Wonderful.
Okay, ma'am.
She took a swing at you, then, right ? Yeah.
You wanna go ahead and press charges there ? Please.
Okay, we will.
Can I-- can I ask you-- Um, so, um, when do you think this is gonna be on ? Pardon me ? When do you think this is gonna be on ? Uh Do you know that ? Do they tell you now, or We don't usually get that information.
To be truthful, it probably won't air.
Yeah, this is cutting-room-floor material 'cause it really was not very dramatic or-- ( screams ) Whoa ! Hey ! Okay, okay, calm down.
Put it back down.
Put it down.
Stop it ! Stop it ! Get off me ! Don't hurt me ! Don't hurt me ! Don't hurt me ! Will that get on, you think ? Turn back around.
Thank you very much.
Number one, can you please step forward And sing the first line of "amazing grace" ? Amazing grace, how sweet the sound-- Uh, sir, a little less attitude And a little more reverence for the baby jesus.
Mm-hmm.
ââ¢Âª amazing grace ââ¢Âª Mmm-hmm.
ââ¢Âª how sweet the sound ââ¢Âª Like an angel.
Mm-hmm.
A-fucking-men.
Did you all hear that ? ââ¢Âª amazing grace ââ¢Âª Mm, excellent, number two.
Very good.
Excellent.
You know what I thought of ? I thought of the underground railroad when you did that.
That was really good.
That's weird-- it's trudy again-- I thought about harriet tubman.
Who ran the underground railroad-- f.
Y.
I.
And she also had a seat on the very first bus.
Mm-hmm.
Congratulations, you're moving on to the next round.
The rest of you can go home.
Numbers one and two, you're still under arrest.
Congratulations.
We did good, clemmy.
Yeah, I'm proud of us.
That one could be on a christmas tree-- Number one.
Like, he could slit your throat And then go sit on top of your christmas tree.
Man, I love graffitiing.
You can say that again.
( siren blares ) Having fun ? Yep.
Yep.
I guess that's because neither of you Has ever had to toss anyone's salad.
Excuse me ? Graffitiing is illegal, And it's a sure-fire way to get yourself in jail.
And trust me, when you get to jail, You're gonna have to toss some of the bigger guys' salad.
But I don't even know what tossing salads is.
Some folks say it's worse than rape.
Some folk say better.
Keep up the graffitiing, and you're gonna find out.
Whatever it is, it doesn't sound fun.
So play it safe, And if your friends ask you to do graffitiing with them, Tell them, "no, thanks.
I don't like salad.
" I'm deputy raineesha williams.
Keepin' it real.
Real safe.
Now, when reverend lecarp was arrested You was working here.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Me and garcia pulled him in.
Really ? Oh, yeah.
What'd he do ? Uh ( snaps fingers ) Little bit of that, ( sniffs ) little bit of that.
A little bit of The hat trick.
He was doing coke and jacking off playing poker ? Pretty much, yeah.
Normally, we don't get calls to this part of town.
But it seems as if there was trouble At one of the casino shows, so we're gonna check it out.
Come on down, talk to us.
( german accent ) it was terrible.
What happened ? Oh, so terrible.
Yeah.
What-- okay, okay, sir.
Okay, what happened ? Oh, it was Oh ! Just take it one thing at a time.
There was Oh ! I was in there.
There's the show, "magical mystery caravan" from peoria.
It was the show.
Oh, it was finish.
I was very happy, but I-- Honey, I can't understand you, what are you saying ? I was happy the show was ( indistinct talking ) A crash, sound like-- like a Boom.
Exactly.
Okay, okay.
Anybody on the show speak english ? I am the best of the speaking english in this one.
Look at me and say what I say.
Hallelujah ! Can you do that ? You.
Mely-- melyonya.
No, hallelujah.
Maybe if you spelled it out.
Let's go, garcia.
Hallelujah Hallelujah.
Garcia, let's roll.
All-- all-- allean-- alleanewya ! Garcia, you're about to get left.
We'll be back, okay ? Hold tight.
Can't keep this waiting for so long.
Okay Okay.
No, I'm not a fan of reverend "lecrap" Coming here to tape his show.
I think it makes a mockery of where we work And what we do as law-enforcement officials.
I think he's taking advantage of the goodness of, uh, Dangle's heart, in order to make us look like fools.
No.
And I hope he slips on vomit.
No.
You already look like fools.
He's not making you look like what you already are.
Let him that hath known himself Unto thine truth walk therein.
Huh ? That's in the bible.
( man ) you're watching channel 38, And it's time for reverend lecarp's "half hour of power.
" And welcome back.
I hope you enjoyed that short film with the little babies That need your help so they don't be eaten.
Let's go inside and see what's inside this cell And who's gonna be needing my saving.
Because this is the cell-- The very cell-- that I saw the light.
God talked to me in this cell.
And who do we have here ? No, no, no Don't, no.
She-- I see that you're You're crippled.
What sort of-- of dirt inside the mud Would ever, ever take advantage of a crippled prostitute ? She's got to be healed ! Now, listen to me, what's your name ? ( speaking spanish ) ( gasps ) she's talking in tongues ! Hallelujah ! On the count of three, one Two Three.
Rise off of that wheelchair.
Just look at her, rise ! ( cheers and applause ) This is such a special moment for me.
If you're just joining us, again, This is the cell that I myself found god, Or shall I say, god found me.
I baptized myself Right in that very, uh, stainless-steel toilet.
Someone in here needs me.
Someone in here needs my saving.
Guide me now.
Yes, yes.
Y-- no, no.
Yes, yes ! Why, it's you, officer garcia ! Hallelujah ! ( cheers and applause ) He needs saving ! He doesn't think he does, but he does.
Doesn't officer garcia need saving ? ( cheers and applause ) Garcia, I want you to stand here.
Now, listen to me, garcia.
He's lost ! He's lost, that's exactly what he is.
You are lost.
And evil ! And evil ! The choir's telling you.
What is he ? He's a loser.
That's not true.
Evil and a loser-- well, you know it is.
I mean, you've got to be honest.
What don't you like about garcia ? He's a mexican.
You're a mexican, you're evil, and you're a loser.
I want you to know that no matter what ever happens, I love you and god loves you.
ââ¢Âª gonna lay down my burden ââ¢Âª I look into your eyes, And I know that you are a gentle man inside.
ââ¢Âª down by the riverside ââ¢Âª I want you to relax, because I'm gonna save you.
You're not an evil man, you're not a sad man.
You're not a stupid man, and you're not ugly.
I love you, And I love you with all your sins.
Just wash the sins away, because you are loved.
You are loved, and I'm gonna save you right now.
Look at my hand and feel my energy.
Get ready to touch my hand now, you're gonna be saved ! You're gonna be saved now ! You're gonna meet god right now ! Saving, I'm saving ! I'm saving ! I'm saving ! Saving-- dance with me.
( voice breaking ) I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
You're full of love now.
I-I love you, sir.
You love me.
Yes, sir, I do.
Look in the camera and say, "I love" I love "reverend" Reverend "gigg" Gigg "lecarp.
" Lecarp.
"and I'm sorry" And I-I'm sorry "for beatin'" For Do-- for beatin' "for beatin'" For beatin' "him" Him "in this cell" In this cell "beating him silly.
" ( sobs ) You motherfucker ! You cocksucker ! You kicked the shit out of me ! Look at these teeth ! Look at 'em ! Aw, fuck you ! Fucking rot in hell, you cocksucker ! ( laughs ) Oh, what are you gonna do now, garcia ? What are you gonna do now ? There's nothing you can-- fucker ! Payback's a bitch ! You kicked the shit out of me, you fucker ! ( grunts ) oh, he locked it.
We're probably on commer-- commercial break.
Oh.
Right ? Well He's out there flipping us the bird right now.
No, he's not-- really ? Yeah.
When does the new jailer get in ? Tuesday Three-day weekend.
Aww We had to do it on a Friday.
I got worse news for everybody.
I gotta take a number two.
No, no, no ( all shouting ) You're gonna hold it like the rest of us.
You're gonna hold it.
Number ones only for the weekend, all right ? Number ones only.
Lord god Jesus christ.
And the baby jesus, and the mama jesus Who rode into bethlehem on assback-- All of them, just bless them all.
Give these wonderful swift swords of your right Doing blessed police work for your own salvation, Give them the spirit and the emotion A-and the love of your godly life To pull off this show Without screwing it up too much-- amen ! ( all ) amen ! Aah !
This one could pretty much stop a macke truck if it had to.
Okay.
Ready ? Steady Oh, shit ! Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren blaring ) ( dangle ) morning, gang.
Everybody, uh, remembers how the reverend lecarp From channel 38's "half hour of power" Wanted to come by the station ? Yes He's here.
Jones is giving him a tour right now, So, uh, best behavior.
And, uh, no swearing.
No swearing ? Maybe ? While the reverend's here ? Good idea.
Get it out now.
Cocksucker, motherfucker Fuck, fuck, fuck Cunt Bitch, suck my dick.
Good.
Balls.
Reverend lecarp is amazing.
That man is the closest thing You're ever going to get to jesus on this side of heaven.
I watch reverend lecarp's show every week.
I love that boy.
Uh, next to that weird, kind of indian-looking fellow With the nehru jacket Who dances the devil out of people on that show, I think he's the best televangelist there is.
You watch his show ? I'd rather, uh, watch cats eat their own shit.
Uh, reverend lecarp, everyone.
Bless you all ! Bless each and every one of you ! It's a joy to see you ! Happy-- how are you ? What's your name ? Travis junior.
Bless you, travis.
Come here.
Thank you so much.
Clementine ? Clementine ! Hello.
Come here, baby, how are you doing ? Your highlights look really good.
Yours, too ! Well, I'm trudy.
Hi, trudy.
I'm gonna talk to you a little bit if you don't mind.
Thanks for inviting me.
I was a sinner.
I sinned, and I was caught, and I was incarcerated.
In this very jail.
No ? Yes.
Even though I didn't get my one phone call, And I don't know why-- Still to this day I'm wondering that-- God called me.
And I answered because I was home.
Come on, now ! Hallelujah.
He told me he wants me to be his messenger.
Go out and be his tool.
And I vowed right then I would go out And be the biggest tool I could be for jesus ! Tool for jesus.
Two nights ago, god spoke to me again.
And he said, "gigg, bring it full circle.
" He said, "gigg, take it back to the genesis.
"go back to where it all began "and broadcast a special 'half hour of power' show "from that jail so you can save some souls In the same cell that you were saved !" ( laughing ) ( applause ) When did he say to do it ? He said as soon as possible.
You know, I'm ready now.
How's Friday ? Friday's fine.
Friday's absolutely fine.
Good to see you all.
A pleasure, pleasure to meet you.
God and jesus.
And baby jesus, too.
Bless you back ! Thank you ! Bless you back.
There ain't nobody in that cell.
It's empty, it's been empty for two days.
We've got to round up some perps, asap.
Ladies, you wanna be in charge of that ? Uh, nobody weird looking, nobody skeevy.
No goiters and stabbers or anything.
Right, no skeevy goiter stabbers.
Right.
We should probably just go down to hooker heaven, and, uh There's gotta be some girls down there.
Is that that new bagel place ? Hooker heaven ? I hear you, I'm not deaf.
No, no.
Tell me where to go, then.
There are not bagels there.
Oh, where the hookers hang out.
Why can't you just speak english ? ( siren ) See, now they're trying to leave.
Ho, ho, ho ! Hey, right there ! Ladies ! Hello.
How you doing Debonne.
Debonne Listen, um, can you do me a favor ? Do you speak english ? Speak english.
Okay, that's a good start.
Would you repeat after me ? Mm-hmm.
"thank you, jesus.
" Thank you, jesus.
That's a little "soul train.
" I think she's doing good.
"thank you, jesus !" Jesus is up there.
Thank you, jesus ! Wow, that was good.
I'm buying it.
Yeah, you're good at that.
Es que sao actriz yo trabajo en brazil a-a Mucho tiempo.
All right, thanks.
You know the drill.
Congratulations.
You're under arrest.
Get in the car.
All of that.
So I figure we can just maybe put her in a wheelchair.
In a pinch, we can do that, that's a good idea.
You're always thinking, trudy.
Everybody loves a cripple.
( giggles ) Hey ! Howdy.
How you doing, jimmy jam ? Good, buddy.
Good to see you.
Hello, officer, nice to see you.
How you doing ? I'm fine, thank you for coming out today.
We need to take the sign down.
You know, more than just take the sign down, We have to take the power of that word down.
Because that word-- free lemonade for-- No, no-- yo, yo, yo.
Hold on.
We're gonna change it around.
We're putting-- Right now, nigger is a giant lemon.
It's a giant, yellow, sour lemon, But when you put it inside the sweet ice, The delicious, fresh water, And the pure crystallized sugar of love, That's what we're doing.
And we're making niggers into lemonade.
Free lemonade for niggers ! No more horn.
I'm tired of this damn horn.
It's done, it's done, you're done, it's over.
Racism is never over, officer.
This is about making sure that everybody knows-- ( screaming ) What the-- oh ! If reverend lecarp was busted 10 years ago, You must have been working here then, right ? That is correct.
I was on duty with lieutenant dangle at the time.
We tried to apprehend mr.
Lecarp.
He was high on p.
C.
P.
He made a move for both of us, And he bought himself some "stick time".
( clears throat ) What do you mean ? Normal means of apprehension were at a failing point.
I found it necessary to take out my stick And send him a message from my lord.
Where did you deliver that message to on his person ? That would be in the head area.
As far as revered lecarp goes, I am-- I am very partial To people with large teeth, So, uh, for me-- very big fan.
Those are false, of course.
His real ones went down the toilet right here in this hall.
Really ? Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
Stick time, garcia style.
I'm going to have to rethink that, then.
Yeah, these all seem These all seem fine.
Good.
Uh, I was a little concerned with-- What's that in the back part here called "the rider" ? I don't know all these kinds of fruits here.
Uh, there's the, uh, brassberry.
I've never heard of that, is the thing.
I had be happy to get you fresh brassberries, Except I've never heard of it.
Brassberries were actually, uh, eaten by noah.
See, noah, And he would chew it for the small animals on the ark And then You know, spit it back into their mouth.
To feed them like a mama bird.
Brassberries.
Brassberries.
Can I suggest-- make a suggestion ? Raspberries.
Won't work.
No ? Uh, private security, these private security people.
I mean, we are, you know You are what ? We're security people, we're armed.
If-- if you're going to protect me, Who's going to protect me from you, lieutenant ? Oh, you will ? Okay.
You went like that I didn't know if you meant the lord or you.
The last item is a hard "no.
" A hard "no" ? Yeah.
Is that like more of a "no" than a soft "no" ? Yeah, hardest one there is.
Or a flaccid "no.
" Hardest one there is.
Or a "no" that's almost there, but I drank a little too much And I can't get the big, hard "no.
" Yeah, I just hit this "no" with my car, Now I got $400 in damage.
It-- it's a personal-appearance fee.
Now, I came in here earlier-- It's a personal-appearance fee of-- $75,000.
No.
No ? No.
Okay, how about a case of jack daniel ? How about a case of bud light ? And done, and done.
Easy-peasy-japanesey.
Wonderful.
Okay, ma'am.
She took a swing at you, then, right ? Yeah.
You wanna go ahead and press charges there ? Please.
Okay, we will.
Can I-- can I ask you-- Um, so, um, when do you think this is gonna be on ? Pardon me ? When do you think this is gonna be on ? Uh Do you know that ? Do they tell you now, or We don't usually get that information.
To be truthful, it probably won't air.
Yeah, this is cutting-room-floor material 'cause it really was not very dramatic or-- ( screams ) Whoa ! Hey ! Okay, okay, calm down.
Put it back down.
Put it down.
Stop it ! Stop it ! Get off me ! Don't hurt me ! Don't hurt me ! Don't hurt me ! Will that get on, you think ? Turn back around.
Thank you very much.
Number one, can you please step forward And sing the first line of "amazing grace" ? Amazing grace, how sweet the sound-- Uh, sir, a little less attitude And a little more reverence for the baby jesus.
Mm-hmm.
ââ¢Âª amazing grace ââ¢Âª Mmm-hmm.
ââ¢Âª how sweet the sound ââ¢Âª Like an angel.
Mm-hmm.
A-fucking-men.
Did you all hear that ? ââ¢Âª amazing grace ââ¢Âª Mm, excellent, number two.
Very good.
Excellent.
You know what I thought of ? I thought of the underground railroad when you did that.
That was really good.
That's weird-- it's trudy again-- I thought about harriet tubman.
Who ran the underground railroad-- f.
Y.
I.
And she also had a seat on the very first bus.
Mm-hmm.
Congratulations, you're moving on to the next round.
The rest of you can go home.
Numbers one and two, you're still under arrest.
Congratulations.
We did good, clemmy.
Yeah, I'm proud of us.
That one could be on a christmas tree-- Number one.
Like, he could slit your throat And then go sit on top of your christmas tree.
Man, I love graffitiing.
You can say that again.
( siren blares ) Having fun ? Yep.
Yep.
I guess that's because neither of you Has ever had to toss anyone's salad.
Excuse me ? Graffitiing is illegal, And it's a sure-fire way to get yourself in jail.
And trust me, when you get to jail, You're gonna have to toss some of the bigger guys' salad.
But I don't even know what tossing salads is.
Some folks say it's worse than rape.
Some folk say better.
Keep up the graffitiing, and you're gonna find out.
Whatever it is, it doesn't sound fun.
So play it safe, And if your friends ask you to do graffitiing with them, Tell them, "no, thanks.
I don't like salad.
" I'm deputy raineesha williams.
Keepin' it real.
Real safe.
Now, when reverend lecarp was arrested You was working here.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Me and garcia pulled him in.
Really ? Oh, yeah.
What'd he do ? Uh ( snaps fingers ) Little bit of that, ( sniffs ) little bit of that.
A little bit of The hat trick.
He was doing coke and jacking off playing poker ? Pretty much, yeah.
Normally, we don't get calls to this part of town.
But it seems as if there was trouble At one of the casino shows, so we're gonna check it out.
Come on down, talk to us.
( german accent ) it was terrible.
What happened ? Oh, so terrible.
Yeah.
What-- okay, okay, sir.
Okay, what happened ? Oh, it was Oh ! Just take it one thing at a time.
There was Oh ! I was in there.
There's the show, "magical mystery caravan" from peoria.
It was the show.
Oh, it was finish.
I was very happy, but I-- Honey, I can't understand you, what are you saying ? I was happy the show was ( indistinct talking ) A crash, sound like-- like a Boom.
Exactly.
Okay, okay.
Anybody on the show speak english ? I am the best of the speaking english in this one.
Look at me and say what I say.
Hallelujah ! Can you do that ? You.
Mely-- melyonya.
No, hallelujah.
Maybe if you spelled it out.
Let's go, garcia.
Hallelujah Hallelujah.
Garcia, let's roll.
All-- all-- allean-- alleanewya ! Garcia, you're about to get left.
We'll be back, okay ? Hold tight.
Can't keep this waiting for so long.
Okay Okay.
No, I'm not a fan of reverend "lecrap" Coming here to tape his show.
I think it makes a mockery of where we work And what we do as law-enforcement officials.
I think he's taking advantage of the goodness of, uh, Dangle's heart, in order to make us look like fools.
No.
And I hope he slips on vomit.
No.
You already look like fools.
He's not making you look like what you already are.
Let him that hath known himself Unto thine truth walk therein.
Huh ? That's in the bible.
( man ) you're watching channel 38, And it's time for reverend lecarp's "half hour of power.
" And welcome back.
I hope you enjoyed that short film with the little babies That need your help so they don't be eaten.
Let's go inside and see what's inside this cell And who's gonna be needing my saving.
Because this is the cell-- The very cell-- that I saw the light.
God talked to me in this cell.
And who do we have here ? No, no, no Don't, no.
She-- I see that you're You're crippled.
What sort of-- of dirt inside the mud Would ever, ever take advantage of a crippled prostitute ? She's got to be healed ! Now, listen to me, what's your name ? ( speaking spanish ) ( gasps ) she's talking in tongues ! Hallelujah ! On the count of three, one Two Three.
Rise off of that wheelchair.
Just look at her, rise ! ( cheers and applause ) This is such a special moment for me.
If you're just joining us, again, This is the cell that I myself found god, Or shall I say, god found me.
I baptized myself Right in that very, uh, stainless-steel toilet.
Someone in here needs me.
Someone in here needs my saving.
Guide me now.
Yes, yes.
Y-- no, no.
Yes, yes ! Why, it's you, officer garcia ! Hallelujah ! ( cheers and applause ) He needs saving ! He doesn't think he does, but he does.
Doesn't officer garcia need saving ? ( cheers and applause ) Garcia, I want you to stand here.
Now, listen to me, garcia.
He's lost ! He's lost, that's exactly what he is.
You are lost.
And evil ! And evil ! The choir's telling you.
What is he ? He's a loser.
That's not true.
Evil and a loser-- well, you know it is.
I mean, you've got to be honest.
What don't you like about garcia ? He's a mexican.
You're a mexican, you're evil, and you're a loser.
I want you to know that no matter what ever happens, I love you and god loves you.
ââ¢Âª gonna lay down my burden ââ¢Âª I look into your eyes, And I know that you are a gentle man inside.
ââ¢Âª down by the riverside ââ¢Âª I want you to relax, because I'm gonna save you.
You're not an evil man, you're not a sad man.
You're not a stupid man, and you're not ugly.
I love you, And I love you with all your sins.
Just wash the sins away, because you are loved.
You are loved, and I'm gonna save you right now.
Look at my hand and feel my energy.
Get ready to touch my hand now, you're gonna be saved ! You're gonna be saved now ! You're gonna meet god right now ! Saving, I'm saving ! I'm saving ! I'm saving ! Saving-- dance with me.
( voice breaking ) I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
You're full of love now.
I-I love you, sir.
You love me.
Yes, sir, I do.
Look in the camera and say, "I love" I love "reverend" Reverend "gigg" Gigg "lecarp.
" Lecarp.
"and I'm sorry" And I-I'm sorry "for beatin'" For Do-- for beatin' "for beatin'" For beatin' "him" Him "in this cell" In this cell "beating him silly.
" ( sobs ) You motherfucker ! You cocksucker ! You kicked the shit out of me ! Look at these teeth ! Look at 'em ! Aw, fuck you ! Fucking rot in hell, you cocksucker ! ( laughs ) Oh, what are you gonna do now, garcia ? What are you gonna do now ? There's nothing you can-- fucker ! Payback's a bitch ! You kicked the shit out of me, you fucker ! ( grunts ) oh, he locked it.
We're probably on commer-- commercial break.
Oh.
Right ? Well He's out there flipping us the bird right now.
No, he's not-- really ? Yeah.
When does the new jailer get in ? Tuesday Three-day weekend.
Aww We had to do it on a Friday.
I got worse news for everybody.
I gotta take a number two.
No, no, no ( all shouting ) You're gonna hold it like the rest of us.
You're gonna hold it.
Number ones only for the weekend, all right ? Number ones only.
Lord god Jesus christ.
And the baby jesus, and the mama jesus Who rode into bethlehem on assback-- All of them, just bless them all.
Give these wonderful swift swords of your right Doing blessed police work for your own salvation, Give them the spirit and the emotion A-and the love of your godly life To pull off this show Without screwing it up too much-- amen ! ( all ) amen ! Aah !